Hi folks!

2019-11-27 : 45 min : alternating between focusing on the breath at the nose and focusing on the breath through the full body

• Hearing high-pitched burning/ringing at 3-5 Hz throughout the sit
• Seeing occasional light blobs in the visual field
• Fair/ok posture (required correction several times)
• Occasional burning sensation through the nostrils
• At one point, during a switch to full-body following the breath, a sense of yearning or longing was followed by several waves of pleasure
• Switched from full-body back to following the breath at the nostrils when distractions were noticed during the sit

Currently reading

• TMI - Stage Six / Sixth Interlude
• MCTB2 - Jumping around a bunch
  
  • Read I through I.4
  • Read most of IV
  • Reading V
  • Planning to go through II and III next

Next in reading queue/interests

• Something by Bill Hamilton (Maybe The Spiritual Quest of a Scientific Mind or Saints and Psychopaths?)
• Something fun (maybe dharma-related, maybe not... considering Good Sex by Jessica Graham?)

Best wishes,
Jey

2019-11-29 : 30 min : alternating between focusing on the breath at the nose and focusing on the breath through the full body

• Background noise was fainter and the frequency was more difficult to discern
• Fewer light blobs in the visual field
• During the first shift from following the breath at the nostrils to following the breath in the whole body, more distractions seemed to arise.
• Shifted back to the nostrils in an attempt to quiet everything down.
• Even back at the nostrils, the breath seemed forced, intense, and a big ragged. (e.g. "pushing" too hard.)
• Eventually (20min in?) calmed and settled down, quieter, smoother, slower breath
• Watched peripherally to avoid dullness
• After things quieted down, when waves of pleasure came this time, I consciously tried to avoid speeding up or forcing the breath
• It seemed that the calmer altered the experience of the pleasure waves, made everything easier to perceive, made the experience less "nervous" (for lack of a better word)
• Pleasure waves were the most noticeable in the space between the in-breath and the out-breath, but the calmer breathing revealed indications that the pleasure was present continuously

No major reading changes.

2019-11-30 : 1 hr 15 min : Following breath at the nostrils

Wow; I am so grateful for the opportunity to sit

• While doing the initial "Motivation -> Goals -> Expectations ..." preparation from TMI, the sensation of breath in the nostrils suddenly came to the forefront of attention.
• Background noise at 3-4 Hz
• Noticed breath was forced initially, relaxed
• Breath sensations became less intense, "smaller", had to focus on finer details to follow them
• Relaxed posture
• Sense of calm, effortlessness, relaxation
• Blobs in the visual field started to dissolve to little dots
• Sense of calm increased
• Stayed sitting for 30 min more after the initial 45 min timer rang
• Effect of seeing little dots persisted after opening eyes (still happening now about 45 min after ending the sit)

Some additional thoughts or takeaways:

• This sit has nudged me in the direction of "more practice, less reading"
• I intend to go to bed consistently to get up in time for more practice

Planning to pause reading MCTB2 for now (Finished I.14 last night)
Might consult TMI here and there as things progress.

Best wishes!
Jey

2019-12-01 : 30 min : Following breath at nostrils and in full body

I had a runny nose and other cold symptoms.

• More distractions than usual arose, especially at the beginning
• Spontaneously (w/o conscious intention), switched from nose to full-body following the breath and felt some pleasure waves
• The sensations felt a bit duller than usual
• Returning to nose breath afterward, felt deeper focus
  
  • Heard bg noise more clearly (seemed faster cycles, wasn't quite sure)
  • Visual blobs dissolved to dots

This might be my last post for a few days since I go back to full-time employment tomorrow.

I'm still planning to practice daily.

Readings are currently paused, although based on the recommendations from MCTB2, Mahasi Sayadaw's Practical Insight Meditation might move up in the queue.

Best wishes to all of you!

2019-12-02 : 30 min : Following breath at nostrils and in body

• still had some cold symptoms
• anxiety/planning arose
• distractions
• moments of deep calm
• noticing the 3 characteristics in the breath

2019-12-03 : 35 min : Following breath at nostrils and in body : start at 20:00 EST

Wow. That was weird.

• light shaking
• visualizations of fireworks
• visualizations of the sentence "I do not exist" spelled out in letters
• sense of waves of relief
• light pain in the upper-right forehead (near eyebrow)
• flickering in visual field after opening eyes
• lots of distractions
• unusual phenomena were most present after full-body practice

I praticed in the evening because I overslept my usual practice time

2019-12-04 : 35 min : following breath at nostrils and in body : start 06:22 EST

Calmer sit.

• some distractions, especially early
• light twitching
• two or three times waves of pleasure followed full-body breath practice
• toward the end, a greater calm set in

Short 3-5 min breaks during daily life allow the opportunity to return to that calm.

2019-12-05 : 1 hr 10 min : following breath at nostrils and in body : start 19:00 EST

• earlier on, more distractions
• over time, settled down
• deeper calm
• good feelings toward self and others
• monk/elephant mental imagery (from pictures at the beginning of each chapter of TMI?)
• some vibrations, especiallly in fingertips and outside of nose
• brief pain in the upper right forehead
• visual dots
• ringing in ears (louder than previous sit)

I practiced in the evening because I went on a long internal dialogue this morning during the normal practice time.
I resolved this evening to spend another week without extensive reading to give myself more time to practice.

2019-12-06 : 40 min : following breath at nostrils and in body : start around 06:15 EST

• More distractions at beginning, gradually subsided
• Stronger intention to follow breath at start of sit and in daily life
• Full body breath led to clearer waves of pleasure
• Waves of pleasure lasted longer
• Easer to sense pleasure during entire breath cycle, not just during pauses
• Returning to breath at nose after full body practice, the sensations at the nose were "higher resolution", easier to perceive in detail
• Full-body breath and pleasure waves seem good for training the mind to pay close attention
• Holding intention to follow breath then releasing effort seems to work well

2019-12-06 : 50 min : following breath at nostrils and in body : start 21:35 EST

• distractions at beginning
• calmed down during sit
• clearer background noise, more tones
• interesting phenomenon when I opeend my eyes at end of sit
  
  • usual dots flashed into lines
  • felt observation "speed up"
  • felt intense feeling like anxiety but less scary
  • felt very attentive

2019-12-07 : 1 hr 52 min : following breath at nostrils and in body : start 06:10 EST

Went with two 45-min periods on the timer today

• distractions were present early
• some buried memories of emotional conflict came up during early part of this sit and everyday life yesterday afternoon
• full body practice led to some pleasure waves
• distraction interrupted the pleasure waves
• anxiety arose around dullness and distractions
• focused back in at nostrils and continued the sit
• things got quieter, distractions fewer
• calm settled in, gaps between throughts were much longer
• found thinking about what to write to be a distraction
• for the second 45 min session, resolved to just sit and not plan diary entry
• calm continued, grew in face of fewer and fewer distractions
• after opening eyes, calm still available, even in the face of strong physical sensations
• resolved to grow that calm and integrate it into my life

Also, I have been bowing and mentally expressing gratitude to my teachers and all meditators at the end of each sit.
It has felt really good and been positive so far.

2019-12-08 : 55 min : Following breath at nostrils, abdomen, and body : 06:20 - 07:15 EST

• Started sit after being awake in bed for about 2 hours
• Had a brighter light on in the room
• Both of these two seemed to reduce dullness and increase clarity
• Started the full body breath practice earlier in the sit
• Waves of pleasure were clearer than normal
• At one point during the full body breath practice, more intense energy with light shaking was present
• Following the breath at the nostrils afterward was clearer than last sit, with some vibrations noticeable, especially during the in-breath
• Right nostril was more open
• Right ear heard background noise more clearly
• Pushed toward releasing effort after the 45 min bell
• I think this sit sets a new standard for clarity
• Fewer distractions and those distractions that were present ended faster also
• Resolving to "Wake up!" before sitting going forward

After the sit, while making breakfast for my spouse, I had an experience of that intense, anxiety-like focus feeling. The wall started to flicker in my vision, and I could more clearly sense vibrations in the breath. It felt more awake.

2019-12-09 : 30 min : 06:30 - 07:00

- Great sit!
- Showering before the sit helped improve concentration
- Waves of plesaure were good
- "Don't block the joy"
- Even deep breathing can be "effortless"
- Resolved to feel and insight into emotional experiences and pleasure waves
- Ended with feeling of insight into sense of not having a single, solid self
- Insight into that smile/smirk that appears often on Buddha statues

2019-12-10 : 42 min : 07:00 - 07:42 : Following breath at nostrils, in abdomen, and in body

- Earlier on, more distractions (spouse and I both getting ready)
- Felt positive feelings earlier when focused on breath at nostrils
- More distractions arose
- Lots of mental imagery
- Focused on "back to breath"
- Followed breath in the whole body
- Clear, distinct pleasure waves washed throughout the body
- Returning to the breath at nostrils
- Fewer distractions and greater calm was present at the end of the sit

2019-12-11 : 25 min : 10:15 - 10:40
- Energy arising while following breath at nostrils
- Moderate level of distractions
- Setting a strong intention to follow the breath helped reduce distractions

2019-12-12 : 37 min : 18:31 - 19:08
- Rougher sit
- Distractions and dullness were present
- Lots of work-related distractions
- Wanting to get up before the timer / desire to arise from the sit
- Side note: following the breath in the full body led to fascinating sensations

2019-12-13 : 06:50 - 07:20
- Better sit
- Clearer introspective awareness
- Caught distractions sooner
- Some distractions arose because my spouse and I were getting ready at the same time
- Following the breath in the full body led to lighter waves of pleasure
- After pleasure waves, the focus shifted to the breath at nostrils, with some distractions
- Felt breath vibrations in nostrils after the timer sounded the end of the sit

2019-12-14 : 06:30 - 07:00
- Similar to yesterday's sit
- Sitting on the floor instead of a chair
- Some distractions arose
- I was more fidgety than when sitting in a chair
- Felt full-body pleasure waves after focusing on breath sensations in the full body
- Returning to the breath at the nostrils after full-body breath practice
- Still some distractions
- Things got quiet toward the end of the sit
- Followed Mahasi-style noting practice after the sit
- Found it easier to maintain awareness via noting
- Legs feeling ok after standing at the end of the sit

Reading
Practical Insight Meditation by Mahasi Sayadaw, The Mind Illuminated by John Yates, Matthew Immergut, and Jeremy Graves: Stage Seven and Walking Meditation Appendix


2019-12-14 : 08:07 - 08:33
- More distractions, especially around the family visit I am currently experiencing
- Full body breath practice led to pleasure waves
- Focusing back on the breath at the nostrils led to more clarity and calm
- I am enjoying walking meditation a lot

2019-12-16 : 05:52 - 06:23
- Wow
- Per TMI, resolved to stay in pleasure waves/jhana longer and go deeper
- Took longer to access (because of sleepiness?) but when there, twitchy energy was present in the whole body
- Felt "solider" and "deeper" pleasure waves than previous sits
- Left the pleasure waves and then returned once
- Noticed after leaving the pleasure waves the second time, it's possible to focus on the "screen" (black background) in visual awareness when the eyes are closed to keep distractions from taking over attention
- Focus on the screen, focus on the light blobs or other visualizations
- Resolved to practice walking meditation and focus on breathing sensations today
- TMI and Mahasi insight reading on weekend, walking meditation ad lib on the weekend. All these were helpful/valuable.

2019-12-17 06:05 - 06:52
- Good sit!
- Easier to focus on the screen
- Emotionally charged distracting thoughts seemed farther away in awareness
- Focus on breath seemed clearer
- Several rounds of full-body breath practice led "past" the shaky/twitchy phase to calmer, clearer waves of energy
- The wasves seemed clearer and seemed to originate from a more specific center point
- Quieting down and releasing effort toward the end of the sit
- Balancing attention on the "blank screen" of closed eyes and breath sensations with introspective awareness while releasing effort felt like riding a bike

Drew a diagram with two paths:

             /  - Judging Self - Hurry / Frustration
- Comparing  |
             \ - Judging Others - Disdain / Judgment

             /  - Kindness to self
- Growing   |
             \ - Kindness to others



2019-12-18 : 07:34 - 08:35 : Focused mainly on breath at nostrils
- More stable focus on the "blank screen"
- Fewer distractions
- Sense of tension lines between myself and others snapping
- Wishing others well and showing them new ways of being
- Accepting self and others
- Much less hurried

2019-12-19 : 05:50 - 07:02 : Focused on breath sensations at nostrils
- New mindset: every sit is a good sit
- Started with distractions, dullness, and gross mind wandering
- Tightened focus and applied effort
- Things got quieter and clearer
- Some distractions, especially around planning
- Earlier in the day, I had a short interrupted sit where I started on the "pleasure focus" practice
   - First, I felt and focused on tingling in the face
   - Then, tingling in the face subsided
   - Next, I focused on tingling in the right hand
   - I felt the tingling expand to the full hand
   - I was interrupted
   - I practice while walking and standing in line
   - I felt tingling in both hands while continuing to practice
- Also of note, yesterday evening, anxiety seemed to feed into insight practice and made it easier to sense vibrations and speed up perception. I am intrigued to read more of Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha later to see if it covers this topic.

2019-12-20 11:53 - 12:18
- following the breath at the nose
- distracted by family members talking in another nearby room
- focused temporarily on pulses of sound in my ears (focusing tigher seemed to make the sound pulse louder... was I flexing some facial muscles?)
- felt vibrations within the breath
- felt relieved or release
- stability of breath and lack of verbal thoughts or mental imagery seemed like positive developments

2019-12-21 09:08 - 09:38
- Practiced focusing on pleasure sensations in the hands
- Practiced focusing on breath sensations at the nostrils
- Pleasure waves spread to toes and core
- When returning to the breat at the nostrils, sensations were clearer
- Distractions from spouse in the room and from planning
- Returned and focused on the breath
- Noticed light blobs in the visual field. (The room was dark.)

2019-12-21 09:08 - 09:38
- Practiced focusing on pleasure sensations in the hands
- Practiced focusing on breath at the nostrils
- Pleasure waves spread to toes and core
- When returning to the breat at the nostrils, sensations were clearer
- Distractions arose from hearing my spouse in the rooming and planning the day
- Returned and focused on the breath
- Noticed light blobs in visual field with eyes closed in a dark room

2019-12-22 07:35 - 08:07
- Felt anxiety occurring at the beginning of the sit
- Chose to focus on breath sensations
- Felt a good opportunity to "go effortless"
- Noticed pulses of louder background noise in my ears and increased salivation
- Some ssmaller energy pulses arose also in the body
- Attempted to accept each sensation and bring focus back to the breath
- Toward the end of the sit, resolved to return to the breath throughout the day

- Mindful Review
   - Need to pay closer attention to spouse's words when choosing a seat at the restaurant

2019-12-23 07:45 - 08:30
- Focused on breath at nostrils
- At beginning, experienced more distractions by thoughts
- At end, experienced more distractions by sensations of spinning or noise in ears or feeling off-balance
- For both, came back to the breath
- Also felt moments of relief, calm, or joy
- Outside of core sits, the idea of "letting vibrations reveal themselves" from MCTB2 has been very helpful.

2019-12-24 05:32 - 06:14
- Focused on the pleasure sensations in the hands
- Experienced spinning sensations
- Experienced light blobs (lit room)
- Some distractions, especially around planning
- Felt calm, positive
- Resolved to hold positive/metta intentions toward family members
- Resolved to following the breath at night, especially when waking up with anxiety

Interested to read In the Buddha's Words by Bhikkhu Bodhi

Mindful Review
- Noticed that during time of being anxious I checked my phone
- Noticed that anxiety was occurring during some interactions with family
- Noticed that anxiety increased when I did not intervene during interpersonal conflict

2019-12-25 07:21 - 07:51
- Following breath at nostrils
- Used focus and effort to get stable attention at the beginning of the sit
- Waited 35 min after waking up to become more awake
- Experienced flashes of light and what felt like head bobbing
- Experienced brief memories (aka purifications) as one image flash or one string of words
- Experienced salivation
- Used intention to let each manifestation come, be, and go
- It's getting easier to sense the breath amongst all the activity
- Resolving to stay mindful today

Mindful Review
- Instead of jumping from feeling relational discomfort to cutting off the relationship
- Taking time to feel and experience the layers of discomfort before making a decision
- I resolve to reduce or avoid snap judgments (coworkers, family, etc)
- I resolve to feel and experience discomfort and anxiety occurring without jumping into a place of judgment
- I resolve to let go of the need to be seen as a decisive leader
- I resolve to move more slowly and let ambiguity exist in my decision making

2019-12-25 10:26 - 10:34
- Experienced pleasure focus leading to intense pleasure feeling with some twitching
- Was able to sustain and re-enter this state with eyes open and making occasional verbal statements
- It is getting easier to converse without narration and symbolic thought

2019-12-25 13:30 - 14:30
- Focused on breath at nostrils
- Things got noticeably calmer and quieter
- Resolved to stay there for a while , return there often, and use that place as "home base"

2019-12-26 07:55 - 08:26
- Used "close following" technique to pick up small, fine breath breath sensations
- Felt the "adrenaline rush" of faster, more detailed sense of breath
- Felt light shaking in my whole body
- Finer sensations felt at the tip of the nose
- Brief flashes of imagery of decay (apple decaying, human person decaying)

Mindful Review
- Regret not staying mindful during board games, movie watching, and night driving
- Need better peripheral awareness when driving, especially in deer-filled areas at night
- I resolve to take more breath breaks during those activities and have more metacognitive awareness
- I will recompense by showing a calm, peaceful demeanor to my spouse
- I intend to let go of a "boundaries-first" mindset and focusing on avoiding or reducing harm.
- I intend to drop strong ultraskeptical, ultralogical "self-protection"
- I intend to drop strong financial "self-protection"
- I am grateful that I sat during the night when I woke up. This caused me to feel better that night and the next morning.

2019-12-27 08:31 - 08:59
- Distractions at the beginning
- Brief flashes of distractions in the middle
- Deeper calm at the end
- Less effort, greater calm
- I resolve to expend for less effort in jhana/pleasure wave and insight practices
- Sponteaneous close following of the breath happened this AM

Mindful Review
- Various distractions like planning, narrating, and lusting arose
- I resolve to let go of these distractions by focusing on the breath
- I resolve to let go of trying/striving to self-protect, make good decisions, and be greatness

2019-12-28 10:50 - 12:15
- Focused on following breath at nostrils
- Some distractions and some dullness
- Greater calm at end
- Felt breath vibrations at nostrils afterward

Mindful Review
- Lots of narrating
- Lots of planning around side hustle and family conversations
- Some lusting
- Lots of craving
- Peripheral awareness and focus on the road while driving was beneficial
- What is the difference between craving and hunger?

2019-12-29 10:05-10:25 and 12:31 - 12:54
- Sitting with eyes open, traveling with family
- Some ill will arose
- I practiced brief lovingkindness before returning to the breath
- Later afternoon sit was more stable
- Looking out the window at the bird feeder, color drained from view

Mindful Review
- Anger/ill will
- Narrating, planning conversations, especially when I'm alone
- On the positive side, paying attention while walking or driving, breathing sensation while driving walking sensations
- Paying very close attention to every word, syllable, sound, verbal filler word, and facial expression while someone is talking has also been positive

2019-12-30 06:35 - 07:07
- Following breath at nostrils
- Tons of planning and narrating occurring
- More distractions were present at the beginning and at the end. Fewer distractions were present in the middle of the sit.

2019-12-31 06:41 - 07:11
- Focused on breath, held more "loosely"
- Experienced some distractions, esp. mental imagery of future self being successful in meditation practice and family formation
- Experienced warm feelings of compassion
- Experienced verbal "I don't want to be alone"
- At the word alone, experienced calm and absence of verbal content or mental images
- This persisted for a while
- There was some "static" or "background noise" occurring
- Toward the beginning of the sit, the thought "What if I looked at family as opportunities instead of obstacles?" arose
- Before the sit, lots of narrating or planning around how to deal with behavior by some family members
- Befire the sit, I felt relief when I accepted the narration and let it be present instead of trying to fight it
- Maybe I can make the narration my meditation object? Break words down into syllables, etc?
- Seeing healthy relationships and cultivating clear, emotionally honest communication as part of sila training
- Toward the end of the sit and during the day, the idea "I do not exist" continued to occur

2020-01-01 06:25 - 06:50
- Focused on breath at nostrils
- "Screen" came close, then far away and seemed to fluctuate
- Brief moments of "light disk" appearing in my field of vision
- Several distractions especially around planning what to say
- "What if I radically accepted the religious background of my family and stopped trying to chane it?"
- What if I shared "cool science stuff" as an info supplement?
Mindful Review
- How do I transcend judmental behavior?
- How do I transcend overly scrupulous religious behavior?
(There was a lot of negativity in my handwritten notes from this review. I was feeling sick later in the day.)

2020-01-02 17:08 - 17:40
- Illness (stsomach bug) is occurring
- Dulllness and distractions were present throughout the sit
- Yet, anger and frustration that were ocurring a lot before the sit died down during and were not seen after
- This marked release from negative valence was stunning

2020-01-03 16:09 - 16:41
- Focused on pleasure sensations in the hands
- Pleasure spread up arms to whole body
- After returning to the breath, more distractions popped up
- Focusing down on the breath helped reduce distractions
- seemed to find effortless practice later
- Mental concern around vacations arose, deep anxiety channel
- Returned to the breath afterward
Mindful Review
- Conflict with spouse
- Stress over communication about vacations

2020-01-04 09:30-10:15
- Wow, 45 min is amazing
- More time to experiment
- I def need to practice mindfulness the rest of today
- Several submerged thoughts (aka purifications) rose to the surface
- Pleasure wave focus in the body started at the beginning of the sit
- Focused on the breath after the pleasure wave focus
- Once I "dropped effort", lots of sensations arose
   - Floating
   - Lights
   - Feeling free from clinging
   - Feeling like my idea of "self" was breaking into little parts
- Wild thoughts , nomations, distractions, also arose

Did my first round of bio-emotive processing (Doug Tataryn)


2020-01-05 11:15 - 12:13

- Had trouble sleeping last night
- Followed pleasure waves
- Returned to the breath
- Experienced distractions and submerged content (aka "purifications")
- Focused back on the breath
- Worked on moving from effortful to effortless practice toward the end of the sit and after the bell sounded
- Had a vision of different versions of myself in a warehouse laying down guns and hugging each other
- Still recovering from illness, less nausea during sit than just before
- Experienced relapse in stomach sickness today
- Had trouble sleeping the night before

2020-01-06 06:51 - 07:24
- Experienced more sickness symptoms
- Experienced more aversion/remorse
- Attempted to focus on pleasure sensations on hands
- Had some moments of sensory clarity and relief/calm

Mindful Review
- Letting go of the "need" to be healthy
- Letting go of the "need" to be wealthy

2020-01-07 06:30 - 07:25
- Focused on pleasure sensations in hands at the start of the sit
- Tantalized throughout the sit by some light disk visualizations that I'm trying not to chase with my attention
- Pleasure sensations spread to whole body
- Returned focus to breath at nostrils after pleasure waves
- Some brief flashes of distractions
- Longer distraction occurred once
- Resolved to practice metta more, especially today (longer drive)
- Feeling much better physically, still having some gastrointestinal symptoms

Mindful Review
- Anger or frustration at self still occurs somewhat; hoping metta will address this
- Kindness to self, enjoying life more, etc. seems like it would be beneficial
- Desiring deeper and more authentic connections with the people around me

2020-01-08 07:51 - 08:23
- Showered before sit
- Greater sensory clarity
- Focused on pleasure sensations in hands
- Spread quickly to the whole body
- Enjoyed "popping out" and re-entering
- Resolved to keep practicing pleasure waves
- Focused back on the breath and things became silent, calm, deep, and still
- Felt very pleasant
- Few distractions, most planning in background of awareness
- Right at the end of the sit, more distractions were occurring
- "Let it come, let it be, let it go"
- A little bit of metta practice at the end
Mindful Review
- Anxiety around doing a good job
- Regret/remorse around how I treated some coworkers in the past

2020-01-09 06:45 - 07:21
- Focused on pleasure sensations in the hands to start with
- Distractions of planning, narrating, and craving were brief and light
- While feeling pleasure waves in the whole body, I felt a sudden wide spaciousness
- It seemed possible to enter and repeatedly remain in this spacious state
- After leaving the spaciousness, I alternated between effortful close following of breath vibrations/sensations and effortless focus on the breath
- It seemed easier to deal with distractions using close breath following
- I had several mental images pop up
   - The end of a number line representing the end of a person's life
   - Cutting a red cloth coming out of the belly like an umbilical cord and then spinning untethered
   - A person decaying into a skeleton (was it me? ... could have been me.)
- Resolving to revisit the spacious spot and use close following more
Mindful Review
- Lots of narrating and planning
- I resolve to let go of overly scrupulous self-righteous self-protection

2020-01-10 06:47 - 07:25
- Followed pleasure waves in hands
- Distractions around planning & craving
- Felt waves of pleasure fill the entire body
- Felt broader, spacious place
- Felt like the body was flying
- It was easier to keep attention on the sense of pleasure in the body and not on the breath
- Used close following of the breath after the pleasure waves
- Someetimes, the sensations of the breath would disappear
- Resolved to follow the breath throughout today
Mindful Review
- Some interpersonal conflict
- Was I too stubborn?
- Should I have listened etter?
- Am I working too hard to protect a false self-concept?

2020-01-11 14:30 - 15:00
Mindful Review
- More interpersonal conflict
- Lots of anger occurring
- Feeling self-righteous
- Simultaneously wanting to judge myself
- Target of anger shifted from self to others
- Resolved to listen more and ask permission before jumping into other people's conversations
- Resolved to let anger go
- Resolved to avoid making harsh decisions or jumping in or out of friendships based on anger
Meditation Practice Notes
- Dullness was present
- Distractions, especially toward planning or anger, were present
- Brighter lights or patterns were moving in the visual field
- Focused on pleasure waves in the hands
- Felt pleasure in the whole body
- Focused on close following sensations of the breath at the nose
- Felt vibrations of the breath at the nose

2020-01-12 06:26 - 07:26
- Experienced fast thoughts and vibration feelings in bed before getting up to sit
- Started with focus on pleasure in the hands
- Waves of pleasure spread to the whole body
- Pleasure waves changed in nature a couple times
- Pleasure waves changed from ragged/intense to smoother
- It was easier to experience the pleasure waves as a self-sustaining state and remain in that state
- Resolved to be able to return to that state and stay there
- Counted down my return to following the breath
- "Popped out" on count of zero and closely followed the breath
- While experiencing breath vibrations, I asked questions like, "Who is craving?" "Who is hungry?" "Who is angry?"
- The answer I got back: "No one."
- Woah! Resolved to keep doing this practice
- Experienced a larger gross distraction toward the end of the sit
- Managed to leave the gross distraction after 2-3 attempts
- Returned to following the breath closely and experiencing vibrations at the end
- "Who is planning?" -> "No one."
- Going into the sit with strong motivation and intention to pursue metative absorption first and then insight seems to help a lot.

2020-01-13 06:07 - 06:58
- Started with stronger intention and motivation
- Had to loosten the intensity just a bit (was a bit too tight)
- "Do whatever is in front of you with passionate intensity and mindfulness"
- Focused on pleasure waves in hands, felt them spread to the whole body
- It is possible to "turn up the intensity dial" on the pleasure waves to the point that they overwhelm much more of the mind
- This increased absoprtion, for me, was slightly disrupted by the breath cycle
- The intense pleasure waves felt more "ragged"
- Recalled instruction from The Mind Illuminated's jhana appendix to focus on the "feeling of pleasantness"
- Entered a different state that felt like floating in a warm bath
- Resolved to remain there
- Was able to "dial it up" to absorb more of the mind
- After a while, it seemed my "energy tank" ran out and the experience subsided
- I returned to focus on the breath
- Deep calm, thoughts and feelings were like background noise
- Very calm, effortless focus
- Seems possible to return there
- Seems very helpful when dealing with strong negative emotions
Mindful Review
- Lots of strong negative emotions and distress yesterday
- I resolve to use meditation and calm to help address those
- Need to let that narrating mind go

2020-01-14 05:22 - 06:21
- Focused on pleasure waves in hands
- Seemed to alternate between
   - very ragged energy
   - fairly raggedd
   - calm/flowing
   - "lights out"
- Each state was easier to focus on and maintain throughout the breath cycle
- Ragged energy states are feeling less pleasing and less attractive than before
- Pushing myself to continue practice and practice longer has been very helpful to progress
- Around when the bell sounded (45 min), started practicing "finding the still point" from TMI
- Felt like floating up through my head while doing the exercise
- Felt like looking at infinite reflections between two mirrors, but nobody there
- Felt positive calm peace
- Some brief distractions, especially around planning to maintain practice and narrating
Mindful Review
- Resolved to be less nervous at work today
- Resolved to reduce narration and keep up practicing
Side notes
- Pleasure wave practice helps remember physical / mind states.
- Remembering helps retain insight experiences
- Noticed link between narration and fear while driving

2020-01-15 05:20 - 06:05
- Mainly focused on pleasure sensation in the hands and visual phenomena
- Mainly experienced ragged energy waves
- Practiced following breath vibrations after this shorter sit during daily life
- Resolving to practice more meditative absorptions

2020 -01-16 06:10 - 07:09
- Focused on visual phenomena
- Experienced ragged, intense pleasure waves
- Distractions popped up momentarily when pleasure waves subsided
- Pleasure felt like straight-up shaking
- "What if I accepted every sensation and stopped trying to control them? What if I accepted this shaking?"
- Slightly smoother pleasure waves after that thought
- After waves died down, started practicing finding the "still point" and coming at it with a question. "Who is watching/feeling/etc.?"
- It was very intriguing to experience every thought or experience as not having an "I" behind it
- Even narrating thoughts don't have a person behind them
- Example: Two people talking attribute self and other to words and sentences. Yet, behind either there's no solid, permanent "I".
- I guess this is partly what's meant by focusing on arising and passing away
- Resolving to keep practicing concentration and insight
- Went back to pleasure waves a bit by end of sit
- Resolving to let my practice be unique
- Resolving to notice arising and passing away
Mindful Review
- Lots of planning and narrating
- Resolving to let that g
End of Day 2020-01-16
- Lots of tension over whether or not to buy a video game
- Such a huge contrast from the no-self feeling I was having just a few hours before

2020-01-17 06:08 - 07:10
- Focused on visual phenomena
- Some snap judgments I made about people I barely know seemed to be blocking me from accessing deeper pleasure waves
- Practice brief metta to let them go
- Was able to access more ragged energy waves
- Switched to focusing on sensations in the body
- Easier to access calmer/deeper pleasure waves
- Spent some very enjoyable time simply following the breath
- After brief interruption, I closed the sit with finding the still point and asking, "Who is ... ?"
- Felt joy and relief at the sense of not having a separate self
Mindful Review
- Some entrepreneurial and recreational activities seem to be disturbing my unification ofm  ind
- What if I let those activities go?

2020-01-18 09:06 - 10:07
- Sit felt calmer and less rushed
- Focused on pleasure waves in hands
- Experienced shaking in the body
- Eventually, "slid out" and returned to the breath
- Some brief distractions popped up around planning and narrating
- Returned to the breath
- Started practicing the still point
- When I started asking, "Who is ... ? " I started feeling a buzzing feeling in the back top of my head
- The buzzing spread to the whole body and felt like the shaking that accompies the waves of pleasure in the whole body
- Eventually, it all subsided and I returned to the breath for the remainder of the sit
- The sit ended with a deep sense of calm
Mindful Review
- Noticed a good amount of anger and fear occurring before the sit
- I think practicing metta (especially toward self) could help reduce that
- I need to start sitting more promptly after waking up

2020-01-19 06:00 - 07:02
- Had lights off
- Harder to go from focus on pleasure in hands to full body pleasure practice
- Eventually, over came brief flashes of distractions and made it to full body pleasure waves
- After experiencing the more ragged energy waves, popped out, focused on the feeling of pleasantness, and dropped into more stable (but still "bubbly") pleasure waves
- Somewhere in there, a thought occurred. "Maybe I'm not progressing hrough the stages because I'm not simply effortlessly following the breath enough."
- After popping out of smoother waves, followed breath at the nostrils without effort
- Experienced tingling pleasurein the body
- Experienced salivation
- Experienced feeling "head spinning" or disoriented
- Ended the sit with close following of the breath
- Felt vibrations at the nose and lip

Mindful Review
- Lots of planning, narrating, and worrying
- The idea "Stop carying / worrying about what they think" arose

End of day notes
- Lots of narrating
- I felt *way* better today cleaning and organizing some documents instead of playing video games
- If something causes "icky" feelings, I resolve to let it go
- Embracing the opportunity to grow and learn from frustrations and icky feelings instead of just feeling frustrated
- Embracing a trio of physical fitness, mental fitness, and financial fitness
- Reread The Mind Illuminated Stage 8
- Resolved to spend more time intentionally using the "Exclusive Attention" and "Arising and Passing Away" practices from Stage 8
- Resolved to spend less time on the "Finding The Still Point" practice until more consistent Grade IV piti is present
- Resolved to focus on a good, wholesome home life by taking care of chores

2020-01-20 05:04 - 06:04
- Focused on pleasure waves in hands to kick off
- Experienced ragged, intense pleasure waves in the whole body
- Exited and reentered the pleasure waves in a smoother, still energetic state
- Anxiety about a medical appointment was occurring (the appointment turned out fine)
- Focused on the breath at the nostrils after the pleasure waves subsided
- Several distractions floated in awareness (including a song that was playing at a party two nights ago)
- Focused more intensely
- The most effective approach seemed to be letting the practice continue with less effort
- Some brief "dependent arising" and "momentary concentration" practice felt good and seemed to help reduce distractions
- Experienced light blobs in the visual field, tingling sensations in the body, some extra salivation, some "head spinning", etc.
- Things quieted down and became very calm toward the end of the sit
- The thought that "'I' do not exist" occurred; let it run; felt tingling and vibration from it; felt good

2020-01-20 18:30 - 19:25
- Started with just following the breath
- Noisy environment, many distractions were present
- After about 25 min, took a break to move laundry to dryers
- Second halfof the sit was much quieter
- Easier to focus on breath
- Sensations of pleasure, relief, being unburdened, and joy
- Scary/disturbing visualizations (especially around water or drowning) occurred
- Tingling feelings in body
- Ended sit with focus on pleasure sensations in the body
- First round of pleasure sensations was very ragged, second round was smoother

Mindful Review
- I think it's time to stop narrating (especially out loud) in daily life
- When I catch myself narrating, I resolved to take a 10 sec breath countdown break, congratulate myself for catching the narration, and return to the breath.

2020-01-21 05:08 - 06:08
- Quickly felt deeper calm
- Maybe daily life narration countdown is helping
- Focused on pleasure waves in hands
- Pleasure spread to the whole body
- Waves went ragged first, then smooth, then ragged
- Fet like I was a more unbiased observer in the pleasure waves, not directly experiencing them
- Pleasure waves subsided
- Focused on effortlessly following the breath
- Anxiety and anger and ill-will arose as distractions
- Partially was able to remain uninvolved with the anxiety and let "thought packets" pass through and feel their sensations
- Ended up dropping into the thoughts and engaging with their content
- Eventually distanced self from the thoughts, experienced the anxiety and anger as a "knot" sensation in the abdomen, and felt the "knot" dissolve
- Some other distractions popped up, but was able to follow the breath and escape them
- Felt the thought '"I" do not exist' arise, resonate, and shatter into a bunch of vibrations
- Felt the thought '"I" have accomplished it' arise and smiled/laughed at the thought
- Felt light vibrations, light head spinning, and light salivation during breath following

Mindful Review
- "junk food" for my mind includes
   - narrating
   - worrying
   - reading pointless articles online (especially links from social media sites)
- Resolving to count 10 outbreaths when I find myself doing these

2020-01-22 04:34 - 05:04
- Followed pleasure waves in hands after stabilizing breath
- Felt ragged wavs in fully body
- Felt "second round" of intense waves in the full body
- Experienced distraction "dropping" me into pleasure waves; distraction "moved me around" some aversion
- After leaving pleasure waves, aversion popped up again
- Struggling to know what to do with the aversion

2020-01-22 Evening Sit 20:50 - 21:43
- Just followed breath
- The thought "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional" (which appears to have uncertain provenance) occurred
- The thought "There are no choices, only cause and effect" occurred
- I would backedit the above quote to say, "There are no separate choices"

2020-01-23 06:43-07:28
- Distractions, anxiety, and planning were present throughout
- Very busy time at work, lots of work-related planning occurring
- Tons of frustration, anger, and ill-will toward a group of people whose actions were hurtful to me in the past
- Toward the start of the sit, was planning ways to get this group of people to change
- Felt a ball of tension in my lower stomach
- The thought "What if I completely accepted them?" arose.
- Over time, the ball of tension released
- I was able to feel whole-body waves of pleasure

Mindful Review
- Acceptance! (Resolved to accept people for who they are more completely)

2020-01-24 06:56 - 07:26
- Lots of narrating before the sit
- During sit, spreading legs wider on the chair seemed to help the spine be straighter
- Straighter spine led to deeper pleasure waves in whole body
- Ended with focus on breath

Mindful Review
- How do I balance meditation and time with family?
- How do I keep from long narration in AM?
- Maybe the content of narration is more applicable to me than to the people I imagine myself talking to?

2020-01-24 21:24
Arising & Passing Away from TMI
mental or physical process
could be mentally contacting a thought or physically contacting a sensation

2020-01-25 06:55 - 07:55
- Got up and did some kitchen chores 1 hr before waking up to meditate
- When I did wake up to meditate, jumped quickly to whole-body pleasure waves
- Three distinct experiences of the pleasure waves
   - Smoother
   - Rougher
   - Smoother
- Moved to following the breath at the nostrils
- New sitting posture seemed to help
- Following thought stream forwards and backwards (office XMas party)
- Experienced waves of energy currents rising then subsiding in the body
- Thoughts got quieter toward the end but were still present during the sit

2020-01-26 05:46 - 07:05
- Started w/ pleasure waves in the body
- Seemed like I experienced calmer waves first, then more ragged ones, them calmer ones again
- Heart rate increased & skin felt warm during pleasure waves practice
- Seat was sweaty after the sit
- After a while of practicing this, felt a bit physically tired
- Decided to aim for deeper pleasure waves experience (deeper jhana)
- Felt like I was levitating or floating
- Practiced that for a while until the bell
- Practicing leaving and entering that state is important but difficult
- Continued with floating pleasure wave practice until the bell
- Followed breath and looked for the still point for a while
- Things were encouragingly quiet
- Brief energy waves while following the breath

Mindful Review
- Lots of narrating
- How do I deal with the root anxiety motivating all this narration?
   - Every moment, every day, return to the breath
- Trusting other people?

Editing Notes
- I'm feeling noticeably less aversion, frustration, and anger in general over the past few days.
- Reviewing these notes increased my resolve to keep reducing the amount of time spent narrating this week

2020-01-27 05:48 - 06:53
- Started with pleasure waves in the body
- Eventually, got more physically tired and practiced the "floating / levitating" pleasure waves
- When exiting one pleasure wave experience, felt sensation of space pushing outward
- Was able to concentrate on space pushing outward and enter a different experience
- Some scenes from a TV show I watched yesterday appeared
- Practiced the "Finding the Still Point and Realizing the Witness" practice from The Mind Illuminated Stage Eight.
- Experienced light blobs and mild nausea
- A sentence occurred. "You've hung on to 'self' for so long."
- Fear of being tricked or fear of getting hurt was occurring

Mindful Review
- Less narrating is occurring. Let's keep it up!

Checked in at 08:45
Still less narration, go team

2020-01-28 06:00 - 07:00
- Woke up without alarm
- Felt refreshed, positive, and less tense
- Took more time before going down to sit
- Kindnesss toward self was occurring (less anger)
- Spent time shifting and arranging the seat to be more comfortable
- It felt easier to enter pleasure waves and the waves felt less ragged
- Distractions arose, but I wasn't as frustrated or tensed by them
- Practiced pleasure waves with buzzing at the base of the spine and general feeling of happiness throughout the sit
- Shifted to the still point
- First asked, "Who is ... ? "
- Felt part of the mind respond with, "Hello, I am ..."
- Continued contacting the still point
- Asked again
- Seemed like metacognitive introspective awareness (m.i.a.) "zoomed" out up and to the left
- Perceived the part of the mind that was talking off to the right
- The still point was up and to the left
- Suddenly, instead of coherent sentences, the talking part of the mind started saying seemingly random words and sounds
- This continued for a bit, until m.i.a. stopped perceiving a talking part of mind
- Attempted to keep asking that question and zooming out with the still point
- Then the bell sounded

2020-01-29 04:30 - 05:00
- Focused on pleasure waves
- Took time going through the four step transition
- Seemed easier to focus
- Seemed easier to release energy/tension
- Pleasure waves seemed smoother
- The bell rang while I was practicing going in and coming out of the pleasure waves

Question for Reddit: Does less effort / tension make it easier to access higher pleasure jhanas?

- reread the Jhana Appendix
- Saw a quote about "being" rather than doing
- Intentionally used less effort when entering access concentration
- Took a longer time to feel pleasure waves in the whole body
- When the waves came, they seemed less ragged
- Felt less tension in the body muscles as well
- After some practice, was able to enter a state where there was less shaking in the body and greater awareness of pleasure
- However, in this state, I would still notice periodic flashes of discursive thought

2020-01-30 05:57 - 07:00
- Focused on pleasure waves in the body
- Felt warmer than normal
- Pleasure waves seemed less ragged, body seemed less twitchy
- There were moments of a "warm bath" feeling
- Moments of buzzing also occurred in the base of the spine
- At one point, (earlier than usual due to eating more last night?) , I felt tired and popped out of the pleasure waves
- Decided to practice the still point
- At first, felt jumpy and too energized
- After practicing breath following and metacognitive introspective awareness, things calmed down
- Q1: Am I at the correct tage for the still point?
- Q2: Is a calmer body and mind appropriate preparation for the still point?
- After a while, the sense of being "zoomed out" and watching or being aware of the totality of what the mind was doing at a high level pervaded awareness
- Q3: Is this the correct time to ask, "Who is watching?"
- After the question, an answer like, "I am" arose.
- I tried to nonjudmentally accept the answer, let it be, let it go, then ask again, "Who is ... ?"
- The second time, it seemed like the answerer dissolved
- A lot of physical and visual phenomena happened quickly
- The overall sense was every part of the mind that was being observed (breath sensations, visual phenomena, emotional sensations, etc.) all being connected at once
- There wasn't a verbal answer, per se, more like a deep awareness of this connectedness
- Looking back on the experience, it seems clear that although perception or watching is definitely occurring, there's no person or entity behind the perception. However, there's a lot of connected parts and pieces behind the perception
- Q4: Am I on the right track here? I intend to keep digging, deconstructing, and asking the question.
- Lots of physical energy in the body occurred
- Brightness or light phenomena occurred
- Neurons or blood vessel imagery occurred
- Tried to focus back on the breath, calm all this down, and try again
- Similar results occurred from repeating the process
- On the third or fourth time, there was a sense of being connected to multiple past experiences or thoughts
- All those past experiences seemed connected well into the present moment to
- Resolving to be patient and understanding with self and others
- Resolving to sleep and eat this weekend (during a trip)
- Resolving to enjoy this weekend
- Resolving to not overworry about my meditation practice slipping
- Resolving to follow the breath instead of narrating
- Resolving to keep communication open, but not force myself on others

2020-01-31
- No formal meditation practice today
- I chose to sleep in instead of practicing meditation during a weekend trip
- This decision was partially influenced by the fact that I became ill during the previous weekend trip like this
- Noticed a lot of anxiety arising while working at a coffee shop and realizing I could be expected by others to be somewhere else
- About 10 - 20 minutes of fairly ragged pleasure wave practice happened during everyday life
- About 2 - 5 minutes of following the breath also happened
- Burst of anger or ill-will happened
- While driving around, the idea of enjoying *every* situation (even the frustrating ones) occurred

2020-02-01 08:45 - 09:30
- Practice pleasure waves with my eyes open during the breakfast meal
- Pleasure waves started more ragged and eventually became stiller
- Practiced momentary attention by focusing on the corner of an angel glass figurine
- Felt escalating waves of energy during momentary attention practice
- Eventually, I felt pleasure waves in the full body
Still Point Practice
- had to focus on dropping the previous experiences I've had and allow new experiences to arise
- felt everything become more quiet and shutting down when I practiced the still point

2020-02-02 09:21 - 09:46
- Practiced pleasure waves with eyes open during the breakfast meal
- Felt more ragged than calmed down
- Much easier to enjoy the situations and not see ill will arise when practicing pleasure waves
Mindful Review
- Felt lots of ill will
- Learning to avoid bleed-through
- Learning to have greater compassion
- Ill will and judgment keeps us all locked into a cycle of judging each other
- Enjoying happiness and joy in every situation is liberating, but the price is giving up feelings of moral superiority
- How do I radiate more compassion and forgiveness?
- How do I enjoy situations saturated by angry or judgmental behavior?
- Practiced momentary attention on frozen spot on a window
- I feel much less compelled to intervene or fix behavior by other people
- I see craving in myself
- Fully accepting my place in the massive causal chain of suffering and not fighting it
- Then pain and craving goes dark
- Goes out like a light

2020-02-03 06:46 - 07:06
- Focused on pleasure waves
- Felt more ragged and more smooth pleasure from time to time
- Lots of distractions around planning

Mindful Review
- Became very angry with myself when I failed to take action and instead meditated for about 20 min
- How do I balance the joy of meditation with the responsibilities of daily life?
- When do I intervene to change a situation that I deem to be messed up and when do I use meditation to simply accept it?

2020-02-04 05:36 - 06:36

- initial impressions: "phew!" "I'm back." "hugs!"
- focused on pleasure waves at the start of the sit
- felt very easy to slip into calmer/more stable pleasure waves
- distractions seemed like fuzzy waves, farther away
- practiced going in and coming out of the pleasure waves
- switched to following breath in body and at nostrils
- felt brief bursts of joy
- distractions appeared more vividly
- after following the breath further, distractions died down
- practiced still point
- almost tried to ask "Who is ...? " too early
- waited, things slowed down in quieter state
- "turning awareness in on itself"
- bursts of joy
- was better prepared for the bursts of joy and settled down from them more quickly
- several visions
   A flashlight in cavern
      - "Who is holding ... ? "
      - flashlight spinning but the cavern was empty
   B me getting hit by cutout walls flying toward me
      - tried to contort self to match the holes in the cut out walls, but I wasn't perfect
      - pieces of me kept getting knocked off until I was a skeleton
      - skeleton shattered
      - pieces reassembled
   C myself chasing or grasping for bubbles
      - saw myself sitting and enjoying meditation
      - lots of thoughts arose

   - returned back to breath
   - had vision of a bunch of versions of self coming together and hugging
Mindful Review
   - Everything turned out ok in the end
   - I started thinking about other areas I was waiting (like student loans)
   - How do I push for wise decisions w/o selfish clinging?
      - Leaning toward waiting till April

2020-02-05 05:45 - 06:14
- Focused on pleasure waves in the hands
- Lots of distractions, yet waves spread to the whole body
- Intentionally focusing when reentering led to clearer, deeper wave sensations
- Followed w/ focus on following the breath
- Distractions were present, yet calm was also present

2020-02-06 06:10 - 06:40
- Lots of work-related distractions
- Focused on pleasure sensations in the body
- Felt and experienced a much deeper calm while still having pleasure sensations in the body. Wow!

2020-02-07 05:46 - 06:47
- Focused on pleasure waves in the body
- Experienced pleasure waves that felt deeper and more stable than before
- Less shaking, more pleasure in the body
- Felt an edge or taste of equanimity, too, I think
- Followed breath at nostrils for a few cycles
- Turned to still point practice
- Took my time settling in
- Narrating occurred "Hello."
- Verbally asked, "Who is ... ?"
- the voice said "I am"
- the second time I asked, it was as if the narration froze mid-sentence
- moved past narration
- visuals and physical sense of the entire body & mind being connected
- later questions, instead of a verbal "Who is ...?" felt more like turning a spotlight back on itself
- saw a lighthouse spinning, then rotating just on z-axis, then no lighthouse and just light
- followed breath and felt tingling and uplifting
- inside the mud, briefly glimpsed what looked like thought or suffering producers
- one of them was frozen with ice

2020-02-08 06:00 - 07:00
- found calmer pleasure waves
- entered these calmer waves 3x
- "uplifting" or "arising" sensation accompanied the calmer waves
- followed breath at nostrils
- found calm
- followed still point practice
- noticed that the still point practice & four step intro are both becoming less conceptual & more feeling
- was able to move past narration before asking "Who is ... ?" this time
- sense of awareness w/o an "I" behind it
- got distracted by a thought stream narration
- narration was about presenting trinitarian nonduality to my in-laws
- came back from distraction
- "Who is narrating?" (about Trinitarian theology?)
- Who is craving? Who is lusting? Who is angry? Who is scared (for their job)?
- ended w/ close following on the breath
Mindful Review
- Eating less to lose weight
- Hungry more often
- More craving food
- Return to the breath as a way to deal w/ craving (?)
- Insight practice (Who is ... ? ) as a way to deal w/ craving?
- Need to continue to reduce narration in daily life by returning to the breath


2020-02-09 06:46 - 07:56
- Practiced pleasure waves
- Lengthened intro period
- Key obstacle was wanting others (in-laws and family) to be enlightened
- Letting go of those desires allowed a deeper pleasure waves experience
- Eventually, had an experience that felt like the still point and pleasure waves combined
- Still felt some energy in peripheral awareness

2020-02-10 05:34 - 06:40
- Practiced pleasure waves
- was able to find pleasure wave practice that seemed to meld w/ the still point
- entered & exited & returned 2-3 times
- followed breath at nostrils for a bit
- practiced the still point
- before I went through visualizing my surroundings, a single still point stood out
- shifted awareness radiated out from there
- the still point started to move
- it covered an entire sphere
- it seemed to explode into pure awareness of the entire visual field
- lots of energy, thoughts, sensations, etc.
- returned to calmer, stiller place
- it happened again
- bell rang
- practiced still point / awareness explosion a bit more
- resolved to carry this into daily life

2020-02-11 05:26 Mindful Review
- lots of self-righteous narrating
- lots of craving physical pleasure or relief
- Awareness (esp. Nondual awareness) and acceptance seem to be a key escape hatch
- another area was wanting or craving absolute precision, optimality, or perfection
- applicable in pers finances and at work
Meditation sit 05:33-06:33
- followed pleasure waves in body
- noisier or buzzier at first, then calmer and more stable/focused
- felt warmth in the body and my heart was racing. 
- discursive thoughts and ideas were less present after following pleasure waves
- followed breath
- practiced still point
- harder to know or be certain stage that's the best fit for me right now
- previous imagery of moving still point dissolving info awareness occurred
- imagery of self-concept being like a coin with a picture of my face on it
- dropping the the coin and appreciating joy and freedom
- experience of awareness permeating all experience
- following breath effortlessly toward the end

- resolution: use awareness and breath following to let go of narration,
perfectionism, judgmentalism, and wanting others to change
- resolving to stay in the now

2020-02-12 05:12
- skipping AM sit due to work trip
- felt depressed, lonely regretful
- this happened shortly after waking up too early
- reminded me of one night at the IDEA Center
- feeling frustrated, depressed, lonely, and regretful

instinctively, I'm letting it come, letting it be, and letting it go

in car meditating
- got frustrated because I couldn't hit deep pleasure waves (no jhana)
- following breath, accepting wherever practice is at
- joy resulted

2020-02-13 05:55 - 06:56
- Practiced pleasure waves at the start of the sit
- Gross distractions, planning
- Eventually settled down into deeper/calmer pleasure waves 3x
- Practiced still point
- Started with the still point between my eyes
- The still point quickly moved or dissolved
- Filling areas with awareness
- Practiced still point through the end of the sit
Mindful Review/Resolutions
- Focus better/more energy & clarity at the start of each sit
- Maintain better awareness & clarity in daily life
- Back to the breath!

- I resolve to let thoughts (even uncomfortable thoughts) come, be, and go

2020-02-14 18:25 - 18:32
- No formal sit today
- Practiced pleasure waves for about 10 min after getting home from work
- Lots of work-related planning
- Recognized I can follow pleasure waves while talking to someone or doing other activities

2020-02-15 07:03 - 08:15
- Practiced following pleasure waves
- Distractions arose, yet it seemed easier to accept them ("let it come, let it be, let it go")
- Entered and exited pleasure waves 3x
- Bell sounded as calming for the still point
- Practiced still point for about 15 min
- Entered still point at 3 different locations and had it dissolve 3 different times
- Last time, dissolved much faster than the other two
- Briefly practiced dissolved awareness with eyes open
Mindful Review
- Instead of narrating, practice still point and awareness in daily life

2020-02-16 Before Sit
- Lying in bed, lots of aversion due to remorse arose.
- Lots of pain
- Aversion/remorse shifted
- Aversion/remorse dissipated, but the memory is still accessible
- Is any of this related to the physical hunger I was feeling?
Sit 07:27 - 07:58
- Started w/ focus on pleasure waves
- Entered twice
- Waves seemed more ragged, less smooth than usual
- Moved to still point
- Took longer to stabilize, more distractions
- Eventually settled in
- Took longer for the still point to melt/dissolve
- Returned to follow the breath
- Distractions popped up
Mindful Review
- Letting go of remorse by forgiving myself
- Accepting myself and my own limitations

2020-02-17
- Ate more food last night and slept significantly better
- Bio-emotive processing podcast on Deconstructing Yourself had a big impact on me
- The core feeling belief "I am worthless" seemed to resonate most with me
Sit 06:07 - 07:21
- Focus on pleasure waves first
- Hard to overcome distraction initially
- First pleasure wave full experience was more jagged and raw
- Second was more stable and clear
- Third was also more stable and clear
- Brief focus on visual phenomena during third pleasure wave experience
- Bell rang after leaving third experience and prepping for still point
- Continued through still point dissolving/exploding twice
- The first time, the still point seemed "in the center", then exploded
- The second time, the still point seemed to "cut a line", drop a glowing flag, and melt/dissolve
- Sense of being connected
- Sense of extinguishing
- Throwing up a glowing dreamcatcher net and seeing it soaring up, seeing all people, and dropping back down on me
2020-02-18 05:45 - 06:45
Interrupted during middle of following pleasure waves but otherwise a usual sit
- Pleasure waves and then melting/dissolving still point
- Sense of connectedness
- What's next?
Mindful Review
- How do I maintain throughout the day?
- Using metta to increase kindness to self and others?

2020-02-19 04:36 - 05:07
- Followed pleasure waves in body
- Once one stronger pleasure wave experience happened, switched to still point
- Had one still point dissolve and then bell rang
- Distractions were more prevalent than yesterday's sit
- Transitions were jumpier and less smooth
Mindful Review
- Listening to Doug Tataryn on Deconstructing Yourself gave me the idea of more mindful sleeping
- I felt less surprised when my alarm went off today
- Hoping to maintain that throughout the day

2020-02-20 05:45 - 06:50
- Sit is done, but I'm still smiling :-)
- Followed pleasure waves in body at first
- Stretched before sitting
- Felt more aware of negative thoughts and distractions
- All the distractions seemed somehow smaller and far away
- I let the distractions come, be, and go away
- The pleasure waves felt deeper and clearer
- Went to the still point
- I got distracted at first, then came back
- After the first still point dissolved, I felt overwhelmed by joy
- Experienced energy currents in the body, laughing, etc.
- It felt great and made me very happy
- After a while, I reset my wild posture and came back to the breath
- Energy currents and the happy feeling remained
- They are persisting even somewhat after the sit
Mindful Review
- Allow myself to feel joy and feel good
- Uproot and release pain from the past
- Don't get caught up in trying to fix everything and everyone

2020-02-21 12:10 - 12:48 pm
- Sitting in the foyer/atrium area at work
- Lots of distractions from people walking by
- Pleasure waves in body: in - out - in (2x?)
- Found the still point a couple times
- Felt more stable energy and joy
- Noticed more visual illumination phenomena
- Overall, strong positive energy and joy
- Lots of smiling

2020-02-22 07:11 - 08:18
- Focused on pleasure waves, but took time setting up
- Was watching closer for illumination phenomena because it was more present during the sit yesterday
- After the first intense pleasure experience, visual light blobs appeared!
- I got distracted by planning
- "What am I going to do today?"
- returned to pleasure waves
- visual blobs continued
- after the third pleasure wave experienced, I returned to the breath
- focused on the visual blobs
- the blobs were fuzzy and moved around, but it felt like I entered a flow state
- felt like pleasure waves, but calmer and deeper
- aside: you don't have to keep using self-talk to push yourself
- second time entering visual blob flow state, the bob expanded to fill the whole visual field
- after the second visual blob flow, I practiced the still point
- The first time, the still point seemed embedded in a homunculus / buddha statue
- still point moved outside and the idol tipped over
- still point moved a couple times, then exploded/dissolved
- strong energy, smiles, and joy
- repeated through two more still point dispersals
- at one moment, saw distracting thoughts as being viewed or watched from another perspective or location
- tried to focus on the visual blobs, once more at the end of the sit, but failed
- ended with the last still point dispersing
Mindful Review
- hold more metacognitive introspective awareness (aka metacog intro aware aka mia)
- let go of worries
- hang onto the joyful smile

2020-02-23 08:00 - 08:30
- focused on pleasure waves
- brief visual phenomena, but didn't focus on it
- into deeper, calmer waves 2x
- followed breath
- dissolving still point 2x
- sense of nondual awareness and welcoming every sensation
- I was more tired today
- I was more distracted
- yet it was possible to focus
Mindful Review
- I want to accept myself, my wife, my in-laws, and my community
- shamatha plus joy seems like a good path to do that

2020-02-24 06:00 - 06:40 and 06:55 - 07:00
- Practiced pleasure waves
- Noticed light blobs, but they dissipated
- 3x entering stronger pleasure waves
- One, pleasure wave seemed like a window into mind
- after 15 minute interruption, practiced still point and experienced dissolving plus joy
Mindful Review
- lots of distractions
- Goal: stay more in the moment today
- Goal: accept spouse and in-laws as they are

2020-02-25
Mindful Review
- I killed a lady bug in our apartment last night. I regret doing this and resolve to relocate bugs outside when possible.
- Meditating throughout the day is awesome

2020-02-26
Stressful couple of days
Lots of working
Brief pleasure wave and still point practice this AM
Need to sleep more tomorrow. (Early night?)

2020-02-27

"I am broken" -> bioemotive processing

Here's a list of the 9 core feelings:
alone, inadequate, insignificant, lost, helpless, worthless, a loss/emptiness, bad person +++, hopeless

2020-02-27 about one hour following the breath from 8am to 9am while driving to a work trip
-  felt ragged pleasure waves in the body
- felt better than the previous work trip
- Learning to accept and embrace each unique phase of practice

2020-02-28
- about 20 min following breath from 8am to 8:20 am while driving back from work trip
- light pleasure waves in body
- listened to Daniel Ingram's "What Does It Mean To Be Enlightened?" on Robert Wright's MeaningOfLife.tv and  Evan Thompson's "Questioning Assumptions about Buddhism" on Deconstructing Yourself
- Thought both were cool

2020-02-29 07:06 - 08:06
- Lots of thoughts and distractions
   - Work planning
   - Startup planning
- By third round of pleasure waves, thoughts subsided and were more in the background
- By third round of pleasure waves, the pleasure waves were also more stable and continuous
- during the work trip, anxiety was occurring more on days I didn't meditate
- I switched to the still point
- the initial distractions faded as the still point repeatedly dissolved and exploded
- felt energy waves in the body and a smirky smile on my face
- deeper/calmer pleasure waves
- am I ready for stage 9 in The Mind Illuminated?

2020-03-01 08:50 - 09:35
- Focused on pleasure waves in body
- Repeatedly distracted by planning

2020-03-02
- Started with 3 rounds of pleasure waves
- Mind seemed quieter? But dull? Fewer thoughts than usual
- Spent time following breath with goal of calming meditative joy
- ACCEPTANCE
   - self
   - others
   - not trying to maneuver or change status
- Practiced still point and it melted a couple times
- Returned to breath
- Attempted following illumination/nimitta, felt pleasure strong in the body
- Back to the breath
- Seemed to cycle through fears/distractions and accept them
- Ended with scenes from movie appearing while following the breath

2020-03-03 07:02 - 07:52
- Followed pleasure waves in body 2x
- Found deeper and more stable pleasure waves the second time
- Switched to still point and had it dissolve 2x
- Coming back to the breath repeatedly was very helpful
- Thoughts and distractions were caught sooner
- Thoughts around trying to be a healer and help people
- Letting those thoughts go, sending love to self and others... metta ->
- way less antagonistic this AM after practice vs. last ight after work and chores
- how do I mall .. ?

2020-03-04 07:40 - 08:00
- Followed deep pleasure waves in the body 2x
- Still point dissolved 2x
- Energy/joy but still following the breath at the end of the sit
- Distractions and thoughts arose
   - A lot around work
   - A lot around family
   - A lot around finances and housing
- Resolved: Back to breath

2020-03-05 07:45 - 07:55
Followed deeper pleasure waves in the body

18:43 - 19:08
- Practiced still point
- Took longer then expected to dissolve
- Followed the breath after that
- Tons of energy
- Following breath at nostrils seemed to calm it down
Mindful Review
- Things seem less personal
- Big bio-emotive processing moment: "I am a bad person because I don't do enough for my spouse."
- Cried tears driving to work and proceeding
- More stress and business at work

2020-03-06 05:45 - 06:45

- Extra thankful for the hour-long sit
- Pleasure waves 2x
- Still point dissolving 2x
- Some purifications relating to letting go of family trauma or pain
- Opening cages and letting coloful waves

2020-03-07 09:01 - 09:28
- Experienced pleasure waves in body 3x
- Moments occurred when people's voices were far away
- Loss of perception or awareness of physical body
Mindful Review
- Lots of work-related stress
- Core feelings like "I feel alone", "I feel worthless"

2020-03-08 07:45 - 08:30
- Pleasure waves
- Still point
- Stressful work

2020-03-09 07:47 - 08:07
- Followed pleasure waves
- Lots of work-related distractions
- Did get quiet as the sit continued

11:44 - 12:05
- Distractions
- Still point 2x
- Following breath led to greater calm

2020-03-10 19:40 - 20:15
- Followed pleasure waves 2x
- Still point 2x
- Following breath -> joy
- Mental images of people suffering/starving
- Mental images of buddhas
- Mental images of light
- All the images began to be connected or linked
- No longer trying to escape
- Work-related distractions

2020-03-11 07:40 - 08:10
- Deep pleasure waves 2x
- Lots of family-related distractions
- Anger, shame, hurt, scared

2020-03-11 19:04 - 19:20
- Still point 2x
- Dissolved twice
- Felt *much* better
- Amazing how much stress or pain is in mind

2020-03-12 20:00 - 21:00
- Deep pleasure waves 2x
- Still point 2x
- Following the breath
- Felt less connected to thoughts
- Visual of many thoughts piling into head then exploding
Mindful Review
- Regrets and fears
- Wishing for things to be different
- Fantasizing about how things could be different
- I definitely suffer less in meditation

2020-03-13 08:40 - 09:10
- Pleasure waves
- Distractions - work/charity
- How can I use my pain as motivation to help other people?
- This is the year

2020-03-14 08:45 - 09:30
- Pleasure waves 3x
   - Deep, but ragged
   - Hard to find calm
- Still point
- Distraction
- Meditative joy
- Still point
- Meditative joy
- Back to the breath
- Felt love toward all people
- Resolved to practice more in daily life

2020-03-15
- Busy morning
- Practicing while walking and moving
- Goal: dove back into joy
- There are some thoughts that cut like barbed wire, let's drop those :-)

2020-03-16 05:44 - 07:10
- Deep pleasure waves 3x
- Still point 3x
- Following breath
- Illumination phenomena were more present while following the breath
- Could I cultivate nimitta by spending more time following the breath?
- Evening: reading about dharma scandals and MCTB2 authorship controversy

- More sleepy
- Took multiple tries to access deeper pleasure waves

2020-03-18 09:30 - 09:40
- Slept better last night
- Much easier to focus
- Noting earlier helped metacognitive introspective awareness
- Pleasure wave practice seemed to less ragged and wild
- Stopped due to interrpution
09:50 - 10:00
- Still point + following breath
- felt easier to get to meditative joy
- less of a aa"bump"
- desire/craving to maintain that state in daily life
- "Who is watching?"
   "No one."
   Relief
- Maybe meditation is like the button you press to erase yourself without hurting other people
- The other answer to "It's a Wonderful Life."

2020-03-19 08:20 - 09:00
- Clear pleasure waves
- Vibrations in the whole body
- Still point dissolved
- Following the breath
- Feeling connected
- Feeling separate self or watcher disappear

Resolution: I resolve to keep practicing meditation daily, pay attention to the three characteristics, and remain focused on the meditation object.

I resolve to do this to reduce my own suffering, reduce the suffering of the beings around me, and let go or release clinging to a separate self.

2020-03-20 09:50 - 10:10
- Brief pleasure waves x1
- Felt broad, inclusive, and expansive
- Stiffness/pain in neck & shoulders
- Still point -> dissolved
- Following the breath

2020-03-21 10:04 - 10:14
- Focusing on pleasure waves in the body
- MCTB2 descriptions: seemed like 3rd and then maybe 4th shamatha jhana
- Resolving to pour frustration into practice
- Resolving to spend less time reading and more time practicing
- Work and chore-related frustration - meditation practice

2020-03-22 06:50 - 07:20
- Pleasure waves
- Hard to distinguish from plane vibrations, but felt clear
- Feelings of love toward all beings

2020-03-23 04:45 - 05:45 and prev evening
- Emotional activation during and after watching a movie

06:40 - 07:20
- Inspired by mctb2, focused continuously on pleasure waves
- found 3 (or 4) experiences of pleasure waves
   - initially, quite ragged
   - energy seemed to settle down and radiate through the core of the body
   - body seemed less present
   - deeper place, focusing on equanimity
- checked clock around 30 min
- resolved to practice fuller, deeper jhana
- interrupted by work phone call
- focused on the breath during the afterglow of leaving the pleasure waves
- need to focus practice on going deeper

2020-03-24 05:30 - 06:00
- 30 min of bio-emotive processing

2020-03-25
- Resolved: Use time in daily life to focus on practice
09:03 - 09:23
- Focused on pleasure waves in the body
- Tension in the body -> lower jhana?
- Mind shifts, less tension, higher jhana?
- Comparing pleasure of jhana to everyday life
09:25 - 09:35
- Re-entered after distraction
- Easier to go deeper
- Tension or body shakes gave way to a deeper focus?
- Resolving to return to the breath repeatedly

2020-03-26 07:12 - 07:51
- Focused on pleasure waves
- Read x-meditator.com "Demystifying Jhana" last night
- Noticed 3-4 levels of pleasure waves in my practice
   - Direct pleasure waves in the body
   - Smile/joy/happy with pleasure waves present throughout
   - Pleasure waves lightly in center
   - Pleasure waves seemed to disappear ... equanimity?
- Brief still point
- Resolved to practice gently untangling/questioning the still point

2020-03-27 10:00 - 10:05, 21:24 - 21:27
- Very minimal meditation practice today
- Lots of extra hours at work prepping for release
- Anger and frustration arising at work / in relationship with work folks

2020-03-28 07:44 - 08:44
- Pleasure waves in body
- Going 1 -4 then 4-1 seems helpful
- Practiced still point
- "Deconstructing" or "seeing through" the still point/watcher
- Less luminous stuff / visions
- Following breath at the end
- Illumination / nimitta?
- Seeing the 3 characteristics in each state
- Being less aware and afraid of loss

2020-03-29 09:40 - 10:25
- Focused on pleasure waves
- Moved from ragged waves in whole body to stable waves in core
- Moved from stable core to focusing on pleasure/bliss
- After a while, had an intense experience of pleasure / bliss
- Pleasure / bliss with less awareness of body seemed to fade to deep peace (?)
- Focused on still point
- It dissolved / exploded disappeared multiple ways multiple times
- Felt pain in left butt bone
- Bell rang

2020-03-30 06:11 - 07:46
- Compassion welled up
- From ragged pleasure waves in the body to more subtle ones
- Still point kept melting or leaking instead of exploding
- There was one moment with the still point being electrified

2020-03-31 21:25 - 21:50
- Light focus on pleasure waves while watching TV
- Overslept past alarm

2020-04-01 06:3 - 07:37
- Pleasure waves
   - Heavy in body
   - Concentrated, rolling from bottom to top
   - Blissy pleasure around the borders
   - Deep calm
- Back down through the initial phases
- Back down felt clearer than on the way up
- Following breath
- Asking "Who is ...?"
- Adventure
- Sense of lasers shooting out of the base of the neck
- Sense of connecting everything
- Sitting in this state
- attacked by bats, melty
- walls closing in
- blankness like a turned-off TV
- some light blobs
- continuing in blankness
- heard self talk, saw a self-avatar
- the self-avatar popped like a balloon
- perception restarted?
- what was that?
- went down to creepy bats and back
- "Become a dharma teacher online"
- Give freely, be geeky
- "Yogi Body + Mind Fitness"
- Hang a shingle (?)

2020-04-02 07:10 - 08:10
- Five? Pleasure wave phases? (Last one was spacious?)
- Took time on way down
- Felt clear, distinct, good focus
- Focused on the breath
- still point
- "Who is ... ?"  "Nobody" -> "Everywhere"
- Various impressions
   - perception vortex
   - blinking out
- earlier, during jhana, releasing specific emotionally charged situations into equanimity
- toward the end of the sit, remembered to drop effort
- stable joy arose, feeling better
- resolved to follow The Mind Illuminated practice path more intently

2020-04-03 06:51 - 07:51
- Everything arises from itself! Everything passes away by itself! Wow!
- This is it!
- Nimitta is easier to see with consecutive days of  consistent practice
- Practiced pleasure waves, 4 transitions up and down
- Nimitta was more present
- Following the breath, joy arose quickly
- Focused on still point
- Seemed like still point congealing and dissolving for a long time
- Everything arises , everything passes

2020-04-04 09:09-10:01
- Four phase pleasure waves
- Mind was tired, distracted, scattered
- 4th pleasure wave phase seemed to help concentration
- Counting breaths after pleasure waves helped
- Repeated stiffness in shoulders
- Still point -> questioning
- Was helpful for disrupting narration
- Repeated questioning dissolved the watcher
- Repeated questioning dissolved "the end" of brick walls
- Just following breath between pleasure waves and still point -> joy and positive energy
- Helps to see the dissolution in a positive light

2020-04-05 07:04 - 08:13
- "Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional"
- Four and a half stages of following pleasure waves
- The "half" stage was a brief spacious place
- Still point -> just following the breath
- Lots of dramatic visualizations / imagery occurred
- Multicolored light blobs in the visual field
- Witness kept dispersing as soon as I asked "Who is ...?"

2020-04-06 07:30 - 08:30?
- After pleasure waves, followed breath to joy
- Still point occurred multiple times
   - Lots of page turning/photograph imagery
- Awareness: everything sensing itself
- Going back through many old photographs / memories and watching myself disappear
- Shifted posture: harder on hips, easier on shoulders
09:30
- Lots of narration occurring
- Bringing focus back to the breath
- Resolved to stay more in the moment with the still point
- I eventually dissolved
- Every spirits jumping out of the photo
- I resolve to follow breath today

2020-04-07 06:28
06:54 - 07:59
- Still point -> "Who is ...?"
- Less dramatic switch to a new way of perceiving
- Fewer visions, more grounded, new mode of experience
- "I did it!" -> pulling up the tangled root of self-perception
- Feels linked to equanimity states
- Did four phase pleasure wave practice at start
- Distractions were more present for 1-4 than 4-1
- Letting go of philosophizing, narrating, and preaching
- Focusing on gently untangling from the still point
- 2020-04-08 05:39 - 06:39
- Four phases of pleasure waves
   -  1 - 3 up, clearer than usual
   - 4 had more fuzzy distractions
   - 3 -1 , more distractions
- Distractions were mostly focused on stressful work situations
- Counted ten breaths, noticed clear perception
- Practiced the still point
- It seems like equanimity is dissolving the self-other boundary
- After sit, it is easier to take on an "insight" / "inquiry" view. "Who is ...?"
- I would like to focus on concentration practice today
- Concentrating on visual phenomena off closed eyes
- (This practice is inspired by Daniel Ingram's Fire Kasina book and related notes in MCTB2)
- Repeating closing the eyes and concentrating on the after-images
- I stopped myself in the middle of jumping into a narration. I hope I can do so more often to reduce the time I spend narrating.

2020-04-09 06:30 - 07:30
- Facing doubt and fear
- Four phase pleasure waves
- Clear on 1 - 4 but work-related distractions and doubt made it harder to see/feel
- Distractions clear at the bottom of 4-1
- Stable , more equanimous response to the joy and energy
- Mental imagery of every one in the apartment building walk around in cause and effect
- Editing note: This imagery was particularly calming and peaceful for me because I had previous experienced deep anxiety around imagery of every one in a different apartment building fighting and suffering when I lived in Tulsa, OK
- I resolve to continue concentration practice on visuals today with the goal of attaining luminous jhanas
07:38

- Did I just experience the first luminous jhana?
- Followed visual phenomena, felt pleasure in the body
- Woah....

2020-04-10 06:14 - 07:27
- Focused on visual phenomena (nimitta) for concentration practice till 6:50
- Five phases (of?) experiences
- "Boundless Space" seemed more stable
- Been doing visual concentration practice in daily life (focused on afterimage after closing eyes)
- I resolve to continue closing eyes and focusing on afterimage to increase concentration
- Still point from 06:50 - 07:14
- "Who is ..?" -> emptiness, no answer
- Had to settle mind back down after work- and family- related distractions
- Physical body tired with work plus practice
- I need to rest this weekend
- Focus on data cleanup
- Don't try to do it all at once

2020-04-11 08:04 - 09:12
- Panicked when I couldn't reach luminous jhana when getting up at 5am to use the restroom
- By 7 to 8am, luminous jhana was accessible again
- 1 - 4, 1 and 2 were most clear. 3 and 4 were wild and ragged.
- work-related distractions
- 4-1 were roughly the same as 1-4
- still point -> "Who is ...?"
- Usually, there was no answer
- I continued until I was able to sit in a "no-answer", "not-me" state
- the bell rang about that time
- did some quick luminous focus 1 - 4, 4 - 1 and things were much clearer and more stable
- I resolve to forgive more
- I resolve to practice luminous jhanas and visual concentration in daily life over the next two weeks

2020-04-12 08:24
My motivation for practice: I don't want hurt to keep spiraling out of my life into others' lives. My goal: cultivate luminous jhanas toward the end of insight into the three characteristics
Expectations: Though I may stumble on the path I intend to press on
Obstacles: Regret, remorse, fear, workplace strife, family tension, ancient hatred
08:37 - 09:42
- I resolve to re-read TMI
- It felt easier and clearer to practice 1-4 and 4-1 today
- For 1, sustaining, focus, attention, and effort
- For 2, go effortless. Let the experience carry.
- For 3, incline to pleasure
- For 4, incline to equanimity
- Way up, few distracting
- Way back, less distraction
- Followed breath
- Calmed the joy
- Still point -> "Who is ...?"
- Seems more straight-forward to pursue the practice without language or words
- Visual phenomena were more present
- Need to settle down and focus on no-self
- Feeling of "waves in phase" led to quiet
- The waves were vibrating and connected, seemed to sync up in the back of my head at the base of the skull
- Less mental chatter happened after the "waves sync" experience

2020-04-13 06:50 - 07:50
- Mind was more activated and distracted this AM
- Practiced concentration on light blobs in visual field up 1-4 and down 4-1
- Fewer distractions on way down
- Feels less agitated and wild overall
- Still point -> "Who is...?"
- Feeling like I was melting
- Melting ideas, beliefs, and especially judgment and criticism
- Let causality unfold
- Stop trying to repoint the rocket
08:58
- Tons of narrating
- Who is ...? -> Melt...

2020-04-14 06:41 - 07:41
- Four five phases of visual concentration
- Less of a "barrier" to enter
- They felt "right there"
- Back to breath
- Attempting still point + "Who is ...?"
- Lots of strong emotion
- At times, felt like walls or barriers between the edges of my mind were melting

2020-04-15 06:04 - 07:04
- Tons of anxiety last night.

- Sitting on a ground cushion for the first half of the sit
- 1-4, 4-1
- I need to stay focused on visuals because it's easy to drift back to familiar body sensations
- Sat in chair for still point / realizing the witness
- Much more embodied today, less lost in thought
- Alternate perspective from experiencing watcher and asking "Who is ...?" and feeling watcher dissolve
- Each specific anxiety-causing situation seems dissolved
- During daily life visual concentration, I should focus on visuals not body sensations to know when to stop

2020-04-16
- Following visuals more closely, less focus on body sense
- jhana seemed deeper
- felt like it was more out of my control
- harder to distinguish phases
- still point melted quickly
- kept returning to still point and experiencing awareness melting
- resolved to pay closer attention to visuals over physical sensations
- earlier, yesterday, started seeing 3d spirals and some LOTR-like landscapes

2020-04-17 06:22 - 07:22
- Duller than usual (sat in dark right after waking up)
- 1 - 4, phases of visual concentration practice, 4 seemed especially dully/fuzzy. 2 and 1 seemed clearest.
- Trying to maintain focus on visuals over body sensations, but the visual nimitta was less consistent/more flickering
- Still point -> Who is ...?
- Seemed emptier
- Felt like there were moments without thoughts arising
- I noticed 3d spirals during daily life visual concentration practice yesterday
- I saw a few spirals while closing my eyes while writing this

2020-04-18 08:30 - 10:00
- Removed inner meditation cushion from plastic bag
- Sitting was more stable
- Luminous jhanas seemed to carry themselves 1-4 and 4-1
- Still point practice took a while to get revved up, but eventually "Who is ...?" became a wordless shift to a realm of deep vibrations
- Practiced some brief walking meditation around the apt and it was great
- Back to luminous jhanas
- I know I was distracted part of the time but I don't remember what the distractions were
Resolutions:
- Keep up luminous jhanas in daily life
- Add "Who is ...?" when eyes are open
- Maintain wordless awareness (nonverbal)
- Side note: I noticed spirals, but they weren't 3d today

2020-04-19 Resolution
- We can supplement with a basic self-def course
- But the core skill I want  to build mastery in is meditation


- I want to do this to reduce my suffering and the suffering of others
-
I want to supplement this with appropriate counseling and co-counseling
training to counteract the negative effects or side-effects of meditation

- Wow the streamentry subreddit wiki has amazing content.

2020-04-19?? 07:40 -09:06
- The jhanas 1-5 or 16 and 6-1 seem to be carrying themselves quickly
- Repeated 3 cycles of 1-5 or 1-6 and back down
- Following breath -> Still point -> Who is ...?
- Deeper "nondual awareness" state today
- Noticed I had been subtly flexing blood vessels in my head to make a (deep rushing) noise in my ears
- When I stopped doing that, everything seemed quieter and it was easier to focus
- I practiced about 15 min of very pleasant walking meditation after my sit.
- Tears came down my face while I was walking.
- Sat down and did 1-5, 5-1 cycle on the cushion after the walking
- During luminous jhanas, nimitta wasn't as clear until the second time through the 1-6, 6-1 cycle
- Before sit, got distracted by worries while stretching.
- After sit, I was distracted during visual concentration practice while writing this.
- I think I may have been mistaking the blood vessel noise in my ears for a deeper concentration state.
- I need to relearn how to distinguish some concentration states.

2020-04-20 06:50 - 07:02
- Rereading The Mind Illuminated, learning about sati as appropriate/optimal balance of attention and awareness
- Visual concentration 1-4, 4-1, 1-4, 4-1
-
Not having blood rushing through the ears, deeper concentration seemed
to lead to deeper concentration and more mental energy available
-
- Still point -> Who is ...?
- Letting go of the past
- Letting go of craving
- All we have is now
- This is it

2020-04-20 07:45
- During narration in the shower, came back to this moment.
- Gave myself a "pat on the back"
- Appreciation and joy for right now
- Checked in and I don't need to worry anymore

2020-04-21 07:05 - 08:05
- Followed 1-5, 5-1, 1-5, 5-1
- During the second luminous jhana sequence, felt the visual depth increase
- Still point was clearer
- There were lots of visuals occurring
- Felt like a transition from "fear" to "equanimity"
- Back to the still point again
- Seemed like the self was dissolving
- Ended with walking around meditation, felt love for all beings
- Resolutions
   - When I find my mind wandering, notice, be grateful, and come back to now
   - Live in now
   - Sit in visual concentration practice later today after a work meeeting
2020-04-21 20:00 - 20:30
- Followed the breath at the nostrils
- Was distracted by the relatively new posture when sitting on the floor
- Was distracted by thoughts toward the end of the 30 min sit
- Observed visual light blobs in perception with eyes closed
- heard light ringing in the ears
- Felt 2-3 peaks of joy/energy
-
The straight following the breat made the breath clearer when switching
from nimitta to breath or breath to nimitta for luminous jhana
practice.
- Very cool!

2020-04-22 06:38 - 07:37
- Followed two cycles of 1-4, 4-1
- Luminous phenomena were clear  at 3-4
- Clearer and more vivid luminous jhanas
- (Perhaps due to eating a lighter dinner and meditating last night?)
- Lots of visuals were present
- Kept going back to the breath
- Started practicing still point -> who is ...?
- The watcher dissolved
- Unfurling felt like the inverse of a flower opening

2020-04-22 13:25
- Detected craving for some other work situation or job situation
- I disrupted this craving by focusing on the breath

2020-04-23 06:07 - 07:30
- Had to let go of judging to go into access concentration
- 1-4, 4-1 first time, quick with more distractions
- 1-5, 5-1 second time, with fewer distractions, slower
- Sitting at night has improved concentration
- Still point -> "Who is ...?"
- Visual flickering
- Body sensations pulsing
- Felt like a deeper layer of deconstruction
- Vibrations/flickering outlived through rest of the sit and seemed stable /robust
- Flickering feeling lasted in walking meditation after the bell
- flickering feeling also lasted in sitting luminous jhana practice after the bell
- resolutions
   - deconstruct judging
The multicolored spirals seem more common after I've been staring at my laptop screen
14:46 Wow! Vivid luminous jhana 1-5?-1
Bright, strong, clear nimitta

2020-04-24 06:10-06:47
- Spent time narrating
- driven by anxiety
- right hip was sore

06:50-07:56
- Took jhana more slowly
- Did six-point review and four-phase transition
- Spent more time in each 1-4 jhana
- Nimitta seemed clear
- Still point -> who is ...?
- Lots of shaking happened
- Flickering and blinking
- Then it slowed down and stopped
- Still a few occasional vibrations, but overall, things seemed much quieter
09:51
- noticed narration again

2020-04-25 06:06
- woke up early
- tried to go back to bed
- ended up spinning in negative content
- Resolved: If I wake up and can't sleep, I will go sit
- some thoughts seem hurtful like knives or sticky like traps, but they arise and pass too!

2020-04-25 08:15 - 09:37
- Was more intentional/mindful with the six-point preparation and the four-phase transition
- It was clearer when going from breath focus to nimitta awareness for luminous jhana
- Each of the 1-5 jhanas seemed clearer
- Sat in chair for still point - > "Who is ...?"
- Much less vibration, quieter, gaps in thoughts
- Longer periods w/o verbal thought
- Inclination toward cessations
- I feel it is acceptable to cease visual concentration priority in daily life
- New priority - leaning toward 1 month of breath mindfulness with the goal of producing cessations
- Would like to take some time to process and consider the goal
- Breath mindfulness - fewer thoughts (esp verbal -> cessation)
- Some moments today were like "sleeping while sitting up"
- I'd like more of that

2020-04-26
- During still point... who is ...?
   - Seeing through others's eyes
   - Back to breath, quiet stillness, vibrations, and gaps
- Earlier in the AM, anxiety and fear were occurring
- It's probably best and wisest to leave religion and spirituality as primarily a private matter amongst friends and family
- Started with six-point preparation but became somewhat hung up on obstacles. Anxiety, fear, and regret were occurring
- Four-step transition started with more distraction but eventually settled down
- Luminous jhana practice seemed clear. Each phase 1 thru 5 seemed distinct. Boundless space seemed less jumpy and more stable.
- sitting on the floor for jhana. Left legg was closest to the body. Sitting with the legs crossed. The right leg started falling asleep.
- Went to the chair for still point plus "Who is...?" practice
- Less energy/joy/jumpiness in the still point
- More gaps were present in each sensation pulse
- The bell rang for one hour, but I continued sitting. It felt like I wasn't done.
- Stayed in and eventually experienced the insight experience listed at the beginning.
- Stayed in a bit after the experience.
- Eventually, rose for walking meditation
- Distractions  arose at first but eventually I felt completely embodied and walking in the present moment
- Returned to sit for a four-step transition in the chair
- Went into exercise and shower and daily life attempting to preserve that intentional, present, focus and awareness.
- I resolve to pursue awareness and attention in optimal balance for the next month. (Till May 26)
- I puruse closed-eyes and following the breath.
- I cultivate conditions that can cause cessations.
- Mindful Review
- It's so interesting that I feel better and more calm after meditation.
- Who is disgusted -> no one
- Who is passing on their ideas and wisdom? -> no one

2020-04-27 06:15
- Anxiety, feeling trapped
- Realization: my life depends on my choices (aka equanimity, brahma vihara, my karma)

2020-04-27 06:50 - 07:50
- Stretched while doing six-point preparation... seemed to help me stay focused and get started more smoothly
- Four-step transition to meditation went well
- 1-4 and 4-1 luminous jhanas seemed clear and distinct
- Sitting cross-legged with the right leg closest to the body
- Still point -> who is?
   - worries and cares from earlier seemed silly or nonapplicable
   - how do I balance the trainings of morality and insight?
   - felt quieter and still
   - felt occasional energy bursts when "who is...?"
      - no one
   - overall, few thoughts and less sense of "I"
   - was able to return to a similar state during walking meditation

2020-04-28 06:40 - 07:48
- more agitated, restless today
- Mind wandered during the six-point preparation and the four-step transition
- Each of the four phases of luminous jhana seemed distinct
- However, the mind wandered during them as well
- Still point ->  who is ...?
- more thoughts, distractions, and visuals
- Who is ...? _> all senses pierced through
- One single experience like an expanding snowflake shattering
- sense doors collapsing into each other
- walking and the resitting had fewer distractions
- all ambitions and goals being dissolved or shredded and then reassembled
- pictures of the memories going away and then coming back
______
|           |   smooth
|           |

                jagged/shredded
|           |  
|           |   smooth
----------


2020-04-29 03:30 - 03:50 - Early AM
- Lots of work and home improvement-related stress
- Practiced luminous jhana 1 - 2 - 1
- Practiced brief still point
- "See how it walks, see how it plans, see how it buys home improvement products,  this Jeyan."
- saw self walking into the home improvement store
20:40 - 21:00
- Evening sit
- Right leg closest to the body
- Mind wandering
- Back to the breath
- Felt meditation joy
- Saw luminous phenomena
- recurring, "see how it walks" thoughts interspersed with sights of the local home improvement store
- a smirk, a smile, and a gentle light-heartedness to all this stuff

2020-04-30
- No AM sit today
   - slept in to rest up after a shorter night last night
   - work-related email started at 7am
- Evening sit from 23:01 - 23:27
   - Four luminous jhanas
   - Who is ...? + Still point
   - Feeling the good/beneficialness of connectedness
- Feeling like "the quest is over" and feeling like "the journey is done"
- Feeling like I could donate to charity, but I don't have to
- Super interesting how the meditation reveals a perspective that seems peaceful, accepting, and at rest




2020-05-01 06:25 - 07:38
- Wow! Intense jhanic expeirence
- Started off with 6-point preparation and 4-step transition
- Nimitta arose (bit fuzzy)
- Pursued luminous jhana practice
- Wavering between pressing beyond 4th jhana or returning
- Pressed on and experienced intense energy-joy
- "Big screen" or "endless space"
- Drooling on self
- Returned back down through the jhanas fairly quickly
- Followed the breath
- Brief walking meditation
- 4-step transition again
- Left leg closest to the body
- Burmese style sitting?
- I resolve to return to the breath throughout today

2020-05-02 10:05 - 11:22
- Stretched
- Right leg closest to the body, burmese style sitting
- 6-pt review, 4-phase transition
- Work-related stress and minor home improvement stress were obstacles
- Luminous jhanas felt fairly easy to enter
- Went up to boundless space
- Had some distraction during the 5-4 and 4-5 transitions on the way down
- 5 felt like less of an intense joy/pleasure shock compared to yesterday
- Back to the breath, sitting on a chair for the second half of the sit
- Checked phone, no work updates
- Still point -> Who is ...?
- Repeated, then vibrations in body core
- Similar to the feelings last week (April 25?)
- Vibrations grew less wild and seemed to have more gaps between them
- More thoughts arose during walking meditation
- self-hatred? You don't hate on someone who doesn't exist ;-)
- Resolution: Deconstruct down even further, keep following the breat in daily life

- Read David Chapman's post on "Visceral Dislike" on the approachingaro.org site for motivation
- Liked DBDodd's comment about social worker Mahayana and found it amazingly helpful
   - emptiness and compassion
-  Instinctively squished a bug in my bathroom this morning. I resolve to relocate bugs going forward.
- Was able to remember and refrain from squishing a fly this afternoon

2020-05-03 09:07 - 10:10
- Left leg closest to the body, sitting burmese style
- Neither leg fell asleep
- Six-point preparation, four-step review
- "Me" as an obstacle... Who is "Me"?
- Jhana was distracted before starting first jhana
- Later in the sit, I was more drawn to / distracted by some of the pages I had been reading on meaningness.com
- Taking jhanas one at a time and focusing seemed fruitful. Having an intention to focus clearly seemed to help.
- Started 1-5. Interrupted on 3 by a phone call on the way down
- Resumed after phone call
- Still point -> Who is ...?
- Fewer vibrations
- More space / emptiness
- Here's where the meaningness distractions happened
- Back to the breath... Who is ...?
- The question echoed and disappeared
- Nobody there
- Brief walk, four-step transition again after sit
- Resolved remain in nonconceptual state as much as possible throughout the day

2020-05-04 06:45 - 07:45
- Distractions around 4th jhana
- Continued up to 5 & (6th?)
- Symmetry between 1-2nd jhana and 5-6th jhana?
- Still point ... who is ...?
- Letting go of grasping
- Letting go of clinging
- Especially to the self-concept of a competent provider
- Burmese, right leg closest to the body
- Right leg didn't fall asleep

2020-05-05 05:55 - 06:17
- 6-point preparation plus 4-step transition
- Left leg closest to the body, left hip hurt plus right leg fell asleep
- Luminous jhanas occurred with lights off in the room
- Nimitta seemed clearest at 4th jhana
- Letting go of trying to "force" the jhanas and allowing them to unfold more organically
- Still point -> Who is ...?
- Distraction
- Calmer, stable letting go of a clinging or grasping
- Felt very natural
- Walked a bit
- Sat back down for another 4-step transition
- Distractions arose
- Vigilance, renewed effortless focus.
- Resolved to apply increased discipline to follow the breath in daily life

2020-05-05 19:50 - 20:00
- Tons of anxiety just before and during dinner
- Subsided toward the end of dinner
- Felt much better and less stressed after the sit

2020-05-06 07:16 - 08:10
- Right leg closest to the body
- Weird hybrid of Burmese and crosslegged postures
- Right leg fell asleep
- Leaning back seemed to reduce legs falling asleep
- Jhanas seemed more intense than usual. "Letting go" of control seemed positive.
- Less time in 5th jhana / boundless space
- Sitting, focus on the breath
- Still point -> Who is ...?
- Answer: Nobody there, empty
- Work-related distractions
- Counting breaths helped focus

2020-05-07 06:13 - 07:25
- Left leg closest to the body
- Sitting Burmese style
- Ouch! By the time I moved up to the chair, my hips and knees were hurting
- Side note: Was up late last night with work and family
- Jhanas: was it dullness or greater focus / yielding?
- Time seemed to pass faster than I was aware in 4 - 5 - 4
- Felt pain in 4 on return, but seemed "stuck" in that state
- Had to "nudge" the mind back down to 3
- Sat in chair following breath + Who is ...? for remainder of the sit
- Jhanas seemed less vibratory, more calm
- I wasn't shaking in 5th jhana

Mindful Review
- Stayed up too late last night
- Didn't practice enough breath mindfulness throughout the day
- Resolved: go to bed early
- Practice breath breaks
- Stretch in the evening

2020-05-08 06:00 - 07:08
- Last night, lying in bed, saw 3d sphere/polygon in visual concentration
- This AM, had to overcome distractions and settle down
- Stretched first
- Started timer, 6-point preparation, 4-step transition
- Luminous jhanas 2 and 3 were "sticky" and clear
- Did we go up to 5 or 6? Hard to tell
- Strong 4 equanimity on the way down
- Who is ...?
- More "nondual" or "awareness" state seemed to happen when returning from distractions to the still point
- Was able to do walking meditation in what felt like a nondual state with few thoughts active
Mindful Review
- Need greater kindness toward self
- Breaks to meditate throughout day helped a lot.

2020-05-09 09:00 - 10:40
- Wow! First 1-hr sit on the floor w/o pain
- Strong and clear jhanas, moments of less bodily awareness, moments of seeming to be absorbed and jump forward in time
- Still point -> Who is ... ?  Yielded a "syncing" of two light orbs
- Felt like attention and awareness were merged
- Felt opennesss and liberation
- Burmese style sitting, further back on the cushion, left leg closest to the body
- Distractions arose between jhanas 1-5-1 and during the still point
- Walking meditation after 1 hour was steady, a bit quick
- 20 min sit after walking with the right leg closer to the body, was trickier to get comfortable/settled, but sitting back on the cushion definitely helped

Mindful Review
- More silence, fewer words
- Letting go of hurts and pain
- Acceptance
- Return to breath after experiencing anxiety


2020-05-10 08:12
Mindful Review
- when I had a shorter time to eat, I was getting scared and losing mindfulness
- Judging self and feeling like other people were judging me when my or my spouse's possessions or transportation broke or were improperly maintained

Cooked and stretched, started sit timer at 08:45

2020-05-10 08:45 - 10:10
- Wow! Insight experience! Walking meditation! Clear perceiving without external thoughts!
- Using 6-point preparation and 4-phase transition in daily life
- Noticing/looking
- Ok let's go through it in order
- Kitchen prep after the Mindful Review
- Stretched out the body
- Noticed a slight tension or pain in the right knee during the backbend stretch (?)
- Pain or tension continued to the sit start, but subsided
- 6-point preparation was fast and clear
- 4-phase transition dropped smoothly into the 1st jhana (luminous)
- 1-6 jhanas were smooth
- Not sure if I made it to 7 (neither perception nor ...?)  or if it was simply a transition to greater depth and clarity of the formless jhanas
- Returned, seemed smooth, clear, and fast
- Having a good night's sleep last night seemed to improve the clarity of the sit
- Still point ... who is ?
- Distractions between transitions but jhanas seemed more pronounced on the way up
- When distractions arose during the still point practice, counting the breaths helped things return and calm down
- Had an experience of the boundary dissolving between me and the room
- Had an experience of multiple past memories being light downloaded into my body
- General sense of buzzing/vibrating connectedness
- After the sit, during walking meditation, experienced gross distraction twice, yet noticed that if I truly focus and stay in the moment, I am in the flow and not suffering

around 11:00 am
- Opening peripheral vision while watching TV with spouse
- Letting experience totally pass through perception
- Fluxing and opening experience
- Intention and purpose: continue and remain open throughout daily life
- Keeping eyes focused on the point above the center of the TV
- Resolved: keep this up in daily life

2020-05-11 06:50 - 07:50
- Longer time in jhanas today
- Harder to distinguish 5? - higher jhanas?
- Distractions arose, but didn't seem as bothersome or as sticky'


2020-05-12 07:00 - 08:00
- Followed jhanas
- Around 5-6, felt like I "broke through" to a deeper state of flow
- Who is ... ?
- Fading self-other boundary
- My thoughts of self were mistaken, but everyone else's self-thoughts were mistaken too!
- We're one big beautiful breathing blob of life!
- I didn't remember the insight above until I meditated again around 3:15 PM on 2020-05-12

Mindful Review
- Doing chores later in the evening last night
- Lots of craving

2020-05-13 07:00 - 08:00
- Left leg closest to the body?
- Hips hurt, especially toward the end
- Noticing afterimages and other visual phenomena in daily life
- Hard to remember anything particularly unusual about this sit
- Stopped around 6th jhana (boundless consciousness)
- Pursuing greater flow and awareness in daily life
- Still getting scared or freaked out from time to time.

2020-05-14 07:07 - 08:11
- Insight experience. Light flowing from people physically around me (such as spouse and neighbors) and people from my memories.
   - "lights out" / extinguishing
- Walking around without thought after the sit
- Fantasies about telling family and telling spouse
- Extinguished those too
- Swirl -> blob
- Ramp up energy -> dissipated
- Clearer jhanas, distracted still point
- Might have been fruition? Not sure.

2020-05-16 08:18 - 09:28
- Clearer nimitta
- Seemed like I went 1-7 or 1-8 with jhanas then focused on breath
- Felt the "ramp up" of energy and then leading off
- 6-point preparation and 4-stage transition before the sit
- Right leg closest for body
- Pain in right ankle
- Twinges in left ankle and right knee
- Distractions between jhanas and during "Who is ...?" practice
- Focus on the physical sensations arising and passing to stay grounded
- At a point, the questions "Who is ...?" and the answer "No one" seemed to dissolve into one
- Let it come, let it be, let it go
- See how narration doesn't always hold all the answers.
- Working more calmly with less anxiety
- Paying more metacognitive attention throughout the day
- Mindful working
   - Stay in this moment
   - Try not to be driven by stress
   - Take it one step at a time


- Seems best to stick with the body sensations and then let them dissipate

2020-05-17 09:22
- Left leg closest
- Burmese style
- Pain/tension in the ankles
- Seat back more on the cushion
- Felt more stable
- Let jhanas "carry themselves"
- at either 7th or 8th jhana, stepped out to follow the breath
- some distractions arose
- deeper stillness
- not sure if it was pure consciousness without an object but it felt like we were getting closer
- earlier in the sit, integrating and accepting painful memories with equanimity

2020-05-18 06:50-07:50
- Right leg closest to body
- Ankles hurt after sit
- Jhana 1-7, still point
- Right after sit. Deconstructring anger/frustration
- Intention to stay mindful throughout the day
- Decide which to toend, logic, sfgage, wording last

2020-05-19 06:30 - 07:30
- Dullness during jhanas (due to tiredness/less sleep)
- Feeling united or connected during still point
- Left leg closest to the body
- Ankles hurt after sitting


2020-05-20 07:05 - 08:05
- More sleepy (worked late last night)
- However, jhanas were clearer/easier to focus
- (Determintion/willpower?)
- During following breath, had a deep unitive experience
- Felt like my soul or chi was permeating everything

2020-05-21 07:30 - 08:00
- Lots of distraction
- Made it to 4th jhana or thereabouts
-  Had to stop meditating early to address an urgent situation

2020-05-22 07:01-08:01
- Right leg closest
- Edge of cushion
- Odd burmese-style sitting
- Tired, a bit dull sit

2020-05-23
Dream GLIC Tulsa - I bumped a wall and it cam disconnected and I could see through it but I couldn't get the wall put back together

2020-05-23  10:42 - 11:42
- Up through jhanas 1 - 7(?)
- Down to 4
- Deconstructing 4 -> following the breath
- The question "Who is ...?" seems to have dissolved
- Distractions seem farther away and I seem more disconnected from them
- Left leg closest to the body
- Burmese style
- Sit felt stable
- More discomfort toward the end of the sit


- This is happening deeper, subconsciously
- I would like to instead internalize the ideal of "no escape."

2020-05-24 08:45 - 09:45, 09:45 - 10:15, 11:30 - 11:55
- sitting, walking, sitting
- During practice, directing visual attention to the nimitta helps reduce distractions
- Right leg closest to the body
- Watched some gotROM.com videos on YouTube about sitting /posture and working on using these to improve my sitting posture


2020-05-25 10:30 - 11:30, 11:30-11:50, 11:50-12:20
- sitting, walking, sitting
- Left leg closest to the body
- Resolved: more rigorous introspective awareness, especially during the still point
- First sit, Jhana 1-7-4 and sloppy still point practice
- second sit, still point with distractions
- The "Who is ...?" question is more turning to general metacognitive introspective awareness lately
- Resolution: I haven't experienced a cessation evnet yet, but I will continue my efforts toward that goal for the next month.

2020-05-26 06:10-07:10
- It's over. The quest, the search has ended. There's nothing left.
- That being said, I'll keep stretching, keep practicing, keep growing and keep integrating this perspective into my daily life.
- Jhana 1-7-4
- Still point -> who is ...?
- Took jhanas longer to get started
- Still point seemed clearer and less distracted


2020-05-27 08:35 - 08:50
- Reached 4th jhana
- Right leg closest to the body

2020-05-27 12:10 - 12:55
- Following the breath
- Who is ... ?
- Profound before/after difference in mental state
- Hard to put into words


2020-05-28 05:30 - 06:30
- Left leg closest to the body
- Right knee hurt/stiff at the end of the sit
- Jhana 1 - 7 - 4
- Still point ... who is...?
- Jhana 1-4 seemed clearer
- More distractions were present around jhanas 5-7
- All thoughts, worries, and feelings are empty
- Wow!
- Deeper still point.... they aren't there

2020-05-29 06:30 - 07:35
- Distractions were present within the 6-point preparation, between the 6-point preparation and the 4-stage transition, between jhanas, and during still point
- Left leg was closest to the body
Mindful Review
- Wow! Lots of wordly desire and aversion!
- (Reading the Second Interlude of The Mind Illuminated)
- Letting go of both during daily life will help follow the path


2020-05-30 08:15 - 08:30 (Guessing)
15 minutes of practice
- reached second jhana
- Follow breath throughout the day


2020-06-01 17:08  - 17:30
- Jhana 1-6
- Still point
- Who is?
- Piercing cellular membrane betwen self and others

2020-06-02 07:08 - 08:08
- Left leg closest to the body
- Jhanas 1-7-4
- Some distractions arose, especially when dissolving 4th Jhana back to the breath
- Still point ... who is?
- Observed luminous visuals
- Observed light noise in the background
- Felt very clear and stable
- Who is ...?
- Felt more vigilant and aware / on guard for distractions

2020-06-03
- During falling asleep found experienced equanimity flow. Felt relief

12:34 - 13:04
- Distraction arose
- Deep vibratory no-self quality to experience
- Seems like I'm able to connect into an open no-self state

2020-06-04 07:15 - 08:15
- Right leg closest to the body
- Weird snake god popped up when following the breath (or in 7th jhana? Can't quite remember)
- Distractions crescendo'd in interestingness during 1-7? jhanas
- Folowing the breath, eventually getting past the snake god mind into awareness watching itself

2020-06-05 06:20 - 06:45
- Wow craving is so temporary.
- Woke up w/ strong craving but it quickly went away

2020-06-05 08:30 - 09:30
- Left leg closest to the body
- Easier to get knees lower to the ground (now due to stretching hips?)
- More stable posture -> deeper concentration
- Jhanas 1 - 7? - 4
- Points during sit where mind and thoughts became more quiet
- Quieter, fewer thoughts
- Inclining toward cessation?
- Resolved greater awareness and fewer verbal thoughts throughout daily life.

- Resolving to recognize when I lose metacognitive introspective awareness of the present and gladly coming back to the present

2020-06-06
- Lots of agitation from a dream
- Lots of narrating after the dream
- Resolved to follow the breath before sleep to gain greater mindful awareness in dreams
- Light practice throughout the day; no formal sit today

2020-06-07 08:18 - 09:04
- Took longer for jhanas
- Sitting in a chair
- Maybe 7th jhana is boundless stillness or boundless quiet?
- Maybe 8th is boundless ...? booo.....
---
- Resolution: achieve and maintain stability of mind. Unification
- Through conduct and action and freedom from remorse.

2020-06-07 21:56
- Lots of agitation/aversion occurring

2020-06-08
- Wow. Burst of challenging doubt this AM.
- Amazing how vivid it was
- Resolution to stay with a unified mind seems to be helping.
- Activities or thoughts that produce a strong adrenaline or cortisol response (should be avoided/accepted to unify the mind?)

2020-06-08 06:38 - 07:38
- 1-7? 8? jhanas
- Following breath
- Left leg closest to the body
- Golden deity winked at me
- External Distractions arose during the still point
- Need to resolidify the still point when distractions arise, not just follow the breath
- Feeling of being beyond or behind in daily life

2020-06-09 06:41 - 07:41
- Jhana 1-4?
- Following breath, stable still point
- Two other people (one man and one woman) and I merged together
- The two people were people I had felt frustrated with over the past few weeks
- I saw myself as merged or connected with them
- Noting self-righteous anger or dissipating it or letting it go

2020-06-09 08:43
- I am one with everyone

2020-06-11 06:30 - 07:30
- Left leg was closest to the body
- Jhana 1-7? or 8? - 4
- Followed the breath
- The still point gave way to awareness quickly
- After a certain point, there was a new sense of quiet
- The quiet comes with a sense of being empty
- This seems to have persisted throughout post-sit walking
- "I have been judging existence for my whole life!"
- Downloading memories or experiences of other people, yet the quiet is still quiet
- Seeing or hearing ghosts asking me to meet their needs, yet the quiet is still quiet
- The game is over
- Everything is what it is all by itself
- This is it (in cursive)

- Having adequate sleep/rest seems to help deepen or further these insights
- Dying is the same as living
- Walking is the same as standing
- Accepted is the same as rejected
- Bored is the same as interested
- Hungry is the same as full
- Awake is the same as asleep
- Enlighted is the same as benighted
- Game over game over game over
- Afraid is the same as confident

2020-06-12 06:30 - 07:30
- Right leg closest to the body
- Jhanas 1 - 8? - 4
- Desire or craving a felt need (unclear handwriting)
- More thoughts than yesterday
- Energy bursts or whirloppols turning and disappearing?
- We're done; it's over.
- Note: Last night in bed following the breath, it was harder to focus
- Trying to keep knees from rotating when sitting cross-legged
- Knees aren't real


2020-06-13 09:55 - 10:50
- There's know I!
- I is just another thought!
- Narration is occuring
- Breathing is occurring
- Compassion is occurring
- Planning is occurring
- Those thoughts, no fear or worries
- The problems start when putting in an "I"!
- When it's "my" idea or "I'm angry."
- Wow
- Left leg closest to the body
- Jhana 1 - 7? - 4
- Followed the breath
- Still point - Who is ?
- Narration thought stream separated from the background
- It became clear that the "I think we should ..." is a separate thought stream from the default state

2020-06-14 08:05
- Woke up with a lot of agitation/doubt
- Presleep practice last night was fairly sloppy
- Maybe I should sit up in bed while following the breath before sleeping?
- Also, I should meditate after getting up each time in the evening
- THere's also a distance or a separation, especially after I'm more awake, between the agitation and myself. "Don't spin in content." (From MCTB )
- Some content, especially career anxiety and financial anxiety seems "stickier"

2020-06-14 09:08 - 10:03
- I resolve to identify negative/critical/judgmental attitudes and release them instead of hanging onto and amplifying them
- I resolve to read the suttas (Pali -> English translation to start)
- I resolve to use fewer "Hard rules"
- I resolve to remain more open to each situation on a case-by-case basis
- I resolve to return to the breath regularly, especially when judgy thoughts arise
- Jhana 1 - 8? - 4
- Following breath
- Still point -> Who is ...?
- The question itself is a thought without an "I"
- The judgment itself is a judgment
- During walking meditation, wow, my perspective on things makes a difference


2020-06-15 06:15 - 07:15
- Left leg closest to the body
- Jhana 1 - 8? - 4
- Took longer to enter jhana?
- Because I watched more TV yesterday?
- Who is ... ? -> Emptiness
- Unleashed a burst of questions
   - Who is worrying?
   - Who is saving for retirement?
   - Who is purchasing orthodontics for their children?
   - Who is ...?
- All questions disspated!
- Pulling stone statues and winking gold gods into present sitting
- Resolved: Greeting interactions, eating, and every other activity with this awareness
- Resolved: Read the suttas! Wow. DN 1 is amazing.

2020-06-16 07:00 - 07:50
- Jhana 1-8? - 4? - 5
- "Let jhana carry itself. Don't try to control."
- Practicing sitting in a car in a parking lot
- Jhanas were exceptionally vivid and clear
- Not self thoughts, breathing, "Who is ...?"
- Stopped just as no self awareness came to the fore

2020-06-17 07:20 - 08:14
- Right leg close to the body
- Jhana 1-8?-4?
- Who is... ?
- Who is...? led to ramping intensity
- Saw a spinning desk chair, but there was no one there
- Resolved: practice the discipline of silence and awareness and no-self

2020-06-17 08:32
- Less talking
- Less self thought
- More emptiness
- Slower/smoother communications

2020-06-17 12:42
- Spent an hour or so trying to research someone out of their political opinions
- This was an unskillful mistake

2020-06-17 16:33
- Wow! The constant drive for further mental activity and stimulation is unskillful.


2020-06-18 07:20 - 07:50
- Ate breakfast and had less meditation time
- Jhanas 1-8?-4 moved quickly, grateful for that
- Who is ...? ->
- Sounds and other textures
- Sat in car chair

2020-06-19 06:33 - 07:33
- Left leg was closest to the body
- Right leg fell asleep
- "Letting the jhanas arise"
- Cleaner/more vivid jhanas
- Some initial distractions
- letting them go
- Jhana 1-8, transitions seemed clearer
- "Effortless" still point
- Nimitta arose
- Remembered after stage 10, effort is required to reach awakening
- Applied effort to "Who is ...?"
- Energy vibrations
- Things seemed to dissolve
- Thoughts arising and passing like boxes on a conveyor or leaves on a stream
- There's no permanent, fixed self or I
- Even thoughts that would normally produce a lot of pursuit/craving/desire arise and pass quickly

2020-06-20 08:12 - 08:32
- Brief? 20 min practice?
- Jhanas? 1-8?-4?
- Breath -> who is?
Visiting in-laws this weekend

2020-06-21 08:40 - 09:30
- Resolved: Meditating on mind practice from TMI practice stage 9
- Less chasing cessation event and more letting everything be
- [Editing note: still need to be disciplined and hit time in meditation targets of 1 hr a day when possible]
- Metacog extrospective awareness
- Factory assembly line
- Who is ...? -> package
- No one -> package
- Factory exploded and reassembled

2020-06-22 17:36
- Having come thus far down this path...
- It would be foolish to turn back now
- How do I communicate with my spouse and orient my family around liberating sentient beings?

2020-06-22 20:40 - 21:12
- Jhana 1-8
- Tired, made distractions less prevalent
- Some Tibetan type imagery arose during the "Who is watching...?" practice

2020-06-23 12:10 - 12:40
- Sitting in car
- Jhana 1-8?-
- Breathing
- Still point
- More distractions occurred between breaths and the still point
- Nimitta seemed exceptionally bright and clear during jhana 1-3 or 1-4
- Had to bring awareness back to breath because visuals were so intriguing (or intricate)


2020-06-24 07:30 - 08:01
- Who is scheming?
- Who is ambiting?
- Anger is occurring
   - Feeling anger of all beings
- Loneliness is occurring
   - Loneliness of all beings
- Jhana seemed dull/less vivid? (tired?)
- Esp 3/4 jhana were dull
- Sitting in car seat

2020-06-24
- about 20 min meditating on the mind before bed
- meditating on the mind is a powerful practice, especially in daily life

2020-06-25 07:04 - 07:49
- Jhana 1-6 (time to be more realistic)
- Sitting on outdoor bleachers
- Anxiety arose and then "so what if someone attacks?"
- connectedness, zoomed out at globe level
- jhanas felt vivid
- still point -- who is?
- Who is...? as a gentle, subtle question, not an interrogation

2020-06-26 07:30 - 07:55
- Jhana, sitting in a car, seemed to go 1-6
- Spent a lot of time researching Culadasa and Shambhala misconduct the past few days
- Learning about Rob Burbea inspired me to practice further and deeper
- The practice is a journey
- A lot of my thoughts or doubts about my meditation practice will be answered and clarified by further practice.
- I have a lot of thoughts, doubts, or concerns about
- Having an adventurer's mindset
- Finding the realized state in every being
- Resolving to keep mindfulness in every moment of every day
- It's amazing how temporary many of my frustrations and anger are

2020-06-27 09:25 - 10:27
- Deep deconstruction of the idea "I am responsible to straighten everyone else out."
- Letting go of "Who is instructing?"
- Accepting my fellow-journeyors for who they are
- Resolved: to bring this anatta perspective to bear consistently in my daily interactions with people
- Jhana 1-6
- Left leg closest to the body
- Thoughts of "task is done. game over. the end."
- Seeing the blank empty space beyond

2020-06-28 10:00 - 10:50
- Thoughts or ideas appearing as transparent bubble-like structures and then popping
- Wherever we go and whatever happens, embrace the journey as a great adventure
- Co-creating and synthesizing meaning on the fly
- Game over
- Jhana 1-5?+ more?
- Felt like things were shutting down or disappearing during part of the post-5th jhana practice
- Tired; mind felt jumpy, restless, and undisciplined
- Felt shudders leading to disappearing or non-self-like experiences
- Felt joyful playfulness

2020-06-29
- Right leg closest to the body
- It is possible to get to nonverbal, nonconceptual, introspective
awareness where the "Who is...?" -> "No one." request and response
become nonconceptual and nonverbal
- To the
extent that I still identify or get caught in stories like "I am afriad"
or "I am angry" or "I am lonely", to that extent I am not fully awake
yet. (Is this missing something like Bio-Emotive Processing?)
- Jhanas 1-6
- After jhana 6, I experienced a quiet, "Boundless silence" but I could still hear external noise
- Was this 7th jhana (no perception)? I don't know.

2020-06-30 06:53 - 07:45
- Wow! Only one sense door after all
- Jhana 1-6
   - Hung out in 6th jhana for a while
- still point... who is ...?
- Everything dissolved
- It was like the entire surroundings were just merged with awareness
- Physical sensations, senses, and feelings all merged together

2020-07-01 07:35 - 08:05
- Just let jhanas arise
- Seemed clear and vivid
- Seems like some of my habitual reactions/body sensations are unneeded or unskillful.
- I am ... Who is ...?
- The alternate perspective of meditation is... revealing.
2020-07-01 21:00 - 21:15
- Restless mind, seeking answers
- These may be signs of uncertainty or doubt
[These may be addressed with]
- Continued practice
- Right concentration
- Diligence
- Good friends and connections
- These are antidotes to doubt, uncertainty, and discouragement

Resolved: practice all day on Saturday
Resolved: Try to find a TMI sangha
Resolved: let go of selfish ambition, covetousness, comparisons and simple live from compassion


- Resolved: block reddit from my browsers

2020-07-02 07:20 - 08:10
- Wow! Every thought,every experience is empty!
- Jhana... 1-6-?
- "Back to the nimitta" for jhana, backt o the breath for anapanasati vipassana


2020-07-03 05:19 ...
- debating whether to go back to bed or not
- Probably should try to max out the dharma potential of today since
'twill be hard to get consistent practice time on this upcoming vacation

2020-07-03 06:41
- Lots of self-talk, lots of narrative
2020-07-03 07:41
- Just spent another hour narrating.
- This came from contact with earlier thoughts
- This behavior seems suboptimal or unskillful
- This behavior seems unlikely to help me or other people
- Resolved: to let go of or release my prior commitments to other ideologies or belief systems
2020-07-03 07:45 - 11:15
- Sit (about 1 hr)
- Walk (about 30 min)
- Sit (about 1 hr)
- Lunch 12:15
- Walk 12:45
- Interrupted and stopped sitting
- Sit was going well when interrupted with deeper concentration/clarity/focus
- When feeling ill-will or anxiety toward someone, gently wishing them well and releasing the thought seems to work


2020-07-04
- Stretched to where I could touch my forehead to my knee for the  first time yesterday
- Choosing to read more of Mike Crowley's Secret Drugs of Buddhism this AM.

2020-07-04 07:41 after reading
- Lots of narration
2020-07-04 11:14
- Read / slammed the whole Mike Crowley book
- Also read about additional accusations e.g. those against Sogya Rinpoche

2020-07-04 11:30 - 12:40
- Wow! It's over
- Self-defense is ended
- All the contradictions and questions collapsed to one blissful union
- It's game over
- Jhana. Up to the general vicinity of boundless space/consciousness
- Found self following the breath
- Who is ...? seems more like a journey
- Goals
   - Practice more
   - Dial in and sync to dharma
   - Let go of self-protection

2020-07-04 cont
- Liberarting idea from the Deconstructing Yourself podcast episode on faith and doubt with Daniel Ingram
- I don't have to judge or reject myselfbased on the subtle messages of advertising
2020-07-04 20:15 - 21:15
- Wow that felt like a fruition
- Following breath
- Tons of memories or ideas on cards flowing into my body all at once
- Blip! Afterward, all was quiet

2020-07-05 03:41
- Touching nose/face a lot
- Dreaming / thinking about the some work-related technology changes
2020-07-05 06:32
- Detected some suffering and released it by following the breath
- It's challenging, but learning not to fight or resist the darker, scarier thoughts and simply accept them seems crucial.

2020-07-06
- No formal practice today
- Traveling to a more remote campground (for vacation)
- Overate at dinner and the sensations of nausea were keeping me awake
- Partly was frustrated, but at certain points I was able to make those sensations of nausea the object of meditation
- I am able to see thoughts arising and recognize, "Oh, that's not me."

2020-07-06 06:29 - 07:29
- Jhanas... got up to around 4th or so?
-
"no-self" perspective or view seems like a rapid-fire laser capable of
flipping any thought stream free of its captivating "sticky" power or
emotional valence
- A cloud of mosquitoes landed on me then bit me then dissipated
- I wounder (sic) if the problem isn't the mosquitoes by if it's really more my reaction to them?
- Meditation seemed very quiet with few thoughts after the jhanas yielded to the still point
- Thoughts that did arise were "no-self'd" rather quickly
- This lake we're camping at is beautiful
- What is beautiful? What is ugly?
- Resolved: Use as many opportunities for practice as I can get
- Resolved: Find a way to learn tantra

2020-07-07 06:55 - 07:55
- Sitting
- Jhanas
- Had to let go of judging to access jhanas
-
lack of active skillful compassion and lack of self-awareness
- Breaks from jhana to jhana were clearer today
- Not sure if this was due to better rest or having to release judgment or what.
- Made it up to the vicinity of boundless space



2020-07-08 meditation diary
Back to the breath when dealing with distractions
Practicing momentary concentration or awareness while being in a boat on a lake fishing
Found lighter jhanic states while closing eyes on water (1st or 2nd jhana?)
Practicing momentary concentration in daily life
Narrowing the minds focus into the presence (saturating? The mind into to the present moment)
Letting go of planning, strategizing, and fantasizing
Focusing on a person's bodu language and 1o4ds words
Starting with focus on breath with eyes closes
Expanding to meditating on the mind full awareness
Everything dissolving but also equanimity
Found it easier to focus on visuals daily life


2020-07-09 4:50 - 8:20
Saw spirals and other geometrical shapes
Had a moment of acceleration or intensity
Whole visual field went white
Felt different thoughts and feelings come back online
Resolution: may I suffer less. May all beings suffer less.

2020-07-10 5:00 - 6:56
Felt visual field scanning with a white bar across a dark background
Later, visuals blinked a lot quickly (5-10x per sec?) then subsided
Not sure whether to do kasina visuals or breath following tomorrow

2020-07-11 06:00 - 07:30
- Practiced mantra and visual concentration (fire kasina style) while waking up and stretching and eating breakfast

2020-07-11 07:30 - 17:04
- Not-self/not-me

- See the 3 characteristics in visual concentration imagery
- [This was my first attempt with an "all-day" sit]
- Some distracted, craving thoughts come with "I want this" mental chatter
- Letting a no-self perspective dissolve the idnetification or "I want"
- some "shudder-quiet" events recurred in every sit
- learned to walk with eyes closed on my home office room
- desire for breath following practice
- had to set in chair every other sit due to escalating pain in lower extremities
- had to grab knees up to chest during later floor sits due to ankle pain
- did not use a flame
- saw lots of spirals
- saw some 3d tunnels and hallways
- saw colored bricks
- saw some colored landscapes. Tunnel with lights, small houses dotting a hillside
- saw tablet with broken edges and hieroglyphs written on it
- Nothing I see will ever be permanent (sabbe sankhara anicca)
- Nothing I see will ever totally satisfy (sabbe sankhara dukkha)
- Nothing I see will is or will be me (anatta) <-- need to rethink this one
- Sometimes, when I would focus on the 3 characteristics while visualizing, the visuals would blur or get fuzzy
- Other times, the visuals would blink
- I would like to post to the mind illuminated reddit as well
- Found a place of more accepting myself
-
At one point, had a distraction occurring, then came back to the
visuals and saw a white unfolding flower shape. Felt like head was
spinning afterward.
2020-07-11 23:52
- Maybe not looking a flame or light and being in a darker environment was a mistake?
- Driving home with Lacey after Taryn's grad party
- Light from streetlamp or other car?
- saw elaborate triangles and circles against the darkness
- Maybe having an LED light on phone and then looking at blackness would help

2020-07-12 10:27
- Deconstructing negative emotions when they arise
- Noticing the physical, visual, and auditory component of the fantasy or feeling
- Practiced with hands over eyes, seeing more intricate visuals
- desire to practice with passion: breath and visuals
- desire to excel in career and give money for the liberation of sentient beings

??:?? - ??:??
Used candle video on phone and practiced kasina for an hour
Stared into closet so things were darker oversall
Experienced deeper , clearer visuals and more activity around the edges of the visual field
saw multiple 3d landscapes, mazes, collored bricks
when putting hands over eyes saw things in darker line drawing
Experienced the following "shudder -> stillness" event

Was doing fire kasina practice with a candle video on my phone facing a dark closet
During the practice, was aiming to notice the three characteristics (was aiming for Insight)
Visuals had become a roughly rectangular shape.The center of the rectangle was a light green color with some fluxing blotches of black.
The entire rectangle was flickering(rough frequency guesstimate was somewhere between 3 and 8 times per second?)
I felt a "shudder" or shiver building in intensity in the body
As the shudder peaked and then dissipated into the body, the green rectangle disappeared for a fraction of a second
Immediately afterward, the rectangle reappeared.However, the appearance of the rectangle was different.
The rectangle was smaller.
It was rotated differently.
The black blotches or spots were smaller as well.

My mental state also seemed different. Background thoughts still arose, but seemed to do so more slowly.

2020-07-13 06:55 - 08:00
- Very energetic, jumpy sit
-
Had to remember how to visually concentrate for luminous jhanas.
[Solidifying the nimitta instead of watching it change into spirals and
patterns]
- Close to the one hour mark, experienced a "shudder -> silence" event
- Resolved to do more anapanasati breath practice
- Had to remember to practice the still point
- Light, joyful, started laughing out loud during the sit


2020-07-14 07:35 - 07:55
- Jhana 1? - 6?
- All beings consciousness
- Included beings that I get along with and beings that I string [in relationship] with

2020-07-14 11:45 - 12:30
- Following the breath
- Some still point practice
- Felt like I experienced "shudder -> stillness" 3x
- 3rd time seemed the clearest and best [maybe clearest and most vivid?]
- Visual field went white
- Felt breath was a series of fluxing/waving sensations all over my face
- May all beings suffer less
- May I also suffer less
- Listening to Charlie Awberry and Jared Janes on "The Stoa" podcast discussing Sutra to Tantra
- Interesting
- Choosing to stick with TMI for now

2020-07-15 11:50 - 12:30
- Jhana 1-4?
- Deconstructed jhana to breath sensation
- Felt shudder -> silence 3x
- Last one was the most intense
- Seemed like entire awareness dissolved attention
- Felt waves of sensation and dissolving in the face
- Listening to Tucker Peck on Deconstructing Yourself
- psychological need? To try to save everyone? (strong yes/resonance to
this idea)

2020-07-16 12:50 - 13:10
- Jhana
- Went first through around fifth?
- May have been some 6th or even 7th in there, hard to tell
- Helped reduce stress

2020-07-17 20:00 - 20:30
- Jhana with light on
- Took a while for nimitta
- Brief breath
- Right leg closest to the body
- Started rereading MCTB2, found it very encouraging


2020-07-18 08:45 - 09:30
- Jhanas
   - Harder to see graduations or boundaries between stages
   - They seem to bled or whirl into each other
   - However, there is a noticeable transition from more distraction, more bodily awareness, fuzzier nimitta
   - To less distraction, less bodily awareness, and a clearer or sharper nimitta

2020-07-18 20:31
- So interesting how thoughts (verbal) and anxiety go together
- Read a fiction book, then noticed more verbal thoughts and anxiety
- The "Meditating on the Mind" technique seems helpful in these situations

2020-07-19 07:31
- During and after my shower this AM, lots of narration
- Resolved reduce narration and increase focus on daily life with "Meditating on Mind" and "Choiceless Awareness" and "Momentary Concentration."

2020-07-19 10:45 - 11:30
- Jhanas paid more attention or focus to directing them
- Felt like I entered 6th and experienced different languages
- After 6th jhana, followed breath
- Shudder -> blip or shudder -> jump or shudder -> silence
- Felt strong distraction right at the end of the sit right after the last shudder -> blip

- While volunteering outside earlier, noticed closing eyes, following the breath, then opening eyes and practicing "Meditating on the Mind" helped establish an open awareness without verbal/conceptual thought and without conscious experience of suffering.
- Resolved: Maintain awareness throughout daily life, reduce getting wrapped up in narration and selfishness, suffer less and cause less suffering.


2020-07-20 07:40 - 08:05
- Focused on jhana
- Nimitta seemed vivid and clear
- Maybe because I was keeping awareness while getting ready this AM.
- Using "Meditating on the Mind" in daily life to keep awareness
- Seemed to make it up to 4th jhana then 6th?
- Resolved to stay up there until the bell
- Experienced deep equanimity

2020-07-20 12:00 - 12:25
- Followed breath
- "Who is?" seemed like not even worth asking anymore
- Two shudder -> silence events
- First had deep calm afterward
- Second seemed to sneak up on me
- No-self perspective seems deeper than before
- Easier to see constant fluxing in the visual field
- Easier to notice constant background noise in hearing
- Easier to stay mentally zoomed out with awareness
- All these changes are motivating me to pursue greater awareness in daily life
- Follow breath -> quiet down -> meditate on the mind
- Is this similar to Roaring Silence?

2020-07-20 21:43
- Dissolved craving by closing eyes and concetrating on breath
- Concentration is getting stronger

2020-07-21 07:05 - 08:00
- Wow. Shudder -> silence -> less narration, less craving.
- Wanting things to be different is empty.
- Wanting things to be the same is empty.
- Wanting to break the rules is empty.
- Wanting to keep the rules is empty.
- Wanting to be powerful and successful is empty
- Hating and scorning the powerful and successful is empty
- Wanting everyone to be happy all the time is empty
- Wanting everyone to be sane, rational, healthy, mature adults is empty
- Wanting riches and wealth is empty
- Wanting noble poverty is empty
- Trying to get something not posessed is empty
- Trying to get someone else to let go is empty
- Trying to be socially respectable is empty
- Trying to be cool and disrespectful is empty

- That's enough for now
- Left leg closest to the body
- Jhanas. Focused more intensely and they seemed clearer.
- Went 1st-5th jhana?
- Felt like I experienced something after 5th jhana
- Coming back to the nimitta from distracting thoughts
- After a while in (formless?) jhanas and attempting to disperse distractions, inclined toward following breath and noticing fluctuations in the jhanas
- Following breath
- Noticing distractions
- Distractions related to wanting people to be different
- Kept following breath and focusing to reduce the impact of distractions
- Experienced some initial shudders
- Closer to the end of the sit, a larger shudder -> silence occurred
- After that experience, narration seemed to stop. Wanting people to behave differently seemed to stop.
- After a bit of time passed, thoughts of being free from rules or restrictions and being able to do whatever I want arose
- Shortly after that, there was another shudder & silence event and that thoughtstream of wanting to do whatever I wanted disappeared
- It seems I can more readily identify wanting or craving in daily life
- Also, consistently noticed since 2020-07-19 there are noticeable fluxing or variation in the visible field and some auditory background noise
- The fluxing seems to consistently be there whenever I stop and pay attention to it

2020-07-21 10:14
- Able to see causal thought chains leading to wanting things to be different more clearly
- Able to follow breath to disspiate the desire for things to be different
- When I notice wanting/craving attempting to take hold, going back to the breath

2020-07-21 14:52
- Pretty much any wanting of anything is susceptible to meditation's "seeing through"
- Concentration -> focus on breath -> dissolve wanting
2020-07-21 19:27
- Following the breath, disrupting craving/thought patterns
19:48
- Sudden burst of ill will
- Let it go
- Divest, depart, escape
- Don't hang on to anger
20:09
- It is possible to live to a degree of freedom I've never known
20:34
- Strong reaction with tons of narration
20:51
- Burst of narration again
21:38
- "Let go of the thirst for change" wasn't the answer I was looking for [from meditation]

2020-07-22 AM
- Lay down burdens carried of boundless personal growth
- Accept these humans (including Jeyan) for who they are
- A friend recommended Turkey Mountain State Park (in Indiana) as  a good place to visit

2020-07-22 07:45 - 08:05
- Jhanas: 1-6? Or higher?
- Practicing awareness and releasig anger or ill-will seems to make it faster to access jhana
- Felt bodily senses even in what seemed like formless jhanas
- Using "Meditating on the Mind" during conversation or in daily life.
- Resolved: maintain awareness and view my whole life as practice
09:36
- Anger or frustration. Letting it go. Meditating on the mind.
10:04
- Did enneagram personality test. Became distracted
17:24
- Taking time to practice after a wild day.
2020-07022 17:25 - 17:55
- Wow. Quick shudder -> silence.
- Following breath
- Lots of tantric imagery
- Kept following breath
- Everything dissolved.
- Deeper calm/acceptance/equanimity

2020-07-23 11:56
- Got up around 5:40 am
- Cooking and chores took up time
- Didn't meditate this AM
- Received surprising/unexpected message
- Thoguhts kept going back to the message
- Busy dayat work, attentio nscattered about
- Letting go of trying to make everyone emotionally mature/healthy

2020-07-23 15:33
- I want to go back to school and become a trauma counselor
- I want to help poor people, especially muslims, process trauma

16:04
- Need to complete four more tasks for work. Struggling. Anxiety?

16:12
- Narration about AM message situation.

16:14
- Accepting the situation and letting it go

17:13
- Working through my tasks for the evening. Accepting life as it comes.

18:45 - 19:50
- Staying in jhanas for a longer period of time will lead to deeper states of absorption
- The practices I am doing will naturally and organically lead to deeper insight. I don't have to be afraid of failing or falling away
- I am on the journey to fourth path
- The skills and perspective shifts I have already experienced will help me in every future experience of suffering I have forever
20:46
- Tons of emotional activation toward the idea of being a psychologist/counselor

2020-07-24 07:13 - 08:04
- Learning to see content as content instead of drilling in and trying to figure it all out
- Jhanas
- Interrupted
- Persist following breath
10:56
- I have become quite persistent about overcoming some distractions in daily life
- I resolve to become more diligent about overcoming other distractions
11:02
- Learning how to handle a large, complex, emotionally charged situation skillfully
11:09
- Gentle, skillful hand
- Seeing the content or distraction arising
- Guiding gently back to the breath
- Maintaining awareness
11:36
- Whole life mindfulness training/mindfulness practice
- Embracing the full spectrum of being
14:31
- Narration after an exciting meeting
22:18
- No verbal thought -> less dukkha
- Sabbe sankhara annica
- Sabbe sankhara dukkha
- Sabbe dhamma anatta

2020-07-25 06:40 - 07:22
- Sitting on a couch
- Jhanas, shallow to deep progression
- Felt some boundless space and consciousness in there
- Plenty of content while following the breath
- Several shudder -> silence events
- Goal: maintain focus and concentration on the state that comes after shudder -> silence
- Explore those states of being with less verbal thought
- Practice self- and other-kindness

07:45
- Relative insights into content kept arising and grabbing attention
- Noticing that diagnostic urges to help are taking over helps to see through and dissolve those urges
- Relative insights to content are something I need to learn to accept and release
- This is especially true for relative insight into how other people can improve or what other people need to do

14:53
- Letting go of self and judgment yet still engaging in conversation
- Quickly letting stuff go

07:11
- Mind calmed down and stabilized
2020-07-26 08:08 - 08:28
- Jhanas
2020-07-26 08:35 - 08:45
- Anapanasati ( breath following)
- Concentrate on no-self, anatta. Sabbe dhamma anatta.
12:10
- Read shi-ne outside on Vajrayana Now blog this AM
- Somewhat troubled by certain aspects, but appreciative of the diversity of resources and the perspective



2020-07-27 07:59
- Slept in, vacation recovery
- Practicing awareness in daily life

2020-07-27 12:21
- About 10 to 15 minutes of sloppy breath following (anapanasati)

18:03 - 18:13
- 10 minutes of better anapanasati

2020-07-28  07:50 - 08:10
- Jhanas
- Letting go of ill-will and narratives of being "right"
- Finding something beyond the confines of self


11:30 - 12:00
- Sat and anapanasati
- Realized the "bump" or "peak piti" from The Mind Illuminated Stage Nine "Calming Piti and Maturing Joy"  has been the "shudder -> silence" event
- Curious about where to go next

16:19
- Continuing to use breath following to disssipate craving

2020-07-29 11:22
- More narration today
- Read more Dharma Overground last night
2020-07-29 16:56
- Longer day at work
- Worked later
- Hungry for practice
- Noticing massive flicking/impermanence in the visual field
20:30 - 21:30
- Following breath while watching TV on the couch next to my spouse
- Seeing swish or patterns on the white wall
- Accepting myself for who I am
2020-07-30 06:50 - 07:55
- Resolved: block distracting websites
- Resolved: Focus on The Mind Illuminated practice
- Resolved: Forgive Culadasa for misconduct
- Resolved: Listen to Culadasa and Rob Burbea
- Resolved: Finish the re-read of The Mind Illuminated
- Jhanas
- Felt like maybe 7th and 8th?
- Breath following
- Put more energy into meta 7a
- Also, embraced spells of effortlessness
- Awareness expanded
- Deeper nos-elf experiences
- Seemed like consciousness without object may have occurred around a shudder -> silence
- Resolved keep metacognitive introspective awareness in daily life
- It seems possible to hold that same sort of metacognitive introspective awareness during daily life
11:26
- Wow metacognitive introspective awareness is spreading outward. Accpeting everything in my daily life.
2020-07-31 05:53
- Tons of narration
- 06:11
- Gradually, narration is subsiding
2020-07-31 06:30 - 07:30
- Scattered mind
- Repeated the 4-phase transition a couple times
- Strong/gross distraction during jhanas and breath following
- Perhaps tiredness due to early wake up time?
- Jhanas, up to at least 5th?
- Right leg closest to the body
- Resolved: more effort to counter lethargy
- Tempted to channel some anger that was arising [as motivation for activity]
- Choosing to let is dissipate instead and practice metta. [in hindsight, this seems like a good choice.]

2020-08-01 07:32 - 08:37
- Jhanas, 6 and perhaps beyond
- Left leg closest to the body
- Resolved: do more anapanasati later
- Resolved: awareness/sati throughout the day
- Overcame intesnse, emotion- and pleasure-charged distractions by
   1. Focusing on the the physical component of the sensation
   2. Keeping the nimitta in awareness and with as many moments of attention as possible
   3. Is this worth a TMI subreddit post?
- Maybe another post describing how to mindfully stay aware in daily life
- Culadasa said in meditation and insight audio #1 that sitting is like training wheels and awareness + attention = sati in daily life is riding the bike
- Resolved: Look up trauma counselors in our area with strong community service records
- Goal: Get licensed and become a trauma counselor
- Firnding motivation and intensity to take on this challenge and maintain my job
- Discipline is required
- Seeing through others eyes. Anger isn't stable motivation

2020-08-02 08:30 - 09:20
- Ended sit with seeing a tantric buddha after what seemed like pure consciousness without an object
- Started with jhanas
- Distractions happened around the four-phase transition to the meditation object (especially between the six-point preparation and the four-phase transition)
- Distractions around jhana transitions
- Was the tantric deity Chenrezigs?
- Several shudder -> silence events occurred
- Awareness, when strong and balanced, seems to make it easier to sense consciousness without an object

10:45
- Shudder -> silence events occurred while sitting with the eyes open

2020-08-02 16:30
- Distracted by looking up web pages and books while talking on the phone with loved ones
- Resolved: pursue greater awareness... maybe using a note pad to take paper notes on what to look up after talking to them?
19:59
- Metacognitive introspective awareness is catching and preventing distractions as I'm working on this very meditation log. Cool!

2020-08-02 14:35 - 15:20
- Right leg closest
- Before sit, metacognitive introspective awareness helped to release / let go of craving
- Jhanas up to 6+ during the sit
- Interrupted several times
- Following breath
- Pride seems to come from looking at the past
- Pride drives to obsessive behavior to defend acts or achievements and maintain the pride source
- Metacognitive introspective awareness and calming/pacifying the mind, releases pride. Joy and presence in the present moment sems to unlock or release pride.
- Joy and release from wanting. Pride in the past includes a subtle warning or craving in the future.
- Judging another person situation implies wanting them to change. Joy and gratitude implies not clinging to judgment.
- Joy and present moment awareness seems like a gateway to consciousness without object.
- Feeling those small disturbances or subtle cravings like threads reaching out for a different or change world state with the implied narrative "I won't be happy unless..."
2020-08-03 06:03
- Subtle clinging to being right
- Letting go. Accepting limits of self-knowledge and other-knowledge.
2020-08-04 06:40 - 07:40
- Cutting the last thread of craving
- Jhanas, 6++
- Following breath, shudder into silence.
- Seeing desires or cravings like strings reaching out from me.
- Seeing the cord or string fray down
- One purple colored strand
- This was all appearing during breath-following (anapanasati)
- Purple strand was trying to change or alter the world, including altering myself

2020-08-04 12:10
- Noticed anxiety building during work lunch break
- Maybe this was more like energy or restlessness?

2020-08-04 17:23
- More restless energy

21:12
- It is possible for me to walk around in daily life [with awareness?]! Wow!
- Describing insight experiences with analogies. My experiences seem to be like that. (cutting a string)


2020-08-04
- Having mindfulness seemed to instantly purify a stressful situation that happened (purify the emotions) and help me sleep last night
- Was doing Culadasa insight audio (part 3?). Big positive impact
- "Pay as close attention as possible to the breath."
- "Was there a watcher or just the watching?"

2020-08-05 09:30-09:45
- Quick jhanas run
- Made to about 4th?
2020-08-05 11:27
- Following breath in "zoomed out" mode of practice
- No suffering (no gross suffering)
- Wow this is amazing
- Is there a watcher or just the watching?
- Just seeing , no seer
12:11 - 12:31
- Following breath
- Started with more distractions
- Settled down into states with less (much less) suffering
- New appreciation for sabbe dhamma anatta (all dhamma is not-self)
17:07
- Tired, less sleep, longer days
- Resolving to stay energized and push through
- My clients and co-adventurers are waiting ;-)


2020-08-06 03:56
- Tension, bracing for interpersonal conflict

2020-08-06 05:29
- Letting go of ill-will by practicing metta toward those people
2020-08-06 06:20
- Letting go of the idea that career success is the #1 or most important thing

2020-08-06 06:45 - 07:50
- Wow! It's been there the whole time!
- No seer, only seeing
- No breather, only breathing ...
- No lover, only loving
- Threads of craving cut, then arising to dance
- Left leg closest to the body
- Jhanas 1 through 6+
- Distractions appearing and causing change in body sensation but not capturing attention

09:34
- Letting go of judging others, letting fortune rise and fall
- Wishing well and good to all people

10:51
- Wishing all beings wellness
11:30
- See craving and dissolve it as sensation
16:07
- Experiencing an emotion as a body sensation followed by a split-second later by a verbal thought narrative
19:42
- Mind fixed on a new idea-burst of excitement. Then, narration, then realized the idea was empty/impermanent/anicca

2020-08-07 07:12 - 08:12
- Jeyan is empty
- Spouse is empty
- Parents are empty
- Right leg closest to body
- Jhanas: 1- 6++
- 6+ seemed to have no fluctuations
- 6++ had an additional fluctuation or resonance
- When distractions arise in jhanas, stopping moving upward and remaining in the current jhana seems to help
- Maybe worth a TMI reddit post?
- Lots of distractions when going from 6++ back to the breath
- Distractions settled down, then started seeing self as empty
- Seeing past fears, anxieties, and religious beliefs as a child version of myself as empty
- Following breath, especially toward the end of the with with clear metacognitive introspective awareness
- Seemed obvious that no watcher was there
- Starting to see cause and effect of thoughts and emotion or body sensation

09:27
- Resolved: practice mindful eating
- See how empty narration or dialogues are
- Resolved: more focus on doing just one thing at a time

11:22
- Taking a brief breakwhile working to establish metacognitive introspective awareness
- Take a few breaths in/out
- Notice that there's no watcher
- Fade into the flow
12:39
- Pain or frustration leading to attempts to avoid pain
22:05
- See duality or judgment in self and other
- Seeing how mind tries to split pleasant and unpleasant, good and bad.
- Letting go of these distractions
- Good person, bad person, good idea, bad idea
- What about skillful vs. unskillful?
- This is different from good and bad, methinks
- But I guess we'll have to see

2020-08-08
- Some time during the past week, my head kept involuntarily wanting to turn to the left.

2020-08-08 09:10 - 10:10
- Left leg closest to the body
- Right log got numb/tingling
- Jhanas
- Transition from jhanas to breath following was unusually clear
- More distractions were present than normal
- Some distractions were related to the films I had watched last night
- During breath following, the sense of "no watcher, only watching" was present
- It was fascinating to watch the clearer orb-like nimitta of the jhanas dissolve into multicolored spirals and flickering dots during breath-following
- I believe this was an insight experience into impermanence
- Learning to see emotions that arise in daily life as "not-me" or "not-mine" and thus be less wrapped up in them
- Ooh! Compassion for friends is occurring.
- Nostalgia for the past is occurring
- Etc.
12:15
- Noticing myself being deeply drawn/attracted to helping address a work-related issue
- Taking a break to refocus on my goals for today

2020-08-09 08:09 - 09:09
- Cutting the cords of craving/suffering
- Different situations arising and then feeling craving or desire for things to be different and then cutting or slicing through that
- Cords or strings lying limp on the floor from acceptance
- Some emotional content is arising
- Earlier, fears or anxieties were arising
- Accepting each person for who they are, yet having healthy boundaries
- Left leg closest to the body
- Jhanas: 1 - 6++
- Nimitta was more irregular/patchy today during jhana practice.
- Following breath.
- Shudder -> silence happening repeatedly.
- Less intense, more nuanced "untangling" happening

12:40
- Bumped into unexpected anger/hate


2020-08-09 21:45 - 22:17
- Wow! Releasing tension and offering everything/all cravings into the shudder/silence event seemed to work well
- Sitting following breath/anapanasati w/ left leg closest to the body for 30 min
- Saw some sacred geometry at the start of the sit
- Some animation or animated characters (black and white)
- Faces passing by
- Saw images/impressions of craving disappearing into shudder/silence

2020-08-10 06:57 - 07:57
- Wow! Pure consciousness without object is like a black hole that eats up craving
- Wow! Focusing on each jhana, (esp 1-3) individually and letting it stabilize before moving on makes the whole sit clearer
- Resolved: As much silence as possible
- Resolved: Remainwithin the audio teachings of the TMI tradition, for now.
- Noticing self talking/losing mindfulness
- When judging someone else
- When nervous about a conversation
- When caught up in narration

2020-08-11 11:50 - 12:35
- Following breath sitting in car
- Jhanas 1-6++
- Taking earlier jhanas step-by-step increased their resolution and clarity
- Following breath at nostrils
- Attempting to get pure consciousness without object with less body vibrations and greater calm
- "Tease it out."

2020-08-12 07:30 - 08:00
- Jhanas only
- Felt easier / more stable in a way
18:50 - 17:35
- Following breath
- Shudder -> silence
- Interrupted in the middle
- Breath causing vibrations at the nose around 7 cycle per sec
- Sense of deeper equanimity and calm
- Resolving to remain in shudder -> silence for about 1 sec
- Not sure if I was successful or not



2020-08-13 12:00 - 12:30
- Jhanas and following breath
- Shorter sit so lingered in the jhanas

17:36 - 18:06
- Working on taking the shudder out of shudder -> silence
- Resolved to remain in silence/cessation/pala for 3 secs
- Not 100% sure, but a 3 sec cessation didn't seem to happen
- Following breath at nose intently
- Metacognitive introspective awareness shows breathing with no one there
- Resolving to continue practice
- Resolving to not get too fixated on what exactly I have or don't have
- Resolving to practice seeing without self in daily life
- Sensing breath vibrations around 7-10 axles/sec
- The idea of forgiving past hurts from spiritual teachers seems to be improving and empowering practice
- Distractions seemed less present
- Looking to balance/apply the correct level of effort
- Having ideas for possible grad school projects (meditation apps!)
- Putting energy into less shaking
- Mind seems to jump 3 frames ahead

2020-08-14 06:50 - 07:54
- Wow!
- "I got it" -> "Wasn't 3 secs"
- One hour sit length is crucial
- "sabbe sankhara anicca, sabbe sankhara dukkha, sabbe dhamma anatta"
- seemed to work as a mantra
- jhanas were vivid and clear
- 6+ - boundless silence
- still heard by voice during 6+
- 6++ is boundless fluctuation? Like 6+ with wiggles?
- Following breath
- Felt like energy currents were good and stable in the body
- There was a point after 45 min where energy seemed to subside
- During final 15 min, energy returned, but the bigger shudder -> silence seemed to drop everything including energy
- Resolved: sit for one continuous hour as much as possible (exceptions for health on vacay)
- Resolved: although this feels so calm and chill, keep pushing for more.

08:18
- I don't have to worry about "being true to myself." because I don't exist!
12:14
- Noticing aversion toward certain tasks
- Slicing into aversion with acceptance/equanimitiy
- Repeated lines are important in movies, dreams, and real life
- Flickers of thanos?

2020-08-15 07:30 - 08:30
- Sitting, left leg closest
- Jhanas 1 - 6+
- 6+ -> boundless silence (?)
- 6++ -> boundless equanimity?
- Desire for an analog meditation timer
- Taking the transition from jhanas to vipassana more gently
- Riding an escalator instead of jumping off the stairs
- Distractions were related to avoiding or preventing unpleasant situations
08:30 - 09:00
- Walking meditation
- Slow. One foot, up/down. Shift weight. Next foot.
- Started attending eSangha this past week where I asked for this.
- Walking this way seemed less distracted and more sustainable
09:00 - 10:00
- Wow!
- Sitting. Pain/numbness arose in the right leg. Left leg was the closest to the body.
- Left leg was closest to the body.
- Close to the end of the hour, experienced a shudder -> silence or shudder -> gap event
- Sensation of pain or numbness in the right leg disappeared during the event and then came back
- Felt like this gap or silence lasted for about 0.5 sec
- Less of a "me" or "I" was present afterward
- Resolution: Find and schedule more all day sits
- Resolution: Stay aware / alert and remember the goals in daily life
- Side note: in daily life, experienced noticing unwholesome motivation and then after seeing it noticing it shifting to wholesome motivation.
- From greed to metta or kindness

2020-08-15 17:59
- Noticing subtle craving for other people to act differently
- Learning to relax that craving and let people be who they are.

2020-08-16
- "Om mani padme hung"
- Tibetan something sitting on a chair in the middle of a what room?

2020-08-16 06:30 - 07:30
- Wow!
- More calm, peaceful relaxed transition from shamatha to vipassana seems to work
- Offering cravings to the gap
- Lust/anger/fear
- This time, uniquely seemed to be offering weird sense perceptions to the gap
- Almost seemed like body snsations of different shapes/sizes?
- Jhanas 1-6++ (wanna call it 8 after this round? :-) )
- No-self. Wow! Loving from emptiness.
- Nonself perspective on interpersonal conflict.

- Resolved: get less stressed or tied into temporary narratives at work today.

2020-08-17 06:45 - 07:45
- Very vivid sit
- Jhanas to following breath
- Left leg closest to the body
- Gentle transition from jhanas to breath
- Lying on ground offer sit realizing, "Wow! All suffering on wanting stuff is so temporary."
- If I remember, this suffering will be way less.
- Vivid experience of gaps, seemed to be around 1 sec.
- Taking more time to get comfy on cushion helped reduce numbness
- Creepy/scary imagery of bats/snakes popped up
- Sending metta to the monsters and watching them turn friendly
- Gentle, subtle, firm awareness of no-self, scalpel instead of broadsword (TMI quote)
- More deep emptiness experience around 45-min into the sit
- Resolved: Find a sustainable way to do retreats
- Experience seemed more calm, more stable, and less shaky.
18:06
- Working with skillful, wise forgiveness
- An element of letting go of the past pain/suffering
- An element of seeing and understanding the mistakes the other person made
- An element of preventing future risk exposure
- An element of where possible healing relationships and creating togetherness.

2020-08-18 07:15
- Wow!
- There's no self!
- Right leg closest
- Jhanas 1-6++
- More sleepy today
- Gentle transition from shamatha to vipassana
- Remembering sutta saying "This is skillful; this is unskillful."
- When I first read it, "I" thought, "Cool, now I know that there's skillful stuff to do, I can do that stuff and get awakened."
- During no self experience in the sit today, I remembered. "There's no 'I' in the sutta!"
- Replayed memories of people doing stuff
- "Oh, this reinforces a separate self and is unskillful."
- "Oh, this undermines a separate self and is skillful."
- Totally changed the reading of the sutta
- The prior, original reading I had was pretty unskillful! Wow!
- Seeing many walking around out there trapped in the delusion of a separate self. Wow.
- the no-self/gap/"I" blinking experience today included
   - More/lots of body shakes
   - Repeated shudder/silence
   - gaps that felt 1-1.5 sec long
   - Imagery of an eye blinking
- Intentions to keep repeating gap experience/con w/o object/fruitions

11:48
- The Brahmajala sutta
- Eel wriggling, avoiding skillful vs. unskillful

2020-08-19 07:35
- Wow! So blessed, so rich, so fortunate is this Jey guy.
- Fortunate to have learned meditation and had opportunity to share it.
- May all beings find the rich joy in every moment
- Wow, greed is far away right now.

2020-08-19 08:03 - 08:14
- Quick jhana run
- Felt like jhana 1-4
- Thinking about sutta with untouchable lady giving Ananda water. Wanna look that up.

08:37
- Wow! Everything is temporary. This is so liberating.

13:17
- Seeing self like a coworker I know the face but not the name. e.g. seeing my self as "Oh yeah that Jey guy."

13:18
- Realizing how futile or empty judging other people is. They don't exist!
- Realizing how futile or empty debates about what the Buddha said are... "He didn't exist!"

13:30 - 13:49
- Sitting, following the breath
- Felt like shudder -> silence occurred multiple times
- Flashback to feeling bad because I may have disappointed someone.
- Chuckling at this now.
- They were disappointed in nobody! :-)
- Lots of wild shaking, but I feel fine.

14:04
- Wow there's inherent separation in "I want $blah from other person." (and craving too)

2020-08-20 06:15 - 07:45
- Brief interruption at 6:35
- Left leg closest to the body
- gap / pala/shudder -> silence repeated several times
- More intense shaking or shuddering in the body around the gap
- Jhanas 1-6++
- Gentle, kind, firm, resolution to look into tonha/craving

2020-08-20 16:45
- Seems like suffering
- Wishing things were different
- Stressed/concerned about logistics for a weekend trip
- Working on accepting/letting go

2020-08-20 17:40
- Eating dinner helped me feel much better
- Seems like the physical exhaustion/tiredness is separate from the wanting things to be different

2020-08-20 20:00 - 20:15
- Prep sit for a Thu pm dharma discussion
- Brief gap

2020-08-21 06:30 - 07;30
- Right leg closest to the body
- Tired, jhanas seemed sloppier.
- Lots of thoughts arising about how to help or support the spread of the dharma
- Lots of strategizing around, "What is skillful compassion?"
- Took time gently in the 6+ and 6++
- Seemed skillful to let go of fear of jhana traps and stabilize them before turning to vipassana
- Turned to vipassana
- Shudder -> silence /gap/pala hit quickly
- Inclined toward dukkha by memory of scary/stressful time
- When the gap hit shortly afterward, it seemed like a painless big blunt spear or other large implement was pushed through my back distorting all body sensations
- Afteward, the gap hit and the feeling of calm/equanimity was deep
- Less shaking in the body today
- Resolved: Live with compassion
- Resolved: Show metta this weekend on my trip

2020-08-21 10:42
- Seeing subtle aversion pop up toward people and situations


2020-08-22
07:44 - 08:18
- Jhanas 1-5
- Following breath
- Seemed like some shudder -> silence gap
- Seemed like some dukkha into gap as well
- Meditating lying in bed in tent
- Practicing lying in bed in the morning might be a doorway to practice on vacation weekends

2020-08-23 06:12
- Mind spinning/papanca
- Trying to plan or strategize next week too much

2020-08-23 16:14
- Sending metta toward different people during motivation step of 6-point preparation or just before sitting seems to help stabilize jhanas.

2020-08-24 05:47
- When noticing craving resolved to either come back to the breath or to the present moment

2020-08-24 05:50 - 07:09
- When less effort or energy are applied, practice seems to head for no-self territory
- Very calm-seeming, very equanimous
- When energy and effort are applied, practice seems to be headed toward seeing tanha
- Focus does not seem to  be on uprooting tanha, focus just seems to be seeing it.
- Current attitude toward tanha seems like attitude toward Mara in the suttas, "Hello, friend."
- There is a sense of danger, but also a sense of friendly equanimity
- Right leg closest to the body
- Jhanas 1 - 6++
- Following breath afterward
- Shudder + silence (gap/pala)
- Finding thoughts turning toward planning or wanting to settle disputes and differences
- Seems like tanha for tranquility
- Instead, let it do it's thing!
- Allow the conflict to be there without trying to solve it.

2020-08-25 06:52 - 07:53
- Watch, stay alert, see tanha
- It is possible to go further than you can even imagine
- Sitting in a chair
- Jhanas 1-6++
- Even much deeper jhanas are possible
- Seeing memories as alive or conscious during 6th jhana
- Urge to check timer from 40 min to 45 min into the sit
- Shudder -> silence/gap/pala
- Tanha disappears and comes back
- Tanha like little grabby worms coming out of body sensations
- Tanha as work-related planning/fantasy imagery.
- Resolved: stay mindful and alert, keep seeing tanha.

2020-08-26 07:20 - 07:50
- Jhanas 1-8 [1-6++?]
- Brief anapanasati
- Shudder silence/gaps
- Tanha as tentacle-like sensations or visual imagery
- Kinda like venom from spider-man

2020-08-27 05:21
- Tanha is super fast, super tied to "me", super wants everything to change
- Having the stance of "oh, hello friend" toward tanha. Not getting mad or angry at it but having equanimity.
- Tanha for this "self" to be permanent
- Tanha for this "self" to be better or different

2020-08-27 07:10 - 08:10
- Metacognitive introspective awareness in daily life up to sit
   - While driving
   - While walking
   - Helped open stable jhanas 1-6++ sooner
- Metacognitive introspective awareness helps see tanha and relax it
- Metacognitive introspective awareness helps deepen or stabilize gaps/pala and notice anatta
- Slowing down the transition from formal sitting to other life activities seems to help maintain metacognitive introspective awareness.

08:20
- Tanha likes to separate people from formal sitting to other life activities seems to help maintain metacognitive introspective awareness

08:20
- Tanha likes to separate people from causes, conditions, and dependent origination.

08:27
- seeing anxiety as tanha.
- earlier this AM, seeing how tanha agglomerates or sticks things together
- sticking physical sensation (like being out of breath from walking fast) w/ emotional narrative (being huffy or frustrated with someone)

08:53
- hunger sensations being linked to a mental narrative about a future event

09:49
- tanha, wanting other people to be different
- when the mind is restless or jumpy, more tanha seems present
- slowing down work motions to maintain metacognitive introspective awareness, even on a computer

10:16
- Being less jumpy, moving windows more intentionally on laptop seems to cause less tanha, less suffering

10:31
- Wow tanha is the cause of suffering!
- Metacognitive introspective awareness in daily life helps see tanha

2020-08-28 05:30 - 06:30
- Jhanas 1-6++
- Right leg closest to the body
- Sat before stretching/yoga today
- When sitting with the knees lower to the ground, way more energy
- Seeing compassion/metta replace anxiety as the motivation for necessary tasks
- Distractions popped up between jhanas and during shamatha -> vipassana transition
- Resolved: Maintain metacognitive introspective awareness in daily life
- Resolved: see tanha
- Resolved: Allow each person to be where they're at. Stop trying to make people be different

2020-08-28 14:55
- Lots of hustle and bustle today; less mindful awareness.
- Setting intention for deeper awareness this afternoon

15:50
- Wow! Tons of tanha around not wanting people to fight.

2020-08-29 07:51
- Wow! Letting go of craving/tanha to be a better person or make other people better
- glad I didn't try to fix everyone without their consent
- Letting go of craving/tanha to defend or uphold my religious or spiritual or political beliefs
- Letting go of tanha/desire to keep the peace

2020-08-29 08:01 - 09:05
- Vivid sit, intense visuals
- Felt like I had recently exercised after the sit (kinda physical exertion feeling like after swimming)
- Tanha seemed to arise as tentacle-like body sensations
- Gap/pala seems to cut them off or drop them
- Equanimity seems to calm them down or make them more smooth and less grabby
- There doesn't seem to be strong intention to uproot or remove tanha right now; just to observe and give it equanimity with a bit of metta
- Vivid visuals and imagery in this sit
- Group of D&D-style adventurers setting out on a quest into a dark forest
- Some characters were casting illumination spells
- Some characters were big and strong
- They encountered dark blobs of goo in the forest
- Aside: tanha is way more clear when sitting, but getting easier to see in daily life
- It seems far more obvious that tanha is the direct cause of all the suffering ever experienced
- This is requiring a lot of vigilance when talking to people, especially family members
- When they tell me a story about dukkha, the tanha is super evident
- When mindfulness drops in daily life, a dukkha story can get started, but once awareness comes back, it's like, "Oh yeah, there's the tanha again."
- Ok back to the story
- The adventurers ran toward the blobs, but hugged them instead of fighting or punching them
- The blobs turned purple and there was happiness and togetherness
- Experience of the second noble truth is like going from playing this video game always trying to get to the next level to "game over" on the screen and the game stops working
- Tried to pull out the cartridge and blow on it, tried pressing all the buttons, but the screen keeps saying "Game Over."
- Second noble truth was/is an insight problem like the Law of Universal Gravitation was/is an insight
- Once you "get" gravity, you realize there's one single force pulling me down off the swingset and moving the planets
- Once you "get" the second noble truth you realize deeply there's just one cause behind all your suffering
- Why don't we learn the second noble truth in school like we learn gravity?

Hi friends!

I'm still practicing regularly but there's quite a backlog of meditation entries for me to type up.

In the mean time, here's a formal resolution I made today.

All the best to you in your practice and life adventure!
Jey


I resolve to remain mindfully aware of every sensation entering these sense doors.
I resolve to let each sensation show its true characteristics and reveal its nature.
I resolve to permanently release, drop, and let go of the habitual fixation or attachment to a self, centerpoint, or watcher as a permanent, unchanging, continuous, stable reality. I resolve to experience sensations of self as they truly are: having the same nature as all other sensations.
May these resolutions impact me and everyone I encounter for good, blessing, and benefit.

UPDATE: found the notes for 2020-08-29 through 2020-09-20

2020-08-29 07:51
- Wow! Letting go of craving to be a better person or make other people better
- Glad I didn't try to fix everyone without their consent
- Letting go of craving to defend or uphold my religious or spiritual beliefs
- Letting go of tanha to keep the peace

2020-08-29 08:01 - 09:05
- Vivid sit, intense visuals
- Felt like I had recently exercised afterward
- Tanha seemed to arise as tentacle-like body sensations
- gap/pala seems to cut them off or drop them
- there doesn't seem to be strong intention to uproot or remove tanha right now, just to observe and give it equanimity w/ a bit of metta
- vivid visuals and imagery in this sit
- group of D&D-style adventurers setting out on a quest into a dark forest
- some characters were casting illuminations
- some were big and strong
- they encountered dark blobs of goo in the forest
- aside: tanha is way more clear when sitting, but getting eaiser  to see in daily life
- it seems far more obvious that tanha is the direct cause of all the suffering ever experienced
- this is requiring a lot of vigiliance when talking to people
- when they tell me a story about dukkha, the tanha is super evident
- when mindfulness drops in daily life, a dukkha story can get started, but once awareness comes back it's like "Oh yeah, there's the tanha again."
- ok back to the story
- experience of the 2nd NT (noble truth) is like going from playing this video game always trying to get to the next level to "game over" on the screen and the game stops working
- tried to pull out the cartridge and blow on it, tried pressing all the buttons, but the screen keeps saying "Game Over"
- second noble truth was an insight problem like the Law of Universal Gravitation was an insight problem
- Once you "get" gravity you realize there's one signle force pulling me down off the swingset and also moving the planets
- Once you "get" the second noble truth, you realize deeply there's just one cause behind all your suffering
- Why don't we learn the second noble truth in school like gravity?

2020-08-30 06:25
- tanha storm after waking up
- initially, tried to fight it
- but that didn't seem to help much
- accepting it made a huge difference

2020-08-30 06:30 - 07:30
- may I sit more often and experience the fruit of these practices more often
- jhanas 1-6++
- anapanasati -> shudder -> silence/gap/pala
- mind seemed to make tanha-fueled fantasies and then black out
- started with sex/money/power/food fantasies
- moved up to being dharma celeb or helping people
- seemed to climax in being myself or being me
- intending to ask [meditation] teacher about this
- it was posssible to simply focus on emptiness / anatta if effort was applied and block out the tanha fantasies
- planning to lighten effort and let mind work out tanha for now and double-check with teacher and meditation group later

2020-08-31 06:20 - 07:20
- Wow, intense, vivid exprience of tanha-fueled fantasies, thoughts, inclination, impression, etc. being offered up to the gap/shudder -> silence/pala
- When following breath and keeping metacognitive introspective awareness, it seems possible to stabilize the anatta more
- some of the tanha fantasies were replays of circumstances or situations from 10+ years ago
- letting go of narration and craving can bring deep relief

2020-08-31 10:49
- Seems possible for deep pockets of craving/tanha to be driving behavior at a hidden/unconscious level

2020-09-01 06:25 - 06:55
- Resolved: do some close following on breath
- sitting in chair
- jhanas 1-6++
- some shudder/silence/gap/pala- seemed like Marra was trying to incite fear with visions of death during jhanas
- Mara seemed to be grabbing and pulling my soul out during one of the gaps (dukkha door?)

2020-09-01 10:12
- Accidentally was unuted on a video call
- seeing tanha for ettiquette or for being polite or competent
- kindness to self, accepting failures

2020-09-01 22:15
- Resolution: increase resolution/sensory clarity of the breath
- Resolution: see tanha sooner

2020-09-02 05:40
- Resolved: zoom in on tanha with faster shutter speed. Freeze frame the tentacle.

2020-09-02 07:45 - 08:08
- Jhanas 1-6++
- Quick anapanasati
- Following instructions to stabilize/let the energy flow through the body reduced kriyas
- Following instructions to view or notice tanha
- Felt construction in chest or belly
- Later in sit, noticing mind wanting to jump or attach to sensations/mental images of stuff "out there"
-

2020-09-02 09:57
- Feeling wanty or clingy in the chest or belly
- Seems like it is possible to go instantly into a state with piti after closing eyes during daily life...
- Piti, energy nimitta

2020-09-02 10:20
- Does stabilizing more shamatha/concentration states in daily life make it more obvious when tanha is happening?

2020-09-03 07:45 - 08:05
- Jhanas 1-6++
- jhanas are helping reduce distractions/let go of anxiety due to worry/remorse
- Solution to the "retreat problem" is to take vacay days off work and go sit

2020-09-03 conclusion after dream
- Nothing needs to be added to or taken away from experience
- This is it

2020-09-04 12:56 - 13:11
- Progress of Insight backwards
- Fruition
- Left leg closest
- Right leg fell asleep
- Pala -> creepy feel/gross feels -> explosion -> body aches/stiff -> nama rupa

2020-09-04 17:10
- Letting go of wishing others to act differently

2020-09-06 11:30
- Eating slowly, less craving
- Taking every moment as practice, jhanic resonance

2020-09-06 12:05
- Quick jhana run + shudder -> silence or gap or pala sit
- Forgot to look for tanha
- Jhanas felt like 1-6++

2020-09-07 08:32
- Self-righteous anger is rooted in tanha
- Disliking/hating someone as a motivation for action is unskillful
- Learning to let anger go and trust compassion

2020-09-07 08:50 - 09:50
- Sitting, right leg closest, cushion handle forward
- Legs did not fall asleep
- Jhanas 1-6++
- Tanha tentacles arising and being released by fruitions/gaps
- Seeing how no experience of pleasure attained or pain avoided will ever satisfy
- More gaps, more frequently
- Seems like gaps may have been longer

2020-09-07 14:30 - 16:46
- I don't know what happened but it's *amazing*
- Words in mind space "GIVE UP" "LET GO OF THE WHEEL"
- Wheel spinning
- Wheel of samsara (?)
- Grabbing it means want it to charnge, wanting to control it
- Letting go and seeing the wheel still spinnning w/ nobody turning it
- Perceptions coming through the six sense doors will never satisfy
- Let go of the wheel
- Hanging onto the wheel is entrapment
- Letting go means never coming back
- There's no "I" ; it all happens by itself!
- This Jey person is never coming back
- the most amazing, fulfilling, joyous life will ultimately be filled with dukkha
- Jhana-like or shamatha-like states with plenty of piti have been occurring in daily life
- Practicing more today. The formless jhanas, esp after 6th, were quieter and closer to the traditional/MCTB description
- Resolved: keep practicing
- Resolved: work up to  seven total days on retreat (currently at 5)
- gap/pala/fruition were more clear as well

2020-09-08 06:30 - 07:00 and 07;05 - 07:30
- Wow! Sabbe sankhara dukkha
- Lots of gaps/pala/fruitions
- Seems that jhanas 1-6++ -> fruitions are a beneficial path

2020-09-09 16:51
- Mindful speech
- How do I communicate more skillfully with friends and family in light of these new experiences?
- Not saying, "I'm scared ..." but saying " ... ? "


2020-09-10 06:45 - 07:30
- Jhana 1-6++
- Work-related planning popping up a lot
- Jhanas felt vivid and deep
- Sabbe sankhara dukkha

2020-09-11 08:32
- Detecting tons of subtle tanha around "judging self" and "judging others"
- Does this mean I'm experiencing aversion?

2020-09-11 08:35 - 09:25
- Left leg closest to body
- More stable/clean energy pattern moving through body
- Letting go or releasing past trauma or self-punishment
- Lots of gaps/pala/fruitions
- Some skillful intentions or nonselfish intentions seem to last through some gaps
- Excavating out pockets of tanha or habitual modes of being
- read some Jeffrey A Martin research today
- Excavating tanha for people to not cause more dukkha
- Jeff Martin: very interesting that people seem to keep prior ideas such as environmentalism after persistent non-symbolic experience

2020-09-12
- On vacation, capming
- Practicing while lying down on bed in tent
- Jhanas 1-4... maybe 5-6+ also?
- Busier, more stressful time in daily life, lots of physical activity
- Light food poisoning led to diarrhea
- Body sensations were vivid. Especially of initial blockage cleared and total release of all colon contents.
- Another vivid sensation was releasing water/fluid after solid waste
- Visions of rapid birth death brith of friends on trail walk
- Brief blips or gaps occurred throughout the day while eyes were closed
- Sabbe sankhara anicca

2020-09-13
- Practicing while lying in passenger seat of car
- Jhanas 1-6++
- Brief gaps/pala/fruitions
- Practicing in daily life again
- Both on Sep 12 and Sep 13, less judgment toward this person or Jey or other people
- Sabbe dhamma anatta today [these were mantras used for concentration]

2020-09-14 06:40 - 07:40
- Right leg closest to the body
- Mind seems drawn to practice seeing every sensation rapidly and perceiving sabbe dhamma anatta
- I resolve to clearly perceive the three marks of existence and hard wire them into the dialy perception of my life
- Not sure if delusional from post-vacation exhaustion but motivation is high and practice seems vivid.
- resolved to carry these intentions into daily life
- Earlier AM, distractions based on habitual judgy attitudes. Letting those go via practice.
- Jhanas 1-6++
- Lots of gaps (every 5-10 sec or so?)
- General emphasis on sabbe dhamma anatta

2020-09-15 12:01 -  12:41
- Sitting in car w/ windows up
- Became warm and sweaty
- 3C [three characteristics] -> letting go of self
- Resolving to see 3C in every moment
- Jhana 1-6++
- gaps/fruition/pala


2020-09-16 11:53 - 12:38
- Let go of the self
- jhana 1-6++
- sitting in a car, windows open, not hot
- more distractions, but lots of gaps/pala too
- "saw" / felt presence of naga while walking to sit

2020-09-17 06:15 - 07:15
- sabbe dhamma anatta
- some resistance toward beginning of the sit, but by the end, anatta was ringing
- compressing past/present/(future?) sense of self into one moment
- left leg closesst to the body
- right leg went numb but didn't notice till afterward

2020-09-18 06:20 - 07:20
- Sabbe dhamma anatta
- Right leg closest
- Hunger arising isn't the same as "I am hungry and I want to eat so I won't be hungry anymore"
- letting go of preconceived ideas of what enlightenment looks like
- jhanas 1-6++
- gaps/fruition/pala
- used mech egg timer, interesting experience!
- gentler resolution to keep sitting/see anatta
- upekkha / acceptance is the are for tanha
- anatta is the vaccine

2020-09-19 08:30 - 09:30
- right leg closest
- gaps/pala
- distrctions started at beginning but subsided later into the sit
- jhana 1-6++
- jhanas seem deeper, more stable, more anatta-ish

2020-09-20 21:11 - 21:53
- Left leg closest
- Jhana 4-6++
- deeper 4th jhana
- following breath
- nagas/ / healing
- mind seems very suggestible
- gaps/pala/fruitions


 
2020-09-21 07:00 - 07:45
2020-09-22 07:25 - 08:10

• Left leg closest
• "Never limit or deny the maximum liberation or awakening you can experience. Jobs, spouses, children are all opportunities for practice. You never know when and where lightning may strike."
• Visited dukkha nanas during sit
• Jhanas 4-6++ at beginnning
• Fear: wild vibration
• Disgust: spinning nausea
• Despair/misery: Droopy, melty, ground
• Desire for deliverance: right outside the gates of heaven
• Reobservation: A universe of bubble wrap w/o the fun popping noises

2020-09-23 07:33 - 08:08

• Jhana 4-6++
• Gaps/pala/emptiness

2020-09-24 12:00 - 12:45

• Sitting on bench
• Focused on breath at nose
• Gaps/pala changing visuals
• Jhana 4-6++
• Focusing on breath, smaller, more gentle gaps/pala
• More intense nonself feeling afterward
• Starting to seem like the "me" doing things isn't actually controlling or doing anything but is inferred or produced afterward
• Walking with different postures that weren't consciously chosen
• Massive creative expanse

2020-09-25

• Mo formal practice
• Equanimity in car

2020-09-26 07:45 - 08:05

• Jhana 4-6++
• Practicing lying in bed in AM
• Right when waking up, confronted by a tanha story
• Mind quickly responded with "sabbe sankhara dukkha"
• Gaps/pala after 6++ during practice
• Non-self experience, seeing through eyes of difficult relationship folks
• Resolved: fully accept  difficult people

2020-09-26 08:53

• Following breath at nose
• Expansive nonself experience with fewer thoughts, even while people are talking

2020-09-26 Evening

• Followed breath while lying in bed
• Equanimity in the face of some prejudiced words
• Acceptance
• 4th jhana/equanimity while jogging
• That evening, explosion of agency/decision making

2020-09-27 Evening

• More tired/sleepy
• Focusing on following breath/vipassana while lying in bed and while sitting down
• Briefer flickers of 4th jhana/equanimity throughout the day

2020-09-28 06:54 - 07:54

• Jhana 4-6++
• Following breath
• Lots of gaps/pala
• Focusing deeply on sensate reality seems to engage anatta mode of perception
• Resolved: keep following breath intensely and focusing on sensate reality to empahsize nonself perspective

2020-09-29 13:53

• Quick break w/ eyes closed in darker room
• Colored spirals appeared quickly after closing eyes
• Seeing with a more no-self perspective
• More expansive
• Less identified with words said or movements of the body

2020-09-30 05:45

• Lots of planning/strategizing around communicating
• Lots of wanting everyone to be happy
• Seems like it's time to let go of past and wanting everyone to have the best possible life
• seems like it's time to awakening the agency of this Jey person

2020-09-30 12:10-12:50

• I resolve to dedicate myself to the teachings of the Buddhadharma for the benefit of all beings

2020-10-02 06:45

• Did the burst in agency energy last weekend result in falling out of nonduality?
• Does this matter?
• Who is falling?

2020-10-02 07:40 - 08:00

• Jhana 4-6++
• Brief breath following
• Concentration on the idea of awakening
• The most elaborate , formed ideas of awakening seem deeply connected to emptiness

2020-10-02 20:31 - 21:31

• Relaxing effort seemed to increase gaps/pala
• Jhana 4-6++
• Listening to Rob Burbea "What is awakening?" talks

2020-10-03 06:35

• Intention arising to dedicate time to thinking/emotional processing while not in bed to help train the mind that bed is for sleeping
• It seems like prioritizing time pursuing spouse would be a skillful decision
• It seems like accepting self and coworkers limitations and avoiding trying to control outcomes and creating healthy boundaries would be a skillful decision

2020-10-03 07:45

• I wish I could heal everyone

2020-10-03 08:34 - 09:38

• Right leg closest
• Jhana 4-6++
• Mind/bodhicitta fine-tuning effort
• Releasing "will effort threshold"
• spending more time going through fruition doors
• Heart sutra emptiness plus form experience
• Upekkha as scalpel to excise subtle tanha
• Sabbe sankhara dukkha as hammer for gross tanha
• Letting reality know itself
• "Letting go" releasing "I know that"
• Open ended awakening Thanks, Rob! (Burbea)

2020-10-04 16:45 - 17:45

• Jhana 4-6++
• Letting go of shudders and simply entering broad expansive jhanic states
• Following breath
• Toward start of sit, more thoughts distracted interspersed with gaps
• Very light, self-calibrating effort
• Toward the end of the sit, more gaps/pala and emptiness
• Seeing not just sensate but every elaborate conceptual thought disappear
• This is happening off the cushion also

2020-10-04 07:30 - 07:45

• Burst of anxious planning
• Jhana 4-6
• Following breath
• Gaps/pala

2020-10-04 12:05 - 13:05

• Jhana 4 or 5-6++
• Gaps/pala
• Wow.
• Emptiness/conceptual flickering impermanence
• Equanimity allows thoughts and concepts to rebuild again with less tanha (tanha I can't detect or see)
• Accepting every area of my life, every sensation, every weird mental quirk, every arising and passing (rising and falling)

2020-10-05 20:46 - 21:21

• There are no rules
• Bodhicitta wants to taste the rainbow
• Seeing grief, loss, boredom, and loneliness as inherently empty
• Taking liberation personally
• Awakened activity
• Right leg closest
• Jhana 4-6++
• Following breath, pala
• Sitting and missing dharma group for next 3 mo seems ok
• Pursuing greater space and liberation

2020-10-06 07:30 - 07:45

• Jhana 4 - 6++
• Sitting in chair

2020-10-06 12:00 - 12:30

• Jhana 4 - 6++
• Following breath
• gap/pala

2020-10-06 17:11 - 18:00

• Listening to Rob Burbea "What is awakening?" Pt 4
• Deep impact
• Lots of self-talk
• Self talk around "Never give up"

2020-10-07 05:11 - 06:11

• Self-talk again
• New framework/understanding of Christianity
• Letting it all go to emptiness
• Letting the ideas come up and dissolve
• Having a looser grip on ideas

2020-10-07 17:16 - 17:46

• Walking to sit on bench in park
• Jhana 4? or 5-6++
• Following breath
• More expansive/bigger awareness
• Gentle, easy transition from more solid jhana samatha nimitta to expansive vipassana state
• I want to help poor kids heal from trauma

2020-10-07 21:46

• Self talk
• Views about views
• Rigid ideas about metarationality

2020-10-08 17:15 - 18:15

• Left leg closest to body
• Right leg went numb/asleep
• Jhana
• Following breath -> gap/pala
• Fewer thoughts /distractions arising toward the end of the sit

2020-10-09 10:54 - 11:54

• Right leg closest
• Right leg went numb/asleep
• Jhana 4 or 5? - 6++
• Following breath -> gap/cessation/pala
• Mind seems to be looking at phenomena through the 3C magnifying glass and watching them pass
• More trust / peace /equanimity
• Mind seems to autocalibrate effort
• Briefly gently hallucinated the clicking of timer as the "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" from nutcracker

2020-10-09 12:45

• Digging into my odd psych
• Wanting everyone to be healed, healthy, and responsible
• Deep, subtle rejection of self and others
• Releasing the rejection and letting love and acceptance to flow to self and others

2020-10-10 06:45 - 08:00

• Tired/dullness
• Jhana 4-6++
• Read Scott Jeffrey's "Guide to  Awakening"
• Accepting distractions and mental imagery
• Gaps/pala/cessation
• More cessation, less self-view toward end of sit

2020-10-11 07:40 - 08:17

• Sitting in closet, left leg closest to body
• Seeing dikkha experiences that happened to me as not different from the whole world's dukkha experiences
• Accepting the dukkha. Accepting the losses. Still working to address the losses.

2020-10-12

• No formal sit today
• Mindful jogging
  
  • Avoiding verbal thoughts
  • Get into the equanimous flow of each step
• Hallucinating/imagining the history of objects I looked at
  
  • spray painted street numbers
  • bricks (from Mexico)
  • person's name on a luggage ticket
• Deeply fused/collapsed to the "core values"
• Feeling anger toward people who did not embody those core values
• Lots of emotion around mastery/skill and self-sacrifice/generosity
• Blind spots around self-care, self-acceptance
• Brief sitting w/ quick jhana run + emptiness/anapanasati
• Has opened a more spacious relationship with skill
• Made it easier to see self as skilled and generous but with room to grow instead of black and white (totally unskilled)
• Made it easier to enjoy life

2020-10-13 08:15?-09:45? Central Time

• Jhanas, vivid, 4-6++
• Wow! Everything is empty!/unsatisfying
• Work mastery is temporary and unsatisfying
• Generosity mastery is temporary and unsatisfying
• Counseling others is temporary and unsatisfying

2020-10-14 08:45-09:30

• Jhana 4-6++
• Following breath -> gaps/pala/cessations
• "Back to the  breath", letting go of thoughts, emotions, and coneptualizing
• During daily life, noticing frustration/fixation/anger
• Finding motivation from compassion instead of ill-will or resentment
• Accepting other beings for who they are

2020-10-15 07:45 - 08:00

• Left leg closest
• Jhana 4-6++
• Following breath to emptiness
• Repeated gaps/pala
• Jhana 1-4 at end of sit
• Joyful, playful, happy
• Resolved: practice, even for a short time, in the AM, whenever possible

2020-10-16 09:00 - 09:15

• Quick jhana run plus anapanasati
• Loosened things up

2020-10-17 11:45 - 12:30 and 14:00 -14:45

• sitting in plane chair
• jhanas 4-6++
• Following breath

2020-10-17

• Reading MCTB2 about jhanas, paths, fruitions, and fractals
• Read Abram Demski about Radical Probabilism
• Noting a burst of habit energy around past involvement in rationalism + effective altruism
• Releasing the habit energy and "adopting the exile" [practice by Michael Taft]
• Embracing both buddhist meditation view (absolute/overall) and relative skillfulness (rationalism)
• seeing the need to work relatively to resolve or avert pain and the need for deeper insight

2020-10-18 06:03 - 07:04

• Sitting... right leg closest
• Jhana 4-6++, more time in 6+
• Wow! Cessation/gap/pala
• Helps reveal that all that all conceptual thought arises and passes through the sense doors, just like everything else
• Seeing large construct of my motivation as a large wooden rube goldberg machine
• Seeing the machine dissolve down to "avoid pain, pursue pleasure"
• Seeing the machine disappear and then come back and then rebuild itself
• Seeing it sailing like a ship with cannonballs shooting off parts of it
• Seeing a "captian figure" in the middle of the ship who seemed equanimous
• Seeing the captain disappear
• Seeing my mental image of a binary search tree or my feelings about my spouse or my ideas about government as no different from that stiffness or numbness in my right knee (Wow!)
• Resolved: see the true nature of all sensations

2020-10-19 05:03

• Lots of emotional energy and anxiety starting at 3AM after waking up to use restroom
• Resolved maintain the inner monastery of morality and do not lash out at the people near me
• Resolved: continue to practice insight seeing the nature of the 3C in every sensation
• Resolved: when feeling anxiety, don't just stay in bed
• Anxiety seems much more not-me which is nice

2020-10-19 05:30 - 06:15

• Left leg closest
• Using TMI intro
• More technical/precise jhana 4-6++
• Following breath -> gaps/pala
• emptiness amid tumult
• Earlier this week, "Wow! The Heart Sutra is real!"

2020-10-19 21:27

• Big insights seem little sometimes. Little insights seem big.

2020-10-20 06:20 - 07:05

• Right leg closest
• Right fell asleep but didn't notice till end of sit
• More precise, metacognitive awareness jhana 4-6++
• 6-point preparation before sit
• More aware of distractions
• One simple impermanence fruition is all that's needed
• Remaining aware, but still distracted sometimes, during vipassana
• Gaps/fruitions/Eventually the gap or pala seemed to show up in delocalized awareness (toward end of sit)
• Loving Daniel Ingram's lay person modivited Theravada
• "Once you see the 3C in a normal happy life, no further renunciation necessary"
• Resolved: keep seeing 3C in daily life

2020-10-20 08:48

• Noticing feeling rejected/unloved
• Noticing tanha for different feelings

2020-10-21 05:05-06:12

• Emotional processing
• Feeling into grief/anxiety
• Feeling and accepting and being free
• Feeling relieved afterward
• Resolved: prioritize daily sitting

2020-10-21 06:15 - 06:50

• Left leg closest to the body
• Mainly jhanas
• Focusing on clarity and stabilizing jhana before moving on
• Things felt more spacious early in the sit
• Rough estimate of 5-6++ jhanas
• Allowing each jhana to be what it is and evolve to rest
• Brief vipassana / gaps / pala toward end of sit

2020-10-22 06:45

• Woke up earlier
• Stretched
• Went back to bed
• This seemed good and beneficial
• Working on better concentration and less distraction in daily life

2020-10-22 07:00 - 07:30

• Right leg closest
• Right ankle asleep
• 5th jhana -> investigation instead of leaving for vip
• Investigation seemed to produce intense fruition
• Jhanic state semed gone afteward
• Repeated this few times
• Moved on to deeper jhanic states
• Seemed to find a jhanic state that would yield to cessation when investigated (was this 6++/8th jhana?)
• Let go of that state and returned to vipassana end of sit

2020-10-23 23:10

• No formal practice today, but quite formless jhana + fruitions while lying in bed

2020-10-24

• Lots of mind-wandering or distractions or planning around one topoic but not around another topic
• Mind comes back from topic B to breath more easily than topic A

2020-10-24

• Always cultivate generosity, heart opening, trust, and love

2020-10-24 23:15 - 23:20

• Jhana then holding jhana then vipassana
• Fruition gap pala ending
• Repeating it this evening and during Oct 25th

2020-10-25 17:31

• Resist the urge to use anxiety and fear and anger as motivation
• Lean into rest, acceptance, love, generosity, kindness
• Rest, heal, unify mind
• Be ready to go 2moro.
• Jhana -> vipassana technique seems to work well
• fear and anger seem to lead to collapsing into selfishness and delusion

2020-10-26 05:30 - 06:36
- Right leg closest to body
- Clearer / harder jhanas
- Tried to investigate three characteristics in 6++ but it just seemed to make jhana harder and not deconstruct it
- Released jhana and turned to vipassana
- Lots of gaps/fruitions
- Seeing three characteristics in ideas about enlightenment/awakening
- "'I' am awake" is impermanent, unsatisfying, and not me or mine.
- All three doors to fruition seemed present. Mainly impermanence, some no-self, few dukkha.

2020-10-26 11:07
- Lots of self talk prepping for group dharma update

2020-10-27 06:26
- Lots of narrative and self-talk around life situations
- Realization that there was a bunch of fear/anxiety beneath the narrative
- Felt relief after feeling those emotions

2020-10-27 07:45
- Wow! Subtle judgment toward others causes me to pressure myself
- Acceptance releases that pressure

2020-10-28 06:37
- Lots of anxiety occurring

2020-10-28 12:46 - 12:56
- Quick jhana
- Sitting in chair
- Pala/gap/fruition
- Some distractions while following the breath

2020-10-29 07:32 - 07:52
- Followed breath, sitting in chair
- Jhanas, unlabeled, but beautiful
- Bright light circle / nimitta expanding
- Vipassana -> gaps
- More vipassana, swirly color spirals

2020-10-29 10:52
- Equanimity + fruition help dispel wanting things

2020-10-30 07:16 - 07:56
- Right leg closest
- Mind inclined toward vipassana
- Goal/Resolution: Less physical movement
- Back to breath
- More stable energy current in body
- Gap/pala/fruition
- Resolved: less jumpy mind

2020-10-31 08:20 - 09:20
- Left leg closest
- Jhana... 4-6+ -> investigating 6+ directly
- Intense gap/fruition
- Following breath
- Lots of distractions
- Following breath

2020-11-01 06:40 - 07:40
- Wow
- Intense, vivid, pushing forward sit
- Right leg closest
- Jhana 4-6++ -> vipassana
- Simple, straight-forward focus on breath
- Fewer distractions
- There is no "I" in direct experience
- Mindfulness helps keep this at the forefront
- Less mind wandering / day dreaming
- Back to the breath

2020-11-02 06:35 - 07:20
- Right leg closest
- Brief experimentation with Burmese style sitting -> knee pain / tightness -> back to cross-legged
- Jhana 4?-6++?
- Vipassana
- Less imagery, less distraction
- Noticing tons of conditioned "auto-judgments" of people
- Why is "X" better than "Y"? Why do I want X > Y?

2020-11-03 08:10 - 08:20
- Following breath
- Brief jhana run

2020-11-03 11:30 - 11:50
- Brief walking meditation around office building

2020-11-04 06:30 - 07:00
- Left leg closest
- Stable attention, jhanas
- Playing w/ following breath and remaining more still

2020-11-05 21:30 - 22:00
- Following breath
- Quick jhana run
- Brief gap/fruition/pala
- Interspersed w/ stretching and awaiting an email

2020-11-06
- No formal practice
- Quick jhana run
- Quick vipassana -> gaps

2020-11-07 09:00 - 09:30
- Left leg closest
- Jhana 4-6++
- Following breath, distraction, gaps, pala
- Invoking "I" thoughts and then hitting gap to watch them disappear
- Resolution: maintain/stabilize nonself/anatta view
- Who is writing/coding/buying/selling/winning/losing?

2020-11-08 07:20 - 08:20
- Right leg closest
- Resolved: seeing with the wonder and joy of a beginner's mind
- Jhana 4-6++
- Following breath
- Metacog aware/mindful while sitting watching breath
- No I or self present
- Gaps/pala/fruitions
- Learning to leg go of the w[ish for others to change?]

2020-11-08 12:57
- Resolution: Living from the bodhicitta, living from the brahma viharas, living from the wealth of the monks
- Wealth/strength/power/pleasure of the monks
- DN 26, Cakkavati Sutta Excerpt

2020-11-09 07:00 - 08:00
- After 45 min mark, intense pala/gap/fruition
- Resolution: Go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 6am consistently
- Right leg closest
- Jhana 4-6++
- Following breath
- Body seems more stable
- Feeling much better overall this week than last week

2020-11-09 13:21
- Wow intense colored spirals are back
- Resolved: Maintain and keep this going

2020-11-10 06:00
- Craving leads to more craving (tanha)

2020-11-10 06:35 - 07:35
- Clinging produces suffering
- Left leg closest
- Jhana 4-6+?
- Following breath -> gaps/pala/fruition

2020-11-11 07:15 - 07:45
- Jhana
- Right leg
- Gaps/pala
- Releasing attachment

2020-11-11 21:30 - 22:00
- Burmese style
- Jhana 4-6++
- Gap/pala

2020-11-12 19:30 - 20:30
- Left leg closest
- Shamatha -> jhanas
- Vipassana -> gaps/pala

2020-11-13 07:00 - 08:00
- Left leg closest
- Shamatha -> jhanas
- Vipassana -> gaps/pala

2020-11-14 08:49 - 10:10
- Right leg closest
- Noticed mind wandering (especially to thoughts about dharma)
- Gentle, joyful intention to bring mind back to jhana or vipassana resulted in an intense, concentrated sit
- Vipassana, seeing emptiness in every sensation
- Much less anxious after sitting than before
- Resolved: Throughout this day, see the three characteristics in every situation

2020-11-15 10:43
- It is possible to live, even a busy householder life, without dukkha, without getting hit by the "second arrow."
- It is possible to live without sensing as being joined to it
- An escape from painful feeling apart from sensuality

2020-11-15 20:45 - 21:30
- Left leg closest
- Bit more distracted during jhana practice
- During vipassana practice, quickly going into jhana then coming out seemed beneficial
- As long as you can perceive the three characteristics in an ordinary life, no further renunciation is required ;-) <3
- More effortless (maybe dull?) phase toward end of sit. Superinteresting
- Just feeling, every moment and suffering less
- What if instead of trying to be a yoga instructor or a healer or a this or a that you just accepted your own life, karma, experience?

2020-11-16 07:00 - 08:00
- Right leg closest
- Resolution: I gently, kindly dedicate myself to the practice of reducing suffering for self and others
- I release clinging to self as a "good person" or "altruist"
- Jhana, noticed work and meditation thoughts as distractions
- Vipassana, gaps, pala
- Settling into less effortful place
- Mind moving toward a view of things happening and moments arising and passing and letting go of self
- Seeing the other side of the optical illusion

2020-11-16 16:07
- Wow! Spent my whole life up to this point chasing ego boosts from all these different identities. Crazy.
- Meditator, son, husband, hard worker, smart guy, good guy, good listener
- Wow

2020-11-17 06:57 - 07:54
- Gentleness before and during sit
- Clearer jhanas 4-6++
- Less effort, but still firmly coming back from distractions
- Fruitions, gaps, pala, incl. "delocalized"

2020-11-17 10:22
- Gently ease into a different way of looking. Less selfing, less suffering. More kindness and acceptance

2020-11-19 06:25-07:25
- Right leg closest
- Wow, new way of seeing seems to be opening up
- Resting and seeing with fewer self thoughts and less suffering
- Openness to field of experience
- Letting go of clingy sticky thoughts
- More interest in formless jhanas
- Jhanas seem less sticky or have less pull
- Just sitting with eyes open and watching heat wave shimmer seems fun


2020-11-20 11:30 - 11:50
- Sitting with eyes open in chair
- Dullness initially, then clarify. After clarity broke, it seemed easier to sit

2020-11-21 37 min meditating

2020-11-22 33 min meditating
Chair -> stabler jhanas, cleaner gap/fruitions.
This is it.

2020-11-22 08:55 -> Lots of aversion/anxiety arose around an unexpected.

2020-11-22 40 min meditate

2020-11-24 40 min meditate
- Bright clear jahana + vipassana
- Something flipped/changed
- Not sure what

2020-11-25 no formal meditation

2020-11-26 no formal meditation

2020-11-27 no formal meditation

2020-11-28 -- no formal meditation

2020-11-29 15 min samatha, 10 min vipassana

2020-11-30
- Right leg closest
- Visual shamatha luminous jhanas 4?-5+ or 6+?
- Gentle vipassana
- Living heart sutra
- Every thought to emptiness letting things go

2020-12-01 about 40 min meditating in the evening

2020-12-02 30 min meditating in the morning, sensing every sensation

2020-12-03 45 min, family-related distractions, clearer jhanas plus vipassana

2020-12-04 26 min

2020-12-05 60 min This is it

2020-12-06 75 min, sitting in one posture.
Pain/discomfort -> fruitions.
What would Buddha do?
There is no way out of now.
Long sit ->  rapid fire fruitions -> vision blinking with eyes open

2020-12-07 30 min
2020-12-08 No formal medit
2020-12-09 30 min
2020-12-10 abt 10 min?
Use tv time as mindfulness time!
2020-12-11 15 min am
That moment when eyes between beings meet
2020-12-12 1 hr plusish?
The stories or narratives that relate to deep emotional aspects of the past seem stickier
Everyone has a plan until they get emotionally triggered

2020-12-13 over 1 hr total
10 min scrubbing
Sitting until pain happens
Gaps / pala / fruitions making noticeable break in painSeems to help attain repeated / deeper fruitions
Walls were fuzzy blinking after standing up
Seems to be possible to incline toward that emptiness state during daily activities
Burst of small energy or vibration
2020-12-15 one hour in AM sit
- intention to become trauma counselor in Elkhart arose
- seeing the three characteristics of all sensation
- everyone is as empty as me!- seeing hunger arise and disappear into gap/pala/fruition just like pain
2020-12-16 thru 2020-12-18
Sitting one hour in the am
2020-12-1910 min shamatha
30 min shamath + vip
Some questions aren't worth trying to answer
2020-12-20 1 hr
Sitting on ground, left leg
Took break amidst sit, Exploring kindness view
2020-12-21 1 hr
Sitting on cushion, right leg
Wow. High fps / high sensory clarity during vipassana part of sit
Earlier, during samatha portion of sit, seeing conditioning in two areas
- Taking responsibility for actions of others
- Trying to avoid or prevent conflict esp between loved ones
2020-12-22 1 hr
Cushion, left leg
Using egg timer today
2020-12-23 30 min
Infinite expanding, boundless exploding of jhana 5-6++ was more prevalent today
Shout out to people from eSangha (incl. Tucker Peck for pointing out these qualities)
May I continue to experience insight in every moment into the true nature of sense phenomena
15:03
Little micro tanha-fueled jumps lead to collapsing into papanca/suffering
Stabilizing this broad spacious awareness in daily life reduces the collapses?
16:20
Feeling sleepy today after staying up later for meditation group meeting last night

2020-12-24 abt 6 hr
Every moment is a mindful expansive free from tanha opportunity
Every voice in the head, every dharma thought, every career plan is impermanent, unsatisfying, and not mine
There is something very liberating and beautiful and playful and joyous about silence
Maintaining that expansive awareness and freedom from tanha in different situations
What sensations are those that I implicitly accept as me or mine? Let's see thru those
2020-12-25 1 hr
Separating breath sensation from whole body energy from fruition
Seeing individual intentions as separate from action
Lessening mental talk
2020-12-26 No formal practice
Using verbal intentions"May vipassana arise""May 5th jhana arise"
2020-12-27 About 10 min samathaAbout 25 min vipassana
2020-12-28 thru 2020-12-30
Sitting throughout the day while fighting illness
2020-12-31
No formal practice
2021-01-01
No formal practice
2021-01-02
No formal practiceIntense experience on personal psychology or beliefs
2021-01-03
About 10 min samatha
About 30 min vipassana

Overall, the past two weeks have led to less sense of a separate self 
The main insights seem relative or related to my personal psychology
Examples of the personal insights
- Accepting "self" and spouse
- Not blaming "self" for "others" problems
- Accepting personal quirks, views, and ideology

2021-01-04 19:27-20:27
- left leg closest to body
- Mind a bit fuzzy (illness after effects?)
- Fuzzier than usual samatha
- Intense, wow vipassana
- Slowly watching mental contructs arise and pass away while meditating
- Including the sense of being an observer following the breath
2021-01-05 06:56-07:51
- Mind still fuzzy
- Samatha was good
- Interest in nirodha samapatti
- Mind jumping around a lot during vipassana
- Intention to stabilize on breath and deconstruct watcher
2021-01-05 17:59
Felt super collapsed in a suffering narrative while driving and then watched it dissipate or melt completely
2021-01-06 20:35
Tanha for meditation
Tanha for jhana
2021-01-07 19:50 - 20:30
I am in love with this moment, and this moment is in love with me
2021-01-08
No formal meditation
Quick jhana practice in bed while going to sleep
More intense work schedule
2021-01-09 07:28
struggling with feeling of hurt/loneliness/rejection/anger
Overall situations objectively seem ok
Working with accepting the feelings and not pushing away or surpressing them
2021-01-09 07:30 -08:30
- Left leg closest
- Samatha then vipassana
- Nonself door opening with family members
- Seeing connection between physical and emotional pain
- Vipassana blacking out the physical and emotional suffering or resistance to the pain
2021-01-10 10:54 - 12:17
- Repeated samatha (jhanas) 1 -8 over and over
- Brief vipassana between
- Much less pain or discomfort while sitting
- Setting intentions for nirodha samapatti to arise
2021-01-11 20:51- Don't try to fix what is not broken
2021-01-12 07:20 - 07:50
- Two cycles of samatha (1-8)
- Right leg closest?
- Aiming to taste nirodha samapatti by increasing concentration
- Increased concentration seems to be catching hindrances
2021-01-13 07:40 - 07:50
- One samatha cycle
2021-01-13 12:02 - 12:32
- Two samatha cycles 1-8
- Less selfing afterward
- Autoblocking distractions or hindrances
2021-01-15 06:20 - 07:20
- Three samatha cycles 1 - 8
- Last cycles were less fuzzy
- Mindfulness of head sensations during formed jhanas to look from beyond the usual center point
- Enter formed jhana, become aware of head sensations, transition to formless jhana
2021-01-15 08:07
- Hurting or causing pain to your body or your mind is not a reliable, sustainable way to help other people
2021-01-16 07:00
- waking up feeling a lot of self-criticism or self-judgmental thoughts arising
- Sitting with those thoughts, noticing them evolve into a drive for greater achievement or expertise
2021-01-16 08:45 - 10:15
- 1 hr sitting right leg closet
- Three samatha cycles
- Deep equanimity
- 30 min walking
- What would you need added or removed to accept this moment?

2021-01-17
2021-01-17 22:00 - 22:15
- One samatha cycle (jhanas 1 - 8) lying in bed
2021-01-18 07:25 - 07:30
- One samatha cycle (jhanas 1 - 8)
2021-01-18 10:10
- Still having compassion for family members and other loved ones
- Deconstructing that compassion down to metta from narrative or stories
- TODO: look up sutta about goldsmith lotus visualization dying
2021-01-18 12:30 - 12:40
- Samatha 1 - 7
- Dedicating self to reducing suffering
2021-01-18 17:45
- Reviewing suttas and other things
- Heard Bhikku Bodhi talking about this dhammapada verse (285) and the related commentarial story
- also interesting how the translation by Thanissaro Bhikku seems strict and stern "Crush your sense of self-allure" and relates to being monastic (non-enthralled with self and self identity, not seeking bonding)
- The related commentarial story about the goldsmith using beauty, going to 4th jhana, seeing impermanence, releasing tanha
- It seems ultra relatable to me
- Read Christopher Titmuss comments on SN 12:17
- interesting how he brought out this whole other realm of "do I create or do other people create?"
- interesting how eternalism and annihilationism are two extremes (nihilism?)
- interesting how Christopher Titmuss points toward the danger of blame
2021-01-19 06:50 - 07:40
- Two samatha cycles- Relaxing or letting go of bodily jhanic sensations to focus more on nimitta
2021-01-19 12:23 - 12:38
- quick samatha run
- Very satisfying, seemed to end in fruition
- In later jhana, varying between vipassana and samatha focus seemed to vary between colorful splotches and just white light
2021-01-20 17:18 - 18:18
- Who dies?
- Samatha cycles
- Waking up is blacking out
- Wild pala/gap/fruition
2021-01-21 05:54 Dream
- Early early started something about college
- Going to the cafeteria to eat late?
- nonprofit building something in a big warehouse
- Started out like a video game jumping around looking for tokens to build something
- Became super real ultra fast manuf creating large equip
- Big rack and pinion system was already there for this large assembler that quickly built itself
2021-01-21 12:20 - 12:50
- One samatha cycle
- Relaxing effort, more color, less white
- Multiple fruitions around 3-4th transition
- Hung out in 4th for a while, "where else is there to go?"
- 7th seemed like letting go of weight, letting go of gravity, letting go of struggle
- 8th seemed like a friend who was missing me that I had been ghosting or running past and just saying "Hi" without talking to for a while.
- hung out in 8th till the end of the  sit
- flickering anticipation or felt like being a buoy floating on the rippling edge of a wormhole
- realizing that I don't have to always expend effort to go diving into that infinite wormhole
- enjoying the flickering background potential energy of expectation
- just letting it be there and saturate everything
- felt healing/restorative afterglow afterward

2021-01-22 12:39 - 12:49
- Very loose, less structured samatha
- Seemed like formed jhanas first, then formless
- Seemed like there were more fruitions happening in formed realms
- Noticing little sticky intentions or decisions or cravings driving each next state
- Seeing the desire or thirst or tanha for fruitions, for jhanas, etc.
2021-01-23 11:45 - 12:07
- Jhanas 1 - 4
- Lying on ground
- Fruit gaps
- Equanimity
- Learning to have equanimity and acceptance toward good, fun, and rewarding experiences
- Feels like letting go of a heavy weight
2021-01-23 15:33
- ease and striving seem different than what activity is being done
- High activity with ease is possible
- Low activity with striving, also possiblZe
2021-01-24 10:30 - 11:00
- Letting whatever happen
- Feelings of brahma viharas
- Ideas for nice things to do for others like writing a brahma vihara letter
- Jhanas
- Fruit/gaps around third
- Tried creating a tanha jhana but it seemed pretty unstable (started with hunger sensations)
- Distractions around sense desire toward end of sit
2021-01-24 14:30 - 14:56
- practicing mantra + "unhooking the self" exercises from adivader
- "Unhooking the self" is a fun, engaging, joyful practice
- I experienced lots of new phenomenology around both the mantra practice and the "unhooking the self" exercises
Part One: Unhooking Phenomenology
- At first, moving from the first hook (self creating sound) to second hook (self hearing sound) would cause the mental sound of the manta to get significantly quieter
- Over time, resting and remaining on the second hook would cause the sound to return to previous loudness- Second hook also seemed to allow the mantra sound some space to grow, evolve, change, add or remove words, etc.
- Second hook made the "listening point" or "listening points" where mental sound was being picked up more prominent. Sometimes the "listening point" would move around in relation to the "singing point." This movement of the listening point seemed like a nudge toward the third hook. (Third hook being self as awareness)
- Sometimes, especially at first, moving from the third hook (self as awareness of both creating and hearing sound) to the fourth hook (self releasing awareness) would cause cessation
- Over time, it seemed like the mind was able to rest in atmiyata/intimacy after fourth hook instead of quickly dropping into cessation
- Cessation still occurred throughout the session
- The cessations that happened in third and fourth hooks had a different phenomenology and seemed very spacious and delocalized (felt somewhat like cessations that arise from investigating the formless jhanas)
- This atmiyata/intimacy state seemed deeply equanimous, allowing the mental sending and receiving of the mantra sound to be wherever they were without judgment. It also seemed to allow the "stage" or "background" or "scene" of awareness for the entire mantra performance to be wherever it was.
- Sometimes, while remaining in the atmiyata/intimacy state, the awareness of the entire mantra performance would shrink down and be very tiny. Sometimes, it would grow and become very spacious and large and massive.
- This growing and shrinking of the awareness of the mantra was also met with deep acceptance and equanimity.
- Also, in the atimyata/intimacy state, every sensation seemed synced or connected with all the other sensations. The label of "intimacy" seems very appropriate here because the sensations of awareness did not seem separate or cut off from the sensations of creativity. Likewise, the sensations of receptivity seem deeply connected with awareness and with creativity.
- At times, while in either third hook (self in awareness) or fourth hook (self releasing awareness), the entire performance would stop for a few seconds and then restart. This silence had a certain presence or fluctuation or energy pattern to it.
Part Two: Mantra Phenomenology
- Mantra practice is wild fun!
- Started out with a monotone "Om" lasting about one to two seconds
- Throughout the session, the mantra would pick up new rhythms and melodies
- Sometimes, the Oms would speed up
- Sometimes, the monotone would change into a melody
- Musical scales and pop melodies seem popular (I happen to enjoy listening to pop music)
- Sometimes, new words would be added. ("Mani Padme Hung" liked to pop up after "Om" quite a bit)
- Distractions would sometimes arise as other voices singing other phrases than the mantra
- Letting the distractions to arise and sing their song and then go away seemed to allow the practice to continue even in the midst of distractions
- Physical sensations that I would normally associate with the formed jhanas arose at different points and seemed correlated with certain features or forms of the mantra
- Mantra "taking on a life of its own" or becoming clear and focused seemed correlated with second jhana body sensations (focused pleasure/bliss)
- It seemed mantra volume changing or fading out seemed correlated to third jhana body sensations (submersing into cool, diffuse bath)
- The mantra having rich expression across a wide range of 3D space seemed correlated to fourth jhana body sensations (calming, gentle equanimity)

2021-01-25 06:12
- whatever blame, guilt, or resentment is assigned to a boss controller entity is an obstacle, is a trap, is a kammic roller coaster that goes nowhere

2021-01-25 07:30 - 07:50


2021-01-26 07:00 - 07:10
- Quick jhana run, 1-6 jhana
- Fruition from investigating 6th
- Mind seemed to want to concentrate

2021-01-26 07:12
- Y'know, the hindrances are not these evil demon monsters...
- They can be accepted and loved for who they are

2021-01-28 18:20 - 18:30
- Pretty distracted, but going in and out of jhanic states

2021-01-29 07:45 - 07:55
- Quick jhana run 1-8
- Accepting the failure, the collapse, the dukkha
- Letting it all go

2021-01-30 10:57 - 12:07
- Wild, raucous sit
- Distractions
- Jhanas
- Fruitions
- Behind it all, acceptance

2021-01-31 13:00 - 13:32
- Jhanas and vipassana

2021-02-01 21:50 - 22:00
- No formal practice today
- Rising through jhanas while going to sleep (around 5thish?)
- Noticing the sticky, tricky, dangerous rumination of past, present, and "I wish I was"
- Keying into the amazing, glorious destiny of now

2021-02-02 07:10 - 07:42
- Right leg closest to the body/sitting on a cushion
- Practicing samatha / luminous jhanas
- Using the "unhooking" technique from Adi Vader to let go of the identification with creating or with enjoying the jhanas
- One more linear run up through the jhanas, slowly, to build concentration and lessen distractions
- Second run was more raucous, moving through jhanas out of order
- At first, with the unhooking, was somewhat distracted ("O, look I can think about other things while jhanas are occurring!")
- Then, relaxed or let go of that narrative stream and settled into "right now" or "timelessness"
- During the second jhana run, there was less labeling or identifying of exactly which jhana was occuring
- In a jhanic state that seemed similar to 4th (less sense of body but still a sense of a center point), an inclination toward something arose
- The inclination seemed to thicken and solidify into a leaning toward pleasure and the pure land jhanas
- After it built for a couple seconds, the word "Namo" started to echo in the mind
- Before the "Ah" sound of "Amitabha" started resonating, a sensation like rolling over or somersaulting forward and to the right occurred in the body
- The entire body was buzzing with vibrations or pleasure
- The brow was especially resonant with vibratory pleasure
- The visual field seemed yellow or golden and quite spacious/landscapey (visual seemed more akin to what I experience in a formless jhana)
- Sometimes the pleasure would seem to recede to the brow, sometimes the pleasure would return to the whole body
- After a few seconds, an inclination to let go of the jhanic state and turn to insight arose
- Then, a counter-inclination to "get in there" and really experience the jhanic state seemed to take the lead (shout out to 23SigmaTropic for introducing me to this inclination)
- After enjoying the state some more and riding it for a while, the mind seemed ready to release it and turn to insight
- The fruition that happened in the aftermath of the jhana seemed calm and spacious
- Practice continued with some more vipassana, and then returned to unhooking and jhanas
- Memory is a bit fuzzy but it seemed the sit might have ended around 5th or 6th jhana?

2021-02-03 06:45 - 07:15
- Jhanas 1-8 then Pure Land
- Inclination toward further insight practice / letting go of self-view permanently
- Resolved: to see through the illusion of a separate self and let go of self-view this weekend

2021-02-04 05:57 Resolution
- I solemnly resolve to experience the three characteristics of every sensation
- I solemnly resolve to release the dualistic perspective and view that solidifies or permanizes a separate self as capable of finding ultimate satisfaction and "me" or "mine."
- I solemnly resolve to release my preconceived attachment to how "I" spend "my time" "most effectively"

2021-02-05
- no formal practice
- Strong resolution to return to mindfulness of breath even when waking up or going to sleep has helped
- Heartfelt Gratitude practice inspired by 23SigmaTropic e.g. "Thank you God for these shoes that I'm walking in" has been powerful daily life practice
- Managing to return to mindfulness or "snap attention back like it's held with a rubber band" when potentially critical or negative or judgmental thoughts arise


2021-02-06 08:58
- letting go of the drive for huge wealth
- Letting go of the drive for hyperproductivity
- Letting go of the drive for power or energy

2021-02-06
- no formal practice.
- Enjoying time with family
- Working on gratitude and moment by moment presence and mindfulness

2021-02-07 earlier AM
- narration while using bathroom
- Learning to accept it and let jt go

2021-02-07 20:00
- One moment of clarity is enough to halt a lifetime of dukkha

2021-02-08
- No formal practice
- Lots of narration and emotional processing
- Resting and recouperating
- Returning to brief vipassana breaks

2021-02-09 11:23 - 11:53
- Jhanas 1 - 8
- Fruitition
- Atimyata/intimacy
- Unhooking seems to lead to letting go of wanting to be incontrol
- Jhanas again 1-5
- After 5th, letting go and returning to samatha
- Fruitions occurred while resting in samatha
- Inclining toward more emotional work... considering when and how to move in this direction

2021-02-09 20:00
- Anxiety is occurring

2021-02-10
- No formal practice
- Reforming resolution to see three characteristics in every moment
- Deconstructing anxiety while running in the cold

2021-02-11 06:00
- First time seeing nimitta with eyes open
- Lying on back in dark room
- Closed eyes and performed luminous jhana practice
- Opened eyes and nimitta stayed while looking at dark ceiling!
- Nimitta dissipated rather quickly
- It seems like it's possible to enter intense concentration states with the eyes open right now

2021-02-11 07:00 - 07:40
- Jhanas 1 -8
- Inclination to vipassana
- Pure Land 1 with "Namo Amitabha Buddha" and "Namo Rob Burbea"
- Deconstructing the pure land jhanas through insight practice

2021-02-12 18:00
- dropped mindfulness while thinking about an interpersonal situation

2021-02-13 14:20 - 15:17
- sitting on cushion on the ground, stiffer than usual (due to lack of stretching lately?)
- left leg closest to the body?
- taking every thought, every mental movement, every sensation as the potential object of meditation
- luminous jhanas 1-8
- pure land jhanas, first with body sensation predominating, then with luminous nimitta present too
- fruition from what seemed like pure land jhana 2 was memorable. dropped back to following breath instead of visual concentration afterward
- mind seemed more free to take every single thing as a meditation object during vipassana back half of the sit

2021-02-14 07:00
- Financially greedy thoughts arising after waking up
- Doing vipassana on them and watching other related thoughts pop up
- Pondering whether or not to do core feelings work too

2021-02-14
- no formal practice
- Inclining more to visual field with eyes closed

2021-02-15 06:30
- Eating less food
- Less drive or motivation
- Noticing subtle self-criticism in the push to be more or achieve more or help more people


2021-02-15 07:42 - 07:52
- Somewhat distracted
- Playing around with luminous jhanas and vipassana
- Some fruitions

2021-02-15 11:11
- Distractions arose, relating to both desire and aversion
- Trying to push away unwanted experiences or pull desirable ones closer

2021-02-15 17:10
- Hunger sensations
- Feeling them in the body

2021-02-16 07:02
- Woke up with distractions / sense desire / hindrances
- Woke up with hieroglyphic images in visual field when closing eyes
- Some fruitions happened while getting ready
- Practicing metta/agape while clearing snow off car for spouse
- Building those heartfelt connections

2021-02-16
- no formal practice
- noticing desire for higher status and greater power
- communicating needs to people around me
- Letting go of outcomes; resolving to accept circumstances with equanimity

2021-02-17 05:30
- Resolving to eat and sleep more today
- Lumi Jhanas - fruition
- Noticing and letting go of desire and aversion

2021-02-17 07:37 - 07:47
- Wild, raucous, fun
- Some pleasure jhanas (pure land maybe?)
- Some luminous jhanas
- Some vipassana and fruition
- Letting go of tanha for attainments
- Letting go of tanha for states
- Letting go of tanha for avoidance


2021-02-18 06:06
- See sankharas like sticky rice balls of agglomerated thoughts
- Some flavors of tanha sticky thought balls are currently quickly arising and quickly passing
    -
- Some flavors tanha sticky thought balls are hanging around
    - These seem especially related to thoughts of self as becoming wise, powerful, helpful, etc.
- In either case, mindfully observing the sticky tanha thought balls with equanimity seems to help them dissolve


2021-02-18 07:45 - 07:55
- Luminous jhanas toward the start
- More inclination toward breath as object toward the end of the sit


2021-02-19 07:33 - 07:53
- Dropping back to breath following / anapanasati
- First part, more samatha flavor
- Second part of sit, more vipassana flavor
- More relaxation and stability through fruitions
- Sitting on the floor, Burmese style


2021-02-20 08:37
- Wow, right now, equanimity, upekkha
- Tanha seems to want to push against or pull away from right now toward something else
- Lots of thoughts about wanting to help a specific other person
- Releasing that into brahma vihara practice


2021-02-20 12:51
- anger is not as stable or as sustainable a motivation as metta or karuna or compassion or bodhicitta

2021-02-21
- no formal practice
- walking around in a circle while meditating outside in the snow

2021-02-22
- no formal practice
- emotional processing right after waking up
- learning to let go of the notion or ideal of a separate self

2021-02-23
- no formal practice
- brief samatha breaks (e.g. count breaths to ten) throughout the day

2021-02-24 05:48-05:53
- Samatha/following breath in case
- brief gaps / fruitions

2021-02-25 06:00
- strong sense desire / urges
- "hiding in compassion", avoiding relationship problems or unmet desires in personal life

2021-02-25 07:45 - 07:55
- I resolve to clearly see the three characteristics of all phenomena and attain the highest levels of awakening for the benefit of myself and all beings
- Samatha > PL jhana > vipassana > fruitions/pala

2021-02-25 21:07
- Accepting lustful/sense desire thoughts and letting them arise and pass instead of fighting or resisting them
- Letting the waves of conditioning and kamma and intention rise and fall

2021-02-26 13:04
- Felt nausea, initially attached revulsion and anger to it
- Detatching from the anger and revulsion, feeling the nausea
- Waves of sensation, without judgment
- Wow

2021-02-26 13:47
- Wow aversion toward acquaintance
- Noticing congealing these thoughts of aversion
- And then letting them go in moment-by-moment experience of that other person

2021-02-26 21:00
- Wow more intense anxiety this evening
- Is this tied to lack of sleep or lack of food?

2021-02-27 07:40 - 08:00
- Woke up with strong lustful/sense desire thoughts
- Following breath samatha seemed to reduce them but the recurred
- Fully waking up and moving around seemed to greatly reduce them
- Seems like there's a knowing that even in the "unwholesome" or "unskillful" sensations there is still spaciousness or impermanence or ...
- Let it come, let it be, let it go
- Renewing my commitment to see every sensation
- Every moment is practice, even reading dharma forums lol

2021-02-28
- Effortless hour sitting and half-hour walking
- Seeing different types of distractions (especially related to sense desire, ill-will, and anxiety) rise up
- Seeing the equanimity / upekkha of the field accept and dissolve those distractions
- Appreciating sila as guidance or "guard rails" for these times of deep equanimity
- Every day, every moment is an invitation to equanimity
- Equanimity is smiling and inviting us to sit down and enjoy a meal together
- Sense desire and ill-will show up too, but equanimity doesn't try to punch them out. Long after sense desire and ill-will finish their meal and take off, equanimity stays around and enjoys this very moment
- I formally intend to greet every sensation with equanimity and truly experience it while maintaining sila

2021-03-01
- no formal practice
- Following breath and opening/relaxing at moments throughout the day
- Noticing some collapses, especially when tired or at the end of the day
- Deeply enjoying the Daniel Ingram plus Dhammarato Guru Viking episode
    - Supramundane dhamma in every moment!
    - Being full accepted and all right here
- Deeply enjoying adivader latest r/streamentry post
    - Unhooking the self!
    - Similar to Rob Burbea

2021-03-02 06:49
- following the breath while waking up

2021-03-02 07:37
- Noticing stickiness/tanha/stuck throughts

2021-03-02 13:53
- Noticing general anxiety arising
- Noticing trying to fixing or solve the anxiety by jumping ahead to later tasks

2021-03-03 08:00
- letting go of wanting the future
- Being happy right now
- Opening the heart right now

2021-03-03 19:15
- Considering a resolution to let go of listening to podcasts while driving
- Close call on a two lane road

2021-03-04 17:47
- Enjoying reading  dharma posts and listening to talks
- Following the breath during ten count
- High-priority work tasks are causing minimal time for formal practice

2021-03-04 21:20
- sukha sukha everywhere
- Letting it all go

2021-03-05 07:45 - 07:55
- Sitting and samatha after breath.
- Distracted by compassion narrative toward family member

2021-03-06
- Lots of chores
- Reading and listening to buddhist/meditation podcasts
- Mindfulness and heart opening
- Seeing or sensing without a self

2021-03-07
- mindfulness, direct looking, sensing without being joined
- Arrow sutta.
- Mindfulness opens the dharma eye
- Interest in the five aggregates


2021-03-08 06:07
- Reading Arrow Sutta Sallattha Sutta SN 36:6 https://www.dhammatalks.org/suttas/SN/SN36_6.html
- Reading Not Yours Na Tumhaka Sutta SN 35:101 https://www.dhammatalks.org/suttas/SN/SN35_101.html
- Sensing from that perspective, from that way of feelings


2021-03-09 05:52
- Noticing the progress of insight in daily life and the intermediate phase between being asleep and being awake
- Earlier phases including cause and effect coming out strongly
- A&P?

2021-03-10 18:03
- letting go of every single thing
- Release the idea notion or goal of the goal
- Dharma stream carries far

2021-03-11
- Busier day preparing to leave on a trip
- Distraction or recurring thoughts
- Moments of practice sitting in car or walking back to hotel

2021-03-12 14:00
- reading MCTB2 and brief practice on a plane
- Reading Prog of insight felt like touring stages in experience, felt lived and experiential
- Felt like a PoI cycle completed and there was a letting go or freedom
- Awakening feels very close, very here and there, very right now

2021-03-13 08:38 - 08:49
- Following breath at nose
- Intending for a new PoI cycle / toward mind and body aka ñana-nama-rupa
- Distractions arose

2021-03-14 07:31
- how to describe what's happening?
- Like another nod, another twist, another letting go
- Specific stuck dualistic places are more obvious
- Stuck around seeing someone else or even self suffering? > upekkha
- Stuck around anger at someone else or self for past mistake? > metta
- Shargrol post compilation: At a certain point, MCTB needs to be left behind and WUTYL needs to be picked up. Seems relevant here. Especially this quote "in awareness practices we fall from direct presence and get lost in feelings of preference and ideas about identity, but then we wake up return to presence. And it's the waking up and returning that is the practice, so it's no big deal if we get lost 1,000,000,000,000,000 times because that means we have trained waking up and returning to presence 1,000,000,000,000,001 times! ... really subtle ways of devaluing your experience in this moment and looking for something in the future that will somehow add the value you think you need. (It might seem like a exaggeration, but these things really are clues for where we are psychologically defending ourself from experience. This is the subtle work of the higher paths.) ... WUTYL brings in reactive patterns and ways we make meaning, especially the 'imperatives' that seem like self. These unquestioned imperatives are exactly where the false self hides from investigation. ... The trick here is any 'less than ideal state' is still just a state. If we can hold the state in attention, it no longer traps us --- we see it as a state 'in' us, but not truly who/what we are. That means we can still take appropriate actions even though we don't feel 100% okay --- and that's how these subtle clingings and aversions and ignorings get defeated over time. ... Eventually, these 'state traps' are completely seen for what they are and they lose all power... but it takes time. It takes time to build capability to hold these states in attention. It takes time to appreciate that this really is the important work we need to master. And it takes time doing it well in order to eventually defeat the pattern. Slow, consistent, non-heroic training. High repetition, low intensity. ... So no need to rush, just slowly develop an appreciation that this is the sort of work that comes next."
-  very relevant

2021-03-14 16:34
- Noticed self getting fabricated/stuck in a thoughtstream earlier but I forgot what the specifics were (good sign?)
- I resolve to use this trip I am on as an opportunity for insight practice to the benefit of myself and all beings
- Reading Dustin Hoffman Case Against Reality book and being intrigued by QM and the way perception and phenomena influence each other

2021-03-14 17:43
- There seems to be a gap in MCTB2 regarding "quickly grabbing" unskillful thoughts with mindfulness and seeing their true nature in a way that deeply reduces suffering

2021-03-15 11:39
- Areas that seem sticky or selfy for me personally: feeling like I'm in the way or inconveniencing someone; feeling like I'm failing or hurting someone; feeling like I'm breaking a rule or violating a boundary; feeling like I'm dishonoring or falling short of my potential; feeling like I'm being rude or impolite; feeling like I'm ignoring or snubbing someone
2021-03-15 12:44
- Feeling like I'm faking it or not being real; feeling like my close friends or family aren't reaching their potential; feeling like my close friends or family are snubbing or hurting other people;
- Feeling like people are talking down to or judging me; feeling like I'm not valued or appreciated

2021-03-15 17:14
- May motivation arise for all three trainings (morality/sila, concentration/samadhi, insight/wisdom/vipassana/panna)
- May energy arise for growth and transformation and greater skill in all three trainings

2021-03-15 17:35
- Following breath with eyes closed
- Quick progress of insight
- Seeing beyond the states
- Letting it all go

2021-03-16 08:37
- living life according to kindness and compassion and anatta
- Letting go of anger and fear and envy as motivations (not that they wouldn't arise, but that they wouldn't be clung to as motivations)


2021-03-16 17:41
- multifaceted, multicomponent adventure of the spiritual life
- Components influence each other and help each other develop
- Components include
    - Direct realization
    - Personal relationship
    - Connections with co-adventurers
    - Science experiments and empiricism
    - Deep spiritual practices or disciplines including concentration or insight practices
    - Social and governmental transformation

2021-03-16 22:11
Areas of stuckness or selfing
- Money or financial loss or gain (esp. interesting around smaller amounts of loss or gain)
- Feeling like other people are holding me back or in my way
- Feeling like other people are intentionally ignorant
Very interesting that sleepiness seems to impact mindfulness

2021-03-17 09:09
- Eyes open for a while and then lumi jhana run with eyes closed
- Fruitions/gaps/pala

2021-03-18 09:11
- Playful, joyful acceptance
- Every moment every sensation
- Unfolding causally, self-liberating
- Let's go!


2021-03-18 20:33

Ideas from MCTB2
- When training in morality or thinking about morality, assume self and causality apply
- When training in insight, release self and causality
- Working through daily life, how to allocate time to insight vs morality vs concentration training
- What priorities for morality training?

2021-03-19 08:33

- wow, morality training can produce a hyper monkey-mind for me sometimes
- Lots of anxiety and jumping around and pursuing radical shifts or changes based on altered perspectives on sila
- Seems like it would be wise and skillful to take any major morality shifts very slowly and carefully

2021-03-19 09:27
- i resolve to continue more deeply in wisdom/insight/panna training
- I resolve to hold steady on the current course of morality/sila with roughly equivalent or current practices
- I resolve to be open to concentration/samadhi training when and where it is appropriate, with a view toward leveraging it for wisdom/insight/panna/vipassana

2021-03-19 12:57
- feeling collapsed or getting stuck or angry around the feeling of self or loved ones being judged or rejected
- Feeling collapsed or stuck around the feeling of being responsible or ethical


2021-03-20 08:48
- so crazy interesting how the contracted and colapsed emotional space of the dreamscape quickly faded as I woke up.
- Saw several emotionally salient triggers such as being judged and letting others down and being rude show up in the dream
- Learning to accept all those sensations

2021-03-20 12:30 - 13:15
- Practicing while sitting on plane
- Vipassana first
- Fruitions / gaps
- Inclination toward luminous jhanas
- 1 - 4?
- Noticing tendency toward productivity causing collapse or aversion for wasting time

2021-03-20 14:42
- Seeing fascinations desires and goals arise and vanish

2021-03-20 15:01.
- everything this body-mind does is conditioned or caused by prior sensations experienced
- The inclination to view some sensations as pleasurable or positive and others as painful or negative is based on prior sensation
- Saw sense of self, critical narrative thoughts about others, plans/goals for the future, etc. all disappear during brief anapanasati practice and then reappear
- Everything and everyone is empty

- longing or desire to help people struggling with trauma heal themselves
- Longing or desire to share blessings with the whole world

2021-03-20 15:28 - 16:28
- Vipassana and then luminjhanas
- Two jhana runs 1 - 8 and fruition
- When motivation for practice wanes, further practice esp for more than 1 hr can jumpstart motivation
- Seeing and releasing craving plus clinging (tanha plus upadana)
- Link to page with dependent origination pali words https://drarisworld.wordpress.com/2017/04/26/dependent-origination-in-theravada-buddhism/
- Progress of insight with pali words https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/mahasi/progress.html



Disagreement with mctb2

- Magick kinda seems like a huge ball of distraction?
    - This seems to include grand ideas and vast projects
    - This seems to include ideals or beliefs about the future
- Third path seems great and not frustrating
- Everything seems to be unfolding right here right now and very simple practice seems to address that


2021-03-21 13:56 - 14:30
- Following breath
- attempted jhana practice but vipassana took over
- three characteristics / marks of existence plus the six sense doors seem to be key
- let it come, let it be, let it go

2021-03-22 06:25 - 06:45
- Three characteristics / six sense doors
- basic vipassana with breath as (primary) object but other flickers
- Pretty solid focus on breath for most of sit
- Some flashes of thoughts/distractions around daily life stuff (chores, work, etc.)
- had to intentionally relax into equanimity/gap/fruition/phala
- Considering talking to Achan Dhammarato
- Noticed a stuck/clingy place around "I feel less enlightened", intense gap/fruition followed after seeing through that

2021-03-22 10:26
- Resurgence of interest in old ways / old kamma recurring
- What is the wise/skillful way to relate to work/jobs/career?

2021-03-22 17:20
- Resolved: to closely pay attention

2021-03-23 06:30
- noticing more resurgence in older thought patterns or intentions that seem unskillful

2021-03-23 22:00
- Samsara is nirvana
- Everymoment, every sensation, three characteristics, six sense doors

2021-03-24 07:35 - 07:50
- sitting on cushion, right leg closest
- Following breath, vipassana
- Rapid sensations, gaps/pala/fruitions
- Everything seems to be hppening by itself


2021-03-24 18:21
- Resurgence of mental talk, feelings, mental imagery from the past
- (Old kamma?)
- anxiety, fear, and pain

2021-03-24 23:11
- Painful feelings
- Seeing the three marks of existence in them
- Learning when to vipassanize and when to work in improving daily life

2021-03-25 02:34
- compassion > greed
- I resolve to pursue and cultivate compassion as a motivation

2021-03-26 05:26
- disrupted sleep patterns
- Physical cortisol response?
- Need to calm down with evening work and evening screen time I think


2021-03-26 07:46 - 07:47
- Three characteristics
- six sense doors
- sitting in chair
- following breath
- odd vibrations in right eardrum
- everything synced up to a nice, easy, subtle flow
- it all arises and passes on its own

2021-03-26 18:31
- Feeling pain and noticing more unskillfulor angry intentions
- Intentionally redirecting the mind to skillful compassion
- Compassion, understanding, kindness

2021-03-27 10:15
- Slept through last night
- Reduced screen time and work after 7PM
- Feel great; much better, more positive, less negative thought energy, etc.
- more excited and positive about everything


2021-03-27 13:30-13:45
- Wow
- Vipassana, sitting in chair, six sense doors, three characteristics
- Seemed like there was an ascencion or rise in concentration during the sit
- Deconstructing thoughts about awakening or attainments seemed to lead to bigger gap/cessation/pala
- Getting into Mindfulness in Daily Life by Stephen Proctor
- Deconstructing ideas or sensations of awakening

2021-03-27 14:12-14:34
- More distractions this round
- Same vipassana as before
- Wow fterglow of less agency seems like no sep self person is typing this


2021-03-27 14:49
General meditation update
- Spouse and I and family have all been healthy physically and emotionally
- Getting more into daily life practice
- Line between vipassana and samatha is getting mighty blurry
- Usually starting off formal sits by counting breaths to ten and then noticing the three characteristics of the sensations arising in the six sense doors
- Formal sits have been a joyous, wild ride from there including experiences that seems more samatha-esque
- Three characteristics seem to be popping up off the cushion
- Ideas from TMI and Stephen Proctocr/MIDL seem highly relevant
- MCTB/DhO descriptions of where traditional Theravadan maps broke down for people seem highly relevant
- Vipassana seems to be calling deeply both on and off the cushion
- Noticing odd resurgence of old conditioning, old desires, old obsessions, (old kamma?) arising with unusual intensity
- Formal intentions, mindful review, and mindfulness of actions seem to be helping contain bleed-through of old desire
- Mindful review seems way less religious/judgmental and way more accepting/inquisitive now
- It seems that mentally replaying an old situation where mindfulness collapsed and I acted out lessens emotional reactivity in future occurrences of that situation

Specific MIDL-related update and notes
Grateful for the MIDL Learning to Soften video. "Daily life ... that's where the real meditation happens. We think of our seated meditation as training for daily life."
Mindfulness remembers, mindfulness observes, mindfulness knows > how i'm relating
what experiencing now
relationship, attraction/aversion
we learn how to soften, relax our relationship toward what we're experiencing
softening is an abandoning, results in a letting go. withdraws our mind's habitual participation with experience.

2021-03-28 10:20 - 11:20
- sitting on cushion
- Rigjt leg closest to body
- Three characteristics
- Six sense doors
- some distractions or thought narratibes arose
- Every experience or sensation seems to be intrinsically empty
- This seems to be especially prevalent around ideas of awakening, morality, kindness, compassion, being a good person, etc.


2021-03-28 13:48
- I resolve to dedicate my mind to helping improve the physical, mental, and spiritual well-being of myself and other beings
- I resolve to avoid traps or downward spirals that lead to sending out negative or hurtful thoughts and feelings into the world

2021-03-28 20:15
- it seems possible to walk around with bright spacious mindful awareness all the time.
- In this state, collapses become more obvious
- Not clinging to experience as me or mine


2021-03-29 07:44 - 07:54
- Joy, gratitude, excitement for dhamma
- Sitting in chair, following breath
- replacing unwholesome action with neutral/wholesome following the breath
- the path to the end of suffering


2021-03-30 05:45
- Giving metta/karuna/mudita to subminds or subagents
- Not getting angry or frustrated when distractions or hindrances arise
- Accepting with kindness each part or piece
- Noticing that hunger seems to be waking me up early... intending to address this by eating more to get better sleep and be more present

2021-03-30 18:00
- Thoughts, feelings, and concern about my climate impact / carbon footprint

2021-03-30 18:30
- Three characteristics more resurgent now, feeling less collapsed or anxious
- Odd emotional undercurrent (stress?) running
- Might need to sleep


2021-03-31 07:23
- The (awakening) fractal is vast
- Experiencing gaps/pala/fruitions while walking around
- Eating more seems to have improved sleep
- Concern or anxiety around climate change seems to have lessened


2021-03-31 22:06
- Got a lot out of stealing the culture with dialogos stoa awakening talk
- Michael Taft lumps in the gravy seemed super relevant

2021-04-01 06:24
* no escape; nowhere to go but right now
* Noticing lots of planning or ideas about what to do today
* Relaxing and softening into this moment




2021-04-01 17:01
* Anxiety is occurring
* Relax and soften into it
* Nowhere to hide, nowhere to go

2021-04-02 09:24
* Trust
* Surrender
* Explore
* Adventure
* Acceptance


2021-04-02 10:20 - 11:23
* Second of two sits so far today
* Sitting on the ground
* Received recommendation from 23SigmaTropic to just sit
* It was interesting, intriguing, and powerful
* Formless / less formed experiences showed
* samatha experiences showed up
* vipassana experiences showed up
* gaps / fruitions / phala showed up
* resolution: no more what ifs. no more when thens. just here and now.

2021-04-02 22:01 resolution
* I resolve to let go of the morality trip obsession and let phenomena show themselves here and now


2021-04-03 08:40
* i resolve to reduce and let go of narrative thought streams directed at people not present here now in my experience
* I resolve to reduce and let go of fantasies or dreams of pleasant experiences and live in the here now.
* I resolve to carefully observe each intention as it arises and passes along with the actual activities that happen


2021-04-03 09:26
* i resolve to trust and surrender to the lawfully unfolding causal continuation of this agencyless experience
* I resolve to see the three characteristics in every sensation that seems to represent an intention, a doer, a decider, or a watcher


2021-04-03 10:00 - 10:45
* Sitting on cushion right leg closest
* Stabilizing mind and observing gaps/phalla/fruitions
* Letting it all go
* Awakening from or overcoming the belief in a separate self seems like a high priority


2021-04-03 12:00 -  12:41
* agencylessness
* letting go
* opening up the dhamma eye
* don't be afraid to live
* don't be afraid to work
* don't be afraid to love
* in the living, just the lived (no liver)
* in the working, just the worked (no worker)
* in the loving, just the loved (no lover)


2021-04-03 20:34
* Shifts are occurring
* following breath, multiple fruitions/cessations including while i'm typing this
* eyes becoming unfocused naturally, not grabbing on any object
* relaxation, low craving
* feeling of agencylessness no center
* walking with spouse, feeling very open
* stronger than usual motivation to keep sitting meditating walking in daily life
* i resolv e to see through the illusion of a separate self


2021-04-03 22:12
* sat some more
* Lots of pala/gaps/fruitions
* Bigger ones leading to tingly feelings
* Awareness is awakening itself
* The end is never the end
* Sati/mindfulness seems to be fading (sleepy) but that seems ok equanimity


2021-04-04 05:39
* Something of the shift from yesterday seems to have carried over
* Committed to right now
* Keeping the dhamma eye open
* Ahimsa
* Mindfulness
* There were some moments of sense desire or collapse last night
* I resolve to cultivate as skillful and wholesome of intentions as I can


2021-04-04 20:34
* The shift seems to have carried over through today
* Eyes open practice and mindfulness in daily life
* Hungry and thirsty for dhamma
* I resolve to maintain and remain and rebuild and persist the agencyless state, the clear light of anatta
* May all beings be free from suffering
* May this practice be for the liberation of all beings


2021-04-04 05:20
* i resolve to be completely comitted to right here right now these choices this family these relationships
* I resolve to awaken in this very moment by perceiving the impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and non-selfness of sensate phenomena
* I resolve to release and let go of wanting this moment to be anything other than what it is.
* The shifts from the weekend seem to be continuing
* I resolve to let go of ill will, sense desire, laziness and lethargy, anxiety and restlessness, and doubt


2021-04-05 05:34
* i dedicate myself to the work of compassion and liberation
* May this work be done for all living things


2021-04-05 06:11 - 07:11
* Wow
* Sense field seems to be self-liberating, that is, permeated with no-self and sensations everywhere
* Collapse into content still seems possible, but just looking or observing seems to quickly dissolve stuckness or collapse
* The equanimity "shimmering waves" phenomenon seems to be occurring continuously
* Fruitions / cessations / gaps / pala seem to be happening all the time (quite often)
* Seems like a pivotal shift has happened
* More reality testing and practice is needed to validate and verify this experiential shift
* there seems to be a deep letting go of samsara
* there seems to be a freedom or liberation or letting go
* smiled and chuckled while sitting on the cushion


2021-04-05 22:05
* Continuing to practice mindfulness in daily life
* Continuing to embrace the anatta perspective
* Read adivader's post about ekagata collapsing and anatta
* Started writing a post about waking up
* Continuing forward from the current new view


2021-04-06 17:21
* Busy day, lots of running
* Spacious awareness and the letting go or gap/phalla /fruition experience all seem readily available
* It feels like something has ended and something is beginning
* A new door has opened


2021-04-06 19;04
* i talked a lot in the past 1.5 hrs
* Especially strong emotional monologue of talking out loud to myself
* State of expansive awarenes feels more wobbly, less solid
* Intriguing


2021-04-07 07:57
* I resolve to bring mindfulness to the fore in every interaction, every situation
* May anatta, dukkha, and anicca be revealed as the necessary insights for awakening in this body-mind and all beings
* that perspective still seems present and available
* perhaps taking a bit longer to stabilize? or more letting go to see?


2021-04-07 09:42
* Bringing mindfulness to the fore in every activity


2021-04-07 21:33
* Meditated for approx 15-30 min earlier
* a jhana run occurred followed by gaps/pala/fruitions
* the spacious / anatta state seems to be continuing
* everything being blurry includes visual field but also thoughts or ideas
* interest in various different thoughts, ideas, systems, including Christianity seems to be arising
* shorter discourse on emptiness Cūḷa Suññata Sutta MN 121 is very interesting/intriguing


2021-04-07 21:46
* May all beings be free from the chains of duality


2021-04-08 05:50
* The perspective shift toward anatta seems to still be happening...


2021-04-08 07:05
* I resolve to let go of religious ideologies or dogmas and live in the here-now

2021-04-10 08:29
* resolved to greet every being including self with loving friendliness for 72 hours
* It's like learning a whole new technique
* Remembering/sati after forgetting over and over
* Lots of fun waking up and looking in the mirror and being all, "Hello, friend! May you be well."
* Seeing Animals was a good reminder


2021-04-11 08:34
* Mind distracted and jumpy
* Yet the baseline shift from a week ago seems to have held
* Occasional moments of high mindfulness and metta/lovingfriendliness rapidly coming out toward multiple people in a room
* Attempting to take it one moment at a time and not amplify suffering


2021-04-11 09:19
* Sat
* Experienced mind wandering/distractions, jhanas, states, fruitions, gaps, pala
* Amongst it all, this is it


Metta update


* It's like learning a whole new technique
* Remembering/sati after forgetting over and over
* Lots of fun waking up and looking in the mirror and being all, "Hello, friend! May you be well."
* Seeing Animals was a good reminder
* Occasional moments of high mindfulness and metta/lovingfriendliness rapidly coming out toward multiple people in a room


2021-04-12
* no formal practice


2021-04-13 21:06
* no formal practice today
* mindfulness seems to wax and wane, yet the spacious background area seems very much always there
* phenomena come and go, don't satisfy, and aren't me or mine
* this liberated perspective doesn't depend nor is it conditioned on external phenomena or even the state of this mind
* mind noise, distractions, old kamma, etc. these are not a worry or concern; they arise and pass
* tanha or habitual tanha leading to dependent co-arising chains of thoughts and behavior seems lessened or deeply reduced or even gone


2021-04-14
* No formal practice
* More delusive states / daydreams
* Sleepiness
* brief moments of vipassana practice / gaps / fruitions / pala, especially toward the end of the day


2021-04-15 12:51
* Letting go of or relaxing into wanting things
* Habitual thought patterns / old kamma rise up but are quickly released in the spacious awareness, ever-changing fluxing of mind


2021-04-16 07:30 - 07:45
* Sitting in chair
* Gaps/pala/fruitions states jhanas
* arising and passing rising and falling
* it's all connected: Samsara, nibbana, here, there, past, future, now. No escape.
* it all happens by itself through the unfolding of the causality
* wow this is quite marvelous captivating spontaneous flickering beauty


2021-04-16 11:29
* May this practice be fore the benefit of all beings
* May this life be for the benefit of all beings
* May all beings live free from the chains of selfishness, duality, and mind poison


2021-04-17
* No formal practice
* Touching the spacious, empty place during conversation
* Letting words thoughts or ideas arise from that empty place
* Noticing the fluxing, transient nature of sensations


2021-04-18 12:06
* woah. Realizing I am not responsible for alleviating all the suffering of the entire world
* Letting go of identifying as a good, self-sacrificing person
* Practicing sitting in a chair with eyes closed and eyes open
* Was sleepy earlier but feeling good now
* The spacious open perspective seems instantly available still
* Deep fruition/gaps/pala seem easily accessible
* There seems to be an option to access a sequence of gaps easily as well
* These seem to have stuck since the shift about two weeks ago


2021-04-19
* no formal practice
* Lots of self-narrative or self-talk
* Wanting to help or encourage others
* *esp sister-in-law
* Wanting to deconstruct unrealistic ideas or expectations
* Feeling pain or regret or undervalued
* Feeling push or drive for greater achievement
* Feeling unloved
* A single situation occurred with two waves of feeling
* Initial wave was interest and gratitude
* Second wave was regret, loss, and loneliness

2021-04-20 06:23
Pain or regret or loneliness feeling deepened
Wrestling
Wondering if there's a need to relax into instead of keep pushing for more


2021-04-20 06:38
* mindfulness in daily life seems key
Gratitude seems key
* Sukkha or satisfaction and upekkha or equanimity seem key


2021-04-20 07:40
* gratitude practice (writing thank-you cards) helped a lot

2021-04-20 16:23
* Noticing sense desire rising up today
* Thoughts of sense desire seem bundled or stuck around a particular topic
* Possibly related to my doing research on the topic and talking about it

2021-04-20 18:32
* Sense desire moved around to other object
* Releasing the idea of a self, of success


2021-04-20 18:47
* Sometimes the solution is softening into letting go and acceptance instead of pushing to "get more"


2021-04-21 11:30
* I resolve to spend the next 48 hours remaining mindfully alert
* Like the rubber band from TMI stage 8 momentary concentration or choiceless awareness practices, the mind seems to let go of objects and return to that spacious, receptive state


2021-04-21 17:15
* lots of moral anxiety
* motivating me to sit


2021-04-21 17:35 - 18:03
* Sitting
* Vipassana
* Lots of gaps / pala / fruitions
* Staying stabilized
* Emptiness
* Letting go
* Staying balanced


2021-04-22 06:32
* sitting seems to help break up those "lumps in the gravvy" or stuck places
* Sometimes, particularly sticky thoughts, feelings, emotions, or drives recur even after sitting
* Watching the collapses over and over and over seems to be doing something skillful or beneficial
* (Phenomenology) It does seems possible to focus the eyes clearly on a particular spot yet still access that spacious, more released perspective


2021-04-22 09:16
* Clear, sharp awareness, with focus


2021-04-22 21:21
* thankful for practice
* Thankful for dhamma friends
* Thankful for buddhas
* Reviewing the past 48 hrs, mindfulness seems very instinctive and natural. Metta earlier felt more challenging.
* Maybe this is an opportunity for more metta practice. Hmm...


2021-04-22 22:05
* moral panic and self-blame seems like an extension of pride


2021-04-24 08;45 - 09:30
* Sitting on cushion on ground
* At first, plenty of monkey mind and jumpy sense desire
* Interruptions of spacious gaps/fruitions/pala
* There seemed to be a point where the sense desire presented itself as just another object for investigation
* This seemed to lead to a more open, spacious plateau of practice
* I resolve to let every moment reveal the three characteristics

2021-04-24 22:49
* it is not the other person causing my distress
* It's my emotional reaction to the other person causing my distress


2021-04-25 10:33
* I resolve to bring sati (remembering mindfulness) and dhamma vicaya (investigating reality) to the forefront of every experience for the next 72 hours. Next report Wed or Thu.

2021-04-25 17:37
* It's becoming more clear how lapses or collapses in sati/mindfulness can open the door or lead to suffering / dukkha

2021-04-25 21:07
* Metacognitive introspective awareness seemed less present while I was pondering a moral dilemma
* Letting go / dropping the moral dilemma opened up spacious m.i.a.
* Adding a bit of energy (viriya) and investigation (dhamma vicaya) juiced things up


2021-04-26 07:29
* Thoughts in mind arising like waves on the ocean
* The emphasis isnt on any one wave but rather the expansive vastness of the sea
* Is this the point now?


2021-04-26 21:23
* Energetic low from not eating and then high after eating
* There was a lot of thinking about possible career paths, goals, and ideas
* Mind became more interested or fixated on one goal or idea
* Letting go or zooming out, all the goals or objectives seemed to be sliding into each other, interlooping and weaving and none fully separate from the other
* Samsara is nibanna


2021-04-26 05:51
* wow sila is empty , is impermanent, is unsatisfactory, is not me or mine
* Tanha to be good or to be perfect is still tanha
* Whatever content gets projected into the content of awareness does matter in the relative sense but totally does not matter in the absolute sense wow

2021-04-28 04:13
* Autovipassana technoque from Tucker Peck
* Going into mental pliancy and gebtly inclining the mind toward vipassana
* Seemed more calm, effortless, and stable than more effortful techniques
* Made it esier to see that awareness shimmer, shake, rattle, collapse, and expand

2021-04-28 05:00
* noticing loneliness or anxiety

2021-04-28 06:03
* Got collapsed around a more judgmental narrative.
* Seems like mindfulness can help relax or let go of the need to right wrongs or fix something
* Compassionate action seems to be linked to emptiness and letting go of things


2021-04-28 17:43
* hunger, internal conflict, and feeling sad/depressed/conflicted
* Negative or hurting emotions seem to be expressed against the same background as positive or joyful emotions
* even internal conflict can happen against that background


2021-04-28 17:51
* inclining toward emptiness/3 characteristics caused the negative emotion to disspiate


2021-04-29 10:08
* internal conflict continued but less eating seems to lead to hunger which seems to open up a more spacious, empty place
* lots of energy, spacious passion, but there seems to be less of a directed, grabby, goal-oriented pushing at it
* open or releasing the "boss-controller-entity" view
* pieces of internal conflict seem to be like mutant monsters attacking, recombining, and blending with each other


2021-04-29 10:42
* The loving acid of the dhamma seems to be dissolving the hard rocks of pride and moral superiority/panic


2021-04-29 20:20 - 21:20
* Adventurous Sit
* Started with samadi/concentration practice
* Took a qhile to get going but once it got going, Wound its way fairly high fairly quick
* Body sensations seemed subdued
* Vipassana seemed raucous and wild
* Autovipassana seems like coffee table self getting wrecked by mini godzilla
* Samadhi felt like mothra
* Shift from earlier this month seems to have held thus far


2021-04-30 04:55
* Note to self: Don't forget to dissolve pleasant/pleasurable sensations just like unpleasant ones
* Certain fruitions now feel like the before.  And after portions of the gap recognize or link up with each other. Reminds me of shinzen's description of transreverberation