A ride again? What to do now?

Jonas, modified 3 Years ago at 3/7/20 3:52 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 3/7/20 3:52 PM

A ride again? What to do now?

Posts: 10 Join Date: 7/26/18 Recent Posts
Since my last post, don't now how much time has passed.
But my last ride was not that mystic as some where before.
I do not meditate formally. But I am very, very self observant and try to stay mindful a lot of the day time.

My last ride, if it was a ride and I call it a ride, or maybe the correct turn is: cycle.
But let me briefly explain what has happened to me since September/October last year:

I met a new partner
Having sex with her it was really strange, as if I disappeared an only she remained
I focused on that because I remembered Osho saying to love a women as a goddess
it was not like sex I used to have before (last time 2 years ago); it just was strange, good but kind of psychic

After that the months following were kind of euphoric (sure I had fallen in love, maybe)
I was active and happy

Now few weeks ago I binge watched YouTube videos to kind of explore life in all it ways, through watching videos about street violence and stuff like that.
I had back pain.
My dog was sick
I really got emotional went to the vet, came back home, thought my dog was going to die. My dog became unconscious for 3 or 4 times
next day the dog got better, three days before yesterday. I was so deeply sad. I experienced this extreme sadness like 3 to 4 times before.sometimes even without outer cause I got really, really sad
now I had insights into my past behavior: like having expectations towards others is childish, but it was not intellectually I cud forgive my mother for something that had hurt me out of that insight. I talked to my uncle because of my dog. He had told me to keep him in memory the way he is now again. I asked him: but I know him like nine years, but that I intuitively got the point but not quite intellectually. I had spontaneous insights into parables of the bible. Like a intuitive understanding and also into Buddha teaching and laotse. They came to me although I stopped reading about religious texts like quite some time ago. (although time is one thing I haven't really figured out.)
Now since yesterday and more so today I read a_lot by osho, my mind is highly mild, steady,, almost no mood swings, even if I think about difficult times in the past, although I do not think as much anyway. Two thoughts that kept on repeating for years now don't appeal anymore that much, normally my mind would have dwelled in them for some time. My mind is so peaceful atm. There is something like getting to know that I am pure consciousness and that this consciousness consists out of one moment after the other and kind of on the bottom to that is nothing, it is not a real deep insight yet, maybe I am wrong there.
Well for the moment the emotional ride has stopped, my desire to drink alcohol is not really there atm. Been having drinking issues.

As for now I am writing the text, in this moment it seams to me as if my fingers are typing by themselves. It does not seam to me as if there was willpower involved. It more like my brain is thinking and my fingers are typing. The sense of I is only mildly there, it still is but way not that predominant as usually. Well what do I know *facepalm*

Any thoughts highly appreciated.
Am I just bs myself, does that make any sense
I mean there are rational explanations for being sad.
And now being so peacefull.
But the sadness was extremely deep and now the chilling of my mind could also just be, that it was just to much and after all my dog is better off right now. But it is a mind condition I rarely experience. The thing that stands out to me is the none desire of alkohol. Normally I do at least have to bring up willpower not to drink.
I am afraid that I am bullshiting myself and putting things together, where one could easily have rational explanations
Is there a way to find out? What to do?
Jonas, modified 3 Years ago at 3/7/20 5:14 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 3/7/20 5:14 PM

RE: A ride again? What to do now?

Posts: 10 Join Date: 7/26/18 Recent Posts
Everything comes, everthing goes,
no words can expose, what nobody knows.
Jonas, modified 3 Years ago at 3/7/20 6:35 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 3/7/20 6:35 PM

RE: A ride again? What to do now?

Posts: 10 Join Date: 7/26/18 Recent Posts
Lying in bed. Listening to shunyamurti.
Having my eyes closed.Strange feeling in the head.
Like goosebumbs or so but in the head.
Consiousness is getting bigger, like moving into space, while I get more relaxed, like going to sleep.
But somehow I am afraid and resist and I rouse.