RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

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Emil Jensen, modified 2 Months ago.

Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
 Time for a new log as the old one required scrolling for about a minute with every entry.

From now on, dear log, I'll keep you clean. I'll keep you brief, concentrated, less full of bullshit. Maybe. Also, maybe not. We'll see.

Oh wow yesterday I read some of Mahasi's insight instructions. Helped me a lot to identify some stupid things I'm doing, helped me remember some important things that I'm not doing. Especially, I've been not too attentive of mind wandering, too slack about letting this happen. But, as with everything, noting that these things as they happen is simply.. the practice?! I've been zoning out a bit and was reminded not too.

I've also stayed with a notion I wrote about in my last log, before the LifeRay shift: The notion that sensations do not know other sensations.
I'm observing this more often now and find that this somehow helps me concentrate and abstract from distractions better.

For example, when a feeling of resistance to meditation comes in, maybe due to pain, this would normally throw me off a bit. But now I can see how all the sense doors are still fully open. Somehow I can just keep observing them undisturbed, while noting the pain or the feeling of resistance. Then I can just watch how it fades and disappears while having seen it all clearly. 

It also seems to have the effect that I'm able to "isolate" sensations better - cuz they're more clearly isolated already! This, I find, is helpful when practicing samatha.

Finding it pretty easy for over a month now, to stick to at least 2 hours of practice per day. Sometimes 3-4, and once even close to 7 hours lol. Still determined to make the most of my practice while waiting to start on my job.

Peace, log

Love
 
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 1660 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Love that log title emoticon 

Best wishes!
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Awesome! Badassadhamma bing-bong!

Love the refreshment of the utter basics, simple technique 101, and its potent effect. Just do it, baby, yeah. But do IT. 
Sam Gentile, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 988 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
Love the title, love the motivation
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Emil Jensen, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
I miss this place, but haven't been on here so much lately. I guess when I figured out I could just practice 2-4 hours a day without keeping myself accountable on here, I just kind of de-prioritized it.

Concentration seems like its still improving, slowly but steadily. I am over to practicing 50-80% concentration (LED kasina) and the rest vipassana. Finally it seems as if I've tipped the balance a bit between these practices. I think I was in dire need for some concentration as its just been feeling very natural, very interesting and very supportive of my vipassana.
Now that they're more balanced I think I should continue with a 50-50 distribution. I like doing 1:20 hr sits - that's 40 minutes for each practice. I also have done quite a bit of 2 hr sits with 1:20 of LED kasina practice followed by 40 minutes noting. In these longer sits there tend to happen some more obvious incremental improvements in the concentration practice.

Some obvious differences I've noticed in my concentration is that I can work from a more relaxed state. In the beginning it was a lot of straining my eyes to see the nimitta. Now, as I get into the sit, I can relax sometimes really really deeply as I look at the nimitta.

I also have noticed a relaxation in holding the attention on the nimitta. I've been seeing how I actually don't have to do anything in order for my attention to rest perfectly well on the object. I just have to effortlessly observe it.

When relaxation is at its peak, the seen doesn't even have anything to do with the eyes anymore. It feels more like the nimitta is in the back of my head (funny enough where the occipital lobe is located) or else it feels as if it is nowhere. In these moments the "absorption" really seems like a fitting word, as if there isn't really much else going on, other than what's seen. 
In my sit yesterday I got to this deep relaxation/absorption and the nimitta was starting to behave in a very shroom-y, trippy kinda way. The nimitta turned into a bolt which was part of some fine alien-looking bio/tech (very shroom like indeed). I think this clearly shows that there's been improvements in concentration, as these 3d/live type visuals are characteristic of higher jhanas - If I've understood that correctly, that is.


With regards to vipassana, I've noticed improvements as well. I can feel how my increased concentration helps me keep track of what goes on in the body and mind.
I have also started to see clearer the mental/physical parts of each sensation. I've started taking note of not only the heard, by noting "hear", but also of the voice saying the noting. Same goes for mental talks. I've started to note them more often, without noting it verbally of course, as that would just be more of the same.
Same goes for the seen. Theres a clear difference in the seen and the seen, whether it's something seen with the eyes or mental images. I find it funny to observe the transition between the two. They clearly cannot both be in my full attention and when they switch its just as if there's this blurry/unknowing transition.

On a last note, I got myself a coach! With help from Sam G in my other thread about "Insight coach?" I got hooked up with Abre and we have our first session tomorrow. She seems.. cool! Really looking forward to seeing what that will do emoticon

Oh, and since this is the chronicles of a dhamma badass (me! lol) I'll also say that I'm keepin it real badass all over in general. I've been doing some cool freelance research work, making some music, done some one armed pushups and gotten the attention of some attractive females. And I'm reading a lot of Harry Potter with my girlfriend, lol. Life's sweet. I mean.. it's still dukkha of course. But at least I'm suffering in happiness a lot of the times these days.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Practice not broke. Me think you do good. You badass. 
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Olivier, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 731 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent Posts
I love seeing people really get a grip on what their practice needs and putting in the hours enthusiastically as you emil, and sam g for instance, are doing these days. "You know, i think i just need to do 3h of concentration every day" ... Yes !

It seems we basically have the same life activities, funnily enough, except for the push ups. What kind of research are you doing ?
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Emil Jensen, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
 Haha, Tim. Are you trying to dumb down your language to my level? emoticon

Olivier, yes! Ideally, practice over diaries any day emoticon

You should really get in on the one armed push ups. Best calisthenics exercise for the triceps I would say!
I was just doing a bit of research for a innovation funding project.. Seems like I have acquired the trust of some R&D director to do that kinda work while I wait for corona to allow me to start my job. I'm a physicist engineer.. What about you, what do you do, fellow badass ? emoticon 
 
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 1660 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Glad to see you doing well Emil! 
​​​​​​​Best wishes! 
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Emil Jensen, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Thank you Dusko!
And best of all to you in your seemingly kind of difficult phase. Keep learning brother emoticon
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 1660 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
emoticon Ha! Yes! Seems like my head is stuck in some grey clouds of sorts and Im trying to dip under or above those clouds but couds seem to follow suit with each move so .... emoticon well, its just the way it is I guess; head stuck in grey clouds of sorts emoticon
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
 Now, where did I read this yesterday... Dusko's log perhaps?
Shargrol was commenting, talking about how to note/notice. "Look at it..." - breathing, sitting, thinking, feeling, etc..
This really resonated with me. I don't remember how Shargrol phrased it and I don't feel like going back and reading it again. 
But it was something about "normal noting" which doesn't really get at the sense of observer/observed. Or "normal noting" doesn't really get at the interplay between sensations and their relationship to self. Ugh, this is not at all what he wrote I think. But it's how I remember it.

Long story made zero: I used it instead.
The "Look at it..." technique. And it seemed to really give a lot of clarity, much more than what I'm used to. I could see all kinds of things I normally only get a glimpse of every now and then. I could really see how all these sensatoins arose by themselves. The voice in the head, the felt, the seen. Commenting on it this way showed also how the senses are affected by one another, how they're dependent on one another.

"Look at it listening to these sounds, look at  it noticing a feeling of irritation arising, look at it investigating this irritation, look at how it dawns for this poor creature how the irritation is just pressure sensations. Look at how it seems to this creature that the sounds are actually annoying. Look at how fucking dumb this creature is".

And on and on like this. It went deep!
Later in the sit I got into noticing the longing for release, the dukkha in every sensation, the disgust with these involuntary, ignorant, automatic patterns of illusion and control, the equanimity working its way into these. Oh! And how the mind just grasps at sensations, constantly clinging or averting from them, and then more disgust, then more letting go and equanimity.
Shit man, I felt like the Buddha himself was directing my observations.

Thanks to Shargrol. I may have misunderstood what he was going at in Dusko's log, but it seemed to give something very interesting to my practice. I have promised myself to read some more of Shargrol. I seem to bump into good stuff from him here and there in the comments but haven't yet comitted to studying his material. I'll move it up on the priority list a little bit so that eventually it will be high enough for me to get to it.
 
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Tim
Practice not broke. Me think you do good. You badass.
 

Emil
Haha, Tim. Are you trying to dumb down your language to my level? emoticon


lol, no way. Your logs are so brilliant, and fun, and dynamic, I just feel tongue-tied sometimes, and yet I want to cheer you on. You're in a strong phase of very good, concentrated practice, you're on fire (fi-yah!), and you're are entertaining as fuck. 

Shit man, I felt like the Buddha himself was directing my observations.

lol, i mean, what can I say? Practice not broke. Me agree with Buddha. You badass.
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Me practice good yes? Very practice...Very enlight.

Where are those damn smileys.

A looking-high-as-shit smiley would be inserted here.

Anywho, lets slap some dhamma ink on this virtual paper.

Guess what, y'all, I've been meditating. 

*Mic drop*

...*Mic pick back up*

I had my first session with Abre yesterday. Dare I say Abracadabra yet? Maybe.
What a relief to have a coach actually. We talked about some things I may be clinging to and we practiced meditation and she corrected some things I did. We also talked about some things to practice untill next session. I'm aiming for one session per week at least for the first month or so. 

The corrections were clearly felt in this mornings meditation. I feel excited to have a 2 hr sit after writing this entry.
The difference is particularly felt after she suggested that I might be trying to steer the meditation too much. She is defo right about that.
Today I let the meditation steer itself a lot more. Perhaps a bit to my surprise, I felt very concentrated compared to normally. The loseness, the ease of pace, the attention to some of the things we practiced - the vedana and more specific sensation definitions - all made the meditation go deep.

I had quite a few energy-release type of occurrances. I was shaking lightly, smiling a lot, my breath was staggering. Something released when I let go of the steering. This is amazing.

Allowed me to see some subtle stuff. Stuff like the sense of looking/searching for sensations and grasping at them, averting from or clinging to sensations. Also the frustrations arising when there's seemingly nothing to note, or nothing particularly interesting to note. Or the craving for more "special/interesting" sensations.
Letting go of the meditation like this allows to see that tiller make all kinds of turns which one can't see unless one steps back from that tiller a little bit. 

Next up: nothing interesting at all, although perhaps a lot of fuzz about it.
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
 Just like I predicted: A lot of nothing in particular and a lot of fuzz about it..

The coaching session the other day we practiced noting vedanas. Inspired by this, in todays sit I did kasina for 30 minutes, then vipassana for 40. I noted both sensations and the respective vedanas out loud. 20% noting 80% just being aware, just a slow, thorogh noting.

Arghsghsh

Noting the vedanas really makes sensations depersonalize! I have a measure for this.. Usually sneezing is kinda hard to not do. Normally I can sort of force myself to not give into the temptation that it comes with and then it just passes kinda uncomfortably. But today I noticed first the urge, then the discomfort and then the sneeze passed without much discomfort at all. Cool. Same for all other sensations and their vedanas of course, this was to me just a clear example.

There were some strong feelings of wanting/clinging/longing/sorrow/disgust/melancholy and urges to get up and stop meditating. The session had very much this "being ripped apart" feel to it. These stronger unpleasant emotions and reactions were dancing with equanimity which showed up intermittently between the stronger flares of the emotions. My body felt like it wanted to twist and turn and get up.

Accepting all these things as they are allow for more accurate noting. I tend to skip over stuff like "feeling frustrated that sensations are not more interesting" - now I see that THIS is actually an interesting feeling which ought to be seen clearly.

 
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Arghsghsh

A sure sign of strong, dynamic practice. 

Also: candidate for meditation t-shirt of the week.

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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
 Arghgshgsh is very accurate of how my meditation is feeling atm.

Just sat for 2 hours. Its becoming easier to just sit without being distracted by pain so that's cool. Maybe one day I'll be able to sit for a whole month staright. Then people could gather around me and I could become some sort of a religious attraction. After I reappear from my trance I could start selling merch and start a cult. One day...

I switch between higher levels of equanimity and higher levels of frustration. I feel like it could be described as "being torn apart". It does feel a bit like that. 
I have a strong resistance to sit with sensations, but feel I am able to keep my cool pretty well. It turns out that all these resistances and urges to escape whatever's the undesired reality of the moment, never is that bad once you dive into it and dissolve it. When I do this, "unpleasant sensation" becomes "pressure", "unpleasant". Thereafter just "pressure". Then "light pressure", "empty pressure", "dissolving pressure".

It feels like sankharas are popping up to the surface and evaporate leaving behind a feeling of piti and sukha.

I also started noting the unpleasantness of pleasant things slipping away. Like if a sneeze is about to come on but in stead of giving you the satisfying release with snot flying left and right in a big pleasure explosion, it just slowly passes and you feel like you are left needing that satisfaction. This same feeling but weaker happens with other pleasant sensations as well!

Concentration is still growing. The samathi practice helps the vipassana with stability and the vipassana practice helps the samathi practice with letting go.  
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 1483 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Culavedella Sutta (MN 44)

Pleasant feeling is pleasant when it remains and painful when it perishes. Painful feeling is painful when it remains and pleasant when it perishes. Neutral feeling is pleasant when there is knowledge, and painful when there is ignorance.”

“What underlying tendencies underlie each of the three feelings?”

​​​​​​​“The underlying tendency for greed underlies pleasant feeling. The underlying tendency for repulsion underlies painful feeling. The underlying tendency for ignorance underlies neutral feeling.”
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
 Interesting, George!

It really has done something for me, to pay attention to vedanas. I learn new things emoticon
Another thing I've practiced lately, is becoming more precise with what is going on. I've been used to simply note "feel" for any sensation coming through that sense door. And in a way its true, but it does not reveal interesting details about phenomena so much.
I've started to articulate the feelings into "wet, dry, pressure, cold, warm, buzzing, touch, light, airy, spaceous, heavy..."
This gave some interesting realization today.
Hard to recall exactly now, but it had to do with pain and my reaction to it. At some point it became clear that instead of being just "pain" and "unpleasant" it became "heat, pressure" and "tension" elsewhere in the body representing the reaction to it. Seeing this made it release and I really felt the release. My head knocked back a bit, my breath took over and inhaled deeply and I let out a light laugh with a smile on my face and goosebumbs on my body. 
I feel that small releases like this correspond to incremental steps in improved equanimity. I feel super equanimous these days emoticon 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 5301 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts

I've also stayed with a notion I wrote about in my last log, before the LifeRay shift: The notion that sensations do not know other sensations.
I'm observing this more often now and find that this somehow helps me concentrate and abstract from distractions better.

For example, when a feeling of resistance to meditation comes in, maybe due to pain, this would normally throw me off a bit. But now I can see how all the sense doors are still fully open. Somehow I can just keep observing them undisturbed, while noting the pain or the feeling of resistance. Then I can just watch how it fades and disappears while having seen it all clearly. 

This! Brilliantly put. I think I'll actually make a physical note of it and keep as a great reminder. 
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
 Linda, I'm glad I wrote something you find useful! You're definitely one of my DhO idols! emoticon

Still discovering interesting things when noting the vedana to sensations. This has made vipassana so interesting and engaging that I finally feel like its time to crank up vipassana and crank down the kasina practice. I think its fine to adjust these as it seems fitting.

When I say interesting things, I'm especially talking about what is pleasant/unpleasant really?
I kept on noting it for all types of sensations, but discovered that either is more associated with what happens inside the rest of the body as a reaction to whatever other sensation.
I'll give an example for both pleasant and unpleasant sensations:

Unpleasant: I feel an itch, note it as "itch, unpleasant". Immediately after i discover that the itch was followed up by a pressure/tension/touch type sensation under the skin in the head, face, throat, chest, shoulders, hands. This pressure IS what "unpleasant" is. The mind image of itching the spot combined with these pressure feelings create the "want to itch, want to get rid of the itch (but really the unpleasant pressures)"

Pleasant: I see a mental image of a really hot chick (LOLLL!!! Its true). All the same places (+1) that had an "unpleasant" feel to them before, now light up in a way with a pressure type sensation which is somehow very similar, but pleasant instead. The pleasantness is fueled by more mental images and appreciation of the pleasure.

As with everything else, when noted like this, it fades quickly.

The next thing I'm starting to notice is the clinging and aversion. They're related to these pressures of un/pleasant. We cling because it feels unpleasant when the pleasant is fading, we avert because it feels pleasant when the unpleasant is fading.

Can I get my "Certified Buddha" mug soon?!
 
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Can I get my "Certified Buddha" mug soon?!​​​​​​​

George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 1483 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
You might already know this, but you are getting into the critical feeling -> craving links of dependent origination here:
pleasant -> attraction
unpleasant -> aversion
neutral -> ignorance.

The craving arises in a flash and then the clinging is the next step where it starts to solidify - I want to hold onto the pleasant and have more of it; I want to push away the unpleasant and have less of it; I want to continue to ignore the neutral and exclude it from awareness.

The neutral stuff is actually kind of interesting because it's like 90% of our experience or something, but because we ignore it reality feels much more attractive-aversive than it actually is. Allowing the neutral stuff into awareness suddenly makes reality feel much richer and more expansive, less threatening and less addictive. And actually ignorance is also the first step of DO, so in a sense it's the stuff we are ignoring or repressing which is the source of the sankharas which are the fuel for the entire proces.

The next steps are becoming -> birth, where you start to form an "identity" around the craving. So the image of the hot chick develops into a sexual fantasy, or the itch develops into scratching. The final step is "death" or decay. The fantasy ends and you feel unfulfilled, or you stop scratching and feel unsatisfied.

The really interesting thing about dependent origination is that it operates on multiple timeframes. When you catch the craving in meditation then it dissolves in awareness and the clinging doesn't bear fruit. It's not so easy to catch it in daily life, but that's how unwanted situations develop like going on a binge or flying into a rage. Finally you've got the deep cravings which underly our psychological identity over decades. Stuff like continued craving for the maternal love we didn't get enough of, or repression of the fear we felt when our fathers got angry with us etc. You can even see DO working on a societal basis, e.g. shadow sides of consumer culture or repressive religions, creation of worldviews etc. It's an endlessly fascinating topic. In the Loka Sutta the Buddha called DO 'the origination of the world and the ending of the world'.
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
George, I'm feeling the same excitement about the DO right now. Super interesting to actually be able to start and observe it with higher clarity!!

(From now on let me not ever write how much I meditate. It's typically 2-3 hours every day, ok..!?)

In my meditation I am right now very naturally drawn to observing what goes on just under my skin. It seems that the focus on un/pleasant has led me there and now its as if I'm seeing something new for the first time.

Sensations are not un/pleasant in and of themselves - the reaction to them are. And the reaction is what goes on under the skin, mostly: pressure type sensations.

But then you look closer into those and start to see more details to the un/pleasantness as well. It consists of warmth, cold, pressure, moving, buzzing, prickling, hollow, touching - all kinds of little details. 

Seeing this breaks up the picture of it being whatever it was. It becomes just the sensations arising and passing.

I've noticed at this point that there's a lot more pleasant than unpleasant.

Even when I note something unpleasant, like an itch or a pain, looking at the reaction, the pressure under the skin, its actually pleasant! I find even pain pleasant when I break it up into its little bits.
One type of sensation that I've noted with "unpleasant" every single time is the dryness on my lips and in my mouth. That has ALWAYS been unpleasant. However.. today I saw pleasant elements in it. I feel that I'm starting to see these because I'm getting more unattached to the occurance and more in tune with just the sensations. Therefore i focus less on i.e. the story of how dry lips is, in all reasonable objectivity, a "bad" thing. Nah, it's just sensations. And they aight, they aight.

Since this is my personal diary and I'm free to share anything and everything, I'll also share that I'm working on the thus far biggest, most epic piece of music I've ever done. I wanna say in advance, that I promise I'll try to remember you all when I become world famous. Any week now. 

Ok maybe the music sucks idk, I just really feel that I'm on an insight fury and that I'm the most mighty meditator in the whole world. I acknowledge this is utter bullshit, just taking note that this is how I feel at the moment.

I wonder if the Buddha could do this... hold my cushion!

...!
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
The cockyness is wearing off and I'm starting to feel more like a pathetic dweep instead. That's cool, I don't like feeling arrogant anyway. 

In my meditation I'm feeling longing/pain/discontent. The sits are feeling longer and I am noticing a lot of "wanting to look at the clock" and "wanting to move". It's hard. I usually don't eat before noon but today I needed a delicious breakfast earlier because I felt like I needed some psychological padding lol. I even smeared a shamefully thick layer of nutella on my bread. There's gotta be some good dhamma in that stuff, geez!

I strongly vow to not get too dark in this little miserable downturn if that's what's coming. For I have a lot of things coming up that require my sharpness, positivity and possibly a smirky smile and confident perverse attitute. 

I've also noticed a clinging to the type of sensations I've been watching a lot lately. Noting vedanas made me aware of a lot of internal sensations that steer me with clinging/aversion. In the beginning I felt these sensations strongly, now they've weakened. Perhaps I've just become accustomed to it. So I'm sitting there, feeling like I need these sensations to pick up in strength. I crave them when they show up and tense up in an unpleasant way when they're not growing in strength or not showing up at all. 
I note all of that too, and I think I'm doing fine. It's just a tough one that's all.

So all is well, I'm really happy and wish anyone reading this all kinds of fruits emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 5301 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Lol, I so relate to that cocky - pathetic cycle. 
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
 It's kind of hilarious :'D I can only laugh at how I'm standing by the toaster in the kitchen, dancing, looking at that frying bread like I'm the fucking boss. I know shit - the bread is just toast! Like, who's your boss?!!

Then a few days later I'm sitting on my cushion, sobbing over the inexplicable yearning to find peace with existence existing. Who's toast now...
 
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
lol. Emil, you're the best, and the badass-est, and just so damn much fun. You're toast, all right. Your ass is frying. Nice to have you around.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 1660 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
OFF TOPIC! (using this as a PM)

Emil emoticon I've sent you an email with my lead guitar for your epic song! I hope you like it! (telling you here in case the email drops into the Spam folder. one can never be sure inside the Matrix)
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Haha, I know Papa. I was just on a date last night so I couldn't reply immediately emoticon

"lol. Emil, you're the best, and the badass-est, and just so damn much fun. You're toast, all right. Your ass is frying. Nice to have you around."
Tim, always so damn encouraging - I don't think I would be around without that. Would be a little dryer writing logs, always getting serious responses. I'm both an extremely serious and ridiculous person so this toast talk mixes in perfectly well with everything else. I think I'm special and actually must follow the 9-fold path: right concentration; mindfulness; livelihood; etc.. and right weird!

Practiced for only an hour yesterday! Shiiit, and today haven't this morning. So a bit of a disturbance in the groove. However, I had my coach call yesterday and know what to practice/study now. More badass dhamma chronicles coming right up..
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Getting back into the serious groove after some days of slack meditation.
But something's changed.

Monday I meditated and got deep into some new feeling territory. I was noting the 3rd foundation of mindfulness - mind states - and something new happened. This was after a weekend of lots of relaxing, away from meditation, some drinking, fun, sex. So came back from a day's break on monday and fell right into deeply rapturous meditation with a new kind of feeling to the sensations, a new depth seemingly.

After this I felt down monday through wednesday, seemed to have stepped down, maybe from EQ to the dukkha nanas (who the f knows). Meditaiton was painful and I noted feeling like "my body wanted to throw me out".

Had a coaching session on wednesday evening and had another deeply rapturous meditation, seeming to find some new equanimity with these unpleasant feelings.

Now I'm feeling super good. I feel like I don't need to meditate. Concentration comes easy and vipassana does itself easy. I feel like I can go deep into my mind states and dissolve them into their raw sensations and that feels very cool.

Alright, that's all for now. Just felt like quickly scrabbling something down since it's been a while.

Take care, DhO <3 
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Getting a lot out of that coaching I got with Abre. Had my 4th session two days ago. I have so many smaller confusions about what's going on and how to proceed, and it seems like she really understands what goes on with me and she's able to guide me on from that. So cool! Even though I have no job (for just 1 more week now!) I am very comfortable paying for this coaching. It's so worth it!

So I've been practicing noticing/noting the four foundations of mindfulness - raw sensations, vedanas, mind states and thoughts. This practice seems to open up for some new territory. I can see a more and more detailed dependency of originations in sensations which is really cool. When deeper into the sit I become aware of all these four foundations and it seems as if sensations are really just dancing together. Thoughts generate mind states, its either pleasant or unpleasant and then the sensations come to sort of back that up. The intricacy of existence is just.. wow, mom. Mom, wow.

I am also getting some help with my kasina practice. I have spent quite some time doing it now, but not able to consistently enter jhanas. To my surprise, it seems as if concentration and ability to enter jhanas isn't exactly the same! Writing this, I realize, duh, of course not. But this has been my secret conception it seems!

It does seem that I go through the dukkha nanas and occasionally into high EQ when vipassanating - implying higher jhanic states when noting, but not when kasina-ing! Odd.. 

Anywho, I've started implementing the kasina tips I got from my last coach call and already I can start to see that I'm using my concentration a bit differently and the result is sukkha starting to arise whenever attention is sustained long enough. Since this coach call I've only spent like 1.5 hours total practicing and I think I'll get much farther in the next week or so. Should be interesting...

I also got tips on how to work with the dukkha nanas during vipassana sits. Was told that sensations can get syruppy and very surface - therefore I'd feel a lot on the skin and perhaps feel kind of hollow. I know I've felt like being submerged in syrup in some sits when the rapture is really strong. This implys I know what is meant by "syruppy" through direct experience. Feeling hollow tho.. hmm. In my sit today I convinced myself that I was feeling hollow when these dukkha symptoms started to show up: Aversion, stickyness, lethargy... My skin was felt quite clearly and on the inside I could only feel a little warmth/pressure in my guts.
I remember feeling like being covered in inch-thick skin during some sits. That seems to be a typical kind of rapture for me. I shall remember to investigate it with dukkha-nana-glasses if it arises again.

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Tim Farrington, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
The intricacy of existence is just.. wow, mom. Mom, wow.

Well, amen. Enjoy this last week of the most fruitful stretch of unemployment ever! 
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
 Thanks Tim! I will emoticon That was a nice 10 months. Lots of music, wondering what I should do with my life, getting some success with the project funding, and of course: I started meditating more seriously and better than ever before!

Some notes on today's sit:
I started with kasina, going for 30-30 minutes of each. But after 15-20 minutes or so I was so drawn to vipassana that I just switched. With the kasina I started getting concentrated on a tiny spot. It felt kinda easy and I feel it was a success; trying to narrow focus and then stay there in a relaxed, effortless way. There was some pleasantness although not full-on rapture. After the 3rd or 4th re-light of the kasina, the dot disappeared and turned into some murky stuff. It was red and changed in size. I remembered what Abre said about slowly letting awareness expand and I noticed that I could go too quickly out indeed. I then refocused on a smaller area and then tried to expand more slowly. And voila – I got back to the place of sort of very diffuse awareness of the entire visual field at once. There was no specific focused point, almost 360 type awareness of the seen. It felt very No-Self-y.
This is when I was drawn to including the body as well. I started noticing whatever came up, sensations, feelings, thoughts, mind states. I felt very let-go-y and some unpleasant things did show up. After noting them and noting the aversion for them they seemed to drop away. In the end I was feeling equanimous and just sat with the body and the sensations for a little bit without noting and without trying. Just equanimously aware. Some discomfort showed up here and there and I just kind of observed how it behaved in the body, how the physical sensations and mind states seem to just dance together.

I still get that flare of excitement sometimes. Sometimes it feels as if "I'm close to something big". Which of course just is more sensations, so I'm just noting the excitement and the corresponding bodily sensations. I've started to let more go of this notion that something big might happen. The result is that I feel more free and equanimous even though there's a short spike of excitement. I also started noticing that its often followed by sadness/fear/disgust type feelings. Sadness that it wasn't anything big; fear that there's not gonna be anything big; disgust with how unpleasant these automatic no-self mechanisms are.
 
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 1660 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
"Happening Big" is sold out in the Dhamma Shop! They are not sure what happened to the supplier! He got lost in the 6 Realms! Might never arrive! 
All you have left is This arising and passing away. 
 Yeah, misery, disqust, fed up with it all, accepting it all as there is nothing else here but This in all its shape shifting shape and form. 

​​​​​​​I hope to hear that song soon emoticon 
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Hey Dhamma Brother,

I guess I just wanted a happy ending - and a BIG one! Oh well..

About the song. Was working on it yesterday, some restructuring and whatnot. I think your guitar parts on SoundCloud are private or something, can't download the pure guitar parts. So make them public so I can see how they fit into the jam emoticon
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 1660 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Links are secret and I have emailed you the links back when we talked about it all. Only those with a link can see them. Go check that last email from me. 
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Yeah but hmm... somehow it only wants to download the left track. Could you check if there's some different setting on the right perhaps?
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Never mind, I'm basically a master producer by now lol! I just doubled the track and converted on to right. Fixed! Stay tuned...
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- the song is on its way to your mail inbox soon enough emoticon
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
30-30 minutes kasina-vipassana.
I started out with frustratingly lots of distracting thoughts and my mind was all over the place. I used high effort to get into a more concentrated state and was successful. I felt the most sukkah I probably ever did in a kasina practice around my thirds relight of the nimitta. After this I relit again and never got back to that level of focus. I stayed close though, but was tired from all the effort.
30 minutes in I switched to noting. Started with noting but remembered to just sit back and feel the whole body instead. This helps and I should remember to always do it. I got into what I believe is third jhana, with the skin feeling kind of syrupy and thick.
Then came the shittyness. I felt like I didn’t want to meditate and it just felt uncomfortable.
I noted the unpleasantness and after perhaps 10 bad minutes I became equanimous. Still, in the equanimous state I seem to dip down into some discomfort just briefly, here and there. The misery seems most obvious as this sad feeling combined with the discomfort. The fear may be what I interpret as anxiety/worry/anticipation… This is feel when I’m in EQ as it pops up as little 1-minute things where I just have to observe them until they go away. The disgust.. idk man, but I know I’ve started to feel sick, literally, in small periods during my sits. Like if it was a lot worse, I would vomit. It’s nauseating.

Something a bit odd..: I ended the sit feeling really EQ, but now I feel super annoyed. Somehow it’s actually pleasant when I tune into the sensations, but I’m irritated and agitated as hell. I feel like I could go off at someone if they pushed me just a little bit. I feel like I did back in the day when I only ate vegan food. Irritated and about to bust any moment. Lol.
 
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 1483 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
Lol, yeah I could have written that a few years back :'D
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
 In today's sit I was craving vipassana (I've been feeling the Dhamma Blues), but also needed to get into the groove and sharpen my attention. I therefore ditched the usual 30 minutes of kasina and counted breaths instead with awareness of the abdomen. This sort of did both - sharpened my attention and made me sensitive to sensations in the body.

It's been a while since I did breathing/samatha exercises, I've been solely doing kasina as a concentration practice. I recently started experimenting with adjusting the span of my focus - which makes a lot of sense visually because it translates directly to the area of the nimitta I'm focusing on. I was surprised today, seeing that this practice actually carries over into the breathing exercise: I could still adjust the "area" of my attention when it came to my breath, although it kind of translated to the varying area of my abdomen where my attention was, but also sort of to the specificness of the flavour of sensations there I was tuning in to.

Its nice to see my improvement in the way I can tune into the first jhana and enjoy some of that pleasantness associated with it. I guess I go to higher jhanas of dissolution and equanimity, but the road there isn't seen clearly by me. I know I don't spend a lot of time blissing out in the second jhana, so I'm wondering if I'm either not going into higher jhanas ever, or just have a quick skip over the second? Or maybe I don't know how to differentiate 1 and 2? Hmm..

After the pleasant bodily sensations I became very diffuse and thought the word "boundaryless" was a good discription. (3rd jhana, right?). At this point I started to just sit with the felt and left behind the counting of breaths. The transition into this was interesting as it happened quite quickly while I had my attention on the visual faculty. It sort of changed color to a brighter one and quickly "zoomed in", while also dropping a lot of the sense of self associated with it.

I focused on subtle details here for a while, especially sounds. I got into a quite dreamy mode, but quite consciously, more so than usually!
At some point, before this actually, I started noting. I could feel the pull of the dreamyness and didn't wan't to just float away, I wanted to stay present with reality. But noting wasn't needed for much of the sit, just a little note here and there to make sure I was actually present.

The sit ended in a highly diffuse, distant and equanimous state. I was still quite conscious, so I don't think I simply drifted. That's an improvement I've noticed in my sleepy-states also. I'm more aware even when I'm dreamy/distant. And more accepting that it shouldn't be otherwise, like clearer.

I feel I have a lot of release going on atm. In my sessions shakes, shivers, goosebumps and rocking motions occur. Oh, and spontaneous psycho-laughter. Lol. 
It's hard, but it feels good/right.
 
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Emil Jensen, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
 It's an interesting time in meditation for me. I feel like I've learned to see so much more recently and now I'm just getting used to it. I don't know if that's true of course, but that's how it feels. I feel like I just need to sit and watch all the crap oozing out of me - sadness, frustration, restlessness, anxiety. It seems to just come up to the surface when I sit and wait for it.

My meditation is a little changed by this. I'm not so energetic and not feeling so powerful and ready to just bust some insight. I'm calm, sad and awaiting, just sitting, very aware compared to average, just observing all this stuff happening.

In this morning's sit I did 30 minutes of breath counting and 30 minutes of easy, slow noting. 
I am beginning to see a pattern: I sit and note and I can't really explain the beginning, but at some point the discomfort really starts showing up. I'm guessing that's the dukkha nanas (duh?) and I can especially observe the sadness and some nausea.
At some point I get covered in what feels like a shell of thick skin. It's subtle and lasts for not too long. Then the sadness stops being a problem and my mind feels relaxed and tranquil. Now I'm just sitting with eq, able to observe in quiet. I'm trying to listen to the subtle and distant sounds because I was advised to try this out when in EQ - it seems to strengthen the state by making it wider, brighter, less boundary, and very much less-selfy. Lol, my vocabulary is obviously on point!

When having chilled in this eq-state for a while I'm starting to observe subtle feelings of boredom and restlessness. I get the feeling that "the battle's over" and the meditation is done. But I just notice these emotions arising and passing again and it seems I could do that for ages. But then the 1-hr timer rings and I go make coffee.

Only 4 days left of not having a job - what should I do for this last time of having a very open schedule? emoticon
 
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
When having chilled in this eq-state for a while I'm starting to observe subtle feelings of boredom and restlessness. I get the feeling that "the battle's over" and the meditation is done. But I just notice these emotions arising and passing again and it seems I could do that for ages. But then the 1-hr timer rings and I go make coffee.

lol, it's easy in EQ to suspect nothing's happening. But really, you're not doing anything, which is very different. Boredom and restlessness are both looking for trouble, in counterpoint to genuine EQ: ambition, need to accomplish, longing for control of Results. When they prevail, you're good for another round of the dukkha nanas; see them come and go and don't buy in, and you're "doing nothing." But it takes a helluva lot of very good work to be doing nothing in a way that doesn't fuck up EQ. And the acclimatization to doing nothing is crucial, at every level from the visceral/neurological to your sense of the meaning of existence: doing nothing is a very potent method for bringing up samsara's fire-breathing dragons, which scorch your ass in DN. In EQ, a simple "No thank you" seems to suffice. Same fire, though. Remember that.

I have treasured your unemployment! Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy, it's about to get ripped from your cold lifeless hands . . . I mean, uh, how great that you're easing into right livelihood.
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Emil Jensen, modified 24 Days ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
 Have started work now. Can already feel that the rythm is entirely different even though I've been working from home thus far this week. Especially in the evenings I'll have to use a little bit of determination to get to sitting as I'm just a little more tired and wanting to just chill the f out and go to bed. Using your brain is actually hard...who'd have known?

But! Regarding meditation there seems to be a new theme in town. I am getting more bored with the concentration practice as opposed to a while ago when I almost obsessedly upped my focus game. Now I'm leaning more towards vipassana once again and I just follow the flow. I'm nothing but a fallen leaf in the gushing river. Nothing to do but to go with the flow.

I tend to look at my practice these days, like I'm just washing out crap from the mind. I believe this is true as vipassana does have this "purifying" effect. I'm sitting down and once I'm sort of past the comfortable (1st/2nd jhana??) part I get into the fucking shit. I have to just sit there and just take the one unpleasant mind state after the other. Restlessness, anxiety, misery, longing, aversion - ugh! And gently I just observe these states and I observe the subtle difference there is, between being lost in this content or being observant of it. I just sit there and tend to the wound where the pus is slowly oozing out.

Then, a bit later on, perhaps 40 minutes into the sits, I become equanimous. The oozing pus no longer stinks. Or well, it stinks, but I can somehow contain it. It feels a little like I no longer have to touch it, I can just look at all that nasty shit without actually having my nose right in it and without actually being bothered by it. And that's how the sits end. I sit there and equanimously just look at shit surfacing. The restlessness and the urge to get up sometimes become so strong that I almost get lost in it and get up. But I've managed to observe so far and it feels empowering to be able to see these emotions and mind states through. Surely enough, they all end. Often within seconds or a few minutes!

I have a coach call today with Abre. I look forward to talking about how this practice is going. The above is just my take. Perhaps I'm overlooking something important. Perhaps pus is not oozing out, maybe its oozing in? 
 
George S, modified 24 Days ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 1483 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Big life transition, not to be underestimated. Will naturally take a while to settle into the new rhythm ... emoticon
Sam Gentile, modified 24 Days ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 988 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
Just observing mind states is a good thing and if you are frequently ending up in equanmity, that's wonderful. I have a meeting today with Abre too!
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Emil Jensen, modified 23 Days ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
 Yes, I agree Sam. I'm very glad you sent me over to Abre. She really is a good coach! Really knows how to turn my knobs and change my meditation in a beneficial way.

Yesterday we actually talked about concentration vs. jhana. Personally I don't know anything, I just flounder around and one day I guess I'll be an enlightened badass lol! But she's pointed out a few times that it seems I have good concentration and lean more to the jhanic side of the meditation. I hear her say that and I'm like "huh? I have good..well, anything? I'm a badass, yes I'll admit that, but I have zero skill. It's all looks, honestly. Those are on point but really, I could get a lot more into that but nvm, anyway, I don't know how to meditate.". Then she be like " Oh is that so? Well, then try THIS!" And then she instructs me in something and then boom! I get knocked out from powerful jhana punches straight to the face. I'm paraphrasing ofc, just to be clear.

But anyway, something funny happened. Not funny like "oh, that's funny". No, literally "ha-fucking-HA" funny! For three meditations in a row since my coaching call last night I've been having full blown, powerful giggle attacks! They seem to last for at least 5 minutes with intensity peaking about midway. And it takes only like a minute to get into it from when I begin. Today I was not working from home, I was in the clean room wearing one of those space suits and just happened to have a break between doing some processes. Loud noises aside, I decided to meditate to give my mind a rest. What do you know - about 10 seconds into following the breath, I start smiling from ear to ear. Another 10 seconds and I'm shaking from the chuckles.

I'm overwhelmed with positive-laughter-joy-laughing energy! I don't know but I think there may be some dhamma involved here or something. What do I know, I'm just a badass.

Interesting also to observe how annoying this pleasant joy/laughing state is. It's way to high energy. I'm like "can I just get a rest here, pls?" If I wanted to laugh all day long I'd be..idk smoking joints with ma homies or sumtin?! Waddap wadaap..

Needless to say, although I'll say it anyway, the energy is pretty high around these parts of dhamma town atm. Noted, next!
 
Martin, modified 23 Days ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 253 Join Date: 4/25/20 Recent Posts
The giggly stuff is funny, isn't it? Nobody told a joke, no good news arrived, and yet here I am giggling like a schoolboy after his first doobie. The mind knows how to do more than just think. 
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Emil Jensen, modified 23 Days ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
I'm seriously thinking about those t-shirt right now.... I think it was Mr Tim Farrington who suggested that a  phrase I articulated in a previous post,

"AAARARRGHRGHAGHRHH",

could be a good print for a dhamma shirt. It could be in a speech bubble coming from this buddha figure with fire in his ass, smoke out the ears, tears running from the eyes and a big goofy smile on his face, running across a cornfield of beautful flowers, turning the whole thing muddy from the violent sprint across the field, rainbows and thunderclouds in the background.
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Emil Jensen, modified 22 Days ago.

RE: Dhamma Badass Chronicles

Posts: 232 Join Date: 7/16/20 Recent Posts
The high-state has worn down. Thank goodness. 
I had my last giggle spree during last night's sit and then it seemed to be done with whatever it came to do.

This morning my meditation was completely changed. Very boring, very still, quiet, light, good level of awareness...is this low EQ? It would make sense since I'm coming from sitting through so much shit, i guess??

Funny transition tho.. a huge laughing spree and then onto a new phase.

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