The Dhamma Badass Chronicles continue!

A few days ago I had what seems like a transition. If I'm right it was from the dukkha nanas to EQ.
The transition occured after a few weeks of especially lots of aversion, restlessness, anxiety, sadness, nausea, hopelessness.
It culminated in about a day and a half where I felt kinda high and very giggly. With the four sits I had in this high-phase I had the strongest laughing attacks I've had in a long time. The meditation seemed to just throw me into a very happy laughing state and I was smiling so much that it actually felt like my mouth stretched from ear to ear.

Then that died down, and then there was just a boring, quiet, very normal-feeling period. I must say I felt a little disappointed that nothing more interesting happened then. I mean, the laughter and pleasantness could have just continued to grow into a full week of orgasmic bliss...lol. But instead it just quieted down. Thank goodness!

The equanimity of the past 2-3 days has been obvious. I've just been super calm, super ok with everything hah.

I noticed something interesting in my sit today. Because of the equanimity (or maybe it's the other way around?) it's as if all the troublesome feelings, emotions and mind states dissolve easier. Because there's a quiet mind which has this tendency to not react, all of this is just seen clearer, faster. For instance, a worry pops up and in a split second the mind has converted the worrying to pressure sensations in the body and disidentified from it. There's no longer worry, just sitting with...well, yet another sensation, who cares.

I also noticed how much shit came up like this. In the dukkha nanas all of that troublesome stuff coming to the surface had a way of inducing deeply felt misery. Now shit still comes oozing out, but without obstructing the quiet, calm mind. 

There's very little attention to feeling the body now and I think that's also in line with what EQ is, right?
I noticed at some point that my mouth was full of saliva. Usually I feel very annoyed about the buildup of saliva, but today I didn't even feel it. Also there was not a single itch during the whole hour of sitting.

I'm not sure how to explain what the awarenss is on.. But its a lot more mental than physical now.
I did sense all of this shit coming up, perhaps that's what we should call mind states?
Maybe I'm having a bit of difficulty describing this because it also feels a little like I'm not there, a little distant, hazy, unspecific.
 

Each experience, each moment, embrace as if there is nothing else there but only that moment. 

Fuck POI. 

I love POI. 

Fuck it anyway. 

Looking forward to reading your new log  

 Well said, PCD!

Yeah fuck POI, for sure. Although I am curious, as always, and learning a lot of new things about it as I have these coaching sessions with Abre.

This morning feeling a little mellow actually. But still, it's striking how well I am able to contain whatever emotional state comes up. I think equanimity kinda feels like you're bigger. And when shit goes on on the inside it's as if you don't have to touch it. You can see that it sucks, but it doesn't stick to the walls and therefore you're in a way unaffected.

The meditation is atm very boring. I'm basically just focusing on my breath, counting or going "beginning, middle, end...", while being so large that all the stuff that goes on in the mind simply bathes in awareness. I feel that noting is totally obsolete right now but I do wonder if I'm going about this the right way. I'll be wiser some days or weeks from now
 

Oh oops my bad. I forgot you have a teacher/coach Abre. You could put that in the intro post above so people know. 

Forget what I said. Focus on your work with Abre instead.

​​​​​​​All the best Emil! 

Sounds like you just went into Low EQ, just like I did. Enjoy the stability and keep practicing for Equanimity

 Yes, it does seem like it. Definitely much more stability, space, equanimity. A clear differentiation from the previous dukkha-ridden practice period.

But still it seems there are little dips into the previous stage. I suppose that's possible, just like it was the other way around: To have spikes into EQ from the dukkha nanas.

It's nice tho. Was getting a little tired of being so tied up in all that dukkha. 

 Odd things be happening lately, very A&P'y I'd say. It's pretty relevant to badass Dhamma things, so thought I'd log it!

As I've written about in the above log entries, it seems I've been getting pretty equanimous over the last while. That being in contrast to a period of consistent dukkha and in agreement with coach Abre's evaluation, I guess I'm in the stage of EQ. Cool.

While shifting into this stage I've noticed more equanimity (duh!) and although lots of shit has kept coming to the surface in my sits (aversions, resistances, longings, desires, etc) it seems the mind has been less affected by all of this. It's been more spaceous, seemingly able to go undisturbed by all of these turbulent states of mind.

The past couple of days I've noticed a change: I've begun really not wanting to meditate. I don't know anything, but I do know that there's a "rolling up the mat stage" lol. So naturally, I'm wondering: Is this it?

In my morning meditation yesterday I hardly noted a thing. Equanimity was 100% and I had zero motivation to make my attention go anywhere or to investigate anything. I just sort of sat in a semi-aware state for the whole hour, feeling like I was a leaf swaying in a warm breeze. It wasn't comfortable, nor not-comfortable. It was just equanimous and empty. Very empty, even consciousness just coming and going.

The day before this I had a little breakthrough/release of sorts, pertaining to attachment to consciousness. I have started to notice in my meditations the transitions between consciouss and unconscious states. Then, after such a transition, I sort of remember that I was unconscious and recognize this as a No Self quality of my experience. It's had the effect of allowing me to relax and let consciousness do its thing. And this relaxing was very liberating. Following it was about 30 seconds of deep felt sobbing, joy-ful sobbing, and then about the same time period of laughing. And that's a release, folks!

So last night I was investigating this feeling of not wanting to meditate. I was in my bed, going to sleep. I noticed that I felt super empty when trying to note sensations and my mind was very smoothly and elegantly steering free of actually looking. But I persisted and noticed that in the background, extremely subtly, there was a powerful sense of aversion to looking. I tuned into this aversion and then the funny things happened...

I was falling asleep, so I'm not entirely sure, but I think the aversion went away after seeing it clearly. In the way that all these resistances have a way of dissolving when massaging neutral awareness into them. (I feel like that's all I've been doing for weeks!)

During the night I had stuff happen which I normally would think of as very A&P like!

I remember having vivid dreams of shooting guns, crawling around on a bridge and fighting two dogs. Almost like a normal day in my waking life come to think of it...
But at some point I turned completely lucid - to the point where I was more lucid that I normally am in waking consciousness.
I was in the grassy fields by my parents house, it was a full-moon lit night, and there were sketchy, shady figures luring in the periphery of my visual field. But I was lucid - so I ignored those bastards, I had more important stuff to do than to fight shadow creatures.
I decided to meditate on the moon and whew! Within seconds I was ultra focused. The moon started to vibrate and then...I don't know.

Next thing I remember is being awake..or not exactly awake, but in sleep paralysis. Mind awake, body asleep. Right next to me there was a little girl standing with a knife raised above me and that scared me. I realized that it was just the shady outline of the coats hanging behind the door in my bedroom. So the fear naturally subsided. I went on to explain the whole thing to my girlfriend. She told me this morning that I was mumbling a lot in the night and she didn't understand a thing. Haha. I thought I had articulated everything quite well at the time. I guess not.

Sounds very A&P'y I guess. But you know, as always: MAKYO!!!!! Makyo is damn right, but there's a reason besides simply makyo'ing that I feel like logging this: I find it interesting how my mental/physical state is now. Instead of feeling empty and with resistance to noting, I feel very interested in diving in again. I feel joyful, appreciative, refreshed, happy to continue the journey.
 

Good stuff. I found it so surprising when I started to realize that it's just a habitual assumption - I am the one who is conscious. Loka Sutta: Eye consciousness arises dependent on the eye and sights. The meeting of the three is contact. Etc. Or Bahiya: In the seen will be merely the seen ... 

You can always practice "Look how its anticipating 2nd/3rd/4th path, Look how it thinks he knows this meditation shit so well now, Look how it thinks he is enlightened now, Look how its having body jerks ... etc ..." BTW, good to hear you are doing well Dont forget the music! 

What's been happening with you post SE?

I think I wrote this as a reply to Emils post from today which for some reason is missing Either that or Emil did not post an update here today and I have imagined this whole thing Schizophrenia