(Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

(Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
(This thread is a practice log during my recovery from injury)

Hi allow me to introduce myself. I used to post here a few years ago when I was a bit younger.

A lot has happened since then. One big experience was my brother overdosed. It completely changed my life but it was not the most painful thing I have experienced. I can't sugarcoat it but it was and is ripe with conventional insight. As an aside, the mystical states from psychedelics were worse. And the two goenka retreats I did were nothing comparatively. If I'm being self-honest right now, I'm sorry for boasting.

 During that time I graduated from a Buddhist College. And a few months before he died I formaly quit meditating.

 I actually quit for 5 years. Another big change, I got a job in the medical field helping people. It's not a great organization and I'm pretty burnt out from it.

 Back in April I formally began meditating again and I came out blazing. Within three months I logged about 100 hours, but the quality of some of those hours is questionable. I think the reason I started was because work was getting so stressful that I needed a reason to cope. I also remember on a slow day thinking I need something to entertain myself, so I downloaded MCTB1, on my phone. I remember I used DuckDuckGo to search and download it off some random website. Then like a week later I had learned that the second version came out and I lost my shit, I was so excited.

 To paraphrase Daniel Ingram, he said that meditators who are Dark Night Yogi's have a weird combination of zealousness and hatred for meditation. I can't help but think that my quitting for 5 years kind of resonates with the hatred part and my meditating like a crazy person correlates to the other thing. 

One other thing he said is that 10 minutes of great meditation is better than an hour of sloppy or lazy meditation, sorry if I am paraphrasing again.

Anyway, one week ago I broke my foot. It has kind of set me up for this new phase. I was upset in some ways at first and had to come to terms with what I was going to go through. But now I am happy that I have much more time for things like YouTube, sleep, reading books, and of course meditation.

 I also recall several times where I was praying either for myself or Humanity. And I think it might correlate with desire for Deliverance. In any case I kind of see this as a result of that. I used to feel like that something was helping me, guiding me along in life. And I still do to some extent. But that is the gentle part of it. When I was praying for something or someone to help me fix my life I imagine a slap in the face. Besides that I had lost power for about 4 days right before I broke my foot, incidentally forcing me to see my family more, which is good and I was happy about.

 needless to say I have a lot of problems in my personal life, what you I have been working on for the last 10 years, and will continue to do so. I just remember when my brother died how safe I felt, and how guilt-free I felt as a human being. In the original sin sense. And similar with this.

 It's forcing me to slow down. In addition I have to meditate completely differently. And I have to evaluate my craving, aversion and ignorance around meditation practice, when I approach it.

Now that I am doing it 10 or 20 minute sessions, it's way better quality. When I broke my foot I fantasized meditating a shitload of hours every day, and maybe some days I will, but this seems to be where I am at. And it's similarly humbling that I'm not able to meditate like and my fantasy, as it is to humbly not being able to walk around as much.

​​​​​​​This is going to be at practice log and a nice fun journal for me. If you want to ask questions that is cool. And if other people read it and enjoy it and that is similarly cool.
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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So a normal sit, I just sit for 10 minutes and note rapidly.

I reread the 3Cs, with an emphasis on dukkha and anitta. Because I've neglected them. I also am rereading the 7 factors.

I tried doing a meditation with an emphasis on dukkha. The one I neglect the most. The novelty of it made those sits super interesting ♡

I'm not really sure what I'm doing any more. Rationally I believe reaching SE would be super beneficial. Its also fun to work towards it. I dont overtly crave it anymore, but I really want some success in a wholesome helping way. I want to be more useful to people.

But higher amounts of hours is hard to manage. Perhaps what I will end up doing. Is improving quality of shorter sits. And work up to slightly longer ones.

When I first rebooted practice, I was eager to settle into longer sits.

On the sensate level its worth investigating my aversion to practice. I wish I were practicing more. I wish I wasn't as lazy. Etc.

I should be greatful for what I have. I am where I wanted to be in meditation. I can note 10m continuously w/o distraction. I can get up to several stages in TMI. The next thing to study is the hindrances in both books. That's one thing I was never super interested in, but its pointing at a blind spot for me.

The next thing practice wise should be more tranquil equanimity sits, shamata-wise. (Or if I chance into ñana 11, that counts too)

Just doing more nostril sits, fir 20-30m, sounds fun. The first time I fathomed I was in jhana territory was in april doing full body breathing, looking at swirling colors in room at night. Then in may, I got in similar weird states using the nostrils.

Anyway, I think letting it out is helping get the gears turning. Thanks for letting me vent and a place to vent: DhO posters and operators. ♡ :]
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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20m

All this typing making me want to sit.

Moderately successful. Doing some noting, settling in and feeling out the breath.

Focus lightly on nostrils with awareness of entire field. More attention on what's presenting the strongest.

Mind wandering. Sleepy time of day.
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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20m

A nice concentration based practice. Focusing on nostrils and expanding to other respiratory areas. Later in the sit I opened to a bit more vipassana. Before finally getting really tired, saying hello to the ignorance kilesa.

I was seeing some cool mental imagery.

I saw a moose walking along, and a giraffe come up and kick it.

At first I was like, oh yeah of course the giraffe is kicking the moose. Then I regained some consciousness and was like, wait. In what environment do moos and giraffe interact, and would a giraffe actually kick a moose.

I extended the meditation by about 15 minutes.

Being that I was laying down for my foot, and low energy, I started to fall asleep.  
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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I am so lazy now that this has happened.

Given the option to watch a lot of youtube all day, I WILL.

Hopefully someone gets something out of this. I feel like I'm clogging up the DhO (a website I consider sacred almost), with my nonsense.

Anyway.
I had to force my self to do a meager 20 minute sit, lounging on a sofa. Eyes open. Im trying to break old meditation preferences. I try not to use earplugs anymore. And do more eyes open. I feel like I'm getting barely any momentum currently.

Also, since I'm off work, that habit of being mindful at work is gone. It's harder to get that going at home currently. 

I did just experiment with sitting on the cushion with my walker-aircast on my f00t. This could be a game changer.
George S, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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finding-oneself
I feel like I'm clogging up the DhO (a website I consider sacred almost), with my nonsense.

​​​​​​​The only thing that is sacred is your practice!
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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That's a really good statement. emoticon 


Yes. My practice is the thing that is sacred. Not the website. The website doesn't sit and meditate. 

​​​​​​​
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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30m

I did my first formal sit with the boot on. I wanted to get it to work, boot off, but I dont know if medically that's a great idea.

In any case, it "worked". 

At first I noted at varying speeds to get my kazoo player calibrated. Then I could hear the symphony (analogy of kazoo player in MCTemoticon.

Any time I noticed I had wanders for a good chunk I noted it. Sometimes with a whole sentence welcoming me back.

I felt intense loneliness, and just sat with it physically. By the end if the sit it was gone. The feelings also sparked memories, which also sparked more loneliness. So I got a good feel for it with an insane degree I'd clarity.

When a train came by, I just focused on how it feels in the body. All sensations, physical and auditory.

Things were going to fast for noting at that point. And I began peeling away layers of various body sensations. 

At some point did like 2 minutes of checking in with the 7 factors of awakening. It seems to help.

Sits like these always remind me why I like meditation from a different perspective. I got into this to attenuate suffering. But theres the other side of understanding consciousness. 

Like, jesus it's crazy. If this is what it's like right now. I cant imagine what future phases of practice might look like.

Also, there really is something to the posture. I think that, good technique, and energy levels contributed. 
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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~~ 90m

Best sit in weeks. Feeling like shit, burnt out on youtube again. I am lying down with my foot propped up.

I set the timer for 15m. But I keep going. intention to maybe do 15 more.

It was just a really I dont give a fuck sit. In a high EQ sense. I learn to integrate the lessons from that phase, into any and every mind state.

I read earlier today
In order to awaken. You have to completely trust your surroundings. (Physical room, house, immediate outside surroundings)
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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I didnt practice that much today.

I read a lot of stuff on the DhO. And I finished up reading the 5 Hindrances chapter from The Mind Illuminated. I took notes. The whole process took a good 1 & a half. (shakes head*)

I sometimes feel I've been screwed in the mental speed and memory department. I'm super jelous of anyone who is a naturally great at that.

"Its not fair" = Aversion.

"Judgement/rejection" = Aversion.

Apparently the antidote is joy or whatever.

I want meditative joy, so I can look haters in the eye with a calm expression of kindness and understanding. That's my fantasy anyway.

All of this is culminating in a more shamatha, TMI based, approach. I think its time for a bigger dose of tranquility & concentration. Centering! When I read that as an alternative translation of the the thing, it made more sense and clicked.

I need something to energize motivation. If you notice, the above is a training in morality goal. I need to trick my system that I'm not working toward a cessation event. And some if the shamatha states I had were trippy, so that's a goal. But they only arise if I am equanamous and not grasping them, so that goal too is slippery.

On my meditation log there was suddenly an unusual long streak of concentration days. And high quality to boot. It was correlated with the second week of reading TMI, I believe. It starts tomorrow. Wish me luck. I hope this will hold me accountable. I'm gonna do a minimum of one week centering meditation. This will hold me accountable.
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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It feels like. I don't really have that much control what direction this goes.

I tried doing concentration but it didnt pan out.

I bravely set my timer for 1hr. And ended up doing 75min. Quality meditation.

At first I just sat down with eyes open. Bathing in my own suffering. Just dripping with hurt. Somehow, some radical form of acceptance, plus directed attention, lead to breaking through to a more peaceful experience. It didnt even take that long. Maybe 15 20 min. 

Then I continued in EQ most likely. I did try for centering meditation and maybe was a bit successful. Not sure. But my attention was good nearly the whole time.

I noticed I do way better in the sitting posture. And my best sits on this page, we after high dose of coffee or yerba maté. 0.75L of 20ish grams of beans, approx 6 tbsp maté leaf. Not every day though that fucks up the effects.

Also, on noting. It doesn't work out for me for long sits. And I cant sustain rapid noting. Even occasional noting is a problem. Sometimes though I can gently note. As long as the note kind of arises automatically. I'm pre-SE but the noting itself is not-self. The arising of it. The sound of it. The attention on those sensations its referring to, and the sensations that make it up. Even the sensations in the throat that represent my biology wanting to physically vocalize. 

I cant do all that shit during fast noting. That's not entirely true, I've sort of seen it before, but its uncommon.

Its like everything smooths out. And 1 or more of the 3cs are noticed. And I slide up the EQ ñana. Yep. (Contented exhale)
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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Got another 25er in. It was a really dont care mood. With ok levels of awareness. Lower specific attention on objects.

It is amazing and almost scary how different my mood is on depending on meditation.

This sit I didnt have any other intention than trying to relax. And I was relaxed going into the sit. I was also feeling like practice is doable again. On that note it's scary how my confidence varies between apparent gravity of ñana that day.

And interesting note. I always wake up in a bad place. Whether I have been meditating or not. Even on retreat I woke up terrible. Within 30 minutes I was in EQ and then I spent the rest of the day there. Surely this means SE is doable. I just answered my own question. 

It's just a matter of learning how all states are workable and what to do in them. I have no simple tools for each ñana. It's all dynamic and different things work at different times.

Its easier to do vipassana in the dark night and progress up the crest if the wave. Its harder to do concentration meditation to calm my way out of it. However it is super interesting and novel when that happens. That's why I like TMI. It makes it so something different happens.

Another problem is laziness and rather doing other stuff than meditate.

I like getting to EQ. But a lot of times by the time I get there I don't want to meditate anymore. Also I sometimes feel good at that point and want to just enjoy feeling good.

In general I think I'm on the right track. My life is and had been such a mess that I just have to intuit what to do. As bad as I feel it is I have made tremendous progress. So I'll take this opportunity to remind my self to not be so hard on this mammal.

Actually, now I remember the coolest thing during that last sit was thinking a similar thought. And I happened to be looking near this mammals chest. And in said chest I felt LOVE light up inside it. I love that.

That motivates me to practice. I just need to remember my motivators besides awakening itself. The better I am at meditating the more I can be of use to these beautiful people in my life. 
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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20m Concentration ♡♡♡

I did it! 

At first I focused on my nostrils tightly the loosed up a little bit. I got lost on thoughts several times and came back. It occurred to me I must have been up pretty high near the upper parts of my TMI stages cutting edge. ( I'm still rereading thru/making notes from TMI. I'll compare later)...

Eventually I got the third eye pressure thing and naturally focused on it too. Then also some pressures on scalp. I just let it rest naturally with what seemed intuitive. I had no idea where I was in the stages of insight. The point of these sits it to unwind me. I can get so wound up and obsessed with progress that I need this. 

First one like that since probably May. I feel way more confident now that this has occurred. Awakening is only possible this moment. I laugh at my self how absurd it is to get pissed of that I'm not in EQ ñana, because awakening can only occur when that stage is present. So my mind is like: there is no point in meditating unless you are in at least low-EQ". So rediculous heh heh heh.

On the term "wet" vipassana. How wet is enough? Well I realized that part of my motivation and unfortunately even self-esteem, is tied up into how "trippy" my meditations are. Apparently it's hard for me to consistently walk myself into trippy EQ territory, and of a certain intensity. But in this case I was able to get trippy effects in 10 minutes. It's not just the pressure on my head, it's the 3Cs and effortlessly "being headless" as Sam Harris puts it.

The ironic thing is I have always gotten "trippy" effects. I had visual static and other visuals pre-A&P somehow.

And the third eye felt when I was 15. 5 years before my A&P. I definitely dont understand that. And I have no reason to think I went through an earlier A&P. I kind of think, when I was a kid, I did some light concentration exercises, basking in both the warmth of a heat vent, as well as the sound. The sound of heat or AC calms me down to this day. I'm not sure if it was actually an absorption or anything but I do remember it felt calming and euphoric.

So anything I can do to teach my sub-minds that this stuff is the norm, and ain't going anywhere, is really good and healthy.

Speed and low effort is key to keeping all those minds motivated. I'm a sloth.

In the relative side. I haven't slept well since Saturday night. I'm working on fixing that. I'm really sensitive to bad sleep.

One last note: when I wake up, even if I don't meditate or meditate well, I still process the bad feelings/anxiety and feel a lot better after a few hours. IDK how much is ñanas or other stuff. But it makes sense to do acceptance vipassana with directed attention. Bouncing between tiny objects build scaffold. And feel out bigger flowing objects to get some of that continuous attention going.

This morning I didnt meditate well due to sleep. I spent my time reading and being neurotic and uncomfortable. The anxiety mostly when away though. Then as soon as I sat down on the cushion, I settled in easily.
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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I am strategizing about a good protocol. Maybe a bit of that dukkha, acceptance meditation in the morning. 

If I fail to do that soon enough, by the afternoon I should do 20m concentration 

Evening 20m concentration.

Night. Open ended timer, vipassana. Or 10m rapid noting.

The key is at least 2 20m concentration practice, to get skill building and gain confidence/ attenuate excessive neuroticism and dissatisfaction with practice. Anything extra is a bonus.
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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ok I got my two in.
My first one was making my really sleepy and I was lying down. I kept getting that strong dullness pleasant reverie thing.

Something fucking weird happened. I was in the almost falling asleep state. The my mind said "action!" Like a fucking director and then I was suddenly more wakeful, adrenaline and rapidly flashing strobe light effect.

I like cataloging the weird shit. I like this one and the moose thing I wrote about.

This also made recall a fond memory. On my first goenka retreat, I saw in my minds eye silly realistic animals in top hats. ♡
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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So unrelated to meditation I decided to buy some weed.

I never really got great effects from it aside from the first few months I used it. I believe psychedelics did something to me physiologically, neurochemically, genetic maybe, no idea. But ever since then weed makes me very nervous.

Despite that I think it has great effects on the body. In any event I tried it this time around and I'm blown away by how much more control I have mentally.

I see myself freaking out and I just note it. and it reduces. If I want I can do therapeutic work. And I can even induce formidable somatic sensations that remind me of classic pyschedlics.

The only thing I found that improved practice directly from the cannabis was how much it relaxes my body. At that point I had lied down on the floor and felt myself settle in immensely. In that posture I felt my body totally relax. I still felt myself freaking out internally but because the body was so still I had tremendous clarity.

I measured the dose and its roughly 2.5mg last night. And today it was 0.60mg, followed by 0.3mg booster hours later.

I feel like this is a barometer of practice. Like I said I have never had this happen before.

It's still a challenge and I have no intention to keep doing it because of that. But I think im going to do this each week until I'm back to work since it seems therapeutic as well as a fun experiment. It also gives me the hope that one day I will have the correct set and setting to work with true-psychedlics again.

Coincidentally enough I read a post on here that relates to the way shinzen young teaches. The reason its coincidental is because I just bought his book. I'm feeling excited and optimistic about practice at this point, how I felt when I started reading and benefiting from TMI. A final thought is I had watched the "Richard the Arhant" video. He mentions patience in the video. Ive had the knowledge and feeling that I am super neurotic about time. Since then I've watched the video though I've used patience as a mantra. It seems like I'm so fucked up about it that it's in pretty much every activity.

I think that's why the cannabis is therapeutic. It gets rid of the impatience and replaces it with fear (lol).
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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I took several days off but discovered something really crazy. I hadn't thought I had crossed the arising and passing away, since the first time... unless it was subtle.

But I had this dream. I've had these weird dreams that trigger me to become lucid or partially lucid. 

I was under a balcony and then I realized I could fly, I rockected straight up but the dream was not consistent with normalcy. When I had hit the ceiling, I still had the kinesthetic experience of rocketing up. But I didnt break through the wood material. Suddenly my vision warped as if going through a black hole, first wood grain/brownish then dissolved into black. It was the most apparent "unknowing event" I had ever experienced.

All this time I've been crossing the A&P in sleep.

This happened during the 2 days I wasn't mediating.
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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I just finished doing a 1hr sit. I think the magic formula is getting some reclining meditation in. I have a lot of hormonal energy and it gives it a chance to settle down without the tension of muscles holding me up.

It was very physically painful as I'm still sleep deprived. Normally I suck at those sits but it was great today. I was only derailed a few times at the start.

Its slippery adding coffee when I'm this painful and anxious but it worked. I'm like paradoxically falling asleep but simultaneously aware. I was deeply feeling the "falling asleep" sensations in my face while not falling asleep, at all. A plateau of wakefulness when normally I start nodding. 

The technique was free form broad awareness. It really goes with the posture. I need to work more if that in. It's easier for me and I'm better at it then the more structured forms. I had been challenging myself and doing more structured medition. I think that had built me some momentum.
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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Wow, I had to take a second to appreciate and share how much better I feel. I really noticed after I got up...

My plan is to balance long free form open vipassana, with more structured shorter sits.

Just keep living my fucking life as I do. And meditating next to it. I need to appreciate my life here and now. Instead of future goals. 
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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Roughly 30m

I'm beggining to think I am having a thing happen where I'm changing my mind on how meditation is organized in Daniel's book and his opinions on the three trainings. 

In my experience there is overlap between them and morality ON the cushion.

In general mind wandering and getting lost in thought is bad. But analytical meditation and psychological thoughts may prove invaluable on calming the system and increasing motivation.

​The Sit: I'm basically sitting here breathing hot fire. My lungs hurt, my throat is hot, even my nostrils burn. And the infamous sensation of suffocating.

IMMEDIATELY prior to meditation I thought put loud about my situation and what to do. DURING the sit, it was samatha-vipassana mixed with periods of contemplating. It was interesting having a prayer type feeling meditation arise. I want more of that.

The bell went off and I proceeded to continue doing a more vipassana type method, and with far less mindfulness, more dullness and more mind wandering.

In all it's a successful sit. I feel marginally better than before, in a physical sense. But in a spiritual sense I feel A LOT better. 
George S, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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finding-oneself
In general mind wandering and getting lost in thought is bad.

​​​​​​​It happens to everyone, but it is good that you are noticing!
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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Thanks! I sure appreciate the support.

I'm glad to say I'm getting more confident in the "realm" of mind-wandering. I see my relationship with the subject much less neurotic than it has been. I see it as ok.
George S, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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Yeah sometimes people think (!) that they have to get rid of thoughts, but there's nothing wrong with thoughts per se (even "bad" ones). There's only a problem when thoughts are taken to be somehow "more real" than they actually are relative to the other senses. It sounds trivial to say that thoughts are "just thoughts", but there's a ton of suffering that automatically lifts as that simple insight sinks in. There's all sorts of thoughts occuring naturally throughout the day, mediating whatever needs to be done without a problem, and then the thought arises 'that's a bad thought' or 'I shouldn't have thought that' or 'why can't I stop thinking' and suddenly it's seen as a problem.

If you ever find yourself trying to stop thinking during meditating, it's an interesting exercise just to let the minder wander where it wants and watch the thought stream with curiosity ... Where do thoughts come from? Where do they go? What's the relationship between one thought and another? What's the relationship between thoughts and the other senses? Which thoughts are necessary and which ones are incidental? What's the relationship between thoughts and language? Whose thoughts are they anyway? Is there just one big communal language/thought space? etc.
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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Wow. That is super deep, and fun to contemplate. I came back to carefully slowly read each sentence.

I'm tempted to say I have overcome the phase where I think I have to get rid of thoughts. But I probably am not.

I do know, I have a big problem with getting lost and stuck in neurotic thought loops, ruminating. Its terrible. It tends to include content from work. The worst part is the feelings it generates. 

It's so powerful, I called it "anti-meditation".

The rumination feels as bad as mediation (can) feel good, and they are both mental phenomena with somatic comonents.

I think what you wrote can really help with that.
George S, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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I used to experience it like this – unpleasant thought arises, causing unpleasant feeling, more unpleasant thoughts, feeling worse etc. E.g. if someone said something to me and I felt annoyed but didn’t acknowledge the feeling, then later the memory would come up and I would feel anger, and then before I knew it I would be thinking about my parents and feeling even more angry!

Now I really see it as the other way round – if there’s an unacknowledged feeling of anger somewhere in the body, then I will tend to put myself in situations where I’m likely to get annoyed! (or remember such situations, or think “angry thoughts”) The feelings are generating the thoughts.

When feelings are acknowledged in real-time then there’s usually not a problem – it’s just an immediate signal. Is there a threat? If so respond appropriately, if not move on. Over time the signal-to-noise ratio tends to improve.

Neurotic thought loops and constant rumination are typically due to suppressed feelings. E.g. if a kid is subjected to a lot of anger or shaming, they are usually in a situation where emotions are not acknowledged in a healthy way and it’s not safe to respond, so the emotions get pushed down and form a physical/energetic knot in the body, which grows and takes on a life of its own over time. Opening up awareness of the body in meditation tends to loosen such knots and start releasing the old suppressed feelings, which can actually make them feel much stronger (because you are really feeling them for the first time) and can make the rumination seem worse (because you can’t avoid it any more with distracting behaviors or whatever). It feels terrible, but actually it’s a good sign that the practice is starting to work!

Sometimes there can be an idea that meditation is supposed to be quiet and feel good all the time, and that if there’s a lot of thoughts and it feels bad then it’s bad meditation. Nothing could be further from the truth! Ajahn Chah used to say there is no such thing as bad meditation. Meditation is about opening up to whatever is being experienced in the moment … Hmm that’s interesting, crazy neurotic thought loop today. What’s that about? Where’s that going? What’s underneath? Oh, what’s that feeling of tension in the stomach? Hmm, it’s more like a burning ball of fire. Oh wow, that’s anger, I never really felt that before! Let’s see what that really feels like, I’m open to the experience, show me what you’ve got anger my old friend …

There are more structured ways of doing this kind of work, and if there is serious trauma then professional help might be needed, but that’s what it really boils down to – feeling emotions in the body rather than thought loops in the head.
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

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"It feels terrible, but actually it’s a good sign that the practice is starting to work!"

That's a huge relief. A lot of these markers of progress that feel shitty or like back-sliding are encouraging.

"There are more structured ways of doing this kind of work, and if there is serious trauma then professional help might be needed, but that’s what it really boils down to – feeling emotions in the body rather than thought loops in the head."

It really helps simplify it to just come back to the body. I remember the Re-Observation chapter recommends using physical objects to help get though it.

It's kind of another relief in the same vein as above
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I'm brain storming my mostly helpful one-word list right now so far:
  • Centering 
  • Prayer-feeling technique
  • Patience, equanimity 
  • 10 minute rapid noting
  • Dukkha as a barometer for effectiveness of practice 
  • 3rd eye, scalp, visual field
  • Checkin-in each sense door
  • Nostrils 
  • Annealing the physical body
I could probably write more but thats enough for me right now. A lot of this stuff is meant to be a mental reminder in my head so when I look at it, it will be like a pit-fall to safety.

Likes nostrils, I remember that when I'm meditating, and the right factors are aligned at the moment. That yes, lasering in on the nostrils is a technique, remember? And yes, right  now is one of those elusive times where it will work... yay! I can practice that at the moment.

And the last one. "Annealing the physical body" I try to melt all the parts off the body together. It works in general. And it helps when my breathing is fucked up like I described. It's an attempt to melt the good feelings into it. And to bleed the bad feelings away into surrounding tissue. It is equivalent to my idea of "centering" at times. 

​​​​​​​♡
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
Its SHOCKING how fast I just bounced back. 

I am pleased to say I think meditation this time around has stuck...

I had a few days of bad habits and disappointment. And low and behold a live Michael Taft youtube meditation pops up. I click it literally out of loneliness, maybe 30% so. : )

He told the viewers to meditate as Samantabhadra. It pretty much instantly worked. Like I was lying there with eyes closed and I felt like a buddha.

 I joined late so I caught the end of this part. He said to visualize a point in your heart radiating outward infinitely.

Well since I'm apparently getting a gradually better resolution of sesante physical space I could see what I was doing, and it was amazing. I at first tried feeling a chunk about the size of a pea, which didnt work. Then I just felt the entire chest area inside and out. Then it hit me that a point, a mathematical point, is a zero dimensional object. A pea is not a point. It may represent a point, but it is not one.

These guided meditations are gold. They make my brain force me to experience new things in the process of meditation. I'm blown away. Like I literally know how to "pray" I can kneel in a ritualistic pose like a Jedi or something and actually feel like I'm doing it. I mean like I got the "chi" flowing all over and shit. Or I can connect with the energy of the entire human race, across space and time it feels like it to some degree. I've always had a active imagination, but the physical felt sense is MUCH different than pre-meditation. Yeah, fun stuff.
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finding-oneself, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
This is strange to me.

Anyway. First I was meditating lying down, earplugs, and face mask. No game plan at all. I was feelings overall blah + anxious. Its those feelings where my respiratory system hurts. I was just sitting with it as everything shifted and evolved to see what happens. Anyway nothing happens. Its these painful feelings the whole time. I drift off deeper and deeper and then until I'm not aware that I have fallen asleep. I still think I'm awake. 

I was lying there meditating (somwhat) while also dreaming that I was one reddit, laughing hysterically. But the anxiety was still there. Suddenly I wake up. I'm back with a feeling of uncomfortableness and fogginess, at this point I still believe there is a problem. 

Then I rip the mask off and I recognize the anxiety is gone.

...um wow. So I half fall asleep, dream a little bit. Then when I wake up, smash-cut to the anxiety being gone.


...I dont get it. Was I supposed to be in DN prior to falling asleep and in EQ after? I'm dumbfounded

And that anxiety today was one of the worse variants.

..I guess I WAS in a good mood in the dream. I remember kind of dreaming I was in a depressed-ish mood too. But again, the lauging.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
This post is like an open diary entry. I am speculating on old psychedelic trips of mine, and how they relate to the POI. Its for fun, catharsis, and I think its cool to have up as a data point, in case anyone else happens to be looking for this information.

I never tripped super hard, however I did take massive doses a few times. The only think that prevented me from breaking through was I blacked out. But "greyed" out is more accurate. I entered a deep dream state where I would recall parts of the dreams after. I would say the term 'white out" refers to being so overwhelmed with vision that it saturates consciousness to the point of losing all memory. So grey, is kind of a happy medium.

I think my brain did it as a protection mechanism. Because the power and weight I felt was like a nuclear bomb was about to go off. I literally felt demonic aliens approaching (shudder).

Anyway, I remember this feeling of being on a rocket, with a destination very far away. As "we" approached I got infinitely close but never quite got there. And a related metaphorical experience, I was experiencing being a thread and needle, being woven through fabric. It was a laborious process, but the needle never quite made it through. Both experiences were pointing towards the same thing.

I was thinking maybe the psychedelic kicked me back to the 3Cs, juuuust before the A&P event. As a protection mechanism. That way, it would prevent that thing that made me pass out, from touching upon consciousness.

I think the 3cs and A&P is a metaphor for breaking through to stream entry. (This cant be an original thought). But it explains so much of these "visionary" experiences (I never had any overt visuals, more like day-dream imagery). And more generally, and more useful to me, it explains so much of my psychology to me. And so much of my seeking behavior (outside of seeking dharma insight I mean). Everything I try to do try to deal with the side effects if being a dark night yogi is just a coping mechanism, or a bandaid, and will never quite get me what I'm after.

And in the POI itself. Stream entry is some kind of strange singularity that cannot be flown to by normal means. Or in the needle analogy, it cannot be woven into the fabric of the quilt, by normal means.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
1hr

I tried a newish technique. It was the first time I committed to a full session like this.

I did breath in the belly as the object. I happened to be lying down. And my hands rested on my belly. They became part of the object at times.

My goal was just to experiment and see what it's like to follow that part as the concentration object.

It was easier to focus on, while being bombarded with unpleasant sensations, than the nostrils. However the nostrils are way easier to go deeper with.

I think I can use the belly as a springboard to going deep with the nostrils. The problem with the nostrils is they are hard to use when I have gross sensations of pain in my body. Incedenrally the bulk of the pain is located in the belly. In the past I had found it difficult to make the unpleasantness going away bu focusing on it. But focusing on the breath sensations, the rise and fall, seemed to be ok. And by the end of the session the pain/anxiety was gone or greatly reduced.

At this point I think I'd be good to really hone in on the nostrils.

I made a cup of coffee and am going to read my new Shinzen book. Maybe after I'll try to meditate more.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I followed through with reading and did another 30m session. I tried nostril breathing but it panned out to more general choices awareness full field vipassana.

I read past the part where Shinzens hero got burned alive, and he did Shingon ice retreat initiation.

I feel like this happened to transmit. I am never comfortable with the temp. I had the AC on 70. And it's kind of cooler out now. At first I had the fan pointing at my boot. I was sitting there shirtless burning up. Then I pointed it at my chest. I was freezing. But I kind of inadvertently did the Wim Hof mediation. I felt the warm inside my chest, and crossed legs. I was STILL burning up on the inside, but the freezing on the outside was the only temp related sensation that was painful.

At some point near the end the meditation broke me. I gave in and suddenly I was equanamous with the temperature.

I also felt a floaty open on-self bundle of sensations in my face and chest.

Pretty cool.

I should note, this was a coffee sit as well. It always makes free form vipassana easier.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
30m 

I was able to finally sit entirely without the boot. Albeit I was sitting in couch mode, heavily padded.

I basically felt I had no choice in which direction the mediation went. So it was sort of choiceless awareness, with an emphasis on whole body as the object and being aware of when one gets lost in thought.

I remember I was gonna do belly meditation but as it panned out, I felt I could not force it.

I think a re-reading of the vipassana-zhanas and the progress of insight chapter are due. They really help me.

I've also kind of gotten away from the concept of attention-phase-harmony. But it's a good thing. I need to experiment and see where things go. And thanks to John Yates book (rest peacefully) I now have a helpful notion that a lot of the progress and im integration happens subconsciously. The theory of mind chapters have helped surprisingly well.

Anyway I feel great now. I was walking around cleaning up a bit.

I have/am been depressed throughout the healing process. I'm almost ready to return to work. I think I start with a 2 day work week come next Thursday the 1st. I'm also very anxious about it. But I know after a day or two I'm going to be super greatful to be moving again. I think I'm going to start going to the gym and doing seated upper body exercises. Despite the complexities of my psyche I'm going to return to work with that much more meditation practice under my belt.

And it's not just the accident, I get depressed "globally" about my entire life, the state of the world, anything.

I'm super fortunate that meditation is the one thing that gives me the deepest purpose. The dharma, the sangha, the buddha.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
Brainstorm

Whole body as object

Choiceless awareness

Meditating as the buddha

Gentle body scanning

Having lists like these is helpful for organizing my practice. I know that's obvious. But I get so spacey and sloppy, I never can quite remember everything. After a few more of these I will keep a hard copy to reference before each sit as needed
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
68m

I was laying down with a blindfold and ear plugs. 

I started with broad relaxation. Then after I had calmed down I focused on the rise and fall of my tummy. Probably 10-15m.

The remaining bulk of the session was choiceless awareness.

I thought about what techniques have been most successsuccessful. So I'm going to try to get back to my roots, to what solidly got my into EQ the most. Which happened to be choicless awareness/whole body as object. Also an emphasis on either relaxation or concentration at the start.

Another bullet point:

Posture as object during lying meditation, as strongly as sitting upright.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
These past few weeks, and last few sits, I've been developing a breadth of equanimity. In the last post I referenced getting back to super solidly being in a higher EQ.

I was complaining about being sleep deprived earlier in this thread. But I noticed today I was able to meditate through it without being upset by it, and without focusing on it.

I even read today that shinzen talks about meditation skills growing kn two dimensions, depth and breadth.

It's really another thing that I'd a huge relief. I'm looking for any and all things that will fill my subconscious with hope. And any goals that are rewarding in and of themselves.

When I was lying down earlier, I noticed my goal was just to be gently curious as to what sensations are occurring. Also to relax.

I feel like I am holding the goal of stream entry less aggressively. I cant just delete all the information I've read about it. "I'm not stupid!" My brain says when I try to delete the knowledge of the theory. I've found a better way to work with this thing.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
2x 1hr sits

In these two I just lay down with ear plugs and blind fold. The first sit, after about 50 minutes I made it to EQ very solidly.

I got up and walked around and it was even more obvious.

During the second one I got super sleepy but was in a more sleeping posture on my side. 

I just finished and am very tired. Im sleep deprived. 

It's funny how easy it is to get to EQ when I'm lying down. 
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I did probably 10 15m. I just sat there on the couch.

Then later I paused after reading more Shizens book. The Science of Enlightenment 

I was scripted into a stillness of discursive thinking. I read how he experienced a still mind at the end of a continuously painful meditation retreat.

"It was worth the physical pain... because from that time on I knew what it was like to hear the absence of chatter in my head"

I read that and I was like "huh?", let me try this.

It wasn't the first time I did it. But I know it's highly dependent upon other variables at any given moment.

I think because I'm walking around in EQ all day since my longer sits earlier.

I'm even texting a former coworker, completely stress free. I hate texting. And I especially hate it the less I know someone. I had the thought " is this what the period post-se will be like?".

Not that I haven't walked around in EQ before. It just feels more stable now and less clingy. It should be easy to repeat since I discovered how to arrive here in my favorite lazy posture, and on a BAD day. Sleep deprived. 

This is extremely welcome as I will be returning to work. a source of anxiety. 

I'm just reflecting on the experiences I've had during this time off work, where I had to work with my foot healing. The fact I can now mediate more optimally lying down is a huge gift.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
2x ~1hr 
Moderate amounts of yerba maté tea. Reached EQ

Sit 1

Lying down. Very mind wandery. Caught up a bit by end of sit. Not sure where I was on POI.

sit 2

sitting on meditation cushion with a bucnh of supports. Boot for broken foot not worn.

I did about 30m, I think, then did the rest lying down again.

I began the sit with semi-rapid noting. It even happened automatically. I gave it up eventually in favor of silence. When I was sitting the pain in back was perceived as energy, so I had equanimity towards it. I was relatively calm. Momentary concentration pretty good. 

When I moved to the bed, I continued with good momentary concentration. I got lost in thought a little bit more than on cushion. And had day dream type sensations.

At one point I thought I was Canadian, for several day dreams. I'm American. Not sure what that was about. I've been watching a lot of Norm MacDonald clips, so I suspect a causal connection there.

I even remember my mind thinking it invented a prototype for a better toilet. The "equinox enforcer". It looks like a gamer chair and has an hour glass shaped water bowl. Again, not sure what that's about. Freud would have a field day.

I'm doing the walk around test. Feels very EQ-stage.

Brain storm:

Gently massaging the relaxation/vibrations into other parts of body.

Notice touch of surface as soon as lye/sit down.

​​​​​​​My goals for tonight is to get one more formal hour sit. I always try when I lye down to sleep but I feel like it never works good for some reason. Even though it takes an hour to fall asleep. My other goal is to go to bed early to end this sleep cycle nonsense. Hopefully posting it here gives me a feeling of being held acountable.

EDIT: Ended up going to be slightly early. No formal sit.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
45m sit

I had a breakthrough from listening to Daniel's video on the Three Charachteristics and the Six Sense Doors.

I had a better understanding of dukkha. Before I had been thinking about it wrong. And it may have already been present in my vipassana but I wasn't aware Iof it.

I sat down and hit the bed immediately aware of the touch of cloth and pressure. I realized that's been my blind spot. In the meditation cushion too, but it's worse on the bed because it's more sensation. Not noticing it tends to make me wander.

Within seconds I was very deeply and effortlessly aware of the dukkha characteristic as Daniel described it. I did this solid uninterrupted in huge chunks. Probably my cutting edge in the TMI system. This phase went on 20m, then I got really tires. For the last 10m O sat up supported by the couch back, and meditated sitting up. I also did a mix of eyes opend and closed.

There was no where to go, nothing to do. What I was looking for in meditation is already present in my immediate experience within the 3Cs themselves. I was just lying there effortlessly noticing my mind do its thing automatically. Attention and intention arise by themselves. I felt very fulfilled and satiated, instantly, which also arose by itself. Its like the mental equivalent of watching myself walk automatically.

I have experiences this all before, but reframing it as dukkha seems to have made something stick.

An important note. I feel resistance to doing it all the time. Even though its effortless and automatic. All I have to do is apparently turn the mind towards it. But part of me doesnt want to be aware all the time, even if its effortless. Because I know part of me had the desire to tune out of experience completely and go dark. I'm an ignorance type.


I'm taking a few sloppy notes from the video, so I can understand better. And come back to this:

Dukkha:

"I am this little linear thing that must know, control, do, be subject to, figure out my relationship to, etc"


"The amount of processing power [and perceptual distortio] that takes up, is amazing"

I did not remember anything Daniel said from the video by the time I sat down but it made an impression on me. Looking back at the session, and looking at right now, I can see that letting go of this way way better.

I think I know see why I've been so impatient. Because now I have an actual antidote to it. Patience is one of my bullet points. It's good to see that I've found what actually was the problem.

I'm not even sure what nañas I was in but it didnt matter. Somatically I actually didnt feel great, for large parts of my body, during most of the sit. But it didnt matter.

I totally intend to rewire my entire attitude with this technique. I think the more I do it, the more I will want to do it. In going to try to do it at work as well. I can already do automatic physical activities, but I never understood it as part of dukkha.

Here a summary of the technique: Notice that all mental phenomena arise automatically. There is nothing to you have to do, and nothing to control. Notice how good that feels, and notice how much weight that lifts. And notice how that stuff is automatic and well. emoticon

I think the reason that video worked so well is because when he got to unsarisfactoriness he was like "this is the good one" which was said with so much visceral goodness that it made my ears perk up. /data/user/0/com.samsung.android.app.notes/files/clipdata/clipdata_210926_155520_600.sdoc
George S, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 2189 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
An important note. I feel resistance to doing it all the time. Even though its effortless and automatic. All I have to do is apparently turn the mind towards it. But part of me doesnt want to be aware all the time, even if its effortless. Because I know part of me had the desire to tune out of experience completely and go dark. I'm an ignorance type.

Very good that you are aware of this. We are all like this to some extent. ​​​​​​​Resistance is probably the most important thing you can investigate.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

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Thanks a lot for that George. I think you are very right about that. 

After reading what you wrote, it has reinforced my initial insight. I will certainly pay more attention to this resistance I feel.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
45m

I was having some trouble, very somatically unpleasant. But I just stuck with the technique and it's like 80-90% better. This felt like a real test. I guess you can do vipassana with any sensations.

I have a lot of bad things in my life I wont write about here. But I was skeptical (in the rational sense) that I would ne able to hey stream entry under said conditions.

I just had to get back to my roots. Utter surrender to the fact that everything feels ok. Vipassana is the practice of acceptance of what is, based on the direct knowledge of selflessness, and all apparent sensate problems being resolved/metabolized as soon ad their perceived. C:


Also:
I dont write every session down here...

But ive been having more and more sitting ones, like with a broken foot. It's a good new milestone. And the lying sits are super important because they have shown me surrender and relaxation. And the LACK of cushion sits, has made me not take them for granted. ♡
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
Well I'm almost done with this thread.... I've seen so much value I'll make a new practice log after this week.

I continued trying to be mindful today... I had a 'scary, doctors appointment at 200pm.

By then I would have been formally meditating. But I was watching various videos on YouTube mindfully that either feel good to watch, or are interesting.

I continued doing mindfulness on my way there with a podcast. And when I got there, in my car.

I also meditated in the patient room by myself waiting for the doctor...

I dont have white-coat syndrome. I have social based anxiety and fears...

That's part my fear. I also kind of didnt feel entirely heard by the doctor and I'm sorry to say I had some trauma from my last visit. I have a huge unfortunate problem with communication.

These are ironic because both of these things interfere with work. I want to be professional and do other work someday so I want to over come this.

I feel all this will prime me for ramping up back to work.

I also took my first step without the boot. It feels super weird. I'm glad I have a week of walking around before I go back to work.

So for sure this week, I'm going to do walking meditation. I realized I want to go on long walks... so I'm going to incorporate mindfulness into that. And listen to podcasts during it. I'm excited. I also struggle with laziness and/or mild-depression at times. This is why lying meditation is so good for me. Also why I'm worried about getting the walks in this week.

Edit: I just realized I can probably try unsupported sitting meditation now, as pain permits.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
30m

Very productive day to start with. Many new chores completed to to normal bipedal movement returned.

Ate a giant sub, and had some coffee. Prepared a full gourd of maté. Caffeine and food meant to counter act each other.

By the time I got everything done I felt reasonably better than when I when up, somatic wise. Most mindful time began as I sat down to drink pulls of hot water through the maté gourd.

Sit:

Sufficiently caffeinated I did some super-padded sitting on the cushion.

It was a very physically tense sit. I tried to perceive the muscle activation as energy.

After about 20m I sat down on couch. After about 5 more min, I felt in an interesting slightly altered state. I sat there eyes open unblinking for what felt like a while. My periphery became obviously saturated with white haze. Some in middle too after a few moments.

I watched the dance of everything using the "everything happening on its own" 3Cs mode of perceiving. I watched the back and forth contraction and then dissolving of a controller in my head.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
Oh my god. I made a lengthy post detailing training in morality. And it was not saved haha

I basically poured my heart out. Perhaps its better to be like them Tibetan sand arts those dudes make.

I have some important resolutions.

I agree to
  • Continue regular practice as such
  • To apply these lessons I've learned over the last 7 weeks
  • To seek professional help, it is now time.
  • & to look for a new job this Fall.
♡ Mettā
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
30m

I'm glad I got this one in. Usually no formal later ones lately.

I just lie their sprawled out on the floor. I felt resistance at first but it pleasantly dissipated. I just noticed 6 sense doors, as well as annata/dukkha... and on second thought... yes annica too. Well ok then, I could have just said 3Cs. C:

I noticed the vibrations in my limbs. And I noticed them in my head.

Super happy to note, I noticed them growing in my whole torso. I've been semi-non-intentionally doing this lately. I find that having specific technical goals is hard for me. So apparently loosely holding the goal to spread the tingling seems to have helped, in retrospect. Also relaxation is key. So lying on the floor, or with good supports on the bed.

Any extra on the formal cushion is the cherry on top.

I also meditated through the train which felt good. I actually was concentrating on both the sounds, and house shaking.

Speaking of sound I have been letting a cricket live in my kitchen because I like the sound. This is super cheesy/silly to me but I wished it loving kindness, as well as my self. And even the train as it passed by c:

So right there some good work with various aspects of the practice impromptu.

Now I'm set up to read a bit and go to bed early. Not a bad day...

I also got a 20 minuter in earlier. As well as noticing daily life through various activities. I feel more self-metta right now than I have felt in a long time.

Also reflecting in the entire day, I'm certain I hit EQ 2 at least times on the cushion. Including right now. I can learn a lesson from the fact that this usually blossoms for a bit, or in other words I notice it for the first time, when I formally end the session. Sounds like I just need to relax. C:

EQ may be directly proportional to the  "C:"s  in this thread

God bless.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
~45m

I was sleep deprived. I had a black tea.

I just lie there staring at a clat board with white paper. Then I did some general broad awareness/acceptance meditation.

Somatically not feeling great for most of it, and for rest of day up till now...

I made some espresso to sip on over 1 hour while I carefully re-read the Progress of Insight chapter on Equanimity. It is a very well timed and useful reading of said chapter.

I'm having flashes of what practice was like when I was getting solidly into EQ in 2013/14. And how I solidified it on my 2 Goenka retreats. Re-reading that, and reflecting, I see how my insight was not mature compared to now. I also feel super happy and energized after rereading it. I DID do practice when reading, feeling into my body.

So it seems to practice, when I get to certain stages of EQ it's really just about being gently aware of everything. And repetition. I will learn to notice everything I am missing, but not forcefully. Last night in bed I actually felt somatically GREAT. Calm, no anxiety. But I didn't know what to do, in terms of practice. I couldn't have reread it at a more helpful time. I may or may not read about the later ñanas, because while it will motivate me, it might distract me. Ok, im going to do another sit with the text fresh in my mind.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
36m

I am in EQ as I type this. I am humbled and surprised by this. More so that I was in EQ as soon as I sat down apparently.

I first started on the cushion with good supports.

I was eyes open, no ear plugs. My body was very still. My eyes were kind of darting around a 3×3 circle. I started having "discipline" by limiting it to a point or a vertical line, but I had realized this is not necessary. I realized I do not have to be hyper aware of body movements. I had applied what I has learned from the EQ chapter.

One thing about EQ I will never forget, is a shargrol comment on treating thoughts, as they arise, like how emotions are treated in the DN. This is one thing I played attention to.

I also did some noting, and tried incorporating the notes themselves in space.

As I got up and moved to the couch I continued. It was nice to relax and helped the situation. Then I was having different thoughts and feelings. First a welling up of tears, like that poignant feeling. THEN I got that thing where I fear of insanity. Perhaps a mystical type feeling, reminiscent of feelings on psychedelics years past. Also profound sadness and fear for the state of the world and the future.

I do not think this is dark night. Everything still feels smooth and open as I type. After that I came to terms with the honest fact that I DO NOT want to return to work. But I also have positive feelings about it. It seems the former was required before full feeling of the positive things.

One of the humbling things was my being shown, that the doubts I could get here did not have merit. When I was reading, feeling anxiety, sipping my coffe, I was sure it was not in the cards today.

I sure am learning a lot of good lessons.

Now I have to keep setting my sites on this new territory. Honestly kind of feels like puberty. Even though I've worked with ot before, my DN insight was not mature. And my life situation was different. I get what people mean by it does not feel like meditation. I'm guessing I'm at least at ñana11.jhana3. Or maybe not I've backslid to 11.2, or hell, went forward.

Alright now I'm gonna get me a grounding dinner. I'm going to continue gental awareness and relaxation./data/user/0/com.samsung.android.app.notes/files/clipdata/clipdata_210929_172648_312.sdoc
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I've continued being mindful through some activities.
Then I just did a practice for 25m. It didnt feel that much like practice. Not sure if it was.

But good news I still feel good. By good I mean strong lack of usual somatic maladies.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
10m

I just layed dow with earplugs. I set my timer for 30m. I ended early. I was surprised it was only 10m, it had seemed longer. Within that time the somatic unpleasant feelings were reduced substantially.

I'm not sure how the stages do, or do not overlap with energentic/psychology territory, meaning I dont know the reason the feelings went away so fast.

I took a small break and read up on the EQ posts on the shargol collection website.

Next I just set my continuous timer and lie back down. This time with the blind fold. I had intended to meditate and drift off as far as I could to sleep. When I woke up the timer said 70m. So I probably practiced for 30m. But who knows.

Both sessions were just gentle open technique.

I remember in the first one, and second respectively I felt a weird thump. The first one was in my right foot. And then later in my face. The one in face had an audible component.

The first session I experimented with this moment where my breathing and body got really calm, but my respiratory system felt like it was desperate for more air. Meaning I felt it panicking on the inside. It was interesting.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to work on some digital stuff for work, then I return for in person work monday.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
20m

I felt good and contended before I sat down. I didnt want to sit. I planned it rationally as just a good thing to do.

When sat down I felt very normal. Then I felt aversion to sitting there wanting to do something fun.

So I started just noting stuff. And delicately noticing stuff broadly, as well as sensations in head. I tried a bunch of stuff. I eventually worked through different phases of meditating on the mind stream, fun. Later I opened my eyes. After a few minutes I noticed a bunch of stuff I was missing.

Them I decided it's time to stop "gamifying" things. And practiced giving up entirely. I have a lot of practice with this from the past, it was my preferred beginners technique. It's still super novel and awkward doing it in EQ. I'm working though it though. Its fun.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
09.30.2021

1hr

I did the live Michael Taft guided meditation. I was happy it was doing loving kindness because it gave me an opportunity to be coached, and do something that is more off my radar.

In the past I had the attitude that I will just experience spontaneous love and gratitude on the cushion during insight practice. But this showed me otherwise. It is useful to practice metta, when you feel shitty even.

I was in my weird super tired state/simultaneously too much energy. But by the end it it I was feeling relaxed and alert. One interesting thing was sending the child me some kindness. That seems ripe with possibilities, as does the rest of the practice.

As far as anxiety goes, I will just send myself loving kindness when it happens. Easy.

I was considering asking the forum for meditation tips for anxiety, and working with people. But this seems to have answered it.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
25m

I did a truly "do nothing" meditation as best I can.

I was feeling pretty calm. And this was the first time I meditated today. it is quite a milestone that now I have days like this ocassionally. I have less pressure on myself now to make progress during any given sit. I also have come to see how EQ may be connected with intimacy of experience. And I suspect that's partially why I like to tune out, especially in social situations. One funny thing is that a side effect of this intimacy is a feeling like being tickled on the inside. Its not unpleasant. And it metaphorically feels like I'm being reborn in some way. I love it.

I'm baffled that I might be possibly stabilizing in EQ.

I now practice having the attitude that the ñanas teach me. DN: It feels bad but it will pass, and ironically it's actually ok. EQ: It feels pleasant to neutral/calm. And this conditions the mind to be more equinamous during unpleasant experiences/ gives the mind respite from the difficult times.

I keep thinking that I will be ok. When I get scared I say "this wont kill me"

And I feel that the introduction of metta is getting me back to how I used to be, before life added more layers of hurt. Therefore I can be more caring for people again.

Equanimity and Metra. These are two major keys right now.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
50m

I started out completely lying down with earplugs and blindfold. I initially intended to do noting but within 2 seconds I realized I will be doing broad open awareness without noting.

I was doing ok, the was some dullness but that's ok. I was tired and it is the morning. Later I removed the blindfold eyes closed, and I watched my eyes adjust to the light through the eye lids. Later I did eyes open. I got up to use the bathroom and stayed mindful. 

Then I resumed on the cushion with supports. It feels really good to almost be able to sit how I had used to. The sit itself was difficult. Somatic trouble throughout. But I was able to do a blend of a more samatha approach which was fun. Near the end I noticed how much I wanted the somatic stuff to end. Finally I got to a place where I get the thought "eh, it ain't kill you". Also noticed no-self and the quality that nothing is really controlled.

When I finished I was really surprised it was 50m. I thought it was like 20m. How I feel now is like 70-80% better somatically. I still feel very tired in the face. What's interesting is 5m ago, when the sit ended, I was only maybe 30-50% better somatically. 
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RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I felt pretty bad later that day but it automatically subsided.

20m

I sat on a chair, focusing on the space in the head. And the thought stream. This sit I could focus on the quiet pre-verbal chatter.

Theres a cricket living under my fridge and it's really loud, but I like it. I will keep him under my fridge till he dies. Theres enough crumbs to sustain him in guessing because its been a month. So I was focusing on that I  addition to the mind stream.

I really didnt want to do this sit. I've been noticing the cycles like this. Some days I really want to practice. But other days I dont. I try not to do super long sits on those days. But what I did​​​​​​​ do is focus on the feeling of resistance. I didnt know where it was so I noted 'vagueness'.
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finding-oneself, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: (Practice log) Broken F00t Meditation

Posts: 185 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
17m

I started with a minute of noting. Then did some nostril breathing. I mostly did open awareness, but kept the nostrils in the center. Pretty standard.

Edit: Happy post 111 : P

This practice is continued here, it's my first day back to work:

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/23282091

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