Hey all,

A month ago I began an intimate relationship with a woman. This is my first such relationship and naturally this has been a very exciting time for me. We have a very strong connection, lots of chemistry, etc. And this is someone I care about very much. However a week ago I noticed that I was approaching this relationship with lots of attachment, and that as a result my mind had lost much equanimity and had become filled with craving and suffering.

I did a little searching on here and found some really useful threads. Here is a quote that I found particularly helpful:


I do believe that my partner and I can have (and to a great extent already do have) that first kind of relationship, but I have many fears surrounding it. I have seen how having this second kind of relationship is not useful, but examining the mind's desire to play those sort of ego games is very difficult, and at times I wonder if I am cut out for the task. However, at other times I am very aware of the suffering that such thinking causes me, and can not help but examine and meditate for I know it to be the only reliable means of "escape". Obviously being in a relationship stirs up many deep-seated complexes and egoisms, and I believe this is why the above author argued that it can be "rocket fuel" for one's practice, because it provides an opportunity to observe these things.

But yet I have a fear of doing so. Most of my fear revolves around losing my partner, i.e. letting go of my attachment. One way that this fear manifests is as the idea that if I am invested in progressing through the Hinayana that I will withdraw within and subsequently close myself to my partner and lose them. I also have more general fears concerning the path itself such as fears of inadequecy and lack of strength. Am I strong enough to attain SE? By all accounts it takes near constant practice and effort, yet at the same time I do feel a strong drive to give such an effort.

Anyway, I would love to hear some of your thoughts on these matters. How do I deal with these fears? What is my best course of action here? 

Sex is also good for that.

Your thinking is too black and white. No relationship is entirely the first kind or the second kind. It takes a lot of practice and experience to be able to have the first kind consistently.



That won't happen. Meditation doesn't close you off to other people.

Also, by the way, the word "hinayana" is considered offensive and should be avoided (unless you want to offend people).



As I'm sure you know, you're worrying a lot over nothing. Just notice and pay attention to your fears and try to figure out what's really behind them.
Fear cannot exist if you are fully present... it requires thinking about a future that you see as unacceptable.

There's a Krishnamurti quote that helps me deal with fears and uncertainties... "Do you want to know my secret? Here it is: I don't mind what happens." You can't control anything: you're just along for the ride. The future will play out however it plays out.

As far as SE, going on retreat would probably help you. It provides conditions where giving near constant effort is easy. I got there in 8 days of constant effort (meaning that although my mind would wander frequently and for lengthy periods of time every day, I just kept bringing it back).