Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Brandon Whited, modified 8 Months ago.

Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
If you've read my other thread, I intend to become an arahat in this lifetime. With the suggestions of other members, I'm committed to mastering vipassana and the first step to that end is to do noting meditation for 45 minutes daily. (Ideally twice per day).
Here's how today 9/7 went.

Session 1: 42 minutes

Earlier in the day I meditated for 42 minutes, attempting to note constantly while doing so.
When I'm meditating, for some reason I'm usually yawning a lot(and when I'm done I can fall asleep easily despite my usual insomnia). Also sweat tends to drip down from my armpits even though it isn't hot in the room.

As for the quality of the meditation…

I’d say I got distracted 5-10 times. Thoughts about work bubbling up but after a few seconds I not them and get back to noting.
I’m not sure if I’m doing the noting correctly. Especially for sounds or any sensation that is constant. For example, there’s an air conditioning unit buzzing outside my windows. I’ve abbreviated Sound to “S”. 

Do I keep saying S, S, S , constantly while adding other sounds/sensations? S S F(feeling), F F Z(sight)

So what it sounds like in my head and/outloud is rapid fire SSSFFF, without being mechanical or robotic in it.
AS for what I felt…. I started seeing moving colors(I had my eyes closed) in my vision. I noted the pleasure they gave me and noted it as sight. 
Also every now and then I felt waves of energy throughout my body. Not sure what that is.

Around the halfway mark I get antsy for the meditation to end but I note the desire, the frustration,the anticipation, the yearning for achievement, for fucking something to happen. This comes back a few times, I repeat the noting.

Session #2: 27 minutes
Scatter brained, tired, annoyed. I could barely focus on the breath let alone note. I'll do the second session earlier in the day instead of at night. 

Also, for some reason I tear up whenever I'm meditating...

agnostic, modified 8 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 1643 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
That's good, it sounds like your noting the right kinds of things, especially the desire and frustration. Can you note any associated physical sensations when those arise? Likewise the pleasure, if you like you can focus on the associated physical sensations and dwell with those a little longer. Don't be afraid to enjoy it! Waves of energy and emotional release are very normal.
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Chris Marti, modified 8 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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Do I keep saying S, S, S , constantly while adding other sounds/sensations?

This could be your first insight - is the air conditioner sound continuous? If your attention is brought to that sound, how long does the sound stay there? If your attention is drawn away from that sound, what is causing that to happen?
Brandon Whited, modified 8 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
9/8 Session 1: 42 minutes

Mindfulness

I didn’t do a shit-ton of outloud/mind noting this time. I was too busy analyzing the sound of the aircondition and I played around with “bare awareness” as I was doing this. I was able to focus well enough to discover a few things. See positives below. 
 
Attention
Pretty good this session. Whenever I drifted into some visual thought, I noted it and got back on track. This happened maybe ten times? Very briefly. I also noted my happiness about having focus....
 
Positives
I was analyzing the air conditioning and I discovered a few things. First, the sound is composed of 3-5 different sounds. Second… when I’m focusing on 1… the other 4 kinda… blink out of existence and the one I’m listening to is like a Wave, here, gone,here, gone. And when I’m listening to them all, I can’t tell which ones arise/fade first, they all blend...
 
Hindrances
Main hindrance was restlessness at the end. I wanted to get up, kept noting it. I think the restlessness arises with bodily pain/discomfort from sitting… Ya that’s it...
Brandon Whited, modified 8 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
Session 9/9: 45 minutes

Even though I had the day off I did this session at 11:15 at night.

I was a little tired so I focused on my breath for a lot of it. Labeling any distractions or mind gunk that came up.
I felt more energy waves, perhaps this is piti? More tears. 

It got rough at the end as my sore body really bothered it. Labeled it the best I could though I couldn't help checking the time once.

I've been reading Sam Gentile's threads and I'm going through Shinzen young's SeeHearFeel book to get the proper labels.
And I read I should note confusion when I'm not sure what to label something, very cool! And that the alteration of something.. like being aware of a audio thought and it immediately disappears... should be noted!

I will awaken in this lifetime!
Brandon Whited, modified 8 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
9/11: 47 Minute Session

I was procrastinating on this hardcore, huge aversion to just fucking starting.

Finally started and It was smooth at first. I was noting the air conditioning consistently. As usual, I started tearing up a lot, yawning a fuck ton. Again and again and again.

But eventually I state dfeeling soreness, pains in my body, and I got really angry and pissed. Grimacing, clenching my fist and jaw. (I was noting all of this by the way.)

Eventually that subsided and I felt calm, relaxed even. But I wa still pretty restless throughout the entire sitting, really craving looknig at my phone(I did once). Anticipating when it would end, craving it to end.

And when the timer went off I was tired, I stretched really hard then took a nap.

Can anyone answer me this... Why does meditation make me tired and/or prevent insomnia entirely?

I usually don't fall asleep within 10 minutes yet if I meditate before bed I knock out or if I do it during the day I'll take a nap I normally wouldn't.

I missed yesterdays, will continue to be consistent.

I will awaken in this lifetime.
Brandon Whited, modified 8 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
9/12: 45 Minute Sit

My first attempt I immediately gotta bored/restless. Stopped, then started reading the compiliaton of Shargols posts. They put my mind right then I began my sit.

I started off by trying to focus on my breath. Immediatyely sloth, boredom hit and mind distractions hit. Which is why I think I yawn and year up so much. Boredom/distracting vision in my head... =big fat yawn.

I keep noting this until the yawning/tearing subsides and begin noting sounds exclusively. Sounds:There's a lawnmower, some other work and my girlfriend playing music in the bathroom so plenty to note. This goes well for a while. Bodily Sensations: Soreness on my ass, tightness in my shoulders became a foreground object later in the meditation. I started to sweat, intense itchiness at my nose. I kept noting. At some point I felt the urge to do a shoulder stretch. A table was behind me, I put my arms up and stretched/noted in that position. Noting the stretching, the tension(though just saying FEEL, I'll change that next time). Then the urge to sit regular occured, I did and a lot of the aches were gone. I could sit up straight without pain.(I've had shoulder surgeries is why)

Seeings: A little bit into the notingm I saw purple, blue waves extending from the bottomg right to top left of my field. I think I got too focusedo n them, I noted my pleasure in it but  it went away. Happened a second time and the same thing happened. 

Overall: There was a lot less "get me out of here" feelings and restlessness in this sit. I felt tranquil at times which is a first. I guess I was paying more attention to positive emotions this time. 
Martin, modified 8 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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Sounds like you are doing well. I spent a very long time with impatience coming up in every sit. I started to experience it in way similar to a familiar landmark that you see every time you go on a walk, not surprising, not something to be upset by, but just part of the scenery. That helped. Another approach would be to investigate it. Does, for example, the urge to look at the phone have subelements and waves, like the air conditioner? 
Brandon Whited, modified 8 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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Thanks Martin. I'm getting better at investigating/ paying attention to all sensations/emotions. It's impressive how in being so focused on.. achievement I was ignoring so much.

Also to quote shargol 
"Not enough investigation and it becomes indulgent daydreaming.
Not enough acceptance and it becomes aversive manipulation.
Not enough honesty and it becomes fantasy/spiritual bypassing."

9/13 Session: 45 Minutes

I definitely erred on.. accepting/chilling too much and investigating/focusing too little.

Much less yawning/tearing at the beginning. Which appears to happen when I'm bored/daydreaming. Almost like clockwork.

Hearing: I was noting the air conditionor inward, vocalizing when I got too distracted which was happening often because of...

Visual: A lot of different images in my head. For a while now I've imagined myself as president. This fantasy comes back again and again. It was appearing a fair amount during this meditation. A second or two would pass before I recentered my focus on sensations.

Feeling:
My body felt pretty good, I noted the heat from my hands on my legs. The heat wave that appeared in my body. The tension in my shoulders. I tried looking for the "emotional" feelings... Not sure I found them yet. Except for the yawning/daydreaming/tearing reaction.

This session went by faster than all the past ones or so it felt. May have been the daydreaming or the acceptance that... I'm not the one achieving or I can't achieve or some shit like that. 
--But I know I need to dive into.. as shargol says "the nonverbal, the urges, sensations and emotions"... I think I've avoided these all my life. 
Brandon Whited, modified 8 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
9/15 Session: 50 minutes


Started out calm, tranquil, I was enjoying it. I tried to use shargols structured meditation. Got to watching emotions when things started getting fucky.

Lots of yawning/tearing up as usual. As well as body aches except this time I was really fucking restless. My shoulders we're hurting/sore. My butt, even though I put a new pillow under it was getting achy. My stomach, I wanted to move my feet.

When the halfway bell went off I felt relief, happiness. And then the cycle of aches, pains and desire for movement, for sleep for the end of the meditation came back. I was unable to sit like a rock this time.

One thing that kept popping up is visual, movie-like thoughts popping up of mistakes I've made in the past. Specifcially, today, I was playing a video game, screwed up a few times. My mind plays back scenrios where I did things differently. AGain and again and again. I've  done the same for conversation/ screw ups in real life. Again and again. I noted these as they appeared. 
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SushiK, modified 8 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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If you noted all of that while it was happening then you had more or less a perfect sit :-)

Wish you the best Brandon
Brandon Whited, modified 8 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
9/15/2020 Session: 45 Minutes


Really late one yet I feel I've made progress. 

I began with shargols structured noting. First, count of 12 breaths. Second, another count of 12 breaths while noting one thing at the end of each breath. Then I started noting urges and emotins... Something I don't pay attention t that often. And there was a lot of them! Then I ddi sensations... Then I did thoughts.

Lots of discomfort, my body ached. So many fucking itches. How the fuck is there so much itchingg? I played video games allday, no itching. When I sit down, itching. I noted the itch, the displeasure of it. I noted my urges to scratch, to get up, to stretch. To lay down and sleep. Again and again.

Then something interesting happened. The wavs of energy I've had in the past grew stronger. My aches and pains went away. I felt so fucking good. What may have been a part ofit was some metta I threw in there. Wishing the bset for my GF, reaffirming that this practice is for me as well as for her. I could of kept medititing foreever at that point.. Yet I began yearning for more waves, I noted it. No more happend in the sitting. And eventually the discomfrot, the body aches crept back in. I noted, the kinda lesseend and the session was over. 
Brandon Whited, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
9/16/2020 Session: 47 minutes

Quick log for this one before I do todays. 

I need to make my sitting place as comfortable as possible that way when soresness/pain comes up. I'll know it's not because I didn't prepare correctly. 

Follow structured noting better, more aversion,  irritation, discomfort in my body. Had slight waves of energy in my head but once again I think I made them go away by grasping at them too much.

Also, realyl weird thing happened. I heard jibberish coming from my left. Even though all that was there was a wall. Very intersting... Never heard other apartments from that directions either..
Brandon Whited, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
9/18/2020 Session: 50 minutes

I did it, too tired to post details now... Oh I did it in the morning. So that's good instead of at 2 in the morning like right now.
Brandon Whited, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
9/19/2020 Meditation: 50 minutes

A clusterfuck. Diostractions, could barely do it. I procrastinated on doing it until like 9 pm at night. 

Everytime Iget distracted I yawn/tear up. Perhaps I'll judge the session by how many yawns happen haha.

It's hard. Really hard. But I know it's right.

Did some walking meditation earlier too.
Brandon Whited, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
9/20/2020 Meditation: 15 minute walking meditation

Maybe I'm addicted to video games? Counting all the hours ive put into all the games I;ve played since I was 16...

It may be more than 5,000 hours... I'm 27 now. And it's clearly interfering with my quest for enlightenment. Jesus fuck. My eyes are bloodshot right now and I didn't do my full meditation session today.

I've changed the passwords to something random on all my games/gaming services. I won't touch them for at least a fucking year. 

I did do stretches and read 100 pages of Jack Kornfields a path of heart. But that's not enough. Not enough. Not enough. 
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SushiK, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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Easy friend, it's going to be fine emoticon

Those things take time.
Light the candle without burning the whole candle stick.
Brandon Whited, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
9/21/2020 Session: 50 Minutes at 4 PM.

Thanks SushiK.

Tried different sitting positions, including lying down which does not work. The time flew by but I can't see I was being very diligent. Very trancelike with struggled noting in between.

This is a huge challenge.
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SushiK, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 116 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Tried different sitting positions, including lying down which does not work
I personally sit crossed legged on my sofa with a pillow supporting my back.

The time flew by but I can't see I was being very diligent. Very trancelike with struggled noting in between.
Maybe try to find a slower tempo, start with 1 note per breath cycle. I usually enter trance when I try to note too fast while the concentration and mindfulness isn't up to it yet.

Brandon Whited, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
9/23/2020 Meditation: 40 Minutes @ 4 PM

I tried doing fifty minutes but couldn't get myself to do it. Restlessness, apathy, anger. So much shit.

I lowered it to 40 minutes and started and I didn't even want to do that.

Impatience, wondering when the session will end. Wondering if it is even working. I was ready to end it at 20 minutes.

But those feelings passed and I felt more relaxed. A little content. I was trying to note consistently hear, see and feel throughout the session.

I was reclining in a chair this time, very comfortable but not like laying down where promotes daydreaming. 

Restlessness came back when I was nearing the end, wishing for it to end...I ended the session in a daydream...
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Siavash, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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Any walking meditation, or slow walking, or sky gazing, or mountain gazing (soft gaze, not moving head much) in your practice?

Those have been very helpful for me when having intense restlessness.

I think it would be good for that video game thing too.
Brandon Whited, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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@ Siavash, Ya I've been experimenting with walking meditation

9/26/2020 Walking meditation: 30 minutes

I focused/tried to find as many sensations as I could from walking. So many. Some distracting thoughts, memories, fears of someone jacking my bike. Some other distractions as I was walking around the track. 

shargrol, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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No need "focus on as many sensations as you can" during walking meditation. That's too much effort. When you move from sitting to walking, the increase in sensations and activity makes it necessary to have a different attitude.

When you walk, you are training yourself to be intimate with the flow of sensations, letting them come and go as quickly as they happen. If you try to "hold" any of the sensations, then you can never keep up and you'll become overwhelmed. So walking meditation is a very simple exercise of learning to both pay attention, but also learning to drop the clinging to any given sensation, urge, emotion, or thought. 

It's perfecly fine to have many sensations come and go. It's perfectly fine to have thoughts and memories and fears come and go. 

Again, what you are training is awareness of what naturally occurs... and the allowing of things to come and go.

It's a very good addition to sitting practice.
Brandon Whited, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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EDIT: Don't know what happened with this post...
Sam Gentile, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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Are you still practicing? Its been a while since your last log. I just came back after stopping for about a week and a half
Brandon Whited, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
Sam Gentile:
Are you still practicing? Its been a while since your last log. I just came back after stopping for about a week and a half


Ya, I meant to say in the post above that...

I'm building the practice, everyday I do one session in the morning... should do one in the evening...

I've got a big calendar that I mark every time I do it.

I guess I'm doing samantha/concentration practice. Focusing on the point between my nostrils. Slowly building...

May do a short online retreat soon. We'll see.

Cheers Sam
Sam Gentile, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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But you're not noting/logging the sessions here?
Brandon Whited, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
EDIT: I don't know why this keeps happenign...

I wrote a bunch of stuff out and it put up an old post of mine...

To answer your question Sam. I figured it was a waste of my time and yours to log.

I'm so new, just sitting down, not procrastinating is my main foucs. I've attained no absorptions, nothing of note. There's nothing to diagnose..

What's the point of logging then?

Perhaps I'm wrong?

Today I sat for 40 minutes and did a Samantha meditation.
Lots of distracitons as I tried to focus on the blackness that is my closed eyes. Movies playing, an earworm, yadda yadda. There was a moment or two or three where it all fell away and everything felt so silent. So calm. Abiding in the darkness of my closed eyes, whatever that means. Twas nice while it lasted. 
Sam Gentile, modified 7 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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Brandon Whited:
EDIT: I don't know why this keeps happenign...

I wrote a bunch of stuff out and it put up an old post of mine...

To answer your question Sam. I figured it was a waste of my time and yours to log.

I'm so new, just sitting down, not procrastinating is my main foucs. I've attained no absorptions, nothing of note. There's nothing to diagnose..

What's the point of logging then?

Perhaps I'm wrong?

Today I sat for 40 minutes and did a Samantha meditation.
Lots of distracitons as I tried to focus on the blackness that is my closed eyes. Movies playing, an earworm, yadda yadda. There was a moment or two or three where it all fell away and everything felt so silent. So calm. Abiding in the darkness of my closed eyes, whatever that means. Twas nice while it lasted. 
So you wrote a bunch of stuff down somewhere but you didn't post it here? What's the use of you posting? It insipires me and others to continue, st see each other's struggles and keep going. I have no attainments either but I offer my experiences and supposedly it has helped others. Please cosnider.
Brandon Whited, modified 6 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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Edit...

Once again I type one thing and this site posts something else...

I meant to say I'm meditating twice daily for 45 minutes each....

Making progresss using the mind illuminated.
Brandon Whited, modified 6 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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10/24/2020 Update and 45 minute Session

So I took Shargols advice and got a calendar and marked the day that I meditated...

https://imgur.com/a/ZqtktcX

Red line is the first meditation session(45 minutes), the grey line is the second(45 minutes).
Black line is stretching and the blue line is doing all of that or part of that before dicking around.

I've been following the Mind illuminated. I think I'm currently on level 4...

Not sure aht I'm experiencing now.

First Session Today > 45 minutes

Procrastinated hard on it. Sometimes I just hate starting for some reason. It feels like anxiety... in my head.

I sit down to do it. A bunch of gross distractions but I return to the tip of my nose breath every time. It's become automatic at this point and it's usually good. Somedays like today I zone off for too damn long but usually not.

But one thing I'm trying to figure out is... Am I experiencing gross dullness?

I yawn constantly, tear up. And I'm not sure but... maybe things become a little hazy? I start seeing.. hypnogogic visions in my closed eyesight? My feet and hands kinda melt into one solid sensation instead of individuals toes and fingers... Is this dullness?

I thought this was a good thing at first because.... it helps the time pass by. I get insanely bored and when I feel this way, it feels like progress. Like I'm calm, relaxed...focused on the object of meditation. The space between my nostrils while paying attention to the breath.

But perhaps this isn't so.

Also.. this procrastination. I want to get both sessions done before 5 pm because late night sessions are no bueno. too tired... I guess when I feel the procrastination I just need to sit with it. I think I've been doing other stuff instead which doesn't solve it. 

Making progress though, I think I'm getting close to a third 45 minute session each day.... then I'll increase all the sessions to 60 minutes...

Still going for stream entry. And I signed up for some online meditation thing from IMS  and  that'll start on the 28th of October.
Brandon Whited, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
2/9/2021 Fire Kasina 60 minutes Session

Hey All,

When I started this log months ago.. it was only for benefit and when I thought it no longer benefited me I stoppped...

I've been so very selfish and self-serving in my life thus far...

But perhaps it is wise to not think of only myself when I do shit so even if this log is annoying as fuck to me...

"For the benefit of all beings"

I'll write it just in case someone else finds it useful.

I did about 13 days of 50-55 minute sessions before falling off the horse about a week or two ago.

Started it up again and here's what happened.

I kept on losing the flame pretty fast in my minds eye. Probably because I was besieged by thoughts about my coypwriting business... whatam I gonna do... etc etc etc... Anxiety anxiety.. indecision... lost lost lost.

I even respondedto a text from my dad which was bad.

But unlike in the past I stayedo n for a full 60 minutes... where as before I'd quit at 30 minutes.. 45... 51... etc 

Fuck meditating. But I'll keep on doing the full 60 minutes... I'll "pay the price" as Daniel ssays in order to get furhter with fire kasina. I've always been pretty visual which is why I have a hutch that the kasina will work for me.

In the beginnign when I had decent focus I actually saw photo realistic pictures and shit briefly in that little red dot.

Must keep going. I'll post here everyday as I'm doing it I swear.

P.S. Why the hell is the site bleeding eye white now? I miss the gray
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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Thanks for checking in at my log. Yes, I have been on quite a roll with an ARising and Passing Event.

It's so good to see you back. I suggest you look at your motivation. What do you hope to get from your meditation? Then committ to your practice no matter what. For me, I now have developed unshakable faith. But you must have some level of faith to take you through hard times as well as good. May you practice  well.
Brandon Whited, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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Hey Sam,

Enlightenment is the end goal... the truth... It's there... I'm ignorant.. Don't wanna die ignorant.

I alsohad a really strong ayuasca trip yesterday and I want to see more cool shit too. Like spirits.. demons... entiteis. I don't give a damn.

So I actually did a second 1-hour fire kasina meditation. Went through the entire hour... Was still distracted with thoughts but I kept on going back to "attending diligently".


Then this morning I did another 1 hour session... and I made some fuckin progress mother fucker.

So I'm doing the fire kasina and thoughts are popping in... planning thoughts... other dumb crap.

I keep on going back to "attending diligently"... Then sometime after the halfway bell on my waking up app rings...

I look at the flame one last time... focus on the after image... the after image fades but I keep looking then some cool stuff happens.

It this the Murk?  I'm seeing swirls of purple and some black that keep on undulating. Swirlign and swilring..

Eventually some blue starts shoving it's way in I think because of my request.. I vocalized "blue" a couple of times in my head.

Then both of those colors fade and a blackness returns but then some sorta yellowish orange shape keeps on blinking.... it appears for a bit then fades again and again...

Then the bell rings to end the session.

Will probably upgrade to two sessions a day. The DMT trips have switched something. Before I couldn't stand to sit down for an hour... now I sit down even though there are plenty of distractions. 
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

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Brandon Whited
Hey Sam,

Enlightenment is the end goal... the truth... It's there... I'm ignorant.. Don't wanna die ignorant.

Yes, good, make enlightenment your goal.

I alsohad a really strong ayuasca trip yesterday and I want to see more cool shit too. Like spirits.. demons... entiteis. I don't give a damn.
Are you using pschedelics now? Not my area of expertise. All my LSD trips and such were in the mid 70's but spirits, demons, what's the point? Will it contribute to your awakening?

So I actually did a second 1-hour fire kasina meditation. Went through the entire hour... Was still distracted with thoughts but I kept on going back to "attending diligently".
I don't know anything about fire kasina either but is this practice helping you elimintate suffering or contribute to your awakening?



Then this morning I did another 1 hour session... and I made some fuckin progress mother fucker.

So I'm doing the fire kasina and thoughts are popping in... planning thoughts... other dumb crap.

I keep on going back to "attending diligently"... Then sometime after the halfway bell on my waking up app rings...

I look at the flame one last time... focus on the after image... the after image fades but I keep looking then some cool stuff happens.

It this the Murk?  I'm seeing swirls of purple and some black that keep on undulating. Swirlign and swilring..

Eventually some blue starts shoving it's way in I think because of my request.. I vocalized "blue" a couple of times in my head.

Then both of those colors fade and a blackness returns but then some sorta yellowish orange shape keeps on blinking.... it appears for a bit then fades again and again...

Then the bell rings to end the session.

Will probably upgrade to two sessions a day. The DMT trips have switched something. Before I couldn't stand to sit down for an hour... now I sit down even though there are plenty of distractions. 
Brandon Whited, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
At your first question Sam. I've been experimentig with them. I think they are a useful tool... I'm able to let temptation... annoyance.. impatience... roll off of me like never before. Never before have I been able to sit through 60 minutes of meditation like that... They won't bring awakening on their own though. Much work to be done. 


On angels/demons... this isn't my main objective. Merely a side thing I wouldn't mind running into.. Thanks though. I'll make sure to make my intention during meditation and/or psychedelics towards awakening/enlightenment and not on meeting entities.  Total focus on awakening/inisght before any of that crap. 


On fire kasina - it reduces suffering and can be way to go through the path of insight. Reading Daniel's writings onit and his podcast episodes. People have attained A&P's on it and more. More to come
Brandon Whited, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
2/11/2021 Fire Kasina 60 minutes

I actually did one last night too but I didn't write it in..

I think I'm making progress?

It starts with the usual... watch dot fade.. repeat... thoughts intrude. I say in my head" attend diligently" and get back to it.

Once the halfway mark rings is when things get more interesting...

I start seeing waves of purple and black... undulating... hypnoitic in nature... They fade then come back... change color a little... turning into more gray...

This goes on until the end of the session.

Is this the Murk?

I'm not sure, I think it is. I need to read the fire kasina book.
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Siavash, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 1239 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Is this the Murk?


More generally, that whole visual space is the murk. More specifically, yes, what you mentioned is the murk, which is the second screen. 1st is where the dot is, after focusing on the light source, often the after image appears which for a candle flame usually has a purple color mixed with black and maybe yellow or green. Then usually the bright dot (red dot) appears which normally is red or yellow for a candle flame but can be other colors too. This is all on first screen. Then the bright dot starts fading, it may start to turn partially into green, and then become a green dot. Then it turns into the dark dot (black dot), which can be a clearly defined black dot, or a small or bigger black disk or area, often with some hazy color statics around it. Dark dot can be dark green too. Dark dot is in the border between first and second screen, which then fades away and you are in the second screen or the murk, that has a little more depth too it, or can extend more to the periphery. For me at first the distinction between first screen and second screen were clear, but after some more practice, they started becoming more fuzzy, and usually there are lots of color statics around the dot (second screen bleeding into first screen), or after the black dot fades away, some bright dots can show up that then turn into black dot. Hope this helps.
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Siavash, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 1239 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 If you haven't read it yet, the fire kasina website's glossary is the best resource for definitions:

https://firekasina.org/glossary/

Also Daniel's interview with Michael Taft on Deconstructing Yourself about fire kasina is very good:

https://deconstructingyourself.com/the-liberating-practice-of-the-fire-kasina-with-daniel-ingram.html

And for a detailed FAQ on the subject, listen to Denman Island 2018 FAQ:

https://firekasina.org/diaries/denman-island-2018/denman-island-2018-faq-project/
 
Brandon Whited, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
Thanks Siavash, the FAQ was very helpful

2/12/2021 60 minute fire kasina.

I did another 60 minutes last night... I intend to keep this up but logging it is a pain in the ass.

Did one earlier today..

I stayed in the Murk much long this time. At least I think its the murk...

Red dot... purple dot... black dot.... no dot... sounds like doctor seusss.

Undulating waves of colors... then sometimes nothing... especially if I get distracted with bullshit thoughts...

Going to dive into the murk even more... Seems like a waste of a candle to have it burning when I have my eyes closed but O well.

For the benefit of all beings... I continue towards enlightenment. 
Brandon Whited, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
2/13/2021 - 60 minute Fire Kasina...

Very rough ssession...

Constant fantasies about all sorts of shit. Kinda sexual lots of other stuff...

I couldn't sit still, actually stopped then continued it. First time that's happened. I guess it's natural that things won't go smoothly forever. 

Will double down again either later today or tomorrow. Note the distractions as they come without mercy 
George S, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 1643 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Au contraire, that's a good sit! It means your practice is working and getting into some deeper areas. Good stuff. 
Brandon Whited, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
2/14/2021 60 minutes Fire Kasina

Noted away the distractions..

Got to the Murk... kept on noting away distractions...

Apparently when I do pendulu mbreathing... Breathe in.... breahte in a little more... hold... breathe out completely... breathe out a little more...

That creates some interesting effects. It also keeps me focused on what's going on in my visual field....

Further into the Murk!
Brandon Whited, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
2/15/2021 60 minute Fire Kasina

I did 55 minutes last night too.

Today more intruding thoughts... memories... alternative history... possibilties in the future...

They keep on coming... Also more discomfort in my body. I failed to stay still, moved around too much.

Need to work on that... note it all away... must do better... still in the Murk... much further to go. 
George S, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 1643 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Brandon Whited
2/15/2021 60 minute Fire Kasina

I did 55 minutes last night too.

Today more intruding thoughts... memories... alternative history... possibilties in the future...

They keep on coming... Also more discomfort in my body. I failed to stay still, moved around too much.

Need to work on that... note it all away... must do better... still in the Murk... much further to go. 

In general we're way too hard on ourselves. emoticon Ajahn Brahm says his first teacher told him this, I think it's really important - there's no such thing as a bad meditation! Nothing needs to be pushed away, if you welcome the hindrances gently into awareness they will leave by themselves. ​​​​​​​emoticon​​​​​​​
Brandon Whited, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
2/17/2021 60- Minute Fire kasina

So I went to bed very late last night. But I still woke up early...

Meditation was FILLEd with distractions but I did sit through it all.

didn't even get to the murk. 

I'll probably do another tonight and do it better.

@George - thanks, I will remain consistent... the process... the cumulitive average is more important than any single day. If I continue overall to get better than that is what matters...

​​​​​​​Raise the floor... instead of raising the ceiling
George S, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 1643 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
I tend to think of the general energetic progression as downwards, like lowering the floor. I used to think that I was standing on solid ground, but I felt terrible. After meditating for a while the floor dropped a couple of inches and I started to realize that it was a flimsy edifice of my own construction. It was a little destabilizing mentally, but surprisingly I started to feel a bit better. Now, each time the floor drops again, it feels a little more stable. emoticon
Brandon Whited, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
2/18/2021 60 minute Fire Kasina

Thanks George.

Less distractions... or was bale to note them/ realize what they were sooner than yesterday.

Got to the Murk again.

notable visualizes were some scratchy lines swirling or erraticall appearing again and again... 

In the color of light purple... then dark purple... then they would disappear and a blotch of yellow the same size would appear in the middle of my view...

Then the purple scratches... then the blot of yellow with a rim of somewhat orange....

Then the bell rang. 

More meditations to come... Will shoot for 2 hours a day soonish... i can feel it
Sam Gentile, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 1074 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
So you've decided to go fully over to fire kasina as your main practice?  You're not noting anymore? Of course that's more then fine if you're getting the results you want.
Brandon Whited, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 55 Join Date: 6/8/20 Recent Posts
Pretty Much Sam.

Reading about and listening about it from Daniel... One can get insight... An A&P like yours with this practice.

One question... I do note away thoughts/distracting shit... I mean I figure that's right but does anyone else do different or should i be doing different...
Martin, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Brandon Whited's Log for Arahatship

Posts: 294 Join Date: 4/25/20 Recent Posts
Brandon Whited Pretty Much Sam. Reading about and listening about it from Daniel... One can get insight... An A&P like yours with this practice. One question... I do note away thoughts/distracting shit... I mean I figure that's right but does anyone else do different or should i be doing different...


Do you consider it a samatha (concentration/centering) practice, or an insight practice, or both? 

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