Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

Polly Ester’s practice log 6

Posts: 5293 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I don't currently have the time or energy to provide any particular framing for this new thread. It's just a continuation, in the middle of a bumby road.

Note to (not)self: At this point in time, with the parental responsibilities that I have in the relative world and the conditions around them, it isn't physically or emotionally possible to put in any "active" work to mastering the nanas and jhanas to the extent that would involve slam shifting inbetween them. If it doesn't happen on its own, it won't happen. The choices I have is to either be chill with that or not. Thus I'll try to be chill. If I can't make it through the day, awakening won't happen anyway. 

I was exhausted yesterday. I managed to sit for twenty minutes to tune into the space around stuff. Then I had to sleep. It will have to do. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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After a busy day full of meetings at work and stressful dilemmas to deal with privately, I did the latest guided meditation by Michael Taft at SF Dharma collective https://youtu.be/j-XELl6BKY4 at a public library, seated by a desk. The way I'm currently conditioned, in life situations like this I tend to pick up the control freak patterns until I get too exhausted and then I collapse. Therefore practicing letting go is both necessary and has great potential for integrating practice into daily life, as there are plenty of everyday situations that are excellent opportunities for training. Letting go was part of the exercises in the session, and it was also something I needed to practice in the other sections of the session as well because otherwise I wouldn't be able to follow the instructions at all. 

I noticed that when I was able to let go of grasping something, I could feel kinesthetically that it opened up space as it disentangled layers of contractions. Visually, it got brighter. 

This morning I was woken up by panicky messages from a person that I'm responsible for, putting me into several difficult ethical dilemmas simultaneously. It was very evident how contracted it made me. 

During the work meetings, I payed attention to my reactive behavior and how it caused suffering. I found myself trying to negotiate the distribution of work in a way that would increase my burden to a large extent. I even tried to find ways of doing it that would go unnoticed by my boss, because I couldn't let go of control of the outcome of the project. I was so annoyed when my boss kept distributing the work in a way that would actually make my life less stressful. Seeing this, it was so obvious that I need to let go more. I made a note about letting go. I realized that not trying to secretely work more than I'm allowed to do would actually take away lots of problems and make space for dealing with the dilemmas that were stressing the hell out of me this morning, and also take away parts of the buzzing chaos of entangled thoughts that occupy so much of my awareness. 

I think it may be wise to focus on letting go for a while, both in my formal practice and as daily life informal practice. It can be done in basically all kinds of situations. Strengthening the ability to let go is fundamental, so it is necessary regardless of what kind of practice I'll be doing later on. It is also necessary for the sake of my wellbeing and survival, and for my capacity to benefit others. There. Decided. I think a may have a theme for this practice log after all. 
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Bardo, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
This morning I was woken up by panicky messages from a person that I'm responsible for, putting me into several difficult ethical dilemmas simultaneously. It was very evident how contracted it made me. 

During the work meetings, I payed attention to my reactive behavior and how it caused suffering. I found myself trying to negotiate the distribution of work in a way that would increase my burden to a large extent. I even tried to find ways of doing it that would go unnoticed by my boss, because I couldn't let go of control of the outcome of the project. I was so annoyed when my boss kept distributing the work in a way that would actually make my life less stressful. Seeing this, it was so obvious that I need to let go more. I made a note about letting go. I realized that not trying to secretely work more than I'm allowed to do would actually take away lots of problems and make space for dealing with the dilemmas that were stressing the hell out of me this morning, and also take away parts of the buzzing chaos of entangled thoughts that occupy so much of my awareness. 

People are our next practice beyond the meditative terrain. People can be used as a sort of gauge for us to, ruffling the feathers of the self and causing us to become introspective about how we might respond or about the response we have already given. People, in this sense, can become a significant tool in pushing our levels of consciousness beyond that of our usual pre-defined unconscious responses. Now, I make that sound so elegant but for me people are testing to the same degree as you describe and probably always will be so long as I continue to haul around this mass of blood, organs and bones. This is especially tricky with people who I have a history with. No longer do I share the same moral conducts as some of my friends and this has lead to separations which I really don't mind. I find it particularly treacherous negotiating moral and ethical conducts with close friends and family. I don't mean discussing morals and ethics but more trying to bend and flex within their moral and ethical framework. Quite a delicate undertaking I might add and not a precise science! Me and precision usually get along very well until a second party graces my company and proceeds to scribbles all over it! That's a trait I've been looking closely at. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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I have a similar relationship with my precision... We get along fine too as long as I don't interact with other people.

That's not entirely true, though, as there are also internal conflicts. Just living with being autistic and having ADHD at the same time is enough to ruffle plenty of feathers. The inhabitants of "the Polly Ester continuum" are sufficiently diverse to annoy the crap out of each other without setting foot outside the apartment. 

As for negotiating ethics and moral conduct, that's not something I usually need to do that much as I have pretty clear boundaries to begin with and that tends to attract some people and repell others. The ethical dilemmas I vaguely mentioned here are not due to any single individual's poor judgement or anything like that. It's more about system failures in society and limitations of medical knowledge and economy and other resources in a tough situation that involves unknown factors and great risks in many different ways.  

The second comment, was that an example of your precision? emoticon
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Bardo, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
The second comment, was that an example of your precision? emoticon


Nope! That's not me being precise.

Ever time I read your name I can't help but imagine plentiful of rolls of polyester!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Ah, I see, haha! As I had no idea to what you were referring, I thought maybe you were correcting my spelling error and then added the smiley as a comment to that, but I see know that it was a genuine note to your (not) self and that the smiley was the note. Polly Ester is an alias that I have used for some time. It feels more authentic than my birth name, maybe because it is so obvious that it is fictive that it doesn't make me feel that I should play the part of the separate and continuous female entity Linda. 

---

Yet another hour of the breath meditation. Here I got into dreamy territory. For instance I thought I was focusing diligently only to notice that what I was focusing on was utter nonsense. Ayya Khema talks about that. It’s an imbalance between energy and concentration/serenity with too little energy for maintaining mindfulness. I recognize that from my early practice.

Here I took a break from meditation and dealt with some outer world responsibilities, the thought of which had been draining me for some time. It's a relief, having done that. I think I'm ready for some more meditation after taking some care of the mammalian body.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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I did another hour of the same guided meditation today at another public library while waiting for a train. It started out with relatively good clarity, but I had forgotten to take my ADHD medication so halfway through I started to have sudden drops into dullness. There were flashes of dream images and the feeling of sinking very fast. I paused for a few seconds to take my pill, but it took a while for it to kick in. A large part of the instructions involved letting go of all grasping of any object, and that kind of open awareness can periodically be difficult for me with regard to maintaining clarity. Within the time frame of ADHD medicines leaving the system is not the best time for that kind of practice. Still, the baseline of clarity is gradually improving over time in my practice, so I wasn't seduced by pleasant dullness. The success rate of letting go wasn't exceptional, but I did notice things opening up when I managed to do it. The airways opened up, and it got brighter and more spacious. The instructions about awareness being any sensory input that appeared came after I was late to take my medicines, so that part did not work out that well. Instead I payed attention to the different visual forms that appeared, mainly to avoid falling into dullness: a red dot, somewhat bigger and less focused than in fire kasina; a bright dot, same size; a bigger and vaguer red spot; a bigger and vaguer bright spot; a reddish field, sometimes partly covered by a blue-green disc; a bright field; general brightness; sparks of light; a concentrated small black dot; thin vibrant and wavy strings of light; statics; occasional dream images (I saw an old friend that I used to share an apartment with, which coincided with the song "Living on my own" spinning in my head); purple swirls; blue-green swirls. Towards the end of the session, there was pain in my back and neck, and I paused to take some paracetamol as I don't want to risk having a negative feedback loop of histamines being produced because of the pain signals and causing more pain and more histamines (I'm histamine intolerant). The pain distracted me. I need to build up momentum.
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Bardo, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

Note to (not)self: 


Note to (not) self. emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Some sort of calm is gradually finding its way back. While on the train I started to listen to a recorded retreat with Ayya Khema from 1994, in Germany but in English. I find that she inspires confidence, trust and faith with her warmhearted authority and competence. It was the kind of retreat that covers the basics, and that felt good as I need to get away from striving too much and wanting more than is currently possible. She reminded me that loving the practice for its own sake is fundamental. I know that I have that kind of love. I just forget it sometimes. 

Then I did half an hour of anapanna sati with noting of the content of thoughts disturbing the focus on the breath. One suggested label was "past", and I noticed that noting "past" was a great relief. It made me feel that it was gone, which made it easier to let go of the thought. Soon the disturbing thoughts were reduced to fragments. At first I had still a sense of what the fragments were about, but after a while it was more like I was picking up fragments of conversations or brief snap shots of imagery without actively listening to them or watching them and without making any sense of them. The breath was exquisite. I could feel its beginning, middle and end and those little twists that it makes at the end both of the inbreath and of the outbreath, and the brief space inbetween them. There was a sense of the breath syncronizing with the purple swirls, as if I was breathing purple swirls. The breath did indeed swirl. I felt the breath in the entire body even though I was anchored by the nostrils. My body was relaxed. The spine went through some subtle shifts, straightening and sort of opening itself. Towards the end of this short session I got a bit dreamy, but I stayed aware of my mind state. 

As I was writing this report, my mum called to tell me that a cousin of mine has had a car accident and is at the hospital. It's weird. I feel that I care deeply and yet I'm not stressed out. There is nothing I can do about it right now more than wishing her well. My aunt has already lost one child in an accident (a work accident), so she is devastated. We don't know much yet. My mum will call as soon as she has any new information. Calling my cousin's closest family would only add to their burden right now. It wouldn't help in any way. My cousin will probably be in surgery as they had to cut her loose from the car wreck. I love my cousin. We grew up together. What I feel right now is love. And calm. What I'm thinking is "It is what it is", and then I think of her when we grew up and feel love again. Some small voice starts saying something along the line that I "should" be anxious and cry, but I don't even believe that and so it just peters out. Yet I feel closer to the feeling of love and care than I have ever done in times like this before. And I see clearly that all the stuff that gets in the way of reconnecting with my beloved cousin is just nonsense. I see that there is space to do that. That the time running away with all its "must do:s" is an illusion. That I can step out of it. There's a sense of timelessness. Simplicity. Clearness. Nada sound. Stillness. Space. May she be well. May her loved ones be well. 
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curious, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Much love to you and yours.  The dharma can truly be a sparkling jewel at times like this.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Thankyou, and right back at you.

It's morning and my mum just called again to tell me what she knew and see if I'm okay because apparently there has been an explosion in an apartment building in the part of the town where I live (I didn't notice anything), so it was good to be reminded of how I took this yesterday. Reading it made something pop in my head (literally - there was a sound, and then breathing was easier) and invited the peacefulness and love and space again. The moment before that was more cut off. I woke up from very non-lucid dreaming involving vampires, warewolves, evil parents at a day nursery (or maybe they were just vampires), adoption of a child (maybe because his parents were vampires) who was unusually lucid and communicative for a baby, life and death struggles, erotic encounters and falling in love with a vampire gardener as a warewolf, planning to grow cucumbers together, end eventually some peacemaking, which was a relief both because of the peace and because I didn't want to be stuck in samsara for eternity as a vampire-warewolfe. 

My cousin is still sedated after her surgery. As far as we know, she has a concussion and a broken femoral neck. It could have been much worse. 

I'll try to bring the peace with me through the day even as I deal with a very tough situation making me feel powerless and insufficient as a parent. Right now it sort of pops back and forth inbetween perspectives. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Ayya Khema's teaching is brilliant and very well suited for me. She gives me no escape from seeing through and letting go of my own bullshit. She keeps me motivated and reminds me of what I love about meditation, while at the same time also keeping me from running ahead to dabble with what is beyond my conditioning. I have no doubt that her teachings work, both in the long run and to make it through the day. The next time I'm expressing doubts about what I'm doing and where I am at, feel free to remind me of that. I'm dedicating this day to following her teachings, as a mini retreat. It feels absolutely necessary, and thankfully my job terms are flexible enough to allow that. 

Some observations: I ramble too much. The reason that other people's ramblings annoy me (not here) is that I too easily get caught up in rambling myself. I ramble too much here as well. One reason for that has to do with difficulties in letting go. I have noticed a tendency to comment on threads that I find interesting, that is, commenting not because I have anything useful to say but because of fear that the thread will not get enough attention by others to stay among the recent posts, and that I will therefore forget about it, and that those who actually have something useful to say about it will neglect to do so, and therefore I will miss out on important information. That is reactivity. I need to let go of that. 

Now back to Ayya Khema.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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One hour of focusing on the sensations of the breath and noting the content of thoughts and the nonsensical fragments that disturbs the focus, and investigating persistent thoughts.

Building momentum can happen fast if I commit fully to the practice. Ayya Khema's toolbox helps occupying my ADHD mind enough to maintain interest, which makes it easier to fully commit to the practice. 

There are more patterns of validation junkiness in my mind than I have been wanting to see, which is why I get annoyed by other people's craving for validation. 

Clicks and pops inside the head seem to accompany instances of letting go leading to a shift in perspective, including minor shifts like dropping a thought pattern midsentence. The kinesthetic feeling of it and the sound are probably my mind's way of noticing the shift. The sense of it being a restart is probably most of the time "just" space opening up, purification, and brightening and expansion of awareness - which is pretty much what the practice is about. Every such instance is one of the many many many steps of the journey, nothing less and nothing more than that. 

The breath is not boring. 

I love wet vipassana. 

Cycling really is fast. Getting excited about signs of good practice really does lead to instantly dropping down to lower nanas. 

There really is resistence to just being with the moment, but it can be dropped. When it is dropped, vipassana jhanas unfold on their own. At least part of the resistence has to do with the erroneous and counterproductive belief that a controler is needed for the experience to happen and for the insight of it to be retrieved and remembered (as if it were something that could be contained and stored).
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Another pattern that I have noticed is feeling the need to validate others not necessarily because that is helpful, but because I identify with them and cannot bear the thought of not being validated. How do I know if validation is helpful or if it just feeds similar reactive patterns to those I have? 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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I did 20 minutes of meditation on the sensations of the breath, sitting up this time instead of reclining. Meditating directly after attending to some urgent mundane issues made it very clear how triggering the current situation is for me, that is, the one that I have only described in very general terms for integrity reasons (not my integrity). The momentum that I had built up during the day was gone. 

Pondering this seems to do something, though. Writing this caused one of those popping/clicking/snapping phenomena and then breathing was easier and the nada sound was louder. Letting go is possible. It just takes some time and commitment and investigation. There is calm and clarity now. The contrast is huge. I need to strenghthen the pathways to this nonreactive mode. That’s a top priority.

Besides from the meditation on the breath that I have reported in the log today, I have done some guided investigation, contemplation and metta, all from a recorded retreat with Ayya Khema. I have also listened to dharma talks. I haven’t done any proper walking meditation. I have tried to remain aware of all movement, but there is room for improvement there. 

I will continue to listen to the retreat for a while, but it is late now so it’s time to sleep soon. This is the retreat: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEMTepz8x_4lOUSKnxL6pDJvVC3mWDqOH It starts with the basics. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Thursday, Jan 23rd, 2020

This morning there was a rather loud popping sound when dreaminess shifted into lucidity.

Listening to Ayya Khema’s dharma talks helps with shifting the perspective to something less ego-centered. It changes sensory experiences. My face feels boundary-less, dissolved, and that’s a relief. The jaw just falls down as there are no tensions keeping it up. There is space and silence and stillness. 

I have listened to all English recordings of her that I can find, I think I’ll start listening to her German ones. I read German in school more than 25 years ago and I haven’t had that much practice, but I think it might be possible to learn to understand it well enough. Then maybe I could apply to a retreat at the center she founded, with a teacher that studied for her. Germany is not that far away. 



Oh no. So that’s what this layer is about. It’s the anxiety tied to guilt and shame that I thought I had already dealt with. I did deal with it, but probably only with a more shallow layer. That anxiety was hellish when I grew up and for a long time also as an adult, but I dealt with it in therapy and through personal processing. I honestly didn’t see this one coming. Thankfully I have friends to process things like this with, but I’m not so sure that it will help that much. This cycle will be a tough one. This is where I have my traumas. This is the old self hate. I thought I had already let go of that. Apparently I haven’t. I don’t even understand how it is possble, as there is no continuous and separate entity that can hate and no separate and continuous entity that can be hated. And yet, something clings to the hate and identifies with it, for some very strange reason. 

I guess there is no separate and continuous entity that has dealt with it either. That’s gone. So... is there something to deal with or isn’t it? I can’t do anything about the past. All I have is the now, and by the time this is posted, that now will no longer exist.

Thinking about it as layers is misleading. The layers are just constructions in the now.

Okay, I’ll try anew: for some strange reason, things are popping up now that have nothing to do with the here and now except in my storytelling. It’s a mesh of entangled thoughts and feelings creating feedback loops that aren’t any helpful. I need to let go of those narrative connections. 



I need to stop identifying with responsibilities in order to prioritize in a non-reactive way. I need to let go of the clinging that causes so much anxiety that I can’t even do anything anyway because it passivates me. Identifying with the responsibilities makes it difficult to see other options. It prevents clarity. As I’m starting to see the reaction chains more clearly, I can see how much suffering I create for myself when I do not let go, and how it doesn’t make the world any better, because my time and energy and capacity are limited. Thus I’m starting to let go of things. There is resistance to it, but I’m doing it. Hopefully it will make space for things that I can do wholeheartedly and with pure intention.



Meditation sessions:

30 minutes sitting with the breath. Exquisite breath interrupted many times by distractions related to difficulties in letting go.

Short break to medicate cat.

1 h of reclining meditation with the breath. Exquisite breath close to absorption interrupted now and then by confused dreaminess. Kriyas: head shaking and a moaning sound at one instance - that’s a new one. Letting go of tensions.

It seems like the window of balance between energy and concentration is very narrow right now. I need more yoga. 
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Bardo, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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I guess there is no separate and continuous entity that has dealt with it either. That’s gone. So... is there something to deal with or isn’t it? I can’t do anything about the past. All I have is the now, and by the time this is posted, that now will no longer exist.

Thinking about it as layers is misleading. The layers are just constructions in the now.

Hey Linda!

Nice to catch up on your postings!

Is there something to deal with or not? This is the question and for me it has been a question that has forced me into the present and often in some uncomfortable ways. It often feels like I'm trapped in the moment. I know there's no worth in thinking about the past or searching for comfort in the future and that just leaves the present moment. The thing about the present is that it seems to be elusive and therefore unsatisfying. It's almost like its not actually the present but instead a reverberating past and future condensed into a very small time-frame. However, with prolonged exposure to this fabricated presence an aperture opens up. It's like a dark hole. I popped through it once or twice and it was rather interesting on the other side - so interesting that it can not possibly be described as the other side but more this side of this side or perhaps samsara illuminated.

Okay, I’ll try anew: for some strange reason, things are popping up now that have nothing to do with the here and now except in my storytelling. It’s a mesh of entangled thoughts and feelings creating feedback loops that aren’t any helpful. I need to let go of those narrative connections. 

Oh, the feedback loop of the mind can get quite frustrating at times. One thing that helps me with this is by switching my attention to something in the outer world. It might be the movement of a person walking along the pavement or the sensations one feels when washing the dishes but then take it further: notice that your attention has moved from thoughts to physical sensory objects and that the movement of the attention can develop relationships with wherever it is placed. In this way you're seeing how attention itself is governed by conditions and that you don't have to succumb to those conditions. Another level of awareness becomes aware of the jumping around of attention.

I need to stop identifying with responsibilities in order to prioritize in a non-reactive way. I need to let go of the clinging that causes so much anxiety that I can’t even do anything anyway because it passivates me. Identifying with the responsibilities makes it difficult to see other options. It prevents clarity. 

I've found that when I remove the need, which basically says I mustn't or shouldn't be doing something, a different outlook arises about the issues that I'm faced with in daily life. Feeling you need to change yourself generates a lot of resistance. Don't sweep the feathers, let them naturally settle. Sometimes intervention is called forth but this comes from the action of non-action as opposed to the resistances of needing. These things become like boats you gently untie from its mooring and allow to slowly drift away with little to no fuss. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Thankyou for your input!

I find that it sometimes helps just to see how a chain creates unnecessary suffering and point out the need to let go of it and then just let that sink in. The shift happens on its own when the chain has been seen through. It may take a while and it may be a bit back and forth, but what is seen can't be unseen. 

The now is only a cage when we build walls of past and future around it. Just having the now is a relief. 

I temporarily let go. I don't doubt that it will come back many times, but for now there is relief. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Friday Jan 24th:

20 min sitting meditation focusing on the breath before the yoga class
75 min soft yoga including some reclining meditation in the end
20 min sitting meditation focusing on the breath
70 min reclining meditation focusing on the breath

The yoga was the practice that involved least distraction, as it requires of me that I focus on what I’m doing in the here and now so much that there are less opportunities for thoughts to hijack my attention. Outside of the yoga I have a very hard time letting go of constant worries about my kid and about doing the wrong things as a parent. Being a bad parent. Being insufficient. 

Saturday Jan 25th:

Whoa! In this recording, Ayya Khema is very critical of Mahasi Sayadaw: https://youtu.be/doP5_uedqbg I didn’t realize that there was such a conflict. I don’t think there has to be one.

Walking to yoga class (20 min), trying to lead attention back to mindfulness of the body
Focusing on breathing until the class started (about 10 minutes)
75 minutes of Vinyasa yoga
Walking home (20 min), leading attention back to mindfulness of the body.

Realizing that what I’m dealing with right now is not just ordinary monkey mind, but trauma-induced automatic thinking. I may need to use therapeutic methods as a complement to meditation. If I can’t do it by myself or together with my online support group, I may have to seek therapy. I need to disentangle some stuff and I need to get breaks from the reactive chains to strengthen other pathways.

30 minutes sitting mindfulness of the breath, focusing on the sensations of the breath and counting it to make sure that I notice when thoughts about the ongoing trauma come up. I never lost count, but somehow I managed to think about my kid's situation anyway. 

Forget to be mindful abot the body when I go into the kitchen to check on the potatoes, twist my ankle as I stumble over a ball (cat toy). Humbling. Actually pretty funny. 

Dharma talk on death
The 5 daily recollections - contemplation. Temporary shift of perspective with face feeling itself.

Another dharma talk on death. It was very obvious when the ADHD medication stopped working, as it made me suddenly sink into oblivion. I looked at the watch and saw that I should have taken my medicines a few minutes ago. It is difficult to fit the practice into the short time span of proper focus as the pills that I take (that don’t give me any adverse histamine reactions) only last two hours.

1 h of reclining meditation on the breath. Less distraction, but instead I got into dreamy territory where I thought I knew exactly what I was doing but really didn’t.

20 min reclining meditation on the breath. Dullness.

30 minutes sitting meditation on the breath: worries, guilt, feelings of helplessness and being insufficient, worries about lack of energy, worries that worries are my only drive. Now and then I manage to have wholesome thoughts about how pleasant the breath is and even actually experience the breath, but I think that triggers guilt about taking care of myself instead of others that depend on me, and it doesn’t respond to logic. I’m not ruling out a winter depression, but it could also be related to the cycling, or it could be both. The thought came up that I need to find a method that I love rather than a result that I love, because I can’t count on the results. I’m not loving this - which, then again, could be related to cycling and/or trauma and/or depression. Or just resistance. Regardless of method, it just won’t be great all the time. At least this shows me what is holding me back. And I did love it a couple of days ago. 

Sherpa. Walking through the terrain in all kinds of wheathers and seasons. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Later today: 30 minutes of reclining meditation focusing on sensations of the breath. I feel the sensations but the mind manages to squeeze in worries interspersed with the sensations. I did come up with one thing that I can actually do to help the situation a bit. Afterwards I felt that concentration and clarity had improved a bit, as the nada sound was loud and impermanence was obvious in the visual field.



Night: I did Michael Taft's latest guided meditation at SF Dharma Collective https://youtu.be/kDo5sQMILE4 and could finally relax without getting dull. I could follow the instructions and it worked. I did feel awareness in those different locations. Thanks goodness! The back of the head was tingling as I "inhabited" the fictive point of awareness with sensations until it was clear that no such point was there. Tuning into awareness in the throat instead, and then in the heart, wasn't difficult. Maintaining focus wasn't difficult either, for a large part of the session. However, this was way past bedtime (and way past midnight too) and I was lying down in my bed in a dark room, so then I fell asleep. 

EDIT: After writing the above, I went back to some time before I fell asleep, to do the rest of the meditation, which was only a few minutes. It felt good.
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curious, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

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Linda, in what domains can you currently perceive emptiness, if you try?
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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I don't know. I'm not sure what counts. Apparently not enough when it comes to parenting in a tough situation, and even if I did perceive emptiness there, my kid still wouldn't. There would be less suffering for me but not for her. That situation triggers me, and so it seems that my perception of emptiness is very inconsistent. 

I have these brief glimpses of shifts in perspective. During those, it is as if something loses its grip of my face, if that makes any sense. For a while it felt as if awareness moved slightly in front of my body, outside of it, but that seems to have stopped. When that was happening, it felt as if there was still some kind of anchor back in the body, like an astronaut leaving its mother ship but safely tied to it with a cord. Now during the shifts it's more like agency dissolves, but it is very temporarily. In comparison, the sense of agency feels very heavy. Unfortunately, that's most of the time. 
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curious, modified 1 Year ago.

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Do you notice emptiness in the concept of ....  gender?  
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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I have never really understood gender to begin with. It was rather late in my adult life that I realized how much it matters to people and limit people. And in the current situation I need to be very careful about expressing the emptiness of gender, because it definitively is not empty for my kid, but rather a matter of life or death. 
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curious, modified 1 Year ago.

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Right - I will tread carefully as I think I know what you are saying. Metta to you and your darling child. I know several others in variations of that situation (if I understand correctly) and I know how hard that is.  The world needs more love, not more labelling of people in a way they don't want <heart>.  

But something can be both empty and real at the same time. Form is emptiness. Emptiness is form.  Sometimes we struggle with the form, becaue we somehow intuit the emptiness beneath it.  It doesn't mean the form is not real - even the eightfold path is a dependently arisen fabrication. I chose gender because of what you said - that you clearly never really understood it, because somehow you knew at a deep intuitive level the emptiness of it for you

Maybe it is time for you to look at the emptiness of concepts (but perhaps not that concept).  I say this because you seem to have snapped back a little from non-dual expansion (perhaps I am wrong?).  This happens all the time.  I sometimes think the path is partly about getting different versions of the non-self insight again and again and again until we exhaust the selfing defence mechanims.  So perhaps a fresh approach to emptiness - contemplating the emptiness of concepts, might free something up?

Just a thought.

Malcolm

P.S. Apologies if I have made any incorrect assumptions here. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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Thankyou for your compassion!

You are very right that I have snapped back, and it is very frustrating, and I know that frustration is very counterproductive and unfortunately I'm frustrated about that as well. The thing is, I understand what you say very well. I don't have any problem in seeing that things are both empty and "real" at the same time. Being autistic, I find it very hard to miss as there are myriads of concepts that I have to deal with at face value every day that do not match my experience and seem arbitrary and absurd and yet have a huge impact on my life, whereas concepts that are meaningful to me are hard to explain to the majority. As an interdisciplinary researcher, I use concepts pragmatically as tools and remain very well aware that the different definitions are basically endless and that the concepts we use have bearing on what we are able to see. So what's the higher level of that? 
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curious, modified 1 Year ago.

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Being autistic, I find it very hard to miss as there are myriads of concepts that I have to deal with at face value every day that do not match my experience and seem arbitrary and absurd and yet have a huge impact on my life .... So what's the higher level of that? 

In the gap between illusion and reality, lies awakening.


I just made that up (or subconsciously plagariased it).  But I think it sounds impressively pompous!  Actually though, this is another great area for study.  The tiny little gap - that bit between your knowledge of something as abitrary and absurd, and your perception of its impact on your life. Disentangle that, and you will have peeled back another big bit of the onion.

But also - set achievable goals and don't beat yourself up too much.  If you are finding it tough now maybe drop back a bit and wait patiently for the cycle to come around again.  I don't mean the nanas, although that might be part of it.  I mean the bigger meta-cycles.  Sometimes, we need a break, to let the body recover and subconscious integrate all the knowlege.  Then when you least expect it - bam!   I'm guessing you know this already from your work.    

M. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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Yeah, it does sound impressively pompous, and it also captures my current frustration very well. Intellectually I know that I erroneously cling to  stuff in it because of fear that I will neglect my child's needs if I stop, and that it really is the other way around, but getting there...

Makes sense. It's hard. Both stepping back and moving forward needs letting go. 
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curious, modified 1 Year ago.

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Well, I would just concentrate on being the person you want to be. You don't have to get there all at once. Choose the values you like, and fill some of the emptiness with your chosen attributes and your loving intention.  Can't really go wrong with that.  Think, do, be.  Then the fear will subside, and skillful means will replace it.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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That's what I'm trying. It's just... there is no right way to deal with this situation, as the risks are huge no matter what I do. How does one balance illegal and risky treatments for a minor outside the health care system versus suicide risks with a kid who either shuts down from just talking about it or threatens to run away from home and do it all by herself? I communicated that I wouldn't be able to do anything more unless she would agree to talk to someone about her feelings and wellbeing. Now she hates me but eventually at least agreed to talk to someone if we can get hold of hormones that are illegal for someone her age in this country. Right now there is some relief in just accepting that there is no right way. There is no way for me to fix this and take all her suffering away. What tends to snap me back into anguish and contraction is the feeling of guilt, maybe some version of survival's guilt, which I imagine is especially tricky for most parents in relation to their kids. I haven't made any final decision about what line of action to take. I'm still exploring possible ways of getting care from some party that knows what they are doing. If it weren't for Brexit, there would have been a way. An expensive and logistically demanding and exhausting way, but at least a way. 

I think I will make some of these posts visible only for me soon. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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There was a 75 minutes long yoga class focusing on the fire element. It was demanding and exhausting, which was good in the sense that there was no energy left for excessive thinking. It might backfire with a histamine reaction, but for now I feel relief and I also feel less paralyzed. 

While relaxing in shavasana at the end of the class, there was that thing with my right hand again. I could feel a muscle drawing the thumb into a gripping and then letting go of it, over and over again, with absolutely no subjective experience of me doing it and at the same time very clearly the subjective experience of it being an intentional action - just not mine. This came with the perspective that "it is what it is", acceptance, and some relief but also grieving. The relief doesn't solve things in the relative world, and they still need to be dealt with, and that can only be done in a very human and imperfect way. There is no way to go beyond that. I need to grieve for the world. At least grief is much more constructive than guilt. I suspect that I will snap back into feeling guilty many many times. I'm thankful for the brief moments of relief. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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1 h 20 min of reclining meditation, or maybe it was just resting. I didn't apply any specific technique, but was just focusing on acceptance and dwelling in the relief of being able to accept and let go for a while. That made my body dissolve into a vibrating field of energy but with a lingering sense of resting heavily against the ground at the same time. Thoughts were still ongoing, but they were constructive. No guilt or shame, but some planning of what I can do to act with responsibility and compassion. I realized that there is no conflict in having compassion both for my kid and for  myself. If I don't take my own limitations into account, I can't be there for her either. If you'll excuse my language, I didn't give a fuck about following the breath. This session was more geared towards loving kindness for my (not) self, and it was much needed. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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I did another 30 minutes of reclining meditation while waiting for a meeting with my kid's father. It started out very vibrational and flowy with loud nada sound. Then there was a brief moment of contraction resulting in that old wobbling sound in my right ear and irritation in my left eye. I tuned into the nada sound as I have learned that doing so tends to dissolve the tension. The nada sound drew the hearing consciousness out of the body, sort of. There was a popping sound as the perspective shifted. It felt as if tactile sensations were turned inside out, switching places between here and there or something like that. At the same time my right hand started gripping beyond my control again. My left shoulder was doing something too, I think. The inside out touch started out most prominent in the hands but spread from the hands to large parts of the body. There was still storytelling going on. There was the thought "I still identify too much with the storytelling". I (?) quickly added "...said a storytelling voice". That made something happen. It felt as if I was stretched out in space, first deepening and then widening. I thought "I'm everywhere". 

Then the doorbell rang.

Thankyou Malcolm! You always have a way of showing me how to let things open up and finding my way back to trust. In fact, it was gratefulness for Malcolm that was the initial meditation object for this session, informally. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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1 h 15 min of lying down to just let go and surrender to whatever would happen. It took a while to get the mind to calm down after the meeting (although it was a great meeting - my kid's father is my best friend) but after a while it did. There was a bit of brightness and lots of nada sound. My right hand started gripping on its own, and then so did my left hand. My left shoulder sort of jumped up and down, but the hand movements were less jerky. Then there were waves of setups for movement going through my whole body, and none of them felt like my doing. It was like somebody else took control of my body, one part at a time, but there was nothing scary or uncomfortable about it. I was amused and interested. It felt both weird and normal at the same time. Somewhere in all this (I have forgotten the exact order) there was a very sudden occurring that felt like some part of the brain was plugged into a power source and a large loudspeaker. There was like a rapid series of poofs and pops and some electric crackling and humming (very very fast and brief) and a brief surge of fear because it was so sudden and unexpected and it sounded as if there would be a loud howling feedback sound any second, and maybe there was an adrenaline rush. I cannot recall whether some of the "remote control" of body stuff occurred after this or if all of it happened before it. I do recall that not long after it, it felt like nothing more would come from this session so I might as well write the report. I think this was a cessation. I have given up on trying to figure out paths. It was just another baby step on a very long journey that I have only started. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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30 minutes reclining, just letting go. Peace and spaciousness. Energetic activity at the back of my head. Right hand and left shoulder were doing things on their own, small but rapid movements.

70 minutes: finally some time to really let go. There was bubbliness, then a period of lucid dreamless sleep, then a period of things sort of moving around and knots dissolving, especially in or behind the face. Then peace. There were a couple of pops in the head, with space inbetween. There was nothing special about those pops so they could be anything. Then muscles started doing things on their own - left hand, right hand, left shoulder, right shoulder, left arm, core, left thigh, both feet. My right thumb is still moving sideways. I can watch it happen. It is as if I were a marionette and someone were pulling the strings, one at a time.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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Another hour. Similar cycling. The puppeteer keeps pulling strings, one at a time. Left index finger, right thumb, left shoulder, left upper arm, ears! My ears were twitching, one at a time. I can't even do that. Also, face muscles, one at a time. 

For a while I tried to let go of conceptualization, tuning into the vibrant quality of sensory experiences. To some small extent I could feel it as massage, almost, regardless of what sense organs were involved, but I put in too much effort and it became counterproductive. Instead of letting go of conceptualizations, I found myself even more occupied with concepts. There are so many, and it happens so fast. Noticing that would be something to practice, but that was not what I was going for this time. Also, the concepts were too sticky, and I got lost in content due to associative chains of discursive thoughts. There is a lot of work to be done at that level, but I think I'll go for the lowhanging fruit first. Maybe I need to tread carefully, one baby step at a time in order not to get overwhelmed. Maybe this is a threshold where I can balance for a while and sort of dip my toes in that chaos once in a while. Maybe it's the fear of being overwhelmed that is holding me back. Well, probably. An ADHD brain can be very overwhelming even in daily life. Maybe I need some water element practice. See, I knew that thread would be helpful, but I could have followed it without writing in it. It's not like I would miss it anyway. I'm too curious for that.

I feel energetic activation coming and going in my scalp even as I'm writing. The cycling keeps going while I'm logging. Now it's time to go to yoga class.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
The puppeteer keeps pulling strings, one at a time.


Maybe this is how Tourette’s manifests when there is no identification with doing the ticking? There is no compulsion in this. It just occurs. That’s a great relief, because ticking is very often the text book examples of dukkha. So much craving for the perfect sensations, so much aversion to the actual sensations.

Okay, so maybe I’m currently deconstructing my tics.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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The theme of being a marionette continues. This time there was a tangible third vipassana jhana stretching the face in different directions and pulling face muscles. It must have looked weird. Fingers were moving, shoulders were shaken, the core was sort of pumping, a foot was moving sideways. Earlier today there were instances of mouth opening itself as the jaw was being pulled.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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Yesterday I was exhausted and barely left my bed. This morning I woke up with vibrations/trembling in the chest area and I felt pretty miserable and energy-less. I took 30 minutes to lay down together with two of my cats to feel into it, surrender and let it do what it needed to do. Kinesthetically it felt like some disentangling was going on, and it cleared up the grey fog a bit and made breathing easier. There was a bit of a crunching sound going on in my head. The trembling was replaced by a sense of stillness and spaciousness. I still felt sad, but it was a less complex feeling, less tainted.

On my way to work I listened to a dharma talk by Michael Taft https://youtu.be/IBoy9UiuJmk while on public transports, about silence and stillness always being there already, and it drew me into third vipassana jhana. It was very recognizable as such but there was less of the tearing me to bits and pieces and more of the smoothing out stuff - less kneading and more rolling out the dough, if that makes any sense. It dawned on me that the rough aspects of meditation doing itself is not that different from the sense of emptiness, spaciousness, peace and agencylessness that sometimes shows up in glimpses and sometimes linger for a while. They are just different aspects of the same process.

While at work before lunch I felt that some disentangling was still ongoing in the face area, opening up more space, and even more so during lunch as I watched an episode of Titans at netflix (that actually happens to me quite often, that somehow I am more aware of some process going on than of the content of the episode, and sometimes it seems to be the fact that I'm relaxing from trying to meditate that opens something up). My right thumb was moving sideways back and forth, my respiratory tract cleared up, and the nada sound broke through the sound from my headphones. Back at my room I did a guided Dzogchen meditation by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche https://youtu.be/1mnIdcde8y8 and this time it made sense. I could feel what he was talking about and that it was not so different from when I intuitively just feel into the process end let things disentangle. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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Meditation has kept on doing itself as soon as I have relaxed the slightest today, and my mood has shifted into trusting calm and peace. It has been back and forth several times during the day, but with a clear tendency of more and more peace. Nothing spectacular, just peace. I sat to meditate before yoga class, and the class was very meditative in itself - a slow flow with some Kundalini yoga mixed into the vinyasa - and that had a big part in it. On my way home frome yoga class I ran into an old friend. We came to talk about some really sensitive stuff. During the conversation I noticed contractions and fierce and chaotic vibrations in the chest area again. It was the kind of friend to whom I can actually talk about stuff like that without it being awkward, so I did. When I described how perspectives sort of shift back and forth for me now, I could feel it happening, and so I tuned into the expansive and peaceful perspective again.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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Before going to bed I sat for 45 minutes. As meditation object I focused on the "direction" from where the nada sound comes. Not specific frequencies of the sound, but the sound of silence as a whole. I have found that it opens up something more spacious and very peaceful.

There was still some going back and forth between perspectives. In the more contractive mode, vibrations were most prominent in the area of the uteris, but they also stood out in the throat, the upper arms, and sometimes in the entire torso. 

Note to (not) self: When meditating together with cats, suddenly shouting out a syllable is not a good idea. Jeeze, there were flying cats all over the place. 
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Lars, modified 1 Year ago.

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

Note to (not) self: When meditating together with cats, suddenly shouting out a syllable is not a good idea. Jeeze, there were flying cats all over the place. 

Katz!

Sorry, couldn't resist.   emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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Lars:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

Note to (not) self: When meditating together with cats, suddenly shouting out a syllable is not a good idea. Jeeze, there were flying cats all over the place. 

Katz!

Sorry, couldn't resist.   emoticon

Luckily my cats haven't shown much interest in reading. emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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Before going to work I sat for 45 minutes. As meditation object (or possibly non-object) I used the space or presence that silence comes from. That leads to that special feeling that always felt so familiar and simple and natural and yet was so hard to place. Discursive thoughts appeared and reappered, but shifting focus back to that space makes discursive thoughts come to rest. There was quite a lot of attention to posture, though, as I’m trying to cultivate a good posture for sitting practice that doesn’t give rise to inflammatory pain in this sensitive body.

That special feeling lingers. It probably has a fancy name. I’m not sure that ”feeling” is an accurate word for it. I don’t mean it as an emotion. It is more like... a recognition?

I keep checking in with that space/presence that silence comes from, regularly. It keeps uncovering that special familiar unplaceable feeling. I have a sense that it is always there, underneath, whenever and wherever there is consciousness. It may even be the recognition of consciousness. Consciousness recognizing itself. Checking in with it tends to open up the respiratory tract and make breathing much easier. Sometimes there is a crunching noice and kinesthetic feeling, perhaps in the paranasal cavities, perhaps somewhere else inside the head. Sometimes it is more like a very gentle pop.

After lunch I got some light and fresh air on a terrass that has a view over the entire town. I played with my old fear of heights a bit, shifting perspectives back and forth. Tuning into that space/presence took away the fear but it was very easy to trigger it again. Gosh, the contraction of the mind feels very physical. It was painful. Does everybody contract like that in their entire body or is it just me somatizing? Then I did a mini-sitting in my office chair, 10 minutes, with the same focus (or non-focus). I’m loving this.

In the afternoon I did another 10 minutes mini-sitting. It coincided with a very loud, engaged and enthusiastic project meeting in the room next to me, and the walls are very thin, so it was difficult to avoid grabbing the hearing of their conversation. Still, the same feeling was there whenever I managed to shift focus back to the space/presence from where silence arises.

Later in the afternoon I took a stroll by the small river that passes my working place. As I stopped for a while I noticed that when I focused on the space that silence comes from, I could no longer see what forms were far from me and which ones were close to me. It was all equally near. That wasn’t something that lasted, but I could repeat it.

Evening: 75 minutes of Hatha yoga. 

Still checking in. It still works.

This day has had very little suffering in it. For me, that is a miracle.

I’ll probably meditate some more before going to bed.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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Evening session: I sat for 40 minutes in half lotus, tuning into from where the silence comes. It is getting easier. It is very restful and yet not boring. I can just rest into it and get invigorated. It doesn't require much from my executive functioning. In fact, it is less demanding than almost everything in my daily life. At least for now it makes me feel like I'm born anew, innocent or forgiven, and open to see the world with fresh eyes and embrace it. 

Hey, am I the only one who regularly has serious trouble getting a touch pad to respond to my fingers directly after a meditation session? My hands are warm so it can't be poor blood circulation. Large parts of my body did dissolve during the session, but I thought that was just a subjective experience. emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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Meh, if things continue like this, it seems like I'm going to develop spiritually induced alien hand syndrome. It happens to both hands but mostly the right one. I'm not worried though. I have already had spiritually induced exploding head syndrome, and that passed. At least this one is a pretty cool party trick. The explosions were only apparent to me. 

Maybe it's symbolic - some of the grabbing bubbling up to the surface and eventually dissipating as things get disentangled. I did say that I'd focus on letting go. The universe usually listens - or maybe it's the other way around: conditions pushed towards the process of letting go, and as part of that, the chain of thoughts about deciding to work on letting go happened, and at about the same time, impulses of grabbing started to get disentangled and thus show up as physical manifestations. Bah, now I'm intellectualizing. 

---

I have started to listen to teachings by Lama Lena. I'm not qualified to tell to what extent she knows her stuff, but I'm loving it, and that sure makes learning easier. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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I have often said that the process knows the way. That may be true on some plane, but it is also so misleading. The creating impulse inherent to all life, to all existence, doesn't know anything, and that's the beauty of it. It is born anew every moment. It is totally innocent, totally fearless, totally accepting and totally free. One might think that ideas about an allmighty and allknowing god with the responsibilities that come with them are an unreasonable burden for a newborn, but even that is missing the point. There is nothing there to know. Everything is new at any given moment, and then it vanishes. There can be no guilt, ultimately. We are all innocent. We are all newborns. There are no chains. There really is no spoon. 

One hour of reclining meditation in the afternoon and one hour of sitting meditation in the evening, and yoga inbetween (one 75 minutes class).

Saying that I focus on the space that silence comes from is misleading. Focusing doesn't work. Just falling into it works. Freefalling. I basically just fall and miss the ground, and there it is. 

The afternoon session was Michael Taft's latest guided meditation. There's a funny story to that, but you might not want to read it if you are planning to do the guided meditation and haven't yet heard it, so here is a spoiler alert.

...
...
... 
... 
...

Funny enough, in this guided meditation, Michael shouts out that same seed syllable that I tried to shout out the other day, the one that scared my cats so much that they flew up like rockets. I don't know how to spell it so I won't write it. Anyway, I got a new chance to look at what it did to all of the ongoing constructions. It really did shatter them for a brief moment in time. 

...
...
...

End of spoiler.

...


In that session I also had some other jumpstarts that came seemingly from nowhere. I guess that they might be old feelings that have been entangled with stuff for quite some time and that they are now being released. 

The evening session was full of love and relief and gratefulness and dedication, and I really felt love and compassion for all sentient beings. So strongly that I cried a bit. Happy tears. And I smiled to my ears. I may even have laughed a bit. It probably looked utterly silly. And sounded... I may have adressed all sentient beings that might be around even if I don't perceive them and said something along the line that I love them all and that they should all know that they are loved, and then done metta on them. I may have offered my life to the Buddha and to the Lord of Compassion. For a while it felt like my hair was standing up at the top of my head or something. There was intense piti throughout my body, many times. There was complete stillness, and there were swirling movements that somehow felt like complete stillness. I remember thinking that I didn't need anything. 

I know. This practically screams A&P. 
Bill T, modified 1 Year ago.

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How exciting, Linda! I look forward to hearing how it shapes up emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

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Thanks!

Well, as expected, I woke up in dissolution, with a bit of brain fog. I also had inflammatory pain in tendons throughout the body, especially shoulder joints and ribs. I have suspected for a while that histamines are involved in strong Kundalini releases, and I'm histamine intolerant, so... Well, that passes. Something weird happened, or maybe it isn't that weird: I was just watching netflix when suddenly it felt like my entire mouth and the area around it dissolved into an energy field. It started with the mouth and then spread outwards. I lay down for a while, and my body was vibrating. This was in the early afternoon. I decided to do a proper sitting. I sat for an hour, practicing a beginner's version of Dzogchen. As there was still some lingering brain fog, the connection felt a bit off. It was still there but not quite as accessible. It felt like there were energy blockages due to inflammation. I straightened my spine as much as I could, but there were muscle threads that were too tense and that was asymmetrical. I alternated between practicing with eyes closed and eyes open as I find it easier to relax the gaze with my eyes closed but maybe that's cheating.

Late afternoon/early evening: 45 minutes reclining practice of letting go, mainly in shavasana. Allowing stuff to untangle. There were some adrenaline surges. There were also brief moments of exquisite presence, with everything feeling brand new. My left shoulder shook itself while vibrating, and that took away some of the pain. I fell asleep but stayed lucid while snoring. It was peaceful.

Evening: qigong massage of body and face. Then another hour of sitting, beginner's version of Dzogchen. Now it was more accessible. It was definitely not as blissful as yesterday but I don't think I need it to be. It's fine just as it is - sort of a chrystal clear confusion.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 6

Posts: 5293 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Oh no! Now there's a bug in this thread. A post disappeared while trying to post it and so I wrote a new one. Then it turned out that the former post had been posted after all, so I deleted the second one and then edited the first one to incorporate some of the new phrasings. Then the post disappeared from recent posts. I'm hoping that it will appear again when I post this. 

Edit: Oh, good. It seem to have worked. 

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