Ashley's Practice Log 3 - Discussion
5/12
Back into the head/mind stream in today's sit. Back up into or near that dreamy state. I will sort of dip into it and then back out again, is what it feels like. No distance between "me" and sensations, anything I see, hear, feel, think, etc. A deep calm. Sensations are like little eddies that spin up and then subside.
5/13
Three sits today, 45 minutes each.
5/14
No sit during the day, just my poor planning and time management.
Tried to meditate before bed, did for maybe 40 minutes before I fell asleep, would have sat longer but the sleepiness got me.
5/15
50 minute sit early afternoon, another 1 hour sit late afternoon.
Gentle noting, more labeling early on, less or no labeling later on. Relaxing into the sit. I feel very good even though it seems as though nothing much is happening during the sit. I do notice subtle shifts in concentration, and subtle shifts in where attention is focusing during different parts of the sit... For some strange reason?? I got really frustrated and really averse to the sound of a helicopter. For literally no reason at all, not a clue why I had such extreme irritation at a helicopter that I just wanted to go away. Later in the sit, much more relaxation and lightening of body and mind. No more anger-triggering helicopters... There were a few times when it felt like attention is not focusing on anything in particular, and I just notice broad, vague, space... No-particular-thing-ness... Until something specific pops out again.
5/16
1 hour sit. Just relaxing, noting, going along, all sense doors, trying to just note thoughts as thoughts, NOT go into trances even if nice-feeling, noted a lot of thoughts about work, and occasional thoughts about practice, sort of "how is this sit going", checking in with the sit type thoughts. Nothing that difficult or negative during the sit, in the middle I lost the flow of noting, readjusted, resettled and continued on.
But off-cushion, though!! I feel a mind freakout coming on, I am getting so easily and overly irritated, frustrated, annoyed, by some particularly annoying people in particular. Like, gonna tear my hair out if this annoyingness does not LET UP.
Obviously I know that if there are any practical solutions to make any particular situations better in daily life I can do those things, but aside from that... letting thoughts and emotions just be what they are... can be difficult. I see the trap of getting stuck in this stuff, and I know not to do that. But, there is this feeling of, "There is ALL this extreme irritation and feeling bothered and annoyed and frustrated, so what do I DO with it?" There is that wanting to DO something with it, DO something about it. The feeling is - I can't just let it be, right, I've got to DO something about this. I CAN'T just let it be, and I MUST judge myself for feeling this way, etc. etc.
I guess I already know what to do. I know well enough to let thoughts be thoughts, emotions be emotions, however powerful or captivating. It's obvious what to note, obvious that I can just note it, obvious that I don't HAVE to get sucked into it.
So. May I bravely experience this moment and wisely avoid reactivity!!!!!!!!!
5/17
50 minute sit. Very strong concentration today. Thoughts not totally gone of course. But quieter and more in the background. Noticed a few subtle shifts in concentration. Maybe 40 minutes in, there was a very pronounced and sudden onset of uniform tingling in the face and hands. Not so subtle!
There is normally a sense of something solid/stable in the center, like my vantage point from which I view/sense all other sensations. There was a loosening up of this sense of a stable thing in the center, sometimes seen as just more shifting and changing sensations, not solid and stable, after which I'd almost feel like I'm moving/bouncing around with attention, like I am located "there" wherever the sensation is that attention is currently noting/noticing. Sometimes it would "stabilize" again as though I'm back at the center point "here" watching "there". I watched this solid/stable sense of being at this center point, because it kind of bothered me that it felt so stable and permanent, so I watched and it would sort of "break up" sometimes into component sensations.
Very good, very relaxed, concentration very strong, very good sit.
Feeling much better today off-cushion also. No getting overly irritated and annoyed.
Back into the head/mind stream in today's sit. Back up into or near that dreamy state. I will sort of dip into it and then back out again, is what it feels like. No distance between "me" and sensations, anything I see, hear, feel, think, etc. A deep calm. Sensations are like little eddies that spin up and then subside.
5/13
Three sits today, 45 minutes each.
5/14
No sit during the day, just my poor planning and time management.
Tried to meditate before bed, did for maybe 40 minutes before I fell asleep, would have sat longer but the sleepiness got me.
5/15
50 minute sit early afternoon, another 1 hour sit late afternoon.
Gentle noting, more labeling early on, less or no labeling later on. Relaxing into the sit. I feel very good even though it seems as though nothing much is happening during the sit. I do notice subtle shifts in concentration, and subtle shifts in where attention is focusing during different parts of the sit... For some strange reason?? I got really frustrated and really averse to the sound of a helicopter. For literally no reason at all, not a clue why I had such extreme irritation at a helicopter that I just wanted to go away. Later in the sit, much more relaxation and lightening of body and mind. No more anger-triggering helicopters... There were a few times when it felt like attention is not focusing on anything in particular, and I just notice broad, vague, space... No-particular-thing-ness... Until something specific pops out again.
5/16
1 hour sit. Just relaxing, noting, going along, all sense doors, trying to just note thoughts as thoughts, NOT go into trances even if nice-feeling, noted a lot of thoughts about work, and occasional thoughts about practice, sort of "how is this sit going", checking in with the sit type thoughts. Nothing that difficult or negative during the sit, in the middle I lost the flow of noting, readjusted, resettled and continued on.
But off-cushion, though!! I feel a mind freakout coming on, I am getting so easily and overly irritated, frustrated, annoyed, by some particularly annoying people in particular. Like, gonna tear my hair out if this annoyingness does not LET UP.
Obviously I know that if there are any practical solutions to make any particular situations better in daily life I can do those things, but aside from that... letting thoughts and emotions just be what they are... can be difficult. I see the trap of getting stuck in this stuff, and I know not to do that. But, there is this feeling of, "There is ALL this extreme irritation and feeling bothered and annoyed and frustrated, so what do I DO with it?" There is that wanting to DO something with it, DO something about it. The feeling is - I can't just let it be, right, I've got to DO something about this. I CAN'T just let it be, and I MUST judge myself for feeling this way, etc. etc.
I guess I already know what to do. I know well enough to let thoughts be thoughts, emotions be emotions, however powerful or captivating. It's obvious what to note, obvious that I can just note it, obvious that I don't HAVE to get sucked into it.
So. May I bravely experience this moment and wisely avoid reactivity!!!!!!!!!
5/17
50 minute sit. Very strong concentration today. Thoughts not totally gone of course. But quieter and more in the background. Noticed a few subtle shifts in concentration. Maybe 40 minutes in, there was a very pronounced and sudden onset of uniform tingling in the face and hands. Not so subtle!
There is normally a sense of something solid/stable in the center, like my vantage point from which I view/sense all other sensations. There was a loosening up of this sense of a stable thing in the center, sometimes seen as just more shifting and changing sensations, not solid and stable, after which I'd almost feel like I'm moving/bouncing around with attention, like I am located "there" wherever the sensation is that attention is currently noting/noticing. Sometimes it would "stabilize" again as though I'm back at the center point "here" watching "there". I watched this solid/stable sense of being at this center point, because it kind of bothered me that it felt so stable and permanent, so I watched and it would sort of "break up" sometimes into component sensations.
Very good, very relaxed, concentration very strong, very good sit.
Feeling much better today off-cushion also. No getting overly irritated and annoyed.
Sounds like you might have had the common experience of touching on EQ, life and maybe less time practicing causing a falling back into reobservation, and then finding EQ again.
One thing to consider: practice becomes really solid when you sort of secretly wish Reobs would happen so you could get a good look at it. In other words, "I don't mind having a sit where I want to get up after 15 minutes, because then I'll be able to really study my reactivity and know it so well that I won't get duped again!"
Not something to be egotistical about, but rather more bravery plus respect for reobservation plus a lot of faith in yourself and your practice.
Definitely keep consistent daily practice going.
One thing to consider: practice becomes really solid when you sort of secretly wish Reobs would happen so you could get a good look at it. In other words, "I don't mind having a sit where I want to get up after 15 minutes, because then I'll be able to really study my reactivity and know it so well that I won't get duped again!"
Not something to be egotistical about, but rather more bravery plus respect for reobservation plus a lot of faith in yourself and your practice.
Definitely keep consistent daily practice going.
One thing to consider: practice becomes really solid when you sort of secretly wish Reobs would happen so you could get a good look at it. In other words, "I don't mind having a sit where I want to get up after 15 minutes, because then I'll be able to really study my reactivity and know it so well that I won't get duped again!"
Thank you, I will keep this in mind! Back to regular practice... maybe (I'll do my best!!)