Hi, am new to the site and extremely grateful for all the helpful information. I wanted to write a post because I have not shared my practice with anyone who has reached some deep level of insight and I could really use some guidance to help and hopefully guide my towards 1st path. Ill give you a backround of my practice, Ill try to be somewhat brief but also with some details. About 2 years ago I attended a 10 day Goenka retreat. I had new to meditation and been doing in for about 2 months prior. My first 4 days there I had a good amount of joy and some peace and then I became bogged down in my head thinking about philosophy and death and becoming extremely doubtful and discouraged plagued with fear of death. (Something Ive struggled with many times) After the Goenka retreat I dropped the practice and experimented with different spiritual practices about the next year and a half. About 4 or maybe 5 months ago I began practicing silent meditation again. I began doing an open awareness different for what I had learned from Goenka, I kindof open awareness, bringing my attention to whatever the minds awareness shifted to. (hear, coolness, tingling, sounds,) At that time I was focusing too much on mind states. Then I went on a 10 day retreat about 2 months ago at Insight Meditation Center and continued this kind of open awareness knowing whatever sensations arise and also included mind states. I began experiencing alot of joy in feeling some freedom from the content of my thoughts and some joy. One night while sitting for about an hour and a half I was watching intense pain in my back for quite a while and everything became more and more still and quiet and the pain "broke through" and I felt an intense wave of sensation or release or a burst of euphoric energy. It felt so good. It felt as if I entered a new room or something. I felt so peaceful and light and it felt like if I continued to be present with that It would have just continued to deepen and become more intense. But after a few more seconds I became excited and began thinking alot about how cool it was. The only noting I had been doing at that point was noting thinking when thinking would happen but when I had that experience I had let go of the note of thinking, and It seemed that it was easier to be with the sensations while noticing thoughts come and go. That experience really gave me faith in the practice, that it could lead to insight and some peace. Could this experience of been an A and P? After the retreat I continued practicing seriously since. I am currently sitting for an hour and a half every morning and an hour sometime later in the day or evening. Over the last month or so I have been doing the noting practice. While sitting noting tingling, hearing, thinking, pulsing, pressure, heat, coolness, wanting, striving, aversion, in and out for breath, joy, bad feeling, anxiety, relaxing...These are the main ones that usually come up. While im sitting I sometimes note pretty fast. If im hearing I will just say hearing repeatedly very fast until the awareness moves to something else for example pulsing. Then I will note pulsing continuesly fast. Alot of times it moves back in forth between hearing and pulsing or tingling so I will not fast back in forth. The noting has definitely helped me not get lost as much in stories and thinking of my mind. After noting fast for a while, sometimes my breathing and heart move a bit faster and I sometimes feel like im not experiencing what I'm naming as much so I slow it down and focus a more on just the tingling. If my awareness jumps around I just notice the objects rather than noting them, but I will continue to note some of them or one that is constant. Ive found that whether its pain or pleasant sensations or whatever there is a level of equanimity lately with the noting. My mind almost has a similar mood of neutral throughout alot of the meditation. There still is some aversion when the pain sometimes gets very intense, and some wanting when things are pleasent. After about an hour or so of alternating between slow and fast noting like this I experiment with letting go completely of the noting and It feels pretty natural. When I let go of the noting many times I come to a similar place as I was that time on retreat. Im just experiencing all the sensations, sounds, and many times it becomes peaceful and the sensations become pleasant. It almost feels as if something is about to happen. Some sort of "break through" in my body and alot of time there is this joy during this, or just peace and equanimity. This almost always happens when I let go of the noting. Its similar to the experience I had on the retreat but sometimes not quite as intense. What usually happens when I get to this place is I note wanting and craving, or I note peace and I continue to watch the sensations. At this time I usually begin thinking more and get caught up in thought. Lately Ive been experimenting after about an hour of the noting letting go and then when Im experiencing all the sensations, sounds, and when it feels like im dropping down into peace and really experiencing it all in this way, I begin noting sensations again instead of leaving the noting out so I don't end up lost in thought. I guess my question is I keep getting to that situation or experience after letting go of the noting and then I get stuck in thought there and Im not sure if that experience is even important. I am aware that there is some wanting to go "deeper" into that peaceful state. What is it thats going on? Its hard to formulate an intellegent question in regards to this all. Does someone who has reached first path have suggestions or insight into my practice? Should I let go more of the noting? Or should I ignore the urge to let go to "go deeper" and just note and note and note? Also I am noting throughout the day stepping stepping stepping, and everything else as well. Except when I am in class in school or playing music, or in conversation or when I forget. I am looking for guidance, because I truely don't know if practicing skillfully or not. I look forward to your help and insight I apologize for the details, I just wanted to be specific. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond.

May You Be Happy
Ben

Hey Ben,
It sounds like you are practicing really well to me. When you get to that place where you start getting lost in though, are you spacing out or are you just following random thoughts? Its a little difficult to say where you are, which is important so that you can fine-tune your practice.

Maybe describing your current cutting edge a little more closely would help? For example is it a wide focus or a narrow one? Is it peaceful or blissful? Is is a bodily bliss or a lighter simple less buzzy happiness?

In my opinion you could either be working up to equanimity or may be settling into Jhana. I'm assuming you have read Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha but if I'm wrong, you should do that as it has lots of good information for you.

Keep up the good work.

tom

Hey Tom,
Thanks so much for reading my post and responding. When I get to the place where I am lost in thought I am more following thoughts than spacing out. When I get to the cutting edge place there becomes a feeling of peace and settling in. Sometimes the peace is accompanied by bliss and joy. There is always some peace and contentment at that point. There are waves or jolts of sensations in my body that feel very pleasant. The sensations almost feeling arounsing in the body sometimes they feel so good. Everything seems to get quiet and still. Its a wide focus that many times is accompanied by this pleasurable pulsing and waves of a kind of zinging pressure that kind of ebbs and flows. This usually last a pretty short time. Maybe up to a minute until I start thinking about where its going or how I want it to keep getting better. Or wow this is so awesome. Or I wonder what will happen next? Or about the practice and stuff like that. Or I start thinking about how Im not supposed to cling to it and then try to note it to let go or something. So maybe alot of striving. I hope this helps describe it alittle better. Thanks
Ben

Howdy,
at the end of your last post you you mention that eventually you try to note the sensations. That is almost always the way forward. Be more inclusive. Include everything. Disect the feelings and sensations of peace and ease, your strivings, expansive space..they are all sensations too. There are times though where noting may not be appropriate as you move to the more subtle. For me the danger there is either spacing out or starting to get hooked by my thoughts.

If getting hooked by thoughts is your particular 'weakness du jour', then try to catch them as they arise, and depersonalize them by either noting them or by noticing the fact that they are arising on their own.. you aren't doing it.

tom

Hey Tom,
Thanks a lot. I will continue to note the sensations and try to note more specifically the feelings that are coming up at that point. I think Ive been missing a few. I appreciate you helping me with my practice.
Ben