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Confused, looking for guidance
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8/27/19 3:51 PM
Hi !

First sorry about possible grammar mistakes, english is not my native language. Also, I have just registered to post this, so if this is the wrong place or if I shouldn't be posting this here please delete it.

Second, I've stumble upon this thread after some google searches https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/4041393


And that's almost exactly what I've been through, like OP describes. Maybe with some differences, like I was not doing LSD or shrooms.

I was just in a really bad place inside my mind and after breaking up with my exGF, I was trying so hard to find a solution to my problem (read some bad things on google and started to think I had a personality disorder) mixed with feelings of rejection, sadness, and specially guilt for making her and me, suffer. I was not recognizing myself and somewhere along my 4 year relationship I lost myself literally speaking, like I don't know / remember who I am. I have put myself after her, and "lost" all my personality. My responsibility for letting that happen, not hers.

I was always a person who not believed anything (like religion and etc), I was always breaking rules and never looked after myself.

After our break up, I was left with a mantra (she gave me) to help me out. That was the only thing I had left to try to help myself so I repeated that over and over almost 24/7 for two days. It was really helping me, do not ask me why. Can't explain, but each repetition I was calmer and calmer.. sometimes crying, but more centered and calm in the end.

On the 3rd day I was watching TV and still repeating the mantra when with bad thoughts and that thing (like https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/4041393) happened.

I can't explain in words exactly what was it, but OP on that link did a great job. After feeling like superman I went to my bed and started to cry, but cry a lot, of joy. The day after I could read anyone walking on the street and feel them. Co-workers, friends, random strangers, anyone. I was crying just watching the world around me. It was for sure, the best two days in 30 years I can remember of. After that, all this faded with time. Like after 2 or 3 months I was back to the normal me. On the course of that 2 months, I read a lot of books. Started with Power of Now, and exactly like OP (link above) on the exact same part (body scan) just reading the book, I kind of 'activated' that again, had to put the book down and leave my house. I was again in a blissful and joyful state. That happened twice maybe, I could feel I was a master controlling my mind and could enter that state again after trying a lot. I was in a state where I knew how to meditate, vipassana like insights and everything, without even heard the word 'vipassana'. It was like I knew it all already, out of nowhere.


So I started yoga twice a week and meditation everyday. I read a lot of books till now like Ram Dass, Tolle, Kabat Zin etc.

I'm trying to stabilize myself and don't know how. That state still reaches me sometimes, but out of nowhere. My goal is just to live a normal life where this do not come in waves. Because this f* my head up. My mood is extremely unstable and that state do not help when it appears. Last week I was in a taxi and this occurred again after a long time. I started to write things like never before, opened my notes app and started to write like a book author. I was writing about the state and insights I "gained". And it looked good, like what the hell? I am by no means a writer, but at that time, looked like it was not me typing. This is crazy! And that lasted for the weekend, fading with time.

Then I try to let go of it, keep doing yoga and meditation, but nothing seems to help. Actually lost the energy to sit daily after wake up, but I do constant breath watching the whole day. That keeps me from dwelling and wasting energy on random thoughts, I feel this really helps me. Sometimes is very hard to keep watching

I read all that post but I do not understand everything in there. Is this 1st Jhana state? I want to find some guidance on where and what to look. I don't want enlightment etc anything like that, just want to live life with love.
Sometimes I think I cannot feel love and after that state all I can think of is to find that love again inside me, but this is so hard. Hard because when "riding the wave" I have a lot of knowledge and everything makes sense, and I can feel love. After a day or two, it is like all that insight, knowledge and love are gone. I can't believe I can't access that since it is inside me.

Appreciate any insight or comments if possible.

Thank you

RE: Confused, looking for guidance
Answer
8/28/19 7:57 AM as a reply to Pedro Luis Otavio.
Hey Pedro

I’m going to do a DhO classic on you, and say: It sounds like A&P, followed by Dark Night. That is, the Arising & Passing Away event, aka the 2nd Vipassana Jhana or the 4th Insight Knowledge. The book you need to read right now is Daniel Ingram’s ‘Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha.’ Available here: https://www.mctb.org/

You’ll find good news in that what you’re going through is all completely natural and normal, and has been experienced in one form or another by lots of folks before. So you’re not alone, and you’re not going nuts. Please do push on with your practice, as the good stuff is all ahead of you. 

All the best!