2020-07-19 07:31
- During and after my shower this AM, lots of narration
- Resolved reduce narration and increase focus on daily life with "Meditating on Mind" and "Choiceless Awareness" and "Momentary Concentration."
2020-07-19 10:45 - 11:30
- Jhanas paid more attention or focus to directing them
- Felt like I entered 6th and experienced different languages
- After 6th jhana, followed breath
- Shudder -> blip or shudder -> jump or shudder -> silence
- Felt strong distraction right at the end of the sit right after the last shudder -> blip
- While volunteering outside earlier, noticed closing eyes, following the breath, then opening eyes and practicing "Meditating on the Mind" helped establish an open awareness without verbal/conceptual thought and without conscious experience of suffering.
- Resolved: Maintain awareness throughout daily life, reduce getting wrapped up in narration and selfishness, suffer less and cause less suffering.
2020-07-20 07:40 - 08:05
- Focused on jhana
- Nimitta seemed vivid and clear
- Maybe because I was keeping awareness while getting ready this AM.
- Using "Meditating on the Mind" in daily life to keep awareness
- Seemed to make it up to 4th jhana then 6th?
- Resolved to stay up there until the bell
- Experienced deep equanimity
2020-07-20 12:00 - 12:25
- Followed breath
- "Who is?" seemed like not even worth asking anymore
- Two shudder -> silence events
- First had deep calm afterward
- Second seemed to sneak up on me
- No-self perspective seems deeper than before
- Easier to see constant fluxing in the visual field
- Easier to notice constant background noise in hearing
- Easier to stay mentally zoomed out with awareness
- All these changes are motivating me to pursue greater awareness in daily life
- Follow breath -> quiet down -> meditate on the mind
- Is this similar to Roaring Silence?
2020-07-20 21:43
- Dissolved craving by closing eyes and concetrating on breath
- Concentration is getting stronger
2020-07-21 07:05 - 08:00
- Wow. Shudder -> silence -> less narration, less craving.
- Wanting things to be different is empty.
- Wanting things to be the same is empty.
- Wanting to break the rules is empty.
- Wanting to keep the rules is empty.
- Wanting to be powerful and successful is empty
- Hating and scorning the powerful and successful is empty
- Wanting everyone to be happy all the time is empty
- Wanting everyone to be sane, rational, healthy, mature adults is empty
- Wanting riches and wealth is empty
- Wanting noble poverty is empty
- Trying to get something not posessed is empty
- Trying to get someone else to let go is empty
- Trying to be socially respectable is empty
- Trying to be cool and disrespectful is empty
- That's enough for now
- Left leg closest to the body
- Jhanas. Focused more intensely and they seemed clearer.
- Went 1st-5th jhana?
- Felt like I experienced something after 5th jhana
- Coming back to the nimitta from distracting thoughts
- After a while in (formless?) jhanas and attempting to disperse distractions, inclined toward following breath and noticing fluctuations in the jhanas
- Following breath
- Noticing distractions
- Distractions related to wanting people to be different
- Kept following breath and focusing to reduce the impact of distractions
- Experienced some initial shudders
- Closer to the end of the sit, a larger shudder -> silence occurred
- After that experience, narration seemed to stop. Wanting people to behave differently seemed to stop.
- After a bit of time passed, thoughts of being free from rules or restrictions and being able to do whatever I want arose
- Shortly after that, there was another shudder & silence event and that thoughtstream of wanting to do whatever I wanted disappeared
- It seems I can more readily identify wanting or craving in daily life
- Also, consistently noticed since 2020-07-19 there are noticeable fluxing or variation in the visible field and some auditory background noise
- The fluxing seems to consistently be there whenever I stop and pay attention to it
2020-07-21 10:14
- Able to see causal thought chains leading to wanting things to be different more clearly
- Able to follow breath to disspiate the desire for things to be different
- When I notice wanting/craving attempting to take hold, going back to the breath
2020-07-21 14:52
- Pretty much any wanting of anything is susceptible to meditation's "seeing through"
- Concentration -> focus on breath -> dissolve wanting
2020-07-21 19:27
- Following the breath, disrupting craving/thought patterns
19:48
- Sudden burst of ill will
- Let it go
- Divest, depart, escape
- Don't hang on to anger
20:09
- It is possible to live to a degree of freedom I've never known
20:34
- Strong reaction with tons of narration
20:51
- Burst of narration again
21:38
- "Let go of the thirst for change" wasn't the answer I was looking for [from meditation]

2020-07-22 AM
- Lay down burdens carried of boundless personal growth
- Accept these humans (including Jeyan) for who they are
- A friend recommended Turkey Mountain State Park (in Indiana) as a good place to visit
2020-07-22 07:45 - 08:05
- Jhanas: 1-6? Or higher?
- Practicing awareness and releasig anger or ill-will seems to make it faster to access jhana
- Felt bodily senses even in what seemed like formless jhanas
- Using "Meditating on the Mind" during conversation or in daily life.
- Resolved: maintain awareness and view my whole life as practice
09:36
- Anger or frustration. Letting it go. Meditating on the mind.
10:04
- Did enneagram personality test. Became distracted
17:24
- Taking time to practice after a wild day.
2020-07022 17:25 - 17:55
- Wow. Quick shudder -> silence.
- Following breath
- Lots of tantric imagery
- Kept following breath
- Everything dissolved.
- Deeper calm/acceptance/equanimity
2020-07-23 11:56
- Got up around 5:40 am
- Cooking and chores took up time
- Didn't meditate this AM
- Received surprising/unexpected message
- Thoguhts kept going back to the message
- Busy dayat work, attentio nscattered about
- Letting go of trying to make everyone emotionally mature/healthy
2020-07-23 15:33
- I want to go back to school and become a trauma counselor
- I want to help poor people, especially muslims, process trauma
16:04
- Need to complete four more tasks for work. Struggling. Anxiety?
16:12
- Narration about AM message situation.
16:14
- Accepting the situation and letting it go
17:13
- Working through my tasks for the evening. Accepting life as it comes.
18:45 - 19:50
- Staying in jhanas for a longer period of time will lead to deeper states of absorption
- The practices I am doing will naturally and organically lead to deeper insight. I don't have to be afraid of failing or falling away
- I am on the journey to fourth path
- The skills and perspective shifts I have already experienced will help me in every future experience of suffering I have forever
20:46
- Tons of emotional activation toward the idea of being a psychologist/counselor
2020-07-24 07:13 - 08:04
- Learning to see content as content instead of drilling in and trying to figure it all out
- Jhanas
- Interrupted
- Persist following breath
10:56
- I have become quite persistent about overcoming some distractions in daily life
- I resolve to become more diligent about overcoming other distractions
11:02
- Learning how to handle a large, complex, emotionally charged situation skillfully
11:09
- Gentle, skillful hand
- Seeing the content or distraction arising
- Guiding gently back to the breath
- Maintaining awareness
11:36
- Whole life mindfulness training/mindfulness practice
- Embracing the full spectrum of being
14:31
- Narration after an exciting meeting
22:18
- No verbal thought -> less dukkha
- Sabbe sankhara annica
- Sabbe sankhara dukkha
- Sabbe dhamma anatta
2020-07-25 06:40 - 07:22
- Sitting on a couch
- Jhanas, shallow to deep progression
- Felt some boundless space and consciousness in there
- Plenty of content while following the breath
- Several shudder -> silence events
- Goal: maintain focus and concentration on the state that comes after shudder -> silence
- Explore those states of being with less verbal thought
- Practice self- and other-kindness
07:45
- Relative insights into content kept arising and grabbing attention
- Noticing that diagnostic urges to help are taking over helps to see through and dissolve those urges
- Relative insights to content are something I need to learn to accept and release
- This is especially true for relative insight into how other people can improve or what other people need to do
14:53
- Letting go of self and judgment yet still engaging in conversation
- Quickly letting stuff go
07:11
- Mind calmed down and stabilized
2020-07-26 08:08 - 08:28
- Jhanas
2020-07-26 08:35 - 08:45
- Anapanasati ( breath following)
- Concentrate on no-self, anatta. Sabbe dhamma anatta.
12:10
- Read shi-ne outside on Vajrayana Now blog this AM
- Somewhat troubled by certain aspects, but appreciative of the diversity of resources and the perspective
2020-07-27 07:59
- Slept in, vacation recovery
- Practicing awareness in daily life
2020-07-27 12:21
- About 10 to 15 minutes of sloppy breath following (anapanasati)
18:03 - 18:13
- 10 minutes of better anapanasati
2020-07-28 07:50 - 08:10
- Jhanas
- Letting go of ill-will and narratives of being "right"
- Finding something beyond the confines of self
11:30 - 12:00
- Sat and anapanasati
- Realized the "bump" or "peak piti" from The Mind Illuminated Stage Nine "Calming Piti and Maturing Joy" has been the "shudder -> silence" event
- Curious about where to go next
16:19
- Continuing to use breath following to disssipate craving
2020-07-29 11:22
- More narration today
- Read more Dharma Overground last night
2020-07-29 16:56
- Longer day at work
- Worked later
- Hungry for practice
- Noticing massive flicking/impermanence in the visual field
20:30 - 21:30
- Following breath while watching TV on the couch next to my spouse
- Seeing swish or patterns on the white wall
- Accepting myself for who I am
2020-07-30 06:50 - 07:55
- Resolved: block distracting websites
- Resolved: Focus on The Mind Illuminated practice
- Resolved: Forgive Culadasa for misconduct
- Resolved: Listen to Culadasa and Rob Burbea
- Resolved: Finish the re-read of The Mind Illuminated
- Jhanas
- Felt like maybe 7th and 8th?
- Breath following
- Put more energy into meta 7a
- Also, embraced spells of effortlessness
- Awareness expanded
- Deeper nos-elf experiences
- Seemed like consciousness without object may have occurred around a shudder -> silence
- Resolved keep metacognitive introspective awareness in daily life
- It seems possible to hold that same sort of metacognitive introspective awareness during daily life
11:26
- Wow metacognitive introspective awareness is spreading outward. Accpeting everything in my daily life.
2020-07-31 05:53
- Tons of narration
- 06:11
- Gradually, narration is subsiding
2020-07-31 06:30 - 07:30
- Scattered mind
- Repeated the 4-phase transition a couple times
- Strong/gross distraction during jhanas and breath following
- Perhaps tiredness due to early wake up time?
- Jhanas, up to at least 5th?
- Right leg closest to the body
- Resolved: more effort to counter lethargy
- Tempted to channel some anger that was arising [as motivation for activity]
- Choosing to let is dissipate instead and practice metta. [in hindsight, this seems like a good choice.]
2020-08-01 07:32 - 08:37
- Jhanas, 6 and perhaps beyond
- Left leg closest to the body
- Resolved: do more anapanasati later
- Resolved: awareness/sati throughout the day
- Overcame intesnse, emotion- and pleasure-charged distractions by
1. Focusing on the the physical component of the sensation
2. Keeping the nimitta in awareness and with as many moments of attention as possible
3. Is this worth a TMI subreddit post?
- Maybe another post describing how to mindfully stay aware in daily life
- Culadasa said in meditation and insight audio #1 that sitting is like training wheels and awareness + attention = sati in daily life is riding the bike
- Resolved: Look up trauma counselors in our area with strong community service records
- Goal: Get licensed and become a trauma counselor
- Firnding motivation and intensity to take on this challenge and maintain my job
- Discipline is required
- Seeing through others eyes. Anger isn't stable motivation
2020-08-02 08:30 - 09:20
- Ended sit with seeing a tantric buddha after what seemed like pure consciousness without an object
- Started with jhanas
- Distractions happened around the four-phase transition to the meditation object (especially between the six-point preparation and the four-phase transition)
- Distractions around jhana transitions
- Was the tantric deity Chenrezigs?
- Several shudder -> silence events occurred
- Awareness, when strong and balanced, seems to make it easier to sense consciousness without an object
10:45
- Shudder -> silence events occurred while sitting with the eyes open
2020-08-02 16:30
- Distracted by looking up web pages and books while talking on the phone with loved ones
- Resolved: pursue greater awareness... maybe using a note pad to take paper notes on what to look up after talking to them?
19:59
- Metacognitive introspective awareness is catching and preventing distractions as I'm working on this very meditation log. Cool!