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Lars' Practise Log 2

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Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 2/26/20 3:56 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 2/26/20 3:49 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 2/26/20 3:15 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 2/26/20 8:57 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 2/28/20 9:53 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/28/20 1:39 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/2/20 11:47 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/5/20 8:49 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/7/20 2:29 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 9:42 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/8/20 5:08 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 5:14 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/8/20 5:25 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 5:27 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/11/20 9:50 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/13/20 12:38 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 curious 3/13/20 2:20 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/13/20 7:51 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/14/20 12:13 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 curious 3/14/20 12:23 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/14/20 12:30 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 curious 3/14/20 12:35 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/14/20 5:39 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/16/20 1:00 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/19/20 9:12 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/23/20 9:32 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/25/20 1:54 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 curious 3/25/20 4:11 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/25/20 2:37 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Chris Marti 3/26/20 6:42 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/26/20 7:57 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/26/20 5:17 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/26/20 11:43 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/28/20 2:55 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 curious 3/28/20 2:59 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/30/20 11:35 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 9:47 AM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Lars 3/8/20 5:21 PM
RE: Lars' Practise Log 2 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 5:25 PM
Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
2/26/20 3:56 AM
As requested, starting a new log as the old one was getting a little long, and hard to read on some browsers.

Previous log here: Log 1

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
2/26/20 3:49 AM as a reply to Lars.
Went for dinner with a friend and on the walk there the headlights of cars were sparkling and glowing in a similar way to how they looked on the retreat. When I got home I sat for a while, but the kasina was fairly muted like it was in the subtle phase of the retreat (including the same confusion and thinking it should be something else). Possibly just from going out and being social for a few hours, and not meditating earlier today, more probably because that's just what it is. Even though the kasina is muted with eyes closed, i'm seeing it more with eyes open. Sitting a second time it was similar, but then at one point the black eye appeared more vividly and while it pulsed there was a lighthouse with a golden beam coming out of it and rotating in 3D inside the kasina. I started to get a little restless and the thought "I can stop now, had an interesting experience" arose lol. The greed for novel experiences continues. Also feeling a little expectation, which is usually pretty counterproductive. I'm going to just do some more samatha style 7th and let the wheels wind down a little.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
2/26/20 3:15 PM as a reply to Lars.
Sat last night and noticed I could see my arms and hands through closed eyelids again, usually after meditating for a bit, opening my eyes for a moment and then closing them again, like the arms became kasina objects from that brief glimpse. During the pulsing eye phase it became very vivid and detailed again, and I noticed the kasina was reacting to emotion and thoughts etc. I played around with moving my fingers, and it reacted to that. Then I tried a very intense mental "kiai!" style shout. That was a bad idea lol, immediately I felt a pain in my head and I got a mild headache. Doing the shout mentally felt like using an airhorn in an enclosed space (which seems to suggest i'm still inferring a boundary between inside and outside).

I also played around with space for a while, which I haven't really done since I learned how to get into 5th. Found a new trick for expanding it. It looked like there was a vague horizon off in the distance and space wasn't fully wide, and I saw one of those folded maps you buy at a gas station lying on an angle in front of me, like it was on a table. It unfolded right, then left, then forward, then back to right etc. As it kept unfolding the space expanded in the unfolding direction until it was like the map was a very wide and deep flat plane in space, and then the map disappeared and there was just that wide open space.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
2/26/20 8:57 PM as a reply to Lars.
Saw my arms through closed eyelids again, but this time I hadn't opened my eyes briefly before it happened. I wondered if it was some sort of subtle body thing. Also saw more of the "worlds", and again instead of one of them there were many, but not as much as the other night and no tree. However they seemed to be connected by something, like a chunk of swiss cheese with a little world in each hole. Not as much detail as before, and it was all within the kasina instead of full visual field. At one point during the black pulsing eye phase the black dot in the center turned vivid gold for a few seconds and then went back to black. The murk also went more brightly white than usual, like I was falling back into 6th or some other mix of jhanas. I tend to worry less about which one i'm in lately and just be present with whatever is happening.

The headache from the shout last night seemed to come back for a bit, felt like a tight pinching right in the center of the brain. It had an interesting effect though, when I was doing metta today I noticed that I was moving my lips and tongue subtly while reciting mentally. Once I noticed that it decreased significantly and the recitation felt much more clear mentally, like the physical aspect had been taking away from the mental clarity. It felt like I was overly sensitive, like someone with a hangover who cringes at loud noises.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
2/28/20 9:53 AM as a reply to Lars.
Yesterday I felt aversion to practise, I just wanted to relax and distract myself. It reminded me of my cat when I was a kid. Every year we'd go on a trip up to our cabin in the forest, and we'd put the cat in a travel cage in the back of the truck for the trip. An hour before we left, the cat would always know, and would hide from us because he feared the cage and the journey up to the forest. Once he got up to the forest, he was happier than in the city, but he always hid. Some part of me is digging its heels in. I know it will resolve itself like always, but it's funny how often this happens.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
2/28/20 1:39 PM as a reply to Lars.
That thing with seeing through closed eyelids happened to me once, but for me it looked like it was filmed through the type of camera that sees temperature and marks it with different colors. Before I started my daily practice, and in the beginning of it, I couldn't even imagine seeing a hand when I closed my eyes. Vision just wasn't accessible at all. It is so cool how things change. I must admit I'm quite envious of your many visual experiences. I should probably take up fire kasina practice. Earth kasina doesn't change the visual processing that quickly. It helps with the yoga, though. I have become much more stable, physically. 

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/2/20 11:47 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
The main reason i'm fascinated with kasina practise is how quickly it can build concentration due to the visual feedback. It's like driving a car with a speedometer and gear shift indicator versus a car with no instrumentation. The visual stuff is very cool, but it can also be distracting since the mind is trying to assign meaning to everything *cough* past lives *cough* instead of just being present with whatever is happening. You've described a lot of visual stuff in your log, it might be worth trying to see if it's a practise that would be useful for you. I was very surprised when it unfolded the way it did, like you said it's cool how things change (often in ways you didn't expect).

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/5/20 8:49 PM as a reply to Lars.
No eye injection today, they're delaying it for 6 weeks since eye pressure is fairly low. I'm going to ease into another retreat anyhow, starting by increasing practise time over the next few days/weeks. The last few days have been a couple daily sits with some random mini-sits thrown in (I often close my eyes and just see where the kasina goes). There's been some more of the "worlds" stuff, and things seem to be progressing in more of a fully 3D direction. Also one particular 3 hour sit (I meant to have a nap and it turned into something else) where I felt odd afterwards, the afterglow was very light and dreamy. It felt like I was close to a fruition, it may have been a dip into 8th, not sure. Some part of me continues to resist, but it seems like the intensity is steadily winding down.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
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3/7/20 2:29 AM as a reply to Lars.
Woke up today with a fever and a headache, and then spent some time worshipping the ivory god. Combined with a very intense family member contacting me and dumping some drama in my lap, I was feeling frustrated (more than i've felt in quite a while). It felt a bit like the fountain of mud phase i've gone through a few times. I sat for a while and the frustration kept building, shrinking, and then building again so I eventually looked at it instead of the kasina. I asked mentally "what is there to be frustrated about?". Abruptly the frustration was gone. Just silent clarity (reminds me of Shargrol's "still point" comment in another thread). Then after a while there was a subtle feeling of pushing/pulling, then it felt like a subtle "reaching out" and a thought was grabbed, and then that thought became fuel for the frustration to grow again. Then i'd notice the stress of that growing, the thought was dropped, and the silent clarity returned. Repeated the question, then silence, and another subtle pushing/pulling, etc. What as interesting about it was the "grabbing" seemed very volitional at the practical level. It was odd, like watching mind intentionally choosing fuel to add to the fire of frustration, even as it was annoyed by that frustration. I've seen this before with misery, but it was clearer somehow, the "grabbing" stage in particular.

No longer sits today, I mostly just tried to get some sleep. Seems to have helped, feeling better after a few hours of rest.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/8/20 9:42 AM as a reply to Lars.
It's great that you managed to let go of that grabbing and frustration. It's amazing when that happens. I don't always find it so easy. Way to go!

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/8/20 9:47 AM as a reply to Lars.
Lars:
The main reason i'm fascinated with kasina practise is how quickly it can build concentration due to the visual feedback. It's like driving a car with a speedometer and gear shift indicator versus a car with no instrumentation. The visual stuff is very cool, but it can also be distracting since the mind is trying to assign meaning to everything *cough* past lives *cough* instead of just being present with whatever is happening. You've described a lot of visual stuff in your log, it might be worth trying to see if it's a practise that would be useful for you. I was very surprised when it unfolded the way it did, like you said it's cool how things change (often in ways you didn't expect).

Interesting. And wise.

For me visuals tend to come as a total surprise, as if somebody switched on a channel I cannot usually access. It's tempting to take up a serious fire kasina practice to see if that would allow more access, but I already try to squeeze in too many approaches. Also, it may be silly, but I'm a bit worried that it would increase my energetic pain and weird inflammatory reactions to basically most foods and medicines, as the reactions involve heat. 

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/8/20 5:08 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
It's great that you managed to let go of that grabbing and frustration. It's amazing when that happens.

I listened to a talk with Kenneth Folk the other day involving "CONR", which suggests that suffering can only exist if there is Consciousness, Ownership, Negative valence, and Reality. In other words we suffer if there is consciousness, a feeling of ownership of the sensations causing stress, an interpretation of those sensations as being bad, and a sense that it's a "real" thing that can hurt us. If any of those drop away, so does the suffering. When I felt that frustration, it was mostly frustration at being frustrated (negative valence and to some degree the others). The initial events which caused frustration were over and done with pretty quickly, but that frustration at being frustrated remained for a while and kept perpetuating itself. Even though I was able to identify it and let it go, it's making me wonder. Frustration happens. Anger happens. The idea that those things are bad and shouldn't happen and must be fixed is what seems to cause the perpetuation of that suffering. It's like seeing a spark, freaking out and trying to get rid of it by throwing gasoline on it, causing a fire. If we just let it be, it tends to just flare up for a moment, and then its gone with nothing to perpetuate it.

It seems similar to the "I must remove the self" thing, that just perpetuates selfing and associated suffering. Maybe "I must remove suffering" isn't so different. More likely i'm overthinking this, i've been napping more than sitting the last couple days.   emoticon

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/8/20 5:14 PM as a reply to Lars.
Right. It's like when I seemed to be developing a panic disorder but just stopped because I realized that I was having panic about getting a panic attack. That's just utterly counterproductive, so I refused. 

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/8/20 5:21 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

it may be silly, but I'm a bit worried that it would increase my energetic pain and weird inflammatory reactions to basically most foods and medicines, as the reactions involve heat. 

I had some energetic/kundalini stuff a year or two ago, and doing fire kasina hasn't caused it to come back. As well, despite the practise being fire kasina I haven't really had issues with heat with the exception of one short period during the last retreat where i'd wake up with my pillow soaked in sweat. I have significant inflammatory issues as well, and they don't seem to have been made worse by it. But of course, follow your own instincts, whatever practise feels right for you.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/8/20 5:25 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Right. It's like when I seemed to be developing a panic disorder but just stopped because I realized that I was having panic about getting a panic attack. That's just utterly counterproductive, so I refused. 

When I was a kid I started developing OCD, I would repeat obsessive rituals over and over again because "if I don't something bad will happen". Eventually I realized the obsession was stressing me out, so I deliberately went a day without repeating the rituals. Nothing bad happened. Dropped that crap right there and it never came back lol. Funny how even though I went through that I still eventually developed other more subtle "rituals against bad things".

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
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3/8/20 5:25 PM as a reply to Lars.
That's good to know. I appreciate it. But sorry to hear that you have inflammatory issues as well, of course. 

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
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3/8/20 5:27 PM as a reply to Lars.
Lars:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Right. It's like when I seemed to be developing a panic disorder but just stopped because I realized that I was having panic about getting a panic attack. That's just utterly counterproductive, so I refused. 

When I was a kid I started developing OCD, I would repeat obsessive rituals over and over again because "if I don't something bad will happen". Eventually I realized the obsession was stressing me out, so I deliberately went a day without repeating the rituals. Nothing bad happened. Dropped that crap right there and it never came back lol. Funny how even though I went through that I still eventually developed other more subtle "rituals against bad things".

Me too!

I think issues like that can often be a way into the practice, because chains of suffering are so obvious that you just can't miss them.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/11/20 9:50 PM as a reply to Lars.
Practise is more of the same last few days. Realized i'd fallen back into doing and striving somewhat, but it's funny because i'm not even sure what i'm striving for. Going back to the simple method of just attending to whatever presents itself.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/13/20 12:38 PM as a reply to Lars.
I mentioned before that there seemed like some resistance to moving forward with practise. I'm no longer sure if it's resistance, boredom or both. I seem to have become bored at some level with the jhanas and kasina stuff (though it still presents itself whether I want it or not). That intense interest and curiosity I had during the retreat seems largely gone. There was a flash of interest in the "worlds" stuff, but grasping after that just caused stress so that dropped pretty quick. The boredom is causing me to seek interesting experiences in the ways I used to, like video games, shows, music, reading etc. However those don't really satisfy either, so there's this blah feeling that's pervasive lately. Amusingly i'm fairly cool with that blahness. It feels like there are two teams, team samsara and team nibbana, and I don't have a strong drive to be on either team (a coin/faces analogy might be more accurate). Becoming disenchanted with "stuff" isn't such a bad thing, but this feels like it's straying more towards DP/DR than genuine equanimity and a lack of clinging.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/13/20 2:20 PM as a reply to Lars.
Lars:
I mentioned before that there seemed like some resistance to moving forward with practise. I'm no longer sure if it's resistance, boredom or both. I seem to have become bored at some level with the jhanas and kasina stuff (though it still presents itself whether I want it or not). That intense interest and curiosity I had during the retreat seems largely gone. There was a flash of interest in the "worlds" stuff, but grasping after that just caused stress so that dropped pretty quick. The boredom is causing me to seek interesting experiences in the ways I used to, like video games, shows, music, reading etc. However those don't really satisfy either, so there's this blah feeling that's pervasive lately. Amusingly i'm fairly cool with that blahness. It feels like there are two teams, team samsara and team nibbana, and I don't have a strong drive to be on either team (a coin/faces analogy might be more accurate). Becoming disenchanted with "stuff" isn't such a bad thing, but this feels like it's straying more towards DP/DR than genuine equanimity and a lack of clinging.

So, one thing to do might be this ... you know how to pay attention to the kasina object. You could try paying attention to the physical world, or the emotional world, in the same way.  You wouldn't need to do this all the time with with strong absoprtion.  Instead, you could just do it occasionally throughout the day, as you think of it. Two or three times a days, for a few minutes each.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/13/20 7:51 PM as a reply to curious.
curious:

So, one thing to do might be this ... you know how to pay attention to the kasina object. You could try paying attention to the physical world, or the emotional world, in the same way.  You wouldn't need to do this all the time with with strong absoprtion.  Instead, you could just do it occasionally throughout the day, as you think of it. Two or three times a days, for a few minutes each.

I tried this while standing in the kitchen today. As I stood looking out the window I noticed the trees, then the space around the trees and the birds in the sky. Then I let the visual field defocus and noticed it began to shift and change and strobe etc. Then sounds entered the mix, and I noticed physical sensations, and thoughts, and it all started merging into that flow state i've described previously as THIS (as have others). Then the intensity increased and my head twisted to the left and *blip*. I really wasn't expecting that, it was a nice release, like a fart I wasn't even aware I was holding in.

I doubt this is what you intended from the suggestion somehow, but it did wake me up to something i'm a little amazed I missed. The kasina stuff taught me how to pay attention in a relaxed way that I couldn't previously, but after the retreat I kept applying it to just the kasina. I now realize that skill can be applied to any sensation, I don't need to keep focusing on the same thing. That, and the fact that there's a more panoramic view available in addition to the super close microscope view that used to work so well. It's funny, I recognized that when going on walks and admiring the beauty, but didn't take it with me back to the cushion. Thanks for the reminder!

If there was some other lesson in your suggestion, i'll probably stumble upon it eventually.  emoticon

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/14/20 12:13 AM as a reply to Lars.
Played with this a little more and i'm getting energetic sensations in the body. Watched the kasina like usual for a while. The kasina was very bright and detailed compared to yesterday and had sparks of color in it during the A&P phase. Then I opened up to the other senses and as that expanded I started feeling energy flowing in the body, reminds me of the kundalini opening from a couple years ago. There was excitement and confusion, but it also felt intense in a slightly uncomfortable way (i'm still feeling it now). I remember feeling a little overwhelmed by the intensity after the retreat, part of the resistance i've been feeling may have been a desire to dampen that intensity. In any case this seems to be a new way to play with the levers and gears.

It's funny that apparently I still need a carrot dangling in front of me, but it is what it is. I've seen that clinging leads to becoming and stress, still clinging (though maybe not to the same degree). Learned that expectations rarely line up with what's actually happening, still have expectations (and cling to them lol). Learned that novel experiences are just another thing to cling to, still reacting to novel experiences like a kid getting a toy at Christmas.  emoticon

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/14/20 12:23 AM as a reply to Lars.
Lars:
curious:

So, one thing to do might be this ... you know how to pay attention to the kasina object. You could try paying attention to the physical world, or the emotional world, in the same way.  You wouldn't need to do this all the time with with strong absoprtion.  Instead, you could just do it occasionally throughout the day, as you think of it. Two or three times a days, for a few minutes each.

I tried this while standing in the kitchen today. As I stood looking out the window I noticed the trees, then the space around the trees and the birds in the sky. Then I let the visual field defocus and noticed it began to shift and change and strobe etc. Then sounds entered the mix, and I noticed physical sensations, and thoughts, and it all started merging into that flow state i've described previously as THIS (as have others). Then the intensity increased and my head twisted to the left and *blip*. I really wasn't expecting that, it was a nice release, like a fart I wasn't even aware I was holding in.

I doubt this is what you intended from the suggestion somehow, but it did wake me up to something i'm a little amazed I missed. The kasina stuff taught me how to pay attention in a relaxed way that I couldn't previously, but after the retreat I kept applying it to just the kasina. I now realize that skill can be applied to any sensation, I don't need to keep focusing on the same thing. That, and the fact that there's a more panoramic view available in addition to the super close microscope view that used to work so well. It's funny, I recognized that when going on walks and admiring the beauty, but didn't take it with me back to the cushion. Thanks for the reminder!

If there was some other lesson in your suggestion, i'll probably stumble upon it eventually.  emoticon

No that is exactly what I intended.  Unexpectedly quick progress but otherwise exactly as intended.  Except for the fart analogy.  I hadn't intended that.

You can do it in all the sense doors.  All six.  But no rush.  Explore what's happening, and when you get bored, apply it to a new sense door or a frame of reference (body, emotion, mind, dharmas.)

Well done and keep going!

Malcolm

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/14/20 12:30 AM as a reply to curious.
curious:

No that is exactly what I intended.  Unexpectedly quick progress but otherwise exactly as intended.  Except for the fart analogy.  I hadn't intended that.


If a certain well respected meditation teacher can describe enlightenment as similar to taking a really satisfying dump, I can describe a fruition as being like an unexpected fart.   emoticon

Thanks again for the nudge.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/14/20 12:35 AM as a reply to Lars.
Lars:
curious:

No that is exactly what I intended.  Unexpectedly quick progress but otherwise exactly as intended.  Except for the fart analogy.  I hadn't intended that.


If a certain well respected meditation teacher can describe enlightenment as similar to taking a really satisfying dump, I can describe a fruition as being like an unexpected fart.   emoticon

Thanks again for the nudge.

Hard to argue with your logic - certainly a new approach to emptiness.  From the eschatological to the scatological.

But happy to be of service.  A minimal contribution compared to all your hard work.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/14/20 5:39 PM as a reply to Lars.
Went to bed last night and couldn't really sleep, while laying there the kasina became incredibly detailed and there was little distinction between kasina and murk, it was just a wide visual field of various objects and scenes. The black/white pulsing disc stage looked different than usual, more fully 3D and vivid color and detail (the whiteness turned blood red and translucent for a while). Instead of pulsing, at one point the black disc turned into a crescent and moved up and down for a while before going back to a black pulsing disc. Then there were creatures, geometry, translucent clouds and flames, environments, people etc. Eventually it looked like I was deep in space looking at a visual field of stars in vivid HD. Then the stars began rotating around the center of the field, and it was amazing how the detail remained high even as it rotated, and then it began to ripple. It was like the stars were projected on an invisible liquid that was rippling. Eventually the rippling decreased and what looked like creases and holes in that space were forming, and the stars were pulled into them, like a black hole. The texture of that starfield stretched as it got pulled in. It's funny that the day after I said i'd gotten bored with the kasina it comes roaring back again with some new tricks. However when meditating this morning it's incredibly muted and shy. I suspect the intensity last night was a strong A&P and i'm back in dissolution again. Or something.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/16/20 1:00 AM as a reply to Lars.
Had some neck and head pain for the last day or so, but it's bearable, no idea if it's a nana or energetic thing (or just a headache). The kasina is still relatively muted so I played with the flow state again a couple of times. Sitting is actually more difficult, for some reason just standing with eyes open and relaxing my eyes starts that syncing much more easily. It didn't lead to fruition but there was a nice flowing energy through the body and relaxed clarity. If it's sunny the next few days i'll probably try it outside, I sometimes just fall into it while going on walks.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
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3/19/20 9:12 PM as a reply to Lars.
The last few days i've continued to experiment with the flow state. Mind seems more quiet after this, though there are still some small storms of emotion, reaction and sensual desire of various forms. It's getting easier to sink into on the cushion, focusing on visual stuff and space works well with eyes open, focusing on bodily sensations seems to work best when sitting. There's a consistent flowing energy as the state deepens which usually lasts for a while after sitting. Thankfully it's more flowing and smooth instead of the more jolting zappy stuff I experienced earlier in practise. It's interesting though, I still prefer stillness to bliss.

All that said, i'll admit it's a little tough not being somewhat lazy right now, I feel very relaxed and just sitting around doing normal stuff feels fine.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
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3/23/20 9:32 PM as a reply to Lars.
It took three sits before the kasina began to organize and develop today, not really surprising after being lazy for a bit. Once it got going it began to develop fairly quickly. As usual, corpse pose allowed me to get deeper into it versus sitting in a chair.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
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3/25/20 1:54 AM as a reply to Lars.
Sitting tonight the kasina was still somewhat subtle, but continuing to become more cohesive. There was a surprising amount of color, and lots of sparks in the early swirly DN phase. The kasina also strobed quickly in addition to the swirling. Then it was almost invisible after vj4 and then became more obvious as it pulsed in the transition between vj6>vj7. Sat in vj7 for a while but very subtle visual forms kept coming back like it was going back to 6th (or I was just distracted). Similar to the intense sit on the 14th, the murk is more integrated than usual.

I'm also getting the text and other visuals upon waking again. This morning the text started off fuzzy and then the resolution of the text kept increasing in pulses until I could read it. Whatever it said wasn't obviously meaningful or memorable. There's a short window where i'm aware of it and able to read it, but not so awake that it starts to fade away.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
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3/25/20 4:11 AM as a reply to Lars.
Im pretty sure the text says "Luke, I am your father."

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
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3/25/20 2:37 PM as a reply to curious.
curious:
Im pretty sure the text says "Luke, I am your father."

Lol, I do find it a little odd that the text presents so often, though it generally seems to be random words. It's like being woken up by a phone call every morning and someone states very intensely "The arm is taco umbrella!" and then hangs up. Yeah, thanks.... i'll keep that in mind.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
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3/26/20 6:42 AM as a reply to Lars.
This is familiar stuff to me. My (similar) visions were usually playing cards, and they would flash by very fast with images of my life on them. I also had auditory stuff, which was usually a familiar voice.

Ah, the memories.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
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3/26/20 7:57 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
I have had the experience of a voice saying some nonsense in my ear, and I have had visions of symbolic tarot cards, with or without text. Many cards, showing up one after the other. Beautiful cards. I wouldn't have minded having art prints of them framed on my wall.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/26/20 5:17 PM as a reply to Lars.
I heard voices during the previous retreat (though they were in a language I didn't understand). Nothing like that lately, and instead of cards I occasionally see what look like ancient scrolls with images or text on them. No text this morning, though as usual the murk was filled with "pixels" of color and sparks as I awoke. I wonder if the text is organizing out of those sparks, like the image recognition part of the brain is kicking in as I awaken.

Last night was a little weird, the kasina usually looks like a flat image in the center of the visual field (until it goes 3D eventually). For the last few days it's been more 3D right from the beginning, and often it looks like it's at an angle instead of facing me. Last night it looked like the flat image kasina was made of paper and got crumpled up into a ball. I could see the detail in it and the flickering etc, but it was twisted and scrunched up in space. Hard to describe.

There was also another "fountain of mud" period during the afternoon and evening yesterday. When I was a kid I was abused repeatedly in a number of ways, but i'd managed to let go of most of that stuff a few years ago (meditation practise helped immensely). I was actually surprised by the degree of freedom from the rumination, anger and self loathing that i'd felt for decades previously. Last night it was like it all came flooding back. Anger, resentment, judgement, contraction, the desire to distract myself from it with mundane stuff etc. Then eventually it passed and I feel pretty normal this morning. Even during the worst of it there was a sense of distance from the storm, like I wasn't fully embedded in that anger and frustration, but it was still surprisingly strong. Previously i've sat in the middle of that storm and soaked it in, last night it was more like watching it from a slight distance while occasionally being drawn in by clinging to a particular memory for a moment.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/26/20 11:43 PM as a reply to Lars.
A little bit ago I described watching the process of frustration building, and seeing what I described as reaching out (craving) and grabbing (clinging). I didn't use the usual terms because my knowledge of dependent origination is somewhat weak and I didn't want to use them incorrectly. However there's been a nagging feeling that there's something there that I missed. During the retreat I saw how clinging leads to becoming, but when I observed frustration I noticed how the craving leads to the clinging. If the chain is cut off at craving clinging doesn't even arise.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/28/20 2:55 PM as a reply to Lars.
Spent yesterday watching the process of feeling>craving>clinging over and over again. When mindfulness was strong clinging was rare and even craving happened less often. When distracted, craving arose easily and quickly led to clinging and becoming. It was interesting seeing the effects on mind and body during either scenario.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/28/20 2:59 PM as a reply to Lars.
Yeah, mindfulness seems to really calm down the DO process.  It's like taking the foot off the gas.

RE: Lars' Practise Log 2
Answer
3/30/20 11:35 AM as a reply to Lars.
Continuing to watch the DO process while doing the usual stuff. Yesterday I was fairly distracted by mundane stuff, didn't do much formal practise until the evening. Did the jhanic arc up to 7th, and possibly dipped into 8th for a moment since the sit turned out longer than i'd expected. Lots of imagery at one point, it was like the "worlds" were showing up again, but they were tiny and off in the distance. During the pulsing white/black phase there was a lot of detail. I noted gone for a while and then switched to do nothing meditation until the end of the sit.