I have the capacity for work but I need to get a routine going.  I goto the gym every morning (barring illness or family emergency) without fail and look forward to it the night before.  But as for sitting with myself & my thoughts I fall in & out of practice & lose heart.

I'm tired of suffering, addictive behaviors (mostly involving internet & food stimulation) & the internal confusion & drama in my head.

I spoke with a meditation teacher on the phone, seemed like a nice enough guy but wanted $2k for six weeks of support & I can afford about 1/100th of that as I'm a stranger in a strange land with no work visa with a budget of a few hundred £'s a month for food at this moment in time.

Just looking for someone in my same boat (or farther along or even less far along) who wants to email maybe once a week to keep each other on track, or speak on the phone, whatever.

I think we're wired to not want to dissapoint each other but no one in my life meditates (altho I'm sure my family wouldn't mind if I become a bit more chill & less dissassociated).

About of auotbio, as I said in another thread, I'm 43yo (44 in a few days) American living in the UK with my girlfriend, her dad, her 4yo daughter from a previous relationship & our 1yo baby.  I'm busy with the kids all day and I do some work for my gf's mother but not much, I have time to practice when the kids are alseep (and I have an hour to myself in the morning where I goto the gym but I could get some meditation in there also).

I have have chronic digestive distress which I've given up trying to trying to understand medically but stress eating choclate & stuff doesn't help and socially I'm very isolated (which I won't blame on covid or being alone in a foreign country, I've dealt w this my whole life) so I try to fulfill social needs via the internet which is a mixed bag habit, I've learned alot off of YouTube for instance (including finding Ingram & this forum) but as I'm sure I don't need to explain it's also a great way to dissassociate from one's body, present circumstances & kill lots of time.

I want to feel like I'm making progress in meditation, I usually start up with a bang, feel some small benefits but then increasingly grow bored & irritable with the process.  It'd be nice to have some reward to know I'm on the right path, or even a scary dark-night.

I discovered online there's a retreat center 45min from me but if I can barely sit for 20 minutes there's no way I could sit for hours & hours & hours plus I'd be leaving my gf alone w the kids without help & unless I come back all enlightened & calm & peaceful it wouldn't be worth it.

Eventually I'd like to do something like that.  Or, while I'm dreaming, go out on a boat totally alone & meditate hours a day there for a week or two.

I tend to get myself into situations in life where I'm stuck.  I'm bored, don't know where I'm going, so I get myself into situations where I'm stuck but of course I still don't know where I'm going then... ( I suppose it's not so uncommon, like the talking heads song) And now I'm responsible for life (have the baby plus a 14yo w a terrible mother back in the States & my gf's 4yo) so it'd be nice to become less f-ed up so I could be a better father. 

Anyway, thanks for listening.

I'm obviously going to try to do this on my own as I've been trying for last 20 years or so but if anyone wants to jump on the bandwagon with me feel free to reach out.

Cheers,
Tony

If you feel inclined to, you could start a meditation log in here, and tag me in it whenever you post.

That way the general community might benefit via open learning.
You would also have arhats like Shargrol, Adi Vader, Ingram and others looking over your shoulder, so to speak, and perhaps offering feedback.

If you commit to posting regularly, I will also commit to punishing you if you fail to, by posting images of sad pugs to reflect my hurt feelings.

I second that. Meditation log could be great. I'll chime in. 

More buddies is better than one!

Ok thanks.  I'll start a log tonight.

 I thought it might be useful to mention that a way in which meditation can bring an end to suffering, addictive behaviors, internal confusion & drama in the head, is by giving us a chance to learn how the mind works. If you can see what is going on, it is much less dramatic and confusing, and there is much less chance of being fooled into believing that an addictive behavior can bring happiness. It works. I mean it really, really works. 

And you are on the right track when you observe "I have the capacity for work but I need to get a routine going. I go to the gym every morning (barring illness or family emergency) without fail and look forward to it the night before. But as for sitting with myself & my thoughts I fall in & out of practice & lose heart." That's an insight. That is knowledge of how the mind works. And it is knowledge that you got through meditation practice. Before you started, you might have imagined, for example, that once you started sitting it would be really cool, and you'd be totally into it. But for many of us, the first thing we find out is that sitting still with nothing to do sucks. We also find that even though we decided to sit still for x number of minutes, we often can't. Or, even though we decided to sit every day, we don't. So we are not really in control of how our mind feels or what our body does. And you know this from direct experience.

Your current instinct is also genius. You've seen this stuff and so, based on knowledge you gained around the gym, you are trying to change the conditions around meditation, to make it more likely to happen, in the same way having a workout buddy can get us off the couch. Conditionality. "This being, that becomes." Nice! 

And you did not need a teacher or a retreat to find this out. Teachers and retreats are both great (btw, teachers don't have to be costly, and 2 K for 6 weeks is nuts) but are usually most helpful later, when a person has a long-established daily practice. If 20 minutes is the limit right now, maybe dial it back to 15 and do it every day. Think about it like the gym. You wouldn't suggest that a buddy lift heavy until they can easily do reps with good form. 

My main point here is to encourage you to keep going, slowly, consistently, and without worrying much about setbacks. You may not even notice the gains you are making but that will not make them any less useful. 
 

+1 It really works and you have already started to cultivate insight

"I want to feel like I'm making progress in meditation, I usually start up with a bang, feel some small benefits but then increasingly grow bored & irritable with the process."

It can be counter intuitive I know but this is great insight. 

Thanks Martin.  I appreciate the encouragement.  And everyon else as well!

And Bahiya Baby (how do I tag someone? @Bahiya Baby?) while I do appreciate your comment that noticing how I get bored & lose heart is an insight but I feel like I already have a great bunch of insight as to how I f*** things up, I'm hoping for the insight about how to stop doing that...

"like I already have a great bunch of insight as to how I f*** things up"

When I say insight here I'm using it in the context of the practice of Insight meditation. 

So for example:

To what extent in practice are you able to notice that your feelings about f*** things up are impermanent, suffering and not-self?

When you notice that you "get bored & lose heart". Can you also notice where those sensations occur? 

When you notice thoughts about this are they always there or do they come and go?

When you notice difficult emotions, can you face them, relax into them or do you tend to turn away and contract from them?

As you see these words, do you do the seeing or does the seeing just happen?

This is an example of the type of inquiry that can lead to insight as I mean it. If we were to talk about meditation then exploring these kinds of questions in your practice, and here in dialogue, would be a good way to proceed. 

Honestly It's a slow and difficult process. Though it can be beautiful and greatly enriching. Getting to a place in life where you're no longer fucking up and causing undue suffering for yourself and others is a noble goal. I feel confident enough to say that's why most of us are here. It's why I'm writing this message.  

It's hard to know where sensations occur, they feel like they come from everywhere, my brain & my body conjuring them similtaniously to nudge me in one direction or another.

I agree intellectually that my self-doubt (no pun intended) is imperminant & just a story (which can fade into the background in some moments and a more confident story can emerge, then the self-doubt can return if necessary to protect "me" if things go sideways).

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