Polly Ester’s practice log 8 - Discussion
Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:52 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:52 AM
Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/21/20 8:54 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/21/20 8:54 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/21/20 9:19 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/21/20 9:19 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 3:22 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 3:22 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI think I need to stay out of things that trigger me for a while, not to bypass them but for the sake of timing. This is not the time for setting off defences.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 5:48 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 5:48 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 5:59 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 5:59 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIf I'm getting this all wrong, or if you have any gentle pointers that you think might help, I'm willing to listen. I may not be able to explain myself very much right now as words are failing me. I feel insecure and question everything in some moments and feel like everything is exactly as it is supposed to be in other moments, and I don't think any of those versions are correct.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 6:05 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 6:05 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsIf I'm getting this all wrong, or if you have any gentle pointers that you think might help, I'm willing to listen. I may not be able to explain myself very much right now as words are failing me. I feel insecure and question everything in some moments and feel like everything is exactly as it is supposed to be in other moments, and I don't think any of those versions are correct.
You're doing it just right, love.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 6:21 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 6:21 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThank you! (We seriously do need a heart emoji or at least a namaste emoji here, if hearts are considered too distracting or something.)
---
In my reclining practice earlier today, something was going on with my vision. I use a blindfold, so I know that any lights that appear are mind-made, not emmanating from a physical light source. In the beginning of the session, there was some centered brightness, nothing out of the ordinary, very basic stuff. Then a very bright point popped into the screen from my right side, seemingly with an intention, and it sort of made a jump, and then settled and either faded or mixed with the ordinary brightness. Right after that, one of my cats jumped up on my chest from the right. I cuddled him for a moment and then returned to spaciousness, and he settled down and seemed to join me in meditation. He was leaning his head to the left side of my chest and stretching his front paws to that side to maintain balance while relaxing. A red shimmer appeared at the left side of my screen. It grew stronger and sort of stabilized. It had movements to it but the strength of it and its location and size (it was a field that didn't seem to have its borders on the left side within my screen but slightly outside it, and it took up maybe a fifth of my screen, which is a wide screen that curves outward) remained relatively intact for a long time. I estimate it to be close to an hour. It was glowing steadily and brightly and it was undeniably red with some pink features. Towards the end of the session, my cat moved a bit and placed himself in a more centered way on my chest. That made the red field move the same way. Afterwards, when my cat was no longer on my chest, the red field was gone.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 6:27 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 6:27 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 7:25 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 7:25 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 7:31 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 7:31 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 5:42 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/22/20 5:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 3:03 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 3:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsWhen I lay down to sleep last night there were lots of white light sparkles that converged at the centre of the visual field to form a sphere. I asked to remember dreams, which I did. I asked for a lucid dream, which did not happen.
Writing this was actually one of those little thingies to do first, so it starts from now on. That means that I'm NOT allowed to read new posts on this forum right now, because it's time to get to work. I'll be reading scientific papers in my hammock, nothing to have performance anxiety about really. Getting rid of that totally irrational performance anxiety was one of the effects of SE that unfortunately didn't last.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 3:55 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 3:55 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsWriting this was actually one of those little thingies to do first, so it starts from now on. That means that I'm NOT allowed to read new posts on this forum right now, because it's time to get to work. I'll be reading scientific papers in my hammock, nothing to have performance anxiety about really. Getting rid of that totally irrational performance anxiety was one of the effects of SE that unfortunately didn't last.
If it be Your will, that i song no more,
that my voice be still, as it was before,
I will sing no more, i shall abide until
i am spoken for
if it be Your will.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR1m98xnl5c
(sweet version, duet with Jennifer Warnes)
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:37 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:33 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Postshttps://anchor.fm/daniel-hill6/episodes/An-Interview-with-Daniel-Ingram-Part-One-ebvrtn/a-a1penf0
I'm on lunchbreak now, cooking food, so I'm allowed to listen to podcasts and write here. I'm working on my smage* skills, integrating dharma talks and mantra chanting with kitchen chores in order to make life as a householder practicioner function. I need to use my time effectively so that I have time both to practice and to make the world a better place (which ideally is what I do with my research). Also, it makes the kitchen chores not only bearable but even fun.
*) concept reluctantly coined by Daniel in "this fine audio recording" from the Bryngarth II fire kasina retreat.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:43 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:43 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:45 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Postshttps://anchor.fm/daniel-hill6/episodes/An-Interview-with-Daniel-Ingram-Part-One-ebvrtn/a-a1penf0
I'm working on my smage* skills, *) concept reluctantly coined by Daniel
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 6:18 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 6:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsGreat that my vagueness inspired to some dharma listening.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 11:28 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 11:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsAt least I did write today. Life kind of sucks a bit but there is a sense of spaciousness and some jhanic factors.
I'm still going to write that book somehow. I don't know how, but I'll find a way.
Chris M, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 11:33 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 11:33 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 4356 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent PostsOlivier S, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 11:42 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 11:42 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 755 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 11:52 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 11:52 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsI'm still going to write that book somehow. I don't know how, but I'll find a way.
Yup.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 12:25 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 12:25 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsMy conditioning kind of sucks, because this will require a lot of executive functioning that I don't really have: organizing, prioritizing, decisionmaking, structuring, making contacts, planning, administration, remembering important things that need to be taken care of, actually taking care of those things in time... and where the hell shall I put all those books and papers and stuff?! It is urgent to find a legal way to maintain access to my research data. At the same time I will have to search for a new job, one that won't make me want to die. This is going to be overwhelming and there isn't much I can do about that.
But it is a beautiful warm spring day today, with cherry blossoms, violets and wood anemones etc in full bloom, and there is that golden evening light that I love, and nobody can take that away from me, because it is just there where it is.
George S, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 2:16 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 2:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2402 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent PostsNot two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 3:36 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 3:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 981 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:02 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:07 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsI love the word "poignancy," that sweetest of heartaches. And grief, accepted, has that quality.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:26 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThe feeling I have right now is that I'm done with the career thing. I want calm in my life. I'm done with the constant worry about fundings and having to compare myself with others and be top notch. I want a job that does minimal harm and that somehow makes the world a better place and that doesn't involve constant performance anxiety. If the only job I can find that lives up to that is at some second hand shop like most autistic people in this town, then I can probably live with that. That's not plan A, though. I think I could contribute more than that. If only someone would be willing to employ me for it, I could lead support groups or something.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:31 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI love the word "poignancy," that sweetest of heartaches. And grief, accepted, has that quality.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:34 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:39 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Postsför all del!
(de nada.)
(edit) i just went to slip in a simple response to a "thank you," and you had time to (not)-delete a double post and re-write it as an edit, with your eye on the time stamp integrity! You terrify me, you super-real creature of wonder and joy.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:39 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:39 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:44 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:45 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsWhat i really meant was, "de nada," which has a particular tone, with a touch of "Of course! Don't mention it." I was also leaning toward ingen orsak. "
Det var så lite så," is simple polite standard response, right? I wanted the casual affectionate no-big-deal, anything-for-a-friend note.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:47 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 5:47 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 6:04 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 6:04 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 6:22 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/23/20 6:22 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsSiavash ', modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:37 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 1513 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent PostsI am trying to post a solution here for this emoji problem, but I am getting an error saying "Message Boards is temporarily unavailable."!
Sorry for spamming, I am writing this to see if it's because of emojis in that post that I get this error or not.
Edit:
Below was the solution, but when emojis are included in the post, it raises the above error, and it seems that is not working.
When you right click here on the editor, sometimes it opens browser' paste popup, and sometimes DhO' paste popup (I don't know its logic). If it's browser' popup, it may have a Emoji & Symbols menu item. If it didn't have, just click DhO popup' paste item, and in the next dialog, right click, and there you'll get browser' popup. For me, Chrome on Mac, browser' popup has this Emoji & Symbol item, that if you click it, it opens another dialog containing many more emoji and symbols and you can choose or type the word you want, like thanks or love, and select from results. But I don't know all browsers and in all platforms have that option or not.
And sorry about your job. You'll be fine.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:11 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsSorry for spamming, I am writing this to see if it's because of emojis in that post that I get this error or not.













Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:12 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:12 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsSorry for spamming, I am writing this to see if it's because of emojis in that post that I get this error or not.













Siavash ', modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:21 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 1513 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent PostsIt didn't work. Liferay' editor doesn't recognize symbols it seems, and it only recognize text, and for its own emojis, it has textual representation for each one. Legacy system problems! Sorry Linda, again.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:24 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsIt didn't work. Liferay' editor doesn't recognize symbols it seems, and it only recognize text, and for its own emojis, it has textual representation for each one. Legacy system problems! Sorry Linda, again.
Ask Chris Marti about this tech stuff, it's way beyond my pay grade.
It is very polite of you, gracious and sensitive to apologize to Linda for this besmirchment of her practice log. She is perfectly capable, as i well know, of telling both of us to take it to another bar. So i will hide behind you, dear Siavash, for the time being, as you are so much nicer. That woman scares the shit out of me, to tell you the truth.
Papa Che Dusko, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:29 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:29 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2404 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts

Siavash ', modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:30 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 6:30 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 1513 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent PostsIt didn't work. Liferay' editor doesn't recognize symbols it seems, and it only recognize text, and for its own emojis, it has textual representation for each one. Legacy system problems! Sorry Linda, again.
Ask Chris Marti about this tech stuff, it's way beyond my pay grade.
It is very polite of you, gracious and sensitive to apologize to Linda for this besmirchment of her practice log. She is perfectly capable, as i well know, of telling both of us to take it to another bar. So i will hide behind you, dear Siavash, for the time being, as you are so much nicer. That woman scares the shit out of me, to tell you the truth.
Yes, Linda is capable of course!
But don't worry, we will end this emoji thing here, and Linda will be kind and won't say anything this time

Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 8:47 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 8:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIt didn't work. Liferay' editor doesn't recognize symbols it seems, and it only recognize text, and for its own emojis, it has textual representation for each one. Legacy system problems! Sorry Linda, again.
Oh, I tried that sollution ages ago.

Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 8:52 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 8:52 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsIt didn't work. Liferay' editor doesn't recognize symbols it seems, and it only recognize text, and for its own emojis, it has textual representation for each one. Legacy system problems! Sorry Linda, again.
Oh, I tried that sollution ages ago.

tell you it was Siavash, it was all Siavash!! He made me do it!!
(sorry, Siavash, this isn't about friendship anymore, this is just survival. Do you truly understand the extent of the powers this person "Linda" has available to her, should she care to use them for the purposes of, say, lightning strikes or something? Run for cover, man, it's everyone for themself at this point.)
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 8:54 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 8:54 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts

I don't have a clue. I'm doing all my dharma reading in English. Yeah, "lagom" is a great word that is surprisingly hard to come across in other languages.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 9:20 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 9:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsDo you truly understand the extent of the powers this person "Linda" has available to her, should she care to use them for the purposes of, say, lightning strikes or something? Run for cover, man, it's everyone for themself at this point.
I was just using the word jinx in a different conversation with a friend on messenger and was reminded of the fact that I actually believed for a while that I was a jinx. At the time it really seemed like I was a magnet for chaos. As soon as I felt happy for a little while, someone around me died or something. It was total chaos wherever I went, like a portable chaos field. It sounds like a really weird thing to believe, but I’m still immensely happy that it’s not like that anymore and that it probably wasn’t me. I was scared of me. At that time I adopted the alias Tintomara from a book by C.J.L. Almqvist. Tintomara was a non-binary being who was always at the centre of others' tragedy, and although innocent, was eventually sentenced to death for it.
Being harmless is quite the relief.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 9:31 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 9:31 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts

I don't have a clue. I'm doing all my dharma reading in English. Yeah, "lagom" is a great word that is surprisingly hard to come across in other languages.
"beroende ursprung" is the phrase you're looking for here, i think, Papa Che.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 9:33 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 9:33 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsDo you truly understand the extent of the powers this person "Linda" has available to her, should she care to use them for the purposes of, say, lightning strikes or something? Run for cover, man, it's everyone for themself at this point.
I was just using the word jinx in a different conversation with a friend on messenger and was reminded of the fact that I actually believed for a while that I was a jinx. At the time it really seemed like I was a magnet for chaos. As soon as I felt happy for a little while, someone around me died or something. It was total chaos wherever I went, like a portable chaos field. It sounds like a really weird thing to believe, but I’m still immensely happy that it’s not like that anymore and that it probably wasn’t me. I was scared of me. At that time I adopted the alias Tintomara from a book by C.J.L. Almqvist. Tintomara was a non-binary being who was always at the centre of others' tragedy, and although innocent, was eventually sentenced to death for it.
Being harmless is quite the relief.
That's a good one, "harmless." You stick to that story and i'll have your back all the way. I might occasionally giggle when you say it, but am becoming the Master of My Face, and soon will never even crack a smile at the Cosmic Joke itself.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 9:58 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 9:58 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI did a simple routine of basic Bön lineage practice: nine breathings of purification, guru yoga with chanting, visualizations and seed syllables (Taphiritsa), and inner refuge practice (the three doors, not the fruition doors but the other ones). Space opened up and there was brightness and lightness and a vibrational quality to the existence (words are failing me here). I dedicated that part of the practice. Then I chanted the SA LE Ö mantra. My chanting is full of overtones. That just happens automatically. At least that's how it sounds for me. I don't know how much is hearable for others. I dedicated the chanting. Then I lay down to do Michael Taft's lates SF Dharma Collective guided meditation, the Vimilakirti experience 3B. As long as I could still hear the content of what he was saying, my experience followed his instructions. After that I have no idea what he was talking about. It was just all light and soundwaves and vibrations floating around and morphing, and it was amazing. I hope I didn't miss something essential.
Then I went to pick up the large Avalokiteshvara art print that I've had put into a frame (beautiful!). The visual field is at extreme wide angle again.
The nada sound is loud and I feel sort of lightheaded and yet grounded. I can see the vibrational quality of the visual field. There seem to be tingling nerve ends at my scalp. It feels pleasant, like energetic misty vapor seeping out in an intricate dance, but when I touch those many points, they are hot and tender. One of my partners is coming over tonight for the first time for quite some time now, but I kind of feel like meditating the rest of the day instead, and that doesn't seem fair to him.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 10:02 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 10:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThat sounds awfully stilted, to be honest, but then again, translations often do. I don’t have any better suggestion.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 10:04 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 10:04 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThat's a good one, "harmless." You stick to that story and i'll have your back all the way. I might occasionally giggle when you say it, but am becoming the Master of My Face, and soon will never even crack a smile at the Cosmic Joke itself.
Hey there, when I warned you that my energies might be risky business after all, you didn’t believe it.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 10:07 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 10:06 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsI did a simple routine of basic Bön lineage practice: nine breathings of purification, guru yoga with chanting, visualizations and seed syllables (Taphiritsa), and inner refuge practice (the three doors, not the fruition doors but the other ones). Space opened up and there was brightness and lightness and a vibrational quality to the existence (words are failing me here). I dedicated that part of the practice. Then I chanted the SA LE Ö mantra. My chanting is full of overtones. That just happens automatically. At least that's how it sounds for me. I don't know how much is hearable for others. I dedicated the chanting. Then I lay down to do Michael Taft's lates SF Dharma Collective guided meditation, the Vimilakirti experience 3B. As long as I could still hear the content of what he was saying, my experience followed his instructions. After that I have no idea what he was talking about. It was just all light and soundwaves and vibrations floating around and morphing, and it was amazing. I hope I didn't miss something essential.
Then I went to pick up the large Avalokiteshvara art print that I've had put into a frame (beautiful!). The visual field is at extreme wide angle again.
The nada sound is loud and I feel sort of lightheaded and yet grounded. I can see the vibrational quality of the visual field. There seem to be tingling nerve ends at my scalp. It feels pleasant, like energetic misty vapor seeping out in an intricate dance, but when I touch those many points, they are hot and tender.
Waiter, I'll have what non-binary over there is having, please, thank you.
One of my partners is coming over tonight for the first time for quite some time now, but I kind of feel like meditating the rest of the day instead, and that doesn't seem fair to him.
I'm sure he/she understands that if s/he can't stand the Linda heat, s/he should stay out of the Polly Ester kitchen.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 1:10 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/24/20 1:08 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThe dot is still vivid, bright, detailed and longlasting. The field around it had tiny points in different colors arosing and passing away very rapidly. The black disc appeared, with the dot and its halo/s/ blinking through it. There were color swirls, sometimes rapidly spiralling around a pitch black point. When the dot appeared again, it was less sharp in its contours and also less flat. The background stood out more. Tentacles came out from the dot when it was golden/yellow. They moved around a bit.
There were phases when looking at the flame had gaps in the focus, blinked out, which made the image sort of choppy. There was a strain to it and a heavy feeling in the head. I realized that I was trapped trying to be a doer, using attention rather than trusting the vision to do its own thing. I eased back into a lighter approach. The strain went away, and so did the choppiness. The flame took on a somewhat different quality, an obviousness or self-evident-ness. I think this was when the dot turned into more 3D. It also made the experience more pleasant with more subtle nuances to it.
What in this is the murk, really? The color swirls? They don't seem that murky to me. More psychedelic. There were occasional constellations flashing by that might have been small sets of sharp teeth or something, or maybe some primitive organism. At one point I thought I saw a gently smiling woman's face, like a dakini image, but it disappeared as quickly as it arose. There were like strands of star-pearls beaded on strings for a while, shining so brightly that they looked like rifts in the darkness.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 3:53 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 3:53 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThis partner is very intense. We can be very much in synch but I can't maintain it for long. Since I started my systematic meditation practice, my need for stillness has increased drastically. That's how I regenerate. There have been times when I have found it draining to get drawn into this vortex of thoughts and feelings and associations of his, perhaps especially since I have historically had sort of a disconnect between talking and experiencing (textbased communication has given me the space to connect with the communication more energetically and kinesthetically). Luckily I seem to have found a way to bridge that disconnect. I have heard Jeff Warren describe how Shinzen Young has explained to him about his favorite meditation: tuning into the vibrational of a person during social interaction and sort of get a massage from it. I found myself doing that yesterday. I'm sure it was nothing compared to Shinzen's experience, but for me it was revolutionary - and yet it felt very familiar. I recognize that I have managed to get into that mode before under special circumstances. Now I could just tune into it. It made the interaction so much less draining! (Just to clarify: he is totally amazing, but I am very introverted.)
Still I found myself wired-up this morning. It was great to have a yoga class to get more in tune with my body.
I'm squeezing in this time to reflect on my way home from the yoga class. I won't be able to read much on the forum this weekend. This partner of mine gets drained by every shift in focus. Focus shifts are generally very draining for me too, but shifting into stillness is the opposite for me. For him it is just as draining as any other shift. There isn't much he can do about that, as it is due to brain damage (he is very open about this on a variety of online forums so this is not sensitive information). I'm taking the time for yoga and meditation and some other stuff that I must do. Cutting up our time together more than that gets abusive for him.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 4:00 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 4:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsThis partner is very intense. We can be very much in synch but I can't maintain it for long. Since I started my systematic meditation practice, my need for stillness has increased drastically. That's how I regenerate. There have been times when I have found it draining to get drawn into this vortex of thoughts and feelings and associations of his, perhaps especially since I have historically had sort of a disconnect between talking and experiencing (textbased communication has given me the space to connect with the communication more energetically and kinesthetically).
Luckily I seem to have found a way to bridge that disconnect. I have heard Jeff Warren describe how Shinzen Young has explained to him about his favorite meditation: tuning into the vibrational of a person during social interaction and sort of get a massage from it. I found myself doing that yesterday. I'm sure it was nothing compared to Shinzen's experience, but for me it was revolutionary - and yet it felt very familiar. I recognize that I have managed to get into that mode before under special circumstances. Now I could just tune into it. It made the interaction so much less draining! (Just to clarify: he is totally amazing, but I am very introverted.)
"Luckily. . ."
Jesus Fucking Christ, Linda.

Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 4:05 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 4:05 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 4:08 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 4:08 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
It's like planting a vineyard, working your ass off for five or ten years to get all the grape plants trained and rooted and supported, going through another five years of harvests and tinkering with the wine-making process, and then saying, "Luckily, this glass of wine tasted really good."
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 4:11 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 4:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 4:18 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 4:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 6:22 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 6:22 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 6:25 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 6:25 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsI hope you're riding them better than i'm handling mine. I'm walking with a fucking stick at the moment. Mama Shakti wants my back alignment different, and She gonna get it done, too.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 7:43 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 7:43 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 2:59 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/25/20 2:59 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 4:50 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 4:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI took a yoga class and made sure to be careful with my shoulders, because there is an excess of histamines in my body right now. I have finally found how to use whatever the muscles are called that go from the triceps down to the hips, on the outside of the core, on the back side.That's a whole new stability. Lately I'm also finding that there is always much more relaxation available in the body than the mind tends to believe. That frees up resources. It's a very tangible liberation, like "Do I really have to put that much strain in my breath right now? Uhm... actually no! Do I really have to tense my entire body when I really slowly sink down into shavasana from sitting upright? No, I really don't." I'm learning precision and finding that it's all insight.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 6:41 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 6:41 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 6:55 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 6:55 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsGood thing you passed on doing a meditative rant!! But if you ever do one, use this.
Chris M, modified 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 7:10 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 7:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 4356 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 9:01 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 9:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 9:03 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 9:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
well, that non-person pit bull tore a big chunk out of nobody's ass.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 3:26 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 3:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsGeorge S, modified 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 3:48 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/26/20 3:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2402 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent PostsThe nada sound is loud and I feel sort of lightheaded and yet grounded.
Hi Linda, I'm glad to hear that something has loosened up in your practice. How is the nada sound? I have had tinnitus since I was 20. It used to bother me terribly but mostly I can ignore it now. However I'm wondering if it might have been premature awakening phenomenon. Mine is like a constant steam train hiss combined with high pitched whistle.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/27/20 2:25 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/27/20 2:25 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI actually really like the sound. It's like a biofeedback system and reminder in one. I use it as a reminder to focus on the stillness and the space of open possibilities.
If there is a sharp tone, what would happen if you try to zoom out?
Have you checked out the so called exploding head syndrome? I suspect that is just the biomedicine trying to make sense of Kundalini symptoms.
---
I just came home from a class of traditional yoga. I seem to be back in A&P again. I don't think I have ever had this much body control. The nada sound is loud, like a lot of crickets. Everything is buzzing and bubbling and clarity is warped up. If this is going to be a longer period of strong A&P, I may need to stay grounded, but I think it may also be wise to build concentration, because what comes up must come down, and I would prefer to deal with a macho version of the dukkha nanas with strong concentration if I can.
Now grounding, taking a shower and cooking dinner, and then meditating. Where did this day go?
Steph , modified 2 Years ago at 4/27/20 2:31 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/27/20 2:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 669 Join Date: 3/24/10 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/27/20 7:44 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/27/20 7:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsAfter the sit, I lay down in the dark. The dot continued to morph around a bit, more in color than in shape. Then it was dark. Stars lit up. They danced around a bit. I felt a jhanic pull and the stars started to form into patterns. It didn't quite get there. I was at the threshold to fourth jhana but didn't get in. I could feel the taste of it but was too exhausted to keep it up, and maybe too emotional to get into full equanimity.
I'm exploring the vibrational level and the wave level of feelings. It's a whole new world opening up.
Need to sleep. Please remind me to reply to Steph if I forget!
George S, modified 2 Years ago at 4/27/20 7:51 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/27/20 7:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2402 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 1:54 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 1:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Postsedit: I just saw that you had already written at least what your husband thinks:
Your ear has both an input and an output. The sound of the world hitting your ear and resonating your ear drum is the input. The output is the connection between the ear and the brain. Anything with an output is going to produce operating noise that can be detected. Operating noise is the result of the interaction of all of the components in a device that interact to synthesize and produce the audible information. Operating noise only exists in an analog domain, meaning it's produced by voltages. The voltages interacting with one another produce the noise. The body is full of electricity, which are the voltages.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 8:21 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 8:21 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsOkay, so that's what it is? Is it? Then what's all the fuzz about? It felt somewhat creepy for a little while, but it was mainly a relief. There has been so much excess processing of stuff over here that I welcome the change. It is simpler and much less draining, and yet so much more nuanced. It's like someone finally opened the good bottle of wine, from a bottle that just keeps refilling because there are no boundaries between inside and outside the bottle, and the more you drink from it, the less intoxication and hangover you get (yeah, I overdid that analogy and mixed it so it doesn't quite make sense, but maybe you get the picture anyway).
I can imagine that it might take some time getting used to this in all kinds of situations. I still don't quite understand how investigation is possible in the midst of this. Maybe that is like a back and forth movement between assumed perspectives, a comparing of references that takes place as part of the universe unfolding.
I had experiences of this in the review after stream entry. I think I called it feeling unsolid, like I was vaporizing. Now it was clear that the awareness of sensate experiences tangibly "moved out" from the sense organs and the brain, with the exception of those experiences that actually belong to those parts. I have had experiences of that since before stream entry, but it always felt like they were still attached to the sense organs, with or rubber band or something, and were drawn back to it. Now it's rubber band free. There never was a rubber band. There was always just the inferior echo.
This feels somewhat anticlimactic.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 8:29 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 8:29 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsOkay, so that's what it is? Is it? Then what's all the fuzz about? It felt somewhat creepy for a little while, but it was mainly a relief. There has been so much excess processing of stuff over here that I welcome the change. It is simpler and much less draining, and yet so much more nuanced. It's like someone finally opened the good bottle of wine, from a bottle that just keeps refilling because there are no boundaries between inside and outside the bottle, and the more you drink from it, the less intoxication and hangover you get (yeah, I overdid that analogy and mixed it so it doesn't quite make sense, but maybe you get the picture anyway).
I can imagine that it might take some time getting used to this in all kinds of situations. I still don't quite understand how investigation is possible in the midst of this. Maybe that is like a back and forth movement between assumed perspectives, a comparing of references that takes place as part of the universe unfolding.
I had experiences of this in the review after stream entry. I think I called it feeling unsolid, like I was vaporizing. Now it was clear that the awareness of sensate experiences tangibly "moved out" from the sense organs and the brain, with the exception of those experiences that actually belong to those parts. I have had experiences of that since before stream entry, but it always felt like they were still attached to the sense organs, with or rubber band or something, and were drawn back to it. Now it's rubber band free. There never was a rubber band. There was always just the inferior echo.
This feels somewhat anticlimactic.
It's like someone finally opened the good bottle of wine, from a bottle that just keeps refilling because there are no boundaries between inside and outside the bottle, and the more you drink from it, the less intoxication and hangover you get
That's the happy hour special at the Bar of Last Resort this week! Eeerie, we haven't even put that on the board yet.
You witch.
(yeah, I overdid that analogy and mixed it so it doesn't quite make sense, but maybe you get the picture anyway).
my kind of non-binary neuro-alternative witchlock!
love, tim
George S, modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 11:40 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 11:15 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2402 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent PostsYou can't see the bypassing, that's why you had to be absent for the bypassing to be seen!
I can empathize with that but in reality there's nothing to get used to - this is just the way things are. You might reappear and decide that you need to get used to this in different situations, but that's just the dream restarting.
Investigation is not necessary if experiences are knowing themselves and there's no processor there to do the investigating.
I think that's right. The seeker expects fireworks at the end of the show!
It sounds like you are handling it well, due to good preparation. I am happy for you.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 11:54 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 11:54 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsGeorge S, modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 12:02 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 12:01 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2402 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 12:06 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 12:06 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 12:26 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 12:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThat's the happy hour special at the Bar of Last Resort this week! Eeerie, we haven't even put that on the board yet.
Funny thing: in writing it I was thinking that it would fit perfectly on the menu for the Bar of Last Resort.
my kind of non-binary neuro-alternative witchlock!
That’s a new one. I like that description. Witchlock - perfect!
Selfing noted. And that’s okay. I’m pretty sure this mammal and the experiences intersecting with it like to keep a personality.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 12:43 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 12:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsThat's the happy hour special at the Bar of Last Resort this week! Eeerie, we haven't even put that on the board yet.
Funny thing: in writing it I was thinking that it would fit perfectly on the menu for the Bar of Last Resort.
my kind of non-binary neuro-alternative witchlock!
That’s a new one. I like that description. Witchlock - perfect!
Selfing noted. And that’s okay. I’m pretty sure this mammal and the experiences intersecting with it like to keep a personality.
oh yeah, try this latest concotion for the appetizer dishes at the Bar of Last Resort, courtesy of Steph. Just nibble at first, a little bit goes a long way---
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbieq_x7zuI
Steph , modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 2:33 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 2:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 669 Join Date: 3/24/10 Recent PostsSteph , modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 2:33 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 2:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 669 Join Date: 3/24/10 Recent Postsoh yeah, try this latest concotion for the appetizer dishes at the Bar of Last Resort, courtesy of Steph. Just nibble at first, a little bit goes a long way---
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbieq_x7zuI
Detroit techno & electro are always welcome additions to any menu.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 2:38 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 2:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsJason Massie, modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 2:44 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 2:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 124 Join Date: 10/18/16 Recent Postsoh yeah, try this latest concotion for the appetizer dishes at the Bar of Last Resort, courtesy of Steph. Just nibble at first, a little bit goes a long way---
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbieq_x7zuI
Detroit techno & electro are always welcome additions to any menu.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 2:52 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/28/20 2:52 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/29/20 5:56 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/29/20 5:56 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI woke up with brain fog but as I let the fog be aware of itself, it was soon clear that it wasn't fog. It was just the enfolding of experience that my exhausted brain couldn't catch up with, and it didn't have to.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/29/20 6:38 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/29/20 6:36 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsI woke up with brain fog but as I let the fog be aware of itself, it was soon clear that it wasn't fog. It was just the enfolding of experience that my exhausted brain couldn't catch up with, and it didn't have to.
physical exhaustion is its own very real bardo, in a lot of ways. My back has been so godawful, i've got my heat turned up to the setting "cozy and pampered," am moving at a snail's pace without sound (too much activity of late that involved using the growling siddhi just to get it done), and avoiding that meth-amphetamine-like vipassana shit like it would kill me, which apparently it could, in moments. I'm a member now of VA (Vipassanaholics Anonymous) and if i could move, would be attending my meetings religiously. I took so many drugs last night, just to get my body lying down with its eyes closed for a while, the last of my loving neighbor Dan's opiate stash that he bestowed upon me in Good Samaritan fashion, that a therapist friend marveled that i did not OD. I said, yeah, but it was my best shot, and now they're gone, gate gate gate, no more drugs, another opportunity missed.
Sleep, bubba, sleep. Rest, bubbakins, rest. Slow down, child, slow down. Pamper yourself NOW.
Chris M, modified 2 Years ago at 4/29/20 6:48 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/29/20 6:48 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 4356 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/29/20 7:09 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/29/20 7:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsThat's okay, bubba, i'm forever grateful. Vipassana and I will kiss and make up, and possibly just plain get it on, as soon as i fall off the wagon.
you had me at "dukha," honey.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/29/20 12:34 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/29/20 12:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI aced nonreactivity and skillful means in two critical situations today.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 8:13 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 8:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 8:31 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 8:31 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 8:43 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 8:43 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 8:45 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 8:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsJust to keep track (useless reading for others; sorry):
Yesterday evening I did some guru yoga and inner refuge practice and some mantra chanting and a short session of sziné without an object (still not sure how to spell that thing, but I know how to (not-)do it, and that's what matters). Given the significant amount of turbulence in my life right now, for good and for bad, I'd say it was a pretty good session. There were distractive thoughts, but there were also moments of some high quality tawa.
I also had the opportunity, eventually, to observe the process of falling asleep after some severe sleep deprivation, which was interesting. I'm too tired to find words for it, but I remember the tastes involved.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 8:46 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 8:46 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsAs for losing my job after almost twenty years as a researcher (and being too autistic to want to start over at another department with new tasks), I feel surprisingly free. The thing that I have been fearing for such a long time has already happened now, and what do you know, the world actually didn't end. Also, there are some thinking outside the box things left to check out that I'm not going to miss out on. I have the ace up my sleeve that I really don't care about career or prestige or salary apart from the most basic level, and also I don't believe in boxes. If anyone is going to hack the impossible task of finding the hidden portals at the intersection between two helplessly rigid Swedish national authorities systems, it's going to be me. Thankfully, my life is full of people who actually appreciate and support that kind of craziness.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 8:48 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 8:48 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsT, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 11:31 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 11:31 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 279 Join Date: 1/15/19 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 12:11 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 12:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsIf this even posts.
Chris M, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 12:48 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 12:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 4356 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 12:59 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 12:59 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
I think it is God's punishment on me for posting so much. The Big Guy shut me down. So sorry abuut His collateral damage, but that Guy just doesn't seem to give a Shit about the innocent much.
Chris M, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 1:24 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 1:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 4356 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent PostsGeorge S, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 2:52 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 2:52 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2402 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 3:26 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 3:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I think it is God's punishment on me for posting so much. The Big Guy shut me down. So sorry abuut His collateral damage, but that Guy just doesn't seem to give a Shit about the innocent much.
Oh no, are you the jinx now? I have contact mania and you have contaxt jinxness. This tapping into energies thing seems volatile.
George S, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 3:52 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 3:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2402 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 3:59 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 3:59 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsGeorge S, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:08 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2402 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent PostsSiavash ', modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:08 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:08 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 1513 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent PostsChris M, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:08 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:08 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 4356 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
What typically causes these occasional crap-fests is the non-act of not-doing general database maintenance - reindexing, etc. I've been told that has been done today, so please watch for better or worse conditions.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:14 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:18 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:18 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Postsso then we are on to: 5 what?
answer quick in less that 10101010 charcaters, before Chris calls us for over-intellectualizing and pseudo math.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:19 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:19 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
I think it is God's punishment on me for posting so much. The Big Guy shut me down. So sorry abuut His collateral damage, but that Guy just doesn't seem to give a Shit about the innocent much.
Oh no, are you the jinx now? I have contact mania and you have contaxt jinxness. This tapping into energies thing seems volatile.
Mama Kundalini is beautiful, but no one ever said the bitch was pretty.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:21 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:21 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Postsoh a-knowing One, I was quite sure for several hours that Chris Marti had found a way to drive me insane and shut me down, without having to bother with yellow cards and banning.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:23 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:23 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsThat's a pretty good move, there you fucking idiot Azerbaijani Boddisattva drug fiend.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:24 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Postsit just keeps coming back to God here, that Motherfucker.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:27 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:27 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Postswell, aggie, that's just bringing the thing full circle. I WAS in a state of quantum indeterminacy with a keyboard, when God smote me, and damaged the homeland here as a side effect. The whole incident--- the Ineptitiude, the Arbitrariness, the Cruel Self-Indulgent Whimsy, the Lack of Attention to Details, and the Scorched Earth Policy Toward other Religions, the thing stinks with evidence of a Christian Source.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:29 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/30/20 4:29 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Chris M, modified 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 6:20 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 6:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 4356 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent PostsSo you were posting here in 2006? I can guarantee that I was here before you were. Care to post a wager?
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 6:22 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 6:22 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsSo you were posting here in 2006? I can guarantee that I was here before you were. Care to post a wager?
No, i was fully aware of the reality of the history. I was going all in on the technicality that your current name-tag thingie has you starting in 2011, after me. Call me a fuckin lawyer, anything to yank your chain, my beloved friend, brother, cherished advisor, and general sanity check.
Chris M, modified 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 6:24 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 6:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 4356 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 6:26 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 6:26 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsChris M, modified 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 7:02 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 7:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 4356 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent PostsGeorge S, modified 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 8:47 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 8:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2402 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 8:49 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 8:49 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
I BET YOU I was more competitive.
CAN'T HEAR YOU GUYS! WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?
Chris M, modified 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 9:16 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 9:16 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 4356 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent PostsJ W, modified 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 11:23 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 11:23 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 586 Join Date: 2/11/20 Recent PostsWith Metta
John
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 4:05 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/1/20 4:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts---
30 minutes of Dzogchen after a two hour dharma talk about the daka and dakini lovemaking.
I'm working on integrating strong feelings into my practice. I believe it's fruitful. There's a movement of expansions and contractions there that can involve pain but doesn't have to because it's all just the dance of stillness with the dharmatta manifesting as the trikayas and the trikayas being the dharmatta. There is no separation in the lovemaking between emptiness and awareness that gives rise to the existence. Or rather, it both is and isn't. Similarly, in longing for someone I already am that someone and that someone is me.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 5/2/20 6:01 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/2/20 6:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts---
30 minutes of Dzogchen after a two hour dharma talk about the daka and dakini lovemaking.
I'm working on integrating strong feelings into my practice. I believe it's fruitful. There's a movement of expansions and contractions there that can involve pain but doesn't have to because it's all just the dance of stillness with the dharmatta manifesting as the trikayas and the trikayas being the dharmatta. There is no separation in the lovemaking between emptiness and awareness that gives rise to the existence. Or rather, it both is and isn't. Similarly, in longing for someone I already am that someone and that someone is me.
you sort of raced right past that "daka and dakini lovemaking" part. Just saying. I'm asking for a friend.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 5/2/20 10:24 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/2/20 10:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts---
I just did Michael Taft's latest guided meditation. Loved the meditation. Haven't been interested in listening to the theory behind it, presented by Michael Owens at SF Dharma Collective as the Vimilakirti experience. It's just too much information for me, too many names and details, but now that I'm hearing Michael Taft talking about it, it seems like I should. Apparently it's a pretty tough and humorous Mahayana criticism against Theravadan Buddhism, focusing on the Bodhisattva path. Maybe it would be a good idea to at least know what it's about.
I'm not sure that I followed the instructions. I was mainly floating around among vibrations.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 5/3/20 5:46 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/3/20 5:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLast night I experimented with sort of a tandem-version of astral projection together with someone close to me. I haven't had much experiences like that before. I have been outside my body but the only time that lasted for more than a moment it was when my dad came to say goodbye after killing himself. I have just assumed that I don't have the drive and imagination required for that kind of exploration. The opportunity came up to get some guidance in getting started with it. In the very beginning there was a minor bump in the road as we discovered that I process things differently than what he was used to. I couldn't just leave my body behind that fast, and I felt that there was a barrier in my lack of visual imagination. My guide was very sensitive to my experiences, though. He asked some questions about it and took it from there. I could still feel my body but it was floating, so I was instructed to think of that as my astral body and go with the sensory experiences. I had said that I wanted to go into space but that upward movement just didn't happen. After some alternative suggestions, we settled for the ocean instead. I still couldn't visualize, but we focused on the tactile and kinesthetical sensations of movement in the water and the coolening of the water as we sank deeper. We sank deep deep into stillness and just remained there for a while. None of us had any drive to do anything. It felt safe there in the deep stillness.
Then there was a sense of movement. I think it was some synesthetic mix between tactile and visual imagery. I was instructed to just go with that, and from here I took the lead. I was swirling around there in the depth, spiraling, being swept by undercurrents, looping around... Then there was a loud outer sound that went all vibrational and sort of projected me upwards, and suddenly I was in space. Before that, I had been feeling the water around me, soft and smooth and cohesive, and the pressure from it. Now the pressure was gone and that cohesiveness was gone. Instead it was spacious and zero gravity. Then there was air, enabling me to move. I was moving fast. As I slowed down, there was a shift with gravity coming back and a feeling of increased density around me. Then I found that I was in a lake or sea, rising up to the surface. I could see the surface approaching and then the skye above me. When I moved my gaze I could see water around me and a beach and trees and a lawn. I don't remember if there were people on the beach.
From here my memory is a bit vague. Maybe I sank down into the water again. Yeah, I think that was it. And I was drawn out by undercurrents, and then I was moving with the waves until I felt the sea bed. The tide waves were withdrawing, leaving me behind in the fluted sand, water splashing over me for a while until it was ebb. I lay there in the firm sand, my body heavy. Then after a while, I started to sink down in the sand. Soon I was covered by sand. I still felt completely safe. I just surrendered to sinking, descending. Then the firmness was gone. I was empty space. I asked my guide where he was. He replied "I'm here". Then there was that sense of being drawn into being again. It was overwhelming, in a pleasant way. I had to breathe heavily, almost like a newborn gasping for air.The intensity increased. Stars were exploding all around me for quite some time, and I was exploding with them. It was absolute euphoria. I don't know what happy chemicals were involved, but I was high as a kite.
After a while the intensity calmed down, and I was completely serene, albeit still high. There were lights swirling around me. I was in the ocean again, appraching land. I stood on the seabed, watching the land. It was barren, with low conifer plants and little more. I could feel my body both there and in my bed. I think I got lost in some fantasy or dream, because when I suddenly heard the voice of my guide I was startled.
In retrospect I realized that I had made a tour through all the elements.
I was still flooded with happy chemicals of different sorts, so I barely slept. When I closed my eyes, brights lights were swirling around and my body felt light. I was still high as a kite when I woke up in the morning, throughout breakfast and walking to my yoga class, and in the beginning of the yoga class. The asanas were challenging and my body was tired so during the practice that I didn't feel high anymore. However, at the end of the class, in shavasana, I was floating among multicolored swirls. Walking from the class, I suddenly felt first really exhausted and then shaky. I thought I might end up in a fetal position due to withdrawal symptoms because my body had depleted its supply of happy chemicals (been there before). I decided to sit down in a park under a tree to write up this report and get grounded, and so I did. Now I feel almost normal, but I'm starving. I also think I may need to digest my experiences in silence for a while. It was all good (more than good, obviously), but I may need to integrate it.
Tonight I'm going into an online Dzogchen retreat (zoom) with Lama Lena.
Siavash ', modified 2 Years ago at 5/3/20 6:40 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/3/20 6:40 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 1513 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 5/3/20 7:51 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/3/20 7:51 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 5/3/20 9:42 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/3/20 9:42 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 5/3/20 2:56 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/3/20 2:56 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 5/3/20 4:38 PM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/3/20 4:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Careful, that Clear Light is the exit door.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 5/7/20 6:00 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/7/20 6:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 6297 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts---
This first online retreat has now ended, the Dzogchen retreat with Lama Lena. Another one starts tomorrow, with Catherine McGee and Yanai Postelnik. I have to take a break inbetween to attend to a family emergency of sorts tomorrow morning so I might as well write up my log today and attend to my research data and do my laundry and so on. And deal with all sorts of other emergencies coming up at an alarming speed. The universe doesn't seem to want me to be in retreat today.
Dream yoga was part of this retreat and I had one of those dreams that was lucid in the sense that I knew it was a dream but I was still running along with its content. I dreamt that we were a bunch of people doing it together. We astral projected to Manhattan for some strange reason. I have been there once and I hated it because of sensory overload and food poisening. In the dream there were much less people outside and they weren't selling those stinking sausages in every corner. The air was cleaner. It was quite managable. I got a good look at the Chrysler building as we were flying along one of the avenues. Some young girl was upset about just being a character in a movie. I explained the Dharmatta to her.
Tonight I woke up in some altered state again, like I was the clear light.
Yesterday was the most challenging day. I was in reobservation and I doubted the uselfulness of being in retreat and couldn't sitt still and focus, and I broke the silence (which ironically brought back the sense of space, temporarily). So finally I took an ashtanga yoga class instead, which helped. Spaciousness arose. The concluding dharma talk was the best one on the whole retreat, even though the lama thought it might be too complicated for those of us who are new to Dzogchen. It's not like Dzogchen is so different from other practices. Most participants seem to have been doing the preliminaries for a decade or so, which is basically Theravadan basics. True Dzogchen begins with the kind of practice that is providing the necessary conditions for flipping that same switch that Theravadan paths are all about too. It just isn't accessible until somewhere around late second path or early third path, I think, and that's why people do the preliminaries, which are basically a combination of concentration, insight and morality work. Dzogchen is one name for the practice of first finding and then gradually flipping the switch.
The other days I have been connecting with tawa quite a lot. It feels more reliable now, like close to rigpa at times. One of the days it was just there effortlessly for hours. However, I have had phases like that before, and they faded. There is still all too much confusion and contractions for this to be third path. It's still flipping back and forth. The stress today grabs me too much for this to be it, so that's a reality check. I need to be patient and honest and acknowledge my limitations.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Years ago at 5/8/20 6:03 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 5/8/20 6:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 8
Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsYeah, that's what i was getting at. Practice makes perfect. Remember to Surrender On a Dime, that's the key, i'm told
and she ran away screaming. You explained it too frankly. A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. Never lead with dukha.
we talked about this, kid. You said you wouldn't say anything about this until all sentient beings are saved. Now, what's left? Your candle is fucking snuffed. Nice fucking job, you selfish, self-saved anatta yogini.
Clear Light indeed. I WARNED you.
This is good, just keep slogging through this shit and maybe nobody will notice that you've become the Clear Fucking Light Herself.
love, tim