Polly Ester’s practice log 11 - Discussion
I just realized that since I'm now a moderator, I need to take my own responsibility for starting a new log when the current one is getting too long, hehe, and it was. So here goes.
I just want to jolt down something that I think might be crucial for me to work with at this point. It's about finding the balance of truly enjoying stuff and yet working around the reactivity that it can entail in terms of clinging and grasping. It's interesting to pinpoint where something stops being inherently joyous and starts being clinging to maintaining and solidifying something that is inevitably transient (as it should be) and growing dissatisfactoriness accompanied with and masked by the idea of maintained enjoyment over time. The idea came to me when a loved one initiated ending our video chat which we were both enjoying very much, because I might need some time to digest stuff before my grouo Chenrezig practice was to begin. I was so willing to just milk it, you know, every drop of it, even thought I really do need lots of space to process stuff since I also easily get overwhelmed (which can be cool to just surrender to, but not in all cases). So we ended our chat while energies were high, and in the silence and space of doing so, the intensity but also lightness of the energies moving around was striking. And here I have been complaining that I don't "have" enough energy. My loved one had been supporting me in doing something that I had been procrastinating for a while just because it feels too important to mess up, so there really had been lots of stirring up of stuff that needed processing. There had been a mix of fascination both with the task and with other topics (we have passionate discussions), stress from dealing with the task, and the joy of sharing moments together, and it was the perfect moment of ending the conversation. I came out of it high in energy despite the partial exhaustion from dealing with the complex task, and we had let things arise and pass as they should without holding on to them as I would probably have done if he hadn't pointed out the natural breaking point. At this point, things could just organically disentangle instead of turning into something that would give me an energetic hangover. I was high in energy and at the same time capable of letting go, and I realized that I often suck at this balancing and that tends to drain me.
So now I have started to phenomenologically investigate such breaking points, for small stuff. Like playing a simple game on my ipad. It is energizing in the exact right dosage, which is why I have periodically used it as a way of waking up my brain (in a very mundane sense, as it's probabaly almost diametrically opposite from waking up spiritually, but what do you do when your survival depends on you getting your heavy ass out of the bed to actually take that medicine or to be able to pay your rent?). Those games are designed to hijack your brain, so the energizing very easily tips over into craving and clinging. Still, there are aspects of them that I really enjoy. It would be very interesting to see if it as at all possible to keep playing such games now and then without having it affecting karma badly - and by that I mean what pathways I'm building in my brain and what ripple effects it stirs up and whether it inevitably undermines my practice or if it's possible to learn to let it come, let it be and let it go. So far I have seen that there are natural breaking points where it is possible to just stop on a dime with a sense of having had fun but without a sense of loss from stopping, because there was actually subtle restlessness showing up and therefore it feels good to stop. At those points, there is an urge to keep going, but it's not driven by joy. Identifying that fact makes it possible to just let the urge pass away as soon as it arises, without solidifying it into a sense of wanting to keep playing. However, I can also see that the reward system is a sneaky bastard, because later impulses arise together with thoughts that sound exactly like what addicts often say: "Hey, it's safe for me to play because I can stop at any time". Yeah right.
I just want to jolt down something that I think might be crucial for me to work with at this point. It's about finding the balance of truly enjoying stuff and yet working around the reactivity that it can entail in terms of clinging and grasping. It's interesting to pinpoint where something stops being inherently joyous and starts being clinging to maintaining and solidifying something that is inevitably transient (as it should be) and growing dissatisfactoriness accompanied with and masked by the idea of maintained enjoyment over time. The idea came to me when a loved one initiated ending our video chat which we were both enjoying very much, because I might need some time to digest stuff before my grouo Chenrezig practice was to begin. I was so willing to just milk it, you know, every drop of it, even thought I really do need lots of space to process stuff since I also easily get overwhelmed (which can be cool to just surrender to, but not in all cases). So we ended our chat while energies were high, and in the silence and space of doing so, the intensity but also lightness of the energies moving around was striking. And here I have been complaining that I don't "have" enough energy. My loved one had been supporting me in doing something that I had been procrastinating for a while just because it feels too important to mess up, so there really had been lots of stirring up of stuff that needed processing. There had been a mix of fascination both with the task and with other topics (we have passionate discussions), stress from dealing with the task, and the joy of sharing moments together, and it was the perfect moment of ending the conversation. I came out of it high in energy despite the partial exhaustion from dealing with the complex task, and we had let things arise and pass as they should without holding on to them as I would probably have done if he hadn't pointed out the natural breaking point. At this point, things could just organically disentangle instead of turning into something that would give me an energetic hangover. I was high in energy and at the same time capable of letting go, and I realized that I often suck at this balancing and that tends to drain me.
So now I have started to phenomenologically investigate such breaking points, for small stuff. Like playing a simple game on my ipad. It is energizing in the exact right dosage, which is why I have periodically used it as a way of waking up my brain (in a very mundane sense, as it's probabaly almost diametrically opposite from waking up spiritually, but what do you do when your survival depends on you getting your heavy ass out of the bed to actually take that medicine or to be able to pay your rent?). Those games are designed to hijack your brain, so the energizing very easily tips over into craving and clinging. Still, there are aspects of them that I really enjoy. It would be very interesting to see if it as at all possible to keep playing such games now and then without having it affecting karma badly - and by that I mean what pathways I'm building in my brain and what ripple effects it stirs up and whether it inevitably undermines my practice or if it's possible to learn to let it come, let it be and let it go. So far I have seen that there are natural breaking points where it is possible to just stop on a dime with a sense of having had fun but without a sense of loss from stopping, because there was actually subtle restlessness showing up and therefore it feels good to stop. At those points, there is an urge to keep going, but it's not driven by joy. Identifying that fact makes it possible to just let the urge pass away as soon as it arises, without solidifying it into a sense of wanting to keep playing. However, I can also see that the reward system is a sneaky bastard, because later impulses arise together with thoughts that sound exactly like what addicts often say: "Hey, it's safe for me to play because I can stop at any time". Yeah right.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Whatever space and inherent aliveness is liberated through my practice I hope will manifest as exactly what is needed in the world, at the right time in the right place.
Oddly enough I got the above mailed to me today.
The universe trying to tell me something?
Helen Pohl:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Whatever space and inherent aliveness is liberated through my practice I hope will manifest as exactly what is needed in the world, at the right time in the right place.
Oddly enough I got the above mailed to me today.
The universe trying to tell me something?
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Helen Pohl:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Whatever space and inherent aliveness is liberated through my practice I hope will manifest as exactly what is needed in the world, at the right time in the right place.
Oddly enough I got the above mailed to me today.
The universe trying to tell me something?Yes, as a notification. But I don't get it from any other thread... 0_o
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
It's from Lama Lena who is a lineage holder of several lineages, very anti-sectarian, but mainly Nyingma. She has cut and pasted a bit to make sure that it is powerful enough without being too long, as we are doing it in Tibetan, a language that we don't know. Thus she has assembled stuff from two different texts.
It works. The symbolic level resonates well with my subconscious processings. There were lots of releases from the second round too. It seems like my fascia is letting go of stuff, and I think this is the first morning this winter that I'm waking up without anxiety (one of the very few anyway). Wow, I had forgotten what that feels like. So light. So peaceful. There's joy there too, and so much space. I actually have energy.
This reminds me of the miraculous healing that took place when I started my practice. I think I need a practice that stirs up shit and disentangles it, and as usual, the subconscious does a better job with that than the regular processing patterns. The ngöndro seems to kickstart the subconscious processings, and those are more fluent in Sambhogakaya stuff.
It works. The symbolic level resonates well with my subconscious processings. There were lots of releases from the second round too. It seems like my fascia is letting go of stuff, and I think this is the first morning this winter that I'm waking up without anxiety (one of the very few anyway). Wow, I had forgotten what that feels like. So light. So peaceful. There's joy there too, and so much space. I actually have energy.
This reminds me of the miraculous healing that took place when I started my practice. I think I need a practice that stirs up shit and disentangles it, and as usual, the subconscious does a better job with that than the regular processing patterns. The ngöndro seems to kickstart the subconscious processings, and those are more fluent in Sambhogakaya stuff.
Mine was also sort of pasted together, the whole of the Dudjom Tersar, and some bits and pieces he liked to go along with it. I have a feeling the lama usual does this to some degree to suit the student. He also recommended I read Thinley Norbu's "Cascading Waterfall of Nectar", which was utterly impenatrable at the start.
https://www.shambhala.com/a-cascading-waterfall-of-nectar-337.html
The practice worked for me too. I was supposed to do 100 thousand recitations, but after losing count, lama said to just keep doing it every day and not worry about counting. I'm sure I went out past 100 thousand to... somewhere.
I agree... it feels good. I loved it! Having said that, it dug up all of my crap along with it, culminating in both lama's death, and not long after, the death of my biological father. I had no idea how much baggage was tied up in all of that. Years of "dark night", then maybe 6 months after, awakening. My feeling is that it needn't have been so hard for me. I should have sought out another teacher immediately. Ah well.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Are you saying that the digging up of your baggage somehow resulted in the deaths of the lamas and your father, or that it was karmically intertwined (beyond simple notions of cause and effect), or that the deaths just happened on top of everything else that had already been challenging enough?
Karmic seeds ripen when they ripen. The deaths happened when they needed to do. The deaths did make it more challenging, but those challenges were "mine".
I'm not as afraid of what it might dig up as of having to live with not digging it up. That said, I'll continue to do my best to pace it in a way that I can handle.
In retrospect I 100% agree.
Don't you think that if you could have awakened in a smoother way, you would have?
Of course! When I think back on it, it has more to do with how I could help someone else, I suppose. I know that some help with perspective and processing the stuff that comes up could really help someone really suffering in a dark night. I ended up exiting dark night into a very pleasant equanimity for 6 months or so, and awakening happened when I wasn't even meditating, had no teacher, no practice, or intentional dharma exposure. I was just driving my car to get new tires.
I would have to start reciting much faster in order to reach 100000 recitings in less than a year. I'm not sure that would be such a great idea. It seems like it could get pretty frantic.
I hope you didn't somehow get the the impression that this was how I practiced, am suggesting it, or that I think it is even a good idea. I did the 100,000 recitations (and 300,000 prostrations!) over years. I was given the impression that there is not rush at all, and never felt in a rush. If I recall correctly I was told that Dudjom Rinpoche did the ngondro all his life, never stopping. While I didn't end up doing this, it was my intention at the time.
While I personally knew some students who were, I was not given physical or visual mandala practices, offering practices, or energy practices. I was given the ngondro, prostrations, guru yoga, and an emphasis on dzogchen, so I don't have much to say about some of the practices. Different students were given differents sets of instructions based on skillful means. I can't argue with the results.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Maybe it has been part of it over the years, I don't know. So many different names are used. Earlier in life I have done yoga that was called that, but now I sometimes attend classes that are called therapeutic yoga and a bunch of other names but that remind me of it. I used the label in a sloppy way. Yes, it's a diverse practice. I'm no expert. I just really need yoga for my health. Without it I have brain fog and chronic pain and chronic fatigue. Yoga and meditation support each other and make each other possible for me.
I see.
Well, I'm the same. No tarzan-level yoga for me, I just know it makes me feel better so...
No headstands and acrobatic stuff >_<
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I got to move on from prostrations to Vajrasattva after only three months because that's what I needed, and I did not do any large quantity. She said that I might need to go back to doing more at a later point. Still I somehow got the idea that she thought that three months could also be enough. I was not the only one who got to move on. When doing the maths it became obvious that three months is a very short time span. Then again, Lama Lena does not require ngöndro before teaching Dzogchen like many others do. This is optional. She says that it would be mandatory for a practice focusing mainly on tantra or tsa lung, but that's not what she teaches. She teaches Dzogchen and Mahamudra.
Something I forgot to mention earlier is that the day I started the Vajrasattva practice (I would say yesterday but it's past midnight so technically it's the day before yesterday) I was surprised by a bellowing sound coming from somewhere in front of me, next to the altar. I sort of wonder if that's what someone with a buffalo head would sound like. It's funny that this happened right after I wrote in your thread that I wouldn't mind if a voice would appear. I didn't immediately think of Yamantaka as I wasn't yet at that part and haven't thought much about how buffalos sound. Honestly I thought something along the line of "What the f, is it happening now - am I encountering one of those demons that people report seeing?" and then I chanted a few Om mani padme hung as a nice gesture just in case, lol.
The 300,000 prostrations was part of the completion for me, not that I minded.
As far as I know, all Dzogchen teachers start the teaching with Dzogchen right off the bat, and pointing out instructions. I have had the instruction for both in dharma talks and in formal teacher meetings many times. I think getting pointing out ideally happens as often as possible, with questions to be sure the student knows what they are looking for. Vajrasattva purification was part of my initial packet of chants. I never had anything with a buffalo head sound off! I did have a visit to a garden, while sitting where a "teacher" I have never identified told me I wasn't ready yet to find "my" teacher, but that he was always available. It made me break into happy/sad tears. I think I ALSO chanted Om mani padme hung after it happened!
Stirling Campbell:
The 300,000 prostrations was part of the completion for me, not that I minded.
Okie.
As far as I know, all Dzogchen teachers start the teaching with Dzogchen right off the bat, and pointing out instructions.
That has not been my experience, and Lama Lena had to do ngöndro twice before getting to learn Dzogchen. She comes from a pre-monastic line of cave yogis.
I have had the instruction for both in dharma talks and in formal teacher meetings many times. I think getting pointing out ideally happens as often as possible, with questions to be sure the student knows what they are looking for.
Yeah, that’s how Lama Lena does it too.
Vajrasattva purification was part of my initial packet of chants. I never had anything with a buffalo head sound off! I did have a visit to a garden, while sitting where a "teacher" I have never identified told me I wasn't ready yet to find "my" teacher, but that he was always available. It made me break into happy/sad tears. I think I ALSO chanted Om mani padme hung after it happened!
Cool!
I did have a voice tell me in a dream (that didn't feel like a dream at all) once as a teenager that said "It is a grace bestowed on the few to be able to see through themselves", together with a vision of a ladder leading up to the skye.
Around the same time I also actually met a gestalt in trying one of those "meet your spiritual guide" exercises from a book. It was blue and had eight arms. Apparently Hindu deities resonated well with my subconscious at the time. It was a very brief experiment with meditation, because very soon my body started to fall away and turn into a vibrating energy field and I wasn't ready for that. Nobody had told me that could happen. I thought I must be doing something wrong, and so I avoided it for two decades.
Thanks guys, both of you, for your support!
I actually feel great today. The silky slow spiralling breath has been with me through the day, accompanied by smooth creamy piti, like the silky foam on a Guiness (that I can't drink anymore due to gluten intolerance and histamine intolerance to the yeast
). I started the day with a very short yoga session. Meditated before lunch, mainly enjoying the breath. I don't feel like labelling it as shamatha or anything else. I'm kind of fed up with names. I just did what wanted to be done. I did praise Tara and do the Yi Rang, and the altar routine. As usual I made my cats stop fighting by chanting Om mani padme hung (remarkably effective). No ngöndro. Had a yoga class at the studio. It was heavenly. I even felt those champagne bubbles in my body that I used to have almost all the time. How I have missed those! I have no idea how temporary this grace is. I know that I very recently wrote in this log that I felt good, but after that I hit rock bottom or something. I don't know if there are more rock bottoms to come soon. At this very moment I feel healthier than I have for a long time (not sure about the time perspective; it's just what it feels like right now) and I even have a hard time understanding how things could feel so heavy as recent as yesterday morning before the yoga. It felt like I was dying, almost. Transient stuff. Weirdly transient. But definitely requiring medication.
I chatted a bit with Forrest Knutson. He replies fast to comments on his videos. I got to learn that whereas 3-7 breaths per minute results in heart resonance, slower breaths than that result in something of a counter-resonance. Both are very good for our health. I'm a very slow breather by nature, while in relaxation. I breath 1,5 breaths per minute. His exercise with 3 breaths per minute felt a bit stressful to me, so I asked him to do slower ones too (he has some very helpful exercise videos that are easy to follow and that don't contain any unnecessary atmospheric bling-bling that would drive you nuts after a while). It's not Buddhist, but what he talks about can very easily be translated into Daniel-speak. Totally different terminology but goodenough phenomenology to know exactly what he's talking about.
I'll soon go to bed with a slow breathing exercise video. Apparently the audio speed on youtube can be adjusted, so I can slow it down. There's no talking in the exercise once it gets going, just tones indicating inbreath and outbreath, so it won't sound funny. Of course I can breath slowly without guidance, but I like the feedback. It also makes it easier to notice changes in the breath.
I actually feel great today. The silky slow spiralling breath has been with me through the day, accompanied by smooth creamy piti, like the silky foam on a Guiness (that I can't drink anymore due to gluten intolerance and histamine intolerance to the yeast
). I started the day with a very short yoga session. Meditated before lunch, mainly enjoying the breath. I don't feel like labelling it as shamatha or anything else. I'm kind of fed up with names. I just did what wanted to be done. I did praise Tara and do the Yi Rang, and the altar routine. As usual I made my cats stop fighting by chanting Om mani padme hung (remarkably effective). No ngöndro. Had a yoga class at the studio. It was heavenly. I even felt those champagne bubbles in my body that I used to have almost all the time. How I have missed those! I have no idea how temporary this grace is. I know that I very recently wrote in this log that I felt good, but after that I hit rock bottom or something. I don't know if there are more rock bottoms to come soon. At this very moment I feel healthier than I have for a long time (not sure about the time perspective; it's just what it feels like right now) and I even have a hard time understanding how things could feel so heavy as recent as yesterday morning before the yoga. It felt like I was dying, almost. Transient stuff. Weirdly transient. But definitely requiring medication. I chatted a bit with Forrest Knutson. He replies fast to comments on his videos. I got to learn that whereas 3-7 breaths per minute results in heart resonance, slower breaths than that result in something of a counter-resonance. Both are very good for our health. I'm a very slow breather by nature, while in relaxation. I breath 1,5 breaths per minute. His exercise with 3 breaths per minute felt a bit stressful to me, so I asked him to do slower ones too (he has some very helpful exercise videos that are easy to follow and that don't contain any unnecessary atmospheric bling-bling that would drive you nuts after a while). It's not Buddhist, but what he talks about can very easily be translated into Daniel-speak. Totally different terminology but goodenough phenomenology to know exactly what he's talking about.
I'll soon go to bed with a slow breathing exercise video. Apparently the audio speed on youtube can be adjusted, so I can slow it down. There's no talking in the exercise once it gets going, just tones indicating inbreath and outbreath, so it won't sound funny. Of course I can breath slowly without guidance, but I like the feedback. It also makes it easier to notice changes in the breath.
Bardos's comment reminded me of being a kid in a candy store. I only have a dollar but there's so much great stuff to buy - I want that, and this, and this, and that, and one of those, and another of that one...
This is part of being curious and wanting to learn as much and as fast as we can. Behavioral psychologists call it "overchoice," and in the business world it is sometimes called "analysis paralysis." We're so afraid of missing that one great thing that we're frozen with indecision.
In the pursuit of dharma the little kid's dollar equates to our attention and the candy store to all those wonderful books, podcasts, videos, and practices out there for us to engage with. I probably have a hundred dharma books here in this room. I played with just about every practice I read about. I wanted it all!
It's temporary
This is part of being curious and wanting to learn as much and as fast as we can. Behavioral psychologists call it "overchoice," and in the business world it is sometimes called "analysis paralysis." We're so afraid of missing that one great thing that we're frozen with indecision.
In the pursuit of dharma the little kid's dollar equates to our attention and the candy store to all those wonderful books, podcasts, videos, and practices out there for us to engage with. I probably have a hundred dharma books here in this room. I played with just about every practice I read about. I wanted it all!
It's temporary
My view is that as long as there is consciousness there will be dharma. It can't just disappear. It comes with.
Good team effort. Yup. It's fascinating how so many different traditions come up with the same sign posts that I have experienced on my own without having heard of them before, just by listenings inwards.
---
I notice that I still have that old pattern of clinging to energy when it's available, even though I know that the energy basically is impermanence. I practice letting it be and letting it go, both the energy and the clinging. It's a blessing that all the poisons are impermanent too. In that way, they actually are the energy, sort of. When I remember that, spaciousness opens up again.
Yup. It's fascinating how so many different traditions come up with the same sign posts that I have experienced on my own without having heard of them before, just by listenings inwards. ---
I notice that I still have that old pattern of clinging to energy when it's available, even though I know that the energy basically is impermanence. I practice letting it be and letting it go, both the energy and the clinging. It's a blessing that all the poisons are impermanent too. In that way, they actually are the energy, sort of. When I remember that, spaciousness opens up again.
(ducking)
