I am in the middle of cross road

John Kenedy, modified 5 Years ago at 12/17/18 6:49 AM
Created 5 Years ago at 12/17/18 6:49 AM

I am in the middle of cross road

Posts: 15 Join Date: 12/17/18 Recent Posts
Sometimes I do meditate but it seems I cant get away from mundane life.

I have been living in Singapore for 10 years accumulating wealth, but it is never enough. I want to buy house with my pay but it is nearly impossible because I spent a lot and I realise the teaching of my teacher that everything comes from inside.

Such as the happiness when I was meditating, it feels so fulfiled but have to end it due to legs starting to cramp.

I look forward to home at work, and always imagine myself sleeping on the comfortable bed with air con and no mosquitoes. It thanks to the Singapore government that the area is urbanised that all people is happy and also sad at the same time.

I am a rat and joining the rat race to be winner fighting as an employee, but no matter how sad or angry I am with my boss at work I always think that he did those because he needs money to sustain his family, maybe he never felt enough yet, but its sad for him.

I am yearning to meet my spiritual teacher once again but he seemed to reject me after my mistakes. I was banished.
It seems nothing in my life motivates me anymore, not a pretty/handsome person, it seems that I have used up all my energy in pursuing my life. I look at the other road ahead, there is a signage that I should try to become a temporary monk.

I wanted to try to cultivate further because I am not sure why, since I was a kid I love spiritual stuff, and I can explain Anicca, Anatta and Dukha and feels them without being taught by a teacher. Maybe I have affinity towards spiritual life, but I cant endure mosquitto, and separate from friend whom I can chit chat with. I wanted him to be happy because I took care of him for past few years, I dont want him to return to his previous self which his parent rarely caring for him.

And I am unsure the life of a monk, it means I have to give up shopping in mall and acting like a rich people after I earned SGD and exchange to Indonesian Rupiah, I am an Indonesian btw living in Singapore and hold a permanent residence. And if I stray away from the country too long, I might lose my PR status.

But spiritual life is calling for me, and I hope I can let go.
Can anyone pointed out what is the life of a monk? And what is the attainment feels like? I realise the attainment to enlightenment and felt it once before when I gave up myself, but the return of it is a calling for me to help all the sentient beings and not living in a monastery. Hope I am wrong.