The story that doesn't end

Albert Hong, modified 10 Years ago.

The story that doesn't end

Posts: 7 Join Date: 2/26/11 Recent Posts
My spiritual path to find that there is no path.



Breaking up with a love one propelled me into an existential hell. I found a vast nothingness. I realized that I didn't love the person who I was with but I loved the idea of her. After this construct (though I had feelings of intense love) ended it felt like the world ended for me. I was introduced to "Be Here Now" by Ram Dass by my friend. Be Here Now spoke to me but I didn't understand it. The pretty pictures spoke to me.

I learned that ram dass was a harvard professor. He tried lsd and eventually got kicked out of harvard. Then he travelled to India and found his guru. After this he came back to America to share the message that he found.

While attending school learning about Illustration, I found myself attracted to buddhism. Buddhism had very rational and straightforward teaching. You could say that Buddhism is just common sense. I didn't understand the ideas fully but it rang true based on my own experience. I didn't like the idea of religion because I was raised Christian and found it to be extremely lacking. Buddhism supports this great doubt and even the buddha said never to trust me based on his words. This rang in my ear.

I found myself listening to Ajahn Bramn. I read books by the Dalai Lama, etc. I grasped the Buddhist idea of emptiness. I knew emptiness and all these ideas based on the books and podcasts I've listened to. It was merely an intellectual understanding.

I was vacationing in Boston with my girl friend. We were staying at a friends house and that week we tried all sorts of medicines. This was the first time I tried the medicine. I knew it changed many lives but god it was nothing like I thought it was going to be.

We were all thrown into the vast infinite. We became infinite consciousness. There was a vast emptiness and we were that emptiness. We all were experiencing the same thing. The walls were moving. Everything was moving, except what we looked at directly. There was this oneness. There was no separation. This is where the buddha was at. I understood. We tried to deconstruct this experience but we always ended up at a wall. It was a pure feeling but at the same time it transcended all of that. I looked into everyones eyes and I saw the infinite in them. Infinite looking at the infinite. Everything around us was the infinite manifesting itself, infinitely large and small. What was this place? What the fuck did I get myself into? Where was my sense of self? My sense of personality? I felt outside of it all but at the same time I was it all. It truly felt like i died. It was the most beautiful experience I have ever had.

This experienced answered all my questions. This experienced threw me into a journey. I wanted some fucking answers. How could an ego just disappear and what was this place that we all experienced? We all touched the same place and were having the same experience of ego death. I reexamined all the buddhist text and even christian texts.

I read a lot of osho. Enjoyed a couple more experiences of this medicine. But it was always painful. In a hour I would be in a timeless heaven then in 7 hours I'd be set back home. Back to my body. Back to my problems and back to real life. What did this medicine do? What is this place? I searched and searched. I read a crap load of books.

I avoided meditation like a storm. It was too hard. It was weird. I trusted the medicine and my reading. But all the reading pointed to meditation.

My last experience with the medicine taught me everything I needed to know. I tried the medicine alone. That day my third eye ripped open and I was traveling into a tunnel in my head. This eventually brought me into a clear white light. Then I was put in a dark room. I traveled some more and then bam. My eyes flew open. I was here right now. What I was searching for: God, Truth, Love, Everything was right in front of me. Right here now. The previous experiences told me the same thing but this stuck with me. I knew my ego couldn't erase this one.

I didn't even believe that chakras or any of that weird shit existed. After that day, I decided to give up the medicine. I dedicated myself to meditation. My body was going through a change. At night I would feel different chakra centers opening. It was pretty intense and scary. There was just so much energy.

I learned about mindfulness mediation. I would watch my thoughts, my emotions, my body, any sensations. I would just watch and let things be. I learned that there is no such thing as a bad meditation. Meditation was all about keeping focus on the breath and to be mindful of what occurs and to not have an opinion. To just watch and anchor myself in my breath and if the breath wasn't interesting I would watch something else. Like an itch or I'd listen to the clock.

By practicing this everyday and night I became used to it. Even when I was not meditating I found myself being mindful. How are you doing? How do I feel? Are there any muscle tensions? It was hard at times. I was really hard on myself. If I was caught in a thought I got really mad. I learned eventually that it was ego trying to stop ego. Any comment good or bad about anything was ego. Really language was ego. Thoughts were ego. Feelings were ego. If I just let things be as they were then everything was fine.

I learned to relax. I mean prior to getting serious about mediation I was student teaching. Student teaching was hard work but it was good work. But afterwards I was pooped. So relaxation came very naturally.

I listened to true mediation by Adyashanti. This clicked. He said to just be. Just let things go. Don't do anything. Just be. Things come and things go. Thoughts come and thoughts go. Feelings come and feelings go. When you get into a quiet spaciousness then it was time to really ask the important questions. I asked Who am i? Am I my body? An itch would arise. I would feel it. Then I realized what was watching that itch prior to the itch appearing. The itch vanished. Am I my emotions? I would feel content but what knows that I am content? What was before content? Am I my ego? Well I knew for a fact that I wasn't because of my medicine experiences. I looked for this ego in my body. Where are you? Who was it that looked for the ego? There was this radical pointing at this awareness. I asked who am i? I'd hit that wall I was talking about prior. I felt what that felt like. Physically it felt like almost space, like just an emptiness. I knew this feeling because of my medicine experiences.

I would keep this who am I constant in my thought. My thinking mind would just cut off. It would just hit a wall.

Then one night bam it hit me. Here I am now. Right now. I realized my sense of self was gone. This was my satori or mini awakening.

I realized I was awareness. But this awareness was everywhere else. Every person and object was made out of this emptiness. I could feel it and I just intuitively knew it. It was like waking up from a dream.

This was the same place I have been searching for all the time. I realized that it was impossible to get here intellectually. It was impossible because we were already here. I already was what I was searching for. I was the truth and love. Unconditional love just radiated out of my body. My chakra centers would just flooded with energy. I couldn't sleep for nights. I was just aware of the divine in everything.

Days went by and I learned many things. My ego was still there but now there really wasn't an identification with it. It just was ego. This is buddha nature. Our original face. Who we were prior to growing up.

I realized I had to really examine my life. My conditioning. I had to ask for forgiveness and forgive those around me. I had to shower them with love. Show them respect for dealing with the son of a bitch I was and god what a fucking jerk I was to people. I now understand where christ was coming from. Everyone is your brother and sister. Everyone is you and you are everything. This was the normal state of consciousness. This was everyones birth right. This was nirvana. This was freedom. This was everything and everyone. This was the happiness we seeked. It was fucking right in front of us. It's so simple that it was so difficult to understand.


The only difference between awakening and non awakening is this: there is no attachment to thoughts, feelings, or rather anything.


There is this sense of oneness and you just love everything and everyone. I have my bad days as well. Mornings are not good to talk to me because I am grouchy. I still have a personality. I sleep well at times and sleep shitty at times. I still have sex. I still swear. I'm basically the same person.

But now I feel free. Now i want to help people. There is love pouring out of every pore of my body. Truth just comes out as well. I am in the world but not of the world. I am just watching, doing, being, hearing, smelling, tasting. Taking a dump and god it is so beautiful to take a shit. When you can view beauty in taking a shit then you can see beauty in everything. There really is no hierarchy either. Everything is just another manifestation of truth.

It is a radical surrender and acceptance to what is. I don't know anything. Life is just a mystery. But i do know what I am. I am not my ego, thinking, feeling, projections or whatever. I just am. Life is hard and it is easy. I get sick. I drink beer and get even more sick. But I let it go. Hell it just lets go for me. Love and be loved. Be here now. Serve people. Love people. Amen.


Couple months after writing this:
Adyashanti helped a lot with making an easier transition from awakening to abiding. There is nowhere to stand, thus you are allowed to stand wherever. In many ways "enlightenment" is extremely ordinary. In every moment we must awaken to what is. Everything is already perfect and awakened. The seeker is sought.
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Tommy M, modified 10 Years ago.

RE: The story that doesn't end

Posts: 1199 Join Date: 11/12/10 Recent Posts
By the "medicine" I'm assuming you're referring to LSD?

I'll say a few things here which you're free to disagree with, and which you may not appreciate but I ask you to hear me out. I've had a lot of experience exploring the magickal path through psychedelics, entheogens, research chemicals and other approaches, from LSD to 5-MeO-DMT, and none of them have ever made the permanent changes I've attained through magick and meditation. You can't shit a bullshitter, drop all the "medicine" ballocks and cut to the chase. You took acid and tripped balls. End of story. Romanticizing it after the fact does no one any good and no one's really interested in trip stories, if you want that then go to Erowid.

What's your current claim to attainment then? From your writing I assume that you consider yourself to be enlightened, to some degree at least, so what's your best guess as "where" you are? When did this occur? How long has it been since you experienced this "mini awakening"?

What's you current practice? Could you explain a bit more about what happens during these practices?

If you want a diagnosis based on what you've said so far, and with little indication of what actual practice you are, or have been, engaged in I'd say you've hit the Arising & Passing, or possibly that you've attained Stream Entry but it's pure speculation and should be taken with a pinch of salt until we can discuss the details further.

I'll pick out a few quotes from what you've said and offer a few suggestions which may help you a little.

I now understand where christ was coming from

Arising & Passing Away, Tiphareth/Adeptus Major in the Western mystery tradition, the Sacrificed King etc etc, the symbolism is fairly universal for this stage.

This was nirvana

Not in the sense that this word is used on here, or within Buddhism in general although I stand to be corrected here, nirvana/nibbana, is cessation, non-experience. It's not a state, a level of awareness or anything you can understand so I'd suggest dropping this label until you're more familiar with what you're trying to describe.

The only difference between awakening and non awakening is this: there is no attachment to thoughts, feelings, or rather anything.

Is it? You seem awfully sure of that.

Your posting, overall, sounds very much like the Arising & Passing if I'm being honest. There are hints and suggestions that you've tried vipassana at some point but you also talk a lot about concentration too. It's a very enthusiastic, but muddled post and I'd be interested to hear more about what's going on for you right now. Don't take this reply as some sort of insult, it's just very easy to get overly confident at this point on the Path and think you've further ahead than you actually are only to have the Dark Night knock the living shit out of you!

Either way, welcome to the DhO and hopefully you'll stick around to talk some more!
Albert Hong, modified 10 Years ago.

RE: The story that doesn't end

Posts: 7 Join Date: 2/26/11 Recent Posts
I am just telling my story. LSD opened the window and meditation brought me to where I am supposed to go. I am not advocating LSD. Lol


What's your current claim to attainment then?
There is nothing to attain other than finding your "true self". Which is in fact what you already are.
I am not claiming anything. There is nothing to claim.


What's you current practice? Could you explain a bit more about what happens during these practices?
My "seeking" that I previously practiced was just straight zazen. I would sit and just watch things arise and fall. Then when I was in the mood, I would ask questions. For example, I would ask the question, "Who am I?" and I would feel that question. The question itself has no answer and I looked for no answer. I felt the sense of not knowing. I abided in that not knowing and just continued with my zazen. If something brought more attention, I would bring my awareness to that.


When it comes down to it I feel the same for the most part. The ego still exists but it's seen as a personality structure build upon thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. I no longer cling to this personality structure as a sense of self. It is what it is though. To my family and my friends, I still am the same person. I still have the same quirks. I like pizza and I like to skateboard. So I do have a sense of self, but there is a space that is before all that. I want to call it silent awareness or the stillness within, but words cannot describe it accurately. The "presence" feels like a vast empty space and at the same time it feels like a fullness as well.

Throughout most of the day, I abide in that space. In the last couple of days though, this "presence" has been lowered down to my chest area. It kind of reminds me of when I used to be in love. The sense of heaviness and openness.

My daily practice is simple. When a thought appears and makes an assumption about something. I question it.
The question can lead to two answers. A conceptual answer (which is my ego). Or the silence.

When the answer is the silence, I feel that. I've been doing this for a couple months now and there is less and less of thoughts that assert themselves.

I do have a fear of dogs, which stems from my past conditioning. I do go near dogs and fear does arises. But this fear arises as a physical phenomena and I do not attach to it. Behind all the physical and mental phenomena, there is space where none of that touches.

My previous drive to meditate has dropped substantially. I do meditate in the morning, but I find that every moment is a chance to meditate. Every moment is a chance to watch and hear what is in front of me. What is preventing me right now from leaving everything as it is? This is what my focus is. Hope this clears things up. Please ask question!
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Tommy M, modified 10 Years ago.

RE: The story that doesn't end

Posts: 1199 Join Date: 11/12/10 Recent Posts
I never mentioned the advocation of LSD, I was just saying that we should drop the bullshit and talk about it without getting into this faux-shamanic "medicine" crap. I'm neither for or against the whole psychonaut approach, it's up to the person involved whether they're willing to take that risk since, as you know yourself, psychedelics in particular are very unstable and the results unreliable. Another discussion for another time though but don't construe my stance as being either pro- or anti- anything.

There is nothing to attain other than finding your "true self". Which is in fact what you already are.
I am not claiming anything. There is nothing to claim.


I ask because this community generally focuses on techniques, the application therof and the results obtained. As such, most of us tend to use the Theravadan 4-Path model and so my question was asked in a effort to clarify your current experience and make discussion easier. The level of realization you point to seems to suggest, to me at least, that you believe you've attained what's referred to here as arahatship, or 4th path.

My "seeking" that I previously practiced was just straight zazen. I would sit and just watch things arise and fall. Then when I was in the mood, I would ask questions. For example, I would ask the question, "Who am I?" and I would feel that question. The question itself has no answer and I looked for no answer. I felt the sense of not knowing. I abided in that not knowing and just continued with my zazen. If something brought more attention, I would bring my awareness to that.


So you do have experience of a technique which people here are familiar with? Good! That's a start.

My own knowledge of zazen is limited so I can't comment on that at present. However, the questioning you refer to and the "felt" answers that followed remind me of 6th samatha jhana, or perhaps the experience of sitting in the "I". Kenneth Folk has a wonderful take on this which may be of interest to you, he calls it 2nd Gear and I've found similar experiences to those you mention while practicing this. Again, the interpretation I'm giving here is based on my understanding of the words you've said and my own experience so please correct me if I'm mistaken.

What brought you to the DhO? Why are you posting the details of your attainment/awakening/enlightenment? What's the reason for this? What do you want from this? If you say "Nothing" I'll boot you in the swingers 'cause you're still looking, otherwise you wouldn't be here, so be honest with yourself. You could deceive or mislead people, which I don't think is your intention, and it would do you no good, bring no fundamental insight, and lead to a whole stack of suffering which is what we're all trying to eradicate here!

Here's some speculation on what you've added to your posting:

Given your added information, I can't possibly make any sort of diagnosis beyond what I said earlier. I'd still stick to considering that you've quite possibly attained stream entry, but over and above that I have no idea. Your description of your current experience may be subject to a bit of hyperbole due to the limitations of expressing these things in written form and I'm always skeptical of that. Don't take this as an insult, I'd rather be honest and have you think I'm a prick than feed you bullshit.

There's a chance that you've stumbled upon "direct perpection", or the PCE (Pure Consciousness Experience). This is kinda grey area for me, I don't want to get involved in an AF vs. Dharma debate so I'll steer clear of saying too much about this. Basically, the way you describe seeing everything as beautiful, loving existence etc etc is the sort of description I would associate with this mode of perception. I see PCE as just another mode of perception, the permanent attainment of this mode is now referred to as "Actual Freedom", personally I have no interest in pursuing this as the final goal although there's a fair amount of experienced people on here who could discuss AF/PCE further with you if you wanted.

The comment about "What is preventing me right now from leaving everything as it is?" suggests to me that you're getting into this mode of perception, and slipping back out by trying to figure it out while it's occurring. Would I be correct in saying that you're unable to be aware of any "negative" emotion while experiencing this?

Another thing to consider is that you may have crossed the A&P through taking LSD, I believe this is quite a common thing to happen and have experienced this myself, and may, through the subsequent changes in your relationship with the world brought about by that event which led you to meditation, have set you on the way to 1st Path, Stream Entry. If you've come from a Zen background, or at least techniques which are not vipassana or samatha, then it would be worth discussing these terms with someone more familiar with this.

The practice you say you're currently doing doesn't sound very familiar to me, beyond the self-enquiry stuff, so, again, it would probably be of more use to you to discuss it with someone more experienced in these techniques.

I get the impression from your post that you're trying to emphasize just how "normal" you are post-awakening, if indeed that is the case, and can understand your desire to do so. You may very well have attained 4th, 3rd, 2nd, 1st or 157th Path, you may have got some heretofore unknown attainment, you may be experiencing PCE mode, you may be totally deluded. Only time and practice will tell, other than that there's not much for it!

Good luck anyway and thanks for taking the time to clarify.
Albert Hong, modified 10 Years ago.

RE: The story that doesn't end

Posts: 7 Join Date: 2/26/11 Recent Posts
Thanks for the response. I just wanted to share my experiences. People will take what they want from it. If they relate, cool. If not, oh well. It is what it is. Hope the best for you and everyone else!
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Tommy M, modified 10 Years ago.

RE: The story that doesn't end

Posts: 1199 Join Date: 11/12/10 Recent Posts
It is what it is


What is?
Albert Hong, modified 10 Years ago.

RE: The story that doesn't end

Posts: 7 Join Date: 2/26/11 Recent Posts
Everything and that presupposes nothing. We as humans think and then create subjectivity. Before thinking there is no separation between you and the universe. Think and you create duality and division. You thinking. My thinking. His thinking. Her thinking. So it is what it is. Everything as it is without thinking is the goal, which already is here right now. But hey, this is only the finger pointing to the moon. Meh.
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Tommy M, modified 10 Years ago.

RE: The story that doesn't end

Posts: 1199 Join Date: 11/12/10 Recent Posts
So what's there before the thought?

Duality isn't created through thought alone, thought is just a bundle of sensations as is every other observable phenomenon.

I'm not talking about the finger, I want to know what you're pointing at. I'm not saying you're making stuff up or that I don't understand, believe, or even relate to, your story about "awakening" (I use inverted commas as we both use this term in different ways), I'm genuinely interested in hearing more about what you believe has changed in your relationship towards phenomena since that time.

Also, you haven't said when this change occurred and I'd be interested to know how long you've been living with this new sense of awareness. You're probably thinking that I'm just trying to be an asshole, apologies for that but my style of writing can seem quite abrupt. I'd be very happy if you have found freedom from fundamental suffering and would love to hear more about your meditations prior to this!
Albert Hong, modified 10 Years ago.

RE: The story that doesn't end

Posts: 7 Join Date: 2/26/11 Recent Posts
I am sorry if none of this makes sense. I write quite fluid and care little about grammar and such.



Before thought is the silent observer, awareness, consciousness (whatever you want to label it).
Post enlightenment is a shift from ego consciousness (clinging to thoughts, feelings, objects) to normal awakened consciousness, which exists in the background prior to enlightenment. After enlightenment the awareness is in the foreground and mental objects are in the background. So that is the first shift. The second shift occurs when identification from awareness is let go.

So our true nature is the silent observer. We consider this to be an object or a mental formation, but when we turn awareness onto itself, we learn that we are the silent observer. That silent observer is our "Self" and the ego is our "self". A lot of people get trapped in this "Self" but once the Self is seen as empty then the process is complete. Emptiness of emptiness. Ad infinitum.

Heart Sutra:
Form is emptiness and emptiness is form.
This sums up what I am talking about. First you realize that you yourself are empty (realization of Self). Then you see emptiness in all form (Self and self are seen as empty).

Duality in my definition is something that is asserted. So in language we say that there is an apple. To say there is an apple is a positive statement. This positive statement automatically assumes its opposite. For there to be an apple there has to be the potential for a lack of an apple. Thus the duality of an apple is both of existence and non-existence. Duality can be also be seen in opposites. For there to be good there needs to be evil. Good and evil are relational and one cannot exist without the other. Sound cannot exist without silence. Form cannot exist without a background. Though we can abstractly think about form without a background, but we couldn't come to the notion of form without a notion of background. For in reality everything exists in duality when we try to overlay a conceptual framework around reality.

So when we try to describe a part of reality, we divide. We create separation, even though we aren't always aware of it.

To stop duality is to stop thinking. As soon as we assert or deny something using language we divide reality.
So you can dance with the paradoxes and cancel it out. Like there is no apple. There is an apple. These two possibilities can exist in reality. Or you can just leave reality as it is.


What I am pointing at cannot be described in language because of what I wrote above. To talk about it is to divide it and that removes it from the context. When we look at something and hear something that is pure experience. When we talking about that experience we create duality and are removed from the present situation at hand. So I can talk about an experience I just had, but that puts it in the past. And I can talk about an event which hasn't occurred that that would be the future. In each moment when we talk, we are removed from the actual experience and moment. So when we are in the moment, we should just experience it. Let things be. In that way we do not create duality. I am pointing to that which cannot be talked about.

What has changed for me personally is my identification with everything. There is no inside and outside anymore. There are no object/subject relationships. But to say they don't exist would be a lie as well. Because there is a difference between you and I. But that difference is only based on personality structures (memories, genes, etc). Absolutely there is no real, substantial difference between you and I. So when I hear a noise, that noise is me and not me. If you logically break down everything into truth tables. That sound is me. That sound isn't me. That sound is me and isn't me. You take a stance with all of those and that basically means that you also take no stance lol.

It has been about two months since my initial awakening. In the beginning, the sense of awakening was in and out but I've realized what I am looking for is right in front of me. The "presence" has been anchored around my head because I came to my awakening through a more rational approach (self inquiry). Whereas some people come through love (metta) or whatever.

I was told abiding awakening eventually come down to the heart and that's where it abides as you mature.

I have found freedom from suffering. Now I have a choice to choose what I want to do. Karma itself is empty though I do have karmic tendencies. So that is my work. What is preventing me from leaving everything as it is? To want something else is clinging and karma. If I am mindful, I can at that moment let go of that seed that can potentially unfold. There are a couple things I do. If my sense of self asserts itself and says no to something, then I know to say yes. Or I ask a question to it and if I get an answer which is conceptual, then that is ego answering ego. When I ask a question and no answer comes back (silence) then I just abide in that silence.

I come from a Korean zen background. In Korean zen the purpose is the point back to your true nature. We ask the question, "Who am I" and if we are honest we get this sense of not knowing. The goal is to keep that not knowing with you whatever you are doing. So when I eat, I keep don't know mind. Etc. When I am doing something, I do it 100% without thinking.

The idea is that when you keep this not knowing mind you automatically shut thinking off. When we don't search for an answer we realize we ourselves are the answer. This is no a conceptual understanding but an existential realization. Zen master Seung Sahn brought this method from Korea to America.


Everything in existence is already awakened. It is awakening every moment. How do we move? How do we see? How do we know we are thinking? How do we hear? It is awareness itself we are looking for. Hence the seeker is sought.
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Paul S., modified 10 Years ago.

RE: The story that doesn't end

Posts: 196 Join Date: 8/16/10 Recent Posts
Albert Hong:

I have found freedom from suffering. Now I have a choice to choose what I want to do.


Can you explain what you mean by this freedom? Are you talking about an emotional freedom? You say you very much experience love so I guess there can be fear as well? Funny how non-duality doesn't apply to emotions.

Albert Hong:

I come from a Korean zen background. In Korean zen the purpose is the point back to your true nature. We ask the question, "Who am I" and if we are honest we get this sense of not knowing. The goal is to keep that not knowing with you whatever you are doing. So when I eat, I keep don't know mind. Etc. When I am doing something, I do it 100% without thinking.


This is interesting. What do you mean by no thinking, do you mean no verbal thought? Why must not knowing imply no thoughts? Anyway it's fascinating to learn about your experiences, can you explain further what practices you follow(ed)?
Albert Hong, modified 10 Years ago.

RE: The story that doesn't end

Posts: 7 Join Date: 2/26/11 Recent Posts
There are two truths in Buddhism: Absolute and relative. The relative is part of the Absolute and the Absolute is part of the relative. They exist with each other.

The absolute truth is the silent awareness, which is everything. Everything as in everything. There is nothing that isn't the silent awareness, emptiness, whatever you want to call it. From there you can deconstruct that everything into ideas,etc thus making a relative truth.

So with my experience those two truths are extremely clear. Before I understood relative truths but I never understood Absolute truths. They were all paradoxical and made no sense. Now I realize, all the koans and paradoxes point to the Absolute.

This freedom gives you a choice now. There is the ever constant foreground of awareness, which is always there. And then there are thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc. Which are always there. Though there are fewer and fewer as the days go by. I can choose to really think about things deeply. Or not. I can choose to really feel something deeply. Or not. I can choose to really believe in something. Or not. Everything is seen as first empty but relatively real.

My thinking has been really practical as well. I think about thing I need to do, then I stop thinking about it. Thinking has turned into just a computer without its "Ai". Feeling has been interesting as well. I can feel love for someone and be totally detached on one level. I can also feel anger. This anger come and goes. But there is no attachment to any of these. So I feel and think but there is no attachment. There is a real sense of emptiness of it all. But at the same time I can act in the world. I can choose to do things. I can go buy a pair of shoes.

But all these "effects" have no causes. All conditions are dropped. So in the past I'd go buy a pair of shoes to look good. Now I would go buy a pair of shoes to buy a pair of shoes. There is no reason but for the sake of itself.

Like doing artwork when we were kids. Well I did anyways. You just did it. It was fun. You went to recess because it was fun.

So now you're thinking. Well about about bills? What about life? What about relationships, etc.
Well I am finishing up my last semester in college atm. What I learned is that "you do what is most obvious in the situation you are in".

I don't know my future. It is all just open potential. So in the moment, I realize that I need money, then I get a job. If someone comes to me and is hungry, I feed them. If someone needs comforting, I comfort them. All this is automatic. Before my thinking and felt sense of separation prevented me from actually helping people. So you do what is most obvious.

In the beginning I had a hard time coping with dealing with family and friends. That was my work. I treat them now with respect. I mean I hate my dad. But you really do see him as a part of you as well. So in that sense you can love someone, not romantically, but just out of awe that we are in this world together. You see all his insecurities and flaws and you see what is behind all that as well. His buddha nature. At times he's awake to it, at times he's sleeping. My personality structure clashes with his personality structure (notice how our true natures aren't involved) and that is my work. The people who give me a hard time are my teachers now.

So how does this relate to relationships on a personal level.
Well my girl friend has dealt with my bullshit for two years. She notices the change in me. Though she says that it gradually happened over a year. There is no hierarchy to love. You love everything and everyone equally. I don't even know if the word love is right. It's like romantic love but it isn't. I don't know how to describe it. So I love everyone equally. But at the same time my personality structure (ego) which doesn't disappear but it now exists as like a pair of shoes might not click with the person I am talking to. So meeting people with personality structures that click is just icing on the cake. The cake being the love you have for everyone. I don't know if that is clear enough.

Non duality needs duality. Emotions need no emotions. Thoughts need no thoughts. Everything needs its opposite. Everything is accepted. Everything is rejected. We are just caging reality. When we don't cage reality truth is. But from the vantage point of having no vantage point even the caged reality is truth.




What do I mean by no thinking. No mind.
When you ask a question that has no answer. Say like, who created God? (silence). Notice the silence that occurs afterwards. The sense of not knowing. No one knows that answer, assuming that there is a God. Any question will do. This is how a koan functions. It functions to hit that wall. You use your words to go beyond the words. So when we get intimate with hitting that wall and feeling the sense of not knowing (neck down). Then it is possible for satori or a brief awakening or a full awakening, who knows?

I jumped around in my practices. My main practice is shikantaza meditation. I come from an art background, so concentration was no problem. I like the idea of just sitting and doing nothing. Watching things come and go. Accepting it all. Allowing it to be. So that is my main practice.

At times throughout the day I would watch my mind. I would ask myself, "who am I?" and deconstruct my thoughts and feelings. When "the commenter" or my "inner dialogue" appeared I questioned it. Then I felt that silence. The sense of not knowing. The spacious feeling within. Kind of like the nothingness we avoid our whole lives.

I am not going to lie to you. I did LSD a few time prior to this. What I learned from those experiences are invaluable. Though I do not wish anyone to take it. I had a healthy environment and a healthy mindset. What I learned was that what I was looking for is nothing but the NOW.

You must remember that you can only awaken right now in this moment. There is no tomorrow or yesterday. Throw all that away and just keep that not knowing mind. Beginners mind. Whatever you want to call it. Just be. Watch things. Release tensions here and there. And your natural state of consciousness will appear in front of you, when you are ready. It's already there. It is nothing you achieve. It's nothing to find. It appears to you. When there is less of you, there is more of it. What you are looking for is what is looking out of the eyes.

So this might ring something to someone. Or not. Don't take these words too seriously. All conceptual knowledge is but a fragment of truth. Truth is all encompassing, thus it is nothing as well. Form is emptiness, emptiness is form. Let go of everything and what are you left with?
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Tommy M, modified 10 Years ago.

RE: The story that doesn't end

Posts: 1199 Join Date: 11/12/10 Recent Posts
Thanks very much for posting so much detail there Albert, really appreciate you taking the time to do so.

I think that, in my opinion for what it's worth, you've got it, you've done considerable work to attain this but I didn't see that in your previous postings. You could help a lot of people on here, it's cool to have you around and I look forward to speaking to you in future. Hopefully you can understand my initial skepticism, think of it as a welcoming hug...Ha!

Thanks again,
Tommy
Albert Hong, modified 10 Years ago.

RE: The story that doesn't end

Posts: 7 Join Date: 2/26/11 Recent Posts
No problemo! If anyone has any questions, I'd love to answer them! Anything to help.

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