This post is probably a bit messy, but otherwise I would have never gotten it done. It's a mix of introduction/backstory/current practice. In the later parts there will be more details about my current practice, so if you want you can just skip there, especially the questions about noting/weird energy. Even that part might be a bit rambly and not very phenomenologically precise. I appreciate feedback on that as well.

Afterwards, I will just use this post as a Practice Log. Updating it most days, even if I didn't do anything.

Something nice, before my story.  

Also, thanks for all the advice I have already taken from other posts, the book recommendations, the books written, normalizing weird experiences in meditation, taking a more pragmatic approach to enlightenment ... Thanks!

# Short version of backstory/introduction:

​​​​​​​So about 7 years (around age 20), I felt like everything in my live was pretty perfect. I was doing very well at university, felt closer to friends and felt better than ever before. I had everything I wanted, but I was still wanting. Like the story goes, I realized that just having everything you want doesn't really make me content. So, I was trying to figure out the purpose of live and what I actually wanted, who I was. Somewhat, I felt like there is nothing I want? And who am I? anyways. This might have been going in a non-dual direction, but I had no idea about that and just figured out I was dissociating and being depressed because I felt like life had no meaning and nothing could make me content.

5 years of depression, questioning reality and what I want and who I am ...

Around new years 2021: Thinking about who I am and what I want and that at birth I was a randomly initialized neural network. SO really all desires came from the outside, followed by 3 days of equanimity without any "big" desires. Back to depressed normal for a few months.

4 months and 7 days later: I am reading something that got me thinking about philosophy. I was taking lots of notes of my thoughts. Then took a break and sat down to think more about it. I realised in a very experiental sense that there are just inputs to our senses for which we develop arbitrary interpretations, then we tell ourselves arbitrary stories about those arbitrary interpretations and feel bad/good about them. Why not go into the space before interpretations. And boom things just are empty. Suddenly, I could always go back to this peaceful nothingness. There was nothing to want anymore, nothing to do. I don't remember any A&P symptoms or cessations. There was an afterglow, but it's hard to tell how much that came just from feeling so much better, like a huge weight had been liften from me. Obviously, it wasn't 4th path, but I could relate a lot to the description Kenneth gives in the Hurrycane range discussion about it feeling like everything that needs to be done being done. Now, if I think about any of those concepts I was worried about before, death, meaning, self, enlightenment, evening my insight itself they just don't hold much/any grasp on me anymore.

I just started reading "Seeing that frees" which Shagrol recommended somewhere and I guess the whole thing was an insight into emptyness. Ni Nurta suggested in another thread that something like this might be pretty useless/a hindrance. Like usually I didn't quite get what he was saying, but it sounded somewhat reasonable.

Around 1 year later I was talking to someone on discord about who I am and what I want and I noticed that looking closer, "I" don't actually feel like "I" exist and that all my desires and everything "I" am doing is just being done not me doing it.

The other person was into buddhism and was like:"Yo, maybe you are enlightened." I was like, hell yea.

​​​​​​​Some time later, I wanted to find out more about the difference between enlightenment and dissociation.

Doing this I stumbled upon dharmaoverground and MtCTotB2. I think mostly because I was pretty content and also trying to protect my ego of possibly being enlightened I didn't look too deep into it. 

Sometime, later after a shroom trip I got interested in Mindfullness and tried some random meditation which was interesting. Did a 5 hour meditation/mindfullness session, felt similar as shrooms. Time the next few days felt incredibly slowed down, it was very easy find more pleasure in just being in the moment.

Decided, to read MtCtotB. Did that. Listened to podcasts. Read the Insight meditation manual thrice, but didn't really like noting. Read some other dharma books, while experimenting with Light kassina, noting, just following breath, using a very fast metronom as a meditation object, trying to figure out what the fuck vibrations are...
Basically collecting information and trying things out.

Halfway through TMI after someone here recommended it. Started to make some progress with Noting and other meditation. Now, here we are. It would be interesting what my experience was in the map of insights, but probably hard to tell. There might have been something like cessations sometimes happening during meditation (dip, followed by some light afterglow), but I am way too bad of a meditator to actually tell exactly.

I might have no attaintments. I might be dissociated. I might have had an A&P event. I might be in equinimity or be going in and out of equinimity. I might have stream entry. I might be unrivalled under the heavens ;).

# Goals of practice

For right now, I feel like I have already solved the main quest of life. The insight I had/have it feels pretty all encompassing. Everything is happening inside that insight and doesn't really seem important. Of course there are strange loops to this, but that's also the insight inside the insight.
I can just exist in the moment without needing more.

So I guess, this body is just following its function, doing what it does, maybe trying to optimize for joy? Looking for cool, interesting, transformative experiences, finding new perspectives. Reducing suffering also seems cool but I am still a bit edgy and like who cares about suffering (I might want to it more than I am admitting to myself?). I also wouldn't mind being able to tell people that I am ultra-giga enlightened, so that would be cool. Dissolving the center sounds cool. Feeling like I am fucking the whole universe (Frank Yang) sounds cool as well. Jhanas sound cool. Orgasming just by thought. Becoming better at not procrastinating.

I would love to help people in my live reduce their suffering, but it seems very difficult to give people the moon. For that purpose I am very hopeful about the research people are doing e.g. the recent paper about Cessations of consciousness. Hell yea.

# Current state of practice

## Summary
I feel like I am slowly getting out of the trying random shit phase and getting into a "practice".  Trying to be mindful in difference ways (trying to be in the moment, noting, focusing on breath or on smiling or on posture).
1 or 2 30min-1h meditation sessions every day for the last 9 days: Either Noting, Focusing on breath (trying to make TMI stage progress), Self inquiry (Asking, myself who I am, what I want, somewhat mixed with noting what's going on exactly). For the last 5 days the focus was on Noting.

## Noting

Usually, my progression is something like counting breats/noting in/out. Starting to focus more and getting more detail. Lots of small stuff in the whole body. Somewhat more clarity between direct sensations vs mental image (I have more difficulty with sound, it feels like I need better resolution/focus for that). Noticing that the mental image of my body doesn't really make any sense. It's just blips, but there still is a feeling of location.  It feels like with a bit more time resolution and focus I might be able to catch that.  My body somewhat disappearing into impermanent sensations. 

Obviously, these are some meta-thoughts about the practice I should note during the practice.
Next thing happening : Realising, that I should be able to also deconstruct the self that process that still feels like it's perceiving things. Trying, to catch awareness itself. Trying to catch the catching. I probably still have to work on clear phenemonology, wouldn't mind some advice questions there.

#Question

The moments it feels like I get the time-lag of the noting down to 0 (Typically during the middle of an outbreath relaxing).

There is this energy/arousal going through my head, arms, legs whole body. This can feel pretty good and kind of built on each other or I can maybe keep it going for a few breaths on lower intensity. Mostly, it feels like pulses. Afterwards, I go back to noting sensations on a lower resolution and the cycle starts again.

All the energy and it feeling ready to explode sounds like what people describe with A&P (maybe you guys would have some diagnostic questions in that direction?). Otherwise, it feels like going into a Jhanic direction. I am feeling a glow around my hands but that could totally be scripting. I am also wondering whether I am just tensing my muscles in some specific way or something to create the experience, but it doesn't seem that way.

I am trying to figure things out about the Vispassana jhanas/modes of attention but have no idea.

At first I was just enjoying it now I am more trying to note it and take it apart. I am noticing glowing which seems weirdly spread out or less localized than normal sensations, however I might just not be at the time/spatial resolution during it yet that I can get to normally.

I am also, noticing that during it I am drifting off into other realities and completely forget about lying in my bed. I am trying to reduce that and focus more on the sensations.

I would be interested in any suggestions to go from here.

Except keep noting, don't get caught up in the experiences. What about the feeling of trying to reduce the lag in noting and then causing the experience? Should I not try to to do that? I can sometimes just spontaneously get into it for a second e.g. now or while driving.

Two weeks ago, while doing more noting/icing during daily, the not having a body thing and also everything being impermanent, felt somewhat disorienting and like going insane so I stopped for a bit and tried some more focusing on breath and relaxing instead. The noting/icing this week felt less disorienting probably because I was focusing on the energy instead of other aspects.

#Question Mindfullness while reading/watching something

Similar to the person listening to podcasts I like to try to stay mindful while reading something or watching a movie.
Does it make sense to try to just notice every breath in a pretty chill way? Noticing/Noting on the level I normally do kind of takes me away from the experience so I am not sure I want to do it. With noticing every breath I am worried that I am cultivating some kind of split attention which always focuses on the breath only for a second and then goes away? 

# Random stuff 
I was thinking about maybe getting some sessions with some teacher e.g. Michael Taff, but I am not sure I can afford it right now or he would have time.

Otherwise, I might have some freetime in October to do a retreat at home which might be interesting.

I will just be updating this with daily sessions.

Todays, session I already pretty much described above, but I will go into more detail tomorrow. 

​​​​​​​Addon: I just tried to focus on the breath and relax and immedeately got a more smooth glowing arousal feeling to built up over a few breaths. It might be focused in the hand, but that might also be scripting because I heard about that being related to Jhana.

Yesterday (1 hour): 
I put on my noice-cancelling headphones and turned off the lights. Started of by noting in/out breath on the upper lip then went into just noticing any sensation like usually. The energies started appearing very quickly and sometimes were continous for longer times 10-20 breaths which was very intense. I managed to keep noticing and not get lost in the energies maybe 1/5th of the time and managed to separate those into smaller sensations as well as keep noticing the sensations of my teeth and tongue which stayed normal.

Rambling: The energies made my mind really forget about the normal body schema. It was interesting to see how the arising of the normal mental imagery with the sensations isn't a given. After some time it was difficult for the mind to even to remember what exactly sensations are that it should notice because it was so intense and different than normal live. Like wait, I am lying in a bed wtf. Afterwards, I was interested in how the intensity compared to an orgasm and the orgasm didn't feel very interesting and very localized compared to that. So over all it's very interesting though more intense than in any way pleasurable.

 
Today so far (might do another 30-60 min later): I was watching anime with some friends (for around 6 hours) and noting maybe a third of the time. Same as before as soon as I was upping the resolution the energies would appear, but I didn't really get much detailed noting done with the energies. Twice, by managing to really focus on the first moment of energy appearing it felt like the energy increased, but also was more pleasurable with a strong glow in my hands.


I would guess that I could probably go into Jhana direction with this. Maybe, I would have to stay focused for more than just a few mindmoments?

#Question about Noticing
Right now I am mostly noticing any sensation happening without any specific focus. Is it possible to actually have like 40-x mindmoments of continously just one thing x? Or would it be more like xxyxxyxxyxxy? 

I would want to try to focus more on just the breathing sensations under the nose, but with the energies this feels very difficult. I will probably focus on taking them more apart during the next sessions. If the energies disappear/I get more used to them I want to try separating the noting into body sensations/everything/intentions/... for some time.

I also appreciate feedback on actually useful descriptions/what directions I could go in with my practice.

PS: I assume with all the energy cursing through my body I am somewhere in the 4th nana which is cool, but also a bit scared of Dark night. On the one hand, I feel like my normal equanimity and insight should carry me through it easy on the other hand I am already not the most effective/focused on getting my real live stuff done.

7 Minutes around noon: Took like 2 minutes and then was just content to have some energies pulsing around and not look very closely

1 hours plus some short periods at night: My resolution was to just endure the energies and keep noticing. This worked fine for some time, but then my body started moving/spasming more and more so after around 1 hour I stopped. Afterwards, I did short periods with eyes open though sometimes my stomach felt uncomfortable. It felt like I might have noticed some more things in some more detail, especially I never was that focused with eyes open before. Specifically trying, to notice all the sensations that make up having a perspective. Trying to notice sensations right as they happen (which causes the energy starting in the head). At some points I was getting slightly annoyed that everything doesn't just switch and every sensation shows itself directly as it should obviously be, but I guess that's just another thought happening.

Thinking about doing some light kassina just to see how it changed compared to before the energies started.

Before the session I didn't have any clear resolution on what to do which led to an interesting mix.
I started off with the energy cycles, but I really wasn't in the mood for that. When some imagery/dream world came up in my thoughts I didn't note it and instead let myself drift into it. When I came out of it this led to a nice feeling of being relaxed and kind of like underwater. So calm. Maybe some kind of dullness? 
I repeated this twice and half an hour was over. Then I did some light Kassina meditation with the led in my room for maybe 10 minutes. I was mostly interested in whether there would be any changes to before the energy stuff (A&P?) started to happen. I had read about the after image turning in place which seemed to happen, but only when I thought it should happen (scripting?). I think it was relatively easy to get a clear image though.


I really didn't want to do close eyed or really any super rapid noting because of the energy so next I decided to do some open eyed noting focusing on the breath and noting any intentions coming up. Thrice, something came up that got me to actually stand up and stop my practice because it felt so important and I was so lost in the thought, before I sat down again and and continued. Seems like something I should do more.
I didn't focus on noting any fine details. E.g. instead of noticing very quickly sensations (teeth, tongue, left side head, right side head, upper head, neck, top of head, hands, top of head with interspersed tip of nose breath) leading to buzzing energy I would just note out and notice head, hands.

I felt very relaxed and in the moment which was nice and felt exactly what I needed honestly.

Attempt at guided 25 minute Metta meditation by Cornfield in the morning: Don't think I felt any metta, will attempt again tomorrow. It's something I am really bad at so I wonder what the effects would be of getting better at it. On the other hand, it's like find someone you wish loving kindness. Who is that you? Why would I wish that? ...


Today, I planned to do 60 minutes then stopped after 45 minutes.  Before stopping there were several points where I was like ok, the 60 minutes have to be over soon. Let me just check my clock and then just went noting thought/intention same with any other intentions or thoughts that could have made me stand up. I think there was a feeling of there is nothing to get anymore in this session which I should have noted, same as tiredness which I think I just felt but didn't not or really take apart which I am only noticing now that I am writing it.
I did some noticing which was fast paced but mostly not as fast paced than a few days ago which then resulted in burst of energy in my arms, legs head again but mostly not as much. Only, when I was trying to go faster and continue after one burst was there any spasming.
Otherwise, I felt pretty good and relaxed, but also became tired at some point. Until now my noticing was very focused on the sense of self/someone observing/doing. I think a goal for the next sessions might be to notice more background things like tiredness and then take them apart.

I am honestly surprised that I actually update every day, let's see how long it lasts.

Did another 30-40 minutes of Noticing. In the beginning I was focused on tiredness and awakeness because it felt like I missed them last time. Then afterwards on the one sensation of my body/self that's still there in every moment. Anytime it feels like I could perceive that sensation, the energy pulses happen. I thought they always happened during the outbreath (middle to end until inbreath), but now I think there were a few on the inbreath even if not very intense. Though after maybe 15 minutes today it turned more in a very warm/hot feeling, like my body was heating up in my legs, face and hands. I started to sweat somewhat. Noticing during it this time my attention went inbetween the head and the visual field which was a quite pleasant glowing. Now, that I am writing this I was totally "inside" that pleasant feeling/thought instead of noticing it. In the end I started to spasm again, but this time focused on completely relaxing instead of tensing up which resulted in a kind of pleasant (notice this in more detail next time) feeling of losing control like when someone is giving me a massage.

Meditating 20 minutes yesterday and 30 minutes + 60 minutes today. More detailed descriptions when I have time.

Yesterday I meditated maybe 15 minutes in a very tired state though I had some very mindful times during a conversation. Overall 8 hours of the day just disappeared into unplanned things. Meditating in the morning instead of the evening might be helpful for that. Talking to a friend I was again thinking about the differences between the insight I had, it's effects and the effects of meditation.

Today, another 8 hours disappeared into setting up an operating system which just ended in the laptop being completely unbootable. It was a good test in equanimity which I think I did a decent job at.
Later I did 15 minutes of noting sitting on the cushion. Sitting I usually try to keep a very specific posture which means I am mostly noting/noticing the strain in the muscles and the thoughts that tell me to stop. I was happy that I got through the 15 minutes though. Maybe, a goal for in 2 weeks could be 30 minutes without having to give up on the posture I want.

A bit later I did 60 minutes of noting noticing in a more reclined posture like normally. It felt like my resolution was lower than 4 days ago (which makes sense with my infrequent practice), however I at least got better at just noticing thoughts of stopping the meditation or looking at the clock and not actually doing it. In the middle there was a section where I drifted of, but by the end my resolution felt pretty good and I was back to looking at small sensations in the head making up some sense of observer with energy stuff happening on outbreaths.

45 min reclined yesterday I think (I forgot to include it in my nodes). 15 min cushion + 60 min reclined today. Everything noticing.
Positive: I seem to have less issues needing to check the time before the meditation is over than e.g. two weeks ago.

Low resolution today in the evening maybe a mix of little sleep and stress during the day even if I tried to be mindful and did some random short meditations during the day. Also, drifted off into stories and images.

Just wanted to update that practice is going great. Updating my journal in Adi's discord in the moment, but will copy it here some time.

rock on

After the last entry of my practice journal I continued with noting until I was feeling somewhat manic and decided to stop because I was going on vacantion anyways.

24/08/23
Didn't do any meditation longer than 5 minutes during my vacation which really helped make me feel more grounded and less manic (on the other hand maybe just vacation, lots of cuddling and other stuff). It also felt like some insights kept coming even without doing anything in that direction. Maybe some caused by some secondhand/firsthand weed smoke. I now feel like I have a clearer perception of my simulation of other peoples minds vs what's actually happening in their minds/realities. Also, that even if I feel like the other person is feeling something it's just another sensation in my reality in a very clear way. From time to time I am a bit questioning my reality in the sense of being insane is anything of this actually real. This feels scary which is another thing to notice.

When I came back I got some bad news about the health of a close family member which took me just a few seconds to process which was nice. I thought oh feelings of sadness, anxiety, attachment interesting this seems like a good chance to practice it's not like I had much contact with death in my life so far. I always thought I would be fine with stuff like this (reminded me of "The Death of Ivan Ilyich" by Tolstoy) but never had to actually engage with it.

Today started with some noting like 5 minutes then some issues I needed to think about anyways then 5 more minutes.
For the evening when I am usually meditating I am planing to look into some of the movement/standing practices Froggie mentioned and maybe do some walking or other meditation depending on how it goes. (Bearbeitet)

Already

, got some work and other stuff done and took a 10 minutes break for meditation of which I meditated

~

7

. Feeling really present today overall

.

25/

First short session of qui gong

. Gonna post my thoughts after some more sessions

. Now

, a bit of meditation

. Monday

, will be a 4 hour meditation with some people

15 minutes in the morning focusing on the breath in the abdomen instead of nose

. Not Trying to get super detailed or fast just going back from distraction to sensation again and again

. Felt pretty short

.

26/

One more 15 minutes noticing session yesterday and one more short Quigong session though with less warmup

. In the 15 minutes and while reading I got slightly more detailed again and energy stuff again which helped me do the QuiGong afterwards

, lol

. Then I did some focusing on breathing

/present moment while reading and more energy sensations stuff happened

.

So much noticing throughout the day

, also it seems like classical music can help ground me

. My first reaction listening was intensely negative which was interesting

(some shadow stuff I think

)

. Now

, I feel fine listening to it

.

27/
 Did my first 5 minutes of HRV breathing about 5-10 seconds in 10-20 seconds out. Definitely feeling very relaxed compared to after the discussion where I was pretty excited.Doing more HRV breathing throughout the day. Feeling very tranquil. At some point when I wanted to do some work I intentionally reversed the rates and did some meditation with energy stuff to feel more aroused.
Right now I have difficulty doing it at the same time as noting because my mind is focused on the length of the breath, but I am sure that will work itself out. I also tried what Adi (attention vs awareness) suggested at the same, but gave up quickly I plan to try it separately again. Tomorrow, I want to do a 4 hour session with some people I know not sure what I will do yet.

28

28/
sunrise-over-mountains Not sure what happened, but I was probably feeling very equanamous

29/
I had planned to meditate for four hours with some people on another server. I hadn't really planned what to do, but for longer meditations I usually take some steps that I am in the perfectly relaxed mindset. So I took a shower while doing HRV breathing and just trying to be very mindful. In the end, turned the water cold and just felt the cold water without much grasping or aversion, which always is a good sign I am in a relaxed state. Then I ate a pizza and looked at the reflections in that fat/oil on the pizza. Close to the: "Oh my god bro there is the whole universe in that pizza feeling". Because I was feeling so mindful I took some notes on how to be mindful, about letting go and enjoying myself which is somewhat different than the noticing I was doing most of my meditation sessions the last months. It's also about letting go but maybe more in the moment and there is an edge to it and a desire to catch things and be focused and take things apart instead of vibin.
I was also contemplating some things and seeing in a more clear way how everything is fine even if I fail at things in life. Then I was trying out a bit of the awareness vs attention things Adi suggested wasn't sure whether I was getting it, went back to Noticing which felt to graspy. Wasn't sure what to do and decided to just use my relaxed state to contemplate some things. Realized, what I already know that the looking for joy and interesting experiences and cool things isn't actually me it's just something my body is doing. "I" could just be at peace doing nothing. It feels like I always get dragged back into the game of chucking wood and carrying water, because what else is there to do.
Then I was wondering about the difference between knowing something propositionally and experientially and thinking that when I really know something experientially it seems so obvious so when it's not obvious I don't know it experientially. I was going back and forth between taking notes and just lying there in my cozy down sleeping back and breathing. About 4 times the breaths started to feel so incredibly and I started to feel more and more light like weight was lifted from me and I was juuuusssstttt fine. I wanted nothing. There was nothing to do or to so say. No one there. Which reminded me of my big experience which started this journey and lots of less intense ones I have had in between. I normally know these things, but how much more could I know them in the moment? Afterwards, I had to stop because I had already set an appointment to go climbing, which didn't really take away my tranquility/equanimity. Through the whole time I only twice or thrice investigated in a way that caused the energy stuff. I still feel very relaxed and like there is nothing to do for me and still there is my mind writing in this discord to become more enlightened, when that striving is totally unnecessary.
I was wondering whether I switched to "Equanimity" stage or I am probably just chilling

30/
Continued HRV breathing yesterday and listened to the rest of "After the extasy, the laundry" by Jack Kornfield. Such a different vibe from who I usually am.  I will try to learn from it. Learning to bow with humility or having more compassion for myself and then other people.
At night I wanted to meditat but hung out mostly silently in a discord call with a friend who was down instead. Felt like the right meditation after the book .
Today, did more 5 minutes sessions of HRV again, my first Oom chanting followed by 10 minutes just following the breath meditation while trying to keep up a HRV breathing. I still have a lot of work to do and some workouts, then some meditation.
Also, need to start re-reading TMI

31/
Starting to read through TMI again. Tried to meditate and do HRV while at the dentist. Then mindfully listen to TMI while following breath or just noticing while driving around and doing stuff, then 20 minutes of following breath.

01/09/23
25 minutes trying to follow the breath. Decent for 15 minutes. Hungry, teeth, back hurt, paranoid, lost. Not at all like this afternoon. Interesting change throughout the day not sure how much the movie I watched influenced it. It was great though (Guilty of romance).
10 more min at the end I was suddenly feeling great

02/
Did some HRV breathing followed by Om chanting in the morning and throughout the day. Decent mindfullness level while working. Trying to be very mindful while being out climbing. When driving back from climbing I felt at a very good mindfullness level. Things are so fresh and cool and sound so good ...
Listening to some podcast with Ingram on 3.5x speed while trying to capture everything, everywhere all the time. Trying to do that is just the practice which makes the most sense to my mind. Not much energy sensations, but also feeling like maybe everytime I get closer to capturing reality my body trained itself reject it because the energy sensations are too strong.
 Probably going to do another round of HRV, OM + Noticing or TMI later

20 minutes of noticing realively tired and dull, now 5 minutes of HRV, hardly any energy stuff during noting but now after HRV breathing, maybe I was too tense during noting, and now I am relaxed, not that it is the goal.
Tomorrow, start day with 1 hour.

Mindful breakfast, 5 minutes of HRV breathing and then om chanting into the belly. Then sat down to prepare for meditation and realized that I really should be doing some work and would feel better meditating afterwards . Really, the best thing I can do for my meditation practice is do my work quickly and efficiently. Then meditating is so easy.

10 minutes of HRV and 10 minutes of following the breath. The following the breath really feels like switching between following the breath and the sensations e.g. in my hand where the mindframes switch between the two and when the mind gets used to it there is even and intention to switch?
Longer session after D&D
Thread

03/
Best TMI meditation session yet. 60 minutes following the breath. I am still trying to figure out where in TMI territory I am. First there was following the breath not really missing any but the mind doesn't feel super calm. Then there is a moment of dropping and everything is more calm and focused. I stay in that mode for a while at some point the breathing and following it is just happening without any experience of effort or doing which is very nice. After a short time I am out of that mode again.
In between things I take some energy sensation hits to stay  more awake. I don't really feel like there are any gross distractions which is the last thing I was reading about in TMI so I don't know what to do. On the other hand the wanting to have a goal might be a gross distraction? At some point I get up to the toilet and then decide to write stuff down and read some stuff before I continue though then when I open my phone I spent some short time on Tinder first . Actually, not sure whether I will continue or figure out my questions for later and try to do some more work.
Ps: The session was so comfy
Maybe subtle dullness? Or not Stage 5 or 6 need to read more. (Bearbeitet)

04/
1hour tmi very chill a bit distracted

05/
Yesterday, I spent a long time thinking about my practice instead of actually doing anything (and also procrastinating from work ). Now, I feel like I have a clearer idea and I got some stuff done today which I am proud of.
Now, I feel in grate shape for some meditation .

06/

Felt like I lost some concentration yesterday. Also, this just wasn't a mindful day. There was also something weird scared, anxious grasping with my body. At first I put on a smile for some time which made me feel better but not at peace in that sense. Actually, letting go and letting the energy sensations/bliss happen removed the feeling for a very short time.
After maybe around 20 minutes I got up and did some easy exercise and stretching very mindfully. At some point the part that didn't feel at peace felt at peace but only for maybe 5 minutes. Well 1:15 h overall.
At other points during the day I shortly tried to meditate on the stillness. Still have to think about that. Try things figure things out
Going to take a mindful walk now. Then meditate more.

2*5 minutes HRV
10 minute sitting trying to follow the breath (my concentration is low )

30 min of body scanning still mindwandering but better concentration again.

Some walking, meditation and dancing meditation and being mindful.

07/09/23

20 minutes of noting/noticing

15 Minutes body scanning at some point
At the start while reading I was trying to be mindful of the body.
Now, I am trying to observe the thoughts/images created while reading, which feels super cool though not really explainable. Like bodyly sensations as meditation objects make sense and of course there are mental images and thoughts, but it feels like usually there are more physical things or mental things closely related to physical things vs here it's image and words but then something else and there is less of a physical sensation observing. Idk, how to explain it, but it was fun. Gonna continue. I love reading so turning it into more of an insight practice would be cool.

Normally, I never experience strong dullness today I was already very tired when trying to do some more body scanning and there was the nice dropping feeling but instead into of being in TMI phase 5? My mind started to wonder a lot and I nearly fell asleep a few times. When I stopped I read a message and then I wanted to sleep but couldn't

8. September 2023
7 minute following breath in work break.

9. September 2023
Doing some mix of self inquiry meditation for some unknown amount of time

10. September 2023
Two things I took from the Jeffrey Martin research. I am either at location 1 or 2. It seems to be important to do 1 hour + consistently . Will read more of their stuff and integrate it with other knowledge.

such a good session. Conversations about dharma stuff often get me into a more non-dual perspective. Yesterday, I felt that in some type of letting go of having control over anything way and somehow kept that until today in the morning.
Using that I took a cold shower ate some raisins for sugar level, drank some mate, did 5 minutes of HRV and set a 70 minutes timer with the plan to do body scanning.
Normally, I can't let go of the omg, this was the wrong sensation for half second. This time I was just soo relaxed at first mind wandering a bit (which never really stopped) and wondering how to direct the attention when I was at the same time trying to let go of directing the attention or any feeling of that.
I was still trying it but very softly and letting go off the result.
Then at some point I remembered the exercise Adi suggested yesterday about forming intention, again and again without doing it and then letting it happen on its own ... which I tried a bit and felt in the right direction. I scanned the whole body though not very detailed and just felt super relaxed and pleasent the whole time which had some peaks.
With the mindwandering normally I try to pull myself back to the direct sensation Vs now I very softly pulled myself back to lying on the bed then let go off that. Now, letting go off this here.

11. September 2023

Let's go. Really got some stuff done for work today. Now eat and meditate . Also, had some nice mindful moments during the day . Pretty clearly seeing,
aversion -> mental-image-of-possible-distraction-> desire-for distraction -> let go
or just mental image->desire->let-go
Wait, what was the order  (Bearbeitet)

12. September 2023
Did 5 minutes of HRV then 70 minutes of body scanning. The body scanning was a hard fight from beginning to end against dullness, but I somewhat prevailed i.e. I didn't stop completely or fall asleep.
Window open, lights on sitting, eyes open.
Don't direct attention but direct attention  

90 minutes body scanning. It was very warm. Lying naked on bed and still sweating. Before the sit I figured out that this time I wasn't going to fight dullness or distractions at all just let things go again and again.
This resulted in me mindwandering most of the first 30 minutes I would guess. Direct attention at sensations but let go ... mindwandering. I think the second 30 minutes were a bit better. In the end it nearly felt like noting just focused on random parts of the body though still mostly distractions. In between I was considering using my breath as anchor for my attention/awareness to reduce distractions but decided against it. Just gently directing attention and letting go and letting what ever happens happen.
I was really noticing the annoying head sensations making up the observer when I tried to separate that more/figure that out I got more energy sensations.
For the whole first our my only movement were some deep breaths. At the end of the 60 minutes my lower back started to hurt pretty bad. I don't think I mind the pain but I am always scared of getting injured, so I moved and checked the time after lying on my stomach for a minute or so I turned around and finished the last 30 minutes. Here some of the sensations felt way less subtle than in the first 60 minutes. When the timer rang I first continued for a bit then decided to write stuff down.

However, didn't do a great job noticing what captured my attention. Next time let's go

13. September 2023
80 minutes body scanning letting go, trying to better notice why my mind turns away, energy, warm glow stuff only during first half, then after forty minutes suddenly feeling hyperactive   even without any caffeine

14. September 2023
95 minutes of body scanning. First hour just letting go and mind wandering barely getting through two legs, but it felt like the hour passed very quickly. I set a timer for 1 hour, which is when I took off my noice cancelling headphones. The next 35 minutes was super awake Energy sensations whole body glowing, tingling, fast noticing and focused attention. So much stillness now (Bearbeitet)

15. September 2023
5 Minutes of HRV then some do nothing for an unknown amount of time and I don't remember what I did either . Then I started body scanning for 60 minutes. Time passed really quickly, I was still mostly distracted and not actually feeling the sensations but it was very tranquil and I don't mind it. At some point when I was more focused I was wondering whether I was trying too hard^^, then tried to let go more. A teacher I am talking to suggested that I could probably jhana if I was stabilizing the (breath) experience more so I used upcoming pity and tried to soften and stabilise it which worked in some way for some time. Such a nice feeling and afterglow.
There was definitely still up and downs and the breath was far from a perfect loop/continuous attention but I was still super happy that I got something . This was one of my goals after reading up MCTB 8 months ago. Actually, I was so happy that I was distracted and got up after the second time.
For the next 1 hour I was sometimes body scanning sometimes HRV breathing, sometimes doing nothing. Later I was trying to get into what I will for now call Jhana (might not be and if it is it's obviously beginner level ^^) which didn't work ^^. Too tense whatever. Then I did some body scanning some Pity came up and I got back in there. It was also interesting comparing the  harsh buzzing which I had before Vs the more softened longer lasting experience with a stronger afterglow I had now. I also noticed feel ing insecure about not getting back into it .
After this session, I was just super giggly and happy and tranquil at the same time . Thinking about meditating more right now, but I should probably do some work ^^. (Bearbeitet)

16. September 2023
Since, this week was so nice and kind of a high I can expect next week to be more of a low. Unless I start planning right now how to prevent that. First step is probably getting ahead of work for next week. Next step is lowering expectations for practice to 1 hour sits a day. Third no goals for the sits if stuff happens nice but expectation is restlessness and mindwandering. Don't think much about practice out of practice, go climbing watch movies with friends.

Now, I don't actually think writing this down ahead of time will help, but there is always a first time 

5 Minutes HRV, 5 Minutes do nothing (I think some of that time I was trying to do Jhana idk ).
Then I started Body scanning planned for ~60 minutes. After, maybe half an hour I felt like something with the observer felt different, then I spent most of the rest of the time enjoying/softly investigating that feeling sometimes doing body scanning. I am still not sure whether anything is different or not. My mind is confused . Afterwards I did 5 more minutes off HRV and then because I was so unfocused I did 10 minutes of trying to follow the breath in a more focused fashion.
Meditation doesn't feels way too unfocused for meditation, but on the other I feel great  so who cares. Take the one seat and let your mind wander I guess.
Throughout yesterday and today I was also investigating this feeling of the rest of reality around my body of course being created by my mind in the same way as my body. Like my mind is saying that something is off about how it feels vs how it should feel. Trying to softly experience reality right here right now.
Now, I will work
Wow, this music sounds so good. (Bearbeitet)

17. September 2023
Did another 5, minutes of HRV followed by 60 minutes body scanning. It still feels like there was this thing before which is now resolved. When I let go into the present moment before it felt blocked. There was always something I was chasing, now it feels like I am either closer on the track of that fucking Kazoo player or I notice it less.
Two other things I noticed which might or might not be related. It feels I can continuosly and far more clearly hear my voice when singing to music though I haven't done it this way in a while so maybe it was an earlier change.
I can also clearer see nice reflections in the city at night. I just look and there they are.
There is a lot of tingling especially in my face.

It doesn't feel like something big happened but I feel lighter

Can't sleep but can meditate . Feels like energy is all caught up in my legs especially my left one while my head is cleared up.
Thread
Can't sleep but can meditate <:woe_is_me:


Tried to implement this (https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/ekrscz/samatha_practices_to_balance_attention_and/), after some difficulty I think I grokked something. If I did it's pretty similar to what I was doing the last week which would explain why it feels like some of the energy stuff had resolved itself and also why some parts of experience feel more direct.
Have to do another real session later though

18. September 2023
HRV, 70 minutes mix of the exercise and random stuff.
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HRV, 70 minutes mix of the exercise and random ...

Shorter maybe 20 min meditations throughout the day. Trying to strengthen awareness all the time.
Now, starting 120 min body scanning.

Fell asleep after some time which is great because I really needed to catch up on some sleep did 25 minutes at the end. During my sleep though I was dreaming and it felt like stressing about meditating most of the time . At the end my body was hurting and anxious in weird ways but probably because of the nap. The energy sensations are a lot softer now than two weeks ago. Will go on a nightly walk with a friend. Maybe I while have time afterwards for some awake meditation.


19. September 2023
On the long walk did another 10 and 13 min meditation following breath with friend.
The more interesting part was in the beginning of the walk though where I was feeling very chill and non existent in some way.

Good mindfulness during most of the day. 55 min "body scanning" now. Actually, switched to more of an observer mode at some point where attention rapidly goes between teeth/head and location image and sensation which feels like I wouldn't get lost in mindwandering but then went back to trying to observe without observing and letting go of image of body and observer and just noticing sensation. Though even there I was less lost than normally even though I was pretty tired.
To be fair at some point I saw two church painting people on a street suddenly being illuminated by some kind of light that woke me up for some time. Afterimage of them in vision.

20. September 2023
Feeling sooo good, glowing. Will do some more work for tomorrow already, then fall asleep meditating.
Gaining more awareness of awareness and not having awareness.
Didn't get work done, talked to depressed friend instead. Lost awareness sometimes e.g. started with restless leg movements again, which I was fine with.

Starting a Tibetan dream yoga practice by asking myself whether I am in a dream throughout the day. I remembered a lot of the dreams from last night let's see what happens in the future.

Now 5 minutes HRV, some do nothing then the rest of the 90 minutes my letting go of attention body scanning mixed with some of adis exercises and some experimenting with pity when it comes up

Done.
Not much body scanning, but more experimenting with pity. My head feels free, especially my left leg still feels blocked/ uncomfortable.
Did the first and second exercise Adi suggested. With the second my attention just kept going between the points even after "I" stopped which was cool to watch.

21. September 2023
Was sleeping next to this girl who has a defect with her nose and was snoring like crazy. So I was meditating (or at least trying to be mindful rest in awareness). I am sure before it might have annoyed me or stressed me out, but it just felt like something happening in awarness and even felt like my own breathing and then sometimes I felt like I didn't need to  breathe because I had already taken a breath even though I hadn't which felt great. I am still not sure whether I slept at all for the first 3.5 hours, but I felt pretty rested. (Also, the night before was awesome, meeting a stranger going for a nightly walk and swim, stargazing, ...)
Maybe, I am also just more aware during my dreams since trying to do lucid dreaming. It's hard to separate.

22. September 2023
Proud that I got some practice done. Or more like trying to find something pretty formal and defined which I can do daily.
The problem is that with body scanning I am more working on letting of of the arrow of attention and more conceptualised sensations and locations so I don't get any actual scanning done.  Then I tried just following the breath but did similar stuff. Maybe, I will go back to noticing.
Also, the blockage in my leg is so clearly felt interesting. I can also create pity just by moving the leg . And I think the restless leg syndrome is correlated with that in some way.

Did like 90 minutes of following breath beginning felt like I was getting to TMI stage 5 then I was lost/asleep not sure . Then just following very mechanically but I tried to visualise meditator which might have caused this.
Then did like 5 minutes of verbal noting because I normally never do it for so long and we wanted to do it tomorrow. Then did some other random stuff.
Noticing I feel not content. Might do some more stuff. Maybe, after doing some sport though.
Meditation felt like shit still feel better afterwards.

23. September 2023
Another 5 minutes of verbal noting didn't do this in a long while but it's still a cool technique when there is a bad thought and I am like thought   . More satisfying than mentally or noticing.

Did some sport and feel so much better. Neurotransmitter OP.

5 minutes HRV 50 minutes following breath. First 25? minutes pity on in breath then 15 minutes chilling out letting go of attention and some random stuff the rest of the time. Would have preferred to do 70 minutes but started too late .
Seeing attention wander automatically according to a pattern I set and then let go off is pretty cool.
30 minutes vispassna something earlier felt like small insight into locations.
7 minutes HRV, 5 minutes verbal noting. Now, 30 minutes body scanning probably.

24. September 2023
Need to find a simple structured practice again
6 minutes HRV, 5 minutes verbal noting, some do nothing now follow breath 70 minutes. This was a nice session. I am honestly not sure about the progression during the first 40 minutes or so, but in the end attention on the body felt very weak and I felt closer than normally to just being completely dissolved in "space"/space dissolved? whatever that means and so relaxed.

Yesterday, evening before falling asleep an hour or so of random investigation.

One interesting thing I noticed is that my brain associates the location of video sound with the location the video is playing and I think there might just be a quick ping, pong of attention between mental image and sound. Investigate more.
Oh, yea also my belly breathing has gotten way better/more automatic. Very nice except that I can create pity better by breathing upwards into my chest .

26. September 2023
Mindfullness today wasn't great, which really shows how good the mindfullness the last weeks was. Will try to sleep and eat well tomorrow , that makes such a big difference. Before I got to sleep 80 minutes breath 5 minutes noting, 5 minutes HRV. Just after some more Hellsing abridged.
Well not the worst session not the best. A bit of sleep . Also, didn't feel either precise nor tranquil and more energy stuff . Well this is exactly the place I am at whether I want to or not.

27. September 2023
5 min HRV, 5 Noting, 70 min something. Didn't feel very tranquil or meditative. First 40 minutes was just trying to focus on the breath and thoughts coming up about how I suck at meditation, then there was one quick insight I to attention being directed at thoughts then back to that. The next 30 minutes I tried to just be with all that's there which sometimes felt good, but I became a bit restless and didn't really do one thing. Still happy I did 70 min of something.
Did have pretty good mindfulness during part of the day, but overall I should meditate early during the day at least a first session.

Also, noself and impermanence are great fun,  movement of attention is not. (Bearbeitet)
Thread
5 min HRV, 5 Noting, 70 min something. Didn't f...

28 min mix of body scanning and somethin

60 minutes Following breath, then some vispassana, then some noticing, Intentionally trying to avoid Kundulini . Mostly successfull but maybe causes me to not feel super cutting edge. Still felt like a decent session
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60 minutes Following breath, then some vispassa...
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28. September 2023
Once light Kassina for around 30 minutes it was great because beginners mind, then today for an hour it was less great, but I did metidationearly in the day which was one of my goals.
Yesterday, the object was  nearly always stable in the middle without any effort. After the session I listened to a song which in the beginning sounded sooooo gooood. Now, it was moving to the sides and I had to really be with that without rejecting it for it to stay still again. I am still confused how much that is about concentration/distraction Vs finding the right position from which to look into the light. (Bearbeitet)

Wanted to do light Kassina 1 hour felt too tired to look at the light again even noticing felt so difficult. Lucky that I did some meditation in the morning. Will do morning again tomorrow. Try evening and see whether it doesn't work again. I still need to find a light that I am not scared hurts my eyes 

29. September 2023
Another 30 min of light Kassina still not sure about the optimal light source, but better concentration.
Either yellow with purple circle. Slowly getting purple or getting more distinct then  switching rapidly between yellow purple with not quite the same form. At some point fading from purple to black. Being able to call black the black dot on a slightly white glowing area for quite a while/repeatedly especially with hands in fron of eyes for more darkness.

In the morning noticing ~ 20 min, later 20 min lighter Kassina, now 20 noting again
 Sometimes very mindful. Sometimes not at all.
Vibrations seemed to have slowed down.

Should do a longer session later today.
60 min light kassina, when I wanted to log it after 40 min I saw your message and continued for another 20 min and the next refresh the Kassina turned into this lotus  again
Longer sessions are so much better, but I think right now I need to do noting first then when I have chilled out Kassina
Oh, yeah Vibrations have slowed down meditation less fun, hardly any energy stuff, tired and lazy probably DN. That's what my teacher suggests as well.

30. September 2023
40 minutes of freestyle noting lots of energy again, what is going on. I still think vibrations feel slower.
Some noticing in the morning, then pretty mindful, now social practice 15 (social noting) + 15 (social metta)
Plan 1 hour kassina later, noticing before sleep again.

1. Oktober 2023
Tried light Kassina was shit switched locations looked at murk slept, awake looking at murk with maybe dot but not clear read for sure
Sporadically been doing more fire Kassina and noting for the last hours.
Now, when I was lying down to sleep I was like wait when I was a child didn't I just chill and look the the images inside my eyes and I was instantly less grasping and just sat down to see what would happen and after some time dark purple (definitely not red ) waves of color started to appear. Nice.

Now, you could put a gun against my head and I couldn't sit down like that

Did lots of meditation throughout the whole day, mix between very good mindfullness and pretty bad. Should do a more formal real session later. Got to color waves again for the fourth time, isolating more variables I will be able to tell whether it's physical or mental. I will also reread the different stages. Also, fuck the redpoint.

2. Oktober 2023

Wow, this was cool. I am just working with the murk and I am trying to see without using my eyes. Without using attention.
Things should just appear in awareness. Of course, this goes completely against the model my brain is using for reality. It feels like it's so close to letting if it could just collapse into itself it feels like that would be the best feeling ever . But it felt super meditative definitely. But retarded brain just let go motherfucker. But also this is just more sensations appearing and things being said, but still this stupid model that obviousllllllyyyyyy makes nooooo senseeee and doesn't fit the datttaaa and the brain keeps using iitiitjgjshhxjjdkdkkdkd.

Fuck, just another 40 minutes of that. Lots of nice blue/purple in the murk. The trick seems to be to soften eyesight and try to look below/above where I could normally see when actually I can look in any direction. This is such a magical feeling.   . I can't believe I am doing it. But then at some point my body did it's usually directing attention and was like no you can't do that because of zyx

This feels like the best tatering I have done though ever                      
But I am still thinking and shit but still

3. Oktober 2023
Didn't get much sleep, but did lots of random short sessions looking at the murk. I can pretty much always get a dot without a candle now. I can also most of the time get to the color waves by letting go. Images in the colors twice.
However, I didn't manage to look without my eyes again.

Hm, some kind of state. Some kind of absorption but  it feels like I lack access to the seeing without eyes not sure whether it's a concentration or cycle of insight thing since yesterday I feel way more energetic again  and more like attention is focused on the object.

Yea, some more of that. Hm, so there is all this pink and purple "in front of me" though it doesn't really feel like having a body there are thoughts happening some pretty dampened sensations from after relaxing into it more it feels like I am closer to the seeing without eyes. From an insight perspective it just doesn't feel as interesting as yesterday. Maybe it's acclimatization. For some reason it feels difficult to focus on anything in detail which is also why I assume there are no images appearing since those seem to come from looking in detail.
Some part of me is still like bro you aren't even meditating

1 hour plus to start the day also jhana at the end again maybe, but not nearly as solid as yesterday but it's morning ^^

1.5 days ago: I was trying to look at the murk (eyes closed darkness) without using my eyes to direct where I look and trying to look at the edge of attention either above where I should be able to see with my eyes or below (chin/forehead) but where there clearly still was a black image.

At some point yesterday when it felt like this actually happened, it was experientially clear that images just appear in my head and don't come from looking with my eyes (It seems obivous that that's true for all other sensations as well, but I will focus more on that in the future). I could also use that vision to look around in a sphere with a radius of zero. This was super cool because it showed me that there is no center from which I am looking.

Afterwards, I was also like fuck you/me I know sensations are just appearing why can't you/me brain fucking change your model . Next though, these are just more thoughts arising :joy:.

The next day and this morning I think I got into some Jhana/absorption state using similar queues, but didn't really reproduce that feeling.

Then today I was watching anime for a 7 hours with friends so I didn't have anything else to do except trying to see without using my eyes.

I am not sure when, but at some point it switched to the mode where I know that images are just appearing. This feels so much better because this grating feeling of attention/eyes grabbing onto so many things is mostly gone and also there is way less of a center since the visual world are just images appearing not my eyes locking onto something. Not a person looking at the world from the location of my eyes. Looking with eyes closed or open feels the same. Trying to focus onto an object or softening attention feels the same.

The best though, at some points the anime looked super 3d&nbsp; KeKW.

Thanks. From time to time I am reading your collection of old posts which is super helpful, so it was cool to read your message.

I also had some cool insight today (end of practice journal) and I feel like I am on meth :joy:.