[This post is long, and I feel a little afraid to post it, but hey... you don't have to read it if you don't want to. And if this post brings my foolish to light, well better now than never.]

I spent the last few days on meditation retreat at home with the intention to do rigorous noting practice morning to night with an aim toward actual freedom. This is a report of some of what I experienced in my practice over the last few days, and some of the apparent obstacles and questions I have on the path to actual freedom. I realize that I am certainly going against the advice, given by some, to not “mix techniques,” and that this kind of mixing may have negative side effects, or lead to confusion and/or delusion. But, above all, my guiding principle is sincerity, and I sincerely endeavor to make sense of this human situation that I find myself in and to make best use of this life that is here now, while it lasts. The following comments reflect my current understanding – which is admittedly incomplete... so any advice, comments, or feedback of any kind is most welcome and requested. Thanks.

NOTING PRACTICE:

With regards to the noting practice specifically, I read some posts from tarin recently regarding noting practice, and specifically the phrase “keep going with this single-minded no-brains-required noting task.” After reading that, I decided to try dumbing-down my noting practice a bit – to really suck all the brains out of it, so to speak. Doing this, I had a new perspective on noting practice and was able to make it more mechanical and less personal – which is what I gather it is meant to be. More specifically, I had an initial experience that single-minded no-brains noting (when repeated over and over and over) eventually led to some experience or another being noticed objectively and dispassionately (whereas it would have previously been noticed very subjectively, passionately, personally, and with a sense of self embedded in it – or not noticed at all). This result was equivalent to noticing the three characteristics in that given experience on those given occasions.

My noting practice moves incredibly slow, as I find the actual skill of creating verbal notes in my mind to be one which probably must be developed like a muscle. I would say that I was able to note at a rate of about 1-2 notes per second for about 60% of the day on day 1. That number fell to about 30% of the day on day 2, and about 40% of the day on day 3. The rate never went much slower than 1-2 per second, unless I got restless, tense, or stressed in which case I would lose focus so much that I would slow down as much as to 1 per 10 minutes or so. But, luckily my actualism practice has really cut back the amount of time I spend being restless, tense or stressed. And, that enabled me to enjoy the process enough to be able to maintain this more rapid noting pace (1-2 per second). Any attempt to go faster than 2 per second usually resulted in a blur where I would again lose focus and my noting would have no correlation to what was actually being experienced.

This was for what I might call my “formal” or “conscious” noting practice. Now, also in the “background” so to speak, I was often noticing at a rate of perhaps 10-20 per second. And what I mean by that is that, given my training in meditation thus far and training in mindfulness, there are moments where my mind automatically becomes mindful of experience at a very rapid pace. But, I could hardly say that “I was noting.” It seems more accurate to say that experience arises and I notice it with some clarity and precision at a rate of about 10-20 notices per second. Perhaps I could call this “noticing” practice. And, it's similar to the “hitting with awareness” technique mentioned here in other threads. Goenka (who was my main Vipassana teacher) was clear that one should never make a verbal note, so this is more of a background, and automatic awareness practice that's a blend of Goenka and a lot of the other awareness stuff I've done in the past.

Overall, it still seems to me that the most effective vipassana practice that I've done so far isn't noting or body-scanning, but more along the lines of what Christopher Titmuss taught when I was on retreat with him, and that was to take a genuine interest in what's happening right now. I say this, because I try to really inquire what is working here and what isn't? What is the actual vipassana technique? How can I actually get Vipassana to work – and not have it just be some lifeless task?

And, for me it comes back to sincerity again. Vipassana seems to be a certain blend of awareness and involvement which leads to the moment in which experience is just seen for what it is – completely, and clearly. And, it seems that getting that blend just right is a matter of sincerity more than a matter of technique. I could be wrong, I suppose, but I just can't seem to figure it out any other way. To put this into context, I'd say rather than I was noting 60% of the day on day 1, it'd be more accurate that perhaps I had a sincere alignment with Vipassana for 60% of the day on day 1.

Overall, my experience is that the noting technique is useful, perhaps even more so than body-scanning, but the biggest barrier to success doesn't seem to lie in which technique is used, but the barrier to success is in actually doing the technique. That is still the greatest mystery for me... how to actually do the doing of the technique? I find it incredibly frustrating. And, right now, it seems that I just seem to go through some kind of natural cycle where all of a sudden, things align and boom... I'm actually doing the technique... and then all of a sudden boom... it's gone and I'm just trying to do the technique. And, then I try and try and try and nothing works and then all of a sudden boom... I'm doing it.... and then boom... I'm not doing it. What I would love is to be able to just turn it on, let it go and do the thing until it's done. But, I haven't yet discovered how to do that. Maybe I'm way off here – any comments?

Although my goal is to attain to the end of the path (the end of this human condition within this individual). I also have a secondary goal to master the technique such that there is no limit to my ability to progress and all I have to do is keep going until I hit the end. If I use a bike ride as a simile, it's like I spend so much time falling off the bike, learning to ride the bike, figuring out what the bike is, then falling off again. I'd like to just be able to ride the bike so I can get to the end. But, maybe that's not a useful way of looking at these things? Comments? Maybe mastery of the technique is equivalent to reaching the goal, and maybe the technique itself is to figure out the technique itself?

Another thing to mention... I didn't notice any of the characteristics of any of the insight stages, or any progress through them in any way. For the most part, my experience was pretty constant throughout with a few sorta energetic phenomena which felt somewhat druggy or altered in nature. They didn't last long. I didn't have any of the the solidity of pre-A&P , none of the manic bliss of A&P, very little of the suffering and no distortion common to the Dark Night. Perhaps this is consistent with the theory that I'm still in equanimity nyana. Although, it also seemed that the entire affective quality of my experience had diminished (due to actualism practice). So, none of the affective qualities of experience stood out as pronounced as in the past. My experience was more akin to the stillness and directness described as the result of actualism practice. That's not to say that I was in a PCE either, as I still don't know what a PCE is. I'm just saying it was less affective, and therefore, the nyanas (if present?) were much less pronounced. This could also be because I had no interest in progressing through the nyanas nor making any specific attempt to discern them. Or it could, perhaps be because the nyanas don't have any actual existence?

ACTUALIST INSIGHT:

With regards to how insight practice in general has/hasn't been useful in my actualism practice, I'm still not totally sure. It seems that the goal being eventual self-immolation, or eradication of the identity in it's entirety.... then any practice which brings the movement of the self under scrutiny seems to be a useful practice - to become more aware and more intimate with the very operation of “me” and all the mischief I get up to. Along with that, the goal is to dispel illusion so as to gain (or regain) sensibility and salubrity.

So, it seems that insight practice (noting or otherwise) has helped me to reveal (and dispel) illusions, and to gain awareness of this self in action. Not being caught in the illusions of the self, leads to that freedom which is at the goal, a freedom in which the self no longer operates in this human body (or does it lead to that goal?). To some extent, I can see the difference (180 degrees opposite) between a freedom from the demands of the self while the self still operates (enlightenment) and the complete ending of the operation of the self (AF). To some extent also, in practice I can see the difference between noticing the operation of the self as not-self (insight), and the practice of going to the very root and asking why did “I” arise in the first place?

I guess it's still unclear to me what place insight practice has in the goal of actualizing freedom from the human condition.

ACTUALIST CONCENTRATION:

As a side note, I can see how the act of concentration (focusing on a given task) is crucial for success in any of these endeavors. Without being able to stay with the task at hand, I doubt success would be possible. My practice over the last few days shows me once again that concentration can lead to an incredible quality of mind. The mind becomes cleaner, quieter, more penetrating, more peaceful, happier, blissful even, and more capable of intelligence and discernment with whatever task is presented.

Also, a concentrated mind seems to have the ability to produce some pretty altered states of consciousness, and the associated delusions with those states of consciousness. Perhaps another way to put it seems concentration can bring a much greater sense of realism to the imagination. An ordinary imagination becomes a vivid 3-D full body fantasy with some strong concentration. And, an ordinary passion becomes a vivid mind-blowing ecstatic passion with strong concentration. So, concentration seems to have more of an intensifying effect which may or may not be helpful depending on how it is used.

The ordinary every day concentration born of sincere interest and genuine intent seems sufficient for actualism practice so far, as well as for insight practice. While I can see that alignment of strong concentration with skillful sincere insight practice leads to deeper and more penetrating insight, it also seems that aiming strong concentration at the enthusiastic enjoyment of this moment of being alive can provide easy access to the stillness and wonder of this moment.

RANDOM RETREAT NOTES:

Just some notes from my retreat... The first day was perhaps the easiest to maintain the noting practice. I kept at it for a good portion of the day with some occasional wandering mind into random thoughts.

The second day, I woke up very tired and groggy and my mind was wandering for a good portion of the morning. I decided to watch a dharma talk around noon and watched a video of Adyashanti which happened to be about having an orientation toward life of asking “what is true?” Perhaps I should've picked a more Theravadan dharma talk to go with the noting practice, but like I said above... I am a self-admitted technique mixer. Although clearly he has some experience which I don't have, I couldn't make sense of what Adyashanti was saying in relation to noting, or to actualism, or to freedom from the human condition. Strangely, just a few months ago, I think his talk would've been right up my alley. So, this didn't help my practice, and probably threw me further off track with noting. So, I decided to read up what Richard has to say about “truth.” Wow. It was insightful, and pretty much made Adya's talk look like a silly childlike fairy tale. At this point, my mind became inclined toward thoughts of actualism, and lots of thinking in general, so I had some difficulty getting back to noting practice.

By day 3, I was back at noting practice with a second wind. My mind was much more restless, however, and I was spending so much time thinking, planning, rehearsing, discussing with myself, reporting, etc... that I considered making that my primary object instead of my breath. But, after a few minutes of trying to do that, I saw that it was a silly attempt and I decided to return to the breath as the primary object (mostly at the nostrils, but occasionally I would switch to the abdomen if I noticed a specific strain around the nostrils.)

Both the night of Day 2 and Day 3, I had some very emotionally intense dreams, which came as some surprise as I haven't had as many of these lately since practicing actualism. Two of the dreams were romantic/sexual in nature and one was an adrenalin filled high speed chase. I didn't make much of them other than some evidence that the meditation retreat was having some kind of effect on my psyche.

OTHER THOUGHTS, QUESTIONS, ETC.

I realized that I have a ton of questions about actualism and actual freedom which I would love to know the answer to and perhaps this forum will help shed some light on them at some point. I won't try to list them all out here, as this post is already monstrously long.

I also have a new enthusiasm to return to HAEITMOBA with some gusto and see if I can't make it work. Still that question really challenges me, as I still don't seem to get what it is supposed to mean. In general, when I try to use HAEITMOBA, it is similar to noting practice in that I can get it to work at most just a portion of my day, and often it takes up to a half an hour just to ask it once.

Desperation – I still often feel a desperation that I really really really want and need some way out of this mess I'm in. I think the insight approach would be to note “desperation, desperation...” the actualist approach might be to question why I'm wasting my only moment of being alive on being desperate. But, neither of these seems to address the real crux of the desperation for me, as it comes back again and again, and it seems like that crux won't go away until this thing is done completely.

Confusion – Actualism practice has certainly helped with confusion, simply by the awareness that confusion is an affective state. The statement “I feel confused” is what gave me a clue here. So, instead of feeling confused, I feel happy and harmless and then take a look at the facts. Still, I must say that not everything is making sense though. And, that's different from confusion, but it still leaves me wanting something.

What to do with my time? This question remains unanswered, as I previously set my life up specifically so that I could do a three-day meditation retreat each week until I became enlightened. I had no other plans, other than to live a simple life, contribute to society through my job, and just plain enjoy being here. And my plan was basically that if 3 days per week wasn't doing the trick, I'd move into a monastery or something. Then, actualism came into the picture, and I still don't know what to do with all this retreat-time that I have set aside. I would love to spend it all practicing actualism, and I guess I'm still just finding out what that means exactly.

Facts are an utter delight, wouldn't ya say? Wow.

Thanks for anyone who takes the time to read and respond to any and or all of this post. I would sincerely like to bring an end to this mess called the human condition.

- Daniel J.

Hey Daniel - Good to see ya here. Thanks for the detailed report.



I stopped practicing insight shortly after starting actualism, so I can't verify how beneficial extended simultaneous practice of both methods may or may not be. However, my insight practice cultivated patience, attentiveness, and sincerity - all of which have been essential to progress with actualism.



How does the intensifying make it seem more realistic? Just curious. With stronger focus on your emotions and fantasies, it seems like they would become an exaggeration compared to what's actually present. You want to work through your emotions and fantasies to see where they are coming from, not get absorbed into their sensateness. Probably a residual habit from insight. Sensate attentiveness in actualism is applicable to the enjoyment of sight, sound, taste, smell, the way sensations feel on the skin & body, stuff like that. With regards to emotion, the concentration skills are useful for attentively keeping your mind on track while tracing them back to their source and investigating matters of identity.



Yep, you've got the idea here.



Feel free to ask if it will be helpful to you.



See this passage from Richard, which Tarin pointed out to me when I was having some trouble. This is what happens right when you ask yourself HAIETMOBA:

"When one first becomes aware of something, there is a fleeting instant of the clean perception of sensum just before one recognises the percept (the mental product or result of perception) and also before one identifies with all the feeling memories associated with its qualia (the qualities pertaining to the properties of the form) and this ‘raw sense-datum’ stage of sensational perception is a direct experience of the actual. Clear perception is in that instant where one converges one’s eyes or ears or nose or tongue or skin on the thing. It is that moment just before one focuses one’s feeling-memory on the object. It is the split-second just as one affectively subjectifies it ... which is just prior to clamping down on it viscerally and segregating it from the rest of pure, conscious existence. Pure perception takes place sensitively just before one starts feeling the percept – and thus thinking about it affectively – which takes place just before one’s feeling-fed mind says: ‘It’s a man’ or: ‘It’s a woman’ or: ‘It’s a steak-burger’ or: ‘It’s a tofu-burger’ ... with all that is implied in this identification and the ramifications that stem from that. This fluid, soft-focused moment of bare awareness, which is not learned, has never been learned, and never will be learned, could be called an aesthetically sensual regardfulness or a consummate sensorial discernibleness or an exquisitely sensuous heedfulness ... in a word: apperceptiveness.
In that brief scintillating instant of bare awareness, that twinkling sensorium-moment of consciousness being conscious of being consciousness, one apperceives a thing as a nothing-in-particular that is being naught but what-it-is coming from nowhen and going nowhere at all. Apperceptiveness is very much like what one sees with one’s peripheral vision as opposed to the intent focus of normal or central vision. One experiences a smoothly flowing moment of clear experiencing where one is interlocked with the rest of actuality, not separate from it. This moment of soft, ungathered sensuosity – apperceptiveness – contains a vast understanding, an utter cognisance, that is lost as soon as one adjusts one’s mind to accommodate the feeling-tone ... and subverts the crystal-clear objectivity into an ontological ‘being’ ... a connotative ‘thing-in-itself’. In the process of ordinary perception, the apperceptiveness step is so fleeting as to be usually unobservable. One has developed the habit of squandering one’s attention on all the remaining steps: feeling the percept, emotionally recognising the qualia, zealously adopting the perception and getting involved in a long string of representative feeling-notions about it. When the original moment of apperceptiveness is rapidly passed over it is the purpose of ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?’ to accustom one to prolong that moment of apperceptiveness – a sensuous awareness bereft of feeling content – so that uninterrupted apperception can eventuate."
http://actualfreedom.com.au/richard/articles/attentivenesssensuousnessapperceptiveness.htm

In other words, the cool thing is that prolonging the moment of apperceptiveness that occurs when you ask HAIETMOBA can = PCE. Also, once you start finding that you're feeling good most of the time, you only need to ask it when you stop feeling good (not on a constant stream throughout the day). Keep with the sincerity here, as you want to make sure you are genuinely feeling good and not averting things.



What part of your identity initiates this desperation - what fear, belief, desire, whatever is it? Why is it a "mess"? Tracing it back to its source and being open to see through it, for what it really is or isn't, is what will bring about its elimination.



Wanting an answer, maybe? What's the question you want an answer to?



Sounds like a sweet set up to freely enjoy. Play in nature, listen to music, hang out doing nothing in particular, whatever you find carefree fun in.

Hope this helps,
Steph

Hi Daniel,

I mixed meditation with actualism practice for years, and while I can't say it did much bad, it didn't lead to an actual freedom either. Neither has just practicing actualism yet either though. I've always thought gaining some concentration or "attentional training" from meditation prior to actualism practice would be of some benefit(how much I'm unsure). Clearly, some here got some form/level of enlightenment and made quick work of getting actually free. It stands to reason that getting rid of the ego(or seeing through it or whatnot) means there will both be more clarity and less to become free of in the continuing process of the ending of being. Whether that is a "better" or quicker route than just going into actualism as soon as possible is hard to say and it may simply depend on the individual. That being said, a consistent theme among all the actually free people(so far) is that at some point they exclusively practiced actualism(attentiveness and sensuousness leading to apperceptiveness). I did get a sense in my practice when practicing both meditation and actualism that each method was using the brain in a different way(and hence affecting the brain in a different way). The question is does that create positive results like "cross-training" or is it impeding progress as common wisdom claims mixing of techniques is not optimal. My impression was it was more the later, but that could have been from the kind of meditation I practiced and it was pretty subtle regardless. Good luck. I enjoyed your post.

Thank you both for your responses. I'm still mulling over what you both have written, so no response right now. But, I do appreciate it.

Today, I'm enjoying noticing the emotional life wave on yet a more subtle level and smiling lightly at it's quite apparent silliness.

Hello Daniel,

I can really relate to what you're saying and your way of questioning, glad you posted. For me, it isn't exactly about "mixing" techniques, but more like being totally unable to separate them! Although at the intellectual level I can understand the differences between two practices, in actual experience I simply can't understand how it's possible do vipassana and not affect actualism progress, or practice actualism without triggering the yanas and cycles to move. Awareness is awareness, observing is observing, letting go is letting go, there's only one present moment we can work with, and when there is sincerity as you point out, the self issues/problems/conditions get resolved in whatever ways they naturally can. I also suspect that actualism progress and the diminishing of affective stuff makes the stages and cycles subtler and subtler, which on one hand is good because it makes vipassana and daily life a much smoother ride, but on the other hand it could make it very very difficult to pinpoint where you're at or what progress you've made with the paths. I don't know exactly what the link is between the two (diminishing affect and cycles/jhanic changes becoming subtler and harder to notice); all I know is that I experience both.

Looking forward to reading more about your practice and progress!

Jill

Hi Daniel,

If organizing a retreat at home consider taking time out in nature. Allow time to visit a park or creek in quiet seclusion away from other people where "I" feel safe and delight at the natural surroundings.

Also I highly recommend as part of your investigation to regularly revisit the actual freedom website and reread some of the correspondence with Richard and Co. As your practice unfolds so will new understanding and this will provide fresh impetus to continue



RICHARD: Apperceptive awareness can be evoked by paying exclusive attention to being alive now. This moment is your only moment of being alive ... one is never alive at any other time than now. And, wherever you are, one is always here ... even if you start walking over to there, along the way to there you are always here ... and when you arrive ‘there’, it too is here. Thus attention becomes a fascination with the fact that one is always here ... and that it is already now. Fascination leads to reflective contemplation. As one is already here, and it is always now ... then one has arrived before one starts. The potent combination of attention, fascination, reflection and contemplation produces apperception, which happens when the mind becomes aware of itself. Apperception is an awareness of consciousness. It is not ‘I’ being aware of ‘me’ being conscious; it is the mind’s awareness of itself. Apperception – a way of seeing that is arrived at by reflective and fascinating contemplative thought – is when ‘I’ cease thinking and thinking takes place of its own accord. Such a mind, being free of the thinker and the feeler – ‘I’ as ego and soul – is capable of immense clarity and purity.

All this is born only out of pure intent. Pure intent is derived from the PCE experienced during a peak experience, which all humans have had at some stage in their life. A peak experience is when ‘I’ spontaneously cease to ‘be’, temporarily, and this moment is. Everything is seen to be perfect as-it-is. Diligent mindfulness paid to the peak experience gives rise to pure intent. With pure intent running as a ‘golden thread’ through one’s life, reflective contemplation rapidly becomes more and more fascinating. When one is totally fascinated, reflective contemplation becomes pure awareness ... and then apperception happens of itself. With apperception operating more or less continuously in ‘my’ day-to-day life, ‘I’ find it harder and harder to maintain credibility. ‘I’ am increasingly seen as the usurper, an alien entity inhabiting this body and taking on an identity of its own. Mercilessly exposed in the bright light of awareness – apperception casts no shadows – ‘I’ can no longer find ‘my’ position tenable. ‘I’ can only live in obscuration, where ‘I’ lurk about, creating all sorts of mischief. ‘My’ time is speedily coming to an end, ‘I’ can barely maintain ‘myself’ any longer.

cheers
Jeff

Thanks Jeff,
You've mentioned nature to me before. I didn't respond before, but actually nature's not much of an issue for me. This is my backyard, and I live alone:



I sorta take nature as a given. But, thanks again for the thoughts and encouragement.

It's funny that as I go back and re-read Richard's writing again and again, it's like a completely different response I have everytime. Perhaps this is evidence that I'm making progress. Generally, my experience each time I re-read his stuff is one of being less affectively engaged in his writing, and instead it's percieved with more clarity and simplicity.

Best,

Daniel

Hey Broccoli,

Thanks for your comments. It's somewhat nice to know that I'm not the only one engaged in this inquiry. It's funny that in someways, the distinctions between the two practices is so subtle. And, in some ways, the distinction is so obvious and profound that I can't believe I never saw it before!

It's continuing to progress in new and unexpected ways, and I continue to be impressed by just how effective the actualism practice is.

I think I go back to the insight practice when I start to get nervous or afraid that my actualism practice isn't working, or is just me fooling myself, or whatever. It's so simple and easy, and subtle that sometimes I doubt whether it's actually a practice at all. But, then I have other instances where the progress I've made becomes quite obvious in my experience.

Well, I'll give more updates soon.

best,

Daniel