Hello Brandon,
maybe you will find something useful in this thread:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/view_message/19521371#_19_message_19521371I'm interested in how others have responded to periods where practice has been difficult, and how you have maintained a commitment.
Mostly when such periods occur, I'm overlooking something. Pretending to "medidate the same way" as if nothing has changed. Ignoring the fact, that indeed something has changed. Ignoring the hindrances that arose in the background while still trying to meditate the same way like before. For me it often takes some time to become aware of the desire for things not to change, even if they did already. Then I sometimes try to hold on to them by getting back to my old tendencies: trying hard(er). This always leads to more frustration and aversion. If not already before, but at least then the reason of suffering becomes more obvious, but I'm still confused about what to do (
and maybe this is the point, where you may be at the moment?), till I come to the point where I'm realizing, there is nothing I can do, because there is no I, no control. And then the drama, the aversion, etc. goes away by itself. Why? Because of the "accepting" or the clear seeing of the three characteristics.
The last weeks I've been in an quite stable state of equanimity, which was enjoyable at first, but after a while boredom (subtle thinking about not much going on, subtle disliking that the mind has nothing to do, not accepting the nothingness, desire for action) set in and brought me back to a state of aversion to the practice, more boredom, which lead to distracting myself by playing computer games for a while, not meditating regularly formally - only 2-3 times a week). The point here is: not seeing the characteristics clear brings up hindrances (aversion to a boredom-state), which lead me to even more distractions and reactivated old patterns how to (not)deal with them. This brought up even more suffering. But I guess sometimes, at least for me it is necessary to get back in old patterns (like letting go of the regular practice, or distract myself by old habits) to see them more clearly and to experience that they are all not helpful in the end.
I don't know if forcing yourself into practice is helping you at this point right now. Maybe you give it a try and do it the other way round. Maybe you first have to let go a little bit and have trust that the practice will find you (Otherwise it may be doubt and personal identification about loosing "your" regularity of practice, which only lead to only more suffering).