Hello! So, I'm practicing meditation seriously for 1,5 years now (~800h of TMI and 2 Goenka 10 day retreats). But previously, I underwent a mystical development through western mystical systems and shamanism. This previous practice rendered me realizations that where permanent and changed everything. I turned to meditation because I crossed with MCTB while looking for resources to understand those changes. In order to better orient my practice right now and to understand a little bit more of my phenomenology by the lights of the 4 path model, I'm asking for some second opinion.

I will share a couple experiences (briefly) and some aspects of how I perceive the world. As I'm looking for opinions to better place myself at the maps, let me do a couple considerations. I do not claim any degree of attainment. In fact, I have always considered myself a post A&P (pre-SE) practitioner. But talking to more experienced meditators that pointed to me that I could be farther than that, I resolved to make this post. If what I describe sounds like a pre Mind and Body practitioner and you wish to tell me that, please, do that, you will not hurt my feelings. In fact, if I'm at the beginning, that would be kind of awesome (because, OMG, what waits for me?), but at the same time I will try to reevaluate my practice to make it more efficient. If what I describe sounds like something further along and you wish to tell me that, that information will be employed for the sake of a more efficient practice as well. If, in the case of lots of concordant responses, you tell me that what I describe sounds like x, I will not personally claim to have attained x. First because I think that such a placement should be something that I and a qualified teacher agree with and second because I'm aware that every map is, ultimately, false.

From 12 to 21 I played a lot with magick, divination and stuff that blurred the inside/outside boundary. Then I spent 3 years doing psychedelics in a mystical context every weekend, leading me to 1000+ hours in the psychedelic realm.

I experienced A&P like episodes a couple times during adolescence while playing with magick. In my psychedelic incursions, every trip left me with several insights. But there are 2 that clearly changed everything in a permanent way:

1) In my 4th trip, I felt a knot in my heart, that was always there, untie completely. The mind became crazy fast, with an amazing amount of rapture/bliss/ecstasy to the point where "everything" became represented by a bright white light. Then, an explosion occurred where subject/object, inside/outside, everything/nothing, or whatever form you like to give to the Duality, inverted and annihilated itself. I got what, at the time, I called "the Cosmic Joke". That non-conceptual non-dual understanding as well as the experience of the voidness of things (specially concepts). There was an afterglow that lasted for something like 3 months and every mystical text I've read so far became intuitive and crystal clear.

2) In my 100th or so trip, "I" lost language, self, everything deconceptualized (including time and space), and it felt like rising by the formless realms to a point where "I" went full "meta". The "field" (where phenomena manifest) decoupled, became perfectly homogeneous and shut down. Reality turned on again, but this "meta awareness", of pure consciousness, devoid from structure, that lies behind, remained. "I" saw the manifestation reconstructing itself from scratch, like a thought forming, or a dream. The self reconstructed itself in real time. After that, this "meta awareness" remained, the "field" became just the field in such a way that there is no sense of distinction of "mind/body" and the "room", for example. It's just the "field". Which is that "meta awareness" as well. One devoid of structure, the other full of heterogeneity, but this duality realized as illusory.

The first experience happened 7 years ago. And the second 4 years. I think that it's also relevant to say that I've never experienced a cessation outside of psychedelic context. And that's why I've never considered myself a stream enterer.

Now, to move away from past experiences, I will describe how reality feels on a daily basis.

- The "meta awareness", or "absolute", where is possible to abide, remained. I'm not there all the time equaly, however. I can chose to abide there and reality starts to flicker, become luminous, alive, equanimity explodes and it makes me feel kinda high. But then the default mode network activates again and I'm back to self-referential thoughts (with this meta abiding in the background, in such a way that after I "wake up" from the wandering, I can tell that "I" was there retrospectively). This state is more or less accessible depending on conditions.

- The intuitive perception of how every duality is ilusory remained. I can feel it as a sense of sameness (to some degree) in my senses and it's straightforward for conceptual objects.

- The sense of self is perceived as a concept to which thoughts refers to, a certain kind of bodily sensations (that change depending on the degree that a situation reinforces the sense of self) and a kind of spatial contraction.

- There is a sense of agencylessness. When awareness is low (like when absorbed by wanderings), it's possible to be unconscious of this. But, if I "wake up", there is just the field, doing its thing.

- The body is felt like a flickering of nonlocalized pixels. The distance between two pixels in the forehead and one in the forehead and another in the feet is the same/undetermined. I feel like if there is a function that maps those pixels in a spatial sense, giving rise to the body as it's regularly perceived. I can attune to a way of seeing or another.

- Meditation is not that special. In my best days, practicing TMI, I could rise to the 8th stage. I spent a week without meditating, so, if I sit now, I will probably be at stage 4. There are plenty of hindrances. But meditation feels "meta alright", even when pain or restlessness shows up. I just need to abide in that "meta awareness". Before this break I was trying to learn the jhanas (having relative success with the 1st one).

- I underwent serious trauma due to life stuff on the last year. I became really depressed and dysfunctional. It was hideous, but a sense of "meta peace" was there all the time and that prevented me at doing stupid things.

- Most of the plans and desires I had fell away. As I came to realize that what moved me to do most of my tasks were mostly some kind of existential suffering (that disappeared or was greatly lessened), I became a master procrastinator (but a much more efficient worker, on the other hand). Desire for material pleasure reduced a lot and most of the pursue for this kind of stuff is mostly result of habit. I still run away from painful stuff.

I think that this is enough text for a guy talking about himself already. Please, feel free to share any insightful thoughts as well as to ask me anything. And I hope that this post can be useful to anyone who share commonalities with me.

Thank you!