5/30/12 12:36 PM

social justice ideal: Regarding the affective faculty as primitive and clearly seeing it's magnificent power to control, i can see clearly why the world is in turmoil and why individuals are so vitriolic and unwholesome. the unimpeded intelligence is superior but being ignorant of Self and blindly valuing ones emotions over ones intellect not to mention ones culture over science and reason and chaos will reign. People cannot change until they see clearly what it is they are changing and why. They can't do this while being ignorant of Self unless they happen to have developed some emotional attachment to reason which is quite rare.

fatigue: still feel common fatigue but no longer compelled to satisfy it. Fascination, both the childish kind and the scholastic kind, has enabled me to choose life over sleep.

work: i now enjoy work. this evolution is worth noting. in the very beginning, i was talking myself out of negative states. this process lasted upwards of 12 months and didn't change my dread of work; it just mitigated my suffering while there. more recently, i noticed that i suffered equally at work as i did away from it. (I'm self employed and have no deadlines). when i did work, i suffered boredom and anxiety. away from work, i suffered shame that i wasn't working. Then somehow, i developed fascination and work became fun. i became genuine interested in the people around me and after a setback, i hve new internal feelings to explore. After a victory, i have another genre of feeling to explore. And there is always something to either study or marvel at.

pure intent: this was excitement. i doubt it was the same thing R. talks about. i still don't have PCE's.

ego: process of Self is still active. 'i' still want to control everything i can control for the advancement of both 'me' and this flesh and blood body. of course, i engage fascination and/or wonder whenever i notice that this process has started anew. likewise, i notice compulsion which includes wanting to save the world as well as teach my friends and family the Way. I also notice obsession especially after a sudden shift in fortune. 'i' want to replay the event over and over again. Eating compulsion is also quite frequent.


5/13

update

1. social justice ideal - 3 days ago i began counting each time my mind went there. that seems to help a great deal. one thing i noticed today is that the more interested i am in the topic and the more comprehensive my opinions are regarding said topic, the more difficult it is to drop the topic. Sometimes, there is a pure interest in a subject which can get corrupted by the thinker and the feeler. It may be best to completely drop the subject if the corruption is too ingrained; and if not then it may be best to continue with the subject as a way to see pure intent and watch out for the tendency of identity to own and use it to its advantage. more on this later.

2. fatigue - it hasn't gone away but it's changed. i'm not resisting it right now and it has stopped interfering with my plans. i credit this to discovering what i hope is pure intent and with a new-found work "ethic". The two together have energized me so that the thinker isn't any longer worried about not accomplishing enough. i still get tired and then take a nap. I don't feel guilty after taking the nap because i still go to work and still accomplish stuff throughout the day. This doesn't seem to be getting at the root cause but it's better than nothing.

3. work - i go to work now everday almost, probably 40-50 hours a week for the last 2 weeks or so. i credit this to realizing that works sucks just as much as non-work. of course, while at work i am trying my best to realize the innate perfection of the moment.

4. pure intent - i may have discovered it. while studying french i was energized with a delightful excitement. i realized that this excitement wasn't affective (i don't think. it is possible that it is but it isn't egotistical and that's a good improvement.) it does however have commonalities with affective exuberance which i think is the release of the hormone dopamine. But in this excitement, i did not detect any wash of hormones which for some unknown reason i am quite naturally skilled at detecting as i've heard that even some experienced meditators can't detect their hormones. it is quite possible that this excitement is a hormone i am simply unable to detect. It also has commonalities with felicity. In fact, it may be felicity. As alluded to above, the identity has a tendency to attempt ownership of the cause of this excitement (in this case, it was learning a new language). e.g. the ego may lay out a plan so that in x amount of months, y amount of knowledge is accumlated and can then be used for z purposes: obviosly that tendency needs to be kicked in the butt before gathering steam. that part isn't hard to do after so many months of trying to whittle away the social identity.

5. seeing the difference between what i am calling pure intent and the ego is having some good consequences. i am slightly more able to move away from mind noise and focus on the present and pure intent.


5/14

social justice idealogy - i was reading a passage regarding the vietnam wars' affect on the scientific community. A jolt of pain hit my heart. I recognized it instantly as coming from my social justice idealogy (SJI tension). I had to put the book down. I counted it - a method i mention above. It was only the second occurence today. But I then realized that ignoring it won't make it go away; it'll simply arrest the identity before it contracts around it. There is a belief that causes the pain in the first place. I have to remove that belief. So i likened war to an inevitable physical vibration of energy expressing itself in human action. but i realized that too is a belief. so i modified it. I said that i don't understand war. i may be an inevitable physical vibration of energy expressing itself in human action or it may be something else altogether. it may be inevitable. it may not be. i don't know anything about it except that is a powerful and ongoing human phenomenon. And that it's unlikey to go away anytime soon. And my understanding of it or lack thereoff isn't going to affect it's frequency or duration.

minor irritations - i continue to notice them and may be noticing them with greater and greater frequency. they are quite powerful. as they arrest my momentum and force me to consider the negative feeling, i can better label them and devise a strategy for eradicating them.

5/15


it has been 6-7 days since discovering this numen. concurrently, i have been effective reducing my obsession with justice and reason. beginning yesterday, a base affective sensation was labeled. my best guess is that it is the evolutionary drive to establish a niche. but in my case, after months of SI dismantling, i neither want nor reject a niche. therefore, the impulsive plannings, fatastical daydreams and anxious fears regarding the absence or a normal, socially conformative niche are largely absent. nonetheless, a base discontent remains.

i can and do contrast this base discontent with the numen discovered 6-7 days ago. the numen and base discontent is like syrup on a rice paddy. better yet it is like a farmer observing his land under a thunderstorm after a month of drought: it is like a highly educated and talented farmer watching said thunderstorm, analyzing the water fall through the air, hitting the mud under the dark moving clouds, discovering endless harmonies and rhythym in the pid and the pud; all the while he knows this thunderstorm is elementary to his whole profession. And this farmer also is aware and annoyed at his old haggard wife nagging him about a small leak in the roof.

The old wife won't go away when the roof is fixed. She'll nag about something else because she doesn't know better. it is ingrained in what she is. the farmer will fix the roof if it becomes a big problem or when he gets the means to do so. he has no doubt about that and so the roof is not his concern. he would like the wife to stop her nagging but he can't do anything about that either. Yelling will only exacberate it. And so he tunes her out but it may be better to study her and allow the numen to break her down into ever little pieces in it's own natural time.

5/16

interesting day. i did a lot of walking and a lot of trying. i really wanted to be aware of the oneness which i thought i had been seeing much more clearly recently. today i had no luck. but late late in my day, i had some, hopefully, extremely helpful insights.

We are designed and taught to regard life and to regard events as either positive, negative or neutral according to our own immediate self interest, long term self interest or idealogy. We naturally get quite emotional about these events.*
This is the cause of our stress.

How do we stop this?

Instead of regarding events as either beneficial, harmful or neutral, we can program ourselves to regard events with curiosity. How did that happen? What are the causes of those affects. This would be easiest to do when digesting beneficial events...especially easy when the beneficial event is also pleasant like playing a fun game and winning, for example. Neutral events or neutral phenomena (constellations, colors, street signs, etc) would take more time to cultivate a curiosity towards. And harmful events would be the most difficult but the most advantageous type towards which one can cultivate curiosity. AFT calls this fascination and child like wonder.

In this way, we are teaching ourselves to regard the world as a place of endless cause and effect. And ourselves as its' observer. This is in contrast to seeing the world as the place in which we fight for our own survival, our posterity,our comfort and distinction and our ideas. Instead of seeing ourselves as soldiers fighting for both ourselves and some higher ideal; we are simply humble scientist, or better yet; we are just curious children continually asking variations of 'why is the sky blue?'**

The things which are giving me the most trouble need to be viewed with fascination. The how needs to be emphasized to the exclusion of whether and how much it is beneifical, harmful or neutral.

* Thanks to memory, we can and most often do become emotional about past events and past emotions. We do this even though they have no impact on our immediate or long term self-interest. They do impact our idealogy because our view of ourselves is only an idea: our past self is dead and the future self is neither yet here nor ever reliably predicatable. In the same way that reading some news about events a continents away can cause an emotional reaction so can a memory of a past trauma.

**it is quite telling that myself and i'd say 99/100 educated people don't know the precise answer to this query. we are so busy with our Self that we never even wonder why the thing which we spend 16 hours a day everyday under is the color that it is. And if we do for a moment, we are soon distracted by our Self so that we don't have time to look the answer up. That is laughable.

5/17

I am confident today that i'll be able to stop any painful emotion and habitual identification by remembering to think scientifically and to ask child-like questions. Yesterday, i didn't go to work. i realized that the only reason i go to work is to satiate my pride. (i don't need the money). Today, i am going to work just to see how this wondeful naivite will work in that environment. the goal of this practice isn't to figure out how i can maintain and improve my lifestyle with less suffering. the goal is to cease to be a 34 year old crybaby and start being a 34 year old guy who loves to ask questions and find out answers with only the utmost sincerity due to a complete lack of...what's the word...emotional investment (that'll do.).

5/18 12:31 AM

kept switching from viewing myself as an ever-changing yet relatively stable process to simply a momentary feeling-thought. different from disassociation because there was no observer. only the thought-feeling followed by another thought-feeling followed by another. when they did build upon each other and contained a general theme like 'how do i feel' or 'what should i do' a subsequent thought usually did manifest realizing the nature of self and time i.e. there is only me now and never me then. There was no 'me' convincing 'myself' either. each time that particular feeling-thought manifested, it resonated well and produced non-attachment.

also, there was a great deal of naiviete towards everything. one aspect was particulary refreshing. there was a sincere curiosity regarding other people and how they felt and who they were. this made work a lot more fun. interestingly, work was still very emotional. perhaps even more so, as i didn't seek to repress the emotions via sensousness or deliberately talk myself out of the emotions. i did return to sensousness and i did employ self-talk. but i also turned naivite onto my own 'self'. i didn't need to spend countless minutes analyzing myself in intense scientific curiosity. i just innoncently wondered why that emotion was present. what is the biological process involved? what about social conditioning? in fact, i could have been saying the exact same things to myself as i have been saying for months now. but the flavor was different. the flavor wasn't 'me' fixing 'me'. it was just sincere curiosity.

another theme. i realized that obviously there is a ton that i don't know and will never be able to know. so this uncertainity has to be given room and allowed to be appreciated. Uncertainity is a fundamental aspect of being human. and wisdom would have one learn to appreciate it in moments when it is particularly recognizable. this is probably differnent from doubt. as recognizing that i don't know and perhaps can't know why a person does a certain thing is diiferent from doubting my own point of view.

i hope this continues. i have had breakthoughs and they all fade away. why would i ever stop asking these wonderful questions. it is such a joy to be view life through this prism. it does take energy. but it also gives it. i am expending a lot of energy wondering 'how'. but it isn't an act of will. the energy is coming from knowledge or joy.

5/19

would like a grade on direction of progress.


chaging brain to see all phemenona as a scientist would see them. How does that work? what is the stucture? how is it connected to the surrounding phenomena, etc? this webste- how does it work? how does the keyboard tell the computer what is typed? what is the name of the color of this wall? which primary colors were used to develop it? what does it invoke in the affective brain and how?

there are so may questions to be asked, so little time to get all the answers, and some answers are just not yet known. one has to be comfortable with uncertainity and enjoy the process of asking and learning.

This must be the crux of actualism. this process of fascination upends the identity. Identity is designed for and functions to warp all phenomena into categories of constructive, nefarious and neither. From there plans of actions are formed. Those plans are then very often disrupted by the unskillful, habitual and neuro-biological categorization of the next phenonmena, which often makes you question your previous categorization and/or plan of action. Soon one is utterly confused. Enter idealogy, habit and routine. Ahh, safe sweet ideaology. From here, we can easily regard and categorize all phenonmena and mindlessly and/or passionately respond to them according to our habits and our routine And should one question this system of idealogy + habit + routine then woe be to them. Because that is my secutity blanket. That is my home base. That's the safe where i keep all my money and all my valuables. I am utterly lost without it. Without it, life would be unthinkable. I will defend it to the death if need be. (there are a few of us who developed an emotional attachment to Truth and are even willing discover lies within our selves in that pursuit. it is unknown how it happened. how did an emotional attachment to Truth develop within us when all our friends and relatives lack it? Just quirky chance.)


changing brain to regard 'me' as a momentary phenemona rather than a continuous process. i am whatever this moments feeling whatever it maybe. the observation changes it. and i am now the change. an external phenomena changes it. re-observation and yet another change. endless change. If sadness or anger stick it is because the brain is keeping it around. the brain is saying i am sad and either fighting or accepting it. or it is saying, that is sadness and either fighting it or accepting it.


I think the difference between 'i' am my feelings and dissaccoiation lies in not dividing the self into two parts, observer and observed. but rather seeing Self as one undivided part always changing, never isolated and alwasy fascinating.

it should be noted that this is the age for the path of fascination. we now have answers to all these wonderfilled questions. in past ages, we did not and had to rely on other methods to change the brain. These methods obviously work. though i doub that they are as effective as the path of fascination.

5/20

What am I? I am the 5 senses. I am this body. I am the affective faculty. I am the cognitive process. I am those things in this moment and this moment only. The cognitive process and affective sense has learned that sustainable happiness is preferable to shifting moodiness. It has learned that sustainable happiness is derived from a calm (or absent) affective faculty and a logical cognitive process. It has learned that shifting moodiness is derived from the desire to control. It has learned that this desire is an innate function of the affective faculty; its' raison d'etre. It has learned that the affective faculty co-opts the cognitive process to that end; To think in terms of exploitation and control. And so the cognitive process has come to understand that it has to change the way it operates to foster logic or reason. It also understands that it can manipulate the affective faculty to accept logic and reason just as the affective faculty has been manipulating it all this time.

One insight derived from this tug of war between reason and impulsive emotionality is that the desire to control is the cause of one's personal narrative. The affective faculty's innate need for control extends to the theme of it's own existence. This can be called the quest for glory. Another insight is that all knowledge including wisdom is immediately sorted out by the cognitive process for the purposes of control and exploitation. This can be called the quest for power. Under the spell of 'you', trapped in the labryinth of "I", life is an endless quest for more power and more glory. Success breeds pride, creature comforts and instant gratification like sex and good food. Failure brings shame, discomfort and frustration. An aversion to the whole process creates repression and resentment. Repression and resentment is then turned into knowledge (a psuedo knowledge - an idealogy) to be used for the purposes of capturing whatever power and glory can be saved.

And we always return to the 5 senses and the body. We view the affective faculty as a phenomenon capable of great power like a hurricane or tornado. We time and time again remember to think logically rather than absently-mindedly validating the innate desire for control. We do this because we know. We know the old ways cause suffering and that objectivity and presence reduces it.

We use fascination to fuel the demolition of the desire to control. We are fascinated with the information our 5 senses continually provide. We are fascinated with the automatic workings of the body. We are fascinated with the great power and seemingly omnipresence of the affectual factulty. We are fascinated with how often the cognitive process turns to greed, aversion and delusion and how those states affect the affective faculty. We are fascinated with the scientific understanding of being this moment and only this moment, nothing more but nothing less either. We are fascinated with the process of learning too. Fascination can blow the desire to control into smithereens.

we become committed to this end. That commitment brings worry. the desire for control is dying like a once mighty fire that once fueled an entire civilization and can still do so again; it's warmth can still be felt. Thoughts of 'what if' and 'if only so' run rapid. If only we stroke this fire, feed it some more, we can do great things. Become great. Thoughts of what we will become as our energy source dies out. We will wither away. Sure our body will live, unencumbered and free even. But we will be so withered and pathetic.

5/21

this morning, had feeling of home when i was fully in the present moment. it was joyous. nonetheless, the mind continues to race thorugh memories and aspirations creating anxieties and doubt. was sitting in chair waiting for coffee to brew. i drifted off to sleep. it was immediately after awakening but sleep was the full 8+ hours. what was this fatigue? it may have been biological because it was so soon after awakening but any bit of sustained inspiration could have eviscerated it. that required inspiration failed to materialize. Why? 1) Those habitual pathways visiting all those imagined memories and imagined aspirations creating all that anxieity and doubt. It's no wonder the mind preferred sleep. 2)I falied to engage in any inspiring activity. I have a book which i find fascinating and could have picked up that. I have music which is uplilfting. I have studies which can inspire. i could have stretched in the backyard among the birds. I failed to do any of those things. why? Another thing i have noticed which is along the exact same lines is how the ego can attempt to take control of every innocent interest i have. if i want to learn the piano, the ego makes it a project. if i want to stretch, i immediately consider the future discomfort, etc. I only see one solution and that is to continue to be this present moment upon rememberance and to jot down these little issues as they come up. On the latter, it is. important to not hold to them for the purposes of creating an concise journal entry. But as long as i resist or curtail that impule then writing down issues does provides catharsis, motivation and enhanced understanding.

1:26 PM

a couple more things. nature of fantasy. conundrum of work.

nature of fantasy. fantasy serves two purposes. 1) it is instant gratification for the feeler. the feeler is empowered through the entire length of the fantasy. 2) it establishes and reinforces a goal for the thinker. The thinker has a goal for which to scheme so the feeler can feel empowered all the time. Fantasies have to be removed. they are removed by seeing the initial desire come up and letting that desire pass without incident. Fascination regarding the texture and 3 characterisitics of the desire as well as with the chain that links desire to personality will help one stay in the moment in the midst of that desire's arising.

conundrum of work. this paradox as i will be stating it is only relevant to my own situation. the only reason to work in my case is to get things. but as of now, i only want two things. (i have no material needs not met by my parents) 1) to be free and 2) to be respected. These things are obviously mutually exclusive. Work aids #2. Does it thwart #1? Maybe. My first choice is to be in the outdoors with freedom of movement, an array of pleasant sense objects and an equal array of things in which to find fascination. But at work, i am inside where the sense objects are less pleasant and the objects of fascination are less numerous. And work necessitates sitting for hours on end. On top of that, the stress is much greater at work and so my capacity to stay in the moment is much reduced because the energy required to arrest any obsession or compulsion that the stress intromits is much greater. I have done a marvelous job mitigating this suffering. Nonetheless, i find myself staring straight at the fact that the only reason i go to work in the first place is self-aggrandizement (respect). And since the capacity to be mindful and felcious at work is significantly reduced, it stands to reason that each hour at work (as compared to an hour sitting in my backyard or walking the dog) is an hour where neuroplasticity, at best, isn't being utilized fully and, at worst, the brain's current tendencies to identity phenomena as selfishly constructive, selfishly harmful or neither is being strenthened.


11:18 PM

Nikolai mentioned something in another thread. to pay attention to the act of trying. this is good. trying and doing are antithetical to each other. to try to do something is to actually do something else. doing is involuntary. interestingly, trying is involuntary to. but in trying to do 'x', one is involuntarily doing 'x'-1.

on the way home i became aware of a previously unregistered fear, the fear of loosing control. i had a happy day at work. i thoroughly enjoyed the interactions, was far less competitive and significantly less obsessive after loosing a hand. i felt on the way back home that if this continues then i may not have the proper motivation to play well.

for last 2 hours today, there was a guy on my right who was a fellow professional. i had never seen him before as he played a different game than i usually play. today i was playing his game and didn't know any of the players. he kept discussing poker from the perspective of a professional. i didn't like it. it rubbed me the wrong way. that type of thing usually does. as poker professionals, we are dependent on the ignorance and stubborness of our competition. to judge the competition or talk about which games and casinos have more action is like hunting deer while talking on a cell phone. In this case, i found his conversation rude and bad for business. I recognized this quite early. i noticed the vedena of hearing his talk. and i noticed myself cognitively identifying his talk as potentially harmful to me. and when he stopped, it stopped. and when he started up again, my reaction started up again. i had to ride the moment to get over it. in riding the moment, i remembered that 'he' was only a series conditions and his behavior was inevitable. In riding the moment, i was aware of my feelings as insignifcant and passing and aware of the senses and as usual observed the negative feeling change to positive as more and more sense data was registered. also as usual, i became fascinated with the process of the chain of identification.

5/23

continuing to see the ill effects of Identity. it is so warping and damn persistent. i cannot do anything without thinking about how it will or is affecting me. no time to simply enjoy this wonderful world if every moment is considered either an opportuntiy for advancement or as a distraction from the puruit of self-advancement or some other selfish paradigm. i was standing in my backyard watching the birds intently, trying to match the various songs with each species. And in this process, thoughts continually interrupt. 'what do the neighbors think?' , fantasies on how i will use this informatin. regrets that i didn't spend my childhood like this. ruminations about those distractions themselves. Today i will be ruminating on trents response to my question in another post.

5/25

making the transition from changing 'me' to observing 'me'. my guess is that 'i' have changed well enough so that 'i' am not so painful any more. i can regard 'me' quietly without suffering extremes of feeling. HAIETMOBA works really well at this stage. Juxtaposing being with the actual is the same thing but without the words. The words are good when the mind can't still itself. Life got simpler when i started to do this. Am seeing life as the setting for 'me' rather than as a thing to manipulate for 'my' benefit. And i'm seeing 'me' as a thing to view rather than a thing to modify. In this way, it doesn't matter where i am or what i do as long as the activity allows me to focus on HAIETMOBA then the potential for refinement is present. Are there settings which are ideal for refinement? Sure but it's probably not a game-changing difference. I can still juxtapose in the midst of conversation or entertainment and my thoughts can wander while sitting quietly. It'd be impossible to say for sure if one is definitively better than another without trying a retreat.

5/30

I think the process (It) is too often seen as a passive state. I mindfully observe myself and the world, paying attention to everything as if I'm watching an ongoing open-ended movie where i'm a supporting character and Life is the main character. That certainly does sound cool but it didn't get me far. These days i see It as a conscious choice to use my intelligence fully. Every waking moment i want to proactively engage my intelligence rather than rely on the automatic processes of emotion, narration, compulsion and obsession.

Intelligence can analyze anything. When analyzing the automatic processes mentioned above, my intelligence wants to regard them as alien or primitive. Which is not to say they aren't fascinating. Au contraire, they are quite interesting. Just now, i saw myself become hostile to tommys long post. i didn't want to read it because i didn't think it'd be useful. i had come on here to post something myself and didn't want to get sidetracked. That hostility was recognized as a shortcut to logical thinking. Rather than consciously decide whether the post was worth reading, the emotions wanted to decide for me: life in a nutshel for the unmindful and less mindful. In the end, i decided to read the post for the simple reason that it was no skin off my back. And i thought that perhaps i can post my thing here rather than on my thread. While reading it, i observed my emotions were quite active and i can't say that i learned a whole lot. by necessity, due to the flare ups that were occuring, the intelligence was marvelling at my own inner-stuff and there probably wasn't enough left over to engage the text itself. i am choosing not to re-read it tonight. Perhaps tomorrow. It is illogical to reply to a very well written and thoughtful post after only reading it one time. As a result, i am choosing to post this on my thread as an edit. there is still a lot of sorting out that has to be done before the intelligence reigns fully supreme. and just to be safe, i won't interfere in tommy's post since this is mostly in response to my thoughts rather than his post.

In the end, It doesn't matter whether there is an endgame or how utterly complete it is. Every moment choosing to engage the higher levels of your brain for the puposes of better enjoying this moment now is a moment perfectly utiilzed.

also, the compulsion to save the world is very strong.
and, by regarding the automatic processes of affect as alien or primitive. seeing how they ignite obsession, narration and compulsion like a flame on gasoline on wood, i can more easily understand why individuals are so confused and belligerent and why the world is in such turmoil. and it's easier to accept.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

September, 9, 2011

I have been disconnected from the internet for over a week.

Practice has become effortless. I am either aware or unaware and sometimes, albeit very briefly, purely sensuous. Whether aware or unaware, I feel all the emotions. But when I am aware, I observe myself moving past the emotions and into sensuousness. The process of moving past the emotions includes a great deal of talking through it just like before. And even after "regaining" awareness, I constantly "fall back" into being unaware again. And, usually, soon after "falling back" I "regain" awareness. And so it goes.

What this all means for myself is that the war is over. And the parties have no choice but to pick up the pieces. Just like in war, there is lingering as well deep persistent resentment. But the fighting has ceased.

I wouuld say I spend 9/10 of my waking life either aware or unaware yet happy. Of that time, I'd say about half ot it is awareness. Negative emotions tend to trigger awareness. And awareness triggers the self into proactively moving past those emotions. Thinking about actualism also triggers awareness.

Prior to this state, I had learned that letting go of an emotion is the same as felicity/wonder. With nothing to hold on to, there is nothing to do but be sensuous. When one is sensuous and life is bland that is simply a lingering emotion. When one is sensous and life is wonderful that is pure.

So one sees the emotion and identifies it either instantly or through a self-diagnosis, using all the tactics and strategies previously cultivated and continously being improved upon. And likewise, as soon as one sees that there is nothing worthwhile holding onto, one then moves on to felcity/wonder. And if one can't move on to felicity/wonder then there is more work to do. And one simultaneously takes pleasure in that work: It is effortless and it instills confidence.

For the purpose of full disclosure, I will add that sometimes I choose to either not become aware (awareness will kick in and I'll choose to ignore it and fall back into unawareness)or I'll intenionally hold onto an emotion. These emotions are always pleasant and are either sexual or analytical. I like to analyze and disect and I like to orgasm so those emotions which allow me to do either of those things are often encouraged.


August 29, 2011

11:37 PM

I have been focusing on the emotions and feeling all day. With the intent of accepting and allowing them to go if they want. It is keeping me in the present just as well as focusing on wonder/felicity did. This could be my full time job. There is no joie de vivre like that which was there while manifesting felicity. This is greater work and there is an aversion to it as well as a satisfaction at my own fortitude just like any task hence the full time job comment.

There is the bubbling of proto-emotions that sometimes manifest and sometimes don't. There are full-on emotions that are caught late and there is sometimes immediate acceptance and sometimes chastisement. There is chastisement at the chastisement and there is acceptance too, sometimes at the first chastisement and sometimes at the second. There are daydreams and awakenings and there is gratitude for the awakenings as well as chastisement at having been in a daydream and in both instances eventually or right away there is acceptance and release of both the gratitude and the chastisement. Especially fruitful are moments when I sigh, moments of pique boredom, pique restlessness and moments of lust.

There are questions. How do I cultivate wonder within this dichotomy? Is there even a place for that? Will this devolve into a mere tracking of psychic currents and feeling of being ? I've been there before, didn't find the process fun and don't think I learned anything. (BTW, when not under the influence of wonder/felicity, my feeling of being always seems to be scared.) I will say that as I'm practicing there is a difference between then and now: Then I was holding on and now I'm letting go. As a result, more of the sensate universe is coming in. How do I activate wonder while letting go?

12:53 PM

Here's the background (which can be skipped if I have any readers): This will be the 3rd consecutive day that I haven't done much. There is no compelling reason to work (and one compelling reason not to). For at the beginning of next month, I'll be in Napa, renting a room from an old lady who is a professional dog-sitter. In this way, I can work 50-80 hours a week while not abandoning my dog. I'll also be able to take a trip or two to Canada laying a foundation that will re-start my online poker business, which the federal government shut down and bankrupted on April 15, 2011. In this way, I can replenish my bankroll from last month's 20 day loosing streak, 4 months of sub-optimal play due to being above my bankroll at games I was unfamiliar with and, most critically, the federal governments effective seizure of over half my net worth. The one compelling reason to work is to get my brain right which I discovered wasn't working as well as necessary when I made the same fundamental poker error 3 times in 2 days. So I've been loading up on brain food and exercise. Though, to be fair, I only needed to take one day off to accomplish that.

Ok. So that's the back story. This morning, I have noticed a significant amount of depression. And it made re-realize how much pride effects our mood. When I am making progress in my career and/or social life, my mood is buoyed. I can't say that I'm always happy, because, before actualism I was never consistently happy. But when I am not making progress, my mood bottoms out. For the last 3 days, I haven't made any progress and today I felt a great deal of depression.

Actualism has taught me 3 ways to deal with depression and all sour moods, in general. 1) Be your own best friend, staying positive and thinking through everything. This puts every situation in perspective and gives you the support to make the smartest decisions moving forward. 2) Cultivate wonder. This takes your identity out of the equation and puts you squarely in the moment. 3) Per what I wrote last night, let it pass: observe it, accept it, relinquish it.

Today, I've been working on #3. It's isn't easy. It's counter-intuitive. Observing depression and then not chastising myself, not giving myself a pep talk, not formulating a plan and/ or not lamenting my situation is totally alien to me. I had to talk myself through it. I said. "Okay. There it is. That's the depression that has been jabbing me on and off all morning. Don't do anything. Just accept it. Ok good. It's accepted. Now what? Oh yea. Let it pass. How do I do that? By not wanting it to go away. Remember what others have said. By wanting a thing to go away, you are keeping it around. And SW says that AF is not working towards anything at all. And Adam and others have said that the thing you are trying not to think about when you are in a PCE is the always the thing that brings you out of it so don't fear leaving a PCE because it's the fear that takes you out of it. And I have noticed that effort has caused me a lot of stress and I thought last night that wanting to feel something prevents you from feeling it and wanting to end a feeling prevents you from ending it. So that's the depression...good...nice & good...

PRESTO!!! It was gone! Immediately I began seeing the walls and the bannister (I was on the stairs at the time) and everything else about the hallway. I forget exactly but it may have come back once again only to vanish quickly or it hasn't come back yet. I'm not sure. It was a couple of hours ago. I'll update this entry later tonight.





August 28, 2011

This thought has germinated and is becoming more and more common: Practice is the art of feeling - seeing - accepting - letting go with the confidence that the time gap between each of these phenomena will diminish thus hastening the reoccurence of all feeling. The difference between accepting and letting go is worth mentioning. To accept a feeling (or the behavior that it prompts) is to not will it away, lament it's existence or substitute it for some other feeling and/or behavior. It is to be at peace with it even if the feeling isn't peaceful. It is to not have a feeling about the feeling. To let go is to simply watch it leave without sorrow or any feeling of good riddance (malice), pride or shame. It leaves on it's own volition. It shrinks and vanishes because in the clarity of awareness it sees that it has no purpose, no raison d'etre and without that fuel, presto! It is no more. At least for the time being.

I felt unsatisfactoriness for the first time in a while today. Most suffering has been very specific but this was the dull dukkha of lore. It took me a while to recognize it.

It is an interesting situation to be in. One has to try to be happy without willing misery away or substituting happiness for it. One comes to understand how this works which is impossible to describe because it's an oxymoron. I suppose that's why so much preliminary work needed to be done. And, or course, I feel very close to the final dissolution but that is always the case after each revelation. One thing has been noticed; each revelation only has enough fuel for a few days or so. But something new always seems to pop up keeping the process moving forward. Or else, I'm just going in circles. Which I think I am except the circle is sprial. You start in a tight cluster fuck center and gradually loop your way out to greater and greater freedom.

The challenge now is to become aware of and accepting in the same instant. How is that different from mindfulness? I can't really speak to that. I'm not an enlightened buddhist master. But when i was practicing mindfulness, I was keeping the feeling around. I wasn't letting go. I didn't know that I could.

August 27, 2011

Despite what I wrote last night, I'm not free of the fear of suffering. Obviously if I was framed for murder, I'd be scared of jail. I know this. But I'm also afraid of social anxiety as well as narcissistic pity and anger. So I am still afraid of going to work sometimes because I don't want that narcissistic pity and anger. And sometimes I see an acquaintance and I freeze up due to fear...fear of feeling of awkward. Nonetheless, I have a greater confidence that I can recognize and release such fears quicker.

Today I took the day off for logistical reasons. (Yesterday, I made 2 basic fundamental mistakes, completely counter to poker theory. And I made the same mistake just two days ago. And if there is one thing I know in this world, it's poker theory. It's one thing to misapply poker theory -that happens, miscalculations and/or emotional rashness is inevitable; it's completely another to ignore it or be unaware of it and that's what I did. So I think the problem may be systemic. My solution is to take a short break and improve my diet and exercise some so that my brain works properly.) Well, late in the evening, with nothing to do and no reason to sit at home and just chill, I thought about driving 5 minutes to the local casino. And I felt fear. I recognized it as a fear of narcissistic pity and anger. The kind I suffer when I'm loosing. I was able to talk myself out of it. It made me realize that I still have a fear of suffering despite what I wrote yesterday.

What I meant to impart last night was that I am free of compounded suffering. The difference between compounded suffering and a fear of suffering can be illustrated thusly: Pretend that I have to give a speech and I've just come out of the rain and I'm completely disorganized and completely dishelved but to delay even for just 10 minutes means automatic financial ruin. I think to myself. "I don't want to do this. They're all going to laugh at me and I'm going to feel so small." That is fear of suffering. Compounded suffering is. "It sucks so bad that I care what they think. It'd be so much better if I didn't." So in my current progress, it would go down like this. Jolt of Fear: "They're all going to laugh at me." Sudden Awareness: "That doesn't have to bother me. I will stay present and sensual while they are laughing and I will remind myself as necessary that their opinions need not influence my mood in the least." I would still go on with great trepidation but I doubt that I'd ever feel ashamed for having that trepidation.

Actually now that I think about it, I would feel shame for having that trepidation. It's that shame which would lead to the cognitive readjustment. It wouldn't be shame so much as an unpleasant recognition that something is wrong and needed correcting. I guess the only difference between now and pre-actualism is that now I have the tools to deal with the fear of suffering (and obviously the suffering itself) which significantly mitigates the compounded suffering, in this case, Shame. That is very interesting to me. I will say this. I have actually felt joy when recognizing a fear of suffering. I can say that that's an improvement. And I probably felt pride for feeling joy. And pride is just the flip side of shame. Hmmm...(Yoda voice) much to observe, i have.

August 26, 2011

Things are good. I am better. I still do all the narcissistic stuff but every moment is a new beginning. At least every moment of awareness is. There are hours when I'm not able to put anything in perspective and these hours are usually miserable. But I think the fear of misery is gone. Whereas before, I might actually be afraid to begin a task or start a conversation, because, I expected to get totally caught up in my dark emotions. That narcissism is still present but I can release it as soon as my intent is strong enough, which it inevitably becomes sooner rather than later. And even if it is later, late is better than never.

So if I screw up a conversation with someone then it's okay. For a while I might beat myself up but my awareness will come back and I'll be able to drop it. Thus I'm not afraid of failing and then beating myself up endlessly. At work, I may screw up or run into some terrible luck and I will probably go into a dark funk for some time. But I'll pop out of it and I'll be able to release it so I'm not afraid of my dark emotions and I'm not afraid of situations that may bring them to the surface. Each moment of awakening is a new dawn and each moment of awakening seems to build momentum towards the next the moment of awakening so there is more and more sensuous attention and more and more positive friendliness and less and less self-berating.

August 25, 2011

This morning was the worst morning since two great improvements ago. It all stemmed from the dreams I was having. I have these reoccurring dreams where I am way behind in my schoolwork and probably won't graduate. In this particular dream, it was college and not only was I completely lost in the classroom but I was isolated socially as well. And so I woke up depressed this morning for the first time in weeks.

today, i'd like to get a haircut, go to work, walk the dog, brush him and that's all that needs to get done. oh i can go to the bank too.


August 24, 2011

6:15 PM

Morning was a breeze...spent afternoon in an extensive IM re: actualism and not one guru-esque type thought so maybe the identity is unravelling some...that IM did get me thinking about my progress...As I recall: My first step forward within actualism was learning that choosing happiness is possible. That didn't stick but it did teach me the power of choice. Then i began dismantling the SI and that went great. But all the emotions came back even after the beliefs were all but gone; I just was able to identify and dismiss them much much more quickly. Then i really experienced the power of felicity. But that didn't stick either. too much effort was required and those pesky emotions interfered with it. but it has taught me what felicity/wonder/naivete can do for you. Now I am back to and onto investigating the emotions, but unlike before, not to uproot a belief, more to get back to feeling well. I expect that after this becomes 2nd nature then I'll integrate what I learned about felicity.

August 23, 2011

5:20 AM

Very steady day...not much felicity, however, but I wasn't constantly switching from felicity to daydream to felicity to irritation to shame to felicity. It was just 99% good. If this talking myself through things continues to go well then I'll soon incorporate more felicity into the process.

It is funny that I thought i was already through with this stage. I'm not sure what happened but I guess it doesn't really matter. One can only start at this moment and go from there.



3:50 PM

morning was easy. walk was nice. find myself just letting go and sometimes the moment comes to me and sometimes I'm unaware of it and completely within myself. When the moment comes to me, I often have an uneasy feeling like 'I should be using this time for something'. I think this feeling is what Richard describes as "intuitively making sense of life" and is to be eventually dropped. But with every moment of sudden awakening (awaking from a daydream, for example) I develop the habit of thinking everything through. This has produced a very good leveling out. As a result, I'm not dwelling on the past (castigating myself for daydreaming) nor am i expecting or working for a desired future. Instead, I'm choosing the best course of action as I see it, taking the time to see it as well as my experience, education, intelligence and anaffective know-how allows. If I'm wrong after doing all that then I've learned something: I've become more experienced. If I later find that i was a bit emotional but didn't realize it then my anaffective know-how has just improved. No more desperately wanting to be AF... hoping the method works and that i'll eventually get there is fine but I think i was getting pretty desperate about it. Also, no more working for set material goals like I want to make 'x' amount of money today. Of course, If I observe myself doing either of those things then that is completely fine. It's part of life and that's is one of the things that makes human beings so unique. but I would from that point on approach life with a bit more reason and less desperate ambition.


August 6, 2011

continue to do be here at the sense-level though disappointment and social expectations still hold water, still remove me from the senses and to the imaginary. Examples...yesterday I suffered a bitter disappointment at the poker table. My mind continues to roll back there. There is nothing that I can do really to stop my mind from re-living it. The only thing I can do is to let it go and return to the senses each time. Also, I have been working graveyard but still harbor a desire to wake up at a "sensible" hour. So I also have to let go of negative thoughts about waking up at 2 PM. Also, today is a beautiful day in Oakland. I may yet go out and enjoy it. I may not. Either way, there is a "should" attached to this life right now. I should go out. So I let that go and return to the senses. And then there is always the "have to" return to the senses, "have to" let this or that go. I suppose I judge myself every time I find myself not here/not now. So these are the stressors on this day.

Well after having sat back and observed the senses as well myself observing the senses (which is basically me thinking 'look ma i'm being present'), I decide to take a hike with the dogger. There is a resentment that I have to drive there. I don't like driving. So I have to let this go also as well and also, the compounded "have to" part of letting it go needs to be let go.


*********

On our hike, I was struck with the difficulty of being sans agenda. Even if the agenda is to pay the rent (or especially), anything that gets in the way will cause irritation. How to avoid this?

On the way back, I ruminated on the difference between happiness and harmlessness. I researched the AFT and currently think that harmlessness is an absence of malice and sorrow. Whereas happiness is mood, harmlessness is action and intent. So at work today, I really tried not to be competitive. I only wanted to play well and be friendly. However, I discovered that I can still be resentful towards Lady Luck. And so I resolved to be especially kind to circumstance. I resolved to be friendly towards the universe; make it my friend.

On the walk itself, I was borderline EE in that bare attention was more predominant than philosophizing. However, there was an absence of joy. My bare attention had too much dullness to it. I tried to add felicity and that helped but I never was able to get to an EE.

I notice a resentment to effort. Resenting that need for effort is a major stumbling block.


**********

I think fatigue or lack of energy may be the only thing keeping me here. All my emotional energy into felicity!

Such imitative felicity/ innocuity, in conjunction with sensuosity, readily evokes amazement, marvel, and delight – a state of wide-eyed wonder best expressed by the word naiveté (the nearest a ‘self’ can come to innocence whilst being a ‘self’) – and which allows the overarching benignity and benevolence inherent to the infinitude, which this infinite and eternal and perpetual universe actually is, to operate more and more freely. This intrinsic benignity and benevolence, which has nothing to do with the imitative affective happiness and harmlessness, will do the rest.
All that was required was ‘my’ cheerful, and thus willing, concurrence.


Statements like these may have confused me. It implies that it is easy because the universe is so perfect that one glimpse is all you need.

The actualism method is not about undermining the passions ... on the contrary, it is about directing all of that affective energy into being the felicitous/ innocuous feelings (that is, ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being, which is ‘being’ itself) in order to effect a deliberate imitation of the actual, as evidenced in a PCE, so as to feel as happy and as harmless (as free of malice and sorrow) as is humanly possible whilst remaining a ‘self’.


I like this paragraph better. But I especially like first sentence of this paragraph and second to last sentence of the first paragraph.

The actualism method...is about directing all of that affective energy into being the felicitous/ innocuous feelings...in order to effect a deliberate imitation of the actual...which has nothing to do with the imitative affective happiness and harmlessness.



Combining the two indicates that happy and harmlessness is to be viewed as a byproduct of felicity. So put all your energy into felicity, it says.

Very interesting. I'm doing that right now and have been doing it for about the last 3 hours or so. For example, as I'm writing this text, I am trying my danmnest to enjoy the fuck out of everything that I perceive. And any emotion that doesn't have to do with enjoying the sweetness of each sensation is a waste. So the cursor blinks and I see it blink but rather than being proud that I noticed it and then blase about it's occurrence, I direct every ounce of energy into appreciating the living shit out it. And if any energy should be noticed going towards how this post will be received, I am re-directing back into the minutae.


August 7, 2011

Last night was the first time I saw my practice as converting wasted energy into felicitous energy. That worked. I also saw anything not in the here and now as wholly part of my imagination. And that helped. Last night, was the first time I actually heard my apartment. The computer makes about 3 different sounds with changing wave lengths, the air purifier makes one and the refrigerator makes a couple. It was eerie how different actuality is compared to my normal reality.

3:39 PM

imaginary world, passionate reactive world, sensate world. this part of my imaginary world is the only one I'm giving credence to. the rest of it is being directed at sensate reality. wanting to be this moment in all its glory...not just enjoy but be it.

it is about directing all of that affective energy into being the felicitous/ innocuous feelings


Ahh. after looking for the quote to justify my actions, I see that a slight twist is needed. rather than being this sensate moment, I need to be felicity itself.

12:51 AM

Took the day off and spent most of it here in the apartment. I am in the middle of cultivating felicity so that is is a vibrant energy and then directing that energy towards whatever sensation I notice. I have high hopes for this as it seems to be what Richard recommends and I've never approached the practice like this before and it is keeping me happy and harmless for the time being.

August 8, 2011 6:24 PM

still doing my best to sustain felicity throughout the body while being sensual. The largest remaining part of my identity is the Dho. There are other parts left but it is thinking about these post that take me away from the here & now more than any other part. I don't know which is greater, my dho identity or the instinctual passions. but i write these post only aware of the moment. The imaginary world isn't present currently. So every time I think about how I want to phrase an idea or which idea I want to post about is wasted because as I am writing this and as I have written the last 5-6 post, I am only here. I am not thinking about how this post will come across.

Sustaining felicity seems to be easier than dismantling the social identity and crossing which ever bridge I crossed before I came here (social identity was tackled, then i went on to something else but i don't know what that was, and now i'm here.) For with this sustained felilcity there is a confidence that this is the way. Probably because it feels so good. Also the other stuff doesn't feel as good and sometimes feels bad but almost always or quickly enough is seen as illusionary and therefore not compelling. The only reason why I was ever in to that stuff before is because I thought it was real. I thought my perception of myself and other peoples perception of me was real. I thought politics was real and sports drama was real. I mean. I guess politics is real in a way. It may not be the here and now but it is still happening. Nonetheless, it has lost its force. Maybe because I see that it causes suffering. Also because I see that it isn't that important (due to a variety of factors) and that our political conflicts are inevitable as long as people are gripped by the various delusions that is our lot as self-aware creatures.

I do believe that this is the right track because it is very much like the wide eyed wonder that R. describes. And it brings forth h&h and I can imagine myself (yes imagine) melting into the senses as Trent described his dissolution. bye.

August 9, 2011 8:39 AM

The intensity of the felicity I've been trying to cultivate has weakened. I am no longer trying to 'be' felicity and as a result my mood has slipped some. The good news is that the little sensate phenomena affects me more positively than it did 2-3 days ago before I started this. The greatest obstacle to living in this moment is that urge to do something. It usually propels me to watch TV (assuming I've nothing planned).

11:08 AM

habitually think about my next post but not focusing on what I want or had planned to post and instead just focusing on the tactile sensation of fingers and keyboard, the movement of cursor and formation of letters, the fabrication of words and ideas inside my head, etc helps me stay in the moment when I'm away from the computer. the moment is more and more being seen as real and myself is more and more being seen as a daydream. And so actual daydreams are now seen as daydreams of a daydream and thus loose potency quite quickly. Before they may have been seen as a realistic portrayal of my universe, an essential part of me which even after SE was seen as important. Everyday phenomena is more impressive even when not proactively cultivating felicity..felicity is coming without trying but it is still better, i think, to cultivate it and extend it outwards but failing to do that isn't a deal breaker.

1:48 PM

Last entry before trekking to Napa valley to sit in on their juicy $1/2/3 table max no-limit game. should be a lot of fun..looking forward to being felicitous in the midst of battle. the dog walk was utterly sublime during the times when I was totally felicitous and moderately pleasant when I wasn't. going in and out of felicity, transferring my energy into appreciation of the external or keeping it within, letting the mind wander or centering it on being felicity itself...all of this is creating a positive effect. Now a true test. Will I stay h&h while my money and financial security is on the line or will i become a egotistical monstrosity within a wicked la la land; like a caged animal at the zoo or like the easy going neighbor?

10:35 PM

Man did i ever hit a wall today. Gradually I lost steam and finally realized that I didn't have enough energy to continue being felicitous and present. At that point, I went home. My mood at the tables today was almost exclusively positive, however. I did go on a bad run there while playing the Omaha/8 game. I was just a tiny bit whiny and maybe a tad grumpy but I never lost my sense of humor. This was late in the evening after I think I had already used up my energies for the day. It's fortunate that for every minute of being felicitous, you get x amount of minutes of non-felicitous happiness. On the ride home, I turned on the radio and let my mind indulge in a ridiculous fantasy. And now, I will watch a movie and pass out. Tomorrows a new day!

August 10, 2011

12:02 PM

This morning was half and half. I had no energy to foster felicity but had enough felicity in reserve to tilt my perspective favorably and quickly reign in any downward spiral-like thinking. I'm beginning to think of fostering naivete in terms of metta meditation but there is also a resistance towards that. I'm trying to find the pages Adam suggested but can't so far.

4:23 AM

I don't remember ever having this wide-eyed (which for me is more like wide mouth (walking around like an idiot with my mouth open gawking at street lamps or whatnot)) wonder as a child. If I did, I can't imagine why I'd ever choose to abandon it.

August 11, 2011

12:28 PM

Today was the best morning ever (feeling wise). There was zero resentment and a fair amount of joie de vivre. I can still stand improvement in the latter because despite being h&h with a healthy dose of felicity, I went back to bed. I felt fatigue and recognized, as is usually the case, that I have no appointments or schedule to keep so I satisfied my fatigue and laid back down. This has been my standard practice for decades as long as no appointments were keeping me. I usually stay there until I am fully rested, which for me is 10 hours of sleep total. And today my first sleep lasted 7.5 hours and on my second sleep shift, I laid there and joyfully listened to the many sounds of urban life and got back up about 15 minutes later. While laying there, I also contemplated (experientially) the fatigue coursing through my body. Rightly or wrongly, I decided that I would experimented with that fatigue being nothing more than energy that could be redirected at will. And, of course, I would redirect it towards felicity.

On my first dog walk this morning, which was a short one just to get him relieved while my coffee was brewing, I contemplated this journal. I don't like doing that because it takes me away from the present. I have countered this tendency by not thinking about what I want to write about while I'm actually here writing and instead staying aware only of the writing act itself. But today, I am breaking that rule. Oh well.

As I begin to really enjoy this moment, I am still very often distracted from it. Sometimes, I can easily see that the object of my distraction is an illusion, like a dream. Other times that is not so clear. Fortunately, at this point, the object of my distraction, be it illusion or reality, is always less pleasant than living this moment with full awareness. That is a blessing! I can't say what brought about this blessing. I know that a few days ago, I decided to generate felicity within the body and direct outwards. And I still do this but only from time to time and usually only when I really need to. The other times, I am still doing what I have always done since I began this practice, let the moment come to me. For whatever reason, the moment is coming to me with greater frequency and greater vivacity than ever before. It must have something to do with that self-generated felicity even if I don't generate it like I did on that first day. Nonetheless, and this is the thing that I thought about on the walk which I am willing to break my rule in order to remember to put on the page, I still fear going back into psychosis. Hmm, nothing much to add to that except that I lived that psychosis for 30 years and for the first time (well i always knew that some parts of me were partly delusional (and after SE I didn't think "I" was delusional but I saw that "I" was empty,inconstant and unhealthy which is different from seeing the full delusion of yourself)) I see the full delusion of myself. I also am aware that I return to the delusion quite often and some of those times, the delusion is quite compelling. Hence, I fear that one of those times I will stay within said delusion. Putting that fear on the page, I think, may have been helpful. I vow to self-generate greater felicity so as to prevent that from happening!

6:47 PM

So far another good day but I did engage in a pretty long, 20 minutes or so, fantasy regarding NBA players and free agent signings and trade scenarios; it's an interest I have. It's one thing to think about something that interests you and an entirely different thing to have a role playing fantasy of what I would do if I were in this or that spot. I also engaged in some petty self-interested thinking that lacked a sense of humor. It revolved around the poker table and I had a very good run at a game that is above my bankroll: I don't normally play it but circumstances conspired to find me at that game. I ran well, finished my meal and quit. (I'll go to my main casino in a little bit). While running well and after quitting, I just thought about the money I won and how lucky I was. It was totally self-interested and no felicity was involved. I also thought a fair amount about AF but I don't remember what I thought about. I know I wanted to write about it but I didn't make myself remember it for obvious reasons. I'm trying to remember as I write this entry. But I can't seem to. I can guarantee that I will remember sometime tonight when it won't do me any good. Oh yes.....concentric circles. I liken progress to a concentric circle where you are in the middle and gradually wind your out and around the center until you are flung out of the circle altogether which would represent AF. And I like this analogy or image because much of your progress seems like 'i've been here before. i've already had this insight. i'm really not getting anywhere.' But the truth is, you may have had the insight before but other factors probably prevented you from executing it as correctly or as purposefully or with as much pure intent as you can now. And so on one axis, you are in the same place, but on the other axis you are farther away. Or you are on the same plane but farther away from the tightly wound center. googled image

There was another thing that I was able to remember. I no longer fear that my lack of concentration is any sort of hindrance. Previously, I had to force myself out of this or that delusion and into the moment and once in the moment, I had to hold on to it the best I possibly could lest I fall right back into the delusion. Now I no longer try to hold onto the moment and can enjoy for longer periods of time before a delusion or psychosis or whatever grips me again. But when I'm in the moment, it is so sweet that it is clear that there's no reason to try to hold onto it. The moment is good enough. Which begs the question, why do I continue to fall back into self. I can't say, or speculate. I might hear something that reminds me of something and go off thinking about it without being aware. But why am I not aware? I don't know. Maybe I'm just not that skilled yet at living in the moment. Or maybe "I" don't trust the moment. I don't know.

4:22 AM

Got tired at work and stopped being able to generate felicity. as soon as i realized it, I left. the ride home was a bit better. walking the dog was even more so. then vegged out in front of the TV which was fun. then surfed some and finally realized it was bedtime. but i had a nagging feeling of discontent like a child who doesn't want to be told to go to bed...i wanted more stimulation but realized there was none to be had. so i thought, i'll observe this energy and transfer it to felicity. and after a few moments of delight, thought 'i want to tell the dho about this' and so here i am. What if I could transfer all my anxiety, doubt, fear, shame, hostility, pride, etc into felicity? What if this could be done and I could learn how to do it?

August 12, 2011

1:05 PM

This morning wasn't as good as yesterday. I'm writing right after getting up but not waking up. I want to write first thing because mornings has always been filled with so many negative emotions over the years. I awoke from a dream without any gaity but there wasn't any resentment either. I immediately remembered my purpose, my intent, but was unable to generate any felicity. I wasted some time in bed living a fantasy and examining fatigue as well as the emotions of the fantasy and tried to turn into felicity but couldn't. Nonetheless, I was able to stop fatigue and shame from growing, I was able to see it and feel it goenka style, and I tried to turn into felicity but couldn't. I did, somehow, neutralize it and from there was able to follow common sense and get up. It is already afternoon and best case scenario is to leave for work at 3 PM. If I walk the dog to the burrito shop then the burrito will make me tired and late. I'll walk him to whole foods and get two slices of thin pizza and have a pot of coffee waiting for when I get back.

2:32 PM

feeling fatigue and a reluctance to go to work. want to sleep. pause. train in the distance. so wonderful that train...one of my favorite things...another trian usually follows it going in the opposite direction. life is fun. feel fatigue now mixing with felicity. huh. unable to do anything with this fatigue. oh well.

4:15 PM

unable to shift the fatigue into felicity, I took a nap. It didn't work. My naps seem to have about a 50% success rate. I never really quantified that before. fwiw, game plan is now work at 8 PM. my dream was an AF seeker falling in love and consumating (with a kiss) the new relationship on top of a tower over-looking at an oil rig and together devising a plan of activism against this oil company. I've been having a lot of AF related dreams lately. Most have been straight forward with little or very easy to decipher symbolism. This was more convoluted.

Fatigue has always been a problem. Ever since I was a school kid, I always felt tired. And I've always felt shame about that. I don't know if it's physical or psychological but I'm going to treat it like it's a psychological passion, if that makes sense. I want to be able to transfer it into felicity but I'm having trouble. I'll try that dichotomy out for a few days. When I failed to do it today, I was sitting in my computer chair. Next time, I'll go up on my roof or elsewhere outside. Another thing to note, when I was overwhelmed with fatigue today, I had to shower and drive 40 minutes to work while choosing to ignore my dogs desire/need to exercise. That may be relevant, idk.

After waking up, I thought how much better my life is now without so many conflicting ideals which produced so many confusing emotions. The other day, I thought to myself that people who adopt a very particular social ideal (materialists, hipsters, jocks, activists, etc) suffer so much less than I did. I had all those ideals bouncing up and around me all the time. I wanted to be everything to myself and to others. But I didn't know it. And so I didn't know what and when to sublimate one ideal over another. With jocks, I felt too dorky. With hipsters, I felt too mainstream. With activists, I felt like I didn't do enough. On top of that, I was utterly afraid of failure so I often resorted to shyness and isolation. But then I would break out of my shyness with a massive surge of willpower but without a coherent game plan since I didn't know what I was trying to be.
It's a lot easier now. Cultivate felicity. When I full of wonder and awe, I'm happy. I have no identity other than the occasional 'ah so this is genuine happiness.'

6:26 PM

finished walk with dog. went to berkeley marina/eastshore park where he can be off leash.
dream was a presentation of the idea of settling. the main character in it fell in love despite seeking AF and settled for love and activism.
fatigue seems to come when I "have to" do something. i have often thought of it as an adolescent way of avoiding stress but even sans stress it seems to wash over me. It came again on the ride home: I was planning the drive to Napa (which is unstressful) and bam it hit. Perhaps it's not even adolescent but childish and it's a way of asserting independence. Or maybe there is stress within that drive...i used to be an environmentalism and as a result, am uncomfortable with unnecessary energy use, also - i drive a prius and sometimes that brings about shame because it's kind of a dorky car (see above entry about never having settled on a clear cut identity) So perhaps thinking about the drive brought forward these weird issues i have and my subconscious just decided to make the body tired thus giving the conscious mind an excuse to choose to stay home and avoid these issues.
insight on walk was the unreliability of all memory and prognostication: there is only now. there may have been a past but it's not certain; there may be a future but it's not certain. that insight led to a dull unfelicitous sensuality. had to muster felicity / with only partial success.
This journal takes up a lot of my emotional energy. I plan these entries and organize my thoughts accordingly.
It was fortunate for my dog that I was overwhelmed with fatigue earlier. Now he got some exercise and I only missed a free dinner. (complimentary dinner is served at 8 PM but due to traffic I have to leave either before 3 PM or after 8 PM) I didn't examine my options earlier, only decided that financially it was best to leave at 3. Perhaps if I had examined my options systematically then the fatigue would never have came as confidence and logic would have made my head more clear....Only a hypothesis....So this fatigue may be a childish way of asserting independence and/or a way of forcing my hand when I have conflicting yet un-spelled out priorities and/or a way to avoid stress.

3:45 AM

felicity-wise...bad day. Happiness-wise...good day. (mood was high despite not taking time to appreciate the little things) Was even tested in a big way and still stayed positive with a sense of humor. But my felicity levels have been dropping since the 7th. I even experienced sorrow for about 30 minutes today. It wasn't situational so I had to think about why I was feeling this. I finally attributed it to the phenomenon of rising expectations and after that it went away.

4:46 AM

I will say that my attentiveness level is rising. As I attempt to convert psychic energy into felicity, naturally I am forced to be more aware of that psychic energy. And so I am more aware of the feelings I have which generally prompt certain actions, excess web surfing, for example, generally comes from a particular nervous feeling that is of a tingly nature situated mostly in the chest. fwiw, felicity, for me, feels warmer and more all over but mostly situated in the face.

August 13, 2011

2:50 PM

The very first in the morning, I had some minor dissatisfaction. The dream I awoke from was dumb and the room I awoke too was dull. I remember feeling slightly annoyed at both of those things. I then re-shut my eyes and returned to my dumb dream only to re-awake to my dull room producing the same slight annoyance. I did that once again but the 3rd time I was woken by my dog licking himself and that produced a higher pitch of dissatisfaction. But I immediately remembered felicity and was able to turn it on just enough to give myself an energy boost. I may have laid in bed for another 5-10 minutes spotting perfection before getting up and making the coffee and walking the dog. Both of which were very pleasant activities. I am also pleasantly relieved that the big hand I lost last night is still not painful. So the trajectory seems to be either continuing upward or staying flat in good place. I am a bit sick today and I have a cold sore inside my mouth. Neither of which has produced any suffering as of yet.

5:26 PM

just got back from hanging out with my apartment manager. super smart dude. was talking about emotions and how the #1 difficulty and the #1 skill is managing your emotions. straight from a text book but learned by his mom who kept him off the streets of chicago (and he might credit the coast guard too). then we moved on to religion and politics and it was great. But right now I am really high so I have to make some decisions regarding tonight's game plan. And so I don't forget I get to call my brothers house tomorrow. i'll say 'get' instead of 'got'; no reason do anything but look forward to it. I'm also pleased that I am about to sit down deliberately and go over every detail of my situation right now and come up with the most practical response. And that response will be good.

5:47 PM

I sat down on carpet indian style and let my mind go. Eventually, it realized that this was going to be a long process and the best thing is to walk your dog and mull over it on the walk. good idea.

9:07 PM

It was a long walk...lots of good ideas and fun encounters. fortunately my moleskin and a pen was in the car and spent the whole walk writing, planning, admiring. decided to come back here, eat dinner, and elaborate on the many things i wrote about it in the moleskin. that may take up the entire night but if not, i'll re-asses then.

12:17 AM

I've finished typing up my observations. Here they are.


On my walk today I got a feeling that I was betraying my humanity. Because I am seeking an eradication of the human madness doesn’t mean I’m seeking to be less human. Why is lust or fear essential to my humanity? The only value they give is a way to mix-it-up with other humans. But I can mix it up without them. I don’t need lust to talk to a beautiful woman or fear to establish a support network.

What other value do they give then as a way to mix-it-up with other humans? They may allow me to empathize with other humans. Well, understanding is just as possible without empathy. It’s the understanding that is worthwhile. Empathy as a tool serves no purpose other than to facilitate understanding. But understanding doesn’t need empathy to be enacted. Even without sharing emotions, I’ll always have my memory of how those emotions played a central role in my decisions and I’ll always have ample examples from which to observe exactly how emotions play a role in peoples decisions.

So I don’t think I am betraying humanity in any way.

***********************************************************************************

I was walking Buds on an dusty unpaved road that separates an inlet of San Francisco Bay known to many recreational fishermen from a beautiful bird sanctuary and habitat restoration project. This road leads to a paved jogging track across the street from a well landscaped hotel used by boaters throughout California. The hotel is nestled in-between the bird sanctuary, the Berkeley marina and Cesar Chavez Regional Park used by kite flyers, joggers and dog walkers as well as hotel guests. I was on my way to this park when I encountered two beautiful women in their late 30’s or early 40’s walking about 8 dogs together. They were both blonde and one of them was even wearing a high cut t-shirt that showed off an impressively fit mid-section considering the woman’s age (which isn’t at all a sexist comment - everyone (who’s not involved with Hollywood) gets fatter as they get older). I remarked how fun it must be to walk so many dogs.

One of them said. “You can get some extra.”
I thought she meant that I could become a dog walker. “I can get in on it?”
She said. “You can get some more dogs.”
I asked. “These are all your dogs?”
The other woman said. “5 of them belong to us and the others are just with us for the day.”
I said. “Cool. Have a good one.” I waved and strode off in the opposite direction.
They said. “Enjoy your walk.”

I proceeded to reflect how pleasant that exchange was and imagined them talking about it to other people with me as the main character and hero. It then struck me that I have always wanted to be a savior of mankind. It may be the only thing I have ever consistently wanted / the only validation I would ever settle for. And now that I finally know something worth anything, I see how ridiculous such a desire and point of view clearly is.

*********************************************************************************

In my pre-actualism days, a simple project like this one, would be daydreamed about ad-nauseam. I’d have started with a simple idea, developed a clear cut goal usually with a financial motive and given myself a game plan for enacting it. How ugly! I would then grow disgusted with myself for quitting at some point. Even funnier!

*********************************************************************************


My dog’s only two weaknesses are squirrels and food. If he sees a squirrel, all bets are off. If he smells a BBQ, I have to be super diligent that he doesn’t bolt right to it. Going around a hill, now in the designated off-leash area of the park, I allow my dog great leeway and forfeit sight of him as he is several yards behind me smelling and peeing on the bushes. I hear a rustle from behind me, turn around and see my dog at top speed bolting towards some picnickers on top of the hill. I run through the thicket just to make sure I don’t loose him completely as well as for the fun of it, get to the pathway towards the picnic table and continue my sprint. Once on top of the hill near the picnickers, I see that he isn’t there. He was running straight towards them. I ask. “Did you see a yellow lab bolt through here?”
“No. We haven’t. Sorry.”
I put my hands on my knees to suck some air and say out loud. “He must have veered off.” Hands still on knees, I look towards the main BBQ area and say. “He must be over there.” I then re-start my sprint.
One of the guys says, “What kind?”
I slow down. “A yellow lab. He has a collar.”
“Will do”. He says. I flash the A-OK sign and speed up.

He’s sniffing around the grills. I leash him up and walk towards the main meeting grounds of the off-leash area. Once there I see a young cyclist and his pug or American bull dog. Either breed is remarkably lazy, which is great as a dog owner. He is putting his dog into a little doggy car connected to the back of his bike. I ask. “Going great distances?”
“No, but for this guy…“ And he points to his dog. Then adds. “I live around 40th and San Pablo.”
I think. “What is that? About 60 blocks?”
“It’s about 4 miles.”
I think about how I walk my dog around Lake Merritt quite often and that’s 3.5 miles circumference and about a mile walk from my apartment. “That’s not far.” I say.
He said. “I like to do my walking while I’m here.”
I said. “Absolutely, absolutely.” And I turn away and open up my moleskin.

Soon thereafter, my dog greets another dog walker. The dog walker greets my dog with the familiar. “Hello there. You have a blue tongue.”
Now, I have never ever considered this subject to be conversation fodder. I don’t know why. I guess I just lacked the confidence to let this be the conversation starter it was destined to be. But in this instance, I said. “Yep. He has the most solid blue tongue of a non-pure chow I’ve ever seen. A lot of mixed chows have spotted tounges…”
He says. “And it stands out….his yellow fur.”
I say. “Yep.” And I mumble some affectations. “yellow fur, makes it stand out, yep,” as I put my head down and rub my forehead. I can think of no other reason why I cast my gaze down and rubbed my forehead other than to visually cue that I was done with this conversation.

With my head down, I hear his gait stop from the sudden kick up of sand and the abrupt cessation of shoe sliding against ground. Evidently, he had a noisy gait. I think that he said, “Cute.” And without even raising my eyes, I motion him away by flicking my wrist, palm down like a Southern Lady might dismiss the help. My wrist moved up then my fingers moved together following the wrist and continuing upwards even after the wrist stopped it’s trajectory. When my fingers reached the zenith of their range of motion, they fell back down and wrist remaining still, repeated the motion again. So it was like my hand was doing the worm.

After that encounter, I preceded to write about all the previous encounters from the picnickers to the cyclists to the dog walker. I wrote it all down, because, I was so free and easy throughout all of them. There were so few hindrances blocking a natural care-free dialogue and interaction. Yet interestingly, the last two could have been quite rude of me. The cyclists could have thought I was judging his decision to ride here rather than walk. And the dog walker may have felt rudely dismissed. Yet, I felt very little or next to nothing during these encounters.

************************************************************************************

I have either been running away from people or chasing them off my whole life. It’s odd how you can go through life with a particular behavioral pattern and not even know it.

***********************************************************************************

CONJECTURE:

Buddha lived a perfect life of VF. He was a master Jhannist, had supreme mindfulness, and held a position that validated his role in the universe. That role allowed him to be guest of honor at many a banquet and always have a comfortable place to lay his head at night. He was also a beggar and that too validated him, being the Axial-age revolutionary from Northern India that he was. Never needing to eradicate feeling, he never did. Never knowing that it was necessary for imperturbable bliss, he never preached that as a goal.


***********************************************************************************

I expend so much emotional energy worried about what strangers think of me; usually for reasons so trivial that I can’t even remember them for this blog. “Does she think this odd?” “Does he think I’m doing this or that.” “Do they think that what I just did was stupid?”


August 14, 2011

11:48 AM

Today's morning involved me waking up from a dream about a friends wedding and my ride there was a person who betrayed me in college. It was an ethnic wedding so I didn't know what to expect and once there I found that the only person I knew (the bride) wasn't even there. I woke up from this dream still quite tired, re-closed my eyes and kept dreaming it. I did that about 4x. I finally woke up and realized that I was 'me' and began trying to muster some felicity.

7:17 PM

Caught a bug on Friday and I guess today it finally overcame my immune system. Poop. I haven't tried to generate any extra felicity. Just been laying around with body pains and lots of fatigue. Wouldn't go to the casino even if I hopped myself up on flush & cold meds. Most disrespectful thing you can do is go to a germ facilitating place like a casino while sick. Good news is I absolutely feel nothing negative. My mood today has been shifting between a hairline above neutral and significantly below ecstatic.

11:58 PM

Pretty boring day though I haven't felt bored....mundane would be a better word. Grateful for all these sight/sounds that take me away from myself. Equally grateful for this philosophy of actualism which in a few words i guess is, everything is already perfect.

2:49 AM

I just experienced a burst of emotional excitement. It was a propellant, a psychological propellant. Experiencing that, it's easy to see how the self can feed of itself. So many sources of potential energy. A well designed self can literally move mountains. Within a perfectly arranged self, hypothetically speaking, there could be an endless source of energy from which to tap into. Unfortunately, the ego can sap that energy in many ways. And generally speaking, highly accomplished people have big egos. This ego can act as a kind of buffer, like a individual tower of babel, to keep one from being too god-like. Kind of ironic...the ego which is the thing that makes you want to be like god is the same thing that prevents you from ever reaching those heights. I suppose it's possible to have a very small ego and a well designed self. I'm not sure what the point would be though.

3:07 AM

Throughout the day, I have experienced brief spurts of shame. Undoubtedly, this has to do with the fact that I have been completely nonproductive today. Intellectually, and for the most part, emotionally, this doesn't bother me in the least. But there must still be one tiny part of me that feels beholden to status - moral, financial, social or otherwise. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I need to learn how to convert these useless emotional bursts of energy into felicity. I suspect that I'm getting better at it even if I can't verify it. Maybe I'll try to quantify it in some way.

August 15, 2011

1:13 PM

The morning was completely painless but there wasn't any joie de vivre.

7:33 PM

A person accomplishes something. In his downtime, he reflects on said accomplishment and feels pride. He re-directs the pride into focus on the next accomplishment. Over several decades that person becomes an absolute monster of accomplishment and ego.
A person fails at something. In his downtime, he reflects on said failure and feels shame. He re-directs that shame into pity, shyness, fear of failure, etc. Over several decades that person becomes a monstrosity of low self-worth, desperation, fear and projection/deflection.
It's all about re-directing energy back into some goal. My goal is greater felicity. Over several decades, (preferably sooner) I may become a monstrosity of the present moment! It's all about taking away attention and emotional energy away from this figment of imagination we call ourselves and into actual reality.

7:51 PM

During this day, I decided to stay here in Northern California and make the move to Vancouver gradually rather than all at once. It's better to lay a foundation in Vancouver before I move my whole life up there. But with plane tickets and dog care, I thought it might be impossible. But today, I found a reasonably priced dog watcher with the potential to rent a room out of her house. I meet her tomorrow. But just thinking about her rates allowed me to consider a worse case scenario and I think I can even swing that.

1:16 AM

3 hour nap and wide awake. I am one nocturnal dude! It's hard to poke me out of bed in the morning but after just 3 hours and in the middle of the night, I cannot fall back to sleep. For all my psychological inefficiencies, I have to say this biological nocturnal-ism may be the greatest reason why I've under-achieved these so many years.

3:04 AM

It's about realigning your thought process with an induced captivation of the present moment. Every bit of emotional energy spent worrying about either the past, the future, or theories of cause and effect is a waste. Emotional energy spent in captivation of this present moment is not only liberating but more true to reality. Take the London riots: I just was a sent a youtube thing on it. I can spend moments reading about them, studying them, worrying about them, theorizing about why they took place and how to avoid them in the future and why some people can understand and others can't, etc. Or I can be engrossed in what my senses are telling me. You may ask. But what good does being engrossed in your present moment when other people are suffering. I can only say that they are suffering because they are spending the vast majority of their time dwelling on the past, worried about the future and theorizing about cause and effect. You may ask. What if you are suffering in the midst of famine? How will the present moment save you then? Won't theorizing about cause and effect lead you to a practical way out if possible? Perhaps but actualism makes room for that with it's insistence that the brain can and will theorize, plan, create all on it's own. I don't know. I haven't experienced apperception yet.

Strange. I'm getting tired now. I knew that I would. I don't know why I couldn't just sleep through the night and wake up at dawn. If I did that, i could play some light $6/12 games until it was time to take buds to Napa and meet that woman and her room. As it is, I guess I'll just have to play at night in Hayward or Livermore both of which I've been wanting to check out.

August 16, 2011

8:24 AM

May have converted fatigue energy into felicity energy for the first time this morning.

11:46 AM

Walking the dog to and from laundry and during the cycles, I was heavy with irritation. My dog was annoying and I had read a few news articles yesterday and they were on my conscious. I continuously tried to convert it all into felicity but either wasn't able to 1) catch the feeling before I just automatically switched to either that child-like wonder or a dull non felicitous sensuousness, depending on the moment or 2) the irritable feeling was sticky and nonconvertible. I then experimented with keeping the irritable feeling while being sensuous. This produced some desirable results. That feeling made the present moment less sublime and more edgy/subversive/risque. It was a pleasant feeling and I was able to maintain sensuousness while within it.

August 17,2011

11:20 AM

I was caught in the brain loop pretty much all day yesterday. This morning, my dreams were all about me waking up early and resetting the alarm so when I did wake up, I thought it was much later than it was. It was mildly irritating...no felicity this morning. I forgot to cultivate it.

12:13 PM

Yesterday, I met with a potential new landlord and that got me thinking about my future which is at a crossroads so that is probably the main reason for the unstoppable loop. I'm staying in NorCal for the time being....found a good spot to play poker while taking trips to Vancouver to establish roots while being able to care for my dog.

6:56 PM

-In the last two days, I had to "suffer" through gridlock and being lost and late. These are good tests. The power of felicity stood up to both of them. I also got my teeth cleaned and that was a pleasure. It didn't make me giddy: I wouldn't do it on a Friday night but paying a professional $120 to rid my mouth of tartar is fun and smart. Plus, I like my dentist and enjoy going into the city. A few days ago I "suffered" through an on-again-off-again inflammation and what used to require special techniques to alleviate the pain didn't require anything. The pain was just a sensation and nothing more. I barely even cared that it was there. That was gratifying.
-It's easy to take felicity for granted when everything is hunky-dory. When things get hairy, gridlock for example, it's easy to pay attention and cultivate fondness for this moment. But I must not shrug it off in favor of pleasant daydreams and practical (or somewhat practical) planning just because my mood is already high.
-I've always felt shame for this petite girlish figure I have. And my lack of masculine skills. My shame wants me to start working out some. Upon analyzing it, I don't see any contradiction with actualism and this gross narcissism as long as the doer (me) is present - felicious, attentive, sensuous. It may even be helpful as long as the resultant pride is transferred to felicity. I think pride is easier to transfer to felicity than is shame. But it's dangerous too. Pride can substitute for felicity and failure can produce that difficult to overcome shame. So felicity must remain priority 1 at all times.


10:34 PM

It's official. I'm staying in NorCal for, at least, the month of September. I made a good enough impression with the landlord so that she chose me to stay in her home over other applicants. I was laid back, polite and friendly during the whole process. I've certainly had many a moment pre-actualism in which I was the same but I like to think that that disposition is becoming standard. I remember just last year, I was looking at a place and I was extremely reserved with the other tenants. They ended up choosing someone else.
Now at the casino, tonight, I had yet another disposition, which I'll label my lowest non-stressed disposition. In this mood, I am reserved but not stand-offish. I am quiet yet salutational to those I know. And I'm polite with a hint of kind levity to any strangers who wish to speak to me. Immediately after combat, I am either polite or silent, win or lose. Compare this with pre-actualism where my baseline was stand-offish and I could easily degenerate into grumpy and even hostile.
Tomorrow, I get to go into the city again. This time to take care of a legal matter: An ex-landlord still hasn't paid back my deposit.
Right now, I'm going to practice meditation metta style but with felicity as my focus!

12:38 AM

Sat for an hour in a chair with back straight...same daydreams and stuff as in everyday life but with less distractions. There was a stiffness in the back which I tried to enjoy and got maybe half way there. I figured that the stiffness was the muscles being overworked. Even if a straight back is the most efficient use of muscles, they still don't get to relax ever because there is no shifting of posture that will allow one set of muscles to take a break even if it means another group has to work extra hard. I had not thought of it like that before. There was also, towards the end, a desire to check the clock and a desire to be done with the exercise. I felicisized out of both those states as they came or tried to be felicitous towards the states themselves which is an interesting, nuanced and comprehensive point of view.

August 18, 2011

7:30 AM

Another morning of neither resentment nor felicity. I suppose that's good considering I only got 3 hours when I'm used to 10 and was awoken by an alarm when I'm used to waking up naturally.

5:01 PM

While in the city, I for the first time saw human beings as fellow people with such a wide variety of shapes and colors. I saw cars as being so many and so varied. Wasn't very sustainable though...mind kept racing.

After long nap, woke up with most strident feeling of disappointment in weeks. It was after a dream that highlighted my body image issues and reminded me of my unhappy adolescence and the fact that if was the middle of the afternoon and I was still tired. My first response was to run from it by closing my eyes and falling asleep. I may have done two more time. Eventually, thought to switch up my felicity in order for it go away. Am now focused more on the wonder aspect of being alive and less on the awesomeness aspect.

while in this wonder-filled felicity, I am attracted to space and motion. In the awesomenss-filled felicity, I am more attracted to sounds and touch. I am also slowing down my movements, repeating them on occasion.

2:34 PM

A lot of discouragement. I put forth more effort today than I have in over a week and I couldn't get past a painless 'okay this is fine' feeling. Then discouragement built upon itself. It alleviated some once I was able to identify but it came back. On the nighttime dog walk, bolts of irritation ran through me. As my attention is becoming stronger and stronger, I can identify and release any such bolts of passion almost instantaneously. And as my felicity gets stronger, I can even laugh at them. Nonetheless, today was a day where good wasn't enough. The feeling of relief at not being sad and bitter is gone and now I want more than just this nice soothing pleasantness.

August 19, 2011

1:46 PM

The morning was a mix of delight, enthusiasm, resentment and discouragement with about a 7-3 ratio in the positive. The morning walk was delight or inner dialogue describing the delight.

12:46 AM

Spent a fair amount of time in vipassana mindfulness trying to catch the ebb and flow of feeling. And also spent a lot of time simply looking for things to be delighted about.

August 20, 2011

12:15 PM

The morning experienced some shame but it was very quickly dismissed. The shame comes from not getting up right away. Every time I re-close my eyes, I feel shame for not jumping out of bed and tearing through the day like some hyper-productive super citizen.

Today I want to try to get back to that sense of humor, I experienced on the 7-9th or so. I'l going to go back to the technique used back then which was to cultivate felicity as a body feeling and spread it outwards. What's the word for skimming a text? Is it skimming? Skimmed my entries and I see that when I was doing that I always hit a wall at sometime in the day in which I just couldn't continue concentrating on sustaining that felicity. So I'll have to expect that to happen today.

4:00 AM

at the poker table, saw myself totally hawkish about winning...stressed about replenishing my bankroll and improving my winrate...unable to have fun...asked myself: is this how I want to be? Have I been just sublimating that part of me while cultivating felicity. Spent the whole session just trying to relax. forgot about cultivating felicity and just went back to basics....still swimming around trying to figure how to get to the next level.

August 21, 2011

3:20 PM

Shame and 'what to do'. Every time I think someone else may be judging me harshly, I feel shame. No matter how quickly it's dismissed, how thoroughly it's minimized - it's still there like a healing wound that itches. After that there is always the need to plan my day. I don't like that feeling either. The same values that I'm projecting when I feel shame, I'm using to plan my day.

4:19 PM

When I'm alone, it may be a good idea to get in the habit of sitting down and thinking things through. Anything that is on my mind just to think it through completely rather than be a ping ball constantly trying to ameliorate one emotion, be mindful of another and cultivate a third.

4:41 AM

I'm definitely back down on Earth. I've had two prolonged EE's, I would say - one in early July and the other for a few days around August 7-10. I'm glad I got to taste what paradise is like. Within those prolonged EE's, I experienced what I think was an out from control VF and one 10 minute PCE. But right now, I am just trying to balance the various methods. So I am trying to be my best friend, be sensual, be attentive, think things through and relax. Much of the difficulty stems from 'trying to' while being relaxed. Most of the other difficulty comes from that value system I bought into for so many years which tells me to feel pride, feel shame, be nervous, etc. With the former, being my own best friend is my main tool. With the latter, thinking things through will be my main tool.

August 22, 2011

2:03 PM

The morning was almost completely painless. I had just one super brief jolt of shame and that was it. I remembered to think things through which meant to plan my day from a completely anaffective state. And If I experienced an emotion regarding a task or what not, I calmly dismissed that emotion. I have high hopes for this new approach (which is nothing more than a reorganization of all my old approaches).

4:45 PM

After deconstructing the social identity, i stopped thinking through my emotions. And I instead I quickly dismissed them as remnants of a former belief. That is incorrect. For example, two conflicting desires are present. rather than choosing one over the other with a clear head, i rashly choose one which burgeons resentment or guilt for not being able to do the other. Those emotions could have been avoided had I educated myself on the situation - the resentment and/or guilt comes from not knowing if I made the right decision or not. I can dismiss the emotion as silly but cause of the emotion isn't a belief - it's the subconscious uncertainty of not being sure if I am acting stupidly or not. When I know that I am acting in full accord of all the facts then there is no reason to feel guilty or resentful: what must be done, must be done and even i am mature enough to know that you can't have your cake and eat it too...only when i don't know which choice is best do i get upset about having to choose. and i only don't know when i don't think it through and instead let my emotions decide for me.

Or i run away from the two choices and choose a third option like veg out on junk food, drugs, TV, etc. while vegging out, i am attentive and sensual with a decent degree of felicity. but i subconsciously know that i took the easy way out. that burgeons an emotion. i dismiss the emotion quickly, simply thinking that it's okay to take the easy way out, all outs are equal, there is no good and bad, etc. But the emotion isn't the result of a belief, it's the result of knowing the consequences of stupid decisions. Without investigating each emotion, it is easy for me to dismiss it prematurely.


February 8, 2011

Abstract:

Learning about AF has created a lot of unwanted confusion.

Very recently, I developed a renewed interest in practicing HAIETMOBA.

I currently classify all emotions into one of four categories: fear, nurture, desire, felicity. The first three are one and the same. As one is exercised they are all strengthened, as one atrophies so they all do. Felicity stands apart because it doesn't engender anything else but itself (or hopefully a PCE and apperceptiveness).

Felicity has a chemical component, serotonin or dopamine or some other brain chemical.

Notes on the text:

When being technical I use the term 'nurture' but when speaking more colloquially I use 'love'. For me it makes sense to put 'love' as a sub-category of 'nurture' but the word 'nurture' is cumbersome so in everyday speech I use the word 'love.'

Similarly, I have moved 'hostility' as one of the four primal emotions and instead make it a sub-category of 'fear'.

Body:

AF is the monkey wrench. Since Trent turned me onto it in my first thread on this forum (1/15/2011), I have not been able to reconcile HAIETMOBA, meditation and work, (I've just gotten out of a relationship and am still new to this city so friendships/relationships haven't been effected). Before learning about AF, I was quite enthusiastic with my progress along the Dharma path. I was meditating daily, practicing mindfulness hourly and had obtained a diligence in work I've long admired in others but was never able to emulate. Now I no longer meditate and have lost some of that diligence. I am, however, just as mindful if not more so. Also, I used to have a guilty feeling regarding my work. I am a professional poker player and I thought the predatory nature of this work was counter-productive to the spiritual life. I no longer suffer from such guilt which I am grateful for. However, I now suffer from uncertainty. Some days I feel the hours I put into my job will pay off and other days I feel that the only moment that is important is this one and so I blow work off.

Yesterday, I began classifying all daydreams and emotions into one of two categories, love or fear. Today, I figured that lust needs it's own category. I find it helps and is probably similar to noting. For example, I went out this morning to give my dog his morning walk. It has been very warm here in Northern California so I stepped out with just a T-shirt. Today it's rather windy so a long sleeve shirt would have been more appropriate. But rather than suffer through it, I just recited the mantra 'no fear.' I chose not to fear the sensation of cold. And throughout the entire walk I wasn't cold, I was feeling the sensation of cold. And that sensation was interesting and not unpleasant. Of course, had it been significantly colder (even if not dangerously so) fear probably would have resurfaced. More reason to keep practicing.

8 weeks ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was my only friend in this city and it was a sad event. But I've begun to put myself out there, back on the market. In doing so, I have developed a list of things to own (possessions and accomplishments) that may make me more attractive to the opposite sex. I have used this list as motivation to put in the hours at work. And it has kept my nose to the grindstone. But today I read this webpage. The term joie de vivre inspired me to take this moment more seriously. I decided not to work today. Sitting in front of a computer may not be excruciating like it was before I began Buddhist meditation but it still pales in comparison to taking a walk, eating a donut, starting this thread, etc.

After reading that thread, I took a walk to run an errand. For the last week, I had been practicing observing life without fear and without love. On that walk, I instead practiced delighting in the senses around me. And when my mind lost itself in ruminations about the primal emotions and felicity, I turned felicity onto to that phenomenon of the mind loosing itself, regaining itself and thinking about itself. I noticed that one can turn felicity on like a switch. One can feel the switch just as clearly as an actual light switch. There is definitely a chemical that is released when it is turned on.

I also decided to classify felicity as a non-primal emotion similar in texture to love and texturally very different from compassion (both of which are sub-categories of nurture). Because it isn't primal, there is no danger of felicity engendering fear. With love (nurture) and desire, I feel that fear is the natural and inevitable by-product. And I think that this is why Richard dismisses Spirituality. When one cultivates love, one is unwittingly cultivating fear as well. For example, When one exercises his love for child by making him do his homework one is also exercising a fear that his child will be a bum if he doesn't learn to do his homework. But when one cultivates felicity, fear is not utilized and, hopefully, eventually, atrophies.

I have also concluded/observed that my own goals (both the more immediate like work quota and the more long term like more money in the bank) are born of desire and so also engender fear: I fear a life where my desires aren't met. By exercising my desires, I am strengthening the fear faculty. It is proven that the brain is extremely elastic and Richard persuasively argues that fear, hostility, desire and nurture are genetic so this strengthening and atrophying dichotomy makes a lot of sense to me.

Future observations to be made:

Felicity turned on desire. I will attempt to practice felicity while exercising my desires. I wonder if this will weaken the desire faculty or if it is always strengthend when exercised with or without felicity turned on.