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Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 7/31/19 6:30 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 7/31/19 6:35 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 7/31/19 6:33 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 7/31/19 5:34 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 7/31/19 7:35 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 7/31/19 7:50 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 7/31/19 9:25 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 7/31/19 6:57 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Jason Massie 7/31/19 9:31 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/1/19 12:12 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/1/19 12:28 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/1/19 9:47 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/5/19 10:27 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/5/19 10:36 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/7/19 6:38 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Chris Marti 8/8/19 6:40 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/8/19 7:23 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/9/19 8:14 PM
RE: Shaun's Log spatial 8/9/19 9:49 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/10/19 7:45 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/11/19 10:46 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/12/19 7:46 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/13/19 7:02 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/13/19 7:52 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/22/19 4:16 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/28/19 4:33 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 9/5/19 5:26 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 9/6/19 8:35 PM
RE: Shaun's Log shargrol 9/7/19 6:37 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 9/7/19 7:56 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 9/7/19 8:23 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 9/7/19 11:11 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 9/7/19 12:32 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 9/7/19 4:35 PM
RE: Shaun's Log spatial 9/7/19 5:47 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 9/7/19 6:59 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Siavash Mahmoudpour 9/7/19 7:49 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 9/8/19 10:01 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 9/9/19 3:43 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 9/11/19 1:14 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 9/21/19 5:32 PM
RE: Shaun's Log Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 8/12/19 8:03 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/12/19 9:50 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Shaun Steelgrave 8/12/19 10:00 AM
RE: Shaun's Log Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 8/12/19 7:56 AM
Shaun's Log
Answer
7/31/19 6:30 PM
(EDIT: Cleaning up some of these early posts as they were done on ipad, which these boards don't seem to like.)


History: Got into meditation about 3-4 years ago through Sam Harris podcast, after a couple of decades of being a staunch atheist. Messed around with the 10 and 20 minute sessions for therapeutic reasons. BECAUSE SCIENCE SAID IT WAS GOOD.
but I guess we all have to start somewhere. I didn't get anywhere, but I guess it started laying the foundation.

In March of 2017 I took a deeper dive and did some longer session working on, I guess concentration (listening to a looping melody) with some vipassana (without noting). I didn't really know what I was doing (still don't) but did I bunch of 8-12 hour sessions over the course of 3 or so weeks.
This is where I had the seeing through eyes experience as well as the falling through bed experience.

Dark Night: From April 2017 to June 2019. Basically pretty disenchanted, doing ten minutes perfunctorily, and it clearly wasn't doing shit. But to be honest I've been in DN for my whole entire adult life and have manufactured a shitty, illusory self, that could use some unravelling.

At some point: ran into Daniel on Buddhist Geeks and thought he was complete loony tunes (probably during DN).
Read MCTB which led to my new practices starting in June 2019.


June: consisted of sitting in a walmart and staring at objects and candles, badly, for two hours, then trying to do Mahasi noting as much as I could stand, which was about only an hour as I found it difficult at the time. Mostly I think I just fucked around and the quality of meditations was low.
Powers experience?!!?:  Concentration work on a windy day. Staring through a metal loop on the top of a grocery cart (yes, walmart parking lot, in my truck) and suddenly the wind gusted and three carts were "pushed" away from my truck with a force and a random customer had to hustle to stop one from hitting a shiny Suburban. At the time the atheist said coincidence. Today, well, I'll reserve comment...

Late June: Mostly backburnered concentration aside from doing 30-60 minutes here and there. Did read into the concentration jhanas much, just stared a rock or a hole in a rock wall, or candle flame. Previous entry said I could stare at a object without blinking for an hour, but that's probably not true. With blinking, yes. (I have no idea whether that is good or not.) I did however check out the 1st jhana and saw the red dot with multicolored swirling fractals in one attempt and my bullshit detector, at the time, said, "hmm, let's switch to vipassana".

And so, I cracked down on insight training (mahasi noting) and the quality of those sits and things started to take off.

July 1st: was the first big A&P since the stuff in 2017. The electrified spine deal for 8-10 seconds and followed by lesser ones for the rest of the sit. Afterglow for a couple days.

Read MCTB2: and still think Daniel's a little out there (for the record). I'll save commenting on the 4000 page disclaimer about the powers, for now. emoticon

Daily practice: consists of maybe 20 minutes of concentration work
then two, 2 hour insight sessions and sometimes a third. one sitting, one laying

No full cessation, from what i can tell, many brownouts and just a lot of a&p junk, buzzes on and off cushion.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
7/31/19 6:35 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Just jotting down some interesting events...

Recent Phenomenology:

Slow Star Field - Like viewing space travel on a space ship moving at leisurely cruising speed

Hyperspace Star Field- Like going to warp where stars become streaks. Accompanied with piti rapture.

Pixelated Wormhole- Highly pixelated like 90s screensaver and colored violet.

July 28th 2019

Behind the Black Mirror- This one was the oddest and feels like what happened to Chris Marti before his cessation. A flash of a symbol. I've seen these a couple times, usually up in EQ. This particular one had build up, lasted maybe half a second. I'll attempt to describe. Looking through the back of one of those backlit restaurant specials menus with the colorful writing. It was frozen at maybe a 45 degree angle and reminded me of an old overexposed photograph. One word was written, seen backwards, and might have said KCUF.

I feel like maybe some old lamas are trolling me from the celestial homes in the van allen belt.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
7/31/19 6:33 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
*EDITED*
What I'm working with today:

-third eye chakra fairly normal now
-faint concentric triangles appear when i focus on it
-these can be changed to squares and sometimes higher polygons
-when i try star shape, it turns to a complex pattern and fades out

Tried to follow the concentric triangle worm hole that seems to be corresponding to my wisdom eye and after a few piti bursts it might have led me to EQ since it was a luminous fog, but who knows.

It seems like I don’t have to note as much to plunge into the insight jhanas, and I might be cycling off the cushion.

Sometimes I wonder if piti are telling me "no, not yet, we have to build those routes."
I'll get buzzed sometimes when I'm thinking about certain concepts. Picturing what occupies the space between thoughts. ZAP.  Picturing looking through the back of my head into a mirror in search of the self, ZAP. Pondering pizza or thicc booty, no zap. Trying to discern every pulse of a very quiet sound, ZAP. So, either building bridges or frying brain.

Oh, the triangles occasionally turn the "tv snow" into a fractal.



 

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
7/31/19 5:34 AM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Maybe the buzzing indicates that you are on the right track, that is, engaging with the dharma? But if it is very intense it is probably wise to keep building those routes gradually while remaining grounded. I have found that piti gets subtler and subtler over time, thankfully, as it started out very violently for me.

Hi and welcome, by the way! I hope you will like it here.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
7/31/19 7:35 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I see you guys talk about grounding and am not sure what you mean in a meditative context.

Should I have a copper wire trailing off my body and stuck deep into the ground? emoticon

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
7/31/19 7:50 AM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Haha, nah, I doubt that would work. It seems to be basically the same thing as in recommendations for people who have traumas or are prone to dissociation. For me, hatha yoga and vinyasa yoga helps. It keeps me stable both physically and mentally, and that includes energetically. Eating and sleeping habits are important too. Contact with the elements of nature are healing for me. That kind of stuff. And metta.

Although - digging my bare feet into the ground does help. No copper wire needed.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
7/31/19 9:25 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
So you mean the basic physical and nutritional upkeep that should be required by all humans?

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
7/31/19 6:57 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
More about concentric triangles! I'm sure I'll get bored of them at some point at move on.

They appear to be a sort of HUD, dead-center of vision, when the third eye chakra is lit up, a PERMANENT one. I know, that's a dirty word around here. Actually, it is definitely IMPERMANENT but it's now around more often than not.

It's faint, and I don't see it with eyes open in broad daylight, because that would be too cool.

The concentric triangles shift and lazily spin and bloom in full field splattering of dark and light and of various sizes. Sometimes I can perceive a tight spun fractal in the center of the smallest triangle. They also switch from triangle to cross or X form and start looking precisely like zooming into fractals (like the Mandelbrot Set without the bug or the seahorse tails.)

Until the triangle fractals, my visual experience had been VERY CLOSE, like eyelid close, even in EQ. Now, however, after I realized you can zoom into a fractal INFINITLY,(which nearly caused a panic attack i might add) I NOW KNOW AND SEE EVERY-- I can see, slightly, farther.

Quiet Narrator:
One more thing, a couple sits ago I got to a point where the narrator got quieter for a little while, which had never happened before and has not happened again since. Starting to unravel the self?

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
7/31/19 9:31 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Shaun Steelgrave:

They appear to be a sort of HUD, dead-center of vision, when the third eye chakra is lit up, a PERMANENT one. I know, that's a dirty word around here. Actually, it is definitely IMPERMANENT but it's now around more often than not.

It's faint, and I don't see it with eyes open in broad daylight, because that would be too cool.


It is possible to see this with your eyes open. A dark room with a white wall might help. For me, it is a spinning orb. Sometimes the background spins in the opposite direction. I would try to increase concentration by paying close attention to the visual detail.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/1/19 12:12 AM as a reply to Jason Massie.
very cool 

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/1/19 12:28 AM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
2.5 hour sit, though the last 30 minutes felt forced

the other 2 hours though..

New ground!

I went to a new realm, new to me, somewhere in the many layers of EQ, where the narrator again got quiet, got very very quiet. Like freak me out quiet. Noting turned out to be exceedingly difficult at that moment and came out as stacatto, incoherent babbling. Not a stroke thankfully. Also, breathing seemed difficult, but maybe i was focused on the quiet narrator too much by, you know, not breathing after the exhale to concentrate better. Oh, and my tinnitus wailed at this point. Wailed like when a tv broadcast is interrupted and all you see is the colored bars and that annoying hum. I kept on forgetting to mention how my tinnitus gets louder the deeper i get in the stages.

Then I might have imagined the cephalopodic eye of a Lovecraftian Horror, possibily the entity that forces this organic lump to have endless thoughts of suffering.
And finally, like what seems to always happen around the 2 hour mark I feel like I get shunted out. Everything suddenly became clear, hearing especially, to the point where i thought that it might have increased in potency. But then I released I just came out of a very muted realm.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/1/19 9:47 AM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Just a quick one...there’s always little things i want to log but end up forgetting.

There's a realm/jhana I call half-and-half  where left side is dark and the right side is light. The dark side sometimes has lighting flashes, like heat lightning. I think it’s before EQ and might be my reobservation. Not sure, just attempting to peg down some landmarks.

And the third eye chakra was snuffed out completely in EQ. No triangles for Shaun. Which makes sense since that’s an a&p thing. Also, when i felt i was shunted out of the muted realm last night (didn’t have the chops to hang) i figured it must have cycled me back to a&p as everything, the sense doors, became so clear.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/5/19 10:27 AM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
A number of rough sits.
All july I was mostly cycling into EQ in 45 to 60 minutes then wandering there (likely conceptualizing too much) and staying there until losing momentum.
A few of the sits I couldn’t even get into EQ going 1.5- 2 hours and got frustrated. Yes, noted it.

One interesting event was after a rough sit on a hot day, I stopped after about an hour, stretched my neck and arms and was fully prepared to quit, then i opened my eyes and was immediately pulled back into meditation, where the brain shifted insight jhanas and i sat another 15 min until the sun got to be too much.
I then sought AC and read for an hour and a half and felt the pull again, returned to the cushion and, i think, got right into EQ in 5 min.

There have been a bunch of times where i'll be doing everyday things and suddenly feel the pull of meditation. You know, the sort of lightheadedness that comes with shifting stages. The cycle goes on.

Then some more sits where i explored the knowledges of suffering more and for the first time heard the helicopter roter. I felt like i was slipping in my practice due to not being able to accesS EQ again.

Then I had a few sits where I would doggedly noted, power up like mad, enter EQ in 25 minutes, and after maybe 10 minutes in EQ, fucking eject out the other end and land somewhere back down in A&P territory, then struggle the rest of the sit and never get anywhere, just spin my wheels.

So then yesterday I calmed down the noting and found a more stable EQ in one sit, which was a bit of a relief.
Then the evening sit I had a sort of blip moment, (brownout again?) which startled me, but i don’t even think i was in EQ at that point, more like deliverance or REOB.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/5/19 10:36 AM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Just pinning down some locations on the map.

A&P: Full on third eye forehead stuff.

Dissolution: Looks like big stargate rings rotating lazily in different directions. Dopey, pleasantish.

Fear: Low grade anxiety for no discernible reason.

Re-observation: This was what I called the half and half realm previously, half white, half black, with heat lightning flashes in the peripheral.

EQ: White

EQ sub jana?: quiet narrator and really hard to note or form words.

EQ sub jana?: some dark pit.

There seems to be many layers of EQ. Many death shrouds to push past.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/7/19 6:38 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Perhaps some insight gained?
(the questions are me thinking aloud more than direct questions to DhO)
(but feel free to tackle any, but try not to answer questions with more questions. I know, that might be asking too much.) emoticon

---
In the Mindscape...

-all 6 sense doors are transient illusions, not objects
       -there are no objects

-your "stuff" doesn't exist
     -"your" doesn't exist

-all senses have varying degrees of amplitude that provoke proportional emotional reactions. i.e.- a gentle breeze < a car horn
      -who is emotionally reacting though?
      -are the amplitudes leveled with experience?
---
-there is no metta in the Mindscape as there is no object to aim it toward
      -is metta simply a by-product that bleeds through into conventional reality?
           -if so, of what? equanimity?

      -are powers also a by-product that can bleed through into conventional reality?
            -if so, of what? concentration?
            -or, are they nonsense?

-what are other Mindscape by-products?

---
-in the Mindscape, are the concentration and insight jhanas are one in the same, with different focus?

-the jhanas are not places that you go to
      -the jhanas just happen

-are the jhanas equal in importance?
     -is EQ more important Dissolution, Deliverance and Re-observation?
            -if so, is their importance hierarchy equivalent to their placement on the map?
---
-is every moment in the Mindscape a snapshot of the present?

---
-this forum doesn't exist in the Mindscape

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/8/19 6:40 AM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
-is every moment in the Mindscape a snapshot of the present?

This is worth more pondering and investigation, IMHO. What exactly IS a "snapshot of the present?" Is that even possible? Or is that really something else? (Hint - what is memory?)


RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/8/19 7:23 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:

This is worth more pondering and investigation, IMHO. What exactly IS a "snapshot of the present?" Is that even possible? Or is that really something else? (Hint - what is memory?)



I guess I was thinking if one was noting "be present....present...present...present...." and at each note a machine recorded the moment, a snapshot of all sense doors. Which would show sense fragments, i guess. 
Whether that is possible or just a thought experiment, i don’t know. Is there something else, probably, but my pre stream entry brain has found it.
As for memories, i want to say they’re just thoughts, simply another sense,  but again, the lense to actually feel that is not quite built i’d say.
I will keep looking

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/9/19 8:14 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
everything noted is from the past, except the note itself

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/9/19 9:49 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Shaun Steelgrave:
As for memories, i want to say they’re just thoughts, simply another sense,  but again, the lense to actually feel that is not quite built i’d say.
I will keep looking


What do memories feel like to you?

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/10/19 7:45 AM as a reply to spatial.
spatial:
Shaun Steelgrave:
As for memories, i want to say they’re just thoughts, simply another sense,  but again, the lense to actually feel that is not quite built i’d say.
I will keep looking


What do memories feel like to you?
They feel exactly like every unawakened humans memories lol

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/11/19 10:46 AM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
A bunch of crappy sits...

BUT....

...on my hike this morning, which turned into walking meditation, i finally had a glimpse of the Rider and the Dummy. The former being consciousness and latter being whatever mammalian symbiont we ride. I pictured a will-o-wisp floating above a trundling puppet/golem thing, and the world was not objects, but just seeing.

Hopefully some progress into no self.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/12/19 7:56 AM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Shaun Steelgrave:
So you mean the basic physical and nutritional upkeep that should be required by all humans?



Basically, but I’m not so sure that’s all of it. I think there’s some energetic aspect to it that is hard to pinpoint, something that needs to be balanced, and practices like yoga and qigong seem to adress it in a way that biomedicine doesn’t, but I find it hard to sort out the working components from belief systems. (That goes for biomedicine too, by the way. It does miracles but is limited by belief systems.)

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/12/19 8:03 AM as a reply to Jason Massie.
Jason Massie:
Shaun Steelgrave:

They appear to be a sort of HUD, dead-center of vision, when the third eye chakra is lit up, a PERMANENT one. I know, that's a dirty word around here. Actually, it is definitely IMPERMANENT but it's now around more often than not.

It's faint, and I don't see it with eyes open in broad daylight, because that would be too cool.


It is possible to see this with your eyes open. A dark room with a white wall might help. For me, it is a spinning orb. Sometimes the background spins in the opposite direction. I would try to increase concentration by paying close attention to the visual detail.


For me it’s like a symmetrically organized cluster of spinning fields. I don’t know if we are discussing the same phenomenon, but a dark room with a white wall sure makes it visible. Bright light against a bright field does too.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/12/19 9:50 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
sounds like the same phenomenon essentially, tailored to our own experiences

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/12/19 10:00 AM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
just logging a Phenomena i see in EQ somewhere:

This one seems hard to perceive though ive come across it somewhat reliably. And I conjecture it will likely show more if i can bring up my Perception Processing Power. (PPP)


Picture a cloud/fog chamber that has scintillating, paper thin, shafts of light. The shafts come and go in every which direction. Almost like a chaotic weave in some textile.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/12/19 7:46 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
More about the Rider and the Dummy which came from comtemplative walks. I wouldn't call them walking meditation as I only really pay attention to a couple sense doors--the Rider who sees as well as feels the Dummy trotting beneath.

The goal is to increase the gap between Rider and Dummy, consciousness and body.

(disclaimer: may contain pseudo insight)
(the term Dummy, and its use in this context, is stolen from Chris Marti's journal)


--
You're not the dummy, you're the rider.

The dummy is like a pet dog.

You care for the dummy just as you would a dog.

When the dummy is thirsty, you put down some water.

When it's hungry, you feed it.

If it becomes too fat, you feed it less.

If the dummy moans while climbing a hill, you mostly laugh at the silly beast and wait for it to catch its breath.

If it's really tired, you let it rest.

When the dummy begs for special treats at midnight, you scold it, and definitely do not give it a pint of double chocolate cookie dough ice cream.

Also, you teach it tricks, wash it, groom it and make sure the dummy is presentable to society.

By doing so it can meet other dummies so that they can partake in fun endeavors like movie watching and rubbing genitals together.

Strangely enough, the dummy owner, like dog owners, is entirely cursed to being present for every dump as well.

Now, the dummy is usually somewhat reluctant to comply with the above, but you have the dummy's best interests at heart, and so you benevolently dictate it to do what is right.

A happy dummy will flourish and spread its happiness to other dummies.

But ultimately the dummy is just a vessel for the rider.

An unobedient dummy is called a cat.

--

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/13/19 7:02 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Been sitting on this one for a couple of weeks...
Some contemplation on suffering, which had almost an immediate impact (coupled with the 4-6 hours practice/day) and has changed my personality and eased suffering greatly. No cessation.

The Inquisitor
(a.k.a.- the Torturer)
-guardian of the suffering door
-everyone has an Inquisitor, kinda like the lil devil that sits on your shoulder, except this fella just whispers terrible thoughts in your ear 
-comes in many varieties, some of which are extremely subtle
-but of course, mindfulness illuminates this shady character

-it is capable of...
(a few friends you may recognize from the Knowledges of Suffering)

Fear- perceived threats to survival, physical threats, loud noises, growl-like noises (motorcycles), snake rattling noises, grass swishing, etc and you can see where those old threats are being interpreted  by the old primordial lizard brain. The fight/flight stuff.
      -also things like heights (and perceived fall/impact) and possibly drowning as well
      -comes in the form of mental imaginings--usually completely ridiculous and unlikely ones--about bear attacks and murderous bandits slitting your throat at the ATM, etc
      -mine were never about me dying particularly, but just being harmed, and having to take action, usually involving fighting and defeating the attacker in a gruesome fashion

-the buildup of constant dread, anxiety
      -for me it was driving, driving too fast (which i loved doing because it was exciting), except that meant when it was time for whatever ordinary maneuvers were required (breaking, passing, swerving--usually around just slower drivers), because i was going lightspeed this meant these events were just that much more impactful on the reptilian brain

Misery
       loss, depression and all that fun stuff 
      -the inquisitor will just pop in one day and tell you you're going to lose your job, your wife is going to leave you and so will all your friends, and just for a little icing on the cake, your old dog will have to be put down pretty soon. Does he have an odd limp?

Disgust
       social irritations
where everyone isn't up to your standards. too ugly, too fat, too stupid, DRIVES TOO SLOW, etc.
-i feel like i lived in disgust for a long, long time.  
-extreme versions of disgust being the narcissist, the socio/psychopath 

Some other guises...

      "i'm right, you're wrong. ALWAYS!"
      -people and their opinions and have to be right, i know i do
      -wrong = embarrassment, i guess, and who likes being embarrassed?
      -sometimes it's okay just to let whatever quibble go

no wonder social media is such a complete shitshow. phew!
---
Where does the Inquisitor's lash lead us?

      ADDICTIONS and VICES
-self-medication attempts to ease the suffering
-whether it's sugar, heroin, or midgets in gimp suits, whatever your thing is
-i suffer therefore i eat two large pizzas. WHAT FUN THIS WILL BE!
-except it leads to nowhere, but 3 seconds of taste door pleasure, and more suffering, and probably diabetes and heart disease 

       -also, this is where people probably start finding god, or crystals, or veganism in attempts to fix themselves

---
this feels like i'm writing a self-help book, so i'll wrap it up
---
Actions to Take:

Catch the inquisitor in the act
      -everytime!
      -be vigilant! be mindful of whenever the inquistor randomly shows up to tell you about a fake future that involves friends dying in car crashes (and ofc, how shitty life will  be like without them), parents getting mugged, children murdered by escaped convicts, or whatever ridiculous bullshit the Inquisitor comes up with 
       -keep on catching it (if you're at all like me this will happen 32957873 times a day, so there's plenty of opportunity)

Laugh at how persistant it is
      -eventually you'll catch the inquisitor every time and be astonished how tireless this demon can be and just laugh at how ridiculous these thoughts are

Grow tired of it and seek deliverance
      -kinda looks like the Dark Night, hm?
      -eventually build that suffering detection lense and click it over to the OFF feature
      -or that's the theory anyway.
---
Oh, and remember the part where i was being attacked but never killed? Let yourself die in those scenarios, it might be good for when we're working on the impermanence door. Who knows. TBA.
----
Now if I can just pop a few fruitions, this shit might stick better.
Cheers

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/13/19 7:52 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
today i worked on pushing for a longer sit (4 hours)
and instead of being a meditator, just fucking meditate.

I also marvelled how clever noting actually is.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/22/19 4:16 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Fasted for the day.
Couldn't fall asleep so I just meditated off and on all night.
In the REM sleep just before I usually awaken I dreamt that I had a fruition.
The evening before I was at a friends playing Mario Party.
There's this mini-game where you have to press a button as humanly possibly.
I was doing this in the dream and tunnel vision began and slowly closed and winked out.
Then I woke up.

I doubt it was an actual fruition.
Maybe I was seeing what the transition from REM to deep sleep looks like?
How does REM unconsciousness differ from deep sleep, fruitions, being knocked out with a head kick, or anesthesia?

Still, an interesting and usually experience for me.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
8/28/19 4:33 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Are there multiple selves?
Each one on a dimmer switch.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/5/19 5:26 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Did 10 hours insight practice yesterday and had a really tough go.

Felt like I got no where, just spinning my wheels.

Yes, I noted it.

I basically felt like I forgot how to meditate.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/6/19 8:35 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Messed around with kasinas for about three hours last night.

Tried various colored discs to varying degrees of color success.

The satanism symbol and aleister crowley symbols, which were either black on white, or white on black were actually kinda interesting as the nimittas did funky stuff and always produced red.

I can see where the color got associated with the devil.

A glimpse into seeing how these myths and superstition can get rolling.

Im sure if i concentrated with prayer and rosary i’d meet the virgin mary.

or spongebob...

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/7/19 6:37 AM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Good stuff!  Your 8/13 inquisitor post is a great example of starting to see the power and illusion of dark night stages --- basically it's become not "misery" but "knowledge of misery" (for example) which is the actual title of the stage. The goal is not the dukka experiences, but "the knowledge of the dukka nanas".

I have a hunch that you haven't quite teased it out yet though...

The tricky thing is the more you try to "catch" it, the more power it gets. But the more you allow it and study it with curiousity (even a kind of appreciation and respect) then the more it falls apart... and the interesting thing is when it falls apart you get to see how the it is a scared and hurt little inquisitor just trying to survive and protect itself. (Which is why dukka is sometimes described as confused compassion. It is able to exist because of the power of compassion, but the expression is all tangled so it actually is dukka.)

Definitely keep playing with centering/relaxing (aka "concentration", which is a horrible word which normally implies effort and force)... but also during those long sits, notice how sneaky the inquisitor is and how it shows up as "I am the meditator/I know how to meditate"!

This stuff gets really subtle before cessations are possible. Don't quit too soon. Straight ahead! 

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/7/19 7:56 AM as a reply to shargrol.
@shargrol, thx for the tips. I had more inquistor aspects, like the Quitter and the Procrastinator, which i could add to the list, but they prevented me. Maybe later when i have a proper keyboard in front of me. Then again, perhaps i have to buck those devils first.
As for concentration, ya, why hasn’t that name been changed to something more fitting. It’s like Buddhism hasn’t heard of an editor.
Would an AI human have perfect, unfaltering concentration? Maybe. Could it enter jhanas just by that one staring technique? Unlikely.
—-

Played with more kasinas last night for 2 hours using different color wheels and hd psychedelic pics. 
There nimitta sign can only pick up color variability and detail to a point before the brain kinda simplifies it. But still it’s amazing how much the nimitta can reproduce, in its complementaries of course.
Is there a limit? Can this limit be pushed? Is this a more 2019 version of a mandalas? Will this work to any benefit? 
Or will I fall into madness?

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/7/19 8:23 AM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Are you seeing the counter image of what you have been staring at? If that’s the case, then yes, you can definitely push it more, because that’s only the beginning. I’m no expert in this, but I would suggest that you focus on one Kasina object, such as a candle flame, and learn how to transform that counter image into something different and have it evolve.

If you find the solution to procrastination, please let me know.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/7/19 11:11 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Are you seeing the counter image of what you have been staring at? If that’s the case, then yes, you can definitely push it more, because that’s only the beginning. I’m no expert in this, but I would suggest that you focus on one Kasina object, such as a candle flame, and learn how to transform that counter image into something different and have it evolve.

If you find the solution to procrastination, please let me know.

ya, i was just messing around instead of pushing deeper into jhanas. 
sometimes i just need to entertain myself to keep practice from getting dull.

RE: Shaun's Log
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9/7/19 12:32 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Ah, I see. Yeah, why not? Have fun!

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/7/19 4:35 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
The Inquisitor part 2

More aspects of this insufferable shoulder demon.
They're all pretty
And yes, I'm sure these are all taken care of in some Buddha sutta, but I rather enjoy uncovering them on my own in practice.
A person can tell me all day the answer, but that doesn't mean I'll get it, until i get it. Get it?
This seems especially the case in not-self training we're you can intellectualize this shit all day, but until that switch flips, you don't get it.

The Babbler/Distractor
      -I'd say we're all familiar with this fellow.

The Quitter
      -one of my favorites

The Procrastinator
     - "I'll meditate later."

The Posturering Peacock (the Fop)
     -you know, that guy in his fancy Corvette, perfect hair, teeth, beard, expensive clothes, jewlery, watch, smartphone, etc etc...  
     -and the gal in her white SUV, perfect straight blonde hair, aviator shades, etc...

     -They're always on the look out for validation from the other sex. "Oh, look at me please. Please look! Am I sexually viable?! YES! Oh look at her! She's even hotter, what does she think of me? YES! I saw that sneaky gaze! IM SO HOT!"
     -that shit never ends

The Worrier
     -the job interview, the doctor's appointment, the new situation, the fabrications that just pop into our heads about the stupidest shit...
 
     -did i really blow out the candle or is it still smoldering in the other room, lighting the cat on fire, lighting the drapes on fire. OMG EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BURN. I HAVE TO SAVE THE (*insert whatever useless, probably expensive thing, we cling to*).
     -save your child though
 
The Avoider
The Liar:
     "ya, I have a tech startup, and i'm a cage fighter, and i bench 350 at the gym, and my script just got picked up, and I meditate more than you..."
     -then your got to remember all these lies

Pain/Embarrassment Avoider:

     -physical and mental pain
     -social situations
    

The Tantrumer
     - goes with the earlier mentioned in part 1, "I'm right and you're wrong. Always!"
     - "it's never my fault."
     - "that speeding ticket is bullshit."

The Lusterer, The Lustful Lecher?
      - "must fuck, must fuck, must fuck, must fuck, must fuck, must fuck, must fuck...."
     -the bread and butter of your favorite dharma teachers

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/7/19 5:47 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
This is fantastic.

I'm going to offer some suggestions that I hope will take you in a direction that I personally found productive. If it's not helpful, feel free to ignore it.

Look for contradictions or cognitive dissonance. The mind is trying really hard to create coherence, and will convince you that there is no cognitive dissonance. As shargrol said, this is the "scared and hurt little inquisitor just trying to survive and protect itself."

When I first realized that there were multiple selves, my first instinct was to try to prove them all false. I looked at it as if the mind were trying to play tricks on me, and it was my job to see the lies for what they were. That made intellectual sense (and still does), but I didn't feel any freedom until I somehow saw that it's not that they're all false, but rather that they're all true.

So, take a look at your most cherished selves. Prove to yourself that the stories they tell are true. Then, prove to yourself that they are false. If you think of yourself as being a Procrastinator, write a (true) paragraph about how you're a Procrastinator. Then, write another (also completely true) paragraph about how you're the exact opposite of a Procrastinator. Prove to yourself that being a Procrastinator is a bad thing, then prove to yourself that it's a good thing.

Look for any unresolved questions you have about "what kind of person I really am." Look for any stories about how "I couldn't/shouldn't do xyz because I'm not that kind of person." Notice how these stories are your mind's way of protecting you, because you're scared. Notice how everyone else is walking around with minds that are doing the same thing (I suspect this part is really important, especially if you are already predisposed to misanthropy...).

Don't settle for an intellectual understanding. Intellectual understanding is what happens when you've convinced yourself there are no contradictions. I find it really helpful to feel the contradictions, how uncomfortable they are. You want to learn to live with them, not eliminate them. This stuff is all paradoxical, and there's no great way to put it into words.

Honestly, I don't know to what extent this stuff helps with meditation, but I suspect it put my mind in a much more flexible state.

(Footnote: The project of trying to prove selves false is based on the idea of "I want to solidify my sense of self because I can't stand not knowing who I really am." The project of trying to prove them true is based on the idea of "I want to learn to love every aspect of my experience for what it is." So, the crucial difference is in the attitude you bring to it.)

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/7/19 6:59 PM as a reply to spatial.
I love it. Both the discovery of multiple selves and Spatial’s advice for how to work with them. I can’t tell exactly what it does in meditation, but seeing how they all do their best to look out for one’s wellbeing according to their own limited set of strategies does wonders in daily life, especially if met with compassion and with cultivating understanding and compassion in-between them as well, and it definitely doesn’t hurt the practice either.

Still working on it. Have been for the last decade. That may sound very disconcerting, but then again you have no idea what a mess I was when I started.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/7/19 7:49 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
We are all that mess. No one is a better mess in the start. I don't know about the end.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/8/19 10:01 AM as a reply to Siavash Mahmoudpour.
thanks everyone 

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/9/19 3:43 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Not much to report. Looking into the confusion of selves and how they protect themselves.

As for kasina, i only did an hour, then fell in a internet hole.
The kasina was a color wheel of primary and secondary colors, like a pie chart.

After the internet spat me out, about an hour later, i closed my eyes and the after image of the color wheel was still there, colors and all.

That's some after image.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/11/19 1:14 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
Typical Kasina Sit

Kasina: dirty yellow/orange disc on black field

20 min, in and out of 3rd jhana 
30 min, light blue center of the nimitta with spiderweb texture finally arrives
40 min, a few rounds of 4th jhana, felt like EQ, amorphous, brighter blue, but couldn’t hold it
45-60 min, worked on solidifying 3rd jhana, because it’s a slippery little bitch. At best i held the blanked out center for 2-3 seconds.

RE: Shaun's Log
Answer
9/21/19 5:32 PM as a reply to Shaun Steelgrave.
I have mostly been messing around with kasinas of all types while insight practice has dropped to an hour/day. That being said, I seem to vipassanize nimitta anyway.
Field Types
I’ve broken these down into fields/overlays
These are just from my experience, I don’t know, or care, if these coincide with definitions of jhana, nimitta, or whatever.
f-field
            floater field
            -whatever dust and hair particles that collect on the eye    
-and likely the field where physical eye damage would show on
-not sure if the eye’s natural color rimmed blind spots fall here or down in the visual
n-field
            nimitta field, (the murk)
            -the field that looks like static or tv interference
n2..n3..n4…
            -the possible secondary layers beyond/behind formed nimitta
h-field
            hypnagogic field
            -mind image field, where if you pictured Donald Trump, a vague image would appear superimposed over your visual field, but seemingly behind your n-field
            -I feel like dreams might be a combination of n and h fields
            -though, h-field needs no concentration to form …so it might be just on the edge of dreaming they overlap
v-field
            visual field
            -conventional sight
Using Color-wheel Discs:
            Played around discs of all colors and especially color wheels. The color wheels will bring out your dominant primary nimitta color, the one your mind naturally likes.
During candle kasina this appears to be purple like most people, but during colored disc gazing, light green is quite dominant, vibrant and long lasting for me. So I’ve mostly settled on various purples and violets to bring out the green afterimage.
The most difficult color I find to form is a good bright yellow, they all tend to be washed out.
I have some degree of red/green colorblindness so I image that’ll factor in.
Manifesting Grey Signs:
I’ve also been manifesting nice grey using complimentary colors. So for example I’ll use the purple square, which will manifest the light green sign, but then paint a light green square in the center of the purple, and so that will produce a mix of purple and green: grey.
Bootstrapping directly off the n-field static:
Definitely doable, but difficult.  I just work on solidifying the static, really quieting down the eye movements, which kasina folks will know is tough sub 1st jhana. This will eventually lead to fine lines, then 2D woven patterns and symbols, and then on towards the 3D stuff. It tends to be much more bland, black and white nimitta work, but will eventually colors start forming closer to the one hour mark. In one particular case, a reddish pink crystalline landscape, that looked like a polygonal/pyramidal mountains from a 90s real time strategy game.
Astral Hands
-had this a few times around the 45-60 min mark, which apparently are partial travels
-these were not in color or solid but made of the shimmering n-field static
-as soon as I become aware of them, or put attention on them, because sometimes it takes a moment, they will vanish. The same thing will happen if I put too much focus on whatever HD still image, like a Japanese billboard advertisement, or a smattering of stamps, post cards, calendars, journals and the like from a pre-digital era.
My mind seems to have an affinity for old-timey stationary esthetics, which is odd as I’ve never had this predisposition in ordinary life.
Then again there have also been a fair number of MS windows like screens that appear too.
Focusing on the n-field upon waking:
            This will often be a good time to see explosions in visuals. I watched the other day a sort of quickened version of bootstrapping off the n-field, where woven lines formed into a tartan pattern where each square had a symbol. Alphabets, hieroglyphics, ancient and dead languages on a massive Rosetta Stone like obelisk that lazily, scrolled into the heavens.
Hundreds of symbols, (thousands?!) none of which were alike and at this point one can only but marvel at the mind’s untapped capabilities and say HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS.