Niels's practice log

Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/6/20 8:20 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/6/20 2:34 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Papa Che Dusko 7/6/20 9:10 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 7/6/20 11:23 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/6/20 2:33 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Pepe · 7/6/20 3:35 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/7/20 5:10 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/7/20 5:08 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Pepe · 7/7/20 8:04 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/7/20 1:01 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/7/20 1:06 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 7/7/20 1:23 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Papa Che Dusko 7/7/20 1:35 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/7/20 6:08 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/8/20 3:20 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/8/20 5:19 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/8/20 11:49 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Papa Che Dusko 7/8/20 12:07 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 7/8/20 12:10 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 7/8/20 1:13 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/9/20 2:52 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/8/20 4:53 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/9/20 5:27 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/9/20 12:56 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 7/9/20 1:03 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/10/20 1:34 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/10/20 2:45 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Papa Che Dusko 7/10/20 3:00 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/10/20 5:02 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/10/20 5:08 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Papa Che Dusko 7/10/20 5:48 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/10/20 8:24 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Papa Che Dusko 7/10/20 9:19 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 7/10/20 11:44 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/10/20 12:33 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Pepe · 7/10/20 2:08 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 7/10/20 1:55 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/11/20 4:02 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/11/20 4:06 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 7/11/20 11:10 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/12/20 4:44 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 7/12/20 11:49 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/12/20 4:10 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/13/20 8:00 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Papa Che Dusko 7/13/20 9:31 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/13/20 12:27 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Papa Che Dusko 7/14/20 2:44 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/14/20 5:04 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/14/20 5:08 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/14/20 12:36 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/15/20 5:38 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/15/20 10:00 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/15/20 4:20 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/18/20 4:16 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 7/16/20 11:45 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/16/20 1:12 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Papa Che Dusko 7/16/20 5:00 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/18/20 4:17 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/17/20 3:25 PM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 7/17/20 9:39 PM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 7/18/20 5:53 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/18/20 5:53 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/18/20 5:57 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/18/20 1:33 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/18/20 4:37 PM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 7/18/20 4:39 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/19/20 5:58 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/19/20 6:05 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 7/19/20 6:49 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/19/20 12:35 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/19/20 12:39 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/20/20 8:43 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/20/20 3:55 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/21/20 3:47 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/21/20 8:27 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/21/20 10:15 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 7/21/20 11:28 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/22/20 6:50 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/22/20 12:07 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/22/20 6:12 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/23/20 5:50 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/23/20 11:26 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/24/20 4:24 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 7/24/20 5:31 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/24/20 12:32 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/24/20 12:35 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/24/20 5:03 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/25/20 7:24 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/25/20 12:29 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/26/20 5:47 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/26/20 12:01 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Pepe · 7/26/20 12:56 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/27/20 5:51 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/27/20 1:36 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/28/20 9:08 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/28/20 10:52 AM
RE: Niels's practice log George S 7/28/20 12:25 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/29/20 7:04 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/28/20 3:41 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/29/20 7:01 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 7/29/20 7:18 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/29/20 1:05 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/29/20 7:03 PM
RE: Niels's practice log SushiK 7/30/20 2:31 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/30/20 2:47 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/30/20 4:58 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/30/20 4:36 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/31/20 8:19 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 7/31/20 3:26 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/1/20 4:23 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 8/1/20 11:58 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Olivier S 8/1/20 12:38 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 8/1/20 1:01 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/1/20 5:45 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/1/20 5:49 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/2/20 9:52 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/2/20 12:58 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/3/20 6:48 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/3/20 12:55 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 8/3/20 12:59 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/3/20 2:56 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/4/20 2:49 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/4/20 6:08 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/4/20 12:16 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/4/20 6:05 PM
RE: Niels's practice log a my les 8/4/20 8:12 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/5/20 4:27 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/5/20 10:06 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/5/20 5:16 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/6/20 4:21 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/6/20 8:01 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/6/20 1:48 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/7/20 3:34 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 8/7/20 6:32 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/7/20 10:19 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/7/20 4:47 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/8/20 1:50 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 8/8/20 5:00 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/9/20 1:51 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/10/20 2:02 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/10/20 4:16 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/11/20 4:49 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/11/20 1:59 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/12/20 2:54 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/12/20 12:29 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/13/20 2:47 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 8/13/20 6:09 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/13/20 8:17 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 8/13/20 8:47 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/14/20 3:10 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/14/20 4:21 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Martin 8/14/20 4:33 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/15/20 2:37 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/15/20 6:43 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/15/20 1:21 PM
RE: Niels's practice log George S 8/16/20 3:14 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/16/20 3:15 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/17/20 4:36 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/17/20 8:49 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/17/20 1:44 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/18/20 3:04 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/19/20 4:12 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/22/20 9:24 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 8/19/20 6:38 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/19/20 11:23 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 8/19/20 4:05 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/19/20 4:50 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/19/20 6:31 PM
RE: Niels's practice log SushiK 8/20/20 12:44 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/20/20 3:48 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/20/20 11:26 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/21/20 5:43 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Pepe · 8/21/20 8:58 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 8/22/20 11:36 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/21/20 12:14 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/22/20 9:21 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/22/20 6:58 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/23/20 5:29 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/23/20 12:10 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/23/20 4:46 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Olivier S 8/23/20 5:56 PM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 8/23/20 8:32 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/24/20 5:13 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/24/20 5:21 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/24/20 8:05 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/24/20 1:39 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/24/20 4:39 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/25/20 5:35 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/25/20 10:14 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/26/20 1:23 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/26/20 4:26 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/27/20 3:21 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/27/20 3:54 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Olivier S 8/27/20 6:54 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 8/27/20 11:54 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/27/20 12:22 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/27/20 12:25 PM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 8/27/20 2:11 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/27/20 5:30 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/28/20 3:34 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/29/20 4:41 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/29/20 11:56 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/30/20 6:42 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/30/20 11:28 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/30/20 5:45 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/31/20 4:04 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 8/31/20 6:32 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 8/31/20 12:23 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/1/20 4:11 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/1/20 12:34 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/2/20 7:23 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/2/20 1:15 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/2/20 4:46 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/3/20 3:04 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 9/3/20 6:17 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/4/20 4:39 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/4/20 4:33 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/4/20 6:39 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Olivier S 9/4/20 8:30 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 9/4/20 12:04 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/4/20 2:31 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/5/20 5:45 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 9/5/20 6:38 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/5/20 2:02 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/6/20 5:16 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 9/6/20 11:23 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/6/20 4:17 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/6/20 4:18 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/7/20 6:34 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/7/20 8:58 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Olivier S 9/7/20 9:27 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/7/20 11:24 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Brandon Dayton 9/7/20 10:05 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/7/20 11:32 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 9/7/20 10:24 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/7/20 11:34 AM
RE: Niels's practice log SushiK 9/7/20 9:02 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Tim Farrington 9/9/20 4:08 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 9/7/20 12:22 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/7/20 2:30 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/8/20 8:28 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Olivier S 9/8/20 7:20 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/9/20 2:29 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/9/20 4:09 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/9/20 2:13 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Olivier S 9/9/20 2:17 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Pepe · 9/10/20 5:54 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/10/20 4:12 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/10/20 2:40 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Sam Gentile 9/10/20 3:00 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Pepe · 9/10/20 3:32 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Brandon Dayton 9/10/20 3:45 PM
RE: Niels's practice log SushiK 9/10/20 8:23 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/21/20 12:16 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Tim Farrington 9/21/20 12:31 AM
RE: Niels's practice log SushiK 9/21/20 1:15 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Pepe · 9/21/20 8:46 AM
RE: Niels's practice log shargrol 9/22/20 6:10 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Brandon Dayton 10/1/20 4:30 PM
RE: Niels's practice log Niels Lyngsø 9/22/20 2:32 AM
RE: Niels's practice log Tommaso Tommasi 10/16/20 7:26 AM
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/6/20 8:20 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/6/20 8:20 AM

Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Hello everyone, I've decided to start a practice log. This first post is going to be quite long, providing some background info. The following posts will be sitting reports, and I will try to keep them concise emoticon.

Theoretical understanding
As most people on this forum, I am a huge fan of Daniel Ingram and his MCTB. I’ve seen every video and listened to every podcast episode with Mr. Ingram and sympathize with his approach and pragmatic dharma in general. Apart from that, I’ve read around 40 dharma books, mainly from the (modern American interpretation of the) theravada tradition. Among my favorites are Brasington’s Right Concentration, Catherine’s Focused and Fearless, Culadasa’s The Mind Illuminated, Gunarata’s Mindfulness in Plain English, Kornfield’s A Path with a Heart, Rahula’s What the Buddha Taught, and Wallace’s The Attention Revolution. I’ve skimmed through Mahasi Sayadaw’s Manual of Insight, but found it too try, except for the excellent chapter with specific instructions. I’ve read Ron Crouch’s and Kenneth Folk’s articles on The Stages of Insight and several other online descriptions of this subject. And I’ve spent days and days reading old threads here on DhO, especially practice logs written by yogis who seem to be about the same place as me on the path and also have a similar personality (striving, insecure over-achiever). This is where I have found the most useful information and the best advice regarding practice. Especially Shargrol’s advice on how to navigate from DN through EQ to SE has resonated with me and been a huge help.
 
 
Practice so far
I am 52 years old and discovered meditation relatively late in life: I got initiated to the practice in October 2017 on a Goenka retreat. Since then I’ve been meditating regularly, doing two daily hours of sitting and so far four Goenka-retreats plus some private 4-6 day retreats, so all in all about 2500 hours. The first two years it was mainly anapanasati and body scanning with the occasional metta and the occasional fire kasina. After about six months of practice I discovered Culadasas TMI and integrated that into my Goenka style practice. As of January 2020 I switched to noting (or just noticing, check my set-up below).
         Each of my retreats have had the same general course: I have hit the A&P, usually around day 3 or 4, and then gone into DN territory and back to really weird A&P: Immense clarity in the sensory field, including the 6th sense door (very few verbalized thoughts and each one with a lot of ”space” around), amazing visuals, some times even with open eyes, i.e. CGI-level hallucinations, sense of dead people being present, violent and super weird body sensations, ultra vivid dreams etc. Even though there have been some pleasant absorption-like states, I have never reach stable EQ on a retreat. On my last Goenka retreat in November 2019, my striving mind pushed too hard and I ended up in a spiritual emergency, interpreted by the surroundings as a psychotic breakdown. I wrote about it here:
 
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/16879352
 
Luckily it was a very brief incident with no bad after effects except exhaustion for a couple of weeks. My practice since then has been very gentle. The first two months afterwards I only did metta 20-60 minutes a day. In January 2020 I cautiously returned to vipassana, this time noting practice, and gradually bumped back up to two hours a day. From February onwards I have, when schedule allowed it, been doing 3-5 hours a day (this happens on average 5-7 days a month). In January I was mostly in DN territory, tough but mangeable, and in February I had my first tastes of eq during a week where I sat 4 hours a day. From April onwards I would say that I am in EQ in 90 percent of my sittings: Panoramic awareness, nothing much happening, a general sense of okayness, neutral feeling tone, usually with a slightly pleasant tint (the effortlessness is pleasant), sometimes with a slightly unpleasant tint (due to boredom and craving for ”special experiences”, SE, deep jhana etc.). The last 10 percent of the sittings I interpret as a slide back to ReObs due to striving – it is not too bad, though, sort of filtered through eq or experienced with some distance. Also off cushion I am generally chilled and balanced, not overly joyful, just content. Frustration, anger, sadness and anxiety/worries can still arise, provoqued by outer events, but are milder and subside much more quickly than before.
         So that’s where I’m at now. Of course I am dreaming about SE, reading a lot about the stages of insight. And even though I know I can’t make it happen, that it happens by itself when the time is right, and that striving is a hindrance, there still is some striving in my mind. But also patience, since the practice mostly is nice or at worst a bit boring. The challenge now seems to be to find the balance between effort and relaxation, determination and faith.
 
My set-up for one hour of practice
First I recite some inner words about my motivation and intention (”may I wake up to the benefit of all beings, may I be full of acceptance, may I surrender” etc.). Then I do some samatha to calm the mind, which usually only takes around five minutes: I do anapanasati with the spot above the upper lip and under the nostrils as object. After some minutes I gradually expand the object to include the face, head, arms, torso and legs. Then I try to include sound and visuals as well, everything that is here and now. Then I do some structured noting, inspired by Shargrol 1) a minute or two I note sensations, 2) a minute or two I note emotions and feelingtones, 3) a minute or two I note thoughts. And finally, after about 15 minutes, I switch to vipassana: If the mind is quiet and has sufficient energy, I don’t do noting, but noticing aka ”Do nothing” or ”Open awareness”. If the mind is (or get) too agitated or too dull, I do freestyle noting to keep the mindfulness steady. I call this set-up SamVip 1.1.
 
Comments and advice are more than welcome. Thank you for reading.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/6/20 2:34 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/6/20 8:24 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 6th 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Mind a bit agitated, lots of thougts, mainly practice- and map-related, and some tensions in the chest, so I noted all the way through, except for the last 10-12 minutes where thought activity suddenly dropped to almost zero, chest tensions also subsided a bit, so I just sat with open awareness. Then suddenly some remarkable activity in the visual field, which so far had been quite dull: Some bright shining blueish white figures slightly to the right, they seemed like letters, but were hazy and constantly changing so I couldn’t read them. Several minutes after the sitting there were a flickering in the right side of my (open eyes) visual field. When I turned my gaze to look directly at the flickering, it disappared and then reappeared in the perifery. General feeling of the sitting: a bit more agitation than usual, but no biggie, calm, content, a bit impatient. After sitting: content, a bit excited, perhaps due to the visual disturbance, and the eagerness to write my first posts here emoticon.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 3 Years ago at 7/6/20 9:10 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/6/20 9:10 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2670 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Nice to see you logging mate! emoticon 

It provides others with inspiration and you get feedback. You will also have more things to note like "planning thoughts" during your meditation thinking about what to log about emoticon but that is no big issue and is only food for the noting apparatus. 

I'm subbed to your log! 
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 7/6/20 11:23 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/6/20 11:23 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 1310 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
Papa Che Dusko:
Nice to see you logging mate! emoticon 

It provides others with inspiration and you get feedback. You will also have more things to note like "planning thoughts" during your meditation thinking about what to log about emoticon but that is no big issue and is only food for the noting apparatus. 

I'm subbed to your log! 

I agree. Nice to see you logging. I'm also subbed to your log!
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/6/20 2:33 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/6/20 2:24 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Thank you, guys! Good to have you here emoticon


6th of July 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

In my introductory inner words of intention and motivation, I addressed my striving mind: ”Thank you for your work, striving, you have helped me a lot. I’m good now, and you deserve a break, so just take it easy, everything is fine.” Then, as usual, samatha, structured noting and then vipassana.

A bit agitation in the beginning, but after a few minutes of freestyle noting, things calmed down, mindfulness was strong and continuous, so I switched to just sitting with open awareness, observing with no verbal notes. There was calm and the last 10-15 minutes even peacefullness.

Thoughts were few and clearly seen. Bodily sensations dominated, visual field and sounds were equally represented. Bodily sensations: The legs were not very present. The rest felt as if made by a heavy liquid with some slow wobly movements in the torso, and some bubbling and pulsations in the face and scull, especially around the mouth and nose. Also from time to time a slight tension in the skin of the face, scull, neck and arms. These bodily sensations were mostly experienced as neutral, some of them a bit painful, but there was zero reactivity. Sounds: during most of the sitting a high pitched tone in the left ear, and at a certain point a pulsating noise in the right ear (pulse not related to heartbeat, I checked). Visual field: foggy formations of weak white and yellowish light in the middle, dark in the perifery. At the beginning of the sitting some flashes of distorted faces, expressing anger, fear, revolt. There was no reactivity with regard to these images, no emotions, just disinterested observing.

Only rarely did something (a thought, a slight pain, an exterior sound) step forward to become a foreground figure, everything was mostly going on in the background. Only "big" event: At some point it was as if the visual field turned to the left, as if I had turned my head, but the proprioceptive sensations told me that my head was still facing forward. Mind managed to maintain this paradoxical self experience for about a minute, and it was examined with gentle curiousity.

The last 10-15 minutes when things got very calm, posture slowly sank, the spine was bending, face almost tilting ninety degrees forward. Since I was in do nothing mode I chose not to correct the posture. After some minutes, there was an intention to sit up straight, I did not experience it as ”my” intention, so I let it unfold, sat up straight, felt the calm and peacefullness rising to a mild joy, felt a slight smile. Then the bell rang.
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Pepe ·, modified 3 Years ago at 7/6/20 3:35 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/6/20 3:35 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 712 Join Date: 9/26/18 Recent Posts
Hi Niels! Good stuff, very interesting! I'm somewhere in the same territory, working on samatha and investigating how visuals and verbal thoughts are created. When the session seems flat/even, boring, both Nikolai and Shargrol proposed to challenge that bringing in some tough memories or thoughts. I'm working on metta/gratitude, as a related way to practice that. Other possibility I play with every now and then is to verbalize out-loud "I, Me, Mine" (a la Kim Katami) and check what happens in my head, if any tensions arise, where are they located, how long do they stay, even send then metta. Do you have other methods to share for this situation? 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 5:10 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 5:04 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Sounds like interesting strategies you are trying out, Pepe! Nice, now I have them in my tool box emoticon.

To answer your question: Self inquiry can be interesting. Let me quote Shargrol: ”
... In EQ it can be very helpful to very gently inquire: "who/what is experiencing all of this?". Not looking for a verbal answer, but rather to see what blindspots/resistances are left when we're in a state with almost no blindspots/resistances.” (From this excellent source: 
https://shargrolpostscompilation.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html).

Most of us have this sense of an ”I” somewhere behind the eyes. I have tried to locate the exact position of this ”I” using precision body scanning (which can only be done when the mind is quiet): I locate my ”anapana spot” below the nostrils, this is experienced as ”in front of me”. Then I locate a point at the back of my head, this is experienced as ”behind me”. Then I let attention travel back and forth between these two points in order to find ”the middle”, where the ”I” or ”me” should be. Spoiler alert: I have never found it emoticon. But as Shargrol says, there can be some interesting non-verbal answers. For instance the proprioceptive experience of the head can be disturbed, for instance your face and your neck can suddenly seem to be at the same place, which of course is impossible. So this is a very conrete way of trying to chase the ”I” out of the system.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 5:08 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 5:08 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 7th, first sitting, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Usual intro-stuff (see first post), including the same calming words to my striving mind as yesterday. Then vipassana: Mind was very calm and quiet and clear, so I just sat there, noticing everything. Nothing much happened.

Thoughts
were very few. One or two minutes would pass without anything recognized as thought activity, whereby I mean verbalized thougt + preverbalized thought (the sense of a voice saying something which is not articulate, and you might or might not understand it) + image thoughts (recognizable figurative images in the visual field) + pre-image thoughts (the vague sense of a figurative image that you don’t really see). Then a thought, usually practice related, or a slight craving for SE, came up, was seen and vanished.

Bodily sensations, sounds and visual field were almost equally present (bodily sensation dominating a bit). Bodily sensations: Body was soft, liquid, held itself upright (only three or four minor corrections of posture during the entire hour), no pains or tensions, no pleasurable tingling or buzzing, just this syrupy feeling of a heavy, thick liquid with some slow and gentle, wavelike movements. The border between body and surroundings was blurred, but not entirely gone. It was a bit like sitting at the bottom of the ocean: very calm and quiet and a slight, wobly pressure all over. Sounds: The few external sounds (I live in a quiet place) were noticed. Otherwise a high pitched note in my left ear, and at some point a slighly deeper high pitched note in my right ear, pulsating, around two beats per second. Visual field: A few times a flickering, vibrating net-like pattern in the bottom of the field. Otherwise just some foggy or smokelike formations of weak whitish light in the middle of the field, dark in the perifery. At some point it reversed and it was dark in the center and vague foggy light around the perifery, tunnel like, ”I” was moving forward through the tunnel. Toward the end of the sitting, it happened a couple of times that an image of candle flame popped out in the middle of the field (I have done a little fire kasina), which the mind interpreted as a sign that it should concentrate or center a bit more, so I – intentionally – focused on the flame, but it disappeared within ten seconds (no frustration or other reactivity).

”Biggest” event: At some point a thought about all my striving in the past came up, striving in meditation and in general, and there was a feeling of compassion for this striving old me. I had just a little bit of tears, even, which really stood out, since the rest of the sitting had this very stable equanimous feeling tone of neutral pleasure or slightly pleasurable neutrality.
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Pepe ·, modified 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 8:04 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 8:02 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Glad that you like Shargrol's compilation. Though I included that quote "who/what is experiencing all of this?" in the compilation, actually I find it fruitless right now. Instead, I found more useful pointing an imaginary finger from the chin up to the center of the head. Or imagining that my eyes are ears (as ears don't make any effort to hear sounds, while we usually strain the eyes, as that's closely related to thoughts/conceptual mind).

Also, the "I, Me, Mine" points you to a tense spot in the middle of the brain, along the vertical axis where the Crown Chakra is (a the top). I usually find that tense spot somewhere along the segment that starts right behind the eyes and ends at the Crown Chakra. The thing is that (in my case), the dissolving of that tense spot doesn't trigger SE or an unknow event or else. So there's more work to be done in my case.

Another unusual Self-Inquiry method comes from Shinzen Young, where you spot shallow/deep vanishings (in body, sounds and visuals) and abide in it. It's similar to seeing between frames usually mentioned in Theravada or spoting gaps in the vibrational perception of the subtle mindstream (Shargrol mentions that too in his posts). Though Shinzen offers this method for the whole ñana arc, it makes more sense in High EQ (a place I'm not there yet). 

I'm following your log, so I'll chime in if I find something useful to say. Best wishes! 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 1:01 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 1:01 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Thanks for your comments, Pepe. Interesting emoticon. I totally forgot that it was you who compiled the Shargrol comments. Thanks for that, that was very helpful to me. I was actually sifting through his responses to different yogis when you chose to do that, so we were in sync with our needs. I am following your log as well and will chime in there if I think I have something useful to say. Best wishes to you too!
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 1:06 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 1:06 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 7th, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Usual intro-stuff (see first post), still with some calming words to my striving. Then vipassana: Mindfulness was weak due to dullness, lots of thoughts (just random shit with no emotional charge), so I chose to freestyle note.

After maybe fifteen minutes, dullness was getting worse, so I opened my eyes to bring up the energy. I stared at the little thumbtack I have placed in the white wall in front of me as a kasina, and mind was very interested in this new visual input, energy went up, curiosity came. There were some colorshifts in the white wall, it was shimmering, and shortly after there was a flickering or vibratory quality to most of the visual field. The dot in the middle disappeared and reappeared just after, and then suddenly seemed to move a couple of centimeters upwards. It was a stroboscopic, insect-like way of moving, and there was a weak fear response, felt in the stomach. Now the energy seemed too high, there was agitation, noting was getting hectic, couldn’t keep up, so I chose to stop noting and just sit with open awareness. A couple of minutes later I closed my eyes again. Visual field at first chaotic, then calmed down, got dark and amorphous. Sound
: When the energy was high, the usual high pitched tone in my ear was also vibrating, although not in sync with the vibrations in the visual field. Bodily sensations: All the way through body was soft and like a heavy liquid with some slightly unpleasant pressure in the surface (no reactivity to the unpleasantness). The pressure was bubbling or pulsating here and there at different speeds. It could be compared to sitting on the bottom of the ocean with a bit of turbulence or bypassing gentle undercurrents in the water, heterogeneous as oppposed to the homogenous feeling of the first sitting today, but still far from violent or chaotic. Things never got quite calm and still, though, and even though thoughts subsided a bit towards the end, they were present all the way through.

When the bell rang, there was a slight disappointment that the sitting had not been as peacefull as the first one today. And then disappointment about the disappointment – since it was a sign of striving. There was nothing unpleasant worth mentioning about this sitting, I told myself, the general feeling was still calm and okayness, but the striving yogi had apparently wished for a different experience emoticon.
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 1:23 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 1:23 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 1310 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
Niels Lyngsø:
July 7th, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Usual intro-stuff (see first post), still with some calming words to my striving. Then vipassana: Mindfulness was weak due to dullness, lots of thoughts (just random shit with no emotional charge), so I chose to freestyle note.

After maybe fifteen minutes, dullness was getting worse, so I opened my eyes to bring up the energy. I stared at the little thumbtack I have placed in the white wall in front of me as a kasina, and mind was very interested in this new visual input, energy went up, curiosity came. There were some colorshifts in the white wall, it was shimmering, and shortly after there was a flickering or vibratory quality to most of the visual field. The dot in the middle disappeared and reappeared just after, and then suddenly seemed to move a couple of centimeters upwards. It was a stroboscopic, insect-like way of moving, and there was a weak fear response, felt in the stomach. Now the energy seemed too high, there was agitation, noting was getting hectic, couldn’t keep up, so I chose to stop noting and just sit with open awareness. A couple of minutes later I closed my eyes again. Visual field at first chaotic, then calmed down, got dark and amorphous. Sound
: When the energy was high, the usual high pitched tone in my ear was also vibrating, although not in sync with the vibrations in the visual field. Bodily sensations: All the way through body was soft and like a heavy liquid with some slightly unpleasant pressure in the surface (no reactivity to the unpleasantness). The pressure was bubbling or pulsating here and there at different speeds. It could be compared to sitting on the bottom of the ocean with a bit of turbulence or bypassing gentle undercurrents in the water, heterogeneous as oppposed to the homogenous feeling of the first sitting today, but still far from violent or chaotic. Things never got quite calm and still, though, and even though thoughts subsided a bit towards the end, they were present all the way through.

When the bell rang, there was a slight disappointment that the sitting had not been as peacefull as the first one today. And then disappointment about the disappointment – since it was a sign of striving. There was nothing unpleasant worth mentioning about this sitting, I told myself, the general feeling was still calm and okayness, but the striving yogi had apparently wished for a different experience emoticon.

Another brilliant post with such attention to detail. My teacher wanted me to up the specifity of my log so I must admit I stole a few of your ideas emoticon You're welcome to look at my latest post and offer any feedback
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 1:35 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 1:35 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2670 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
This is awesome stuff Niels emoticon love the way you shift those gears to adjust the energy, eyes closed then open etc ... inspiring read! So many tools on our disposal emoticon use what ever works just to keep the stream of noticing unbroken. Im now using your tip with standing meditation when sitting brings the energy way too low and in tandem restlessness kicks in. Standing up just for a few minutes usually works great and then I sit down again. 

That thing with how we prefer (desire) one experience and dislike (aversion) another experience etc is an interesting thing to watch also. I ask myself often off the cushion "why do I prefer/value one expereince over another one ?" , without going for an answer but rather just having an open wonder like curiosity. There is also on cushion the pull/desire/seeking towards Jhana absorptions and even here I can ask "why is THIS (what ever this might be) not enough, why desire for jhanic absorption?"

Be well!
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 6:08 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/7/20 6:08 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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7/7 2020, third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, sat without timer for 70 minutes.

Sat around midnight, dark out, silence in the house. Very quiet mind, strong and stable mindfulness, so after the intro (see first post), I went directly to open awareness-practice.

Body
sensations: Body soon became very still, self-held, almost like a mild paralysis, and liquid-like. I had no experience of doing anything or making any effort to keep it upright and still, it was floating by itself, again as if sitting on the bottom of the ocean. Slight pressure in the perifery of the entire body, weakest in the legs, strongest in the face and head. A little slow paced bubbling and pulsating here and there. Feeling tone totally neutral. No change in this from around five minutes in and during the rest of the sitting. Sound: High pitched note in both ears. Slight movements in volume. Visual field: Dark with some amorphuos movements. From time to time flashes of distorted faces, some of them my own, expressing terror, grief, madness. Also some skulls and fragments of faces, especially nostrils and mouths, mainly my own. There was zero emotional reactivity to these horror movie-images, mind saw them, but did not become involved at all, except maybe twice (see below). Thoughts: Apart from these image thoughts, there were very little activity in the mental sense door. No mumbling or chatter, but from time to time, minutes apart, a very clearly articulated sentence: ”The center cannot hold!”, for instance. Or (spoken with Shinzen Young’s voice) ”You are the only one not getting the joke!”. Biggest events: A couple of times the mind by itself made some sort of self inquiery, i.e. tried to find the ”I” or ”me” spot in the middle of the head. A focused attention moved around inside the head, and that created some strong pulsations in the back of the head, just around the surface of the skull, maybe 8-10 centimeters below the crown. Each time this happened, there were also scary faces in the visual field, and twice a weak sense of fear that I could not locate in any sensation.

I could easily have sat another hour when I decided to stop and get some sleep. I estimated that I had sat for around 45 minutes, but it turned out to be 70, so there was some time distortion as well. After the sitting: very calm, neutral, not really sleepy, but very relaxed.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 3:20 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 3:20 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Off cushion:

This morning I kept wondering where the phrase "The center cannot hold!" came from. I thought it might be Shakespeare, so I googled it. It wasn't, it was William Butler Yeats, a famous poem. I don't recall having read it, but I very well might have some thirty years ago when I studied comparative literature and devoured lots and lots of poetry. Here it is:

The Second Coming

Turning and turning in the widening gyre   
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere   
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst   
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.   
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out   
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert   
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,   
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,   
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it   
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.   
The darkness drops again; but now I know   
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,   
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,   
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 5:19 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 5:19 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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8th of July 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Off cushion remark: Had difficulty falling asleep after my midnight sitting. First couple of hours were like very light sleep or continuation of the meditation. Woke up with a slight fear/anxiety in the system, couldn’t figure out what I was afraid of.

The sitting: Fear disappeared during the samatha warm up, but mind was slightly agitated all the way through. Thoughts
were present almost all the time, now and then maybe ten seconds without thoughts. They never got hectic or loopy and were seen clearly. Most of them were related to pratice and logging. There was a slight aversion towards them, the striving yogi wanted silence. Bodily sensations: As usual the dominant sense modality. Body felt again like heavy liquid, a pressure in its surface building slowly the first twenty minutes or so and then stabilizing. Pressure was experienced as neutral or sometimes slightly unpleasant, but there was no reactivity towards it. A little bubbling and pulsations, especially in the face and head, mouth area in particular. One time there was a sudden pulsation in the middle of the chest, remarkable since everything else was quite still, beating 3-4 times a second for maybe half a minute. This was happening while there was also some tactile activity in the middle of the head, interpreted as mind searching for the ”I” or ”me” spot. Sort of redirecting attention to the heart region, as if saying ”perhaps this is where ’I’ is at”. Visual field: Most of the time only amorphous background activity, nothing much stood out as foreground. Sometimes a little bright flickering or some sparks. Mind was not interested in the visuals, they were just noticed. Sound: high pitched notes in both ears, one slightly higher tuned than the other. Sometimes a little pulsation or change of volume. No reactivity to these sensations either, no interest. Biggest event: Several times mind seemed to try to coordinate visual field and proprioceptive sensations of the head, resulting in the experience that the visual field as a whole turned and tilted a bit, and then moved closer to ”me”, so that it was no longer placed ”at the end of the eyes” as usual, but more in the middle of the head or almost behind it. Also it got bigger, as if I was not just seeing with my eyes, but with my entire face. General feeling: ease, calm, slight but steady agitation due to thoughts and the mild aversion towards them. Also some boredom now and then. At bit ”meh”, but at the same time totally okay.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 11:49 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 11:49 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
8th of July 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Off cushion remark: Had some anger in the system (for no good reason) just before the sitting.

The sitting started out with a wellknown combo of dullness and agitation/restlessness, mindfulness was weak, and so there were distractions during the introductory samatha and some aversion to the distractions (striving yogi, once again). I freestyle noted, energy was still low, got even lower after 5-7 minutes, so I opened my eyes to energize the system, stared at my little kasina dot. Pretty soon there was shimmering and fast colorshifts of the white wall (to blueish white and to a quite intens pinkish red that stabilized for half a minut). Mind was interested, energy went up, I dropped the noting, went to open awareness. Mind started craving more fancy visuals, so I shut the eyes again. Still some agitation, so I resumed noting. Some irritation, a wish for the bell to ring. Aversion against thoughts. The last ten minutes or so, things quite suddenly settled down, thoughts subsided, there was contentment, okayness. Sound
: All the way through high pitched notes in both ears with some variations in volume. Biggest event: Towards the end when things were quiet, some self inquiery began, the question ”where are you?” arose. As a sort of answer, the visual field turned to the left, almos ninety degrees, as if I really turned my head. Which I didn’t. Mind worked on compromising between the conflicting input as to how my head was situated, and there was pulsation at the back of my head. Now, the striving yogi was satisfied, this was good practice! Then the bell rang, and I almost gave in to the striving yogi who wanted to continue, but I stopped and wrote this log in stead.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 12:07 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 12:04 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Nice one emoticon it's funny how we get content when silence kicks in and concentration is strong and not really the other way around emoticon Ha! How come? Who is this preferring one experience over another ? emoticon The same can be applied off the cushion. That urge to push away what caused aversion and cling to that which I desire. That constant push and pull of our lifeing. emoticon 

That is worth investigating (just watching with gentle curiosity). 

Great stuff min ven! 
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 12:10 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 12:10 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Nice one again! Nice level of detail. You ROCK! emoticon
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 1:13 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 1:13 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Niel,

I have a question to ask you based on your experiences in this log. You write this about searching for the "I": "A couple of times the mind by itself made some sort of self inquiery, i.e. tried to find the ”I” or ”me” spot in the middle of the head. A focused attention moved around inside the head, and that created some strong pulsations in the back of the head, just around the surface of the skull, maybe 8-10 centimeters below the crown"

The reason why I ask the following question is because I use the Waking Up meditation app by Sam Harris and in his 20 minute daily meditation that I use at night he very often asks the meditator to briefly "look back at what's looking" or "finding the center" or "see if you can find the thinker." Can you help me with these types of self-inquiry based on what you wrote above? Thanks.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/9/20 2:52 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 3:25 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Hey Sam

When there's an itch on your thigh, you probably instinctively experience it as "down there on the thigh". If there is a pulsation on the top of your head, it's "up there on the head". The question is: Where is this centerpoint located, from which all other places in the body and world are defined? For some people it's somewhere in the chest, but for most people it's somewhere in the middle of the head. Try to use bodyscan technique and locate a point between your eyes and a point at the back of your head. Switch the attention from one point to the other and back. Try to drive attention through your head from front to back and see if you can locate the middle, i.e. the place in the "control tower" from where everything seems to be observed. Please let me know if you find this point – a point that is not observed, but observing. Can you observe the observing point? My guess is you wont find it, but the interesting thing is the nonverbal answers that this little exercise produces. You can also search from the crown chakra and downwards. Have a playful, curious attitude, have fun with it, experiment, search, see what happens – and report, if you like emoticon Good luck! - Niels.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 4:53 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/8/20 4:53 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
8th of July 2020, third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Off cushion remark: Began at 22:30 with low energy.

This sitting was characterized by massive dullness from the get go, so I freestyle noted – or tried to – all the way through. Around half of the notes were ”dullness”. After maybe 20 minutes I opened my eyes due to the dullness, and after 30 minutes I also stood up and and did standing meditation for the remaining approximately 30 minutes. But in spite of these measures I took to counteract the dullness, it was unusually strong, I literally fought to keep my eyes open, forgot to note again and again, lost mindfulness completely for several seconds, even when standing with open eyes – don’t think this has ever happened to me before. There were very few thoughts and no frustration, no aversion against this massive hindrance. Nothing particular going on in the visual field, the usual highpitched notes in the ears and some uninteresting external sounds, both sounds and visuals were in the far background, not pulling attention at all, attention was with dullness. There were seveal dropouts of mindfulness, but around 90 percent of the time, I observed dullness through a heavy haze, I was calm and kind to myself, had this sort of clear awareness behind the dullness, watching these heavy eyelids slid down, and the meditator pushing them up again, watching the open eyes lose focus, watching the body being mostly comfortable, although with a bit of backpain and a pressure in the surface of the body that sometimes bordered on unpleasant. General feeling tone all the way through: neutral, okayness. I was and am surprised that there was no aversion present – maybe the striving yogi was asleep?
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/9/20 5:27 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/9/20 5:27 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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July 9th, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Energy high and stable all the way through, effortless and continuous mindfulness, so I did freestyle noting for some minutes, then switched to open awareness, calmly just noticing, only interfering now and then.

Body
was pleasantly soft and painfree, again like a heavy liquid or gel, with some soft wobly movements here and there. Some pressure at the upper parts of the arms and in the face and head + pulsations mainly in the face, particularly the mouth area. Thoughts: During the introductory samatha, where there were still a gentle stream of thoughts, the noting voice suddenly by itself went off and said ”thougts-thoughts-thoughts…” very rapidly and mechanically, and then the thoughts disappeared, but the noting voice just continued. I tried to stop it by having another voice saying ”stop!” Now the two voices were fighting, and awareness apparently decided to let these idiots fight it out by themselves and kind of left them behind, and then everything got very quiet. There were still some thougts now and then, almost all of them practice- or logging-related. Visual field: Nothing particular happened in the visual field this time, some foggy whitish light, mind was not interested. Sound: About ten minutes in, mind discovered an unevenly pulsating high pitched note in the left ear, it sounded like Morse code on a radio, and mind got quite interested (I don’t understand Morse code), that sensation continued all the way and pulled attention many times during the sitting. Each time, I let attention investigate, observed it investigating. And some point there was a continuous external sound, and some questions arose: Why is the Morse code ”inside” my head and that other sound ”outside”? How do I know? What is the difference, where is the borderline between inside and outside? etc. Events: 1) At some point there was an investigation of the relationship between the visual field and the proprioceptive experience of the head. The head shortly felt totally transparent, as if it was floating in the visual field, or as if the visual field was floating somewhere in the middle of the head. At some point it was as if I was seeing with the entire left side of my face. There was a mild interest in these investigations, but not as much as the Morse code. At some point during these investigations, there was a remarkable pulse right at the crown, helicopter rotorblade-like, 3-4 beats per second. Mind found that very interesting and sent attention there, but then it disappeared. 2) At the end of sitting the thought came (inspired by remarks by Papa Che, so thank you, Papa!): Why are these slightly odd experiences interesting? Why are some sensations more interesting than others? Am I clinging, grasping for them? Can I find something which is not interesting? So, I looked around, did a quick bodyscan, investigated the visual field, and it turned out that everything I looked at, seemed to be equally interesting. A few minutes later, the bell rang. General feeling of the entire sitting: somewhere between mildly pleasant and neutral, calm, but not entirely peaceful. I think the interest created a tiny urge, a microscopic sense that some little thing was not quite right, which sort of hindered a feeling of deep peacefulness. But very calm and quiet it was.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/9/20 12:56 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/9/20 12:56 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 9th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Energy was between medium and high and went a little up and down during the sitting, so I switched between freestyle noting when it was lower and just open awareness when it was high enough to maintain decently continuous mindfulness. A couple of times there was a sneaky drop in energy when I was sitting with open awareness, I didn’t lose mindfulness entirely, but there were some dreamlike dialogue and images going on, and I sort of pulled my self up so as to not fall asleep and began noting.

Body
was overall easy, although there was a little backpain at some point, otherwise the (these days) usual liquid or gel like body with some pressure in the surface, neutral in tone. Also, in this sitting, some pleasant tingling in the top of the head, sometimes entire scull and face. A few corrections of posture as body was not entirely comfortable all the way (back pain, lower back). Visual field: Nothing much happened, dark and amorphous, 3-4 times a scary face popped out of the dark haze, but there was zero reactivity and no interest. Sound: a quite loud highpitched note in the left ear, slight variations in volume. ”Biggest” event: At some point I remembered this thing about interest that I wrote about in the log of this morning’s sitting, so I compared the sound in the ear (which the mind was slighly drawn to and liked) and the back pain (which the mind had a little aversion to). I switched attention back and forth between these to objects, but mind didn’t change its mind (sic), it still preferred the ”interesting” sound, and I couldn’t localize this interest or preference or craving/aversion. Overall feeling: chill and okay and a little meh.
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 7/9/20 1:03 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/9/20 1:03 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Niels Lyngsø:
July 9th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Energy was between medium and high and went a little up and down during the sitting, so I switched between freestyle noting when it was lower and just open awareness when it was high enough to maintain decently continuous mindfulness. A couple of times there was a sneaky drop in energy when I was sitting with open awareness, I didn’t lose mindfulness entirely, but there were some dreamlike dialogue and images going on, and I sort of pulled my self up so as to not fall asleep and began noting.

Body
was overall easy, although there was a little backpain at some point, otherwise the (these days) usual liquid or gel like body with some pressure in the surface, neutral in tone. Also, in this sitting, some pleasant tingling in the top of the head, sometimes entire scull and face. A few corrections of posture as body was not entirely comfortable all the way (back pain, lower back). Visual field: Nothing much happened, dark and amorphous, 3-4 times a scary face popped out of the dark haze, but there was zero reactivity and no interest. Sound: a quite loud highpitched note in the left ear, slight variations in volume. ”Biggest” event: At some point I remembered this thing about interest that I wrote about in the log of this morning’s sitting, so I compared the sound in the ear (which the mind was slighly drawn to and liked) and the back pain (which the mind had a little aversion to). I switched attention back and forth between these to objects, but mind didn’t change its mind (sic), it still preferred the ”interesting” sound, and I couldn’t localize this interest or preference or craving/aversion. Overall feeling: chill and okay and a little meh.

Nice! emoticon I've had two straight days of complete utter wanting to leap off the cushion. Do you have any experience with Dukka Nana 10? Could you give me some feedback on my log?
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 1:34 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 1:34 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Dear Sam, I am not very experienced, definitely pre-stream entry, but I think I know the 10th nana a little, and I will give you feedback as best I can emoticon
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 2:45 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 1:36 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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July 9th 2020, third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 40 minutes without a timer (I sat after midnight and went straight to bed so I am logging the next morning).

Strong, stable and continuous mindfulness, so I went straight to open awareness after the intro stuff (see first post).

Body
was very calm and relaxed, painfree, slightly wobly as a gel and at the same time felt "held" or "locked" as if it sat upright completely by itself. Thoughts almost absent, a wispy preverbal thought now and then, and a few practice related, more clear thoughts, but otherwise really quiet. Visual field quite dark and amorphous. At some point I opened my eyes, the room was dark, and I live in the countryside, so there was almost no difference between closed and open eyes. Visual field got sort of more clear when I opened my eyes, but was still dark, almost pitch black. After a few seconds, a steady and symmetrical pattern of dark grey roses grew up in the lower half of the field. Mind got interested, found them beautiful, they had this otherworldly quality. I let mind examine the pattern for about a minute, then decided to close my eyes again, as to not give in to the minds interest aka grasping. The pattern disappeared. Some minutes went by with very little happening. Then the only sound I heard, a highpitched note in my left ear, slowly began to vibrate slightly. It was almost a steady tone, only if I listened as attentively as I could, could I hear the vibration. Mind was interested in the vibration, so again, I backed attention off, tried to ”do nothing”, not control attention, keep awareness entirely open. Still the vibration could be heard, but it was unclear to me if it was in the periferal awareness or if there was some sort of focused attention on it. Some minutes later I felt a slight drop in energy and decided to stop meditating since it was late. Could easily have sat much longer.

General feeling: Eventless, peaceful, calm, mild contentment and some sort of steady or stable high intensity. Felt like a very ”deep” meditation, but since I don’t have much experience with absorption states, I hesitate to categorize it.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 3:00 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 3:00 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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"After a few seconds, a steady and symmetrical pattern of dark grey roses grew up in the lower half of the field. Mind got interested, found them beautiful, they had this otherworldly quality. I let mind examine the pattern for about a minute, then decided to close my eyes again, as to not give in to the minds interest aka grasping."

Let me suggest a different approach which you can feel free to ignore of course. 
You say "as to not give into the minds interest aka grasping". 

Mind being interested is a good thing. It gives energy and focus, curiosity, wonder ... 
I don't say you should desire to get these roses each sit emoticon and if you do then keep watching that desire instead. 
When absorption starts developing in the visuals be interested in it but also note any other aspect while seeing the roses being dynamic. If they are beautiful then where in the body is this sense and feeling. Also these visuals are supporting Samatha and yet there still is knowing of any other experience that's arising like numbness in lower back, some itch on the head, dry lips, swallowing of the spit, rise and fall of the abdomen , hearing a noise etc ... 

Let the image space absorption present itself, do watch it but also while it's happening keep noting other arising experiences too. It's all there, I prefer none of those but I welcome and accept them all. 

Don't worry about which number this Jhana has. Look at it the same way you look at an itch. As that is the Awakening part and the rest is Aboutism and Lost in Content.

Here is another spin;
Who is this one that desires to know what number Jhana this is? There is this meditator/sense of self/striver/achiever that keeps snatching at things, wanting then not wanting etc ... I guess we all must go through the important faze of "burning out" this Striving Dancer and come to the point of being sick and tired of it ALL and just be with what Is, be it a bliss or an itch. 

But practice makes perfect so please ignore all I've said and just keep at it emoticon 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 5:02 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 5:02 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Thanks for your remarks, mate! They are very helpful! You are absolutely right that I should distinguish between interest/curiosity, which is a good and energizing thing in itself, and desire/craving for specific experiences, even for curiousity emoticon Good point, I'll try to keep that in mind. And I actually don't care too much which jhana it might be, if any, I don't feel that that's important right now. But at some point I would like to find out and become better at categorizing absorption states, among other things because I might one day want to write another book about meditation, and when – if! – I do, it would be nice to be able to be precise. But that's in the future, I don't worry too much about that now. Thanks again for you comment, awesome to have some feedback! emoticon
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 5:08 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 5:05 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 10th 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness steady all the way through, no drops into dullness, energy went up to quite clear mindfulness the last twenty minutes or so. I had doubts whether I should note or just do open awareness, so I switched back and forth between the two. Sometimes when I sat in open awareness (i.e. with the intention to do nothing), noting started by itself, sporadicly, noting mainly thougts and interests, and I let that happen, although I probably could have stopped it.

Thoughts
: This sporadic thought activity (mainly practice related thoughts) and the ”negotiations” with it – note or just notice? – dominated the first half hour or so. Vibration: Then things got more quiet. And then mind discovered a very very subtle vibration and took a lot of interest in it. I have read about vibrations in (high) EQ, so it might be my striving mind being interested in this ”good sign of good practice”, it might even be scripting, but what’s the difference between imagining that you sense a very subtle vibration and actually sensing it? (These thoughts were also present in the sitting). Anyway, I’ll try to describe the vibration: It was extremely subtle and it took all my attention power to detect it, it was at the limit of detection. It had the quality of a very very distant helicopter rotorblade or tumble dryer or earth quake, a sort of trembling, at a rate of about 15-20 herz/ beats per second, maybe faster (I could try to compare to some YouTube metronomes to determine it more precisely). It was unclear to me if it was a tactile or auditory experience or both (visual field did not seem to vibrate), and it was located somewhere behind me, I felt it at the upper part of the back, the back of the head and especially the backside of the ears. This vibration was intensely examined for many minutes. At some point a highpitched note arose in my left ear, low volume but undoubtedly there, and also with a very subtle vibration at about the same rate. Sounded like glass jingling or clinking or chinking (not sure what the right english word is), as it can do when a heavy vehicle drives by your house. This sound was also thoroughly examined for several minutes. Then the bell rang.

General feeling: ease, contentment, okayness, and then this quite intense but still somehow calm interest, as if mind knew that if it got too excited it would not be able to examine.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 5:48 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 5:48 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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"it might even be scripting, but what’s the difference between imagining that you sense a very subtle vibration and actually sensing it? (These thoughts were also present in the sitting). "

I find it's very easy to remove any doubt by using word Certainty. I note Hearing-certainty, eyesight blip-uncertainty, touching-certainty, ear frequency-certainty, etc ... 

I usually throw low tumbling drumming frequencies into the DN bin emoticon Not sure how to track ear frequency through stages/states. 

What did you read about frequencies in EQ? I'm interested. 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 8:24 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 8:24 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Vibrations, not frequencies! It is Ron Crouch in his excellent article on the stages of insight:

"In high equanimity the meditator moves from 'just sitting' to noticing a subtle and pervasive sense that the objects of meditation are vibrating. For example, you notice an itch on your cheek and it seems as if it is composed of thousands of fizzing bubbles rather than a single thing called an 'itch' […] As this experience matures another important shift occurs, and it is a very subtle one: it no longer seems as if the objects alone are vibrating, but rather that the entire field of awareness itself is vibrating."

I highly recommend this article if you haven't read it already. emoticon
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 9:19 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 9:19 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Oh ok my bad sorry emoticon for some reason I thought about the ear frequency. 

I guess all this perceiving of EQ stage experience can be rather personal. Or maybe depending on the depth of concentration and personal sensitivity. I find that image space just flattens out after the murk is gone and diffused focus is all inclusive. All feeling tone is either neutral or borderline. Sense of "self" moves away from the usual "head space" and can't be really placed in any particular body part. 

But I never mastered this stuff nor did I ever aspire to master this. I just desire the awakening part and have a funky feeling it's possible without mastering all this. I might be wrong of course. 
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 11:44 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 11:44 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Papa Che Dusko:
Oh ok my bad sorry emoticon for some reason I thought about the ear frequency. 

I guess all this perceiving of EQ stage experience can be rather personal. Or maybe depending on the depth of concentration and personal sensitivity. I find that image space just flattens out after the murk is gone and diffused focus is all inclusive. All feeling tone is either neutral or borderline. Sense of "self" moves away from the usual "head space" and can't be really placed in any particular body part. 

But I never mastered this stuff nor did I ever aspire to master this. I just desire the awakening part and have a funky feeling it's possible without mastering all this. I might be wrong of course. 
You two are talking over my head but its good to see you both supporting each other this way emoticon
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 12:33 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 12:33 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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July 10th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Energy was very low. Already during the initial samatha, I lost mindfulness several times due to dullness. Freestyle noting was difficult due to more and more dullness, sleepiness, I forgot to note, drifted off. Opened my eyes, they shut again by them selves. Did not have the energy to put in sufficient effort to counteract the dullness. After maybe 45 minutes the thought finally came that I should get up and do standing meditation, which I usually do when dullness fucks with the mindfulness, so I got up, energy went up, sensations got clearer, noting stabilized. I switched to open awareness, energy still seemed okay. I sat down again, energy began to tank again, then the bell rang. No frustration to this very dull and insignificant sitting, though. Generel feeling still a-okay.
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Pepe ·, modified 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 2:08 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 1:52 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Niels Lyngsø:

 Vibration: It was extremely subtle and it took all my attention power to detect it, it was at the limit of detection. It had the quality of a very very distant helicopter rotorblade or tumble dryer or earth quake, a sort of trembling, at a rate of about 15-20 herz/ beats per second, maybe faster ... It was unclear to me if it was a tactile or auditory experience or both (visual field did not seem to vibrate), and it was located somewhere behind me, I felt it at the upper part of the back, the back of the head and especially the backside of the ears ... At some point a highpitched note arose in my left ear, low volume but undoubtedly there, and also with a very subtle vibration at about the same rate. Sounded like glass jingling or clinking or chinking ... 

That looks like Kundalini. It matches my experience. In my case there was also a very long frequency vibration that circled all the body (instead of up and down, as in Taoist Macrocosmic Orbit, it was a left to right orbit). Check if your neck isn't straight enough, so as to let the energy flow freely. That may be causing the glass jingling thing. Before meditation, massage the area where the column touches the Occipital Bone. 

That energy rise would probably fire another A&P Event and though it may be amazing or even educational, it's not what is suggested to be done in EQ. All in all, It shouldn't be a problem, unless you have been going back to Re-Orbservation lately. 

Instead, you should be trying to see gaps in that vibration (see Shargrol's On Vibrations and EQ, the floating peanut & mindstream of thoughts). You may be interested in Kenneth Folk's "The Wheel". It's about perceiving vibrations in the Third Eye and then lower slowly the attention towards the horizon until a sweet spot is found where vibrations can still be felt, but without effort. Is getting absorbed into the vibration and looking for the big vanishings (see Shinzen Young's Gone pages 95-99) in the random vibrations. Added: In my case, I need more concentration power to spot those gaps, and for that I need more acceptance, thus I'm working on Metta emoticon 
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 1:55 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/10/20 1:55 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Pepe:
Niels Lyngsø:

 Vibration: It was extremely subtle and it took all my attention power to detect it, it was at the limit of detection. It had the quality of a very very distant helicopter rotorblade or tumble dryer or earth quake, a sort of trembling, at a rate of about 15-20 herz/ beats per second, maybe faster ... It was unclear to me if it was a tactile or auditory experience or both (visual field did not seem to vibrate), and it was located somewhere behind me, I felt it at the upper part of the back, the back of the head and especially the backside of the ears ... At some point a highpitched note arose in my left ear, low volume but undoubtedly there, and also with a very subtle vibration at about the same rate. Sounded like glass jingling or clinking or chinking ... 

That looks like Kundalini. It matches my experience. In my case there was also a very long frequency vibration that circled all the body (instead of up and down, as in Taoist Macrocosmic Orbit, it was a left to right orbit). Check if your neck isn't straight enough, so as to let the energy flow freely. That may be causing the glass jingling thing. Before meditation, massage the area where the column touches the Occipital Bone. 

That energy rise would probably fire another A&P Event and though it may be amazing or even educational, it's not what is suggested to be done in EQ. All in all, It shouldn't be a problem, unless you have been going back to Re-Orbservation lately. 

Instead, you should be trying to see gaps in that vibration (see Shargrol's On Vibrations and EQ, the floating peanut & mindstream of thoughts). You may be interested in Kenneth Folk's "The Wheel". It's about perceiving vibrations in the Third Eye and then lower slowly the attention towards the horizon until a sweet spot is found where vibrations can still be felt, but without effort. Is getting absorbed into the vibration and looking for the big vanishings (see Shinzen Young's Gone) in the random vibrations. 

I just starting using Shizen's Gone technique (checck out https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-7LXHjGHfM&feature=youtu.be)
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/11/20 4:02 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/11/20 3:26 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Thanks Pepe, that's very helpful! emoticon I read the Shargrol stuff, but didn't know about the other things. I will try the massage and read the Folk and Shinzen stuff.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/11/20 4:06 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/11/20 3:27 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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11th of July 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was strong and stable all the way through, so I did open awareness. From time to time a sporadic note arose by itself.

Thoughts
: only a few, almost all of them practice-, theory- and logging-related, which was noted as ”dhamma babbling”. I also noted ”interest”. Body: Soft, liquid or gel-like, painfree, slight pressure in the surface, light pulsations here and there now and then. Vibrations: a couple of times I sensed this rotorblade or tumble drier-like vibration, very very subtle and impossible to place in a specific sense modality, although it seemed mostly tactile/proprioceptive or auditory. It was not as clear as yesterday. Also some uneven vibrations in the highpitched note in my left ear. Sound otherwise: For a long stretch in the beginning, there was a highpitched note that did not seem to be in either of the ears or perhaps equally in both. It was experienced as slightly behind me. Visual field: Nothing much happening. From time to time I noticed that it tended to be brighter in the middle, but all in all it was quite amorphous and dull, apart from a few sparkles now and then.

General feeling: Calm, spacious, clear. Attention seemed a little bit restless, though, going here and there, checking the visual field, the highpitched note, the subtle vibration, back to visual field, then the pressure in the face. Everything was background, nothing stood out as foreground. Attention just strolled around inside this huge and calm clarity, slightly restless, but content. Okayness, even niceness. emoticon
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 7/11/20 11:10 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/11/20 11:10 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Niels Lyngsø:
11th of July 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was strong and stable all the way through, so I did open awareness. From time to time a sporadic note arose by itself.

Thoughts
: only a few, almost all of them practice-, theory- and logging-related, which was noted as ”dhamma babbling”. I also noted ”interest”. Body: Soft, liquid or gel-like, painfree, slight pressure in the surface, light pulsations here and there now and then. Vibrations: a couple of times I sensed this rotorblade or tumble drier-like vibration, very very subtle and impossible to place in a specific sense modality, although it seemed mostly tactile/proprioceptive or auditory. It was not as clear as yesterday. Also some uneven vibrations in the highpitched note in my left ear. Sound otherwise: For a long stretch in the beginning, there was a highpitched note that did not seem to be in either of the ears or perhaps equally in both. It was experienced as slightly behind me. Visual field: Nothing much happening. From time to time I noticed that it tended to be brighter in the middle, but all in all it was quite amorphous and dull, apart from a few sparkles now and then.

General feeling: Calm, spacious, clear. Attention seemed a little bit restless, though, going here and there, checking the visual field, the highpitched note, the subtle vibration, back to visual field, then the pressure in the face. Everything was background, nothing stood out as foreground. Attention just strolled around inside this huge and calm clarity, slightly restless, but content. Okayness, even niceness. emoticon


Nice sit! emoticon
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/12/20 4:44 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/12/20 4:44 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
12th of July 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes, meditating outside at the edge of a little forrest.

Mindfulness was fairly good, perhaps not super strong, but steady, so I chose to freestyle note all the way, also because there were so many external stimuli.

Visual field
most of the time very little happening, just some amorphous light. About twenty minutes in, some slow wavy movements experienced as beautiful and peaceful, but mind wasn’t very interested and they disappeared. From time to time also faces and fragments of faces, scared, surprised eyes, mouths screaming in pain or fear. As usual with these images, there was zero reactivity to them and no interest. Like glimpses of an old silent movie horror film. Sound: Wind, birds, some distant plane and church bells. No internally generated sounds were hearable. Body: Generally relaxed and at ease, self held and painfree, BUT: There were insects, probably ants or something even smaller, crawling on my hands and in my face. Especially one little fellow, who spent around half an hour moving around on my right eyelid. It tingled like crazy, and in the beginning there was aversion to it, but no aversion to the aversion, not this chain reaction that I have experienced so many times before, so I noted ”TINGLING, AVERSION”, then the bug stopped, and I noted ”FEELING” since I could still feel it there and perhaps ”COLD” since it felt cold. This pattern was repeated lots and lots of times. The sensation and then the reaction, both clearly experienced, and that’s it. When the bug was still, attention went elsewhere, and little by little the aversion got weaker. After half an hour, I just noted ”TINGLING” – there was no aversion. The striving yogi was proud, and I noted ”PRIDE; STRIVING”.

General feeling: Okayness, no biggie, a little more agitation than usual due to the stimuli, especially the bug on my eyelid, but definetely general contentment.
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 7/12/20 11:49 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/12/20 11:49 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Niels Lyngsø:
12th of July 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes, meditating outside at the edge of a little forrest.

Mindfulness was fairly good, perhaps not super strong, but steady, so I chose to freestyle note all the way, also because there were so many external stimuli.

Visual field
most of the time very little happening, just some amorphous light. About twenty minutes in, some slow wavy movements experienced as beautiful and peaceful, but mind wasn’t very interested and they disappeared. From time to time also faces and fragments of faces, scared, surprised eyes, mouths screaming in pain or fear. As usual with these images, there was zero reactivity to them and no interest. Like glimpses of an old silent movie horror film. Sound: Wind, birds, some distant plane and church bells. No internally generated sounds were hearable. Body: Generally relaxed and at ease, self held and painfree, BUT: There were insects, probably ants or something even smaller, crawling on my hands and in my face. Especially one little fellow, who spent around half an hour moving around on my right eyelid. It tingled like crazy, and in the beginning there was aversion to it, but no aversion to the aversion, not this chain reaction that I have experienced so many times before, so I noted ”TINGLING, AVERSION”, then the bug stopped, and I noted ”FEELING” since I could still feel it there and perhaps ”COLD” since it felt cold. This pattern was repeated lots and lots of times. The sensation and then the reaction, both clearly experienced, and that’s it. When the bug was still, attention went elsewhere, and little by little the aversion got weaker. After half an hour, I just noted ”TINGLING” – there was no aversion. The striving yogi was proud, and I noted ”PRIDE; STRIVING”.

General feeling: Okayness, no biggie, a little more agitation than usual due to the stimuli, especially the bug on my eyelid, but definetely general contentment.


I don't think I could have sit even a minute with a bug on my eyelid never mind 30 minutes! Major points to you!
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/12/20 4:10 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/12/20 4:10 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
12th of July 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Energy was low, so mindfulness was not that strong. I freestylenoted most of the way, but from time to time the noting got sloppy due to dullness. Mindfulness continued, though, and was never entirely gone.

Body
was relaxed and at ease, there was a quite intense pressure in the surface of the body, especially face and head and upper arms and chest; there were som wavy, bubbly movements in the pressure, and it was experienced as somewhere between neutral and slightly pleasant. Thoughts: Some mumbling preverbalized thoughts that were not seen clearly and hence became a noise that made the entire experience unclear. Visual field: From time to time I had open eyes to get more energy, and there was a shimmering, perhaps slightly flickering quality to the entire visual field when the eyes were open. Mind got interested, there were thoughts about vibrations, but soon after energy dropped and mind went elsewhere. With closed eyes nothing much happened. Sound: External sounds from the house dominated (visitors today), so the internally generated sounds were difficult to hear, but the usual highpitched note in left ear was there and had from time to time a jingling quality to it.

Generel feeling: calm intensity (intense due to the pressure), okayness, slight disappointment that the energy wasn’t higher, since there was curiosity to investigate more vigorously.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/13/20 8:00 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/13/20 8:00 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 13th 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Energy was medium, so I freestyle noted most of the time. A few times I took a minute or two with just open awareness, but then mindfulness dropped, so I resumed noting.

Thoughts
: a lot of mumbling thoughts in the background, due to the dullness, difficult to detect and see clearly. Body: At ease and comfortable, a bit tired, a little back pain, which caused some minor corrections of posture. A pressure (as if sitting under water) covered most of the surface of the body, most noticable in the face and head. There were pulsations in this pressure field. Sound: Highpitched notes in both ears, going up and down in volume, sometimes almost gone, sometimes with a slight noisily jingling quality to it. Mind was interested in this vibratory thing, but energy was not high enough to do a thorough investigation. Visual field: Several times I opened the eyes to energize the system and stared at my little kasina dot. There was a shimmering i.e. vibratory quality to the white light of the wall, there were some moderate colour shifts of the white wall and som bright blue stars or sparkles, and energy went up due to curiosity. Every time I closed my eyes, energy slowly dropped again. When the eyes were closed, nothing much happened. Vibrations: A few time I sensed this very subtle rotorlike vibration, impossible to pinpoint sense modality or position.

General feeling: Okayness, contentment, curiosity, calm (but not quiet), a bit aversion to the dullness.

Question: I didn’t know if I should just go with the low energy and investigate the daydreamy quality of the dullness and the mumbling nonsense thoughts (with the danger of losing mindfulness), or if I should keep energizing the system so as to have enough mindfulness to investigate the vibratory phenomena (with the danger of striving)???
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 3 Years ago at 7/13/20 9:31 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/13/20 9:31 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2670 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
"Question: I didn’t know if I should just go with the low energy and investigate the daydreamy quality of the dullness and the mumbling nonsense thoughts (with the danger of losing mindfulness), or if I should keep energizing the system so as to have enough mindfulness to investigate the vibratory phenomena (with the danger of striving)???"

I can't see how one can investigate anything if not mindful. 
One can certainly let go of effort and just hang on the "edge" of dreamy-ness and not doze off. 
Investigate the calm states and urges that might arise from that still point. 

There is no danger in striving. That is the best place to be to investigate that striving or look for the one that is striving. What is it made of, what senses does it occupy, how do these feel etc ... 

Try it all out and see. If dreamy ness arises then look at it. By knowing it's dreamyness you ARE mindful of it. By not knowing you are in dreamyness you are not mindful. 

Watch the mind terrain as it presents itself. Drop effort if it feels right or engage effort if it feel right. 

Ive had dreamy stages during my past Shamatha days and I would just rest in those. Not sure how much awakening was taking place there but it sure was relaxing. 

Test and see for yourself. You can always pull back into your usual practice. 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/13/20 12:27 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/13/20 12:27 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 13th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Energy was again medium, so I noted almost all the way, except a few times where I tested if I could do open awareness without mindfulness dropping, which I couldn’t. Also sat with open eyes maybe half of the time to keep energy up.

Thoughts
were present almost all the way through, except for a few quiet periods when energy was high. Body: relaxed, at ease. Pressure in the surface, especially face and head, quite strong, neutral in feeling tone, sometimes unpleasantish. Some bubbly movements in this pressurized surface. Visual field: With closed eyes nothing much, just some diffuse light. With open eyes some slight colour shifts in the white wall, a bit of shimmering when energy was high. Sound: very weak highpitched sound in left ear, most of the time with a jingling or noisily vibratory quality. General feeling: Some aversion to the dullness, a little craving for higher energy, but the overall feeling was not of frustration, but of okayness, meh, slight disappointment, but nevermind, it’s all quite okay.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 3 Years ago at 7/14/20 2:44 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/14/20 2:44 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2670 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Just a thought;

I remember back in my Shamatha years, I would sit first thing in the morning, immediately from the bed, while still in that sleepy mode (I would likely go and urinate first but did not wash my face with cold water so to remain in that dreamy mode). That dreamy aspect was in the sit throughout but also gentle awakeness and ease of seeing what was there. The "striver" would not be there because sleepiness was still there. I guess the sense of the striver was still asleep. 

Maybe have the first morning sit like this and second later sit noting when fully awake and alert. 

This way you get 2 different terrains to watch and 2 different approaches. 

Just a thought. 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/14/20 5:04 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/14/20 5:04 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Interesting thought, Papa! I'll give it a, eh, thought. emoticon
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/14/20 5:08 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/14/20 5:08 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 14th 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was strong and stable all the way through, so I did a couple of minutes of freestyle noting, then switched to open awareness aka do nothing. A couple of times during the sit I freestyle noted briefly just to test if it made a difference. The experience was that the noting (finding the right label) took a little effort or energy, so that I was actually noticing slightly less when noting verbally, compared to just sitting.

Body
at ease and comfortable, painfree, self held. Only a slight pressure in the surface of it, as usual mostly in the face and head, a more even pressure in this sitting, not that much bubbling and pulsating. Some tightness or tension in the middle of the chest, in the area where the heart chakra is supposed to be, it was felt clearly and at a point gently examinated. It was neutral, sometimes slightly unpleasant, but there was no aversion to it. Thoughts were almost absent, and those that came were seen clearly and let go of with no effort. Sound: Highpitched note in left ear, went up and down in volume, almost gone from time to time. It was even at the beginning, slightly but fast and noisily pulsating towards the end. Another highpitched, slightly noisy note in right ear, only from time to time, a low steady pulse in it, 1-2 beats per second, not related to heart beat as far as I could tell. Visual field: Nothing much going on. At some point I opened the eyes, not because energy was low, it wasn’t, but to check what the difference would be. There was a slight disappointment (i.e. aversion) just after opening them: The outer world seemed more boring and ”cold” than the intimate, slightly exciting murky and ”warm” inner world. Shortly after opening the eyes there was a slight vibration in the lower part of the visual field for a couple of seconds, mind got interested, but it disappeared. There were no shimmerings or colourshifts, which the mind found disappointing, so I closed my eyes again. Event: Towards the end when things were very quiet and uneventful, some self inquiery questions arose: Who is seeing the visual field? Can you stop seeing it? (I couldn’t). The old song ”Return to sender (address unknown)” had popped up a couple of times, now it was heard as ”return to centre, address unknown”, and there was a search for the centre, and indeed: The address was unknown. This made me smile slightly. I then really focused on doing absolutely nothing, tried to catch any effort, any aversion or craving, any intention experienced as "mine", any movement of mind. But there still was this sense of an ”I”, a centerpoint of some sort, located in the middle of the head, even though the sensate clarity was high and ”I” could sense that there was nothing but pulsations in there, especially in the back of the head, 5-7 centimeters below the crown, 2-4 centimeters from the scull. General feeling: Contentment, curiosity, energy, even a slight joy (unusual for me).
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/14/20 12:36 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/14/20 12:36 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 14th 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was strong from the beginning, so I did open awareness. After about 20-25 minutes it dropped, and I began noting and shortly thereafter opened my eyes. Lots of things happening in the visual field (see below), so mind got curious, energized, I switched from noting to just noticing, energy still went up, curiosity turned into excitement, eagerness, a form of striving, so the agitation got to high for me to be able to notice properly, and I closed my eyes again. A few minutes later I also bent my spine and thus purposefully made a more sloppy posture as to lower the energy more. Then energy got a little too low, dullness was there, so I sat up straight again and noted again the rest of the sitting.

Body
: at ease and comfortable, slight pressure in the surface, especially the face and head. From time to time even tingling in the face and head, experienced as pleasant, but no reactivity to the pleasure (I used to have lots of excitement and craving for more when I got pleasant sensations in my meditation, since it happens very rarely to me). From time to time som tightness in the chest, around the heart chakra area, and in the upper back, sort the back side of this chakra. The tightness was neutral or slightly unpleasant, but there was no reactivity to it. Thoughts were few and clearly seen, didn’t distract, except a couple of times when I slid into subtle dullness, and there were a few seconds of mumbling nonsense thoughts before mindfulness got back up. Sound: highpitched note in my left ear, most of time noisily vibrating very fast and unevenly, low volume. Visual field: Nothing much happened when my eyes were closed, but when I opened them there were vibrations unevenly spread in the visual field, mostly in the perifery. There was shimmering and slight but quick colorshifts of the white wall I was looking at, and my little kasina dot faded and came back many times, switched to its negative colour and sort of pulsated a little. Mind was very curious about all this and investigated it. There was excitement, then agitation. Vibrations: Three or four times the rotorblade like vibration appeared and stayed for a minute or two, as usual very very subtle, almost undetectable. It seemed to be placed behind my back, at the hight of my solar plexus. At one point it seemed lower, around the root chakra, but still behind me. Also, as mentioned, vibrations in the visual field and in the internally generated sound. Mind is very drawn to these vibrations. General feeling: Totally okay, even pleasant now and then, curiosity, contentment, slight joy.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/15/20 5:38 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/15/20 5:38 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 15th 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness very strong and stable, so I did open awareness all the way through. Ocassionally a spontaneous note would arise, though.

Body
was very very comfortable and at ease and sat very still, only two or three minor corrections to the posture. Visual field: Nothing much going on, some vague light, calmly moving in a soft darkness. Sound: Highpitched note in my left ear, even most of the time, but ocasionnally noisily vibratory or Morse like. Thoughts: There were two mental activities going on in parallel: 1) there was a distant, but very persistent earworm of an old pop song. 2) There was a mostly preverbalized (although sometimes fully articulated) thought stream of practice thoughts. Both of these had aversion attached to them. I wanted this almost quiet experience to be totally quiet, I wanted the popsong to go away, and I wanted all these ”clever” thoughts to stop. It was as if attention itself was restless, because there was really almost no stimuli coming from sound, visual or body, or emotion for that matter, all these fields were very neutral and uneventfull, so attention didn’t know where to go. And of course some of the thoughts told attention that it did not have to go anywhere, that it could go nowhere, and that that would actually be a good thing, and then attention went searching for ”nowhere” but immediately gave up and found it silly, etc etc. Thoughts about the self or ”I” (”who is thinking, who is seeing etc”) often produced a weak thumbing pulsation in the back of my head.

General feeling: A slight restlessness or discontent in the midst of this otherwise unusually calm and quiet and comfortable experience. No dullness at all, mindfulness was clear and crisp, energy high and stable. For some reason I just couldn’t find out how to just hang out in this totally okay and uneventful experience.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/15/20 10:00 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/15/20 9:48 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 15th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness started out strong and stable, but I chose to do freestyle noting anyway to examine this restlessness that I experienced in the last sitting. After about 30 minutes I dropped the notes and just noticed, to test if it made a difference. It did: the noting had kept the mind just slightly agitated or busy, and when I dropped them, things got really calm and quiet for a while. Then energy became to low, subtle dullness arose, and I resumed noting.

Body
: Relaxed, comfortable, at ease, self held. Maybe four or five small corrections of posture. Several times, especially the first twenty minutes or so, there was a sudden sharp very tiny itch, point of a needle-like, in the face, on the neck, the chest, it lasted may 30-40 seconds and then faded. This hasn’t happened at all lately. Each time it was met with aversion for about a second, then curiousity. Thoughts: few or perhaps more than few, but unclearly seen, distant mumbling or sort of mental noise that I only become aware of now as I write this. Sound: highpitched note in left ear, sometimes another note in the right ear, slight variations in volume, sometimes slightly jingling. Visual field: Nothing much happening, softly moving vague light, some sparks now and then. Of no interest to the mind. Event: At one point there was a feeling that the visual field was flat, 2D, and that there was some other, empty space behind it. Vibration: the rotorlike vibration appeared five or six times, hung around for a minute or two and then faded. Again it was located behind me at the hight of the solar plexus. Mind is still very interested in this vibration.

General feeling: Comfort and ease, no biggie, a bit meh, and still this tiny sense that something is missing or not quite right, a slight restlessness, I guess.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/15/20 4:20 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/15/20 4:19 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 15th 2020, third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness clear and strong all the way, so I sat with open awareness, although I decided to verbally note ”aversion” and ”craving” each time they were detected, as to really make sure I notice these. I also decided to ”reward” myself every time I noticed them by ”relaxing and re-smiling” (as it is phrased in a book I am presently reading: ”Buddha’s Map: His Original Teachings on Awakening …”).

Body
was comfortable and at ease, a slight pressure in the surface as usual, lots of micro movements in this pressure, bubbly and pulsating movements, neutral to slightly pleasant in tone. Twice there was a sort of sharp itch, point of a needle-like, neutral in tone, it felt fizzling, like one of those swaying columns of micro bubbles you see in mineral water. Visual field: Nothing much going on. I opened my eyes for a minute or two to see if that changed anything. I didn’t (the visual content was of course different: my room in darkness, but no colour shifts, vibrations or the like, and no aversion, no change in feeling tone or curiosity). Sound: A high pitched note in my left ear all the time, most of the time noisily vibratory like very fast Morse code or jingling glass. Some times also a high pitched note in the right ear, this one with a slower pulse (1-2 beats per minute). Thoughts were there most of the time, wispy and in the background and were rarely met with aversion, except when they fantazised about SE or other ”special experiences”. Then I relaxed and re-smiled, and the fantasy subsided. Vibrations: the rotorblade-like or distance tumble drier-like vibrations were present almost all the time. Seemed to be located behind me, at one point, though, they seemed to be inside my spine at the hight of the solar plexus. Still difficult to tell if its tactile or auditory or both, it doesn’t seem to belong to one specific sense door. Observation: The different vibratory phenomena – fizzling ”itch”, bubbly body surface, Morse like sound, rotorblade feel – seemed to mingle or sort of exist in the same ”space”, actually visual, auditory and bodily sensations some times seemed to be slightly integrated into one field. Thoughts and other mental phenomena appear to be outside this ”common space”.

General feeling: plesant, comfortable, calm, much more curiosity than aversion, almost joy at times.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/18/20 4:16 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/16/20 5:05 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 16th 2020, first sitting of the day SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was strong and stable, so I did open awareness all the way through. From time to time a spontaneous note arose and was not distinguishable from other thoughts.

Body
: Calm, at ease, painfree, self held, felt like an aquatic plant on the ocean floor, with slight currents passing by and through, bubbling and pulsating in the surface here and there, sometimes some cool airy tingling in the skull, some light pressure in the face. Thoughts were there moderately and clearly seen, most of them in the background, not drawing attention to them selves. An exception was some self inquiery thoughts: Why is this highpitched note inside my head and that external sound outside? They are perceived in the same way, as the note is perceived as about 10-15 centimeter from my left ear i.e. ”outside”. Where is the border between inside and outside? Where is the point from where the listening takes place? etc. Sound: Highpitched note in the left ear all the way, often also another note in the right ear, both of them with small changes in volume, slighly pulsating from time to time. Visual field: Nothing much going on, vague amorphous light softly moving, some more brigt shimmering now and then, and 4-5 times a flash of a (fragment of a) face. Vibration: The rotorblade like vibration came by maybe five times, stayed for a minute or so, then disappeared. Located behind me and/or in my back, maybe spine, at the hight of the solar plexus. Also seemed to be located to the right of me. Slower in pulse this time.

General feeling: A quite uneventful sitting, contentment, calm, but I wouldn’t call it peacefull since there were curious thoughts and gentle investigations going on. Sense of spaciousness, everything seen clearly and calmly. No boredom or impatience, just a sort of neutral niceness.
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 7/16/20 11:45 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/16/20 11:45 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 1310 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
This is perfectly described and written. I see where you fit in the "percieved as.." suggestion you made to me too. I tried to incorporate it in today.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/16/20 1:12 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/16/20 1:12 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 16th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was medium, from time to time even low, so I chose to freestyle note all the way. Also to keep the energy up, I opened my eyes after about 30 minutes, and they stayed open for the rest of the sitting. Towards the end, energy went up and became almost strong.

Body
mostly at ease, but for a period a bit uncomfortable due to some stiffness and/or tension in the middel and upper back, and in the middle of the chest, a cucumbershaped semi-hard object in the midst of an otherwise soft body. It was perceived as neutral to slightly unpleasant. No aversion to it, though, it was just observed. Thoughts were mainly in the background, except a few times when there was a sudden drop into subtle dullness, then thoughts were cranked up and took centre stage with some dreamy nonsense logic, 3-5 very quick steps like a fragment of a dream (while the rest of experience sort of contracted and disappeared), all this happend in less than a second, then mindfulness detected the dullness and energy got back up. Sound: the ususal highpitched note in my left ear, from time to time also a note in the right ear, and at a certin point a third highpitched note that seemed to be located behind me and above me. Visual field: Nothing much happened before I opened my eyes. Then there was some shimmering, some vibrations in the perifery, some slight colourshifts, and my kasina dot faded, almost disappeared and reappeared several times. I also noted a fly on the wall, moving in the mid perifery of sight (I was staring non stop at the kasina dot); what I noticed was, that it disappeared from sight when it did not move, and the reappeared when it moved again (as far as I know, there is bad resolution in the perifery of human eyesight, but efficient motion detection; this only strikes me know as I write this, the thought didn’t occur during the sitting). Another observation was that when I blinked, there was a subtle short vibration in the visual field, like when you throw a pepple into a pond and there are ripples for a second or two. Vibrations: The distant tumble drier or rotorblade vibrations arose four or five times and hung around for half a minute or so each time, located behind me and/or in my spine at the middle of the back.

General feeling: Okayness, curiousity, a bit meh due to the low energy, but a sort of neutral contentment.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 3 Years ago at 7/16/20 5:00 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/16/20 5:00 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2670 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Yeah those open eyes visuals can be rather engaging and curious too emoticon I used to believe in the past that meditation was something about sitting cross legged and with closed eyes emoticon Ha! No wonder Zen dudes prefer to have open gaze. Apparently Shargrol used to meditate with open eyes too (something to do with him being into marshal arts if I remember well). 

Watch those mind states arising in connection to the visual/image space stuff like; anticipation, desire to get particular image space experience again, etc ... Also try and investigate the length of both your in and outbreath depending on the different visuals. Also skin-body temperature (cool or hot). It's all interdependent it seems, like a puzzle image. Be genuinely curious (in a laid back 3rd person way) about all the body-mind just like a good scientist watching how this leads to that and that to this etc ...  Good science is good observation. Be like Alice in Wonderland emoticon 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/18/20 4:17 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/17/20 6:09 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 17th 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable all the way through. I freestyle noted for 5-10 minutes, then switched to open awareness.

Thoughts
: There was again an earworm of a popsong, it was there maybe 60-70 percent of the time in the background, but didn’t cause aversion. In addition to that some practice thoughts now and then, a couple of times identification with them, until mindulness kicked in and saw them as just thoughts. Body at ease and comfortable. A very liquid feeling, as if the body was this wobbly, gelly-like organism at the bottom of the sea, the spine was felt very clearly as more firm of stiff in this soft or liquid evironment. Boundaries between body and surroundings were blurred, but could be found if I looked for them. Visual field: Nothing much going as to content of the visual field, i.e. light, images, but some weird experiences of the field in its entirety (see below). Sound: Highpitched notes in both ears, stable most of the time, some times slightly vibratory.  Vibration: The distant rotorblade or tumble drier-vibrations payed a visit a couple of times, it was not as low in frequency, more like a toy helicopter than a real one. Again located behind me and/or in the upper part of my spine.

Events: Especially the last twenty minutes, when things had gotten very quiet, there was a lot of ”self investigation” going on, happening all by itself, ”I” just witnessed it with calm curiousity: The tactile sensations of what was going on in the face, on the skull and inside the head got very predominant – at one point I could feel my breath very clearly inside the head, especially just below the crown. At the same time, the visual field seemed to float around a bit as if disconnected from the eyes. At some point it was as if I was seeing with the left part of my face, at some other point I was seeing with the upper part of my forehead. The shape of the visual field also seemed asymmetrical at one point, as if it had melted in one side, and at another point, it felt as if my head had turned 45 degrees to the left and I was looking in that direction, and then the tactile or proprioceptive sensory data was examined, and my head was still facing forward, but for a fraction of a second, it was as if an ”inner” face turned so as to adjust to the experience of where the visual field was. Also a couple times the tactile or proprioceptive experience of especially the face and head, but also the rest of the body, seemed to be dissolved into just free floating (very clearily perceived) sensations, this happend when I was involuntarily just at bit zoned out, and when I ”zoned in” – or rather: was zoned in – again, the bodyparts, especially the different parts of the face, sort of snapped back to the usual proprioceptive experience. But for some moments the body was disintegrated. I tried to find this ”zoned out” way of attention or awareness, but that was difficult, and I backed off as to not distrub the process unfolding. Several other similar things happened, this went on for about 15 minutes until the bell rang.

General feeling: Contentment, curiosity even a calm joy (not at all excitement or ”wow!”) due to these spontaneous investigations, ease, niceness, could have sat for another hour.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/17/20 3:25 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/17/20 3:25 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 17th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was quite weak due to dullness, so I freestyle noted most of the time, except for a few times where I either forgot to note due to the dullness or decided not to, since I thought energy was high enough to just sit with open awareness, but dullness came back. I was even switching to standing meditation for about ten minutes toward the end to get energy up, and that seemed to help more.

Body
was okay, but not totally at ease. There was some stiffness in the upper back and neck, and in addition to that some tightness in the chest, both perceived as unpleasant. Thoughts were present most of the time, preverbalized and unclearly perceived, I got dragged into them for a few seconds due to the dullness, and then mindfullness pulled me out again, this happened maybe ten or fifteen times. Sound: highpitched sound in both ears, disappeared from time to time, were mostly even in texture, but some times Morse code like. Visual field: A few flashes of distorted faces, especially in the beginning. I had open eyes almost half of the time due to dullness, and stared at my kasina dot (while it was getting dark outside, so it got increasingly harder to distinguish). It vanished completely and reappeared 3-4 seconds later several times. Also some colourshifts in the white wall. When I did standing meditation, I also stared at the wall, but at a random spot about the hight of my chest, and even though I don’t have a kasina this high on the wall, an kasina look-a-like was perceived for 15-20 seconds, perhaps a sort of retinal burn from staring at the actual kasina when I sat. Vibrations: The distant tumble drier-vibration came a few times, quite distinct this time, again located behind me and/or in my back.

General feeling: slight boredom (i.e. aversion) due to the dullness, a bit reactivity to the bodily discomfort as well, but overall just fine, okayness, no biggie.
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 7/17/20 9:39 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/17/20 9:39 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2326 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Neils, you're in a very good place with your practice right now. Definitely on track and definitely keep doing what you are doing.

My advice would be to:

* take away all performance anxiety about meditation. no one knows when stream entry will happen, no one knows how to "make" stream entry happen (otherwise we would tell you!), and no one is aware that stream entry happened until afterwards --- so there is no pressure, because there is absolutely nothing you can do to make it happen. only the mind itself figures out what to do, it really isn't up to us.

* a great attitude to have is knowing that you are going to meditate after SE, so this is just another day of sitting, who cares if it's pre or post, it really doesn't matter.

* the essence of this stage of meditation is to sit down, let the body and mind settle, and then see what naturally arises. trust that the mind is going where it needs to go and go along on the ride.

* it can be helpful to realize that after we've developed a foundation of mindfulness (which you have), awareness is already aware, so very little effort is needed. notice how awareness is already aware. And so try experimenting with using less intentional effort, less intentional investigation (don't try to understand, penetrate, see clearly), which means letting the mind go where _it_ wants, and let be drifty, dreamy, or even dull -- but keep verifying that you are aware of being drifty, dreamy, or dull by simply noting it. If you can note it, then you have enough energy of awareness.

* slowly play with dropping the distinction between I AM observing THAT and almost try to "be" what you observe. It's all your mind, so let go of a sense of someone observing the mind. Be the mind.

* those rotor like sounds are very very promising. A perfect balance of Sam & Vip. Sometimes nibbana is found in the gap between those pulses, betwen those vibrations.There can be something interesting about that drum-like, rotor-like beating. And be curious about those gaps in the rotor ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta sound. How do we hear those silences? So the next time those show up --- and no need to "make" them show up, let them show up naturally --- when they show up, let yourself "be" the vibrations. Let your sense of self be the same as those pulses. Let your mind be the sound and be the gaps in the sound. 

* it's okay to feel goofy or scared or confused. it's okay to smile at times. emoticon


(this is all somewhat cryptic, I know, but just enjoy playing with it. A playful mind is a very good thing. A playful mind gets so interested in the moment, that it can discover something that's been right under our nose all this time. )

 Hope this helps. Don't get serious, don't get fancy, just keep doing what your doing and allow yourself to play. 
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 7/18/20 5:53 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/18/20 5:53 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Another idea : also experiment with evening sits, when the mind is kinda tired and calm, when the "yang" energy of the day has already played itself out and the "yin" energy of the evening is here. Practicing while the mind is on the edge of sleep can be interesting.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/18/20 5:53 AM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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Dear shargrol

Thank you so much for chiming in! I am very grateful that you took the time to give me such an elaborate answer. It is both helpful and very encouraging.

– Niels
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/18/20 5:57 AM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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July 18th 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was strong and stable, so I did a few minutes of freestyle noting, then switched to Open awareness.

Body
was very calm, comfortable and at ease. About ten minutes before the bell, there was a slight stiffness or soreness in the back, I interpreted it as a result of a subtle striving, sitting up at bit too straight to be a good and alert yogi, so I decided to relax and ”collapse” the spine, and sat like that, face downwards, for five minutes or so and then sat up straight again. Thougths were present most of the time, but in the background and mostly preverbal. Almost all of them practice related. A few times met with aversion, otherwise just accepted there as part of the ”show” (it wasn’t much of a show, in fact very uneventful). Visual field: Nothing much going on, closed eyes all the way through, some dim light, softly moving in the center of the field, dark in the perifery, drew no attention to it self. Sound: Highpitched notes in both ears, sometime an interference between them was perceived, also from time to time some slight pulsating in one of them. ”Events”: Nothing much happening in the foreground, only rarely did attention zoom in on an ”event”, everything seemed to be background. Still a feeling of ”self” or center, located in the head. From time to time it was almost gone, but I didn’t notice until it was back (I am not talking about cessation, but of a sort of zoning out). That paradox made me smile slightly. There was a sense of a subtle integration between the various sense modalities, although thoughts still appeared to be outside this common space. Speaking of space: There was a sense of spaciousness, and then contraction into the inside of the head, especially a column shaped part of the interior of the head, located under the crown, was predominating. Some spontaneous self investigations going on, very subtle, difficult to put into words, except one thing: at a certain point there was a continuous external sound which was ”compared” to the hight pitched internally generated sound in my left ear, and again this question: in which sense is the first one ”outside” and the other one ”inside”? The nonverbal answer was almos like a bad joke: There was a sense that my left ear and the surrounding part of the scull sort of stretched cartoon-like as to reach and encompass the high pitched sound, which was experienced as located about 10 centimeters to the left of the ear (or the observer). As if the bodymind in a comically literal sense tried to wrap the head around the sound as to make ”inside” the head. I smiled at this.

General feeling: Calm, at ease, curious, even joyful – joy seem to be subtly entering my practice, which is a new thing.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/18/20 1:33 PM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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July 18th 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was strong and stable, so I did a few minutes of freestyle noting, then switched to Open awareness.

Body
was very calm, comfortable and at ease. This sitting was similar to today’s first sitting, again I chose to ”collapse” my spine towards the end as to relax even more. Then energy became slightly low and I sat up straight again. Body was perceived in a very detailed way, especially the head, at one point I could clearly follow the breath in an area inside my head, below the crown, in the middle. Thougts: 1) an earworm of an old pop song was there most of the time, it didn’t cause any aversion. 2) and then there were halfway verbalized, mumbling practice thoughts, sort of the mind just talking to itself, I didn’t feel involved, and this also did not cause aversion. I examined both these ”voices”, they seemed to be located inside my head, at the back, maybe the back of the mouth. Thoughts still seem more like ”me” than the rest and sort of outside the rest of the experience. Visual field: Nothing much going on, dim light in the middle of the field, a bit brighter towards the end when things got even more quiet. Sound: highpitched note in left ear, some times also in right ear, stable most of the time, sometimes slightly jingling. Vibration: the tumbledrier-like vibration came by several times and was examined, a voice (that felt like the noting voice) tried to follow it: da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, there were like series of these da-da-da, the voice going up and down in pitch rollercoaster like or swing like, and I discoverede that the rotorblade vibration seemed to follow the breath for a while, in that it almost subsided during (especially the end of) the inbreath, and then came back with more force during (especially the beginning of) the outbreath.

General feeling: Calm, contentment, slight wonder and curiosity, calm amazement that the mind was able so see this level of detail while at the same time it felt so effortless.

Consideration: I have noticed that the last 15 minutes or so seem to be the most quiet or ”deep”, so I am considerating prolonging my sits.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/18/20 4:37 PM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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July 18th 2020, third sitting of the day, in the evening from around 21:20. I did not do my usual routine but sat without a timer and went more or less straight into open awareness, at first with open eyes, and then closed, then open again. When I was interrupted, I was surprised to see that 55 minutes had passed, I would have guessed only half an hour had gone by.

Body
was very calm and comfortable, almost statue-like unmovable. Sound: The usual highpitched note in left and sometimes also right ear. Visual field: With open eyes even from the first minute of the sitting several sudden colorshifts (mint green, pinkish orange, greyish white), as if concentration and/or mindfulness was just THERE. With closed eyes nothing much happened in the visual field, and then attention turned to … Thoughts: They were spontaneously investigated in several ways, very hard to describe. There were some verbalized thoughts (earworm + self inquiery), and there was an investigative listening to the sound of these voices: Were they whispering or talking at normal volume, for instance? And they were again and again located in the middle of the head, somewhere at the back of the mouth, where simultaneously it was felt that they could not possibly be, since there was just tactile pulsations. And from where were they heard? Lots of such subtle stuff went on.

General feeling: Extremely calm and clear and effortless. No sense of me doing much, everything just unfolded. In a way, very very little happened, and it was very very interesting. A joy and playfulness was there. I could easily have sat much longer.
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 7/18/20 4:39 PM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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definitely extend the sits. you might even want to try sitting without any timer for your evening sit. Just sit until you've nodded off a few times and then mindfully crawl into bed.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/19/20 5:58 AM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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Great, I'll try that. emoticon Even try meditating all the way into sleep, just to see how far in to lala-land I can keep up the mindfulness. I haven't really explored these dull and dreamy low energy states before, always fought the dullness. But I guess my mindfulness is getting stable enough to try it out. 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/19/20 6:05 AM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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July 19th 2020.

Off cushion remark: general mindfulness seems to have been cranked up quite suddenly. I am more aware of lots of little details just walking around, talking etc., and often when the opportunity is there – when I am reading or lying in bed just after waking up, for instance – a quite thorough meditation goes off all by it self and I watch it unfold with curiosity.

First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes. Mindfulness was not quite strong, some subtle dullness there all the way through (didn't get much sleep last night). At one point I was just about to open my eyes to get some more energy, but then I decided, encouraged by shargrol's remark, to just sit with this subtle dullness. When necessary, I simply noted ”yes” at the end of each outbreath to confirm that I was still being somewhat mindful. Mindfulness was never totally gone for more than maybe a second (dropped in to some very dream-like thoughts), and when it came back online, it wasn’t with the usual little jerk, but more smoothly.

Body
was a bit uneasy, tired, stiffness at the upper back, it wanted to lie down. There was a bit aversion to these uncomfortable sensations, but not much, and the aversion was clearly seen. Thoughts were there almost all of the time, but indistinct, mumbling, moving a bit grumpily about like an uneasily sleeping child. Visual field: Nothing much going on, actually I don’t recall anything happening there. Sound: high pitched note in left ear, didn’t receive much attention, but I think it was there most of the time. Vibrations: My old friend, the subtle, hard to detect tumble drier-rotorblade, came by a couple of times, stayed only shortly, this was when energy was slightly higher, and when I dropped in to subtle dullness again, it disappeared.

General feeling: uneventful, calm but a bit meh, a bit uncomfortable but at the same time totally okay. Weirdly enough also some joy, that’s so unusual for me, and for it to show up in this quite ”mediocre” sitting is surprising.
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 7/19/20 6:49 AM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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perfect approach! just let the mind do what it does and note "yes" -- that's a really cool technique. 

definitely don't fight dullness, dreamyness, vagueness, or confusion at this stage, simply say yes to those mindstates. If you can recognize them as mindstates, you are mindful enough.

(This obviously isn't the standard meditation advice that's given to complete beginners. This is why the maps are so important. When someone is regularly getting to EQ, when they can experience "joy in seclusion" during their sits, then they can let go of controlling the mind and allow the mind to take them beyond what they "know" to do.)

One word of caution: the Equanimity Nana is vast. There are lots of subtle nuances to it. So really this is just a matter of maintaining regular practice, not havling a lot of expectations or ambitions, and having faith that the mind that got us from where we started is the same mind that will move us through SE and to awakening. So a lot of trust is involved too. Doubt may come up. But usually at this point people understand that practice is the only thing that will make a difference and that "advancing" is really beyond our control.

People that come from religious backgrounds are often a little better at "keeping the faith" at this stage. emoticon  But it's also okay to have faith in "buddha (awake) nature" or the "nature of mind" or "innate intelligence". 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/19/20 12:35 PM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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Thanks for following up, shargrol. I will keep your advice in mind. I have never had problems with motivation in meditation: From the very beginning (a 10 day Goenka retreat) I felt the indisputable effects of practice, and a mix of relief of suffering and intense curiosity easily keeps me returning to the cushion every day. emoticon So even though I've never been religious, based on experience I have a strong belief in the idea and techniques of vipassana.  
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/19/20 12:39 PM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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July 19th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was weak and unstable, lots of dullness, so in order to stay with this dreamlike mindstate, I tried to note ”yes” at the end of each outbreath. Energy went up and down between low (almost mindless spacing out) and ”just okay” (i.e. enough to do the yes-note).

Body
was at ease, quite comfortable. Sounds: Highpitched note in the left ear, not sure if it disappeared now and then, due to dullness I wasn’t aware. When it was there, it was mostly jingling. Visual field: Almost no activity, apart from some ”image thoughts” (see below). Thoughts and mindstates: When energy was ”just okay”, it was very quiet, almost no thoughts, lots of space, a mildly pleasant feeling tone. When energy was low, the feeling tone was more neutral, and I dipped into what appeared to be fragments of dreams: a line or two of dialogue with no context (”Not now, I’m skyping with Hansie!” – I have no idea who Hansie is) or a couple of seconds with moving images with no sound (nature, people). It’s hard to tell, but I don’t think I was gone for more than a couple of seconds, and when mindfulness came fully back online, I remembered where I had been – which must mean that I wasn’t completely mindless. Usually mindfulness came back smoothly, but one time I jerked and even opened my eyes. Vibrations: Almost every time energy was ”just okay”, the rotor-like vibrations were there and were investigated with curiosity. At some point they seemed to be located at bit higher than usual, at the back of my neck and head.

General feeling: Quite nice, even pleasant, no aversion to the dullness, mind seemed interested in getting to know these low energy states and learn how to surf them. Some joy was there as well – and is here, more and more often, off cushion emoticon.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/20/20 8:43 AM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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July 20th, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 + 17 minutes (I kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness was over medium, not super strong, but strong enough to sit with just open awareness, except for a few moment some 45-50 minutes in when energy dropped a little and I noted ”yes” on every outbreath to make sure I did not drift to much off.

Body
was very comfortable, very still, self held, as if floating. At some point a slight tension in the surface of the chest, neutral in tone. Sensations of the inside of the head were predominant, especially the area below the crown down to the back of the mouth: pulsations, wavelike movements, breath related sensations. Thoughts were few and clearly seen, far in the background, not articulate, mostly practice related. A few times came a fully verbalized thought, for instance ”Let me wake up gently!” And then the thought: ”Am I afraid right now?” Didn’t feel any fear, though, and the thought and the question was dropped and did not return. At one point there was the thought: ”It’s actually true, I really don’t have to do anything! Oh, finally I can relax!” I was touched by that, a slight compassion with my striving self. I mention this (very subtle) emotional reaction because my sittings these days otherwise are emotionally very very neutral. Sound: highpitched note in left ear, sometimes also in right ear, sometimes even a third note, mainly in the left ear. The note in the right ear was gently pulsating 1-2 beats per second, the one in the left ear was kind of noisily jingling like very fast Morse code. Visual field: quite bright, but amorphous, some shimmering. Two or three time flashes of an image of my nostrils (immediately the tactile sensations of the breath became predominant). One time a distorted image of a candle flame lingered for some 20 seconds (this caused me to focus more, the mind was slightly agitated at that point). I smiled at the fact that these images seemed to function like meditation instructions. Vibration: Rotorlike vibration came by twice and lingered for half a minute or so. ”Events”: Most of what went on is difficult to put into words, because it seems to be beyond any specific sense modality. If I was forced to categorize it, it would be in an overlap between proprioception and thought. One example: I had been slightly zoned out for some seconds, and when I was ”zoned in” again, I just managed to notice, for a fraction of a second, that all the sensations that made up my face and scull were sort of scattered or just free floating in some abstract space, and then, in the next fraction of a second, they sort of snapped together and formed the familiar experience of having a head. There were manys such ”negotiations” of internal body experience, if that phrase makes sense.

General feeling: Calm, ease, quiet, ligth curiousity, some joy or jollyness just watching what went on.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/20/20 3:55 PM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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July 20th, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was strong and very, very stable, I freestyle noted for a minute or so, then just sat with open awareness.

Body
: Overall just very very comfortable and neutral, nothing even remotely painful or uncomfortable, nothing even remotely pleasurable, just deep tranquility, almost no movement at all the entire hour. Thoughts: Remote and a bit agitated thoughts the first 10-15 minutes, clearly seen. Then things got unusually quiet. Visual field: Nothing much going on, some dim light, mind not interested. Sound: The usual highpitched note in the left ear. At some point mind got a bit interested in it, but didn’t really do anything with it, didn’t analyze or compare or tried to locate, just observed it. ”Events”: The word "events" is not quite right, but again stuff ”happened” that is really difficult to put into words. It was related to proprioception and the sense of a center or self or space. I had no experience of doing anything at all, but there were some subtle shifts or movements in space and location and proportions, if that makes sense. For instance, at one point I noticed that for a while I hadn’t really sensed what/where was ”up”, and what/where was ”down”, it took me about a second to sort of reconstruct that vertical axis defined by gravity, starting with the sensations of pressure against my butt: Okay, so this must be down … This reconstruction was done very calmly, there was no reactivity, no fear or surprise, just a very matter-of-fact ascertainment. The same with the sensations that made up my face and scull; this time they didn’t snap together to form a head the instant I discovered them free floating (like this morning), this time they just kept floating in a sort of abstract but very clearly perceived space, a space without coordinates, so to speak. And then slowly, over 2-3, perhaps 4 seconds, the coordinates came back online, and my head was reconstructed. Again zero emotional reaction to this.

General feeling: deep tranquility. I have never experienced anything so tranquil and stable and neutral and – in a very cool and matter-of-fact way – nice as this mindstate, not even on retreat. Due to practicalities I could not stay on the cushion, but had I had the time, it felt as if I could have sat there for much much longer. No dullness, no agitation, no effort. Balance.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/21/20 3:47 AM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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July 20th, third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 80 minutes. Sat without timer, started half an hour after midnight.

"Practising while the mind is on the edge of sleep can be interesting." – Indeed emoticon.

I find it hard to assess the strength of mindfulness. It was medium, I guess, maybe even weak, but very stable – no sudden dips in energy, no nodding off and jerking back. Sort of a panoramic dim flood light – standby power apparatus.

Thoughts
almost absent, except from a few spontaneous ”logging notes”: Oh, gotta remember this. Otherwise really quiet. And weird. Like a dream realm, except
in this dream there were (almost) no people, no beings, no entities, certainly no storyline what so ever, not even fragments. Hardly a scenery. Just a very abstract and mostly empty mind state. Like being wide awake inside David Lynch's head when he's in deep dreamless sleep. Visual field was very dark, almost pitch black, but with some amorphous movements and a few very sudden and bright flashes of high resolution 3D figures: 1) At some point, it was as if I turned my head to the right (I’m quite sure my physical head didn’t move) and saw a flash of a young woman sitting next to me, just a hand’s breadth away, dark long hair, red dress, naked arms, she was meditating too. I had a subtle and short, but very distinct fear reaction to that. 2) At another point I opened my eyes, it didn’t make much of a difference since the room I sad in was pitch dark. I had a metacognitive thought that this was really weird and foreign, and then I wondered how I would look if I looked at my self in the mirror right now (there’s a mirror in the room, but it wasn’t visible). Immediately there was a flash of an image that felt like a reflection of me: A male figure sitting on his knees like me, but naked, with long thin arms waving in the air and an insect like head. That too caused a fear reaction. There were a couple of other similar flashes, also to the scarry side, they caused only very subtle fear reactions, but they left a slightly disturbing tint to the otherwise very very tranquil experience.

General feeling: Calm, still, weird, otherworldly. I have no experience in categorizing jhanas, but to me this was some sort of absorption state. I was surprised to see that 80 minutes had gone by, I would have guessed maybe 45-50, so there was some time distortion.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/21/20 8:27 AM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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July 21st 2020.

Off cushion remark: I woke after only four hours of sleep, felt quit refreshed, sat up in bed and after a minute or two dozed off a bit. Slid very gently into the hypnagogic state, and for the next hour or so I spend several minutes on end in this state, very gently hovering down into light sleep and back up to having awareness of the hypnagogic state. Only a few times in my life have I spent that much time in this state, I have usually either just passed right down through it to sleep or been immediately bobbed up to waking state again. Needless to say, this happened all by it self, I didn’t do anything. In the hypnagogic state this morning: Light, lightness, joy, pleasure, wonder.

First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable, sat with open awareness.

Body
calm, at ease, painfree, self held, aquatic plant-like, some wobly and wavelike pulsations here and there, especially in the face and head, neutral or slightly pleasant in tone. Sensations of the inside of the head, under the crown, were predominant now and then, pulsations, breath related expansion-contraction. Sound: Hightpitched notes, often two or more at the time, both ears, some times stable, some times vibratory. Visual field: Quite active this time, mosty dim or semibrigth lights, curtains or smoke, yellowish white, soft movements. Thoughts were present almost all the way through, mostly practice thoughts, logging-planning thoughts, self inquiery thoughts, meta thoughts, thoughts that were sort logging in real time. There was a mild aversion to all these thoughts, a craving for quiet, and then immediately a thought how futile and silly that craving and aversion were. On and on it went, but I was never lost in these thoughts or the reactivity to them, mind was watching it all unfold in its sillyness. Sometimes the thought voice sssslllooooooowwwweed down, and mind really listened to it. And then, a couple of minutes before the bell rang, all of a sudden thoughts just stopped by them selves.

General feeling: totally okay, no biggie, a mildly humouristic attitude to this silly thought show.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/21/20 10:15 AM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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21st of July 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was weak, but very stable. Subtle dullness most of the time.

Body
comfortable, at ease, at bit tired. Twice I ”collapsed” the spine and sat face down for some minutes before sitting up straight again. Wavy bubbly pressure in the surface of the body, especially face and head, inside of head again more predominant than the rest of the body, but didn’t catch much attention. Sounds: low volume hightpitched notes in both ears. Visual field: semi-bright and quite active, especially in the first 20 minutes or so, softly moving yellowish white light. Thoughts were few and clearly seen. A couple of times mind was sort halfway sucked into some dream-like nonsense dialogue and then almost physically felt the contraction, the narrowing down of space (which otherwise was quite, eh, spacious and clear) and then pulled out by itself. No aversion to thoughts this time. Vibrations: the rotorblade like vibration came by several times, was present mayb 25 percent of the time, located behind me at or in the spine, at the height of the solar plexus, some times higher, once even in the head.

General feeling: Ease, quiet, low but smooth energy, nothing much happening, and that was totally okay.
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 7/21/20 11:28 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/21/20 11:28 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Just wanted to let you know that I was still reading and still being inspired by what you are logging. You've gone into amazing territory. May you continue to practice well.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/22/20 6:50 AM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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July 22nd 2020, First sitting of the day, 60 + 13 minutes (kept sitting a bit after the bell rang).

Mindfulness strong and stable, sat with open awareness.

Body
quite comfortable, the first twenty minutes clearly perceived with soft wobly and wavelike sensations, neutral to slightly unplesant in tone. For the rest of the sit more unclearly perceived, some stiffness and soreness in the back, neutral to slightly unpleasant. At one point I ”collapsed” the spine as to rest the back for some minutes, and that softened the body somewhat again. Some quite strong tics at the left side of the neck in series of 5-10 seconds, returning maybe a dozen times through the sit. Thoughts were few and clearly seen, about half of them were practice related. Visual field: semi bright and amorphous, nothing much going on. Sound: highpitched note in left ear, also from time to time in right ear, mind was not interested. Event: For about thirty minutes there were some external sounds. I am used to sitting in rather quiet surroundings, so these sounds (voices having a conversation) drew a lot of attention, and there was aversion to them. The striving yogi craved his silence so that he could go deep.emoticon The aversion was clearly seen, it didn’t multiply (aversion against the aversion), but it didn’t subside either.

General feeling: Comfort, ease, this persistent but sort of low level or eq-filteret aversion, no biggie, just another day on the cushion.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/22/20 12:07 PM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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July 22nd 2020, Second sitting of the day, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness a bit weak, subtle dullness was there almost all the way. To begin with I sat with open awareness, then when I noticed the dullness, switched to noting ”yes” at the end of each outbreath to monitor mindfulness. A couple of times I forgot to note ”yes” for maybe ten seconds, then mindfulness resumed and so did noting.

Body
was okay, a bit of backpain, which was met with subtle aversion. Once I ”collapsed” the spine and sat face downwards to rest. Thoughts: When I noted, there were very few thoughts. When I didn’t, I would often dip in to these dream-like nonsense-dialogues (fragments, no context, and by the way no emotional charge). Sound: hightpitched sound in left ear, sometimes slightly vibratory. Visual field: Most of the time pretty inactive, but now and then some bursts of bright, concentric blueish white light. This caught attention and made mindfulness go op. Also some flashes of faces. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibrations came by (even when mindfulness seemed low, which surprised me) maybe ten times, but stayed only shortly.

General feeling: A subtle aversion to the dullness was probably there all the way, but didn’t become conscious before a couple of minutes before the bell rang; I was able to let go of the aversion, and that made some joy arise. Otherwise quite comfortable, no biggie, yet another day on the cushion.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/22/20 6:12 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/22/20 6:12 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 22nd 2020, third sitting of the day, 85 minutes, sat outdoors around midnight without a timer.

Mindfulness medium, but very stable.

Body
generally comfortable, sometimes a little stiffness in the back. Thougts were few and clearly seen, mostly in the background, preverbal. Sound: Only rarely did I hear the internally generated highpitched note in the left ear, due to the external sounds: wind in the leaves, birds, distant cars and planes. Visual field: not much activity, some dim light softly moving. At one point I sat with open eyes a couple of minutes and played with the stars: I stared at one, and shortly after it disappeared, I the moved my gaze, and it reappeared. A bit after when I stared at a star, it was the neighbour star that disappeared. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibration appeared several times, and a couple of times it seemed to interact with the sound of the wind in the leaves which also seemed to sort of staccato chopped up.

General feeling: There was a subtle fear the first 20 minutes or so, a little reactivity to the nocturnal sounds. After that just quiet, calm, a bit boredom, a bit aversion to the uneventfulness. Some time distortion: I thought I had sat an hour or so.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/23/20 5:50 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/23/20 5:50 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 23rd 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable, sat with Open awareness all the way.

Body
uneasy, pressure covering most of the torso and the entire head and face, tensions and heaviness in the mid and upper back and neck. All these sensations were somewhere between neutral and slightly unpleasant, but there wasn’t much aversion to them, I didn’t struggle to be the perfect still body yogi (which I have done a lot before), but adjusted posture several times, gently tried to make this uneasy body more comfortable. Thoughts were few and clearly seen, mostly in the background (preverbal), about half of them practice related. Visual field: Nothing much going on, amorphous dim light with soft movements. At one point, thoug, the light sort of gathered to a semi-round figure in the middle of the field, this lasted less than a minute. Sound: the usual highpitched note in the left ear was very low volume this time, mostly vibratory, Morse code like. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibration was there a few times, very indistinct. At one point it sort of interacted with the heaviness or stiffness in the upper back, which started vibrating at the same speed.

General feeling: Okayness, slight aversion to the physical discomfort, but mostly acceptance.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/23/20 11:26 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/23/20 11:26 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 23rd 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness at first okay, but there was agitation due to external events, so I freestyle noted. Agitation subsided after maybe ten minutes, then energy quite suddenly got low, so I switched to noting ”yes” at the end of each outbreath to monitor mindfulness. Then all of a sudden after another maybe 15 minutes, energy jumped up to over medium, so I switched to Open awareness.

Body
was at first tense, then got heavy during the dullness fase, and then quite comfortable and soft when energy went up. Thoughts were many at first, but then subsided. Visual field: nothing much happened. Sound: This time I meditated in a barn building with tin roof, and it was raining, so that was the dominant sound. The reason the energy suddenly went up was that I thought I heard somebody cry incosolably outside in the rain. That was improbable, and the sound was weak, and even though it was there for a couple of minutes, I was never quite sure if was outside my head or a product of my mind. Vibrations: the rotorlike vibration came by a couple of times. Once it sort of mingled with the sound of rain.

General feeling: As mentioned, it shifted during the sitting, but generally okayness, and the last twenty minutes even calm, contentment, ease.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/24/20 4:24 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/24/20 4:24 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 24th 2020, first sitting of the day, 120 minutes (with a halfway bell at 60 minutes).

Mindfulness went up and down several times, so I adjusted the techinique accordingly: When energy was high (maybe 20 percent of the time) I sat with Open awareness; when it was medium (around 20 percent of the time), I freestyle noted, and when it was low (60 percent of the time, most of which was in the last hour), I noted ”yes” at the end of the outbreath to monitor mindfulness.

Body
was generally comfortable and at ease, a little back pain, I adjusted posture several times. Thoughts were present almost constantly the first 40-45 minutes, then subsided when dullness kicked in and from then on almost only showed up in the form of dreamlike nonsense dialogue for 2-3 seconds when I dipped from subtle to strong dullness. Visual field: Most of the time just some dim light softly moving, during the first hour some flashes of faces and scenery, poor image quality, foggy, dim. Now and then some more bright shimmering. Last hour I don’t recall anything going on there. Sound: Highpitched notes in both ears, going up and down in volume, most of the time noisily vibratory. Vibration: The rotorlike vibration appeared a dozen times or so and stayed for 0,5-2 minutes each time. I used to think that it only showed up when enery was high, but that is not the case: It came several times during the final hour of mostly dullness, still located behind me and/or in the or at the spine. Now I sense that it requires stable, but not necessarily high energy, and some sort of zoning out or relaxion of attention, that I am not able to produce at will.

Consideration: Exploring dullness is still new to me (I used to fight it), and I still sometimes find it boring with the ”low visibility” of the sensory input, not much going on-ness, but I am beginning to be better able to enjoy the calm. I guess it is a question of stabilizing the low energy so that there is not this subtle restlessnes, aversion, fight due to the worry that I might lose mindfulness completely and nod off. Why am I afraid of nodding of? What’s the big deal if I did? Fear of losing control? Probably. Solution: Nod off next time!

General feeling: Calm, especially the last hour, comfortable, a bit boredom now and then, a bit physical discomfort now and then, but overall contentment, okayness, no biggie-ness.
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 7/24/20 5:31 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/24/20 5:31 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2326 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
One way to find the balance of being with the rotor sounds is to gently ponder while listening: "are these sounds inside me or outside me? no one else can hear them, so they are inside me, but the sounds seem to happen to me which makes them seem like outside of me. what would these sounds sound like if they were nether inside nor outside me and what would "listening" mean in this case?" Experiment with different versions of that kind of curious and playful and yet serious attitude.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/24/20 12:32 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/24/20 12:32 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Thanks for the comment. As you can see in my report below, it had impact emoticon.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/24/20 12:35 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/24/20 12:35 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 24th 2020, second sitting of the day, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness medium, sometimes a bit lower than that. I sat with open awareness all the time.

Body
was okay, a little back pain, I adjusted posture a couple of times, otherwise comfortable. Thoughts were few, or perhaps a bit more than few, nearly all of them about the vibration (see below). Sound: highpitched notes in boths ears, mind didn’t pay much attention to them. Visual field: dim light, 5-6 times a flash of my own face, distorted, fearful, maybe in pain, one of them vomited light. All were there for just a fraction of a second, were clearly seen, not reacted to emotionally at all, and immediately let go of. Vibration: The whole sitting was completely dominated by the rotorlike vibration. It actually started a couple of minutes before I began meditating! I was preparing my self, re-reading shargrol’s latest comment, and as I was reading, I realized that the vibrations were already there (I have had them off cushion a couple of times before, very shortly). Attention immediately attached it self to the vibrations, and I remained mindful of them while I sort of rushed through the initial part of my set-up, through the samatha part, no need for that, the mind was sufficiently settled, so I quickly went to Open awareness, and the vibrations stayed during the entire sitting. Sometimes more distinct, some times less, a few times almost gone or perhaps gone for a couple of seconds. Attention was very much drawn to them, and I tried to follow shargrol’s advice and investigated them. I used questions: ”Are they inside or outside? What if they are neither? From where do I experience them?” etc – No clear answers, of course, but maybe a couple of times some sort of quick change of the, eh, quality or scope (?) of attention, difficult to describe. I also used vipassana techiques, i.e. tried to locate, delimit, penetrate etc. The vibrations moved a bit around, sometimes they definitely felt like ”inside” around the solar plexus and between the shoulder blades, at other times they definitely felt external, behind my back or to the right of me. I still can’t quite tell if the vibrations are auditory or tactile, I tried to determine if they could be some sort of tics of slight muscular trembling, but the muscles didn’t seem tight or tense or cramped at all. So it must be a trembling in the mind, I thought. It occured to me that the highpitched sound in my ears in a similar way are both inside and outside or neither, I investigated them for a couple of seconds, but mind was drawn back to the vibrations. Interestlingly, mindfulness wasn’t super strong, I even had one or to dips into subtle (or not so subtle) dullness, but that didn’t seem to matter at all, mind just smoothly pulled back up and continued the investigation.

General feeling: curiousity, calm, excitement. I can still sense the vibrations as I write this.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/24/20 5:03 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/24/20 5:03 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 24th 2020, third sitting of the day, 72 minutes, late evening, sat without a timer.

Mindfulness first strong and unstable, there was agitation, then it dropped to dullnes, even strong dullness, and I decided to stop and go to bed (after about half an hour), but the minute the decision was made, energy went up, so I changed my mind and kept sitting. I did Open awareness all the way.

Body
: comfortable all the way through, very still, only few minor corrections to posture. The last half hour or so body was as almost frozen or paralyzed, held upright all by it self, it would have taken some considerable effort to get it out of the posture. It was sort of tense in the surface, as if held in a magnetic field. These body sensations were neutral to slightly unpleasant, but there was zero aversion to them. Sound: highpitched sounds in both ears as usual. Visual field: In the beginning, during agitation, very chaotic, fast pace of image fragments, mainly faces. When energy got high and stable, almost all activity in the visual field disappeared. Vibrations: I was looking for them, craving them, and they only showed up in glimpses – I was striving too much, and I knew it, but couldn’t help myself. Then I got tired and as mentioned almost gave up, and THEN they came! The second I stopped completely looking for them, they were there, and energy got stable. After that they were there on and off for the rest of the sitting, mind got preoccupied with other stuff, they were no longer the only important thing.

Event: There was a strange phase of about five-seven minutes (cirka 50-60 minutes in) where the ”inner” experience of the body more or less disappeared. It took me a while to figure out what had happened. The first thing I noticed was that my eyes were open (visually it only made a little difference since I was sitting in a quite dark room). I had no recollection of the eyelids sliding up, this must have happened by it self, and there had been no dullness for a long time (I have never experienced this before). I closed the eyes, but shortly thereafter, they slid up again, this time mindfulness caught them in the very act, but I decided to follow along and let them remain open. For maybe ten seconds the visual field sort of detached itself from the rest of the experience. It wasn’t seen from the body’s position, from a place behind the eyes, as usual – it was just there. There was a reaction of wonder and surprise, and so I closed my eyes again so as not to get to excited. A little later I noticed that the body sensations were also just there, sort of free floating in space (as was the hight pitched note in my ear, it was no longer in my ear, just there). There was no longer the automatic construction of the body, and I could sort of navigate the pulsations, heaviness, wavy movements, tightness etc. and ”see” that, ah, this must be the forehead, this must be the arms, but I didn’t feel the forehead or the arms, not in the usual way. The body sensations had detached them selves from (the usual experience of) the body. The vibrations were also there, just there, not inside or outside. This lasted some minutes, I think (I suspect the experience of time might have been distorted, since this was quiet weird). Then things slowly warped back to normal. Still immense sensate clarity, calm, ease.

General feeling: Clarity, calm, curiousity, weirdness, wonder.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/25/20 7:24 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/25/20 7:24 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 25th 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 + 17 minutes (kept sitting a bit after the bell rang).

Mindfulness went a bit up and down around medium level, never got superstrong, never sank in to real dullness. Some subtle dullness or slight zoning out, though, especially towards the end, but no aversion to it, no attempts to fight it. Body
was very comfortable, slight back pain, otherwise fine, at ease.

Thougts were mostly distant/preverbal, it got more quiet towards the end. Visual field: some times quite active with asymmetrical patterns of bright blueish white blops, fast moving, and with a lot of semi-figurative stuff as well, faces mostly. Mind was interested in this. Sound: highpitched sound was there, but not as prevalent as it usually is. Vibrations: the rotorvibes came by around a dozen times, but didn’t hang out very long. There was a slight craving for them, a grasping for them when they came, I couldn’t help myself.

General feeling: quite uneventful sitting, comfortable, calm, a bit boring, a bit aversion to the craving for ”special experiences”, not enough mindfulness energy to investigate this subtle dukkha properly.

Consideration: It strikes me that these last weeks and months, an "interesting" sitting – a sitting that feels like "good progress" – nearly always is followed by a sitting that is either uneventful or even difficult and thus "uninteresting", "not progress". Apparently I still need to be reminded that I am not in control of this process. I have known that for a long time, and at an intellectual level I totally get it, even rejoice in it, but at a deeper level there is still clinging, grasping, aversion, refusal to let go.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/25/20 12:29 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/25/20 12:28 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 25th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 + 29 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness at first strong, then some (sort of) dullness came, but I didn’t nod off, didn’t drop down into these dream fragments, it was a sort of steady low energy or perhaps a different kind of (high) energy, so dullness is perhaps not the right word: I was aware, but I am not so sure I was aware that I was aware, this metacognitive awareness – that I have practiced to strengthen since I read about in Culadas book two years ago – seemed absent or changed. Yet things were very clear with a slight otherworldly tint. Perhaps it would be most precise to say that awareness was there, but I was not that present.

Thoughts
were more or less absent, happening in the far background if at all. Body was comfortable but sort of transparent, in a way not really there, but it – and the body parts – could easily be found if I looked for them. It happened several times that I became aware of for instance the head, and then there was this sense that a fraction of a second before I became aware, the head wasn’t there, there were just pulsations, pressure, sensation etc. that hastily assembled into a head just before awareness – or rather: attention (I use Culadasa’s defintion of these to words here) – arrived. Same with other bodyparts and body as a whole. Visual field most of the time quite passive, now and then a bit of dim light moving. Apart from the first 15 minutes or so, no faces or other figurative images. Sound: highpitched notes as usual, mind was not very interested. Vibration: the rotorvibe was there on and off, going up and down in speed. Mind was less clingy towards it this time, I tried very gently tuning into it, sort of sideways with attention, looking, but not really looking. I used questions the way shargrol suggested, and vipassanesque examination (it was difficult to locate and penetrate the vibrations). I had the thought that I would try to sense each ”da” of the dadadadada … as if it was the last. That was very difficult. A few times the vibrations sort of attached themselves to the outbreath that very vaguely became highspeed staccato. From after about 55 minutes, shortly before the bell rang, the rotorlike vibrations stayed there more or less constantly until I stopped meditating – and some minutes after, while I started writing this log.

General feeling: Comfortable, content, curiousity, clarity, but in an abstract way.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/26/20 5:47 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/26/20 5:47 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 26th 2020, first sitting of the day, 78 minutes (sat without a timer).

Off
cushion remark: There were some very stressfull events in my external life yesterday evening and this morning, so I was quite agitated when I hit the cushion around noon. I didn’t write ”SamVip 1.1” in the headline of this post, because the sitting didn’t follow my usual set-up, but was quite messy, in that I shifted several times between samatha to calm the system, vipassana to objectify thoughts and feelings (anger, sadness) and even metta.

Mindfulness was okay strong and stable, but there was restless and agitation a lot of the time. Though also some periods with calm. Body was surprisingly calm and (almost) painfree. Thoughts were there a lot, loops of imagined dialogue etc. and thoughts about which meditation technique to use. Visual field: Nothing much happening. Sound: Didn’t pay much attention to sound this time, probably the highpitched note was there as usual. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibrations came by a few times when things were quiet, but then agitation and restlessness showed up again, and they were gone.

General feeling: Some aversion to the agitation and restlessness, craving for the calm and quiet that is usually there. But also acceptance. Then aversion again, then acceptance, etc. No physical discomfort, though, and after all a sense that the meditation calmed the system down (no agitation or restlessness left as I write this). And I got yet another opportunity to watch how the mind reacts to strong emotion. emoticon
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/26/20 12:01 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/26/20 12:01 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 26th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 85 minutes (sat without a timer).

Off
cushion remark: Still turbulence in external life.

Mindfulness was strong, I freestyle noted the first 45 minutes or so due to agitation. Then things got calm and I switched to open awarenss.

I’ll make it a short report this time: There were agitation and restlessness and anger and despair the first half hour or so, I noted as fast as I could, that seemed like the best strategy, and eventually things calmed down and became suprisingly peaceful for the last half hour or so. Quite a contrast from beginning to end of this sitting. Felt gratitute that I have meditation in my life.
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Pepe ·, modified 3 Years ago at 7/26/20 12:56 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/26/20 12:56 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 712 Join Date: 9/26/18 Recent Posts
 Hi Niels, the frame of the thread is going out of bounds. For future posts, please press "reply" to the (first) original post, just like I did in this one, not to your last  one.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/27/20 5:51 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/27/20 5:51 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 27th 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 60 + 32 minutes (kept sitting after the bell).

Off
cushion remark: Still very turbulent events and emotions in my off cushion life.

Mindfulness was very strong and stable, there was agitation for the first five or ten minutes, during my initial samatha, and then, much to my surprise, things really calmed down, so I did a few minutes of freestyle noting to make sure I wasn’t surpressing or overlooking something, but as things still seemed very calm and quiet, I switched to Open awareness.

Thoughts were busy the first few minutes, related to external events, but mind by itself (so it seemed) quickly found out that there was no point in rehearsing and looping and repeating, that right now the best thing to do was to just rest and recharge the batteries. There was even a verbal thought saying ”You can take this sitting of, just take a break. Don’t even do nothing!” This made me smile, and the rest of sitting did indeed turn out to be very very quiet and calm, almost no thoughts, and the current events in my life only turned up three or four times, each time immediately disappearing again. Body was very comfortable and at ease, self held, relaxed. A little pressure and pulsations in the torso and face and head, neutral in tone, didn’t draw any attention to itself. Visual field: Dim light softly moving. I don’t recall a single figurative element such as a fragment of a face. Sound: Quite loud highpitched notes in both ears, not very vibratory this time. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibrations turned up many times, not very distinct, still apparently located behind me or in my spine, at one point at the back of my head. All in all they were present maybe a third of the time, but mind didn’t pay much attention to them.

General feeling: Much more samatha than vipassana this time, no real investigation of phenomena, no self inquiery. Calm, even peace, quiet, much clarity, a tint of gratitude, a tint of wonder. No joy (and a thought that joy perhaps ought to have been there). It felt healing, and my mood is much better now than before.

PS: Thanks for the tip, Pepe!
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/27/20 1:36 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/27/20 1:36 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 27th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 60 minutes.

Mindfulness first strong, then slowly slipping down to medium, but most of the time very stable (meaning not suddenly dipping). Open awareness all the way.

Body
comfortable, at ease, at bit back pain just to the left of the spine, middle of the back. I ”collapsed” the spine and sat face down two or three times to see if I could change this slight imbalance. I couldn’t. Thoughts were few and mostly clearly seen, except once or twice when mindfulness suddenly dipped, and I fel into a dream fragment for a second or two, before mindfulness all by itself pulled up and stabilized. Sound: highpitched notes in both ears, did not draw attention. Visual field: most of the time just dim light softly moving. For a minute or so the light gathered in a more or less symmetrical fog in the middle of the field. A few flashes of faces, most of them dim, poor image quality, but one of them was totally sharp, photorealistic, a middleaged woman’s face, she was wearing a head scarf, and her mouth was open in a silent scream of fear. This caused a slight fear reaction in an otherwise emotionally extremely neutral sitting. Vibration: Rotor like vibration was there a little less than half of the time, it was more distinct in the first half of the sitting where energy was higher, located behind me, moving amorphously up and down, at one point it was behind both ears. A sort of dull or hollow ”thud” in, or in between, each ”da” in the dadadada was felt fysically, tactily (if that's a word) at the back side of the ears.

General feeling: Calm, ease, clarity, spaciousness, curiousity, slight dullness towards the end, contentment.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/28/20 9:08 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/28/20 9:08 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
28th of July 2020. Freestyle noting in reclining position cirka 90 + 60 minutes.

Off
cushion remark: Due to life circumstances it was impossible to do formal sitting this morning, but I had the chance to meditate twice while lying in bed.

Mindfullness was weak in the first session and medium in the second.

Body totally at ease and comfortable. Thoughts: At the beginning of each session some agitation (worries, anger, thought loops), but that subsided after a few minutes, and much to my surprise thing became quiet and calm. Visual field: Nothing much happening. Sound: External sounds dominated. Some passing cars were met with slight aversion. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibrations only showed up once, very indistinct and disappeared after maybe 10-15 seconds. Perhaps they don’t manifest when I’m lying down? Or when energy is low? Hypnagogic events: There were some familiar dips into dream like fragments and short passages of lucid dreaming. But at one point a thing happened that I haven’t experienced before: There was an itch on my forehead, and my hand was just about to go up automatically and scratch it, but mindfulness kicked in the split second before the hand moved, I noted ”itching” and had the feeling that I – with eyes closed – in a flash saw my hand (and arm) rising to scratch the forehead, as I would have seen it, had my eyes been open, and had I indeed liftet the hand (which I didn’t). The hand (and arm) were made of light and moved through a hazy darkness, black and white, no colours, like an X-ray image. The thought came: I just saw a visual expression of intention – was this my subtle body I saw? (I am not sure what a subtle body is). Mind thought that was cool.

General feeling: Apart from the initial agitation calm and quiet, comfortable. Most of the first session and a good part of the second were spend in the hypnagogic borderland, which is new territory for me. In the second session there was a slight aversion to the low energy, mind disliked the lack of clarity, the dull, hazy, foggy feel. The ”hypnagogic events” were experienced as interesting, though. I guess I will have to explore these low energy mindstates some more.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/28/20 10:52 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/28/20 10:52 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
28th of July 2020, First formal sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable, I did Open awareness all the way.

Thoughts
were almost absent, especially the last 10-15 minutes, the few ones there were, were in the far background and clearly seen. Mind totally uninterested, let go of them immediately. Body comfortable and at ease, self held, liquid like, as if sitting on the bottom of the ocean with gentle bubbly and wavy movements in and around and through the body – the boundaries of wich, especially the last ten minutes, seem to disintegrate somewhat, even though there was lots of sensate clarity. What was effected was the mind’s ”construction” of the body as this specific shape in space. I could easily find my forehead, my belly, my thigh etc., but if I didn’t specifically look for them, they – and the body as a whole – were just a bunch of shapeless but very clear sensations. Visual field: Nothing much happening here. At one point, though, the dim and softly moving light seemed to gather to a more or less circular fog with a small black hole in the middle. Mind got quite interested in this and dwelled on it until it went away after maybe half a minute. Sound: The usual highpitched notes in both ears. Vibrations: the rotorlike vibrations were there on and off, maybe twenty percent of the time, very indistinct and sort of scattered, difficult to investigate or do self inquiery with since the ”signal” was so weak.

General feeling: Calm, maybe even peaceful (had it not been for a sporadic boredom), ease, gentle curiousity (most of the time). Contentment, neutral pleasantness. No joy.
George S, modified 3 Years ago at 7/28/20 12:25 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/28/20 12:23 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2722 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Hi Niels,

I just started reading your nice detailed log. I notice that you mention boredom a few times. I often find that boredom is a symptom of a deeper aversion to, or anger about, some aspect of experience that I would rather ignore. However that could just be me the angry guy projecting!

All the best,
George
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/29/20 7:04 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/29/20 7:04 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Hey George, I think you are absolutely right: Boredom is a subtle form of aversion. And it can be difficult to see what the aversion is about. A counter measure could be curiosity. Or deep acceptance of the boredom. As you can see, I am trying to work these things out my self at the moment emoticon.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/28/20 3:41 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/28/20 3:41 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
28th of July 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable from the beginning, dropped to medium after 30-40 minutes. I did Open awareness all the way.

Thoughts
were very few and became fewer and fewer. The last half hour or so was very very quiet. Body: Very still, almost as if paralysed, tightly held. Quite powerful ”fluid” tensions or pressure in the surface of the face and head and front of torso and arms, on the edge of being unpleasant, but met with zero aversion. Slowly this pressure got a little less intense, but there was still some of it left when the bell ring. A feeling of sitting on the ocean floor, deep ocean, almost no movement in the water, just this pressure from being deep down below the surface. Visual field: Chaotic the first ten minutes or so, fragments of images, faces, abstract stuff, extremely fast moving and/or changing. Then the intensity wore off, and the last half hour or so almost nothing happened there. Sound: the usual highpitched notes, didn’t draw attention. Vibrations: the rotorlike vibrations were there a few times, but didn’t stay long.

Consideration: Perhaps there was some subtle dullness I didn’t detect, because five or ten minutes before the bell rang, a rare fully articulated thought suddenly came: ”Be curious! What is this place?” I realized that I hadn’t really investigated it much. When I did, I found it a bit weird, even slightly spooky. The visual field came alive again when curiousity came online with some dim horror faces, sculls etc., and the sense of space became more clear. Definitely seemed like an absorbtion state, but since I don’t have any real experience with jhanas, I hestitate to diagnose it more specifically.

General feeling: Very still and quiet, quite uneventfull, no joy, very neutral, otherworldly.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/29/20 7:01 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/29/20 7:01 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 29th 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable. It took less than ten minutes to reach cutting edge level of mindfulness and concentration, and it stayed there for the rest of sit (could easily have sat longer).

Thoughts
were there very often, but were clearly seen, mind wasn’t very interested in them, found them trivial (so, yes, a slight aversion to the thoughts, I guess), looked elsewhere. Body was very comfortable and at ease, self held, fluid, sitting on the bottom of the ocean-like, very still, only few and minor corrections to posture. Visual field: Nothing much going on here. Sound: Highpitched notes, especially in the left ear. Vibrations: The rotor like vibrations came by occassionally, were not very distinct and did not hang out long, were there maybe fifteen percent of the time.

Consideration: There was some boredom and restlessness, that is to say some form of aversion, maybe especially to the thoughts, and to the lack of (special) events. The Mighty Meditator Ego wanted Deep Silence (or at least interesting thoughts) and weird meditative experiences. It still felt like an absorbtion state, though, with the body very still, zero emotion (apart from the slight aversion), and mindfulness very strong and stable. There was clarity, space, a bit like sitting in a big, but dimly lit cathedral, and I could go to this corner and examine the pulsations below the nose and above the upper lip, or I could go to that corner and examine the highpitched note or the softly moving dim light, everything was clearly seen with lots of fine detail, but mind was restless, dissatisfied, looking for something, not necessarily a (new) object, but a new perspective, and new way of perceiving the cathedral. Thoughts, or the way thoughts are perceived, seem to be the problem. They seem to be slightly outside the rest of experience, not integrated, even though I usually can place them in space.

General feeling: Totally comfortable and okay, very easy to sit, some curiosity, but this slight restlessness or aversion or boredom or dukkha, a pebble in the shoe, and so: I wouldn’t use the word peaceful or the word joy for this sitting.

Question: I am not sure if I should try to turn more to the vipassana side, jack up curiosity, effort, investigation, or if I should try to turn it more to the samatha side, just rest, do absolutely nothing, try to enjoy the calm and ease, even doze off or zone out a bit?
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 7/29/20 7:18 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/29/20 7:18 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2326 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Niels Lyngsø:

Question: I am not sure if I should try to turn more to the vipassana side, jack up curiosity, effort, investigation, or if I should try to turn it more to the samatha side, just rest, do absolutely nothing, try to enjoy the calm and ease, even doze off or zone out a bit?
What you are doing is really good. Equanimity is a balance of vipassina and shamatha, in fact it's so much of a balance that they sort of become the same thing. So not strong investigation and yet not no effort, but rather stay somewhat calm and at ease and casually look around for subtle pockets of resistance or discomfort. Don't try to make resistance or discomfort go away, but rather make friends with it and see if it tells you it's story. And if it doesn't talk, just hold it gently in attention like a comforting hug and get used to the feeling of subtle resistance or discomfort.

One lama had a saying "meditation isn't, getting used to is" which basically means meditation isn't about "doing meditation", it's about getting used to things which actually turns into all of the results that we thought "doing meditation" would get us. emoticon  Many times the challenge is too much activity or too little feeling the moment. We need to get used to feeling the moment.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/29/20 1:05 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/29/20 1:04 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 29th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 90 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable, cutting edge (or at least 95 percent) reached within 5-7 minutes, last five percent only after 35-40 minutes (this has been the common pattern for the last several weeks).

Thoughts
were there now and then, came in mild showers with quiet intervals inbetween and were clearly seen. Not so much aversion to them this time (but still a little). Body comfortable, at ease, self held, sitting on the ocean floor-feel, slight pressure in the surface of the torso and arms; legs and feet not that clear, but could be found when looked for; stronger pressure in the face and head, lots of sensations inside the head: pressure, pulsation, heaviness, wavelike movements. Two times I ”collapsed” the spine and rested with face down for a minute or two before sitting up straight again. Several different distortions of the normal perception of having a head: At one point the face was gone and ”energy” (pressure, tension, streaming heaviness) was pouring through from the outside and in. At another point the face was drawn or pushed out and seemed to be maybe fifteen centimeter away, following a horisontal axis, from its usual position, giving me a non-human head form. Also some weird interactions with the visual field. Visual field in itself was quite uneventful, the usual dim light, softly moving, from time to time som blueish white shimmering. Very little figurative stuff. Sound: The usual highpitched notes in both ears, the one in the right ear often pulsating softly 1-2 hz. Vibration: The rotorlike vibration came maybe a dozen times and often stayed several minutes. The speed is going slightly up and down, mostly around 9-12 hz. Difficult to locate and delimit precisely in space, even when it is quite distinct.

General feeling: Calm and comfortable, this neutral pleasure or pleasant neutrality that seems to be the most common general feel these weeks (and months!), going a bit up and down in intensity. Ease, curiosity, slight boredom/aversion from time to time. Was suprised when the bell rang, would have estimated that I had been sitting for 65-70 minutes, but then 90 minutes had passed, and I could easily have sat longer, had practical circumstanses allowed it.

PS: Thanks, shargrol, for keeping an eye on me. emoticon Your remarks are very helpful and much appreciated.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/29/20 7:03 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/29/20 7:03 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 29th 2020, third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 54 minutes, sat without a timer, began half an hour after midnight.

Mindfulness strong and stable, cutting edge (or at least 95 percent) reached within 5-7 minutes, last five percent after perhaps 15 minutes, difficult to say.

Thoughts
were very few and clearly seen. No aversion to them, no interest either. Body comfortable, very still, self held, almost as if paralyzed. Pressure in the surface, especially the face and head. Visual field: Almost nothing going on here. I sat in a pitch dark room, and a couple of times I sat with open eyes a few minutes, but that did not make much of difference. Some vague shimmering, now and then a dim fragment of a face. Sound: noisy highpitched sound in left ear. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibration was there three or four times, didn’t hang out for long, was not very distinct. ”Events”: All in all this was exceptionally uneventful – I don’t think I have ever spent a conscious hour in my life with so little happening before. The two most notable things were 1) The first ten minutes or so, there was a subtle fear, maybe due to the fear reactions last time I did a late night sitting. Especially when I opened my eyes the first time, there was a kind of daring (pre-verbalized) thought, wordlessly saying something like: ”Okay, show me what you’ve got” or ”You can’t scare me”. Nothing even remotely scarry happened. 2) I thought I had been sitting for half an hour and was very surprised to see that almost the double amount of time had passed. It was especially surprising since it was so utterly uneventfull – I would have thought that the time distortion would have been of the opposite kind. How did all that time pass so quickly with nothing happening, not even boredom (except for the last few minutes)? Was mindfulness not as strong as I think? Did I doze of or zone out without noticing it? Everything felt very clear and stable. No dullness detected, no dullness here afterwards. General feeling: Comfortable, calm, still, content, very neutral, slightly weird. Very absorption-like, but I have no idea which jhana, if any (and my analytical mind is a bit curious).
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SushiK, modified 3 Years ago at 7/30/20 2:31 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/30/20 2:31 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 161 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Hi Niels,


What does SamVip 1.1 means exactly?
Splitting half your sitting time on Samatha and the other half on Vipassana?

Have a nice day,
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/30/20 2:47 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/30/20 2:47 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Hey Sushi, It is explained in the first post of the thread emoticon
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/30/20 4:58 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/30/20 4:58 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 30th 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable, 85-90 percent of cutting edge reached within ten minutes, the last bit maybe 40 minutes in.

Body
comfortable and at ease, bottom of the ocean-feel, soft, a slight pressure, pulsations and bubbly movements in the surface. Twice there was a period with lightly and coolly tingling sensations in the skull and face, experienced as slightly pleasant – I haven’t had those for a long time. Thougts were there quite often, but clearly seen, mostly in the background. Sound: highpitched notes in both ears, going slightly up and down in volume. Visual field: Nothing much going on, dim light softly moving. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibrations were there maybe 40-50 percent of the time, a couple of times they were investigated thoroughly, otherwise they were just there, met with interest and curiosity. At one point they definitely seemed to be in front of me, on or slightly inside the chest. This is new, since they hitherto have been experienced as behind me, in or at my spine.

Consideration: This time it struck me that there are lots of other vibratory phenomena than the rotor. In the tactile or proprioceptive field there are lots of smaller and bigger pulsations, bubbles etc. with different speeds and intensities and durations. The – I know: quite obvious – thought stroke me that the body was experienced as nothing but vibrations: There isn’t (necessarily) a face or a chest with vibrations and bubbly pressure in or on it, there are just vibrations and bubbly pressure – face and chest can be constructed as such, but they are in no way experienced as stable, solid, well defined. But the rotorlike vibration is different, though it is hard to say how. Somehow it doesn’t belong or cannot be integrated or feel foreign.

General feeling: Calm, ease, gentle curiousity, slight pleasure or joy. But still a tiny pebble in the shoe.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/30/20 4:36 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/30/20 4:36 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 30th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness at first strong and stable, 85-90 percent of cutting edge reached within ten minutes, 100 percent reached around 20-25 minutes, then energy dropped somewhat after around 45-50 minutes.

Thoughts
were there quite often, three or four times I got sucked into them for a few seconds and lost mindfulness. Body was comfortable and very very still, only a few minor corrections to posture. There was pressure in the surface of the body, especially upper arms, face and head, a quite intense and relatively stable, homogenous pressure that sort of held the body in a grip. The pressure was bordering on painful, but there was zero aversion to it, mind kind of liked it. A couple of times there was a pleasurable wave of warmth in the chest and face (it’s been a long time since I’ve had such sudden temperature changes). Visual field quite active, almost chaotic the first 15 minutes or so, the slowly subsided to almost no activity the last 15-20 minutes. Sound: the usual highpitched notes in both ears. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibe was there several times, especially the first half of the sitting, one time very distinct.

Consideration: There was a course of this sitting, as if the body mind system is trying to balance it self: First there was almost to much energy, strong pressure, chaotic visual field, but at the same time almost no thoughts and a very very still body. Then the energy evened out, visual field subsided, pressure got slightly less, clarity got really good; here there was almost perfect balance. But towards the end, I think energy dropped to medium or even lower, but I am not sure, because the absorption like feeling (pressure and very still body, sense of slightly altered state of consciousness) continued, but I got sleepy underneath it. I dropped into some dreamlike thoughts a couple of times, lost interest, actually forgot what I was doing at one point. I think I could have taken a nap and still have sat up straight and ”pressurized”, ”absorbed”. This seemed unbalanced, as if energy was (too) high in the body and (too) low in the mind.

General feeling: still, comfortable, intense, curiousity, content.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/31/20 8:19 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/31/20 8:19 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 31st 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1.

Off cushion remark: Some emtionally demanding stuff going on in my external life (I note it here since it might have affected this sitting).

Mindfulness okay strong and stable, maybe it dropped a bit towards the end. Don’t think I quite got to my cutting edge this time, reached maybe 90 percent after 35-40 minutes, stayed there maybe ten minutes, and the dropped a bit again.

Body
was comfortable, except from a little back pain, no biggie, overall there was this soft liquid bubbly feeling to the body, and a light pressure in the surface of it. Thoughts: There were thoughts almost constantly, they took up center stage this time, ten percent were just random shit, ten percent about my current life situation, and eighty percent were practice related thoughts along then lines of: ”What am I missing? Why is this not quite right? I mean, it’s comfortable and all, but there is this tiny dissatisfaction …” There was an occassional craving for SE, immediately followed by an aversion to that craving, immediately followed by a letting go of the question. There were thoughts about the restlessness of mind movements: Why is mind going to this flickering in the visual field, then this body sensation, then … What is it looking for? What are these micro cravings about? Why can’t I just accept everything as it is, I have come so far, things are just fine now, very bearable, where is it that the grass seem to be greener, why am I still striving? etc etc. Visual field: Light seemed to be a bit brighter than usual, especially when energy was at its highest. Several times there were flickerings. Sound: highpitched notes in both ears. Vibrations: The rotolike vibe came by a couple of times, never became really distinct.

General feeling: Comfortable and all, no problems as such, but this little dukkha, a tint of irritation, dissatisfaction, sadness even. A relief when the bell rang (and aversion to the relief, since it "shouldn't be there"). Slight disappointment, it felt like ”bad practice”, like sliding back.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 7/31/20 3:26 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 7/31/20 3:26 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
July 31st 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 82 minutes, sitting in a car on a parking lot, so conditions weren’t ideal.

Mindfulness was strong and stable, never reached cutting edge, though, agitation and aversion the first 45 minutes, then, quite suddenly, things calmed down and stayed more balanced for the rest of the sitting, reaching maybe 85 percent of cutting edge from then on.

Body
comfortable and at ease, some pressure in the surface, especially face and head. Thoughts were frequent, half of them practice related, other half life related. Maybe ten percent aversion and ninety percent acceptance to thoughts. Sound: Lots of noisy external sounds and strong aversion to them in the beginning, but that gradually subsided, and even though the noises continued, mind got quite calm the last half hour or so. Visual field: Nothing much happening.

General feel: From low level agitation and medium level aversion to calm and content. Physically comfortable all the way. No biggie, just another day at the (this time: mobile) office.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/1/20 4:23 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/1/20 4:23 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
1st of August 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable, reached cutting edge after 10-12 minutes, stayed there, could easily have sat longer. Did open awareness all the way.

Body
was very comfortable, at ease, easily self held, liquid, bottom of the ocean-feel. The pressure in the surface of it was lighter than usual, very subtly bubbly. Experienced as neutral to slightly pleasurabl. Thoughts were few and clearly seen, mostly practice related. Visual field: Some amorphous activity, dim (and sometimes a bit brighter) light softly moving, some blueish white sparkles and stars. Only very little figurative stuff. Sound: Highpitched note in left ear all the way, in right ear on and off. The one in the left ear seemed ”thicker” or more full, with more overtones (usually it is very sine like). Vibrations: The rotorlike vibration was there three or four times, only briefly, there was a slight craving for more of it, it seemed that it ”ought” to come, since things were so calm and clear, and energy was high and stable.

Consideration: When I did my initial structured noting and did the senses (seeing, hearing, feeling), I noticed that I could note any of these three fields randomly, they were sort of equally clear all the time, it was only because I had to note, that I (or: attention) picked one rather than the other. When I switched to open awareness, mind investigated this a bit further, holding several things equally clear in attention (or awareness?), so for instance there was body sensation (pressure), and through that as if through a veil the visual field was seen (softly moving light), and through both of these, the internal note in the left ear was ”seen” (known), and through the ”sphere” (in the sense of medieval cosmology) where this sound was, external sound was heard. And while all these layers were known at the same time, there was also an image thought (a face of a person I saw in a tv show yesterday). I then wondered if all this really was there simultaneously, or if attention just switched very rapidly back and forth between then. I didn’t manage to detect such movements, but I noticed later on that mind sometimes got ”stuck” on one of the ”spheres” (the visual field, for instance), and when I noticed, it detached it self and floated more freely.

General feel: Comfortable, calm, still, half way through bordering on pleasurable, towards the end bordering on peaceful. Dominant feature: Clarity, curiousity, slight awe.
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 8/1/20 11:58 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/1/20 11:58 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 1310 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
I wanted to tell you for your support on my log. I also wanted to tell you that not only do I still read your log religously, it's the one that inspires me the most right now. I am so impressed by your diligence in sitting 3-4 hours a day. May you continue to practice well!
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 8/1/20 12:38 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/1/20 12:37 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 871 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent Posts
Hey sam, as Niels suggested, it would probably be a really good idea to do full meditation days sometimes. It can really help you move into the territory that niels is in right now, a'd help build momentum, as daily sits seem much less daunting when you have gone through 8 sits in a row, say.

Niels, your practice right now is becoming really mature, it  is inspiring and a pleasure to read emoticon
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 8/1/20 1:01 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/1/20 1:01 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 1310 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
Olivier:
Hey sam, as Niels suggested, it would probably be a really good idea to do full meditation days sometimes. It can really help you move into the territory that niels is in right now, a'd help build momentum, as daily sits seem much less daunting when you have gone through 8 sits in a row, say.

I'll try. I have a weeklong IMS retreat for advanced meditators Sept 1st.

Niels, your practice right now is becoming really mature, it  is inspiring and a pleasure to read emoticon
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/1/20 5:45 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/1/20 5:45 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Thanks so much for the kind words, guys emoticon.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/1/20 5:49 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/1/20 5:49 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
1st of August 2020, second sitting of the day (beginning around 23:20, so a late night sitting), SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable, reached cutting edge after 10-12 minutes. I did open awareness. After about 30 minutes there was a shift (see below), and I switched to noting ”yes” at the end of each outbreath.

Body
was very comfortable and at ease, soft, liquid, self held, bottom of the ocean-like. At first there was a quite strong pressure in the surface, neutral in feeling tone. Around the amentioned shift, the pressure became lighter and the body sort of floated and felt very light. Thoughts very few from the beginning, then there was a phase, just around the shift, where I dropped into dreamlike thought fragments for a second or two before mindfulness went up again. This happened maybe three-four times. After that thoughts were totally absent. Visual field: Nothing much going on. Sound: The usual highpitched notes. Vibration: the rotorlike vibration came by 4-5 times the first half hour, didn’t stay long, was very subtle.

Consideration: The shift half way through was a bit strange. I am not sure if energy suddenly just plummeted, so that I basically just dozed off and went into gross dullness, or if I entered a different mindstate: The thing is, I detected dullness, and began noting ”yes” at the end of the outbreaths. Then there were these 3-4 times where I dropped into dreamlike dullness and forgot to note. I have tried that lots of times before. After that it still happened again and again that I forgot to note, but now there were no dreamlike thoughts, no verbal, preverbal or visual thoughts at all. What I dropped into was something else. It was almost as if I was asleep, and mindfulness was very low, too low to note, but not totally gone. I was somehow still there, the head did not nod once, the body sat upright completely effortlessly and was soft and comfortable. Some sort of lucid sleep, if that is a thing? It was very pleasant. I didn’t think of going back to freestyle noting to get mindfulness back of – and I am not sure if that would have been the best thing to do?

General feeling: Calm, comfortable, pleasant. Felt like I could have continued for hours, but I had to go to sleep.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/2/20 9:52 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/2/20 9:52 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
August 2nd 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was low all the way (I was a bit sleep deprived), going from subtle to gross dullness, I never came near cutting edge. Did freestyle noting all the way.

Body
was in general okay, but tired, some tensions in the chest, moving to the back, back to the chest, at one point a sharply delimited pain, size of a fingertip, in the crown, lasted a minute or two. Also a sligth restlessness due to the dullness. Thoughts were many to begin with, but things became more quiet the last twenty minutes. Visual field: Nothing much going on. Sound: highpitched notes in both ears.

General feeling: There was some aversion to the dullness, especially the first half hour, more acceptance toward the end, even a little investigation of it. None of it was that bad, though, no escalation (aversion to the aversion), so: an ”uninspired” sitting experienced through an eq filter.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/2/20 12:58 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/2/20 12:58 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
August 2nd 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable, reached 90 or 95 percent of cutting edge after maybe 15 minutes, never got quite to a hundred. Did open awareness.

Body
was comfortable, a bit back pain, but sat quite still. Thoughts: Practice related thoughts almost all the way through, aversise a la ”why is nothing happening? Why don’t I get deeper? What am I missing? What am I aversive to?” etc. Visual field: Nothing much happening. Sound: high pitched notes in bot ears. Vibrations: The rotor like vibe was there maybe 25 percent of the time, at one point behind my right ear, at another in the middle of the solar plexus, otherwise behind me. Still very subtle, hard to detect and delimit.

General feeling: Comfortable, clear, still, but this aversive thought stream about practice itself.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/3/20 6:48 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/3/20 6:48 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
3rd of August 2020, first two sittings of the day, SamVip 1.1, 76 + 72 minutes (done in a car seat in a parking lot without a timer, only interrupted by 15 minutes of conversation).

Mindfulness strong and stable through both sittings, but due to suboptimal conditions (not so much the noise and presence of other people near by as the lack of a ”freestanding”, fully erect spine), I never reached cutting edge, but within 10-12 minutes of each sitting reached somewhere around 85 percent, not really absorption like, but quite calm.

Body
very comfortable and at ease, but I missed the sense of balance and alertness that comes from a ”freestanding” erect spine. Thoughts were there frequently, all in all maybe half of the time, mostly practice related. No aversion to thoughts this time. Visual field much more active than usual due to the shiftig external light, gold and yellow and yellowish white chaotic patterns when the sun was out, sudden shifts to an almost monochrome lavender or purplish blue, when the sun crept behind a cloud (I assume). Sometimes more centralized or symmetrical patterns. Mind dwelled on all this from time to time, relaxed with it, found it beautiful, didn’t crave anything specific. Sound: External sounds dominated (cars, trains, birds, church bells, people walking by talking etc.), no internally generated sounds were detected. Vibrations: No rotorlike vibrations this time, even though mind was calm and body still. I think it might be due to the non erect spine and/or the fact that I didn’t reach my cutting edge.

Consideration: First sitting had less thoughts and more just calm relaxation than the second sitting, where practice related thoughts were there frequently, especially towards the end. They were not met with aversion, perhaps because they were slightly different than usual. It started off by the well known search for the self or the observer position. Then thoughts about background and foreground: A train passed by and the sound of it became foreground; I could pull attention – I use Culadasa definitions of attention (= focus, foreground) and awareness (= background) here – away and move it to something else, bodily sensation of my face, for instance, then the train sound became part of the background. An obvious thought (I might be a bit dense) suddenly occurred to me: The idea of background and foreground only makes sense if there is a third entity, namely the observer. I then began trying to pull attention back everytime it landed on something and thus made it ”foreground”. The goal was to see if I could make everything background. Because often, when I am in deeper absorption than I was in this sitting, that is how it feels: Almost no attention, only awareness. But all that pulling began creating agitation and thus less clear awareness. In stead I began working with the different sense fields as ”layers” and tried to see how many I could keep in awareness at the same time. So for instance: Okay, here is the tactile sensations of the crown of the head, that’s one layer, on top of that I put the visual field, and then a layer of external sound. All three layers seemed to be ”known” simultaneously. I added an image thought, a face (and discovered that I could move it around, place it to the left, to the right etc.). And the other layers were still there. So apparently I could keep almost everything and anything in mind at the same time. BUT: Tactile sensations of the body, especially the head, seemed to be the ”innermost” layer. The other layers were folded around that. I tried to make one of the other layers the ”innermost” (that is: most self like), but didn’t succeed.

General feeling: Comfortable, calm, curious, content, at ease.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/3/20 12:55 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/3/20 12:55 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
3rd of August 2020, third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was weak during most of the sitting, but rose through medium towards strong during the last ten minutes or so. I did freestyle noting, then – when dullness was quite gross – I only managed to do a ”yes” towards the end of each outbreath, and finally, when mindfulness became strong, I did open awareness for the last couple of minutes. Never reached cutting edge, but the last couple of minutes were about 90 percent.

Body
was comfortable and at ease, though not very clear due to the dullness. Thoughts were present maybe 20 percent of the time, but only semi-clearly seen. When dullness was strong, I dipped into dream like nonsense thoughts a couple of times, each time lasting maybe one or two seconds. Visual field: Nothing much happening. Sound: Highpitched note in left ear. Vibration: The rotorlike vibration was absent for the first 50 minutes or so, but the suddenly appeared, and in that same moment, energy suddenly went up, and dullness disappeared. I am not sure if a spike in energy brought the vibrations along or vice versa.

General feeling: Totally okay, no aversion to the dullness, comfortable, contentment, no biggie.
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 8/3/20 12:59 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/3/20 12:59 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 1310 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
what do you  mean by "cutting edge"?

I guess it's in the first post, but you don't note the whole session right? You note in shargrol's style for some short periods and then move to open awareness/shamatha?
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/3/20 2:56 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/3/20 2:56 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Hey Sam, By "cutting edge", I mean my maximum level of mindfulness. Up until a couple of months ago, I wouldn't reach my cutting edge off retreat, but now it often happens in daily sittings. My set-up for practice is described in the first post, but a brief resumé could be that I warm up with som samatha and some structured noting a la shargrol, which takes some 5-10 minutes, and then I switch to Open awareness (aka noticing without labels aka "Do nothing") – unless mind is or gets either to agitated or to dull, in that case I do freestyle noting. emoticon
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/4/20 2:49 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/4/20 2:49 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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3rd of August 2020, fourth sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 40 minutes, beginning just after midnight.

Mindfulness at first strong, then after 25 minutes or so began degrading, ending very low. I reached cutting edge after ten minutes. Did Open awareness. Some thoughts
the first 5-10 minutes, after that thoughts were almost completely absent. Body was very comfortable, soft, self held, mild pressure in the surface, very very still and with a slightly pleasant feeling tone. Highpitched sound, high volume, in both ears. Almost no activity in the visual field. Course of the sitting: The first 20 minutes or so, mindfulness was very strong while virtually nothing happened. There was zero boredom, no forms of aversion, no investigation, it was just very peaceful. Then mindfulness gradually dropped. The last five minutes I was more or less sleeping, with the body still totally upright, soft, self held, no nodding off of the head, no desire to collapse the spine or lie down. Body was awake, mind almost asleep, with a bare minimum of mindfulness, even though I in a sense also seemed to be totally gone several minutes on end – and then a little flicker of mindfulness.

Question: I stopped and went to bed because I felt I was just more or less sleeping in an upright sitting position. Would there be any point in doing a long sitting in this state of mind? I think I could have sat there all night. emoticon

General feeling: comfortable, very content, peaceful, relaxed.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/4/20 6:08 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/4/20 6:08 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
4th of August 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable, reached 90-95 percent of cutting edge after ten minutes, stayed there. Did Open awareness all the way.

Body
comfortable, at ease, slight back pain, but no aversion to it. Thoughts were there maybe half of the time, clearly seen, half of them practice related. Visual field: Nothing much going on. Sound: high pitched note in left ear, and on and off also in right ear. Vibrations: The rotor like vibration came by four or five times, not very distinct, didn’t stick around long.

General feeling: Comfortable, lots of clarity, ease, a slight restlessness, bit of a meh feeling, but totally okay, no biggie.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/4/20 12:16 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/4/20 12:16 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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4th of August 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Off cushion remark: Some emotionally challenging stuff in my external life, so I was exhausted when I hit the cushion.

Mindfulness began around middle, dropped to low, and then went up an down between these two. Never reached cutting edte. Switched between Freestyle noting and noting ”in”, ”out”, following the breath, when mindfulness was low. Lost mindfulness completely two or three times, little jerk in the body, head almost nodding off.

Body
okay, slightly restless, some back pain, no aversion to the discomfort. Thoughts were there most of the time, not very clearly seen due to dullnes. Visuael field: Nothing much goint on. Sound: Highpitched notes in both ears. Vibrations: The rotor like vibration came by twice when energy was at its highest, quite distinct, but only present maybe half a minute.

General feeling: Comfortable, okayness, no biggie, a bit meh due the dullness.

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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/4/20 6:05 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/4/20 6:05 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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4th of August 2020, third and fourth sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 36 + 56 minutes without timer, first one mid evening, second around midnight (I’m squeezing in sittings where I can these days and get interrupted by external reality – could have sat much longer both times).

Mindfulness strong and stable in mid evening sit, ditto at the beginning of midnight sit, but it slowly wore off from after 30-35 minutes. I reached cutting edge in both sittings after less than ten minutes, stayed there in the mid evening sit, but fell back from it in the midnight sit. Did Open awareness, except the last part of the midnight sit, where I noted ”yes” at the end of each outbreath to monitor mindfulness as it got lower and lower.

Body
very comfortable and very very still, soft, self held, slight pressure in the surface, bottom of the ocean-feel. In the mid evening sit, there was a lot of tactile acitivity inside the head: pressure, pulsations, wavelike movements. In the midnight sit there was some pleasant tingling in the scull and face a couple of times. Thoughts were very few, and after ten minutes of each sit almost absent. In the mignight sit, when energy dropped, thoughts returned in that I dropped into dream like dialogue fragments a couple of times. Sound: highpitched note in left ear. Visual field: In the mid evening sit, some faces the first ten minutes or so, after that almost no activity. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibration came by several times, one time it changed speed up and down, at another point it was more like a drum roll. Still mainly located at or in the spine.

General feel: Calm, still, comfortable, peaceful, very little happening, no investigation or effort, only a tint of curiousity, a very passive, receptive feeling of ”just sitting”.
a my les, modified 3 Years ago at 8/4/20 8:12 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/4/20 8:12 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 13 Join Date: 11/19/19 Recent Posts
Dear Niels,

Just wanted to wish you well. I am also in a similar place in practice and sitting a similar amount of time as you, with similar set-up (thanks shargrol, I have read all your posts multiple times over), and comparable experiences on the cushion. May you enjoy your sits and get what you are seeking (by not seeking it, of course emoticon) !
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/5/20 4:27 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/5/20 4:26 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
5th of August, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 90 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable. A slight drop in energy the last 10-15 minutes. Reached cutting edge after about 15 minutes, stayed there, almost to the end. Did open awareness, and in the last 10-15 minutes noted a ”yes” at the end of each outbreath to maintain strong mindfulness, since I felt a suble dullness creeping in.

Body
was comfortable, soft, liquid, bottom of the ocean-like, slight pressure in the surface. Got a slight back pain after about one hour, collapsed the spine to rest for at few minutes, then sat up straight again. Thougts were few and clearly seen, about half of them practice related. The other half just random stuff with no emotional charge what so ever. At one point, though, there suddenly was the verbalized thought ”I am not of this world!” (referring to a childhood fantasy about being a foundling from outer space), followed by a reaction of sadness which hung around for maybe ten seconds. I mention this because my sittings these days usually are emotionally very very neutral, once the mind settles. Sound: The usual highpitched notes in both ears, going up and down in volume. Visual field: Nothing much going on, dim light softly moving. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibration came by a few times, didn’t become very distinct, didn’t stay long. There was some doubt as to whether it was actually there – and ever had been there, if it was just something I imagined.

General feeling: Calm, quiet, comfortable, content. Apart from a slight boredome two or three times, I did not detect any aversion. Just a no biggie ”niceness”, this pleasant neutrality or neutral pleasure. Could easily have sat longer, had time allowed.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/5/20 10:06 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/5/20 10:06 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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5th of August, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Off cushion remark: some anger and sadness and worries going round the system, not clear if it is practice or life related or both. Even though this sitting was emotionally neutral, I think these emotions played a role in that they exhausted me and caused the energy to drop.

Mindfulness strong to begin with, but then dropped after 20-25 minutes and was low for the rest of the sitting. Never quite reached cutting edge or only touched it briefly in a short period when energy stabilized and before it dropped. Did Open awareness, then freestyle noting when energy went down, and when energy dropped further, I just noted ”in” and ”out” following the breath and opened my eyes. Eyes were closing by themselves several time when dullness was really gross.

Body
okay, a bit physical agitation the first ten minutes or so: strong, almost painful pressure in the surface, lots of tiny fast movements in the pressure, felt like ”agitated energy”. Thoughts: Almost monkey mind like activity – but emotionally quite neutral – at the beginning when the system was agitated, then it subsided and thoughts came infrequently and were not very clearly seen due to dullness. Sound: high pitched note in both ears. Visual field: Chaotic during the initial agitation, aggressive faces (human, semi-human and animal), horror film like frightened faces. Then it subsided, and nothing much happened. Vibration: Rotorlike vibration came by to or three times in the short period when energy stabilized and hadn’t dropped yet. Felt it at the spine and behind my ears.

Consideration: The first ten minutes or so was an unusual way of experiencing emotions. I didn’t feel angry or sad or scared in any normal sense of these words, there wasn’t this contraction or confusion to it, I just observed angry and sad and scared faces and agitated physical energy in the surface of the body, and the observer was completely neutral, uninvolved, didn’t even think words like ”angry”, ”sad” or ”scared”, didn’t feel aversion to what happened. A sort of virtual emotions.

General feeling: Comfortable, no biggie, a bit aversion to the dullness, but that was caught and corrected quite quickly all by itself, a bit meh, just another day on the cushion. Strong sense that I have very little control over how these sittings unfold, and acceptance of that.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/5/20 5:16 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/5/20 5:16 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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5th of August, third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes, late night sitting (from cirka 23:00 to midnight).

Mindfulness at first strong, then after about half an hour dropped to low, and stayed there. Never quite reached cutting edge. Did open awareness first, then freestyle noting, when energy was low.

Body
was okay. The first 10-15 minutes, the pressure in the surface was intense bordering on painful, and there was some stiffness in the upper back, body was as if held in a tight grip. No aversion to this, though, just curiousity. Then the intensity of the pressure wore off, body became just self held and okay comfortable, althoug not entirely soft. Thoughts were not that frequent, at first clearly seen, but when the dullness kicked in, things got more hazy. Visual field: First 10-15 minutes quite bright blueish white light blobs disappearing towards and through the center, 3D feeling. Later on not so much activity. Sound: highpitched note in both ears.

General feeling: a bit aversion to the dullness, otherwise fine, ok comfortable, neutral, no biggie.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/6/20 4:21 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/6/20 4:21 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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6th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, intented to be SamVip 1.1, but it turned out differently, 60 minutes.

Since this sitting took an unusual course, I will skip the usual categories and describe it in one go: I am going through some emotionally difficult stuff in my external life these days and weeks, and 90-95 percent of the time I deal equanimously with it, but there is some anger and sadness in the system, which is hard to detect off cushion. This time, on cushion, these to emotions really turned up. The initial samatha, which usually only last 3-5 minutes, because then the mind is settled and ready for vipassana, took about half an hour, and still the mind wasn’t quite settled. Not that many thoughts, but a – these days – rare bodily discomfort: soreness in the back, restlessness and especially some pin of needle small areas in the face and neck with intense and unpleasant tingling. There was a lot of aversion to this discomfort, craving for the usual calm and interesting investigations. I freestyle noted for a while, mostly ”aversion”, ”sadness”, ”irritation”, ”tingling” and the like, and the decided to go back to samatha to calm the system. At one point, when it was most intense, there was the clear verbalized thought ”Where is my equanimity?!” (meaning both the stage and the state). This made my smile in the middle of all the agitation, because I immediately understood the premise behind that offended question: That there was an ”I” who was supposed to be in control and could "own" the equanimity.

General
feeling: discomfort, aversion, agitation, but mindfulness was strong, so this was all seen very clearly while it unfolded.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/6/20 8:01 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/6/20 8:01 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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6th of August 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and quite stable. Towards the end a very subtle dullness came, it made thoughts go away and reduced clarity somewhat, I think, but also gave a feeling of stability, peace. I reached 90-95 percent of cutting edge after around 15 minutes. Did Freestyle noting, and when things got clear and stable after 15 minutes, Open awareness.

Body
comfortable, but not quite still, several small corrections of posture. Last ten minutes or so it got very still, though. Thoughts came in short and clearly seen showers with quiet periods in between, thought activity maybe sixty percent of the time, but it got more and more quiet and was almost totally quiet the last ten minutes. Visual field: The light seemed a little brigter than usual. At one point it was as if the entire visual field expanded leftwards and lost connection with the tactile sense of the body. Sound: highpitched notes in both ears, quite loud this time, especially towards the end. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibration came by three or four times, one time very distinct, felt inside the chest, slightly to the left (hear area) and at the same time behind both ears.

General feeling: Calm, comfortable, emotionally neutral, content.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/6/20 1:48 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/6/20 1:48 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
6th of August 2020, third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and quite stable. After 35-40 minutes, I think energy dropped a bit (like in the second sitting today), there was a subtle dullness, but mindfulness was still continuous. At first I did freestyle noting, since there was some physical agitation in the system, and when things calmed down, I switched to Open awarenes. When energy dropped and I detected the subtle dullness, I switched to noting ”yes” at the end of each outbreath to monitor mindfulness: It was very stable, but I am not sure if energy was low, middle or maybe even more than middle, because it was so stable, and I am not yet that used to very stable low/middle energy states.

Body
self held and comfortable all the way through, bottom of the ocean feeling with pressure in the surace. At first the pressure was quite intense and dynamic with upwardgoing wavelike movements in it, neutral in feeling tone, then it stabilized and gradually wore off and became quite mild and soft around the same time the subtle dullness kicked in. Thoughts were few and clearly seen, the last 20 minutes or so very few, almost absent, things got very calm, even peacefull. Visual field: semi bright light at the beginning, fading a bit later. Sound: highpitched notes in both ears, low volume.

General feeling: Comfortable and at ease all the way, gradually more calm, even peacefull towards the end. No aversion at any point. At first neutral in feeling tone, then even slightly pleasant (the peacefullness was plesant). A bit dream like or sleep like even though mindfulness was continuous.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/7/20 3:34 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/7/20 3:34 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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August 7th 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable. There was some agitation at the beginning, so I started with Freestyle noting, then switched to Open awareness after maybe 25 minutes when things got calm and clear. Never quite reached my cutting edge, but the last 10-15 minutes were at perhaps 90 percent.

Body
: a bit discomfort, no biggie, a slight back pain (middle of the back), so I adjusted posture several times. A little aversion to the physical discomfort. Body got more still the last twenty minutes or so, though. Thoughts (and emotions such as sadness and anger) were constantly there the first ten minutes or so, relating to a difficult life situation, but they were clearly seen and noted, and after ten minutes they began subsiding. About twenty minutes in, things got quiet and calm and very clear, and from then on the system was emotionally neutral with very few and clearly seen thoughts. Visual field: Nothing much going on. Sound: highpitched note in both ears. Got higher in volume towards the end. Vibration: The rotorlike vibe was there shortly two or three times.

General feel: The course of the sit was from agitation to calm and clarity, ease.

Consideration: I am going through some tough times in my external life, and that of course influences my practice. As I interpret it, I am some times sliding down to Reobservation off cushion. This morning, for instance, I observed that I – in my thoughts and feelings – related to my life situation in a Reobservation like manner, shifting back and forth between sadness and hopelessness (Misery), anger and irritation (Disgust), and wanting to just get away, move to a monastery (Desire for deliverance). This was all seen very clearly, as if through a lense of equanimity, while I feeded the chicken and the ducks and the fish. And when I hit the cushion I sort of knew that I would work my way out of it, back up to equanimity, and that was exactly what happened. This gives me strong faith in practice. And gratitude.
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 8/7/20 6:32 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/7/20 6:20 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Niels Lyngsø:
shifting back and forth between sadness and hopelessness (Misery), anger and irritation (Disgust), and wanting to just get away, move to a monastery (Desire for deliverance). This was all seen very clearly, as if through a lense of equanimity, while I feeded the chicken and the ducks and the fish. And when I hit the cushion I sort of knew that I would work my way out of it, back up to equanimity, and that was exactly what happened. This gives me strong faith in practice. And gratitude.

Nice!

A lot of times life challenges will re-trigger our reactive patterns associated with the lower nanas... but definitely don't assume that's wrong or needs to be quickly noted away. This is part of the way the mind "figures out" external life. It will try reacting to the situation in a bunch of simplistic ways to see if it works, but eventually we figure out the core lesson of what external life is trying to teach us --- and then the simple reactions tend to go away. (And sometimes anger or getting away, etc is the right answer for specific situations -- so these nanas can be appropriate, which is another reason why we shouldn't be complete averse to having these experiences!) 

The interesting thing is by seeing how external life triggers these things we become more and more used to seeing them as simplistic patterns, possible hypothesis, rather than always believing them as real. And we'll move them very quickly in external life if they aren't appropriate, sometimes in 10 minutes, sometimes in a minute, sometimes in a second. So I doubt they ever complete go away, but they become quicker and looser. 

Some people want to skip to things becoming quicker and looser without fully allowing and experiencing the reactive patterns --- this never works. Ironically, when we really allow and accept the reactive patterns to hit us intimately and directly, then we start seeing their illusion even more clearly. Such is the paradox of meditation!
 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/7/20 10:19 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/7/20 10:19 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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August 7th 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 + 14 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness strong and stable. Some light agitation during the initial samatha, but after five-seven minutes, mind settled at 90-95 percent of cutting edge. About twenty minutes in ot reached 100 percent cutting edge. Went with Open awareness all the way, since things were stable.

Body
: Calm, at ease, soft, bottom of the ocean feel. At first some currents and bubbles and wavelike movements, but then things got very still, only few and small and very slow corrections of posture. At one point, some 50 minutes in, I collapsed the spine to rest, due to a slight back pain. I had felt the impulse to do so several minutes earlier, but decided to ”listen” for an intention not experienced as ”my” intention, and when it came, I went with it and rested the back a few minutes before sitting up straight again. The last ten minutes or so, the body felt lighter, a part of it (the outer layer of the torso) almost disappeared, couldn't even be found if I looked for it, except if I moved. The first twenty minutes, thoughts were few and clearly seen, almost all of them practice related, and when things really settled, they became even fewer, far apart, only practice related, most of them non verbalized, very clearly seen. Visual field: At first not much activity, towards the end the (internally generated) light got a bit brigther and spread through almost the entire field. Sound: The usual highpitched notes in both ears, quite high in volume, and not so distinctly placed in or directly to the side of the ears as usual, but sort of above me and behind me to the left (left side always has most volume on the internally generated sounds).

Vibration: Curiously enough, the rotor like vibration only showed up briefly a couple of times. Mind kind of expected it to come when things got so very calm and quiet, and for some instants there was a craving for that particular sort of vibration, since it is associated with ”progress”. But the craving was quickly let go off, and mind realized that almost all of the sensations were vibratory in some sense: volume of the heard notes going steadily a little up and down, parts of the visual field shimmering or flickering now and then, every tactile sensation (mainly light pressure, tension and heavyness) had constantly changing, locally and momentarily semi regular patterns of repetition. Then mind went looking for something that was NOT vibrating and found only one thing: thought. Thought was not experienced as vibratory, but more stable or ”solid”, even though it at that point was pre- or semi verbalized thoughts in the far background.

General feel: Comfortable, content, very still, calm, much clarity, slight joy now and then, slight peacefulness now and then, strong faith/confindence in practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/7/20 4:47 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/7/20 4:47 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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August 7th 2020, third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 + 33 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness strong and stable. After about five minutes, mind settled at 90-95 percent of cutting edge. About twenty minutes in it reached 100 percent cutting edge. Sat with Open awareness all the way.

Body
was comfortable and calm, liquid, bottom of the ocean feeling, very still. Some back pain, so about 55 minutes in, I let the spine collapse very slowly (over more than a minute) and sat face down and rested for 5-7 minutes before slowly sitting up straight again. Thoughts were few and became even fewer when I reached cutting edge. After that there was thought activity maybe 10 percent of the time, almost all of it practice related, in the background, preverbalized and very clearly seen. At one point, suddenly in the midst of a long silence a fully verbalized thought in a firm voice came, the voice was not experienced as my own, it gave what I perceived as meditation instructions for about a minute: ”Let go of your face! It’s not yours, it’s not there! Now, let go of your eyes! They are there, but they don’t see! There is only the seen! Let go of your ears, there is only the heard! Let go of …” … here I think it was about to say ”your body”, but at that point, suddenly the voice felt as mine, I was saying this, I was making this up, and automatically my ”Do nothing” alarm (”when ever you discover that you are doing something, stop!”) went of, and so the voice stopped. Visual field: Nothing much going on. Sound: highpitched notes in both ears. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibration came by once, about 70 minutes in, quite distinct, lending it self to investigation for a minute or two. Otherwise there was a lot of these very hard to define movements of or in mind, space, awareness, sort zooming in and out, focusing and defocusing, comparing or layering of different sensations etc.

General feel: Comfortable, calm, quiet, content, very still, much clarity, emotionally very neutral, though now and then with a tint of pleasure and/or wonder.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/8/20 1:50 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/8/20 1:50 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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8th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable. Reached 90 percent of cutting edge about 10-12 minutes in, stayed there. Did Open Awareness.

Body
was comfortable, although not quite as fluid and soft as it usually is these days and weeks. Some back pain, but no biggie, slight aversion to it. Thoughts were there almost constantly, most of them just all sorts of random shit, no emotional charge, about a quarter of them practice related, among other things thoughts about SE, how it would be, when it would happen, how I would react. There was aversion to the thoughts, especially the SE thoughts, since I know they are at best pointless, and craving for silence in the head, but there was no aversion to the aversion, the chain reaction was stopped, thought and aversion to thought was seen clearly. Which didn’t stop thought – or aversion. emoticon Visual field and sound: Nothing much happening. Vibration: The rotorlike vibration came by twice, semi distinct, got investigated a bit, disappeared.

General feeling: Comfortable and calm (but not silent), mostly content, but some aversion, restlessness, boredom.
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 8/8/20 5:00 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/8/20 5:00 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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For thoughts - try to merge with the sound/tone of the thoughts. It can sometimes be a stream of pre-words, not completely formed words.

This is possible and interesting, but it's usually just something the mind can only dip in and out of. Trying to do it, usually shows up as thinking and, of course, as soon as you "think about it"  you are back to normal thought again. So it take a very delicate intention and that's about it, and either it happens or it doesn't. 

"where is the sound of my thinking...?"
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/9/20 1:51 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/9/20 1:51 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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8th of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, Just samatha with breath at the anapana spot under the nostrils as object, 30 minutes.

I was tired, it was relaxing, nothing else to report (travelling).
         

9th of August 2020, First sitting of the day (in the evening, I’ve been traveling), SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness at first middel to low, then the last 10-15 minutes, it went up to strong. I did Freestyle noting at first, during a long phase of subtle dullness, then, when energy went up, I switched to Open awareness.

Body comfortable, liquid, bottom of the ocean-like feeling, slight pressure. The first 15-20 minutes a slight physical agitation, as if there were undercurrents, wobling and bubbling the liquid body. The last 10-15 minutes, the currents and bubbles subsided, and the body becam quite still. Neutral in feeling tone all the way. Thoughts were frequent and unclearly seen due to subtle dullness. The last 10-15 minutes the subsided, and things became quite calm, clear and quiet. No aversion to thoughts. Visual field and sound: Nothing much happening.

General feeling: comfortable and neutral all the way, a course from a bit agitation through a long stretch of subtle dullness with lack of clarity, ending in a calm, quiet, content clarity. Could easily have sat much longer, had time allowed.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/10/20 2:02 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/10/20 2:02 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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10th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was middle. Mind reached about 80 percent of cutting edge after 10-12 minutes and stayed there. I did Freestyle noting all the way.

Body
was comfortable and okay. Some stiffness or hardness in the chest and upper back. Thoughts were there constantly, and so were emotions, which is unusual these days. I noted sadness, loneliness, aversion, contraction, anger, wanting to escape, and there were thoughts and stories related to those emotions. All of it was seen clearly, it never escalated, it was unpleasant, but totally bearable. Visual field and sound: Nothing much happening.

General feeling: Calm body, emotionally agitated mind, seen clearly –
a sort of mild Reobservation seen through the lense of Equanimity.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/10/20 4:16 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/10/20 4:16 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
10th of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was very low and discontinuous, I never got anywhere near cutting edge, since there was a massive dullness all the way – mindfulness disappeared completely many times. Started off doing freestyle noting, switched to counting breaths from one to ten.

Body
was comfortable, soft, at ease, just sat there. Thoughts: Either there were almost no thoughts, or I dipped into dream like nonsens thoughts, even nodded off or jerked a couple of times. Visual field and sound: Can’t recall anything.

General feeling: Massive dullness, body very comfortable, no aversion to the dullness.

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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/11/20 4:49 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/11/20 4:49 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
11th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness between middle and strong, and it was stable. Mind reached 80-85 percent of cutting edge after about twenty minutes and stayed there. Energy was on the rise when the bell rang. I did open awareness.

Body
was comfortable, but not very soft: There was some tightness or stiffness in the upper back and neck and even back of the head, neutral in feeling tone, but there was a slight aversion to it. Thoughts were frequent but clearly seen. I tried experimenting with them the way shargrol suggested in his latest comment, but energy wasn’t high enough for this demanding task. Visual field: Dim light, softly moving. From time to time some more bright light, blueish white shimmering. Sound: highpitched notes in both ears, quite stable in volume and pitch.

General feeling: The main characteristic of this sitting was a slight aversion, I am not quite sure to what. Maybe that the energy wasn’t quite at its max, maybe some distant emotional issue, a sadness or urge (for SE?). A slight undefinable dukkha, even though there was no physical discomfort, no difficult emotions, no monkey mind, everything was fine, but still … a pebble in the shoe.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/11/20 1:59 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/11/20 1:59 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
11th of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness was strong and stable. Mind reached 90 percent of cutting edge after about twenty minutes and stayed there. I did open awareness all the way.

Body
was comfortable, painfree, some stiffness or tightness in the upper back, neck and back of the head, neutral in feeling tone, met with interest: It was wobbling a bit, a lump of semi-hardness in an otherwise soft and liquid body. Thoughts were few and semi-clearly seen. Visual field and sound: Nothing much happening. The highpitched notes were almost absent the first 20-25 minutes, but then turned up.

General feeling: Comfortable, at ease, calm, content, very subtle dullness, little lack of clarity.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/12/20 2:54 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/12/20 2:54 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
12th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 (though I changed the set-up slightly, see below), 60 minutes.

Off
cushion remark: This morning there were some aversive emotions, not super strong, but constantly there and clearly seen. This led to a change in the set-up: As I was about to switch to vipassana, I decided to do samatha all the way this time to calm the system down, so I used the spot below the nostrils as my ancor and let everything else be just noticed in the background.

Mindfulness was strong and stable. Due to the emotional ”noise”, this sitting did not feel very deep (I associate ”deep” with fewer thoughts and emotional neutrality), maybe 75-80 of cutting edge, but mindfulness was very continous: From when I was 10-12 minutes in, I did not lose contact with the primary object for more than a fraction of a second at a time. So maybe I should asses it as 95 percent cutting edge? But there was only a slight absorption feeling, only a slight sense of altered state of consciousness, and only the last 15 minutes or so.

Body was comfortable, painfree. There was a stiffness or tightness stretching from the middle of the back all the way up to the back of the head, neutral in feeling tone, met with slight interest. Thoughts were there almost constantly, and there was a feeling of slight, general aversion (i.e. aversion against almost anything). This aversion subsided gradually the last twenty minutes, though, and was almost gone when the bell rang Sound: Highpitched notes in bot ears. Visual field: Most of the time just dim light, softly moving, but from time to time a distorted image of a candle flame came by. When it did, I focused on that as well as the anapana spot, and that brought some calm and quiet.

General feel: A course from slight but constant emotional agitation to a more equanimous mind. Writing this I am much more calm and balanced than before the sitting, so once again I feel a lot of faith in practice. Gratitude. And more patience with regard to SE: It doesn’t matter THAT much when/if it happens, meditation already gives me so much benefit, even if it never happens (still want it, though, to be honest. Ain't no saint emoticon).
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/12/20 12:29 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/12/20 12:29 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
12th of August 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 + 26 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness strong and stable. Mind reached 90-95 percent of cutting edge after 10 minutes, 100 percent after maybe 30 minutes. I did Open awareness.

Body
was comfortable, painfree, totally self held, a bit stiffness in the back, neutral in feelingtone, met with disinterest. Once I collapsed the spine and rested the back for a few minutes before sitting up straight again. Thoughts were few, in the background, mostly preverbalized and very clearly seen. When mind reached cutting edge, they became almost absent. Whenever something began muttering in the background, I so to say just had to give a quick glance (direct focused attention at it for a second), then it stopped. The calm and quiet generated curiosity and a slight joy now and then. Sound: highpitched notes. Usually I have them in both ears with some variation in pitch and volume, so that they are perceived as two, but this time there was one note, equally perceived by both ears, slightly behind me and above me. Visual field: Nothing much going on – until I opened my eyes, which I did after about 30 minutes. This, I think, was crucial for the energy to go up the last bit to a hundred percent cutting edge. I stared at my kasina dot on the wall in front of me. At times it expanded a bit and got wobbly in the contour, at times it disappeared for a second and reappeared at a slightly different spot. Objects in the perifery almost disappeared at one point. Often there were shimmerings or vibrations in part of the field. And twice it happened that there was a ”jump cut” in the visual field, as if a few frames had been cut out (sound and body sensations etc. continued, so I do not interpret this as cessation). The jump cut was not due to dullness, mind was very sharp and alert. I closed my eyes, some minutes later energy had dropped a bit, so I opened them again. Some 5-10 minutes later I closed them again, and the same thing happened. Vibrations: The rotor like vibration appeared a few seconds after I opened my eyes the first and the second (but not the third) time. It was distinct and got investigated.

General feeling: Very comfortable, calm, quiet, still, very content, lots of clarity, now and then even some joy.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/13/20 2:47 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/13/20 2:47 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
13th of August 2020, first sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable. I reached som 80 percent of cutting edge after 12-15 minutes. Switched several times between Freestyle noting and Open awareness.

Body
was okay, some tightness or stiffness in the back. Thoughts were almost constant, but clearly seen. Sound and visual field: Nothing much going on. Comment: The one pervasive thing in this sitting was a medium strength aversion, present almost all the way through. It attached itself to almost anything, thoughts, external sounds (even ”cute” sounds such as the cat playing), body sensations (even though they were not that unpleasant). Mind struggled to find the ”real ” reason for this aversion: Something was just not right, so there was irritation, annoyance, even slight anger. All of it seen clearly and with a sligt sense of wonder: What is this aversion about?

General feeling: Irritation, aversion, but also: clarity, slight curiosity.
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 8/13/20 6:09 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/13/20 6:01 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2326 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
It can be helpful to simply hold the tone of aversion itself, soak in it but with a sense of curiousity and intimacy. That usually will reveal what it is about. Sometimes "figuring it out" is a clever way of covering up the non-verbal information that is actually already there in the sensation itself. (Sometimes the ego doesn't want to know what the aversion is, especially if it points back to our sense of limitation or lacking, so the ego will make the investigation more intellectual and willful, instead of organically letting the aversion itself be the teacher.)



p.s. going into the mindstream of thoughts doesn't need a lot of energy or clarity or mindfulness... you can almost dream yourself into the flow of thoughts.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/13/20 8:17 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/13/20 8:17 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
13th of August 2020, second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable. I reached around 85-90 percent of cutting edge after 12-15 minutes. Did Open awareness. At one point when energy was dropping a bit, I noted ”yes” at the end of each outbreath to monitor mindfulness – energy came back up, and I went back to Open awareness.

Body
 very comfortable, still, self held, a bit stiffness in the back, neutral in feeling tone. Slight pressure in the surface, especially the face and head. Thoughs were few, and after twenty minutes or so almost absent and in the far background, unclearly seen, met with no interest and no aversion. There was a subtle dullness all the way through the sitting, pleasant in feeling tone,
 stable – mindfulness stayed continuous. Visual field: There were some faces the first ten minutes or so, asian faces for some reason (haven’t had that before). Then the figurative stuff disappeared, and there was just dim light, softly moving. Sound: Highpitched notes in both ears, stable in volume and pitch.

General feeling: Comfortable, even pleasant, content, very still, could easily have sat much longer.

Comment: Didn't get a chance to apply the advice on aversion this time emoticon. Strange that this sitting was so different compared to today’s first. Mindfulness level was about the same, body was about the same, no external events of significance in the meantime, all conditions largely similar, and this time just niceness.
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 8/13/20 8:47 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/13/20 8:47 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/14/20 3:10 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/14/20 3:10 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
14th of August, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 + 56 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness strong and stable. Mind reached 90-95 percent of cutting edge after 12-15 minutes and 100 percent after maybe 40 minutes. I did Open awareness.

Body
very comfortable. Some stiffness or tightness in the upper back and neck, neutral in feeling tone. Quite still posture. After 55 minutes I collapsed the spine to rest the back for a few minutes and then sat up straight again.
The experience of the body was more or less permanently ”deconstructed” into body sensations flowing in an abstract space. I could reinterpret these as ”my” ”body”, draw them together to form face or chest, but if I left them alone, they were just there. Thoughts were few and clearly seen. There were never any long (like minutes) stretches with total absence of thought, but it was very quiet and calm. Sound: The usual highpitched notes in both ears. Visual field: dim light moving softly. Vibrations: A couple of times mind wondered if the rotor like vibration would come by, conditions seemed to be ideal for that, but it didn’t happen. No frustration, though.

General feeling: Very calm and content, even tints of joy and peacefulness now and then. Uneventfull, unaversive. Could have sat longer, had external circumstances allowed.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/14/20 4:21 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/14/20 4:21 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
14th of August, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes. Mindfulness at first medium, then weak: Dullness, swinging between strong and subtle. Mixed techniques (see below).

I will report in a general
comment: Body was very comfortable, still and at ease, thoughts were very few, for long stretches (minutes) almost absent. There was zero aversion. It is difficult to asses where I was compared to cutting edge this time, it depends on the parameter. Mindfulness wise I never got over some 75 percent, which was at the beginning. But in another sense this felt like ”advanced” practice (meaning close to or at cutting edge), because the mind for some reason knew how to surf the low level mindfulness quite well, switching between Open Awareness, Freestyle Noting and Noting ”yes” at the end of the outbreath, and in that way managing to stay quite continously with the dullness. There were some dips into almost zero mindfulness (unconsciousness or sleep), but they were not sudden and jerky, and I was never ”lost” for more than a second at most. Mind slided slowly down towards some dreamyness with the awareness that it was sliding, and then the dreamyness manifested by a rather sudden appearance of verbalized thoughts in an otherwise very quiet mind, these thoughts were like fragments from the middle of a dream, as if a dream had been going on below the threshhold of consciousness and now suddenly was seen. It was as if I just for a split second dipped into a form of lucid dreaming, and then softly mindfulness bounced back up to stable, awake (i.e. not sleeping) consciousness with low level mindfulness. I got to study these shifts again and again and found this to happen when I dipped: Clarity did not go away, but the space that the clarity covered became smaller, somehow contracted around the verbalized thoughts – body sensations (and perhaps sounds as well, come to think of it) faded or disappeared entirely. At the same time there was a shift in feeling tone: The quiet, awake, low level mindfulness state was pleasant, the dreamlike state was neutral, sometimes even mildly unpleasant, depending on the content of the dream thoughts.

General feeling: Surfing in the hypnagogic zone, comfortable, calm, content, curious, excited that the mind could do this.
Martin, modified 3 Years ago at 8/14/20 4:33 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/14/20 4:33 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 743 Join Date: 4/25/20 Recent Posts
That sounds remarkably skillful and well-balanced.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/15/20 2:37 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/15/20 2:37 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
15th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable. Reached 85-90 percent of cutting edge after 12-15 minutes, and 90-95 percent after maybe 40 minutes. Did Freestyle noting the first couple of minutes as there was a little aversion, then switched to Open awareness.

Body
was okay, mostly relaxed, but there was a little pain in the upper back, which was met with slight aversion, and this created a little restlessness so that body never became quite still, but often made small adjustments to posture. Thoughts were there maybe half of the time. In the background, preverbalized, clearly seen. Towards the end there were some stretches of 20-30 seconds of almost absence of thought activity. Mind really likes that, preferes the quiet, which creates a slight aversion to thought. Sound and visual field: Nothing much going on.

Comment: I remembered the advice (given earlier in this thread) about soaking in aversion, getting intimate with it, but every time I focused on it, it evaporated. I also remembered the advice (ditto) about thought and trying to merge with it, but didn’t succeed - maybe they were too distant this time.

General feeling: Mostly content, slight aversion now and then, bit of restlessness (but really no biggie), also some calm. Just fine, a bit meh. Could easily have sat longer.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/15/20 6:43 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/15/20 6:43 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
15th of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 30 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable. Reached 85-90 percent of cutting edge after 12-15 minutes, didn’t get much further, though things were calming more down when the bell rang. Did Open awareness.

Body
was comfortable, liquid, though there was a little tightness in the top of the chest (not met with aversion), and the breath was shallow, short, faster than normal. There were intentions to intervene and take long deep breaths to calm the system, but I chose to just observe. Couldn’t find any reason for this slight physical agitation, which began subsiding after about 25 minutes. Thoughts were frequent, clearly seen, in the foreground to begin with, later faded into the background. No emotional charge to them, the sitting was very neutral emotionally. Sound and visual field: Nothing much going on.

General feeling: Okay, comfortable, a bit weird with the agitated breath, but otherwise restful, uneventful.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/15/20 1:21 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/15/20 1:21 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
15th of August 2020, Third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 + 28 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness strong and stable. I reached 90 percent of cutting edge after 20 minutes, stayed there for some ten minutes, then there was a slight drop in energy, a subtle dullness, but then energy came back and became even stronger and more stable than before, and so 40 minutes in, mind reached cutting edge and stayed there for the rest of the sitting. It was a clearly altered state of consciousness, but since I don’t have experience with the jhanas, I will just call it an absorption state. I did Open awareness, except during the subtle dullness where I noted ”yes” at the end of each outbreath to monitor mindfulness.

Body
was very comfortable, soft and liquid to begin with, a pressure in the surface that got quite strong during the subtle dullness, neutral in feeling tone. There were wobly, bubbly, vague wavelike motions in the pressure-surface, in one word: bottom-of-the-ocean-feeling. Then when energy got to max and I entered the absorption, the liquid (wobbly, bubbly) sense in the surface of the body subsided, the pressure became much lighter and more stable, i.e. without movements in it, body was very still, comletely self held, almost as if suspended, but sort of more dry or ”on land”, no watery feeling. Breath got very quiet, for some minutes there were 4-5 seconds of pause after the outbreath. Thoughts were few and clearly seen. During the absorption they were very few and short, a whisper less than a second long, then gone. Sound: the usual highpitched notes in both ears, quite stable in volume and pitch. Visual field: dim light, softly moving, no figurative stuff at all.

General feeling: Very very comfortable, mildly pleasant, no distinct joy (though I wouldn’t say joy was absent), certainly no rapture or physical pleasure, but deep contentment, total ease, absence of craving and aversion.

Comment and question: When I compare this experience with for instance Leigh Brasington’s definitions, it looks like third jhana, although I didn’t climb up via first and second. Actually I have never knowingly experienced first jhana, the rapture and physiological pleasure is foreign to me, but I have in the past – though up until a couple of months ago only on retreats – been in absorption states like this. If somebody with (samatha) jhana experience would chime in with an assesment, I am curious to know if my sense that this is third jhana seems reasonable? (I would like to get better at jhana diagnosis).
George S, modified 3 Years ago at 8/16/20 3:14 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/16/20 3:12 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2722 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Niels Lyngsø:

Comment and question: When I compare this experience with for instance Leigh Brasington’s definitions, it looks like third jhana, although I didn’t climb up via first and second. Actually I have never knowingly experienced first jhana, the rapture and physiological pleasure is foreign to me, but I have in the past – though up until a couple of months ago only on retreats – been in absorption states like this. If somebody with (samatha) jhana experience would chime in with an assesment, I am curious to know if my sense that this is third jhana seems reasonable? (I would like to get better at jhana diagnosis).

It's possible to go straight into third but you will get a better appreciation for the sukha if you experience some piti first. I would focus on Leigh Brasington's instructions for generating piti, they worked for me.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/16/20 3:15 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/16/20 3:15 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
16th of August, First Sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 + 11 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness somewhere between middle and strong, stable all the way. I reached some 90 percent of cutting edge after 12-15 minutes and stayed there. Did Open awareness.

Body
was okay, but a bit stiff. There was some tightness in the middle of the chest strechting to the upper part of the back, even the back of the head sometimes, and some tightness or stiffness in the spine in general. A little aversion to this slight physical discomfort. Thoughts were there half the time, maybe more, image thoughts (random memory flashes, no emotional charge), (pre)verbalized thoughts, mostly practice related. All clearly seen. And there were two earworms taking turns in providing an almost nonstop musical score for this sitting emoticon. No aversion to earworms or other thought activity this time, but interest, curiousity, investigation: Image thoughts seemed to be in front of me, they would appear here and there in the visual field (which most of the time is perceived as in front of me). (Pre)verbalized thoughts and earworms seemed to be located in the middle of the head, at the same place the ”self” seems to be located (behind the eyes, above the mouth). Sometimes the thougts changed when I investigated them – the words were repeated and/or slowed down. Hard to tell if ”I” did this or if it happened by itself. When the internal verbal activity (thoughts, earworms) went very slowly, I could sense some slight, almost ”virtual” tactile activity in the oral cavity: tongue and pharynx were sort of moving (but not really moving) to form the sounds. Visual field drew a little more attention than usual, nothing much happened, though, but the light was a bit brigther. Sound: The usual highpitched notes in both ears, slight variations in volume.

General feeling: Okay, calm, mostly content, though a little aversion, also a little boredom towards the end (but that sort of self regulated as curiousity by itself went up, and some investigations started). Fairly uneventful, average, neutral.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/17/20 4:36 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/17/20 4:36 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
17th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable, mind reached 85-90 percent of cutting edge after 10-12 minutes, and 90-95 after about 40 minutes. I did Open awareness.

Body
was comfortable, self held and partly liquid, so there was this bottom of the ocean-feeling to it, but at the same time there was, throughout the entire sit, a stiffness or hardness in the upper back and neck and back of the head. This lump of stiffness expanded and contracted with the breath, moved around a bit and changed a bit in intensity. When it was most intese it bordered on painful, but it was met with more acceptance and curiousity than aversion. Thoughts were there most of the time, and there was a slight aversion to them too, mind still prefers silence, restfulness. But the aversion was vague, and there was room for some curiousity and investigation. Once again I experienced that the thought stream seemed to change when I focused on it. This time the verbalized thoughts turned into nonsense words for a few seconds when I looked at them, as if thought were evading scrutiny. If energy had been at the max, mind might have gone further with this investigation, which seems to demand a very carefully and subtly directing of attention, and I wasn’t quite able to do that this time. Sound: highpitched notes in both ears, constant in the left, on and off (and lower in volume) in the right, slight variations in volume and pitch, vibratory quality. Visual field: Nothing much going on. Vibrations: The rotor like vibration came by a few time, the first time already 2-3 minutes in during my initial samatha, quite distinct, located behind the upper back, neck and back of the head (it felt related to the lump of stiffness). It came back to or three times more, less distinct, stayed for 20-30 seconds and disappeared.

General feeling: Comfortable, okay, a little aversion now and then, but generally contentment, calm, no biggie. Could easily have sat longer.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/17/20 8:49 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/17/20 8:49 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
17th of August 2020, Second "sitting" of the day, samatha with breath at the nose as object, 45 minutes, reclining.

Off
cushion remark: After some hard physical labor, I wanted to rest – the body was exhausted, but the mind seemed quite fresh, so I chose to do reclining samatha in stead of taking a nap.

Just a short report: Mindfulness medium to weak, mind wasn't as fresh as I thought – the energy quickly dropped, so I noted ”in, out” following the breath. Forgot noting a couple of times as I dozed off. Turned out to be more difficult to surf the low energy when reclining. Some back pain due to the physical labor, and some dullness, but no aversion to them.

General feeling: Calm, content, peaceful, sleepy.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/17/20 1:44 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/17/20 1:44 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
17th of August 2020, Third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness weak and unstable – massive dullness all the way. Never got anywhere near cutting edge. Shifted between Freestyle, noting ”yes” at the end of the outbreath, and Open Awareness a few minutes towards the end when energy went slightly up.

Short
report: I tried to surf the low enery, but it turned out to be very difficult, there was massive dullness, aversion to dullness (but not aversion to the aversion), backpain, aversion to backpain (ditto). Several times I forgot to note and dozed off. External reasons for this: Body was very tired, and it was and is warm in Denmark now, around 30 degrees Celcius.

General feeling: some aversion and impatience for the sitting to end, but at the same time okay calm and not that bad.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/18/20 3:04 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/18/20 3:04 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
18th of August 2020, First Sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable. It went at bit down the last 10-15 minutes or so, but remained stable and was more than sufficient for me to be continously aware. Mind reached 90 percent of cutting edge after ten minutes and close to 100 percent after some 35-40 minutes. Even though energy dropped a bit, I still had a sense that mind was working (vipassanizing) at cutting edge level all the way to the end, working, succesfully this time, with surfing the slightly low energy and investigate the absorption-like calm and content and clear mindstate. I did Open Awareness, except for a few minutes after the energy had dropped: Then I noted ”yes” at the end of each outbreath to monitor mindfulness, but when I could see it was stable and sufficient, I dropped this note again.

Body
was comfortable and self held, a bit stiffness or tightness in the upper back, but when mind reached cutting edge, that had almost disappeared. So body became even more comfortable as the sitting progressed. The last twenty minutes it was very very still. Thoughts were few and clearly seen. Very few verbalized thoughts, most of them practice related. Mostly image thoughts, animal and human faces, some of them with quite good image quality, 3D, many pixels, but only there in a flash, then gone. Also some landscapes and for a periode a series of houses (don’t think I have had that before), none of them familiar to me. Visual field: Apart from these image thoughts, there were the usual amorphous light moving softly, but it was brighter than usual, and visual field drew more attention than it uses to. Sound: highpitched notes in both ears, quite loud this time.

General feeling: Comfortable, very calm, content and with lots of clarity (it strikes me that I often forget to mention clarity, but it is a predominant feature of most of my sittings these days: When I have mentioned calm and content above, there was also a lot of clarity). There was also an aspect of transparency, body felt kind of transparent, seen through, as if in short flashes seen from the outside or from nowhere perhaps, but at least not from the usual center in the middle of the head.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/19/20 4:12 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/18/20 12:44 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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18th of August 2020, Second Sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes. Mindfulness strong and stable, I did Freestyle noting in the beginning due to agitation (see below), then Open awareness.

This sitting took a different course than usual, so I’ll describe it in one go in stead of the usual categories: In a way I reached something close to cutting edge quite quickly and stayed there. That is: Clarity and calm and equanimity were at my present peak level, but the meditation didn’t get deep and abstract and peacefull and slightly weird (so in that way, I guess it wasn’t in ”high eq”, but mind didn’t mind, mind liked what was happening). Off cushion remark: Some external events earlier today caused quite a lot of anger. The anger was expressed verbally, not too harshly, but it could definitely have been done more skillfully. I observed it happening all the way, but wasn’t able to act totally according to my ideals. I then took a nap to calm down, and immediately after, I did the sitting. I felt sort of relaxed, but the minute I sat down and closed my eyes, there was an immense pressure in the surface of the chest, arms and face. I have this form of pressure quite often, so I didn’t think much about it – until I reached the point in my meditation set-up where I do structured noting a la shargrol (see first post of this thread). My sittings these days and weeks (months) are mostly emotionally neutral, so when I try to note emotions, it is often difficult to find any, so I have developed a habit of asking myself: ”Is there any anger in the system? Is there any fear in the system? Is there any sadness in the system?” I also use some quasi-synonyms (anger: frustration, bitternes, regret; fear: angst, worry, unease etc.) to see if that resonates in the system, i.e. if an emotion can be found. And this time, when I searched for anger, I found it. It was – of course! – in this intense pressure. It wasn’t an aha experience, but more of a duh! experience, but the thing is, I didn’t feel angry (or didn’t know that I felt angry) before looking for anger and finding the pressure. When I switched to freestyle noting, I discovered that I felt angry when attention was with the pressure, especially in the face and hands: That’s where anger was located. Then I discovered a soft area at the bottom of the torso: From the root chakra and some ten centimeters upwards, the body was softly pulsating, and it had a pleasant feeling tone. So when I focused on that I didn’t feel angry at all, I felt fine, nice, even. Then I moved attention back to the pressure in the chest, arms, hands and face, and, well, I wouldn’t say I felt angry, but I recognized anger again. I stayed with the sensation, and then thoughts about the external events earlier on reappeared, and some angry faces appeared in the visual field, even a flash of an angry T-Rex, which made me smile. It was almost as if my mind was mocking me, like really explaing anger to me as if I was an imbecile – which I kind of was, since I wasn’t aware of the anger before it was spelt out to me. The images and thoughts quickly disappeared. And slowly, over the course of maybe half an hour, the pressure took of. The last ten minutes or so, there was just calm, contentment, ease. But all the way through: Lots of clarity and equanimity, no aversion to anything, just a calm attentive observation of these very educational events in consciousness.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/22/20 9:24 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/19/20 4:09 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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19th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 + 15 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang). Mindfulness strong and stable. Mind reached 90-95 percent after 10-12 minutes and stayed there. I did (F minus S)-noting (see below).

New
noting technique: I came up with a little adjustment to freestyle noting, I call it "(F minus S)-noting", meaning ”Freestyle minus Sensations”. Yesterday I had my duh! experience with anger, and in this sitting when I did my initial structured noting and was checking out emotions and feelingtones, I discovered a slight and elusive sadness, and so this little reflection came: I am not very good at detecting emotions. When I do freestyle noting, about 90 percent of the notes are either Seeing, Hearing or Feeling (body sensations). So I guess these aspects of experience are also predominant when I do Open awareness. Especially body sensations take up a lot of bandwith, maybe around 50-60 percent of the notes when I note. I started my meditation path with Goenka style bodyscanning, so I think I see each and every body sensation quite clearly and precisely by now. And sound and visual field my mind also detect quite readily (likewise with smell and taste, but they come rarely). Even thoughts I see quite clearly. But emotions and feeling tones seem to go under the radar. So I will do a new version of freestyle noting: I will not note (but of course still notice) any Feeling (body sensation), Hearing, Seeing or Smelling, Tasting, Thinking. In stead I will note everything else, especially classic emotions (anger, sadness, joy etc.), feeling tones (pleasant, unpleasant, neutral), and reactions (craving, aversion, acceptance). But also more abstract qualities such as Clarity, Curiousity, Content, Calm, Agitation, Unease, Spaciousness, Asymmetry, Investigation, etc. And when thoughts come, I will not note ”Thinking”, but some other aspect of that experience, especially emotional aspects (shame, sadness, hope etc.), or at least a category of thought (past thought, future thought, practice thought, for instance). I call this noting style (F minus S)-noting.

Report for this sitting: I did my new (F minus S)-noting, and this technique seems to be really good for me at this point in my practice. I noticed some brushes of sadness, for instance, that I think would have gone under the radar otherwise. I was more aware of the clarity and calm and spaciousness, since I noted these qualities to a much larger extend than usual (clarity and calm made up maybe 20 percent of the notes). I had the feeling that this generated more energy and clarity in the system: Tuning slightly out of the predominant aspect of experience – body sensations – left more space for the rest.

General feeling: Calm, content, much clarity, balanced energy, brushes of joy. Satisfaction (and a bit ego pride emoticon) about the new technique.
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 8/19/20 6:38 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/19/20 6:35 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Nice! This is a perfect example of taking responsibility for your own salvation and customizing your practice method to work on your own personal weak links. Our weak links are what hold us back.

And I just want to note for others that it is very common for us to avoid emotions we don't particularly like and instead focus on the sensations of it or the thoughts of it, but not the raw emotion itself. Emotions hurt, which is why they are so powerful. Emotions are also a very fast source of information, which is why after emotional habits are cleaned up, the mind will continue to have very fast yet very fleeting emotions as a source of very quick "thinking" yet without all of the clinging that is normally associated with emotions. It pays to look closely at the nature of emotions during meditation.

Sorry for this big chunk of cutting and pasting, but these descriptions of the classic emotions (by way of the buddhist concept of being reborn in the 6 realms) might be helpful:

***

Hell Realm: The overt emotion in this realm is anger/hate. Either you have hot and explosive anger or cold seething hate. There is also the "neighboring hells" which is basically a manifestation of very aggressive avoidance and "hating the hate", you keep fighting your own hate, trying to get away from it, but because you "hate your hate" you bring the emotion with you wherever you go. The dominant attitude is "oppose". If you go into a situation assuming you will have to oppose things, hell is sure to come...
 
Hungry Ghost: The overt emotion is manifestations of greed, an intense greed that can never be satisfied due to the speed of the world. Either a poverty mentality where nothing is enough and anything needs to be horded, a petty feeling of pseudo-injustice where you feel you can't enjoy what you have, or an intensity of greed that prevents any momentary satisfaction because you need to get the next thing. The dominate attitude is "take". If you go into a situation focused on what's there to take, you are already feeling poor and have an attiude that will blossom into greed.
 
The Animal Realm: This one is tricky because the reactivity in this world is not very "emotional" in the human sense. (And animals in real life are awesome, so the inherent prejudice against animals kinda rubs my fur the wrong way...) I even had to go online and read a list of 400 emotions to help me put this into my own words.... but here's the deal: the emotions in this realm are things like "obeying, following, nostalgia, resignation, numbness, or being stupefied" -- sort of non-emotion emotions. So an animal will follow it's instinct and often it's instinct is to obey/follow others. This is also the world of debilitating depression, being overwhelmed or confused. The dominate attitude is a very non-clever "just survive" mentality. Doing the least to get by, doing what has worked in the past, not developing as a person because "a leopard can't change it's spots."
 
The Human Realm: The emotion here is desire, what an interesting emotion. The human world is where there is never a time without a desire and where achieving the desire is so satisfying... for a while. But don't worry, another desire will overtake you soon enough!  The form of desire in this world is one that is carefully considered, unlike the greed of the hungry ghost world, humans consider pros and cons, cost and benefit --- we shop for our desires!  One way to think of the core human emotion is a bittersweet "frustrated enjoyment".  The core attitude is basically idealism -- making things more simple and more better than the reality of the world through a slight bias in the way we conceptualize things. Without this idealism, we wouldn't get completely seduced by our desires. And if we go into a situation with some form of idealism, we'll search out ways to find confirming evidence that proves our ideals, evaluating things against the ideal. Of course, the desire for awakening from desire is the way out of this mess. Clever humans!  Traditionally they say you can only awaken in the human realm.
 
Titans/Asuras - Wanting to be great!!  The dominant emotions are quiet feelings of inadequacy to more obvious forms of jealosy. This is an important world for over-achievers to ponder. Especially the tragic downfall that always occurs. A titan will always fail... because they never stop. They always go past their abilities and lose their investments, health, status, reputation. The dominant attitude is "Achieve". If you go into a situation thinking about what you can achieve by being there... then you are already on your way to being born as a titan in that situation.
 
Gods/Devas - I am great! The dominant emotions are superiority and pride. The dominant attitude is actually "maintain" -- which is a how the gods always are isolating subtle dukka and trying to push it away. They shop in different stores, sit in sky boxes at sporting events, live in gated communities. The downfall of the gods is they don't pay attention to little things, they can't be bothered, and then like rust or termites their whole world slowly falls apart. Like the Hemmingway statement "How did you go bankrupt? First slow, then fast." The fall of gods is ironic -- they really have no friends because as soon as trouble hits (even in the slightest way) their "friends" isolate them and push them away! 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/19/20 11:23 AM
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RE: Niels's practice log

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Thanks! Very inspiring! Any recommended reading on the six realms and buddhist psychology? emoticon
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 8/19/20 4:05 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/19/20 3:48 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Eventually Wake up to your Life by Ken McLeod... but I would recommend devoting time on your practice right now. you're in a very good spot. too many ideas might/could/would probably mess things up. emoticon You're not lacking anything now, really it's just a matter of time.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/19/20 4:50 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/19/20 11:26 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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19th of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 + 14 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness at first okay strong; then some 30-35 minutes in, energy dropped and a subtle dullness came. When the bell rang, I suddenly got a boost of energy, and so mindfulness was strong and stable the last 14 minutes, reaching maybe 90 percent of cutting edge. I did (F minus S)-noting.

Body
was comfortable, at ease, a bit backpain now and then. There were two stretches of some 10-15 minutes, at the beginning and at the end when energy was high, where body was very still. Thoughts were not that frequent, present maybe 30 percent of the time, clearly seen. Difficulty in labeling some of them (since I don’t use ”thinking”), so many were justed noted ”neutral”. Sound & visual field: Nothing much happening, except that the visual field seemed to be more active than usual, especially when there were no (pre)verbalized thoughts and I was ”scanning” for emotions and feeling tones: Then faces turned up, giving me a hint of an emotion, anger, for instance. Emotions, feeling tones etc.: a few brushes of micro-anger and micro-sadness, but very few emotions detected overall. I mostly noted Calm, Content, Clarity, Curiousity, Doubt (when I detected something emotional that I couldn’t label).

General feeling: Calm, content, quite still, curiousity, joy related to the new noting technique.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/19/20 6:31 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/19/20 6:31 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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19th of August 2020, Third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 55 minutes. Sat without a timer, beginning just after midnight, so a late night sitting. When I finished, I thought I had been sitting for about half an hour, but it turned out to be the double, so there was some time distortion. Mindfulness at first strong and stable; mind reached 95 percent of cutting edge after 5-7 minutes and 100 percent some 30 minutes in. Some ten minutes later, energy dropped and a subtle dullness came. From then on energy went a bit up and down between low and medium. In the beginning, I did (F minus S)-noting. When the subtle dullness came, noting fell away by itself, and I sat with Open awareness (mindfulness was low, but stable and continuous). When I realized I wasn’t noting, and that there was dullness, I began noting ”yes” at the end of each outbreath to monitor mindfulness, but the yes-notes also dropped away. Energy had dropped even more, but mindfulness was still stable and continuous – no jerks, no dozing off.

Body
was very comfortable, soft, and at ease, very still. When the subtle dullness came and energy dropped, body became even more still, almost completely motionless, breath almost imperceptible as in deep sleep. The stillness had a slight pleasant feelingtone – it was very peacefull. Thoughts were very few and clearly seen. A couple of times, I slided down into some dreamlike nonsens thoughts, and mindfulness would have been lost, had I stayed there, but mind pulled back up all by itself. Sound and visual field: Nothing much happening. Emotions, feeling tones etc.: I noted mostly calm, still, clarity, but also curiousity, joy. Classic emotions (anger, sadness etc.) I did not detect – only this slight joy, related to the stillness and calm and ease of the sitting.

General feeling: Still, peacefull, slightly otherworldly (oops, forgot to note that!). Strong faith in practice. Slight joy. Satisfaction with the new noting technique, and a bit of wonder at the effortlessness with which all this is developing.
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SushiK, modified 3 Years ago at 8/20/20 12:44 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/20/20 12:44 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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It's nice to see your sits evolve based on your own experience.
You seem to be in a good place, really happy for you.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/20/20 3:48 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/20/20 3:48 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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20th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 + 15 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang, was surprised that an hour had already past).

Mindfulness was at first okay strong, then dropped to a little below medium, and from then on went up and down around medium without getting really high or really low. I did (F minus S)-noting. Not sure where I got compared to my cutting edge, because this new technique on the one hand made the sitting feel very cutting edge, but on the other hand, Stages of Insight-wise, I was not up in High EQ – the energy wasn't high and/or stable enough for that.

Body
was okay, a bit backpain caused some restlessness, so a couple of times I collapsed the spine and sat with face downwards to rest and then sat up straight again. Thoughts were there frequently, nearly all of them practice related: Reflections on the new noting technique, evaluations, adjustments. There was satisfaction and excitement and wonder – and duh! – related to all the new stuff that was being discovered. Sound & visual field: Nothing much going on. Emotions, feeling tones etc.: I still noted a lot of ”calm”, ”content”, ”clarity”, but also a surprising amount of surprisingly feeble and fleeting ”aversion”, especially to unplesant body sensations. Before, I would just have noted ”feeling, feeling” if there was a slight tension in the back, but now I note ”unpleasant” and sometimes ”aversion”, and it became experientially more clear to me how the distinction between these two feels – and that there can be even ”strongly unpleasant” without any aversion, and just a tiny bit of ”vaguely unpleasant” with lots of aversion. In a sense, I have known this for a long time, but somehow it sank more in. There were also some very feeble and fleeting ”sadness”, ”shame”, ”irritation”, and ”joy”. At one point I noted ”sadness, joy” in a fraction of a second, and then ”wonder” at this swift change. It is as if I am (at long last!) discovering a new layer of subtle and fast shifts – especially in feeling tone (pleasant, unpleasant, neutral) and reactivity (craving, aversion) – that were not very clear to me before. I also noticed (and noted) more subtle shifts in energy than I have been able to before.

General feeling: Calm, clarity, content, excitement and curiousity related to practice, faith in practice, joy about practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/20/20 11:26 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/20/20 11:23 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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20th of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, attempting SamVip 1.1, 83 minutes.

Everything about this sitting was a complete mess. emoticon Towards the end, I had been wondering for quite some time when the bell would ring, so I peaked at the timer – and I had forgotten to start it! This has never happened before. So the planned 60 minutes had become 83.

Already during the first parts of the set-up (see first post of this thread), things went totally off track. Usually I fly through these initial warm up excercices and get to the vipassana part in 5-10 minutes, but this time I lost mindfulness completely during the samatha part, and got lost in some dreamlike thoughts, only two or three minutes in. This hasn’t happened for more than a year, I think. Didn’t feel tired when I sad down, so that was really surprising. And from then on, I had to drop my usual set-up and improvise my way through a massive and kind of constantly disguising or shapeshifting dullness, which was quite pleasant, by the way.

I lost mindfulness completely for more than five seconds maybe five or six times (highly unusual these days and weeks and months). Once I even jerked violently, almost taking off from the cushion, like a cartoon character. Strangely, I didn’t feel that mindfulness was gone just before the jerk, because after it, I remembered that I had been in some weird dreamy thought-stream. There were several dreamy streams of both verbal thoughts and image thoughts. In one of the visual ones, a woman took my picture to put it on her Instagram, she showed me the photo on her phone, and as I watched it, my face on the photo morphed to the face of a dead monkey without eyes (no fear reaction, mind just found it weird and amusing). At another point, a verbal thought, spoken with my fiancée’s voice, frantically repeated a short obscenity for more than a minute, like an insane robot. Lots of other crazy stuff happened, I can't remember it all, and I am not sure about the order of the different events (so it is a bit like looking back on a dream).

I tried several times to take control of this madhouse, tried to do my (F minus S)-noting, but energy was too low for that, tried to just stay with the breath, both with and without noting support, to gain some calm and clarity, but there was no calm and clarity to be had, I tried just noting ”yes” at the end of the outbreath, but mind wouldn’t do that either. So after maybe forty minutes, I just gave up and let whatever happened happen without any interventions at all. I wasn’t asleep, I was – very feebly – mindfull almost all the way (except for the amentioned dropouts), but with a very dull energy and dreamy tendencies.

There was no feeling of aversion towards this funhouse ride (but my attempts at taking control were of course expressions of aversion), on the contrary, mind was quite amused. And still is, as I am writing this log. This whole insight process is SO unpredictable, and to have this complete mess happening at this point was actually both good fun, kind of a comic relief, and educational: The next time I experience mind just doing weird stuff and ignoring my attempts at controlling it, I’ll drop the reins much earlier!
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/21/20 5:43 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/21/20 5:43 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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21st of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 + 10 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness strong and stable all the way through. Mind reached 90 percent of cutting edge after 8-10 minutes, and 95 percent some 20-25 minutes in. I did (F minus S)-noting.

Body
was comfortable enough, although there was some slight back pain. Mostly it was soft, liquid, bottom of the ocean feeling, wavy movements throught the torso and a slight pressure in the surface, neutral to slightly pleasant in feeling tone. Sound and visual field: The usual higpitched notes in both ears were there, and the usual dim light softly moving was there, and when they came to the forefront, and I couldn’t note ”hearing” or ”seeing”, I noted ”pleasant”, ”interest”, even ”beauty”, and so the new noting technique made these aspects clearer. Thoughts were there frequently, mostly image thoughts, clearly seen and gently investigated. It was typically a face of a person from my past, and had it been a couple of days ago, I would just have noted ”seeing” or ”remembering” and then let go of it, but now, with my (F minus S)-noting, I held on to it a second or two to find some other aspect, which typically would me emotional: ”sadness”, ”tenderness”, ”love”, ”forgiveness”, ”compassion”. Emotions, feeling tones etc.: The just mentioned emotions were noted several times. When I just did Freestyle noting, those would be notes that I almost never used – even though the experience was probably there, but my freestyling had a preference for bare sensations, so this adjusted noting style is really uncovering new aspects of experience for me, and mind finds it very interesting (and a bit duh!). The note ”unpleasant” also appeared quite often, for instance every time I heard a car passing by. I have heard cars thousands of times before in meditation, and I don’t think I have ever found that sound pleasant, but I have only noted ”hearing”, or some times ”aversion”. But this time, I noted ”unpleasant” every time, but not ”aversion” every time, and again this very elementary distinction between feeling tone and reaction became more clear to me. Mind also struggled to find new one-word notes for some complex aspects of experience, so for instance, if there was the experience that space became bigger or shifted shape (more space to the left and right, but the same amount of space in front), I noted ”space”. In the same way, if something happened with the proprioceptive experience of the body, for instance the position of the body in space (eg. in a flash experienced as 45 degrees oblique to one side) or the internal positions of bodyparts sort of shifting, morphing, collapsing etc., I would just note ”position”.

General feeling: Comfortable, calm, content, much clarity, interest, curiousity, joy related to practice.

Consideration and question: I am still not quite sure which parameters to use to define ”cutting edge” (I saw shargrol mentioning in another yogi’s log that that would be a good thing to note every time): If we are talking Stages of Insight, this sitting was probably at low to medium EQ, since there were frequent thoughts, some slight physical discomfort, and not the heavy absorption feeling, absence of thoughts, deep calm and peacefullness and/or otherworldly weirdness and dreamyness that, as I understand it, is typical of high EQ. And since I have been in high EQ before, I was not at my cutting edge in this sitting. But if the parameter is mindfulness, the strength of mindfulness (i.e. the continuity in time and resolution in space of mindfulness), the effortlessness of mindfulness, well, then I was pretty close to cutting edge in this sitting. Which parameter would be best to use when logging about a particular sitting’s relation to cutting edge?
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Pepe ·, modified 3 Years ago at 8/21/20 8:58 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/21/20 8:58 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Both! One related to perceptual clarity, the other to psychological stability. I'm just waiting for Shargrol to write a book to explain it throughly emoticon
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 8/22/20 11:36 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/22/20 11:33 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Niels Lyngsø:

Consideration and question: I am still not quite sure which parameters to use to define ”cutting edge” (I saw shargrol mentioning in another yogi’s log that that would be a good thing to note every time): If we are talking Stages of Insight, this sitting was probably at low to medium EQ, since there were frequent thoughts, some slight physical discomfort, and not the heavy absorption feeling, absence of thoughts, deep calm and peacefullness and/or otherworldly weirdness and dreamyness that, as I understand it, is typical of high EQ. And since I have been in high EQ before, I was not at my cutting edge in this sitting. But if the parameter is mindfulness, the strength of mindfulness (i.e. the continuity in time and resolution in space of mindfulness), the effortlessness of mindfulness, well, then I was pretty close to cutting edge in this sitting. Which parameter would be best to use when logging about a particular sitting’s relation to cutting edge?

Cutting edge is a less relevant consideration when the yogi is mostly in EQ. In a way, EQ is more about becoming intimate with whatever experience the mind shows. So maybe "degree of intimacy" is a better measure. 

It can be tricky, though. Another thing that EQ provokes is a sense of trying to get past the last blockage, the last barrier, to finally get stream entry. All of this thinking and worry needs to be seen as more mental drama. The truth is no one knows when cessation will occur, no one knows how to make cessation happen, and you will only ever be aware of cessation after it happens ---- so the futility of trying to game the practice, manipulate the experience, make something happen should be remembered whenever meditation ambition strikes.
 
Intimacy really is the name of the game in EQ. What is my experience? Can I allow this experience to express itself? Can I rest my mind within this experience? Can I let myself be infused by this experience? Can my awareness infuse this experience?

When you try to be intimate too fast, that's clearly no good either. So another part of intimacy is allowing and giving the proper time to courting too emoticon

The mind will dip into other nanas, sort of like cleaning the house. That's fine and good, no big deal. As always, nothing can really break EQ because EQ allows all experiences. EQ is kinda paradoxical.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/21/20 12:14 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/21/20 12:14 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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21st of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 + 26 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness strong and relatively stable all the way through (I say ”relatively” because the last couple of sittings I have become a bit better at detecting small changes in energy level, and there were some of those). Mindfulness (continuity, resolution and effortlessness of mindfulness) reached 95 percent of cutting edge after 5-7 minutes, and 100 percent some 30-35 minutes in. 
Insight Stage: Mid-EQ (I am not too sure about my assesment of stages). I did (F minus S)-noting.

Body
was comfortable, relaxed, soft, bottom of the ocean feeling. A slight backpain was noted as ”unpleasant”, but there was no aversion to it, so I noted ”acceptance”, which is a note I almost never used when I did my sensations-dominated Freestyle noting, but which is showing up much more often now. Sound and visual field: Nothing much happening, but mind still labeled the highpitched notes and the softly moving ligt ”pleasant”, ”beautiful” and of ”interest”. Thoughts: There were almost only image thoughts, and it strikes me as I write this, that the reason why (pre)verbal thought is almost absent now, might be that I am noting, because up until resently I mostly did Open awareness without verbal notes. Now, when I label, there is less space in the verbal channel, so I don’t detect any verbal thoughts. So, note to non-self: When I get better at (F minus S)-noting, I will switch to Open awareness again and check in with verbal thought. Even the image thoughts were few, though, and clearly seen, gently investigated.
Emotions, feeling tones etc.It was very much like in the last sitting, a lot of emotions showed up, especially connected to image thoughts, feeble, fleeting emotions, abstract almost, or as if experienced throug binoculars that you have turned around. The most often noted emotions were ”sadness”, ”wonder”, ”loneliness”, ”compassion”. And, as mentioned, a lot of ”acceptance”. I noted more ”unpleasant” than ”pleasant”, but there was some bias in that, since the overall feeling was very pleasant, which meant that ”unpleasant” was what stood out as the exception. I detected several small changes in energy level and noted ”energy slightly down”, ”energy up again”, ”dullness”, ”dreamy”.

General feeling: Comfortable, pleasant, very very calm, very very still (for long stretches, body was almost completely motionsless and breath became as in deep sleep). Wonder and joy related to practice. Strong faith in practice. Gratitude.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/22/20 9:21 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/22/20 9:20 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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22nd of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 minutes.

Mindfulness going a bit up and down (clearly perceived, most of the time) between medium and just below strong. It reached 80 percent of cutting edge after ten minutes, around 85 percent some twenty minutes in, but still going a bit up and down. Insigt Stage: Probably Low EQ.

Body
was generally comfortable. Some backpain, mostly noted as ”unpleasant”, sometimes also met with ”aversion”. I adjusted posture several times, but it never became more than a bit uncomfortable. Tightness in the chest, tension and pulsations in the back of the head. Softness and ”grounding feeling” in the bottom of the torso, at and above the root chakra, noted as ”pleasant”. Mind experimented with finding different feeling tones (pleasant, unpleasant, neutral) in different parts of the body and was able to shift the overall experience back and forth between (slightly) pleasant and (slightly) unpleasant by moving focus around between body parts. I have done a lot of body scanning (Goenka style), but it is new for me to do it this way with focus on feeling tones. Sound and visual field: Several external sounds (cars, washing machine) were labelled ”unpleasant” and ”aversion” arose, but the internal sounds (highpitched notes) were always experienced as ”pleasant”. In the same way, nothing in the visual field was labelled ”unpleasant”: The nonfigurative stuff was experienced as ”pleasant”, and I also noted ”wonder”, ”fascination”, ”beauty”. Some scary faces were noted as ”neutral” and only met with ”acceptance”, never ”aversion” (fear etc.). Thoughts: Again almost only image thoughts, primarily faces from the past, which were noted with emotional labels. Emotions, feeling tones etc.: The faces from the past was mostly met with ”sadness” and ”compassion”, there was also sadness and compassion with regard to my past self in those situations. A general theme seems to be that I – and I see this much more clearly now – have felt disconnected from other people. Lonely. Unable to see them and unable to see my self. Furthermore, I noted a few changes in energy level. And I began noticing some typical causal chains of notes, for instance that ”acceptance” led to ”calm” led to ”joy” (not very surprising, but it was experientially more clear to me than it has been before).

General feeling: Mostly comfortable, calm, content, a slight dullness. Faith in practice, joy related to practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/22/20 6:58 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/22/20 6:58 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
22nd of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1 60 + 48 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang, was quite surprised that an hour had already past, so there was time distortion). Sitting from around 23:00, so a late night sit.

Mindfulness very strong and quite stable (energy went slightly down now and then, but then up again; towards the end more consistently a little down from max level). Mindfulness reached 95 percent of cutting edge after 4-5 minutes and 100 percent after 20-30 minutes (difficult to say due to time distortion). I did (F minus S)-noting to begin with, but when I reached cutting edge mindfulness, there was so much clarity, and so much super subtle and fast stuff going on, that there arose a strong and sudden intention (urge, even) to just drop the notes and go along with what happened, so I switched to Open awareness.

Body
was comfortable and soft on the inside, but with a quite strong pressure in the surface, especially in the upper torso, upper arms, neck, face and head. The pressure was bordering on unplesant in the beginning, but was consistently met with ”acceptance”. It subsided somewhat later in the sitting. There was a feeling of sitting at the bottom of a very deep ocean, the pressure with a calm intensity (or intense calm) making the body very very still, most of the time almost motionsless. Breath also became quite still, though sometimes changing its tempo a bit, sometimes suddenly a very long inbreath, sometimes pauses of maybe five seconds after the outbreath. Thought were very few and very clearly seen, more or less only image thoughts. Visual field: a bit chaotic, but quite dim light moving fast. The first 30-40 minutes there were also flashes of faces from the past and of all sorts of horror faces (animal like and demon like monsters, skulls, mummies etc.). Later in the sitting, the faces didn’t show up ay more, and the field got darker, almost black. Towards the end, I opened my eyes, it made almost no difference, except that there was a bit more clarity. I slowly looked around in the almost pitch black room and had a really strange feeling of transparency, as if my head, indeed my whole body, was transparent, and somebody/something looked straight through it from a place I could not find, and which seemed to be everywhere. There was a thought that this might be ”a nondual visual experience”, although I am not quite sure what that would mean. The nonfigurative stuff was met with ”acceptance” and considered ”pleasant” and ”fascinating”. All the faces were met with ”acceptance” and ”interest” and ”curiousity” and considered ”neutral”. The transparency experience was met with ”curiousity” and ”excitement” and was maintained for 10-15 seconds. Sound: Highpitched notes in both ears, quite high in volume with a ”deafening” quality, even in pitch, not vibratory. They were considered ”pleasant” and sometimes investigated with ”interest”. Emotions, feeling tones etc.: In the beginning when I noted, I mostly noted ”intensity”, ”clarity”, ”calm”, ”stable energy”, ”curiousity”, ”content”, ”joy”, and those qualities also appeared during the Open awareness fase. The last hour or so there was futhermore a ”dreamlike” or ”otherworldly” touch.

General feeling: Very comfortable, deep calm, very very still, wonder, joy, excitement, dreamy, otherworldly. Strong faith in practice.

Comment: It is funny how a specific wording of something you thought you already knew suddenly can make a huge difference. The word ”intimacy” had that effect on me, so thanks again, shargrol! An aha moment for me: Intimacy, of course! Getting intimate, as in love making, as in dance, as in good conversation, ensemble playing, teamwork … You are in it, but you are not doing it. You are an indispensable part of it, but you are not controlling it (more than it is controlling you). It is just happening. I finally get it, THAT is the way it should feel! It didn’t feel like it all the way, it began feeling like it some 30-40 minutes in, and I am still a very clumsy dancer, so let’s say the ”level of intimacy” was at 75 percent of an imagined max when it was at its best this time.

Sorry for the long post, I am just so excited about all the new stuff I am learning. emoticon
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/23/20 5:29 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/23/20 5:28 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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August 23rd 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 + 11 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness strong and stable, a few slight drops in energy, clearly seen and short lasting.

Level of intimacy was not quite as high as last night, and I am still not sure how to log it (percentage? Of what? My experience is still so limited, also the level changes during the sit), so I will tentatively say that is was medium, and that I reached this medium level after about twenty minutes.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting the first 20-25 minutes or so, then tried to switch to Open awareness, since I found it difficult to get really intimate while noting. And it did get more intimate, but after some minutes, clarity seemed to go down a bit, and so did intimacy, and so I returned to (F minus S)-noting – with some short intervals of Open awareness to check what happened.

Body
was comfortable, soft, still, bottom of the ocean feeling, pressure in the surface, but not nearly as strong as last night. Thoughts were few and clearly seen, most of them related to the new noting technique and the intention to get intimate. Visual field: Nothing much going on, a few faces from the past, which I held onto a little to detect an emotion or feeling tone, a few horror faces, which were perceived as neutral and met with interest, but never caused any emotional reaction what so ever. Sound: Highpitched notes in both ears, perceived with interest and curiousity and as ”beautiful” and ”otherworldly”. At one point the note in the right ear began pulsating slowly (1-2 hz), mind really liked that. Emotions, feeling tones etc.: The faces caused ”sadness”, ”compassion”, ”loneliness”, ”wish to connect” (a note I haven’t used before), ”forgiveness”. There seemed to be some emotional letting go taking place, especially connected to childhood memories. The name of the Copenhagen suburb I grew up in, Skovlunde (meaning cirka ”Little forrest”), morphed in my thoughts to Sorglunde (sounding almost identical in Danish, meaning cirka ”Sadness forrest”). This brought tears to my eyes, and a smile of acceptance at the same time. I dwelled in childhood sadness for a while, felt it calmly, took it in. Otherwise I mostly noted ”calm”, ”clarity”, ”pleasant” and sometimes ”peaceful”, ”gratitude”, ”joy” (mostly, but not only related to practice). Sometimes there was some shame or selfconsciousness or doubt about all these emotions, and I investigated that and came up with the note ”fear of making a mistake” (”Oh, what if I note ’sadness’, and I am not really sad, and people find out?”). That note evolved to ”fear of being ostracized” and I used these two new notes several times, as they made me see that particular aspect of experience more clearly and hence with ”acceptance”, which I then noted.

General feeling: Comfortable, calm, sometimes slightly otherworldly, wonder. Faith in practice. I feel that the new noting technique combined with the understanding of intimacy has taken my practice a step further, so also: Gratitude for practice. And patience, actually (a few thoughts about SE, but they were clearly seen as the striving yogi’s little drama and story telling). There was even happiness (but I didn't note it, probably didn't dare).
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/23/20 12:10 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/23/20 12:10 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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August 23rd 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
weak, going a bit up and down, never got over medium, lost it completely 4-5 times for a second or two. Twice there was a little jerk when I woke up again.

Level of intimacy: weak. Due to the dullness, I wasn’t able to engage properly in the experience.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting, except for a short stretch when I did Open awareness to see if that would make it easier to get intimate, but it didn’t get easier, on the contrary. Often dullness was so strong that I forgot to note (but didn’t lose mindfulness completely).

Body was comfortable, but not very still, some backpain met with ”aversion”, several corrections of posture, a little restlessness due to the dullness. Thoughts were few, mostly dreamlike nonsense stuff that I dipped into when mindfulness was at its weakest. Visual field and sound: Nothing much happening. Emotions, feeling tones etc.: I mostly noted ”calm”, ”content”, ”low clarity”, but also ”aversion”, ”dullness”, ”low energy”.

General feeling: Comfortable and calm, no biggie, some aversion to the low energy and the lack of ability to engage with intimacy, but mostly acceptance.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/23/20 4:46 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/23/20 4:46 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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August 23rd 2020, Third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.1, 60 minutes. Late night sitting, beginning at 22:30.

Mindfulness
began at medium, but after maybe twenty minutes dropped to somewhere between weak and medium. I lost it completely for a second or two twice. No jerks this time.

Level of intimacy: between weak and medium. There was dullness as the most predominant feature most of the time, and so I tried to engage in that with intimacy, and at least I did not have any aversion against it, but I was not very able to investigate it, follow it, go along with it. Maybe (it strikes me now) some subtle aversion, a wish to have better mindfulness. Maybe I should have done less and just dozed off? As I remember it, Culadasa warns against the pleasure of subtle dullness, it doesn't lead anywhere, he says. But maybe that applies more to some earlier stage?

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting. Noting got sparse when dullness was strong.

Body was comfortable and still. A few corrections of posture. Thougts were few, except dreamlike nonsense stuff. Visual field and sound: Nothing much happening. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: I mostly noted "calm" and in the beginning "clarity", I noted "content", "acceptance", "pleasant", but more than half of the time I just sat there, not noting anything, with very feeble mindfulness with a dreamlike feeling. It was somewhere between neutral and slightly pleasant.

General feeling: Comfortable, calm, pleasant, a bit meh.
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 8/23/20 5:56 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/23/20 5:55 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 871 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent Posts
Just a quick question if I may chime one in : When you get intimate with someone, how much do you investigate them ? Isn't investigating what we do in order to get to intimacy ?

It seems to me like you are pretty clear about the lack of clarity btw. Is that possible ?

(Shargrol, do say so it if you think these questions are misleading, please emoticon)
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 8/23/20 8:32 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/23/20 8:28 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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+1

It's time to stop investigating and time to make love. emoticon  

But as a non-sexy way to say it, meditation becomes like enjoyable play. Somehow "you" and "experience" become one playful interaction.

Or like dancing and neither can tell who is leading. emoticon
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/24/20 5:13 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/24/20 5:13 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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Olivier:
Just a quick question if I may chime one in : When you get intimate with someone, how much do you investigate them ? Isn't investigating what we do in order to get to intimacy ?

It seems to me like you are pretty clear about the lack of clarity btw. Is that possible ?

(Shargrol, do say so it if you think these questions are misleading, please emoticon)

Excellent point, Olivier! Investigating is indeed what we do to GET to intimacy. And I am there now, so no more investigation! And yes, when dullness and low clarity is there, I am usually aware. To be "clear" about "lack of clarity" sounds paradoxical, but that's way it is. Mindfulness can be so feeble that mind isn't able to note, isn't able to do anything, in fact, but it is somehow still there. I do lose mindfulness completely a few times. But I think I shouldn't be so afraid of that (in the beginning of practice, it was a big issue). In stead maybe try, when mindfulness then returns, to see if I can remember where it was when it was gone ...
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/24/20 5:21 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/24/20 5:21 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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24th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Slight
change of set-up: Since there is no longer any reason for me to go through the structured noting (1. body sensations, 2. emotions and feeling tones, 3. thoughts) each time, and it has started to feel mechanical, and since the (F minus S)-noting seem to be the noting technique I need for the time being, if any, I have decided to change my meditation set-up. I call the new set-up SamVip 1.2, and it goes like this:

SamVip 1.2: First I recite some inner words about my motivation and intention. These may vary and evolve (for the time being, they are about intimacy, getting intimate, playfulness, dance etc). Then I do samatha to calm the mind: I do anapanasati with the spot above the upper lip and under the nostrils as object. When mind is ready, be it after five seconds or five minutes, I gradually expand the object to include the face, head, arms, torso and legs. Then I include sound and visuals as well, everything that is here and now. And then I do (F minus S)-noting for a while to highlight the aspects of experience that I hitherto have not seen clearly enough. When mind is ready, I drop the notes and try to just be intimate with the experience, no matter what it is. If the (F minus S)-noting for some reason reappears by itself later in the sitting, I will try to dance with that as well.

This sitting:

Mindfulness strong and stable all the way through.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for about 15 minutes, then dropped the notes. They reappeared during the last ten minutes or so, noting speed faster, it was more effortless to note.

Level of intimacy: Above medium.

Body very comfortable and at ease, soft, maybe a bit more floating in space-feeling than sitting on the bottom of the ocean-feeling, if that makes sense. Thoughts came and went, very clearly seen and seen in a more relaxed way – I guess I have had a subtle aversion to thoughts before, an aversion that was not alway clear. Thoughts also seemed to be a bit more integrated into the total experience than they use to be. Sound and visual field: Nothing much going on, or rather: the usual stuff, highpitched notes, passing cars, dim light softly moving. It was experienced as neutral, pleasant, beautiful. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: I mostly noted (and noticed) ”calm”, ”clarity”, ”ease”, ”spaciousness”, ”joy”, ”wonder”, ”pleasant” and ”fun”. Fun! Never used that note before, and when I did, I was a bit shocked to realize that fun has played such a small role in my meditation (and life!). Meditation has been a lot of things, including deep, fascinating, weird, otherworldly, pleasant and peacefull, but fun! Just plain, good ol’ fun. That was nice. What also strikes me is that there was absolutely no aversion in the entire sitting. A few things were noted or noticed as ”unpleasant”, but immediately after there was ”acceptance” -> ”calm” -> ”joy”. There was zero dullness this time, and so I am excited to see, next time it arises, if it can be met with the same kind of ease.

General feeling: Calm, much clarity, ease and lightness, joy, fun. Gratitude for practice, faith in practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/24/20 8:05 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/24/20 8:05 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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24th of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable to begin with, then a drop to around medium after about 40 minutes and back up to strong just before the bell rang.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for about ten minutes, then dropped the notes and sat with Open awareness. When energy dropped, notes reemerged sporadically.

Level of intimacy: Above medium.

Body very comfortable and at ease, floating in space-feeling. Body got tired when energy dropped, spine collapsed and body rested with face down for maybe ten minutes with almost imperceptible breath, then suddenly there was a big inhale, and I (yes, that felt like ”my” intention) sat up straight again in one movement, following the lead of the inbreath, feeling that the energy had returned. Thoughts came now and then and were clearly seen and more relaxed seen that before, and there was no detectable aversion to them, BUT they still seem different than sound, vision and body sensation in that they seem to contract experience into the ”control tower” (i.e. the head), and so, while they are there, the rest of experience fades somewhat. Sound and visual field: The usual objects, met with ”interest”, seen as ”pleasant”, ”neutral” (and one particularly nasty passing car seen as ”unpleasant”), ”beautiful”. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Mostly ”calm”, ”clarity”, ”wonder”, ”ease”, ”joy”. Also some ”beauty” and ”fun”. When energy dropped (and notes resumed) I noted ”low energy”, ”low clarity”, ”acceptance” -> ”calm” -> ”joy” (this little causal chain seems to be somewhat automatized now). Two fleeting worries arose (they were preverbal, but spelled out they went like this: ”I must be close to Stream Entry now, oh fuck, I’m not supposed to have thoughts about Stream Entry!”; and ”wait a minute, right now it’s not fun at all, just calm, I thought I just learned meditation was meant to be fun!”), but these micro dramas were immediately seen through and met with forbearance and compassion, this whole little process each time taking place in less than a second.

General feeling: Calm, comfortable, excitement, ease and lightness, joy (and now and then fun). Joy, gratitude and faith related to practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/24/20 1:39 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/24/20 1:39 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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24th of August 2020, Third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong and stable to begin with, then a drop to around medium after about 30 minutes and then went up and down between weak and medium.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for about ten minutes, then dropped the notes and sat with Open awareness. Later on, notes reemerged sporadically, especially when energy was low.

Level of intimacy: Well above medium.

Body comfortable and at ease, most of the time bottom of the ocean-feeling, for some stretches floating in space-feeling. A couple of times body got tired when energy dropped, spine collapsed and body rested with face down, and like in the last sitting then suddenly there was a big inhale, and I sat up straight, following the inbreath, feeling that the energy had returned (and it had). Thoughts came now and then and were clearly and relaxed seen. Sound and visual field: The usual objects, met with ”interest” and ”curiosity”, perceived as ”pleasant”, ”neutral”, ”beautiful”, ”otherworldly” (the highpitched notes only). Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Again mostly ”calm”, ”clarity”, ”wonder”, ”ease”, ”joy”. Also some ”beauty” and ”fun”. When energy dropped (and notes resumed) I noted ”low energy”, ”low clarity”, ”acceptance” -> ”calm” -> ”joy” and then dropped the notes as it seemed easier to sit with dullness than only a couple of days ago.

General feeling: Calm, comfortable, pleasant, excitement, ease and lightness. Joy, gratitude and faith related to practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/24/20 4:39 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/24/20 4:39 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

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24th of August 2020, Fourth sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness At first strong, then slowly dropping all the way to very weak over a stretch of 30 minutes or so. And then it stayed very feeble, but never went entirely away.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for about ten minutes, then dropped the notes and sat with Open awareness.

Level of intimacy: Above medium in the beginning. When mindfulness was very weak, I am not so sure what happened, not much of a dance, at the most an almost motionless embrace.

Body comfortable and at ease, bottom of the ocean-feeling. As mindfulness dropped, body became more and more still. Thoughts were few in the beginning and almost absent (or maybe totally absent, I am not so sure) when mindfulness was very feeble. Sound and visual field: Nothing much here. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: In the beginning mostly ”calm”, ”clarity”, ”content”, ”ease”, ”joy”. When mindfulness had become very weak, everything was just neutral, uneventfull, still. Mind was even unable to note this as it happened, but must have noticed, since I remember.

General feeling: Deeply dalm, still, content. Faith related to practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/25/20 5:35 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/25/20 5:35 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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25th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness very strong and stable most of the sit. One slight drop in energy (to somewhere just under ”strong”), lasting 5-7 minutes, some 35-40 minutes in.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for maybe twenty minutes before dropping the notes, since there seemed to be a lot of very fast and subtle stuff going on, and I wantes to make sure I perceived it clearly. I did have a sense of clarity all the way, there was just so much to see in the clarity. The notes returned several times later in the sit when I felt I didn’t quite percieve what was going on.

Level of intimacy: medium or a little less, since this sitting was more analytical than the sittings yesterday, meaning I did more noting, more thinking, i.e. active comprehension which somewhat hinders the intimacy of the dance.

Body was comfortable all the way, but shifting: At the beginning mostly a bottom of the ocean feel. Then a strong tension arose between the shoulderblade and inside the chest. At the same time there was tension in the neck, the back of the head and in the crown chakra. It felt as if I litterally was carrying – and balancing – a heavy burden on my head, pressing the spine down towards the cushion. These body sensations were mildly unpleasant, but met with ”acceptance” and ”interest”, I even noted ”fun”. The tensions wore off, body got tired (this is where the energy dropped), spine collapsed and body rested for 5-7 minutes, until a big inbreath came, and I (or ”the body”: the ownership of this intention wasn’t clear) sat up straight again, and then energy was back to max (this seems to be a pattern). Thoughts were few, clearly seen, mostly practice related. Visual field only came to the forefront a few times with abstract, dim patterns of softly moving light, perceived as ”pleasant”, ”beautiful”, ”fascinating”. Sound: The highpitched notes were there as usual, still perceived as ”otherworldly”, ”pleasant”, ”beautiful”, but a new thing happened: A humming sound from the hotwater tank, which mind usually don’t pay much attention to and just perceives as ”neutral”, was suddenly perceived as inside the head, not out there on the other side of the door where it is located. Mind got curious about this and compared the humming to the internally generated highpitched sounds, and they clearly seemed to be located in the same space, a space that was perceived as ”inside”. Mind then checked with another alledgedly external sound, a passing car, and that seemed to be ”outside”, although the delineation was not sharp.

Emotions, feelingtones etc.:
     1) I mostly noted (and noticed) calm and clarity, but especially in the beginning there was a lot of very subtle and fast stuff going on, difficult to categorize or just describe, so I had doubts about the note ”clarity”: What I saw was in some sense ”unclear”, but I saw it clearly, so I came up with a new note: ”complexity”. I saw ”complexity” with ”clarity”. Then some thoughts came about the dual nature of this experience (”so, the object is complexity, but the subject is perceiving it with clarity, which means that the self identifies with the clarity, but why isn’t the clarity just a quality of the object?” etc.), but after a few seconds these thoughts were discarded as ”mental drama” (my old habit of trying to control things by understanding them intellectually).
     2) And at one point, not so long after the bodily experience of carrying a heavy burden, there suddenly came some strong ”sadness”, lasting maybe 30 seconds, a sadness that seemed to be related to my whole person, my life, my past. Tears came to my eyes, but body was very calm, clarity was still strong, and a little later I noted ”forgiveness”, ”compassion”, and a Danish word meaning both faith and confidence and comfort (”fortrøstning”). And then sadness was gone.
     3) Oh yes (sorry for the long post, losts of stuff happening), I came up with some new notes: The first twenty minutes or so, I had a feeling that I was not quite intimate with the experience, I didn’t dance well, there was a micro aversion, but I couldn’t tell what the object of the aversion was, neither which flavour of aversion it was (sadness? unease?). Then I felt I got a bit better at following along, and the aversion disappeared, but later on, there came some thoughts about this, and so I came up with the notes ”following” (when I feel that I am following dance, being intimate with experience) and ”not following” (when I am not). The last note, I subdivided into two ways of not following: ”not receiving” (i.e. not listening, not getting the signal) and ”forcing” (trying to have it my way with experience). I speculated about practicing only using these four notes, or maybe even only the first two, but stuck with my (F minus S)-noting.

General feeling: Calm, Clarity, Complexity, Wonder. Joy and faith related to practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/25/20 10:14 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/25/20 10:14 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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25th of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness strong to begin with, then gradually weaker, so the last 25-30 minutes quite weak, but unbroken.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for maybe 15 minutes, then dropped the notes. They came back sporadically during the sit.

Level of intimacy: Medium. I am getting better at dancing with these low energy states: The last twenty minutes were quite uneventful, almost like dreamless sleep, except that I was clearly aware all the way.

Body was comfortable, bottom of the ocean-feeling (liquid, bubbly and wavy movements inside and through it). For about ten minutes, early in the sitting, there was again tension between the shoulderblades and in the chest and neck and back of the head and crown chakra, not as intense as in the last sitting. Body got tired and spine collapsed, sat like that for maybe 15 minutes, then for some unknown reason chose to sit up straight again. Thoughts were very few, clearly seen, the last twenty minutes almost absent. Visual field didn’t draw any attention this time. Sound: Hightpitched notes perceived as ”otherworldly”, ”beautiful”, ”pleasant”. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: There was mostly ”calm”, ”clarity”, ”pleasant”, "neutral". The last twenty minutes there was not ”complexity” (lots of hard to define stuff going on), but rather ”darkness” (althoug I didn’t note that, I didn’t note anything at that point, but I intend to use that note some other time), meaning ”almost nothing going on”, which was still clearly seen. I noted ”dreamy” and "neutral" a few times to label the uneventful low energy state.

General feeling: Calm, clarity, darkness, dreamy, pleasant, neutral. Some aversion (passing cars), mostly acceptance, though. Not many emotions, except content with practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/26/20 1:23 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/26/20 1:23 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

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25th of August 2020, Third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 48 minutes (sat without a timer), starting just before midnight, so a late night sit.

Mindfulness started at medium, but in 10-15 minutes it slided all the way down to very very feeble, but it was unbroken.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for 5-7 minutes, then dropped the notes.

Level of intimacy: above medium, maybe more, not sure how to asses it as there was almost no dance taking place.

Body was extremely comfortable and still, deeply relaxed, self held, the discs of the spine just stacked to a column and muscles just hanging from it. Felt more relaxed than lying down.

Thoughts were very few to begin with and then completely absent – except if an external sound came, then mindfulness rose slightly and there was a little chain of two or three thoughts and two or three feeling tones, all of which felt like very small events in a vast empty space.

Visual field: Nothing.

Sound: I don’t recall if there was highpitched notes, but a few external sounds.

Emotions, feelingtones etc.: When I noted, I noted ”calm”, ”clarity”, ”ease”, ”pleasant”, ”peacefull”, and it continued like that when I dropped the notes, except it was neutral rather than pleasant.

General feeling: Extremely comfortable and relaxed, feeling of vast empty space, at first pleasant, then neutral and content. Felt like I could have sat like that all night, but I decided to get some sleep in stead.

Question: Would there be any benefit in just sitting for hours on end at night when mind is as restfull as this? Or was it wise to get some sleep instead?
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/26/20 4:26 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/26/20 4:26 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
26th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness between medium and strong, quite steady all the way.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting, dropped the notes after some 15 minutes. They reappeared sporadically.

Level of intimacy: above medium, maybe even almost high (not quite sure yet how to asses this).

Body: Half an hour before the sitting I had a sudden sharp pain in the back (middle of the back just to the left of the spine), it came out of nowhere, I didn’t move at all (was standing by the stove), wasn’t really thinking or feeling anything in particular, and then suddenly: ouch! It wore off a bit as I drank my coffee, but I carried it with me into the sitting, and so the body was actually quite uncomfortable most of the way, although the rest of the body was neutral or even pleasant, this unpleasant feeling dominated. Later on there was also tension in the neck and back of the head near the crown, also experienced as (slightly) unpleasant. There was no aversion to the discomfort, only acceptance, and a bit of wonder that there was no negative reaction since it was quite painful. In the beginning I sat up straight, but after about ten minutes, the spine sloooowly began collapsing by itself, and after maybe 30-35 minutes I sat totally bend over, having felt no intention to move at all, just observing the movement. Which created some relaxation and comfort. After having sat bent over for maybe ten minutes, there was a sudden long inhale, and I was just about to sit up straight, but hesitated. Another couple of deep inhales followed, and then I (with the feeling of it being ”my” intention) sat up, although I didn’t feel sure that I ”read” the experience correctly, i.e. followed the dance, or if I was being clumsy. Thoughts were there, mostly image thougths, easily trickling one by one, seen and let go of. Half of it pretty random stuff, some 30 percent flashes of memories from youth and childhood, no stories, just glimpses of faces and places. Last 20 percent practice related (and (pre)verbalized). Visual field didn’t draw attention this time, except from the image thoughts. Sound: Highpitched notes were low volume, at one point only in the right ear, which is unusual. Perceived as ”otherworldly”, ”pleasant”, ”neutral”. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: The most dominating was ”acceptance” and ”calm”, ”clarity”, even though it felt as if I couldn’t see far, I felt restricted to my physical frame, the back pain, the thoughts that seemed to be located in the head, I noted ”contraction”, ”limited space”. There were some emotions related to the memories, mostly a feeling of ”disconnection from other people”, ”loneliness”, s”adness”, but all met with lots of acceptance. It had the flavour of ”life review”, especially childhood and youth, little details I haven’t thought of for decades appeared. It felt as if I was reviewing someone else’s life, even though it was me, and so I noted ”me and not me”.

General feeling: physical discomfort, acceptance, calm, wonder at practice, faith in practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 3:21 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/26/20 11:45 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
26th of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness at first medium, then dropping slowly over maybe 20 minutes to very low. From then on it went a bit up and down, but towards the end seemed to stabilize somewhat around medium again.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting, dropped the notes after about 15 minutes. They reappeared sporadically.

Level of intimacy: medium.

Body was okay comfortable. Still a bit discomfort in the back, noted a few times as ”unpleasant”, but no aversion. Body got tired, spine collapsed, body rested, then sat up straight again, I just followed along. Thoughts were there quite often in the beginning, then when energy got very low, it alternated between almost no thoughts and sudden drops into dreamlike thoughts where I stayed for some seconds until mindulness pulled back up again by itself. Difficult to say if it was entirely gone or not: Often I could only recall the last fragment of the dreamlike thought stream, but on the other hand I knew I had only been ”dreaming” for some seconds, so there must have been awareness of time passing. Visual field and sound: nothing much happening. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: The dominating was ”calm”, ”content”, ”clarity” (I should have noted some ”darkness” as well during the long low energy phase, since what I clearly saw was almost nothing (apart from the bursts of dream thoughts)). There was also a little ”joy” and ”fun” and ”wonder”.

General feeling: Very calm, relaxed, acceptance, stillness, content. Joy about practice, faith in practice.

Comment: It seems that I can’t get really intimate while noting, but the (F minus S)-noting provides some necessary additional clairity, so it is a choice between dance or analysis (in order to become a better dancer). What I do now, is a meta-move: I try to dance with the question of noting or not noting, letting the notes come when they come, and disappear when they disappear, but I am considering a bit more structured approach, for instance alternating the sits, so noting through one sit, dancing in the next, noting, dancing …
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 3:54 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 3:40 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
27th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 + 23 minutter (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness strong, the last 35-40 minutes a little less than strong, but still way over medium.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for about ten minutes, then dropped the notes. They reappeared sporadically.

Level of intimacy: medium, maybe a bit more.

Body was very comfortable, self held, soft, liquid, bottom of the ocean-feeling (wobbly, bubbly, wavy movements). It got tired, spine collapsed slowly, body rested, then sat up straight again, I just followed along. Thoughts were there maybe half the time, in lumps, with stretches of 30-40 seconds of no thinking at all. Thoughts clearly seen, a few of them (little practice related dramas) even with forebearance. No aversion to them at all. Visual field: Attention only went there a few times, saw dim lights moving softly, also some more sparkly blueish stuff, all of it perceived as ”neutral” or ”pleasant” or ”beautiful”. Sound: Highpitched notes in both ears, very even in pitch and volume, perceived as ”pleasant” and ”otherwordly”. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: The most dominant were "calm" and "acceptance" and "content", also a little "joy", a little "wonder", a little "faith", and a handful of instances of "unpleasant", and "fun" a few times too. What stroke me most was that there was really no detectable aversion at any time (except perhaps indirectly in the few mental dramas of trying to chase the last remnants of self out of the system – a bit like a cat chasing its own tail).

General feeling: Very calm, much acceptance, clarity, content. Faith in practice. Could easily have sat much longer, had time permitted.
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 6:54 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 6:54 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 871 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent Posts
Hi Niels,

I wanted to mention something I remembered while reading your log ; i was listening to the jhana retreat by rob burbea, and during the talk on fourth jhana, he says that there seems to be a natural tendency for many people to "bow" while in this general territory, or to collapase more of less completely, which happened to him, and it's something he followed along quite naturally when it developed in his practice ; but for some reason, he goes on to say that after a few decades of meditating, he now wished that he would have nipped that habit in the bud and recommended that his students do the same. 

Just passing it on emoticon

Cheers !
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 11:54 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 11:54 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 1310 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
Still reading every day. Your log continnues to set the gold standard. I have one quick question.
What is (F minus S)-noting ?
I couldn't find it at the top
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 12:22 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 12:22 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Thank you for the kind words. (F minus S)-noting means "Freestyle minus Sensations". I switched to that some days ago, so it is not at the top of the thread. It means that I note anything except Seeing, Hearing, Feeling (= body sensations), Smelling, Tasting, Thinking. I do in order to focus more on emotions, feeling tones, reactions, moods, mind states etc. emoticon 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 12:25 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 12:25 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
27th of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
was strong. Maybe a slight drop in energy the last 10-15 minutes.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for 7-8 minutrs, then dropped the notes. They reappeared a few times later.

Level of intimacy: a bit more than medium.

Body was very comfortable, self held, soft. In the beginning it was bottom of the ocean-feeling with a wobbly, wavy pressure in the surface of the body, but gradually the pressure became less intense and more homogeneous and the body sort of lighter, what I all in all have characterized as ”floating in space”. Ocean was mostly related to ”pleasant”, space mostly to neutral, both met with complete acceptance and content. Thoughts came and went, fewer and fewer as the sitting progressed, and more and more distand (more and more preverbalized). No aversion to them. Visual field did not draw much attention. Sound: Highpitched notes in both ears, very even in pitch and volume, perceived as ”pleasant” and ”otherwordly”. Volume got a bit higher when the general state morphed to ”floating in space”. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: The most dominant was "calm", "content", "acceptance". And like in the last sitting: no detectable aversion. No real emotions this time (sadness, joy etc.) but some "interest", "curiousity", "wonder".

General feeling: Very calm, much acceptance, much content, clarity. Faith in practice. Could easily have sat longer, had time permitted.

Comment and question: Following Olivier’s comment – thanks for that – I resisted an intention to collapse the spine and stayed in upright position all the way through. In that way I didn’t ”do nothing”, didn’t ”just follow the dance”, but I wanted to check the difference, which was than energy stayed high, whereas it usually drops when I collapse the spine. This meant that I could observed more, that there was more clarity, which felt satisfying. But I still have some doubts regarding technique: Noting will make me lean to the vipassana side, Open awareness will make me lean to the samatha side. Staying in upright position will make me lean to the vipassana side, collapsing the spine will make me lean to the samatha side. I am not quite sure what is best at this point?
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 2:11 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 2:09 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2326 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
In general, slightly more vipassana than samatha for the sit. soft but upright sitting is best, no benefit in bow/dropping. Sitting with a straight spine helps with sublte attention, which is also why sitting is better than lying down. 

in general:
sit with an upright spine, vertebra stacked on each other like plates, shoulders slightly back, elbows hanging straight below shoulders (imagine carrying 50lb/20kg weights in each hand, feel that downward pull and notice where shoulder goes for most strength, keep shoulder and elblow in these positions), bend elbow joint without moving it and put hands on legs, test for upright by leaning foward and back, left and right, keep doing this with less and less leaning until you find center. The body can balance right there. Do the same test for upright with the head and neck. Finally, notice how the breath can feel like it massages the spine and organs and even slightly lifts up the chest/shoulders with each inhale. 

during a sit, adjust the quality of the body to balance energy:
as mental energy goes down and body collapses, rather than going with it, sit slightly more upright and look a little higher with a microscopically raised chin, inhale with just microscopically more intention
as mind gets busy and body becomes tense, rather than going with it, soften and relax the spine and shoulders, make the breath a litlle softer by microscopically "sighing" on exhale
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 5:30 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/27/20 5:30 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
27th of August 2020, Third sitting of the day, beginning around 23:00, so a late night sit, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
was at first medium, but over 20 minutes slided down to very low. A couple of times I succeeded in fine-tuning the energy the way shargrol just suggested (thanks!) and got it a bit up when it was almost gone. But then it slipped away, and for a long stretch of maybe twenty minutes it was more or less gone – I did not have enought energy to up-regulate energy emoticon, but just sat there. I am not sure if there was a tiny bit of mindfulness left or not, but it was as restful as deep sleep (no jerks, no snoring, not sure if it actually was sleep).

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for about ten minutes, then dropped the notes. They did not reappear.

Level of intimacy: above medium.

Body was very comfortable, self held, soft – the advice on posture was also very helpful, thanks again! Body went from bottom of the ocean-feeling to floating in space-feeling, this last one was clearer or cleaner than I have tried before: The body was completely still, very smooth or even all the way through, and apart from the breath (which got very quiet) there was no pulsations, no movements, no ticks, itches, pressure, tension … just lightness. At a certain point, when an external sound had made me temporarily regain low level mindfulness, there was a beginning fizzling in the legs and lower torso, going upwards, but it stopped. Feeling tone: very pleasant. Only reaction to this was a slight surprise, no craving, no aversion. Thoughts were few to begin with and virtually absent the last 30 minutes or so. Visual field: Nothing much happened. Sound: Highpitched notes were there in the beginning, not sure if they were there when things got very quiet. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: In the beginning, when I noted, it was mostly calm, content, relaxed, balanced, clarity, acceptance. No emotions at any point, no craving or aversion, feeling tone going from pleasant to neutral.

Comment: I didn’t note during the last half hour, but as I recall it, it was extremely calm, a deep sort of abstract, impersonal peacefulness. No joy, hardly any content, just very still and uneventfull equanimity. The knowledge of the external surroundings was gone the last twenty minutes or more, probably external sounds were more or less faded too – when the bell rang, it took me two or three seconds to remember where I was. This is highly unusual for me. Next time mind goes in this direction, I will try to keep energy slightly higher as to maintain mindfulness.

General feeling: from calm and content to extremely still and peacefull.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/28/20 3:34 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/28/20 3:34 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
28th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
was strong and almost stable – ”almost”, since I have become better at detecting small changes in energy level, so this time mind did a lot af attempts to fine-tune the energy, relaxing it a tiny bit, arousing it a tiny bit. Mind found it interesting to work with this, but there was also some slight aversion and frustration, when it didn’t succeed.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for about ten minutes, then dropped the notes. They reappeared many times, ”switched on” when there was aversion and frustration, which had the effect of sort of zooming out and seeing the whole picture (which was generally very calm and content and pleasant).

Level of intimacy: Low.

Body was in general comfortable, soft, liquid, bottom of the ocean-feeling, BUT: As with the energy regulating, posture also took quite a lot of space this time, and there was both interest, curiousity and a bit of aversion and frustration when mind wasn’t able to get quite as restfull and still as yesterday evening. Thoughts were there almost all the time, most of them practice related. Clearly seen, sometimes with some aversion. Visual field and sound didn’t draw much attention. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: The overall feeling was calm and content, but as mentioned some aversion and frustration as well. No emotions or ”psychological” stuff this time.

General feeling: Calm and content, but a little frustration that the system did not find this deep peace that I experienced yesterday.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/29/20 4:41 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/29/20 4:41 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
29th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
was strong and stable.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for ten minutes, then dropped the notes, but they quickly returned and were there for most of the sitting due to some slight aversion and agitation that I tried to investigate.

Level of intimacy: Low.

Body was mostly comfortable, I would say 95 percent comfortable, but there was a slight pain at the lower part of the back, and body kept trying to fine-tune posture, but never really found stillness. These last couple of days (since the advice on posture), mind has focused more on posture, and it is as if it senses that there is something to learn here, that it is possible to really really rest in the upright position, and so it is frustrated when it doesn’t succed in finding the perfect balance (the problem is the curve at the bottom end of the spine: how ”curvy” should it be). I noted ”frustration”, ”aversion”, but also sometimes ”balance” and ”fragility” (a new note) or ”fragile balance”. Thoughts were there constantly and met with some aversion. Visual field and sound did not draw much attention. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: The overall feeling was calm and content, but as mentioned some aversion and frustration. No emotions or ”psychological” stuff this time.

General feeling: Totally okay and almost calm, but an constant subtle aversion.

Comment: Even though calm and content took up maybe 95 percent of experience, there was this slight agitation and aversion almost all the way through. I tried to downregulate the energy using these slight sighs in the outbreath, but it wasn’t enough, and it was only about ten minutes before the bell rang that it occurred to me that I should switch back to samatha, that is to say: use the breath as an ancor or fixed object, in stead of the vipassana noting/noticing anything that showed up. That calmed the system more down – should have done that much earlier. So, note to non-self: Remember to switch back to pure samatha if the system is even slightly agitated.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/29/20 11:56 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/29/20 11:56 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
29th of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
was medium at first, but quickly dropping to somewhere between low and medium, and it went up and down in that area during the entire sit. Every time I noticed energy was going down, I upregulated it by breathing a bit more intentionally and rising the chin. It went significantly better than in the last couple of sits, but there’s still room for improvement.

Technique: I switched many times between (F minus S)-noting and Open awareness.

Level of intimacy: a bit below medium.

Body was comfortable, again a slight back pain at the lower part of the back, noted as ”unpleasant”, but no aversion to it this time. And some effort went into fine-tuning posture. Thoughts: Mostly practice related. Also short stretches with absence of thought, and few dips into dreamlike nonsense thoughts before mindfulness pulled back up, and I noticed the drop and upregulated the energy. Visual field and sound did not draw much attention. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: The overall feeling was calm and content. No emotions, apart from the occasional ”joy”.

General feeling: Calm, content, clarity, curiousity (related to regulating energy and posture). Only few instances of aversion. Content with practice, faith in practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/30/20 6:42 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/30/20 6:42 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
30th of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 + 9 minutes (kept sitting a bit after the bell rang).

Mindfulness
was just below strong and fairly stable all the way. I found it quite easy to regulate energy.

Technique: I switched back and forth between (F minus S)-noting and Open awareness. This was due to a slight restlessness, which caused me not to go for Open awareness for longer stretches – but I kept trying to see if I was able to dance without notes.

Level of intimacy: Low. Due to the restlessness, I never felt that I really entered the dance – even though things were quite calm and pleasant.

Body was comfortable, but a bit restless, mostly soft and bottom of the ocean-feeling, but there were many micro corrections of posture and a feeling of not quite finding balance and stillness – for more than a minute or two. Thoughts were there regularly, mostly practice related, clearly seen, now and then met with slight aversion. Visual field and sound: dim light softly moving, highpitched notes, as usual perceived as pleasant and the sound also as otherworldly. When I needed to downregulate energy (mind too busy), I placed more attention to these to sense doors, which had the wanted effect of calming things down. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Mostly just calm and content. No emotions, apart from the occasional ”joy”.

General feeling: Calm, content, clarity. Slight restlessnes (aversion). Content with practice, faith in practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/30/20 11:28 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/30/20 11:27 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
30th of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

I’ll make it short this time: This sitting was very much like the first sitting of the day, so I could more or less just copy-paste the notes. Slightly less aversion and restlessness this time, though.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/30/20 5:45 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/30/20 5:45 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
30th of August 2020, Third sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes, beginning at 23:20, so a late night sitting.

Mindfulness
was medium at first, but over twenty minutes or so dropped to quite low. Maybe seven or eight times I succesfully upregulated energy when it was getting too feeble by sitting up a bit more straight, rising the chin and breathing with a tiny bit more intention. Two or three times energy got just as feeble without it being detected, but I don’t think I lost mindfulness entirely, there was consciousness of the passing of time (but not much else).

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for ten minutes or so, then switched to open awareness.

Level of intimacy: above medium. I felt that I got quite intimate with this low energy absorptionlike state to a point where I was more or less dissolved into it.

Body was very very comfortable, the first 15-20 minutes bottom of the ocean-feeling, which then slowly morphed into floating in space-feeling, a feeling of lightness, transparency. Thoughts were very few and the last 35-40 minutes virtually absent. Visual field and sound: highpitched notes and external sounds the first twenty minutes or so, but I think they disappeared or at least faded. Emotions, feelingtones, etc.: From pleasant to more neutral, noticing balance, content, calm, peacefulness. No aversion at all.

General feeling: As just mentioned + content with practice, strong faith in practice. Happy and grateful when the bell rang. It took one or two seconds to remember where I was and what I had just been doing.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/31/20 4:04 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/31/20 4:04 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
31st of August 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
was strong and pretty stable. I did a little downregulating of energy a handful of times.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for 15 minutes, then switched to Open Awareness. The notes quickly returned, though, and were there on and off, since there was a little restlessness and aversion in the system.

Level of intimacy: low.

Body was like 95 percent comfortable and at ease, but there was a little restlessness and some tension in the upper back and inside the chest. I microtuned posture often, and body never got quite still. Thoughts were there frequently, half of them practice related, other half pretty random, no specific emotional charge, but some generalized dukkha related to them, and some aversion to the thoughts as well. Visual field and sound: still a place of rest (”pleasant”, ”otherworldly”, ”interest”, ”beauty”), when attention landed there. Which it didn’t very often (and I chose not to force it there, but went along with whatever was in experience). Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Calm, clarity, generally content, but at the same time this slight discontent/ dukkha/ aversion that attached itself mostly to posture, which never got entirely still, and sometimes to thoughts, but both of these objects of aversion seemed a bit random, since the physical discomfort was minimal, and the thoughts not at all overwhelming or unpleasant.

General feeling: Calm, comfortable, clarity, 95 percent content, 5 percent pebble in the shoe.

Question: I wonder if I should switch to more samatha (breath as fixed object, no notes), when I experience something like this?
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 8/31/20 6:32 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/31/20 6:32 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2326 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Rather than smoothing things over with samatha, I would actually recommend gently looking at the sense of "I" associated with aversion. What is it?
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 8/31/20 12:23 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 8/31/20 12:23 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
31st of August 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
was strong and fairly stable. A little up- and downregulating of energy – I am getting the hang of this micro-regulating emoticon.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for ten minutes or so, then switched to Open awareness. The notes reappeared sporadically.

Level of intimacy: medium. No consistent aversion this time (so I didn’t have a chance to try out the advice just given – thanks, I’ll try it next time the pebble in the shoe shows up), I felt that I more or less danced clumsily along.

Body was comfortable, bottom of the ocean-feeling, soft, liquid. I found it relatively easy to finetune posture and experienced no aversion, but body never became quite still. Thoughts were there frequently, clearly seen, no emotional charge, no aversion. Visual field and sound didn’t draw much attention this time. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Mostly calm, clarity, acceptance, pleasant, interest.

General feeling: Comfortable, calm, content, no biggie, didn’t really get intimate or deep, but no aversion either. Half way in, half way out.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/1/20 4:11 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/1/20 4:11 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
1st of September 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
strong and stable, only energy regulation was a little down-regulating a couple of times.

Technique: (F minus S)-noting for ten minutes or so, then Open awareness. Notes reappeared a few times later on.

Level of intimacy: medium.

Body was comfortable, soft, selfheld, liquid, bottom of the ocean-feeling (sligt pressure in surface, wobbly and wavy movements). Some corrections of posture, didn’t get quite still. The last 5-10 minutes the bottom of the ocean-feeling was morphing into floating in space-feeling (even more calm and "even", i.e. (almost) no wavy movements and pulsations, just stillness), and had I sat longer, things would maybe have gotten even more still. Thoughts were there frequently, clearly seen, no emotional charge. Slight aversion to them a few times, craving for quiet, peace. Visual field didn’t draw much attention. Sound: highpitched sounds perceived as pleasant, beautiful, otherworldly. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: dominated by calm, clarity, content, acceptance, just a tiny bit of boredom – didn’t notice it when I sat, but now I see there was a slight aversion to the uneventfulness.

General feeling: Very comfortable and calm, content, uneventful, and the slightest of aversions, only discovered post hoc. Content with practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/1/20 12:34 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/1/20 12:34 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
1st of September 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
strong and stable.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for maybe ten minutes, then switched to Open awareness. Notes reappeared sporadically.

Level of intimacy: medium.

Body was very comfortable, soft, liquid, bottom of the ocean-feeling. Some microcorrections of posture, didn’t find the deep stillness. Some aversion to this. I did some self inquiery into this aversion (”who is feeling this aversion?” etc.) – didn't experience that this investigation led to anything. Thoughts were there frequently, though also some stretches of maybe 30-40 seconds with virtually no thoughts. All clearly seen, no emotional charge. Slight aversion to them a few times. Visual field: nothing much happened here. Sound: highpitched notes, slightly vibratory, perceived as pleasant, otherworldly. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Mostly calm, clarity, content, now and then even joy – and curiousity, interest.

General feeling: Very comfortable and calm, content, a little joy – and the slightest aversion popping up now and then. Content with practice, excitement about practice
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/2/20 7:23 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/2/20 7:23 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
2nd of September 2020, First Sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
strong and stable. A few succeful adjustments of energy.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for around ten minutes, then switched to Open awareness. Notes reappeared sporadically.

Level of intimacy: medium.

Body was very comfortable, soft, liquid, bottom of the ocean-feeling, the last 10-15 minutes going towards floating in space-feeling, i.e. even more still. Some micro-corrections of posture, no aversion to this. Thoughts were there on and off, but became less and less frequent. The last 15-20 minutes there were stretches of 30-60 seconds with virtually no thoughts. All clearly seen, no emotional charge. No aversion to thoughts. Visual field: the light seemed a bit brighter than usual, but mind didn’t pay much attention. Sound: Quite a lot of ”disturbing” external sounds, some times experienced as ”unpleasant”, but not met with aversion. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: calm, content, clarity, acceptance, wonder, hints of joy.

General feeling: Very comfortable and calm and content. Clarity, sense of a progressively bigger space (and a tiny touch of spacing out).
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/2/20 1:15 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/2/20 1:15 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
2nd of September 2020, Second Sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
medium at first. After about 15 minutes it slowly began dropping and landed at quite low some ten minutes later and stayed there. I monitored energy, noticed the unsetting dullness, tried to upregulate energy, then forgot in the midst of it (because of the dullness), then remembered some minutes later and tried again, this repeated several times, and I did get slightly more alert each time, but it could have been done better, had I noticed the low energy earlier and more consistently.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for around ten minutes, then switched to Open awareness. Notes never really reappeared, thought they should have when the dullness became more than subtle so as to monitor everything – but I forgot.

Level of intimacy: medium, I was with the dullness, feeling it, not resisting it, not having aversion to it.

Body
was comfortable, bottom of the ocean-feeling. Micro-corrections to posture, body never got quite still. Thoughts were there in the beginning, but almost disappeared when the dullness hit. Sound and visual field did not draw much attention this time. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: calm, content, acceptance, in the beginning clarity, then less clarity and the sense of af more constricted space (vaguely noticed, but not properly noted). No psychological emotions, no aversion (except if one considers the dullness as a subtle form of aversion).

General feeling: Comfortable, calm, content, no biggie, just another day at the office named niceness. Afterward, though, a slight dissatisfaction that I didn’t manage to upregulate the energy, which would have made the sitting more ”interesting” (this seen as the over-ambitious yogi talking).
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/2/20 4:46 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/2/20 4:46 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
2nd of September 2020, Second Sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
medium, dropping to quite low after maybe twenty minutes. I monitored the drop in energy and several times upregulated it with some success. Never lost mindfulness completely, even though the dullness was quite massive the last 30 minutes or so.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for around ten minutes, then switched to Open awareness. Notes reappeared several times when energy was very low.

Level of intimacy: medium – I was with the dullness, felt it, soaked in it, had no aversion to it, upregulated it a bit now and then so as to not lose mindfulness completely.

Body was very comfortable, going from bottom of the ocean-feeling to floating in space-feeling, i.e. very still the last 20-30 minutes or so. Thoughts were there in the beginning, but when the dullness was at its highest after cirka 25 minutes, there was either absence of thoughts or rather sudden dips into dreamlike nonsense thoughts, with the feeling that the ”dream” was going on in the background all the time, but consciousness only dipping into it now and then. Sound and visual field did not draw much attention this time. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: calm, content, hints of joy, even peacefullness.

General feeling: Very comfortable and still, calm, content, at times even peacefull. Very uneventfull, no aversion at all. Clarity not that good though, could have used a bit more energy and stability of energy.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/3/20 3:04 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/3/20 3:04 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
3rd of September 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 + 16 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness
between medium and strong, never turned into dullness as such, but clarity and ”involvement” or alertness could have been better.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for some ten minutes, then switched to Open awareness. Notes reappeared occassionally, just to check.

Level of intimacy: a bit below medium, no aversion, but not a hundred percent engagement either.

Body was very comfortable, soft, self held, bottom of the ocean feeling for some 40 minutes, then slowly morphing into floating in space feeling (even more still) the last half hour or so. Several micro-corrections of posture. No aversion. Thoughts were there maybe half the time, became fewer towards the end. Several times the thought came ”is there any aversion in the system?”, and after a couple of repetitions, ”there must be, since this question arise”, which then led to several minutes of self inquiery: ”who is looking for aversion? Who is asking this question? What is lacking? Who wants to know?” etc. These questions led to a tension at the back of the head, a couple of centimeters below the crown chakra. Sound and visual field did not draw much attention. At one point, though, maybe half way through, I noticed that there were NOT any highpitched notes in my ears, which is quite unsusal. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Dominated by calm, content, comfortable, pleasant. Sometimes also peacefull. No joy, no aversion (that I could detect).

General feeling: Comfortable, content, semi-clarity, quite uneventfull. A bit of impatience, maybe.
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 9/3/20 6:17 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/3/20 6:16 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2326 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
This is just a thought. I had an idea for maybe further breaking down any subtle manipulating/gaming urge within your sits...

During a sit, get relatively settled....

Imagine the old you from a few years ago when things were not great in meditaion practice. Do this for a short while, mabye 5 minutes. What that felt like in the body and mind. Let yourself recall and _lightly_ re-experience and dwell in it for a while. There is no need to make it feel dramatic, but just reconnect, kinda like visiting, as an adult, the school you went to as a child. See if old memories can come up lightly and see if you can re-experience them with lighthearted acceptance. 

(Some stronger stuff might comes up, that's fine, make working with that stuff the focus of the sit if you want.)

But after reminicing a little, then turn back to your current, normal experience of sitting and allow it to go where it wants. When it gets deep again, think a little about how the old you would react to the kind of sits you're having now. They would so thankful and happy and feel so safe to be sitting within the depth you're dwelling within. They would be amazed at what you can access it in just a few minutes, really, of practice. Hopefully that helps you connect with the richness you are dwelling in. Connect to that appreciation and graditude.

Now imagine bringing your old self there with you and you are showing them around the new space, but allow your eyes to be their eyes, your body to be their body, your hearing to be their hearing. Allow the old you to have the experience. Allow the boundary between the old you and the current you to become porous and smoky as they experience through your experiences. 

And if any joy or happiness is experienced, imagine that those emotions get sent out --- like a broadcast antenna --- to all the beings in the universe that would benefit from the meditation, from the pleasures of seclusion and from the curiosity of deep meditation that are found within your sits. Let yourself beam mindfulness, happiness, and curiosity -- or whatever sensations, urges, emotions, and thoughts would seem helpful to all beings.

This might get intense, in which case let it become softer and end by the time you get up. It might also be that nothing intense happens beyond your intentions to radiate good will and mindfulness to all other beings that need it. Just giving intention to it is fine, no fireworks are needed.


I'm thinking that just doing this for one sit might shake off the cobwebs, but I don't know for sure  Might be unnecessary to shake any cobwebs off because practice is already interesting enough. So trust _your_ instinct on this recommendation. 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/4/20 4:39 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/4/20 4:39 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Thank you so much, shargrol, that’s a very interesting and unexpected recommendation.

My immediate reaction when I first read it, was that I – to my surprise – got quite emotional, almost with tears in my eyes, which suggests that you are definitely on to something here. So my instinct says that this is absolutely worth a try (maybe even more than one try, if necessary).

Your words will be my instruction for the next sitting, and we’ll se what happens emoticon.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/4/20 4:33 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/4/20 4:33 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
3rd of September 2020, Second sitting of the day, around midnight, so I was tired already when sitting down. Went straight to bed afterwards, so this log is written the morning after. SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
medium quickly dropping to very low, so low that I didn’t manage to upregulate energy.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting ten minutes or so, then dropped the notes. They reappeared a few times.

Level of intimacy: I am not sure how to asses it, energy was so low that I was more or less gone, so in one way not very intimate, since I almost wasn’t there to be intimate, in another way very intimate since I kind of dissolved into the experience.

Body was very comfortable, still, floating in space-feeling. Thoughts were there in the beginning, then disappeared, and later on some dips into dreamlike nonsense-thoughts. Sound and visuel field did not draw much attention. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Calm, content, comfortable, pleasant.

General feeling: ditto. But also a little dissatisfaction when the bell rang, because just before sitting I had read shargrol’s suggestion, but had decided to wait to try it out until tomorrow because I was too tired now, and so I felt I didn’t learn much new from this sitting, it being just another one of those pleasant low-energy sittings that I have had quite a few of these last weeks and months.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/4/20 6:39 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/4/20 6:39 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
4th of September, First sitting of the day. Following shargrol’s instruction in his latest comment. 60 minutes (sat without a timer, but maybe the mind just knew that an hour had past, since this is the usual length of mit sittings).

Report: Mindfulness was strong and stable. Before the sitting, I had read the instructions several times, and I browsed through my old meditation journal from 2018 to remind myself how things were then, on and off cushion. And the difference was striking. Then I sat down and calmed the mind.

After five minutes or so, thing were calm and comfortable, and so I turned my left hand palm up – I had decided to ritualize it a bit, so the left hand was to represent the old me. I tried to reconnect with that old me. And I did remember a lot of things, including the level of anxiety and frustration I felt back then, my weed smoking habit that I was trying to quit at the time and the shame about it, the monkey mind I often had during meditation, the intense and often painful tensions in the chest that I had in nearly every sit back then. So it was not that I could not remember, but it was a sort of cognitive memory, no emotions, no re-living the old feelings. Body also stayed calm and comfortable except a bit of frowning.

Then I turned my right hand palm up, representing the present me. After less than a minute I was back in the usual state, hadn’t really left it, in fact, or only in my thoughts. Again there were no emotions, no feeling of compassion for the old me (I tried to feel that for a few seconds, but noticed that I was forcing it, that it felt artificial, and so I dropped it). I could clearly see the contrast between then and now, I could also to some extend imagine how surprised and relieved my old me would have felt, had he had a chance to experience the calm and equanimous mind that I so often have theses days. But again: I couldn’t feel it. There were no emotions.

I brought the hands together in front of the chest to symbolically unite the old and the present me. There were some pleasant wavy movements in the hands and chest. And I tried to use them as a basis for some metta, as recommended in the instructions. But it never got beyond pure cognitive intention of goodwill, clarity and equanimity for all beings. I didn’t feel that wish either, just thought it.

All the way through this process, and especially after I had joined the hands, there was disappointment that there were no emotions, a thought that this was suppose to have some impact, but it didn’t. The mind saw that this was the ambitious yogi, the old insecure overachiever afraid of not being good enough, afraid of disappointing shargrol (the mind also saw that I was of course projecting). And then a feeling of being sick and tired of always outsmarting myself, of not being able to just be with things in stead of analyzing and thereby controlling them. This went back and forth for some minutes. Then I decided to drop the attempt at setting up a meeting between the old and the new me and switched to open awareness.

Thoughts of this whole proces reappeared several times, but things got quieter. Body still calm and comfortable.

Feeling afterwards: Disappointed with myself, a bit thrown off. A clear understanding that I have a problem with emotions, with connecting properly to them. But not quite sure how to proceed from here. It would be easy to just return to my usual SamVip 1.2. These sits are usually quite pleasant – unlike this one which felt difficult, challenging, frustrating. Which again tells me that there is something to work on here. Just not quite sure how to do it.

Luckily I have a private retreat coming up in a week or so: If everything falls into place, I will have nine or ten days totally off from work and other obligations (except feeding some animals and my self), and home alone (with the animals), so something might happen there.
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 9/4/20 8:30 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/4/20 8:29 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 871 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent Posts
Hi Niels, 

Just as an fyi, I don't think it's necesarily a bad sign that there isn't intense emotionality. These days dor instance, when I try to practice the immeasurables, I almost never get intense emotions - contrast that with a year or two ago, when I was able within minutes to cry out of compassion or out of gratitude, almost as soon as I started these visualisations. It's definitely not like that now, and I sometimes wonder why, but I really don't think it's a problem, just a phase. Sometimes just saying words and generating intentions is as real and magical as intense emotions - perhaps even more, sometimes. The Dalai Lama says that compassion is not an emotion but a desire to help/relieve. I sometimes wonder if those former intense emotions weren't actually grosser and less subtle that what is going on for me now.

So, it sounds to me like what you did was fruitful, this part especially does not deserve disappointment in my opinion - it seems pretty insightful actually :

All the way through this process, and especially after I had joined the hands, there was disappointment that there were no emotions, a thought that this was suppose to have some impact, but it didn’t. The mind saw that this was the ambitious yogi, the old insecure overachiever afraid of not being good enough, afraid of disappointing shargrol (the mind also saw that I was of course projecting). And then a feeling of being sick and tired of always outsmarting myself, of not being able to just be with things in stead of analyzing and thereby controlling them.

Wasn't this disappointment a kind of resistance that you were being shown clearly ? Feeling this resistance allowed you to understand something about control, didn't it ...?
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 9/4/20 12:04 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/4/20 12:04 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2326 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Two quick comments:

1. Big emotional catharsis is only rarely valuable, so no big deal.
2. Sometimes landslides happen long after it's stopped raining -- so don't judge too soon emoticon

The main thing I want to suggest (and which is hopefully supported by a guided meditation like the one you tried) is that often the drive to SE is motivated by getting away from the past or getting somewhere in the future. If both of those drives are nicely digested and integrated, with the past allowed to be the past and the future allowed to be the future, then it _really_ becomes possible to sit and enjoy sitting for it's own sake. 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/4/20 2:31 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/4/20 2:31 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
4th of September 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 + 10 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness at first strong with some physical agitation, then dropping (after maybe 40 minutes) to somewhere around or below medium, going a bit up and down in that area. I regulated energy a dozen times, not alway entirely successfully.

Technique
: I did (F minus S)-noting ten minutes or so, then dropped the notes. They reappeared when energy dropped.

Level of intimacy: There was a stretch of some 5-7 minutes, around 20 minutes in where I felt quite intimate with experience (so above medium), but then energy dropped, and so did the intimacy, to a low level.

Body was okay, but not quite comfortable this time: 1) There was persistent back pain througout the sit, moving around but mainly in the middle of the back, perceived as ”unpleasant” and met with some aversion. 2) And the first twenty minutes or so, the pressure in the surface of the torso, head and face was more intense than usual and also with more ”violent” movements in it, perceived as neutral, met with ”interest”. Thoughts, emotions and feelingtones etc.: At first the disappointment with myself reappeared, it turned in to skeptical doubt about myself (”I’m a bad meditator”), and both of these were clearly seen and seen through. Then memories of todays first sitting appeared, my life as it was two years ago. Then for about ten minutes a lot of other memories – mind took a chronological tour of the places I’ve lived since childhood and reconnected with earlier versions of me. A lot of difficult emotions, especially loneliness and shame and fear, were seen clearly (but not felt), and there was some compassion with these earlier versions of myself, and some forebearance with the ignorance that has been at work throughout my life, and some relief and gratitude that I am where I am now. Then memories stopped popping up, energy had become low, there were only few thoughts, and the rest of the sit was okay calm, though with a little restlesness and aversion due to the backpain and low energy. Sound and visual field did not draw much attention.

General feeling: Some physical discomfort, more memories than usual, clarity and continuity in mindfulness, acceptance (and some aversion), slight restlesness, but no biggie.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/5/20 5:45 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/5/20 5:44 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
5th of September 2020, First Sitting of the day, Samvip 1.2, 60 + 8 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

This sitting was really unusual, so I will report it in one go. Contrary to my habit, I will go into some personal content here, and if that’s not your cup of tea, and you prefer my emotionally neutral, phenomenological reports, I can boil it down to this: I had a quite violent emotional release in this sitting with a lot sadness coming up and out.

Here are the details:

As I was noting, some ten minutes in I realized I noted a bit more emotions and reactions than usual, mostly sadness and aversion. Memories of the last sitting (the little tour through my life via all the places I’ve lived since childhood) came up. Then a memory of my first retreat, a Goenka retreat in October/November 2017. I remembered how desperate I was, how much (mostly unacknowledged) anxiety I had, how I apologized to the mangager the first morning, full of fear and shame, for having overslept, and how he calmly looked at me and smiled and said, ”It doesn’t matter”, and my relief when he said it.

Attention then suddenly went to my root chakra, firmly and softly placed on the cushion, a pleasant sensation, and then the thought, ”Oh, all the burdens I have carried through my life!” And I really felt it, an immense sadness came up and brought tears to my eyes, lots of memories from throughout my life flashed by quickly, all clearly seen, the sadness clearly felt. I didn’t just observe sadness from a distance, I almost became sadness, but was so to speak mindful of it from within. In other words, I was intimate with the emotion, and that intimacy continued throughout the rest of the sitting.

From this point on I just went along with any intention that came up, and so I followed an intention to collapse the spine totally, bend over and put my forehead to the floor, butt still on the cushion (I do sitting meditation in a kneeling position, so I wasn’t stretching anything too much). Some seconds later, the hands left the thighs and placed themselves on the floor above my head. Only now as I write this, it occurs to me that that is the iconic ”I surrender” gesture: Hands above the head. And then the sadness came back, much stronger, I cried and sobbed for maybe twenty seconds, really felt and clearly saw raw sadness, no thoughts or memories this time, just sad, sad, sad.

Attention jumped to the visual field: In stead of the usual dim, darkly yellowish light softly moving, there was a perfectly monochrome light blue light filling almost the entire visual field. Mind liked that, found comfort in that, dwelled in that for some thirty seconds. It was the same colour as the sky on a cloudless summerday.

I followed an intention to put my palms together above my head, still lying face down, forehead on the floor. As the hands touched each other, there were more tears and sobbing, maybe half a minute or so. The thought came that palms together is the typical prayer gesture. Then the thought of God came up. I have never believed in God, but I felt a need for help and comfort. A longing for liberation. A memory came up of a woman I was in love with some fifteen years ago. I didn’t konw it at the time, but meeting her (we never became more than friends) was a sort of spiritual opening to me. She saw something in me that I had not seen myself, and she introduced me to the poetry of Rumi, which made and still makes a deep impression on me. Then I cried a little more.

Then a new memory came up, a mental image, my childhood image of God: A man with short curly hair and a chequered shirt, resting his hands on the desk he stands behind, legs not visible, only torso, arms and head, a mixture of a pastor and a school teacher. I have had this mental image come up thousands of times since I was maybe four or five years old, but I have never seen the face of ”God”. And so it occurred to me, as I was lying there, forehead on the floor and palms together over the head, that I wanted to see that face: Who can comfort me? So I tried zooming in on the mental image. First came a series of male faces with short curly hair, faces that I already knew, people I have met or seen on the screen (including Jack Kornfield). Then in a split second my mother’s face appeared under the short curly hair, and the slightly disappointed preverbalized thought that ”well, of course, mother is comfort”, but then in the next split second, my mother’s face screamed (no sound) and exploded, eyes popping out of the scull and all, and then the mental image of ”God” disappeared altogether. Then the thought, ”Your mother can't help you, there is no God, you have to help and comfort yourself”. Then came a line from the Björk song ”Crying”: ”There’s no one here”, and that felt like a comfirmation of the thought that I am alone. But then came the next line of the song, much to my surprise: ”And people everywhere”. And then the thought: ”So, God = other people”.

The song continued in my head, no words, just the music, humming. I stayed there for some minutes, things calmed down. I sad up straight again, refound my balance. Body felt a bit heavier, with a very soft and subtle buzzing energy, evenly distributed. Some minutes later the bell rang. I kept sitting to review what had happened in order to be able to carry it with me.
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 9/5/20 6:38 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/5/20 6:32 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2326 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
oh no, now i'm going have that song in my head all day ;)

I get those "longing" songs in my head, especially on retreat... seems like every love long is a Beloved/God/Spirit longing song and vice versa if you listen the right way.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/5/20 2:02 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/5/20 2:02 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
5th of September 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
strong and quite stable. A slight drop in energy the last 10-15 minutes.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for maybe fifteen minutes, then dropped the notes. They reappeared a few times.

Level of intimacy: went a bit up a down. There were some stretches of one or two minutes where it was clearly above medium. Otherwise around medium.

Body was comfortable and quite still, a little pain in the lower back met with acceptance, only few microcorrections of posture, except once when I intentionally collapsed the spine and rested for a couple of minutes. Thoughts were few and clearly seen, none of them had emotional charge, half of them pretty random, the other half practice related, especially SE-related, these last ones were met with curiousity and a little self inquiery, but dropped after maximum ten seconds. Visual field: attention went there several times and dwelled there, even though nothing really happened, just the familiar dim light softly moving with a few more bright sparkles and splashes, but mind examined it all with content and interest. Come to think of it, it might have been due to the experience of the light blue light in the last sitting. Sound: highpitched notes, especially in the left ear. External sounds met with more acceptance than usual. Vibrations: The rotorlike vibration, which hasn’t been around for a long time, showed up three or four times, very subtle, almost imperceptible, stayed for 20-30 seconds and left again. Mind was only vaguely interested. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Dominated by ”calm”, ”content”, at stretches even ”peaceful”, and quite often, especially the first twenty minutes, I noted/noticed ”joy”, not just glimpses but a little more consistent. Also ”curiousity” and ”wonder” came quite often.

General feeling: Comfortable, calm, content, now and then joy, now and then peaceful. All these qualities were met with a little more appreciation, even gratitude, than has been the case these last many weeks, where I have sort of gotten used to all these niceties. There was a feeling of renewal (of energy or perhaps awareness). Oh yes, and faith in practice. Rock solid faith in practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 5:16 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 5:16 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
6th of September 2020, First Sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 + 13 minutes (kept sitting after the bell rang).

Mindfulness
strong and stable. I did some downregulating of energy several times, since the mind was too busy (see below).

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for ten minutes or so, then dropped the notes. They reappeared now and then – and intermingled with thoughts.

Level of intimacy: Some short stretches of less than half a minute, the level was medium or slightly above. But most of the time low.

Body was comfortable and pretty still, soft, liquid, bottom of the ocean-feeling. Thoughts were there all of the time, except the last twenty minutes or so, where they became significantly fewer – that’s why I kept sitting after the bell: Finally some silence arrived! So there was definitely aversion to thoughts. Ninety percent of them were practice-related, SE-related, something along the lines of: ”Everything is calm and comfortable, body is soft, liquid, there are no difficult emotions, everything is fine, why can’t I just enjoy it, soak in it, be intimate in it, why do I keep striving for Stream Entry, why can’t I just relax and let it happen when it happens and just enjoy being HERE, this is such an enjoyable place to be, compared to how I used to feel earlier in life, why am I so ungrateful, I am a hard nut to crack, it’s impossible for me, I’m flawed, I’m never gonna get it, never gonna get it …” etc. And my inner DJ, who has a sense of humour, played this track, specifically the acapella break at 3:09:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIuYQ_4TcXg&ab_channel=EnVogue
 
Visual field: attention went there a couple of times to seek peace and comfort and liked what it saw (the usual dim light softly moving), but got distracted by thoughts. Sound: the usual highpitched notes. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Even though everything was calm, comfortable and peaceful, this sitting was dominated by a subtle but very persistent aversion.

General feeling: Calm and nice and lots of clarity with that tiny pebble in the shoe.

Comment: Towards the end of the sitting I noticed something: This general feeling that I call ”bottom of the ocean”-feeling doesn’t show up unless I look for it. So when I note, I note for instance ”calm, pleasant, clarity, pleasant, liquid” and then the mind sort of scans for a second or two to see if this is ”bottom of the ocean-feeling” or the even more still ”floating in space-feeling”. So those do not show up spontaneously, mind has to find them, and in order to do it, I think awareness kind of expands to check out space outside the body. Not external space as such (external sounds are not an inherent part of the space I am talking about, but can be integrated into it). It is more a sort of mind space. And so the thought came: In the next sitting I will try to dwell on that, meditate on that, make that the object, try to get intimate with the ocean that surrounds the body.
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 11:23 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 11:23 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2326 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Too funny!!!

Just for fun, here's an old sound track (songs that went through my head) of a retreat I did last year. Notice the fourth one down emoticon emoticon 


Soundtrack:
  • All in my mind, Beck “it’s all in my mind”
  • Blood red river, Orton. “why do people want what they can’t have?”
  • Mandicka, O’Conner. “I do know”
  • “Never gonna get it (my lovin)”
  • Stairway to heaven, Led Zepplin. (the bridge)
  • Air, Talking Heads.
  • JFK (airport song), Type O Negative. “If this time was the last time…” “I miss her…”
  • The right decision, Jesus Jones. “no such thing…”
  • China, Tori Amos. “Sometimes I think you want me to touch you, but how can I when you build the great wall around you.”
  • Boys of summer, Henley. “I can see you…”
  • All in my mind, Beck. “I wanted to be, I wanted to be a good friend.”
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 4:17 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 4:17 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 4:18 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/6/20 4:18 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
6th of September 2020, Second Sitting of the day, starting at 22:00 so a late night sitting, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
strong in the beginning, dropping to medium the last 15-20 minutes. I did a little downregulating of energy in the beginning, and some upregulating towards the end.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for 15 minutes or so, then dropped the notes. They reappeared several times later on.

Level of intimacy: At a few stretches medium, otherwise low.

Body was comfortable, soft, liquid, bottom of the ocean-feeling. Towards the end body felt somewhat dissolved in the ”ocean”, body sensations were there, very clearly, but there was (almost) no body, the sensations were just part of space, and body somehow felt transparent (in relation to the visual field, if that makes sense). Thoughts were there maybe half the time, except the last 10-15 minutes, when they were almost gone, and there was a subtle dullness going on. Surprisingly few thoughts (maybe ten percent) were practice related. No aversion to thoughts this time. Visual field and sound: Nothing much happening here. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Dominated by ”calm”, ”clarity”, ”comfortable”, ”pleasant”. Also sometimes ”transparency” (body felt transparent), a few times ”joy”.

General feeling: Just nice and easy, calm, comfortable, uneventful. A little aversion now and then, but no biggie.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 6:34 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 6:34 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
7th of September 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
strong and quite stable. I did a little downregulating of energy a couple of times, since mind was a bit busy.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for ten minutes or so, then switched to Open awareness. Notes reappeared several times.

Level of intimac: Going up and down between low and medium. I am not a very good dancer …

Body was comfortable, soft, bottom of the ocean-feeling, a little backpain, met with acceptance. The last ten minutes or so body got even more still, calmer, a bit dissolved, transparent. Thoughts were there maybe half the time, except the last ten minutes or so where there were very few. Maybe a third of them practice related, the rest just random stuff with no emotional charge. A little aversion to practice-thoughts, but also some lightness and forebearance. Visual field and sound: Nothing much happening, except that for a stretch of maybe ten minutes the internal generated highpitched note in my right ear pulsated slowly (1-2 hz). Vibrations: The rotorlike vibration, or something akin to it, came by a couple of times. Also another difficult to define vibration was there. At one point it was as it my noting voice (or just some inner voice) went dadadadadadadadada at maybe 10 hz for a minute or so. It did not feel as if ”I” was behind that intention, and I tried to stop it, but couldn’t, so it had a will on its own. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Dominated by ”calm”, ”clarity”, ”comfortable”, ”pleasant”. Also sometimes ”transparency” and ”dissolved”.

Genereal feeling: Calm, even peaceful now and then, content, notes of aversion, no biggie.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 8:58 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 8:58 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Going into retreat mode, looking for advice

Starting the coming Friday, I’m doing a ten day private retreat. I will have about one hour of obligations every day (feeding animals etc.), otherwise nothing on the schedule but practice. I plan to log here once a day, but otherwise be offline. The goal of the retreat is to develop as much Insight as possible.

Last time I was on retreat, ten months ago, I ended up in a – luckily only shortlasting – bad spiritual emergency due to my striving mind (see first post in this thread), and I want to avoid repeating that. I feel that I learned a lesson back then, and that I’m somewhat more mature and sensible now, and also I’m in a different terrain (the EQ nana now, the A&P/Dark Night then), so maybe there’s no need to worry, but I feel like being a little cautious, especially since the striving is still there, this time specifically for Stream Entry. I know very well that striving and expectations are counterproductive, but I can’t help myself: My mind spends a fair amount of time wondering if SE will happen on this retreat. So what should I do – both with these expectations and in general?

When I have done private retreats before, I have more or less followed the Goenka retreat-schedule with ten hours of sitting practice per day, and that could be option 1 for this retreat. Option 2 could be a more loose and organic approach, sitting without a timer, maybe 2-3 hours at a time if I feel like it, taking breaks when I feel like it, for as long as I feel like. That could lead to both less and more than ten hours a day. So maybe – I’ll call that Option 2.1 – I should set a maximum of ten hours of sitting practice per day, but otherwise improvise.

Also in this organic approach (2 + 2.1), I could do late night or maybe even all night sittings, instead of starting before dawn and going early to bed. Also I’m considering throwing in some walking meditation. I have very little experience with that, but know the basics. Perhaps that would be a good supplement to the sitting.

Any advice on how I would get the most benefit from this ten day retreat is much appreciated.
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 9:27 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 9:13 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 871 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent Posts
Just my opinion, but it seems to me that forcing a long schedule isn't great, and option 2.1 sounds better to my ear. You're bound to have things deepen anyways, so you might as well follow your own needs and be sensitive to them and reactive to what comes up. With maybe a minimum of sitting everyday, may 6, 8, 10 hours if you're sure you're comfortable with that. Doing longer sits if you feel like it is a good idea. Walking practice is also a good idea because it can really freshen things up. 

But I feel like following your natural curiosity etc., wonder, and ride the energies that actually come up and develop them according to what seems needed in the moment, with a minimum of structure of course - obviously, you're very structured though - is the best plan.

Also, if things seem like too much or you want to back out, or do only 6 instead of 10 days, I think you really shouldn't feel guilty about that !!!! emoticon

I think letting yourself feel free to follow your curiosity, like, if something visual really has your attention, and it seems related to practice, then why not change your plan and meditate on that ? I've had some very good openings doing that, looking at my food for instance, etc.

And don't be greedy if possible, like, you're not gonna miss out. It's gonna deepen anyways ! So don't force yourself to be at the top of your game every moment, I think that's a good way to go too far too fast for diligent practicioners.

Remember you're gonna get many other opportunities for retreats, and you're in this long-term anyways, so might as well enjoy this privileged time without expecting too much or putting pressure on reality emoticon...

Have fun and make the most of it !

May this be a fruitful time for you, may it bring you closer to your deepest desires and needs, may whatever happens during this retreat be for your benefit and that of others around you.

edited for errors
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 11:24 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 11:24 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Thanks so much, Olivier! That's good advice and very encouraging. emoticon
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Brandon Dayton, modified 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 10:05 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 10:05 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 511 Join Date: 9/24/19 Recent Posts
With your Goenka background, I'm guessing you might have read the Hamilton project's blog about going for Stream Entry on a ten day retreat. If not:

http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2010/11/going-for-stream-entry-on-goenka-10-day.html

I like how he frames things. There is a subtle difference between striving for Stream Entry and setting the intention and conditions and letting the process unfold naturally. Its the difference between faith in an outcome and demanding an outcome.

His additional post on resolutions is good too:

http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2010/11/even-if-my-blood-dries-out-my-flesh-my.html

I like this:
For myself, I resolve with all my mental focus to experience something, then I let the resolution go. I do not crave for the result. I let the resolution do it's job. Seems to work for me. Seemed to work for me when I resolved continuously to get stream entry. When I started slacking off, I felt the resolution to keep up the momentum jump up into my mind, and it was enough to "keep up the necessary momentum".

You could make the resolution as ritualistic as possible or just state it before you start practicing, every time you sit. It's up to you and should be something that resonates with you. I just state it to myself out loud before I close my eyes. Then I let go of the resolution. This seems to be key for me. I let go any expectation of results. This is how Mahasi Sayadaw instructed. Just let go of the resolution, let it do it's magic and you continue to practice as you normally do.

You're intent on Stream Entry, just like me, just like lots of us. That's cool, just nudge it into the faith territory and away from the demand territory. To me it feels like opening to the inevitability rather than contracting around the goal. I set the intention every day, then I let it go and just practice.

FWIW, from another guy gunning for Stream Entry. 
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 11:32 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 11:32 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Thanks, Brandon! Yeah, I read the first blogpost a long time ago, just before going on a Goenka retreat emoticon. And I really took to heart the advice of maintaining mindfulness off cusion, best as one can, 24/7 during retreat, and that has worked fine for me. I didn't know the second post about resolutions, but I actually do resolutions at the beginning of each sit, reminding myself why I sit: "To have peace of mind, to live in love, to develop this mind, to wake up when time is due". My faith in practice has become much stronger lately, hopefully that can contribute to a descrease of craving. But it is a kind of paradox: How do you not want something you want? Well, you remind (and remind and remind) yourself of the dukkha in the wanting ...
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 10:24 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 10:24 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2326 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Niels, feel free to send me a private message if you would like to video talk before your self-retreat. (Timezones can make it tricky to find a good time to talk... I'm in the Chicago, USA area.)
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 11:34 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 11:34 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
That's so kind of you, shargrol! I've sent you a PM emoticon
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SushiK, modified 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 9:02 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 9:02 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 161 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
I would also support the 2.1, Goenka has to be more rigid as it's a group setting and they need structure.

You seem to be in a right spot and the retreat might just be the little push you need.

I wish you well friend
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 9/9/20 4:08 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/9/20 4:08 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Niels Lyngsø:
Going into retreat mode, looking for advice

Starting the coming Friday, I’m doing a ten day private retreat. I will have about one hour of obligations every day (feeding animals etc.), otherwise nothing on the schedule but practice. I plan to log here once a day, but otherwise be offline. The goal of the retreat is to develop as much Insight as possible.

Last time I was on retreat, ten months ago, I ended up in a – luckily only shortlasting – bad spiritual emergency due to my striving mind (see first post in this thread), and I want to avoid repeating that. I feel that I learned a lesson back then, and that I’m somewhat more mature and sensible now, and also I’m in a different terrain (the EQ nana now, the A&P/Dark Night then), so maybe there’s no need to worry, but I feel like being a little cautious, especially since the striving is still there, this time specifically for Stream Entry. I know very well that striving and expectations are counterproductive, but I can’t help myself: My mind spends a fair amount of time wondering if SE will happen on this retreat. So what should I do – both with these expectations and in general?

When I have done private retreats before, I have more or less followed the Goenka retreat-schedule with ten hours of sitting practice per day, and that could be option 1 for this retreat. Option 2 could be a more loose and organic approach, sitting without a timer, maybe 2-3 hours at a time if I feel like it, taking breaks when I feel like it, for as long as I feel like. That could lead to both less and more than ten hours a day. So maybe – I’ll call that Option 2.1 – I should set a maximum of ten hours of sitting practice per day, but otherwise improvise.

Also in this organic approach (2 + 2.1), I could do late night or maybe even all night sittings, instead of starting before dawn and going early to bed. Also I’m considering throwing in some walking meditation. I have very little experience with that, but know the basics. Perhaps that would be a good supplement to the sitting.

Any advice on how I would get the most benefit from this ten day retreat is much appreciated.

Hi Niels, Sorry to be so unfashionably late to this great party, but I brought a case of Elephant beer, which should get you through at least the first day or two of your retreat, if you consume it with a minimal discipline.

I think you're probably clear enough at this point on your retreat structure, with all the good strong sane advice you've been given. I'm impressed by your willingness to get back in the saddle after your last retreat experience ten months ago, and I'm sure that experience will keep you as humble and sober and gentle with yourself on pace and intensity as possible. I was very struck by how finite your "spiritual emergency" episode was, and how quickly you came back to consensus reality. As a bipolar meditator, I have had psychotic breaks that ravaged my life for months, but this does not seem to be what happened with you. It seems like you just really got way the hell out there and got disoriented, for a relatively brief period, and the fact that you immediately re-rooted yourself in a strong daily practice, well-integrated with your daily life, is a great sign that whatever that surge of energy and alteration of consciousness was, with ten months of digesting it under your belt, you will be much better prepared to keep your perspective should a similar way the hell out there condition arise. I believe after decades of hard experience that a learning curve is possible in such extreme states, especially if you take the time to work through the whole episode in retrospect and digest the delusions that arose with a strong determination to not succumb to them again. This allows you to make new mistakes with deeper delusions coming up, lol.

Best of luck on your retreat, and I know a lot of us will be watching with interest for your reports.

love, tim
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 12:22 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 12:22 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 1310 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
I can't offer you any advice because I have never been on a ten day retreat. All I can say is I admire your courage and may you practice well with diligence!
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 2:30 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/7/20 2:30 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
7th of September 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
strong and quite stable. Did a little downregulating of energy the first 15-20 minutes. Some 40 minutes in, I felt an intention to open the eyes, and even though I didn’t understand why I would want to do that, I followed it, and that lifted energy just a little notch – I hadn’t noticed it had dropped, so that was a good thing, and from there on the absorption state got deeper.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for ten minutes or so, then switched to Open awareness. Notes reappeared several times.

Level of intimacy: a few stretches of maybe 30 seconds it felt above medium, otherwise between low and medium.

Body was comfortable, soft, bottom of the ocean-feeling; the last twenty minutes or so it became even more still, approaching (but not quite reaching) what I refer to as floating in space-feeling. Thoughts were there maybe half the time the first half hour or so, then they got fewer and fewer. Visual field: Nothing much happening. Sound: at one point the highpitched notes in my ears changed pitch several times, maybe two or three times per second for half a minute at least, almost playing a little melody – mind was very amused by that. Vibrations: There were the subtlest hints of hard to define vibratory phenomena a couple of times. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Dominated by ”calm”, ”clarity”, ”curiousity”, ”pleasant” – and a short but very clear burst of ”gratitude” lasting a minute or so towards the end.

General feeling: Calm, even peaceful towards the end, much clarity, content. Faith in practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/8/20 8:28 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/8/20 4:54 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
8th of September 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 2.1, 60 minutes.

This was, quite unexpectedly, another unusual sitting with lots of sadness and forgiveness coming up, so I’ll report it one go instead of the usual structure:

As I was doing my samatha, about five minutes in, the practice spontaneously switched to metta: A more or less neutral person turned up in my mind as a mental image, and my noting voice said ”may you be well”. In the next breath another person turned up, and the same phrase came. I didn’t plan or initiate this, but chose to follow along, and so a whole string of people, including you guys who commented in my thread yesterday, came up (with your DhO-image, be it photo, comic or none).

This series of maybe 20 or 30 people ended with my father, and when he turned up, sadness arose. He’s 82 and has Alzheimer’s, he was not a very kind dad, and we have had a complicated relationship throughout my life. I wished him well, just like the other people who had turned up, but mind wouldn’t let go of him, so the metta for him developed, and there arose a mixture of sadness and forgiveness, not cognitive intentions, but really felt, to the point that tears came to my eyes. There was no violent crying or sobbing this time, and I remained in upright position, but I felt a lot of sadness, and a lot of forgiveness. I saw my father in a different light than I usually do, remembered some touching details about him that I don’t usually think about, his love for a couple of specific songs that I also love, the beauty and longing in those songs. My inner DJ played them for maybe ten minutes or more, and often I feel aversion to earworms during meditation (they disturb the mighty meditator’s PEACE!), but this time I accepted them completely and let them play as long as they wanted.

Slowly, slowly the sadness faded, but the forgiveness stayed, together with acceptance. A lot of memories, not about my father, but about all sorts of things throughout mylife came up, not at all elaborate stories, just mental images very swiftly flashing by. Then the forgiveness faded, and acceptance stayed, calm came, slowly, slowly, thoughts faded somewhat (but never disappeared entirely), body was still – there had been a little physical discomfort all the way, back pain and restlessness, met with acceptance, and it was now met with even more acceptance and faded a little. There was stillness and an unsusal heaviness in the body. Mind wondered a little if this was bottom of the ocean-feeling or floating in space-feeling, but it was neither. It was somehow closer to earth, to everyday life, so mind came up with sitting on a meadow-feeling as a label. There was content, even notes of joy.

Some minutes before the bell rang, I collapsed the spine and rested. Now, afterwards, I’m quite surprised this happened: I’ve been sitting in the EQ nana for months now with almost no emotional activity, and now for the second time in a couple of days, there was this emotional release. It feels good, though. And there were almost no striving thoughts this time.

PS: Yesterday evening I found a little trick to subdue my striving: Every time I think about SE or otherwise am striving, I direct attention to my breath, noting ”here” on the inbreath, ”now” on the outbreath, reminding my self to try to be present with each moment, ”otherwise you might miss the cessation when it occurs, and you wouldn’t want that, would you?” It’s maybe a bit of a bully trick, but it works! It has already been automatized – I could see that in this sitting. emoticon
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 9/8/20 7:20 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/8/20 7:20 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 871 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent Posts
Sounds good !

Let us know how your call with S goes emoticon
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/9/20 2:29 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/9/20 2:29 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
8th of September 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes, late night sitting, from around 22:00 (logging the day after, since I was tired and went to sleep immediately after).

Off
cushion remark: I had some emotionally disturbing experiences (related to a loved one’s serious problems) during the day, and so I had some frustration and despondency in the system when I sat down.

Mindfulness at first medium, then slowly sliding down to very low, where it stayed the last twenty minutes or so. I tried to upregulate energy when it got low, but didn’t succeed.

Technique: I did (F minus S)-noting for ten minutes or so, then switched to Open awareness. The notes reappeared sporadically, but I should have begun noting consistently when energy got low.

Level of intimacy: There was a stretch of 5-10 minutes when energy was a nice place between medium and low, and mindfulness was continuous and effortless, and thoughts almost gone, and there I felt a maybe medium level of intimacy. Otherwise low.

Body was, to begin with, unusually uncomfortable, backpain and general restlessness, met with aversion. After maybe half an hour, the aversion disappeared, and a general physical (and mental) okayness arose. The last 15 minutes or so body was very still and generally comfortable. Thoughts were there most of the time the first twenty minutes or so, related to the amentioned loved one’s problems (no thoughts about SE or striving). Then they subsided, and the last twenty minutes or so, they were almost gone. Sound and visual field: Nothing much happening here. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Quite a lot of aversion the first 20-25 minutes. Then more calm.

General feeling: Cooling down an overheated system, feeling better (but not totally okay) after the meditation.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/9/20 4:09 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/9/20 4:09 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
9th of September 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
was strong and stable all the way. There was some mental agitation and some physical discomfort, and so I several times downregulated enery, ie. relaxed the system by sighing a bit on the outbreath. It worked.

Technique: I switched several times between (F minus S)-noting and Open awareness.

Level of intimacy: around medium.

Body was mostly comfortable, but with some discomfort (back pain, tightness in upper back and shoulders, tensions and heaviness floating around in the torso), met with some aversion in the beginning, but more and more acceptance as the sit progressed. Thoughts were there frequently, maybe half of them practice related (not striving or SE-fantasizing, but thoughts on the upcoming retreat and the upcoming talk with shargrol later today), the other half related to my current life situation (a loved one in seriuous problems). Sounds and visual field: nothing much happening here. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: There was some aversion to the physical discomfort in the beginning. Then sadness and worry arose (related to current life situation), I really felt those to the point that tears came to my eyes, and so there was a minor emotional release, because after a couple of minutes, acceptance and more calm came.

General feeling: Generally okay calm, but within the calm some aversion and sadness and worry, releasing into acceptance. And faith in practice.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/9/20 2:13 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/9/20 2:13 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
9th of September 2020, Second sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
was very strong and very stable all the way.

Technique: (F minus S)-noting for five-seven minutes, then Open awareness. Notes never returned, but there were some more or less preverbal notes or ”reflection flashes” or meta-observations spontaneously popping up now and then.

Level of intimacy: Between medium and high, the most intimacy I’ve felt in a long time.

Body was comfortable, although some remnants of backpain were there all the way, met with complete acceptance and really not experienced as ”pain”. But the dominant feature of the body this time, was that it was very very still. Already after three or four minutes, a deep absorption kicked in and established itself effortlessly, going from bottom of the ocean-feeling for maybe ten minutes or so to floating in space-feeling for the rest of the sit. It was pleasant, but also very quiet. Thoughts were there now and then, a few of them practice related (not SE-striving, but planning thoughts about the upcomming retreat and memories or reminders from the conversation I had with shargol shortly before the sit), all of them very clearly seen, including some very distant preverbal stuff. Sounds and visual field: Nothing much going on here, the usual dim light and highpitched notes, mind didn’t pay much attention to that. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Some joy the first ten minutes or so, after that no real emotions, but lots of calm, content and a suprising amount of equanimity: An almost complete absence of both craving and aversion, just acceptance and clarity, slightly pleasant neutrality.

General feeling: One of the most still and peacefull sittings I’ve had for a long time.

PS to Olivier and others: I had a very instructive (and pleasant) conversation with shargrol, who gave me tons of hands-on advice for my upcoming retreat. I’ll write a little more about the retreat tomorrow.
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 9/9/20 2:17 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/9/20 2:17 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 871 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent Posts
Nice.
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Pepe ·, modified 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 5:54 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 5:54 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 712 Join Date: 9/26/18 Recent Posts
Niels Lyngsø:
I had a very instructive (and pleasant) conversation with shargrol, who gave me tons of hands-on advice for my upcoming retreat. I’ll write a little more about the retreat tomorrow.
Looking forward to it!
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 4:12 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 4:12 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
10th of September 2020, First sitting of the day, SamVip 1.2, 60 minutes.

Mindfulness
strong and quite stable. Energy dropped a little towards the end.

Technique: (F minus S)-noting alternating with open awareness. Last 15 minutes or so, no notes.

Level of intimacy: around medium, going up towards the end.

Body: Still some backpain, it moved around quite quickly and popped up at different places, not just as tension or hardness, but also as shortlasting intense heat. Also some shortlasting intense intches and pains elsewhere (these phenomena were also there last night as I was falling asleep). It’s been several months, maybe half a year since I experienced stuff like that, so I am a bit puzzled. Thoughts were there now and then, fewer towards the end, all of them clearly seen, most of them related to the upcomming retreat and my current life situation (those two are connected in an intricate way). Sound and visual field: Nothing much here. Emotions, feelingtones etc.: Worries and sadness the first 35-40 minutes, then gradually more calm.

General feeling: A cooling down of an agitated system.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 2:40 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 2:40 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
After my instructive and encouraging talk with shargrol and some reflection, I’ve come up with this program:


10 Day Self-Retreat, September 2020
 
My intention for this retreat is to gain as much Insight as possible, while maintaining a healthy mind and body, for the benefit of all sentient beings.

I have set the following rules for myself:
     - I will observe the five basic precepts and noble silence.
     - I will not read or write – only exception: I have allowed myself one piece of paper for the entire retreat to hand-write mnemonic notes.
     - I will not listen to music, play games or otherwise distract myself.
     - I will stay offline and only check my phone twice a day for urgent text messages (a loved one is travelling in difficult terrain and might get into trouble, so if this person needs it, I will have to break retreat).
     - I will be kind to myself while working diligently to stay mindful of each moment from I open my eyes in the morning of September 11th, until I drift off into sleep in the evening of September 20th.
     - I will stick to my set daily schedule.

Daily schedule 
05:30 – Wake up, shower
06:00 – Sitting meditation
… 06:30 – Breakfast …
07:15 – “Work-as-practice” period (feeding ducks, chicken fish, cats; cleaning, tidying up etc.)
08:15 – Sitting meditation – review previous day and set resolutions for today
09:15 – Walking meditation
10:00 – Sitting meditation
10:45 – Walking meditation
11:30 – Sitting meditation
… 12:00 Lunch …
… 12.45 Noon break (napping, yoga or workout) …
13:45 – Walking meditation
14:15 – Sitting meditation
15:00 – Walking meditation
15:45 – Sitting meditation
16:30 – Walking meditation
… 17:00 – Fruit and tea …
18:15 – Sitting meditation
19:00 – Walking meditation
… 19:30 – Listening to a recorded dharma talk …
20:30 – Walking meditation
21:00 – Sitting meditation
21:45 – Further practice or sleep
 
So, as you can see, I will not be logging during retreat. But I intend to write a little report afterwards.

Thanks to Shargrol for the generous help.

May this retreat produce whatever is most beneficial for me and for all sentient beings!
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 3:00 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 3:00 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 1310 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
Looks like an intensive retreat! May you practice diligently!
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Pepe ·, modified 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 3:32 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 3:32 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 712 Join Date: 9/26/18 Recent Posts
Go Niels Go! All the Brahma Viharas for you!
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Brandon Dayton, modified 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 3:45 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 3:45 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 511 Join Date: 9/24/19 Recent Posts
Can't wait to hear how this goes. Mudita!
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SushiK, modified 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 8:23 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/10/20 8:23 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 161 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Strike first, strike hard, no mercy !

...Well no, actually be gentle with yourself, but you know that already ;-)

Wish you the best for you retreat, see you on the other side emoticon
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/21/20 12:16 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/21/20 12:16 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts

Retreat report
11th to 20th of September 2020


This was my first solo ten day retreat. It was also my fifth ten day retreat, the first four ones being Goenka retreats. So I was on my own, with lots of good advice in the backpack, but no guidance or monitoring en route. It went well – and it was very different from my earlier retreats.

My previous ten day retreats were all different from each other, but they had one thing in common, which was that they were dramatic: Huge mood swings, violent emotions, extremely vivid (and sometimes lucid) dreams, a CGI level visual field with moving photo realistic images, both with closed and open eyes, experiences of meeting dead people (my mother) and nonhuman entities, stretches of ultra strong aversion, stretches ultra strong pride (”I must be almost enlightened by now” etc.), and periods of the worst physical discomfort I’ve felt in my entire life. Well, none of all that happened this time, and the first four or five days, I was a bit surprised (and a tiny bit disappointed) that I did not seem to get into ”retreat mode” – nothing special or unusual happened. There wasn’t this contrast to my everyday life or my everyday meditations, I was just meditating more. Of course, mind got more quiet, and off cushion mindfulness was stronger and more continuous, but these were more quantitative than qualitative changes. There were moments of hope and disappointment, courage and discouragement, joy and worry etc., but these fluctuations were much much smaller than on previous retreats.

I think the main reason for this is that I am at a different part of the path now. On the previous retreats, I passed through A&P and Dark Night territory. This time, I was in the Equanimity nana. I think it also had some significance that I did walking meditation on this retreat, whereas the previous ones all were only sitting meditation. The walking seemed to balance both mind and body.

The walks: Previous to this retreat, I had very little experience with walking meditation, all in all maybe 20 or 30 hours, so I really felt like a newbie here, and lots of times I had doubt as to if I was doing it correctly. So I experimented with it and also tried to have some fun with it, switching between different speeds and different styles of walking (marching firmly, strolling lazily etc.), and between walking, standing, stretching and yoga poses etc. I did a lot of it with closed eyes to keep the focus on the body sensations. It often felt as if learning to meditate from scratch again, using the body rather than the breath as ancor, and when I succeeded in walking for a couple of minutes (medium pace, marching style, open eyes) without losing contact with the ancor object while at the same time being aware of both sights, sounds and thoughts in the perifery, I felt that I sort of ”got it” – but also had the doubt thought: Is it really this simple, or am I missing something? The last three or four days, I did more and more slow and really ultra slow mo walks with closed eyes (I’d cover maybe twenty meters in 45 minutes), and then concentration got stronger, thoughts were very few and clearly seen, and the body was experienced as one moving liquid object – a back of thick water with a chalk rack inside.

The sits: The first three days, the sits were very similar to my everyday sits or even ”worse” as I had some back pain and some dullness so that mindfulness didn’t get as strong as it usually does. But from around day 4, about 90 percent of the sits – or at least the last part of them – were spent in some depth of absorption. By absorption I mean: Fully verbalized thoughts are very few and clearly seen, the body sort of freezes or locks in, and if there is a little physical discomfort left, it is met with acceptance. At first there is a slight pressure on the surface of the body, especially the head and the torso, and some wavy or wobly movements, perceived as pleasant – I call this ”bottom of the ocean-feeling”. When it gets even more quiet and calm, I call it ”floating in space-feeling”: The wavy and wobly movements are (almost) gone, the pressure is only very slight, body feels progressively more dissolved into a field of sensations (pressure, tension, movement etc. perceived as pleasant or neutral), and it takes intentional effort to ”reconstruct” these sensations into body parts. So I spent a lot of time in these absortions, and even though the curve wasn’t perfectly linear, they generally got deeper and deeper every day, and tended to be deepest in the late afternoon and evening sits. In maybe a handfull of them during the last couple of days, I got deeper than I have been before: Body was dissolved into this field or cloud of sensations that has very little ressemblance to the ordinary experience of the body. Visual field was almost entirely dark, only very dim movements and now and then a flicker of an image thought (typically a face or a facial part). The highpitched notes in the ear(s) became loud and got some beautiful overtones. Verbalized and preverbalized thought was almost entirely gone – so when I decided to note for half a minute or so to check out the surroundings, the noting voice felt extremely loud, as if somebody suddenly shouted in a large and silent cathedral. Things were just neutral, peaceful, nothing happening (and no desire that anything should happen). And then, towards the end of the sit, some light appeared in the visual field, greyish white, usually amorphous, but sometimes more centered. With the light came a very quiet, non-extatic feeling of bliss. I discovered that the light was related to the breath: If I took a stronger inbreath (breath was, as you can guess, very quiet at this point), the mist of light lit up with the breath. And in the very last sitting, there even appeared a tiny disk ”behind” or ”in” the centered mist of light, sort of seeing the sun through a thin layer of clouds. So that was a very nice way to end the retreat.

I did not have a cessation experience, and to be honest, I do feel a little disappointed. But not that much. I would say that right now, I feel ten percent disappointed that SE didn’t happen, and ninety percent satisfied with the fact that I had a very steady retreat, my first somewhat mature retreat experience, I guess.

Considerations: I still enjoy sitting more than walking, and also it seems more ”productive” to me (i.e. producing more insight) – although I’m not sure, maybe I am just not skilled enough at walking meditation yet, and perhaps I should develop that skill further? Maybe I was fooling around too much with the walking practice and should have taken a more systematic approach? I stuck to the program, but I had thoughts along the way that I should do more sitting, so maybe next time I do a ten day, I will do more sitting and less walking – maybe a 75/25 ratio or so.

I feel good and very balanced right now, actually surprisingly balanced considering some serious uncertainties in my private life. Let’s see what happens when reality kicks back in. emoticon Under any circumstances, I will now return to my usual daily practice – and keep up my logging here. Thanks for reading along.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 9/21/20 12:31 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/21/20 12:31 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Niels Lyngsø:

Retreat report
11th to 20th of September 2020


This was my first solo ten day retreat. It was also my fifth ten day retreat, the first four ones being Goenka retreats. So I was on my own, with lots of good advice in the backpack, but no guidance or monitoring en route. It went well – and it was very different from my earlier retreats.

My previous ten day retreats were all different from each other, but they had one thing in common, which was that they were dramatic: Huge mood swings, violent emotions, extremely vivid (and sometimes lucid) dreams, a CGI level visual field with moving photo realistic images, both with closed and open eyes, experiences of meeting dead people (my mother) and nonhuman entities, stretches of ultra strong aversion, stretches ultra strong pride (”I must be almost enlightened by now” etc.), and periods of the worst physical discomfort I’ve felt in my entire life. Well, none of all that happened this time, and the first four or five days, I was a bit surprised (and a tiny bit disappointed) that I did not seem to get into ”retreat mode” – nothing special or unusual happened. There wasn’t this contrast to my everyday life or my everyday meditations, I was just meditating more. Of course, mind got more quiet, and off cushion mindfulness was stronger and more continuous, but these were more quantitative than qualitative changes. There were moments of hope and disappointment, courage and discouragement, joy and worry etc., but these fluctuations were much much smaller than on previous retreats.

I think the main reason for this is that I am at a different part of the path now. On the previous retreats, I passed through A&P and Dark Night territory. This time, I was in the Equanimity nana. I think it also had some significance that I did walking meditation on this retreat, whereas the previous ones all were only sitting meditation. The walking seemed to balance both mind and body.

The walks: Previous to this retreat, I had very little experience with walking meditation, all in all maybe 20 or 30 hours, so I really felt like a newbie here, and lots of times I had doubt as to if I was doing it correctly. So I experimented with it and also tried to have some fun with it, switching between different speeds and different styles of walking (marching firmly, strolling lazily etc.), and between walking, standing, stretching and yoga poses etc. I did a lot of it with closed eyes to keep the focus on the body sensations. It often felt as if learning to meditate from scratch again, using the body rather than the breath as ancor, and when I succeeded in walking for a couple of minutes (medium pace, marching style, open eyes) without losing contact with the ancor object while at the same time being aware of both sights, sounds and thoughts in the perifery, I felt that I sort of ”got it” – but also had the doubt thought: Is it really this simple, or am I missing something? The last three or four days, I did more and more slow and really ultra slow mo walks with closed eyes (I’d cover maybe twenty meters in 45 minutes), and then concentration got stronger, thoughts were very few and clearly seen, and the body was experienced as one moving liquid object – a back of thick water with a chalk rack inside.

The sits: The first three days, the sits were very similar to my everyday sits or even ”worse” as I had some back pain and some dullness so that mindfulness didn’t get as strong as it usually does. But from around day 4, about 90 percent of the sits – or at least the last part of them – were spent in some depth of absorption. By absorption I mean: Fully verbalized thoughts are very few and clearly seen, the body sort of freezes or locks in, and if there is a little physical discomfort left, it is met with acceptance. At first there is a slight pressure on the surface of the body, especially the head and the torso, and some wavy or wobly movements, perceived as pleasant – I call this ”bottom of the ocean-feeling”. When it gets even more quiet and calm, I call it ”floating in space-feeling”: The wavy and wobly movements are (almost) gone, the pressure is only very slight, body feels progressively more dissolved into a field of sensations (pressure, tension, movement etc. perceived as pleasant or neutral), and it takes intentional effort to ”reconstruct” these sensations into body parts. So I spent a lot of time in these absortions, and even though the curve wasn’t perfectly linear, they generally got deeper and deeper every day, and tended to be deepest in the late afternoon and evening sits. In maybe a handfull of them during the last couple of days, I got deeper than I have been before: Body was dissolved into this field or cloud of sensations that has very little ressemblance to the ordinary experience of the body. Visual field was almost entirely dark, only very dim movements and now and then a flicker of an image thought (typically a face or a facial part). The highpitched notes in the ear(s) became loud and got some beautiful overtones. Verbalized and preverbalized thought was almost entirely gone – so when I decided to note for half a minute or so to check out the surroundings, the noting voice felt extremely loud, as if somebody suddenly shouted in a large and silent cathedral. Things were just neutral, peaceful, nothing happening (and no desire that anything should happen). And then, towards the end of the sit, some light appeared in the visual field, greyish white, usually amorphous, but sometimes more centered. With the light came a very quiet, non-extatic feeling of bliss. I discovered that the light was related to the breath: If I took a stronger inbreath (breath was, as you can guess, very quiet at this point), the mist of light lit up with the breath. And in the very last sitting, there even appeared a tiny disk ”behind” or ”in” the centered mist of light, sort of seeing the sun through a thin layer of clouds. So that was a very nice way to end the retreat.

I did not have a cessation experience, and to be honest, I do feel a little disappointed. But not that much. I would say that right now, I feel ten percent disappointed that SE didn’t happen, and ninety percent satisfied with the fact that I had a very steady retreat, my first somewhat mature retreat experience, I guess.

Considerations: I still enjoy sitting more than walking, and also it seems more ”productive” to me (i.e. producing more insight) – although I’m not sure, maybe I am just not skilled enough at walking meditation yet, and perhaps I should develop that skill further? Maybe I was fooling around too much with the walking practice and should have taken a more systematic approach? I stuck to the program, but I had thoughts along the way that I should do more sitting, so maybe next time I do a ten day, I will do more sitting and less walking – maybe a 75/25 ratio or so.

I feel good and very balanced right now, actually surprisingly balanced considering some serious uncertainties in my private life. Let’s see what happens when reality kicks back in. emoticon Under any circumstances, I will now return to my usual daily practice – and keep up my logging here. Thanks for reading along.

The Tent 

by Rumi

Outside, the freezing desert night,

This other night inside grows warm, kindling.
Let the landscape be covered with thorny crust.
We have a soft garden in here.

The continents blasted,
cities and little towns, everything
become a scorched, blackened ball.

The news we hear is full of grief for that future,

but the real news inside here
is there's no news at all.

Friend, our closeness is this:

anywhere you put your foot, feel me
in the firmness under you.

How is it with this love,

I see your world and not you?

Listen to presences inside poems,

Let them take you where they will.

Follow those private hints,

and never leave the premises.

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SushiK, modified 3 Years ago at 9/21/20 1:15 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/21/20 1:15 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 161 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Happy everything went well and to see this report.
Avoiding a dramatic retreat is already a win considering your past experiences.

You seem to have made progress, even if not enough for your taste.

Welcome back emoticon
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Pepe ·, modified 3 Years ago at 9/21/20 8:46 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/21/20 8:46 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 712 Join Date: 9/26/18 Recent Posts
Hi Niels! SE will happen sooner or later, as many have stated, so don't worry. Your practice is sound and consistent. Many (most?) meditators report SE off-retreat. So your retreat will boost your daily practice. It's good you have been deepening in the concentration area. I'm learning the rough way (the only way?) that jhanas are needed for developing both acceptance and concentration.  
shargrol, modified 3 Years ago at 9/22/20 6:10 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/22/20 5:52 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 2326 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
I just wanted to comment on your retreat debrief and to give some ideas about further fine tuning. I think it might be helpful to you and maybe relevant to others in the vast EQ fractal.


I did not have a cessation experience, and to be honest, I do feel a little disappointed. But not that much. I would say that right now, I feel ten percent disappointed that SE didn’t happen, and ninety percent satisfied with the fact that I had a very steady retreat, my first somewhat mature retreat experience, I guess.

I think this is indeed the right way to think about it. One of the worst things that can happen in any training pursuit, not just meditation, is an easy beginning. These are the artists that win their first art show, musicians who's first recording goes big, people who are naturally strong and lift heavy weights right off the bat --- these are the people that need to overcome their attachment to winning, popularity, or relying on natural ability --- they need to learn what it means to simply do their art/music/training. Similarly, the people that "tip" into SE early and easily are often naive and overwhelmed by difficulties later in the path and it's a real disaster. 

Fundamentally, the thing that we want and need -- whether we realize it or not -- is a foundation of basic sanity that supports our entire life. Meditation helps create this if viewed correctly, but if viewed incorrectly can create more clinging, avoiding, and spiritual bypassing.

It's also very difficult, I believe, to reach stream entry in a retreat that is "focused" on it. The retreats that seem to be successful are the ones that are the traditional 100 day retreats. Those seem to work because they are soooooo long that the meditator has to give up at some point. Give up trying hard, give up "improving", give up manipulating or gaming... but they still have lots of time to just sit.

Ironically, more and more people seem to be reaching SE during home sitting. This usually happens after a crisis of confidence: "I'm not able to be on a long retreat, my absorption isn't going to be as strong on retreat, there is no way I can get into the same deep states as retreat, so my meditation practice is worthless.... but I feel it's good for me anyway, so I guess I'll still sit."

Then the performance pressure is off and the mind is free to really see things without gamining, bias, urgency... and this innocent clarity of mind is radically different in an essential way. "This is actually my mind, my life, this experience, what _is_ it really..." Then the focus is on the essential thing: what clinging and aversion and ill will still remains within our experience, what causes it, what can be changed.

(And usually "changing" clinging, aversion, or ill will means: "I will neither indulge nor try to force bad reactivity to go away, instead I will allow it to rest in my awareness and learn from it... until it's power fizzles out on it's own.")

Considerations: I still enjoy sitting more than walking, and also it seems more ”productive” to me (i.e. producing more insight) – although I’m not sure, maybe I am just not skilled enough at walking meditation yet, and perhaps I should develop that skill further? Maybe I was fooling around too much with the walking practice and should have taken a more systematic approach? I stuck to the program, but I had thoughts along the way that I should do more sitting, so maybe next time I do a ten day, I will do more sitting and less walking – maybe a 75/25 ratio or so.

I feel good and very balanced right now, actually surprisingly balanced considering some serious uncertainties in my private life. Let’s see what happens when reality kicks back in. emoticon Under any circumstances, I will now return to my usual daily practice – and keep up my logging here. Thanks for reading along.

This is a good analysis, but I want to offer some additional ideas. Ultimately, you have to decide what works for you -- everyone is different.

My hunch is your walking meditation experiments were a little too manipulated. I definitely get the "oh no, I've been on retreat for four days straight and nothing much has happened --- I got find some way to get this going!". But I actually have a hunch that within that worry/anxiety is a psychological knot that if you untangled would be very very interesting. It might be worth mentally going through the exercise of thinking "what if I didn't change things up, how would the retreat have been?" What would I have experienced, what would I have emotionally encountered, what would my thoughts have been? 

Many times we can have urges/motivations/compulsions that are unconscious and drive our strategies that need to be investigated. 

Walking meditation is very simple: you let the body walk itself while being present with the experience.  If your mind/body rebels against this, then that can be investigated. "okay, let's look at this resistance or aversion. Why am I having a problem with this experience of walking?"

Your sits sound good, but it's obvious that you are inferring that absorption is in itself the answer to "good" meditation. That's both true and not true, but it takes a while to see it. All dark night yogis need to recover their sense of strength, personal power, and bodily well being. Jhanas are one of the best ways we instinctually learn that our body and minds are not broken machines, but rather are wonderfully "good"  in their pure essence. The mind is fundamentally amazing --- even though it's given us huge problems in the past. Like I said, this takes a while to feel in our bones and sitting in absorption seems to really help.

But not being in absorption is also important, because then we can really investigate: where is there still clinging, aversion, or ill will in my mind? Is clinging, aversion, and ill will helpful? If it isn't helpful, what causes it?  (Usually, we have some kind of false belief that makes us continue a bad mood or habit or thought because we think it gives us something good. To see this, it usually takes really sitting and being with the experience of clinging, aversion, and ill will - really feeling it in the body, really seeing it in the mind -- until we see why we keep these bad moods or habits or thoughts. Eventually we see our mistake.) So aborption is useful for conditioning the mind, but there still needs to be investigation of dukka. (Hint: this investigation often happens during walking practice. My hunch is 50/50 sitting/walking probably would be good for you. emoticon )

The next stage --- and one that EQ/Jhana meditators often forget --- is recognizing the fundamental "goodness"and pervasiveness in awareness itself, regardless of the experience. Awareness itself is aware of lying in bed, putting on clothes, sitting the first morning sit, eating breakfast, walking the first morning walk, doing the second morning sit, doing the yogi jobs.... etc. etc.  What is this AWARENSS that is present when I take a shower? What is this awareness when I take a shit?

It seems like "I" am awareness, not any specific experience, but what IS awareness?

So EQ yogis: the point is not more aborption or more clarity. The point is investigating clinging, aversion, or ill will in all your mindstates. Jhana helps make the mind very subtle, so that very subtle dukka can be uncovered. But shitty life stuff makes the mind very reactive, so that powerful dukka can be uncovered.

So really, the mindstate isn't as important as the investigation of "where in my experience is there still resistance to what already is?" "Where is there clinging, aversion, or ill will?" No special mindstate is needed. 

And the interesting thing is "getting rid or letting go" of clinging, aversion, and ill will is really "letting it be". And letting it be  is non-manipulation. And non-manipulation allows seeing things as they are. And seeing things as they are is the Conformity nana. And Conformity leads to...   emoticonemoticonemoticon
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Brandon Dayton, modified 3 Years ago at 10/1/20 4:30 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 10/1/20 4:30 PM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 511 Join Date: 9/24/19 Recent Posts
Just reading the report now. Thanks for sharing.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 3 Years ago at 9/22/20 2:32 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 9/22/20 2:32 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 413 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Thank you all for your kind responses to my report. The poem was a nice perspective to be reminded of, Tim – I am a Rumi fan, but had forgotten this one. emoticon
 
I find it is time to start a new thread, so if you want to continue following my logging, you can do it here.
Tommaso Tommasi, modified 3 Years ago at 10/16/20 7:26 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 10/16/20 7:26 AM

RE: Niels's practice log

Posts: 12 Join Date: 5/29/20 Recent Posts
I enjoy this practice log very much, you're great at articulating your experiences into clear written accounts. I'm just posting here to subscribe; I don't really understand this forum system that the Dharma Overground uses and couldn't figure out how to subscribe without posting :-)

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