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Equanimity and Apathy

Equanimity and Apathy
4/27/19 12:37 PM
Hello everyone,

for a while now I've been in a state where everything is just okay, on some days I'm even very optimistic and have a deep peacefulness within me. It's nothing spectacular like what one would expect from stuff around A&P, and I've already (more than once) had this whole seeking-for-meaning experience, meaning I've looked and read and practiced and was still not satisfied until I noticed that the very seeking is what stopped me from being here now, in the moment.
This leads me to believe I might be in equanimity, although my formal meditation practice isn't really good. But I'm pretty skillful when it comes to off-the-cushion awareness and introspection. (maybe I'm totally wrong with being in equanimity but for what I'm describing below, it's actually not that important where I am).
However, I'm not really interested in doing much stuff. I'm not depressed, I have a full-time job and am even trying to build my own business and am pretty disciplined with that. Still, when it comes to "passion" projects or just regular activities, they don't really appeal to me - I could take it or leave it.
Of course I know where this is going, this lingering feeling of "there must be something more" will just start another round of "seeking", at the end of which I'll notice that the very seeking is what stops me from being here, now.
But on the other hand, I still feel stuck - and I know that this feeling of being stuck / "problemness" is probably worth inquiry.
I've come across this text from shargrol which somehow seems to describe my situation:
Eventually the natural investigation and creativity of our mind wants a little more movement than the somewhat static nature of “no problemness”. Our attention will feel loose and will seem to drift off into daydreams. It can feel like our mind is falling back into “problemness” (low equanimity) when actually we are rising out of “no problemness” and into “elusiveness” (high equanimity and eventually path moments).
The above text is from the link, and I can relate to that - my attention too is rather loose, I can't concentrate properly and I'm often daydreaming.
I also feel like this whole "I'm not interested in doing much stuff" is just another lesson on unsatisfactoriness that I'm not seeing.

I guess my question is if there is anything specific to do here, or if I just have to let it play out? Just investigate the feelings?
Any other thoughts?

RE: Equanimity and Apathy
4/28/19 5:11 AM as a reply to Christian.
Hi Christian,

What do you mean when you say "my formal meditation practice isn't really good"? If you tell more about that, you might be able to get some more helpful answers. Mapping while off retreat is always super tricky, but especially so without a very solid formal practice.



RE: Equanimity and Apathy
4/28/19 1:08 PM as a reply to Andromeda.
Hi Andromeda,

yeah I know, but as I said, I don't know if that's even important for what I'm describing. What I meant with "my formal practice isn't good" is that I'm not meditating regularly. I'm meditating 15-30 Minutes on some days, and during those times I think I'm doing okay (the technique/concentration itself is ok). I'm using "The Mind Illuminated" and am somewhere between Stage 4 and 6, maybe that helps?

I know that The Mind Illuminated mostly is samatha based and vipassana techniques are only described from Stages 7 onward I think.

RE: Equanimity and Apathy
4/28/19 2:26 PM as a reply to Christian.
Ah, ok. Well, usually with the equanimity nana it is pretty easy to sit for long periods of time, so that doesn't really sound like it to me. But like I said, off retreat and without much of a formal practice going on it can be really tough to tell even for people with heaps of experience, so it's anybody's guess. Not sure that it's much good to speculate. 

Now I'm all for off-cushion practice, but without a solid formal sitting practice it's unlikely to get one very far. And even the most advanced practitioners I know still sit daily. Spiritual practice is a lifestyle choice, really. What's getting in the way of your daily practice? Also, if you are interested in the stages of insight you might find Mahasi noting more useful. Have you read MCTB2? Tons of great info in there.

RE: Equanimity and Apathy
4/29/19 1:46 AM as a reply to Christian.
did you have a clear A&P?  If so, how was your meditation directly after that?  Is it the same as what you are describing here?

Dissolution could be another way of interpreting what you wrote above in which case more directed effort at sitting or walking practice might be the way forward.