Not sure where I am in the process. I keep remembering my Hindu teacher in India (in 2007) who said "What to do when all goes wrong is a more important question than 'Is there a god?'" This "what to do" involved being still and looking at what is manifesting (once practical actions have been carried out - like reporting a minor traffic accident, ensuring that any mistakes in data at work were corrected, making sure that my son was still breathing after one of his sharp depressive episodes, etc.)
On October 4 there was a lot of abdominal pain so I was mostly dealing with that and sat only 90 minutes that day. It was pretty clunky, though I was able to stay with the object and tried to note any other sensations, but it was mostly "pain in upper right quadrant" along with investigating areas adjacent to it.
On October 5, I kept nodding off during practice. I think this was due to not sleeping for the past several days, which happens from time to time. Also quite clunky practice and only 90 minutes.
On October 6 I did a more intense gratitude practice before I started my early morning sit. Still, I'm back to the "thoughts running above" sensation where I'm noting physical sensations with subtle thought unrelated to anything running along above me. It's like having a radio on quietly sitting above my head so from time to time I catch a few words. I almost wanted to have my metal crowns checked to see if they could pick up radio frequencies, but the quiet thoughts don't feel foreign, they feel like "my" thoughts so I just note "thinking" and return to my noting of physical sensations.
The second 90 minute practice was clunky. It felt like I was just plodding along, even though I sat right after my three hour ngondro practice. Since I couldn't sleep again, I decided to do a reclining practice at 1 AM. I didn't fall asleep, but noticed the beginning of a sensation of a hand pressing down on me. When my alarm went off at 7 AM I just turned it off and dozed until 8:30. I'm not sure if the strong sensation of a hand pushing me down is related to practice or not sleeping. I had this a lot in 2012 when I was in and out of the A&P a lot. It's sort of like a physical manifestation of depression (without the self-hatred). No "why" questions (the maniac mantra of "why is this happening, why me, why now"), just the hand quietly pressing me down.
Today I have a process from India on Zoom. We do some practices and these often shoot me into bliss states, which can be useful to motivate me to do the 3-hour ngondro practice followed by a three-hour sit (since I missed the one this morning). I'm curious to see where the heavy physical sensation moves. It usually lifts on its own. More later . . .
I did 3 hours on the 7th and 8th, but even though I remained focused on the object and noted as much as I could, it was almost dead. I haven't been able to sit today due to work on my house that needs my input so I can't sit or do ngondro until this evening. The hand-pressing-down lifted when I got busy.
I really can't tell if I just cycled back to Mind and Body and am now just at a dull part of Cause and Effect, or am in one of the post-A&P stages. I'll see if it changes tonight.
When this happened to me before, as I was trying to do jhana practice, I would give up and go back to guided kundalini meditation. It didn't work. Can't even feel the chakras, and breath of fire does not produce anything. The message that I needed to move on was clear years ago. I outgrew it but couldn't see a clear path onward. Sort of feels like I'm in middle school. I've already had a number of experiences that showed me some of the territory of awakened states when I was going to India for 10 years, but I'm in elementary school regarding samatha and vipassana meditation. I'm just clunking along.
It is very exciting to read the posts here. I know for a fact that awakening is possible. So I'll keep plodding on