From stubbornness to softness
I want to write down a piece of my own meditation experience, a piece of my own anatomy and dialogue, before I do this I hesitate that am I really want spend energy and time? Now I take my energy very seriously, but I think this reflection should be supportive for those who are still struggling on the journey of liberation.
It has been 15 years since I started meditation , and 11 years since I officially went to the meditation engaged f24hours to practice. On my days of practice, I am literally burning with the flame of my whole life, and I am doing this with all my heart . This is the only thing, twenty-four hours only meditation , continuous. Day and night. I believe that if I persist, I will get what I want. I can meditate sixteen hours a day, four hours for resting and the rest is in walking meditation . I meditate when I am sick, I meditate when I am hungry, I only do one thing. Never stopped. I believe that if I work hard enough, I will be able to succeed. And I do get what I want, whether it is samadhi practice , whether it is insight, whether it is mindfulness, I can change freely here. I believe and firmly believe that this kind of persistence and patience is necessary for the achievement of the Dhamma, and I have been meditating without any change for more than ten years. I can endure physical hunger from four in the morning to eight in the evening without resting, without eating, without drinking, without going to the toilet, and I can continue to meditate when I have a high fever. Because in ancient times those great being suffered more than I experienced, I have better conditions than them, compared to the suffering of the Buddha, I have too much, what can I repay, the only diligent practice.
I am usually the last to go to the almsgiving, the first to meditate, and the last to leave meditation hall. before my eyes open, i have not seen anyone, and after i open my eyes, everyone else has gone. At that time, I was also praised and supported by many people. This effort has not lasted for a few months or just a year or two, but over the past eleven years, I have been practicing continuously. I may have changed countries, meditation halls, and places, but because of years of practice, I have developed a system in my mind. Sometimes on the way to travel, I am meditating, and while waiting for the bus, I am doing walking meditation. I never waste my time either. In my heart, I also have a standard, that is, I believe that when I enjoy the offerings of others, I must also be qualified. In writing about these experiences, I seem to be proud of my efforts. It seems to be the case. And I encourage other meditators in the same way, because I think that if they are not diligent, I don't need to spend my energy and time on people who are not working wholeheartedly for liberation. I still think i'm right. Even in my heart, I think that only in this way can I give them the time to explain this extraordinary Dharma.
However, I must be very honest to admit that under my efforts over the years, there is a stretched line, this line in the standard of discipline, the requirements of own perfection, the requirements of our own behaviors , is extremely harsh. For the first five years, I competed with myself, not with others, but with myself. I think, as long as I don't say no, there is nothing in the world that I can't achieve, nothing. I can do anything if I work hard to it. I am fully equipped with all the conditions and parami to become a liberator. I firmly believe that only I can defeat myself, what an arrogant view!
Over the years, I've seen so many people come and go, I've seen so many deaths and births, I have seen many people break down from a healthy mind and become crazy because they can't get the Dharma they need. Some people practice until they are old and die. Some people around me them who are very diligent hang themselves. These are many stories happened that you experience on the path of meditation. To be honest, there are too many people who want to pick the fruit of liberation, but there are countless people who give up or change their path. This is not a simple journey,we have to pay something, even their own life, the way of practice piled up white bones, but how many people can take this extraordinary fruit? But still there are many, many people who follow.
So, I and these people are no different, we are all going to this goal, I think, compared to what I got, there is no comparison. No matter how big the price is, it should be.
Therefore, I stretched my heart, firmly toward this goal. This mental journey is very subtle, because on the signpost of our struggle we need an idea to support, without which my whole framework cannot be supported.
This idea goes from the beginning, samadhi, to the vipassana, to the , nibbana, and finally, complete liberation, arahat . It seems that human desire is endless, when you finish one,you want another one, the human mind, is in the endless greed to pursue. It's also a trap.
I never felt anything wrong with myself, because people were always happy with my effort to the practice Everyone regards this persistence as normal ,and praise for it, and on the contrary, if you don’t work diligently,criticism and evaluation will arise. Because Im strict to myself, thus ,those who want me to share my meditation experience, I also asked them to go in this direction,I insisted that as long as you put your heart into burning your life for the Dhamma, you will definitely get what you want one day. Of course, this also requires a persistent determination and patience. There is nothing wrong with this, but the human mind, how fickle ah, the slightest inattention to this mind will produce darkness and depression.
So there are so many things that need to be well prepared when you practice on the path, liberation is the final goal, but how much defilements do you need to cut off through the path in the process? Give you an object of meditation, an anapanasati,and tell you that with this anapana practice you can practice to achieve concentration. You can realize the insight wisdom (vipasana nana). Through this breath, you can see impermanence, suffering, and not-self from the arising and passing away of every nama of meditation, and finally realize the path and fruit of liberation (magapala). But how many conditions do you need to have in this process? You must have a teacher in whom you have a strong and unshakable faith. Secondly, you must have a suitable place for meditation that provides a steady and undisturbed practice. Thirdly, you must have persistent patience and faith towards your goal.These are the basic conditions, and there are many fine things below that you need to look after and cut off. Your mind must also be strong and healthy. This mind, the strongest, is also the weakest. How many people commit suicide because of spiritual practice? And then it can breaks down when you carelessly.You have to have enough wisdom to self guiding . Of course, if you meet a wise teacher, he will immediately know your predicament and difficulties . However, if you are in a large meditation center with hundreds of meditators, you may only have a few minutes to report on your meditation experience, and no more. Furthermore, many meditation teachers just focus on your meditation report and do not deal with the blockages in your mind. If a meditation teacher has mental health counseling and Dharma meditation experience, it will be better and more helpful to more people.
Some people may argue that the Dharma is higher than mental consultation, but in order to touch the heart of a person, it needs to be very transparent and gradually guided and opened up. And I really rely on my perseverance in meditation. This journey of mentalities I will be fine dissection, this is not a very beautiful process.
I felt the arrogance, the comparison, the competition, the disapproval, all in one word on my surface - the word persistence. I have to be very honest and honest. The reality behind this persistence is that I am too stubborn! I was too tough. I was greedy. I was arrogant. The great quality I thought I had:persistent,in fact,it is my deep root stubbornness , the truth is very painful . This is an extremely honesty I have to myself.
My shoulder hurt for more than a month, in Thailand it was a very intense pain, and now in Korea, the pain in my shoulder continued spreading to my arm, only after I sat in meditation, the pain was relieved, but I usually still have pain. The laypeople in Korea persuaded me to see a doctor and take an X-ray, but I declined. I think pain is what I should be looking at. This is suffering. My heart will not and cannot be defeated by this fear of suffering. I did not allow and accept my weakness. I still continue to use thought that I should endure the pain ,I can continue fight .I also think that since I am a meditatator, I should apply the Dharma to myself. So, two days ago I was using four elements to investigate the major pains in my body. I saw the tension under the pain, the wind pushing. Having reached a certain point of contemplation, I saw the pain from my shoulder to my arm increase to the extreme, and I kept watching it, watching it goes from most strongest till it became weaken and weaken.The layer beneath the pain vibrates. Yesterday, I suddenly read a sentence, the body's pain, from the mind.
I investigated this phrase in meditation, and I want to see where I was doing wrong.I have worked hard enough , maybe I am a lot less than the Buddha, but I have done my best in the strength and energy to the extent that I can use, I have given my health and life to the practice . I am not afraid of death, I am not afraid of illness, I am not afraid of poverty, I have done all I can, I think I am dedicated to the dharma, when I am the most diligent time, I only allow myself to lie down and rest from eleven to one o'clock in the night, after one o'clock I continue to meditate,Am i not working hard enough?
In a flash, I saw a word appear, I was stubborn. Why are you so stubborn? I will never admit defeat, I meditate in the meditation hall for the longest time is also because I am not convinced I want to do the most hard working person, if the other meditates for seven hours one sitting,. I will be eight hours, I will meditate ten, I will meditate fourteen hours.My arrogance is the core of this stubbornness. I think I can't be less than others. You see how much dirt you have to take into account and clear in the middle of meditation. You try to balance and keep the mind strong,but there is a change underneath you. This stubbornness continued to build up a strong energy in my body and between my brows in my brain after I enter to samadhi,Stubbornness buried deep in the subconscious,I can do more,I can be better,I still can.During the deepening of meditation, I continued in this energy even in my sleep.
Once I focus on one thing, the energy of my whole body leaves and gathers in the middle of my body and between my eyebrows. Because of stubbornness, my body is in a tight and stiff state, and my stubbornness tells me that I need to maintain good discipline and be mindful at all times.I will check if there is any wrong in my actions that needs to be corrected. It seems that there is nothing wrong and it is all good. But one of the links to all this is what stubbornness told me. This is the cause, this cause has exceeded the ability of the body to bear. My stubbornness is telling me that I need to be good enough and persistent then I can achieve what I want . Even if I don't have the perfect qualities of the Buddha, I should emulate his perfection. Therefore, as I said before, the journey is really not easy. A mind needs a lot of care . Because of my own negligence, even if I achieve my goal, there are side effects. This seems like a perfect result, but it is rough underneath. When I touched the word "I am stubborn," the pain in my shoulder reached to the palm, Shaking violently, I saw the energy spreading from my heart layer after layer, I saw my stubbornness torturing this body, I saw myself not taking care of my heart, I saw my stubbornness, arrogance, recalcitrance , and even my demands on myself and others. Finally I was let go of all what I was struggling and defended.I repented, I looked at myself and said I conceded, I shouldn't be so stubborn, I shouldn't not be convinced. As the thought presented itself over and over again, the energy that had gathered for a long time from the top of the head spread out. The shoulder went soft. When humility and letting go appear, every corner of the body, soft mess and melt in the openness.The pain in the shoulder to the arm is reduced to small and subside The force gathered in the body suddenly dispersed.
Coming out of meditation, I found that previously view I held lead to physical suffering. In the past, even in meditation and mindfulness, i could quickly see the rising and falling and tranquility of the Dhamma, but the stiffness accumulated in the body and made the body uncomfortable. It's just that I ignore my body's feeling because I don't accept I’m not strong.I push myself to meditate when I need rest, and I don’t allow myself not to be defeated when I am sick. Such a mind comes from stubbornness , and this stubbornness is from ignorance.
This ignorance hardens every cell with the energy of its own stiffness every moment. Now, let go of the thought I should be persistence .Bring up the idea that I should not be stubborn. Suddenly found and realized that perfection does not come from without mistakes , perfection is not means everything needs to be alright . The opposite of perfection is not imperfection , but crowding, framing, bondage, stiffness . True perfection is non-attachment, letting go. Perfection is, because the wrong view is eliminated. Perfection is because we do not give any opinions or judgments to ourselves, to others, or to conditions. Perfection is full. Full of power. Perfection is that there is no lack in the heart. Because there is no core, perfection is not bound to a limit. Perfection comes from not wanting to gain, and there is nothing to lose. The character of perfection is soft. All i did was let go this conceit . This “self”.
Perfection is, just a slightly,gentle touch, it is so soft, so open, innocent and childlike. Without comparison and arguing with others, it is just what happens inside of you and the result of you letting go of everything. You go with the flow. Not demanding everything.
