Staying with my girlfriend X Promiscuity

Pavel Pek, modified 1 Month ago.

Staying with my girlfriend X Promiscuity

Posts: 12 Join Date: 8/22/21 Recent Posts
Hi guys I have another yet quite a strange topic to discuss here and to ask your questions about.

Recently, I've been discussing breaking up with my girlfriend. We both communicate about this clearly since we both feel sort of unhappy in the relationship. And yet we feel terribly sorry because we have already planned to have kids in the future, a family and to eventually get married. We somehow don't know where things could have gone astray, but I may actually have a clue. We live in the centre of Prague which is a city that is completely filled with tourists and so many beautiful women. A huge part of me is extremely sexually lustful so much so that I've perhaps never seen anyone quite like me. I would literally like to spend my life engaging in sexual one night stands with women. Due to my OCD, I have however been greatly unsuccessful at that venture during my single life and only very shortly before I've gotten into a relationship have I been able to have very few successes, but they always left me feeling shallow and empty. "It is only because I've had a really big OCD back then, much bigger than I do have now, and so, therefore, I couldn't really enjoy it then, now it would be different", that part of me who wants to spend all the time with women says. However, in psychology, this part would probably get called an archetype of a shadow lover and be pointed out as a not-mature masculine archetype. However yet again, today's culture seems to be promiscuous left and right and this part of me somehow makes me believe that without engaging in it fully, I can never be satisfied nor really enjoy this (hopefully last) life for good. The other part of me takes pride in trying to be like Aragorn from LOTR, trying to be moral, in humility and likes the idea of engaging more in the relationship, believes this could keep it alive and well and entertains even the idea of having kids and a family - as I wrote above, which it never did during my single life in the past. What is this? Are these some archetypes for real as psychology would put it? Is the first part some devil in the Christian sense? I am from a Christian background/family so I am not sure how Buddhism would even look into this, is the first one Mara? Or is it just different parts of the ego fighting each other and so it wouldn't even matter, therefore? 

I've literally never been more lost on any topic in my entire life than on this. I have virtually no clue on how to approach this, on whether the first approach which is to engage sexually with everyone I can find and to thoroughly enjoy "hooking up" which feels so right to do isn't just the same thing as it would be if I would, for example, start indulging in eating too much junk food, watching too much social media or taking drugs or something (which is advised not to in Buddhism as far as I know, that last part - drugs). Indulging in all these would maybe too feel good but I wouldn't do it. So how would it be different? And yet it feels like the right thing to do and like I am attracted to it like a magnet! 

Sometimes when I try to "go for the relationship" but see all the women around this even gives me such an intense depression/sadness due to feeling absolutely zero decision making power regarding this question, that life becomes unbearable. I have no clue in regards to this question, no hint, I feel lost and alone in it with a lot of guidances in my head that are conflicting each other. Which to choose, how to approach it? Psychology optics, Christianity optics, Buddhism optics? I am lost, clueless.
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Staying with my girlfriend X Promiscuity

Posts: 2111 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Why not just tell her how you are feeling?
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Ben V., modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Staying with my girlfriend X Promiscuity

Posts: 373 Join Date: 3/3/15 Recent Posts
Beyond what George said above, which I see as an excellent advice, here's my two cents:

Psychology-wise: At times in what you write you seem to want to make or find some psychological theories about your experience/issue, appealing to archetypes and the like. This sounds like intellectualizing, a subtle defense mechanism in which what you are really doing is avoiding to really face an issue. Intellectualizing is talking about the issue but in an intellectual way that ''helps'' you avoid the emotional dimension of it and/or aspects of the issue you unconsciously want to avoid.
If you want to take the psychological route, I would encourage you to try to talk about your experience in your own words (not looking how theories out there would frame your problem). Active imagination (check it out in Jungian techniques) is a good way to learn to be receptive to what's going on unconsciously. Talking with a therapist (my own bias is to encourage depth psychology therapists, i.s. psychoanalytic type therapies) may be a helpful road. If you cannot do that, active imagination and 'Focusing'(check out Eugene Gendlin) are powerful techniques you can apply on yourself that can help sort things out.  Expressing it in a online board may have limited results.

Dharma-wise: I see the Buddha's teachings as beautifully pragmatic. Good Dharmic questions on one's behaviors, or behaviors one is contemplating engaging in, (check out Rahulovadda-sutta) are: When I act in such or such way, what impact does it have on my life? What impact does it have on my practice? What impact does it have on others around me? Does it lead to well-being (of myself and others) or not? 

These inquiring questions may seem simple but they can be quite powerful. Sometimes we want an easy answer from out there that will tell us ''do this, do that, don't do this''. Not that this latter approach is always bad, but the inquiring questions above puts the responsibility on us to see for ourselves what course of action is beneficial or not. 

Such questions are not meant to guilt-trip (being all faillible humans that we are, we all screw up anyway from time to time in our behaviors). Such questions are really meant as a good practice/training to constantly work on our behavior.  Daniel Ingram says in MCTB that sila (this training in reflecting on our behavior), is our first and last training. I understand this to mean as long as we are alive, we need to ask ourselves those questions and reflections into our behaviors, no matter what level of practice we are. 

Hope this can be a bit helpful in the least. 

Whether it is helpful or not, best wishes to you on your path/journey.
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Jim Smith, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Staying with my girlfriend X Promiscuity

Posts: 1031 Join Date: 1/17/15 Recent Posts
Pavel Pek
Hi guys I have another yet quite a strange topic to discuss here and to ask your questions about.

...
Sometimes when I try to "go for the relationship" but see all the women around this even gives me such an intense depression/sadness due to feeling absolutely zero decision making power regarding this question, that life becomes unbearable. I have no clue in regards to this question, no hint, I feel lost and alone in it with a lot of guidances in my head that are conflicting each other. Which to choose, how to approach it? Psychology optics, Christianity optics, Buddhism optics? I am lost, clueless.


I think the best thing to do for this problem is to see a therapist.

Buddhism can help you become non-attached it could ease your emotional pain and help you make decisions based on compassion and reason rather than out of control emotions. But it could take a long time to reach that point and there is no guarantee you would. Many highly repsected enlightened teachers have been caught up in sexual abuse (and other kinds of abuse) scandals so I am pretty sure Buddhism is not a good place to look for a solution to this problem.


For most people meditation will always be a coping mechanism and not a solution, so I suggest you look for a therapist. They deal with this kind of problem all day every day.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Staying with my girlfriend X Promiscuity

Posts: 5981 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I'll just say this: it's usually not a good idea to have kids for the purpose of saving the relationship. 
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Ni Nurta, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Staying with my girlfriend X Promiscuity

Posts: 778 Join Date: 2/22/20 Recent Posts
I'll just say this: it's usually not a good idea to have kids for the purpose of saving the relationship.
Most people whose parents tried to save their relationship in the way you mentioned would probably disagree emoticon
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Staying with my girlfriend X Promiscuity

Posts: 2111 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
I disagree!

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