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I want off Mr. Buddha's Wild Ride

I want off Mr. Buddha's Wild Ride
3/11/20 5:41 PM
I have never been a meditator, but over the course of the past month-and-a-bit, a lot of weird shit has been happening to my brain. 

All of this occurred in daily life, with no active attempts to meditate or guidance beyond Daniel's dharma book and a tabletop RPG.

Occurences, in order:
1: I forced myself through my flinch response in order to acknowledge and respond to one of my vices. (Overstepping people's boundaries in the attempt to "help" them.) 
This resulted in a dissolution of my good/evil, love/hate and truth/lie binaries, and along with it some super fucky cognitive effects, most notable of which was a form of hyper-empathy that, er, made being praised or insulted by my girlfriend innately sexually pleasurable. This lasted about a week. 

My guess here is an A&P Event. 

2: I noticed that I was accidentally examining the three characteristics, and put them together into a realization of my own mortality. I was wracked with intense grief for 3-4 days, quit a number of my commitments as obvious overextensions, and almost donated most of my fantasy books to the local library. My guess here is that this was Dissolution, Misery and Disgust doing their thing.

3: Keeping the Three Characteristics in mind, I deliberately let go of everything immaterial I wanted. All my convictions, ideals and social roles went into the dustbin. 

This resulted in a cessation-of-meaning event where it suddenly became _absolutely obvious_ that humans were just animals, all of ideology was made up, and I'd been a huge idiot. I had fits of uncontrollable laughter as I suddenly got theexistential joke. 

This state of lack-of-meaning persisted for about 5-6 hours, at which point I deliberatelyselected a principle to believe in (love) because I didn't want to live a life without meaning.

As a result of this, I stopped feeling bound by ethics, ideology, etc. It felt very much like I had died and been reborn. (And came with a similar level of fear in the choosing.)

Longer-term effects of this seem to include some insight intoflawedness, as following it, I began to instinctively reject binary constructs in favour of analog reality. Further effects of this included being more able to comprehend calculus, more easily able to speak to people of a spiritual bent, and a higher overall level of self-esteem. The self-esteem part has partially dissipated, but the rest remained. 

I wasn't convinced quite yet, but after a bit more processing I became convinced I knew the meaning of life, and became tempted to leave all my material possessions behind and become a wandering monk. 

Fortunately, I kept a cool head, because that urge dissipated as I kept investigating my emotions and the nature of sensate reality.

Based on the combination of characteristics here, plus the fact it convinced me that the Buddha knew what he was talking about, I would probably call this StreamEntry.

4: Following this, I investigated the reality of my senses further, and came to the conclusion that none of them were reliable. This resulted in a spooky sense of derealization, like everything around me was controlled by some unseen puppetmaster, lasting 4-5 hours before I decided I'd take it on faith that my wife was real. This resulted in a similar "snap-back" of perception, and slid pretty much directly into...

5. A state of deep unitive feelings with the universe, where I became convinced that either reality was deterministic or I was god. I rejected both of these as well, substituting free will, which slid into... 

6. The belief that time did not exist and I was some kind of four-dimensional object in spacetime, hallucinating time passing, and that I had no definite boundary with anything.

This then fell into a belief that some far-future humanity would ressurect me after my death. Enforcing "material, impermanent, flawed" on humanity got me to...

7: The belief I was complicit in all of society's crimes, due to the flawed nature of society and my failure to oppose it.

8: My inability to find a satisfactory resoltion to this led me to finally say "okay, I give up, we all die." This was probably dissolution again. 

9: Following this, I had three days of heavy fatigue, then sourceless feelings of dissatisfaction with everything, which clued me in to the fact I was still in the Dark Night. 

10: At which point I pulled out a game construct from Chuubo's Marvellous Wish Granting Engine, and symbolically "died." 

This has left me with a sense of deep confidence about what I actually want out of life, and seems to have done something to my attentional capacity as well; the world seems to have more depth to it, more happiness, more life, and my senses seem both sharper and more isolated spatially. 

I don't know where I am or what I'm doing, but I feel like I've got a second Fruition in here somewhere: the last thing in particular feels Very Big. I feel like I died, and this is a heavenly afterlife... which makes my thoughts go towards anagami, but in two months without meditating??

Any advice the more experienced dharma people could give me would be very welcome.

RE: I want off Mr. Buddha's Wild Ride
3/11/20 6:00 PM as a reply to Evangeline Rose Ingram.
That's quite a lot of effort invested in trolling. Been frustrated lately?

RE: I want off Mr. Buddha's Wild Ride
3/11/20 7:26 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
That's quite a lot of effort invested in trolling. Been frustrated lately?

... Sorry, I should probably have read the forum listing before fricking posting. This probably belongs in Dharma Diagnosis, and if I'd read the idiot's guide...

5: Pretty clearly A&P Event #2. 
6-7-8-9: Dhukka Nanas. 
10: Possibly Eqanimity and Fruition? This was a very, uh, intense experience emotionally, it was clearly a big deal, but it feels like I'm a lot lighter. I would describe the primary characteristic that shifted is... it feels like I have better depth perception now? Mmm, looking out the window that doesn't whatthefuck the room is curved. 

what the fuck, my eyes aren't lying to me about "straight lines" being straight anymore

okay I'm taking this to dharma diagnosis, what the what

RE: I want off Mr. Buddha's Wild Ride
3/12/20 10:58 AM as a reply to Evangeline Rose Ingram.
As of this morning, something went plink and I suddenly realized I'd been playing a character for my entire life, and furthermore that I had never actually interacted with objects as they are, only my expectations of them.

I did a drawing-from life exercise on a hunch, and discovered I had much less trouble with original seeing - I don't have to deliberately "see the light" anymore, my brain seems to just do that automatically instead of getting in my way. 

I think what I was experiencing yesterday was a combination of Equanimity's "panoramic perspective" in my daily experience and this new non-symbolic effect.

Contributing factors to yesterday's weird experience:
- Equanimity's attentional quality of panoramic expansiveness
- previous attentional vagueness in the dhukka nanas
- new nonsymbolic effect removing the projection effect of the world being rendered onto my eyeball
- I'm strongly nearsighted and wear glasses, so the nonsymbolic effect is likely amplified by lens aberration at the edges of my glasses. I haven't tried with contacts yet, but I expect the effect to be less with them.

My general willingness to deviate from social scripts has increased significantly, as well as my willingness to take risks and reach out to people. I'm also having what I might describe as a weak unitive experience - I have the perception that "I love all humans."

Given the "plink -> laughter" experience this morning, as well as the continuing differences in sensory characteristics even though I seem to have lost Equanimity's panoramic attentional quality, I'm fairly sure this is 2nd path. 3rd path was entirely wishful thinking on my part; I just want to be done with this fricking thing already. The comment from MCTB that "it feels like I'm being done by the dharma, rather than the dharma doing me" feels deeply apt right about now. Sigh.

I want to say I'm in Mind and Body, but this whole vague dissatisfaction thing I've got going at the moment suggests I'm cycling already. Sigh. Can't wait for another fricking A&P event.

> see title