Hi,

I am starting a new practice Log.  Here is some background:

I have been interested in meditation/buddhism/nondulaity since my late teens. I am now 47

I have a pretty full CV in terms of spiritual seeking - including reading Nisargadatta, Ramana Maharshi, Daniel Ingram, Culadasa, Gary Weber, Angello Dillullo - I was even posting on Kenneth Folks page 10 years ago maybe? - I am also about 10 years into training for ordination into a buddhist community.

I was inspired by Yin Lings interviews with Angelo Dilullo and her combination of Inquiry and Noting Practice.

Because my tendency is to burn hot and cold, read too much, think too much about maps, systems etc - I thought that maybe it would be good to make my practice accountable again. Part of that includes documenting my progress

I would say my current practice looks a lot like kenneth Folks three gears - Some Noting, Some self inquiry which occasionally leads to a more open awareness.  Not much in the way of energy or itching - (that was about a far as got when I last dedicated myself to noting) - so was never sure if I had crossed A&P.

I would also mention in 2014 I went through Liberation Unleashed guiding to no-self.  I clearly apprehended no-self at an intellectual level - but this seems different from living it day to day.  

My goal is to really find out if there is a 'there' there - with noting and the POI 

My recent engagement with inquiry 'who am I' made it clear that despite the practice so far - there is still very much an energetic core in my body/mind as a  Self.  Like a Ghost in the Machine! - In theory I have established that it is a phantom - but I am convinced there might be more done to dissolve it further.

This evening sit - inspired by Sam Gentiles format:

1Hr sit: 20 min concentration - 40 min Noting.

Concentration was good - hovering around Stage 7 (TMI)

Noting - most noticable factor was pain and tension in the body - around the neck, head and shoulders.  In the past I have associated this with the act of noting itself - However tonight just decided to note it.  Watched it ebb and flow - occasionally it would subside to reveal a stillness - but then start up again.  In the stillness the visual field became brighter and more expansive. Then Tensions would start again.  Faint itching in face. Some subtle pleasure felt in the base.  

Excellent, noting works really well for those of us that like to study and think "about" awakening. By noting the categories of thoughts that come up during practice (planning, comparing, predicting, judging, doubting, etc.) it short circuits the whole getting lost in abstract thoughts. 

and remember the number one thing that seems to correlate with progress is consistency. Gentle yet consistent practice. 

if this really is a goal of yours, also consider how uncertain life is. None of us know the future, all we can do is commit to getting our sit(s) done today. 

best wishes for you practice!!

Thanks Shargrol,

I am keen to run the experiment, not get sidetracked and see what happens!

I hope you are good! We haven't met, but I have enjoyed reading your posts on and off over the years.

This morning I recieved an email from my sister saying that she had included me in her will.   She isnt ill but decided it was time to write somethng down.  I felt really emotional on reading it.  Anticipating her death and a sense of gratituded left me feeling quite stirred up - Also with an intention to be a good brother. 

Morning Sit:

1Hr sit: 20 min concentration - 40 min Noting.

Concentration started poor and ended better- I think being sitred by email. Took me the full 20 mins to settle 

Noting - again most noticable factor was pain and tension in the body - around the neck, head and shoulders.  I could feel tension I think in the base of the skull - almost felt like popping and grinding noises.  There were occasional releases of tension down through the arms.  About halfway through the sit the tension gave way to full on shaking, like a nodding motion between upper back and neck.  I had been working with TRE excercises and this hasnt been uncommon since then that if I incline my mind - my head will start to shake.  Occasionally it happens when I sit as well.

I felt a bit clearer afterwards but mind a bit cloudy - noting occasionaly became automatic and not bright.  

 

Played Badminton this eve for 1hr.

Evening Sit 50 mins - 20min calming 30min noting

As soon as body started to relax I started getting very strong TRE (tension release) shaking in upper body.  Decided to lie down. Shaking went on for 20mins, different rhythms, upper body and legs. 

30min Noting - sat back up.  Waves of tension, erupting into shaking.  Carried on for most of the sit - a few itches. Curiosity - what is this? - how old is this tension? Is there an end to it? - just surrendered to the experience....felt good.  Not sure how to work with this.  Maybe stand alone TRE migth help - or more deliberate body relaxation before sits?

Best way to work with this tension/release is to let it happen. Let it do its thing. To the extent that you are able, try to intimately experience it. And be sure to label/note the quality of the sensations every so often, as well as the emotions and types of thoughts associated with the experience.

If it becomes too much, it's okay to stand up or walk. Just keep gently noticing and noting. 

But in general, keep sitting and keep noting, straight ahead!

Thanks Shargrol.

I had a Dopamine Detox this weekend- So no Screens, no Dharma Talks, Reading etc over the weekend.  

I carried on with the format of 2 1hr daily sits.  20/40 concentration/noting.

Most sits included waves of tension - that would build aound the shoulders/neck and errupt in phisical shaking - occasionally this went down to include the whole spine.  As suggested I kept noting and just allowing it to unfold - Other than that - noting is steady.  Not a great diversity of objects - mainly see, hear, feel, think, tension, relaxing.  Emotional flavors remain quite neutral, settled, calm - with occasional expectation, boredom, sinking.

Turing towards the tension has helped me bed in the practice a bit and also noting the desire for results/boredom/dharma thoughts - etc - I have been taking the practice off the cushion as much as possible whilst driving, walking the dog etc

Evening Sit - more energy after study session on vimalakirti - enjoying the new translation by Gomez/Harrison 

1 hr 20/40 concentration/noting

concentration a bit wobbly.  Noting, good. Working with posture....subtle tilt of the head forward - felt like energy was moving through a bit more.  Lots of tension, some shaking, faint itching, doubt, application.  Occasional pleasure in lower part of body

Morning Sit:<br /><br />1Hr sit: 20 min concentration - 40 min Noting.<br /><br />concentration a bit disturbed - thinking about a disagreement, settled more towards the end.<br /><br />noting. - more physical shaking, pain was coming like waves. &nbsp;Body feeling very 'noisy' then would enter more settled periods. &nbsp;I think previously I would have stopped by now... but I'm taking the paradigm that this might be part of the practice.....so just noting and watching.<br /> 

Nice!

Make sure that you are making conscious all of the sensations, emotions, and thoughts that would normally overwhelm you and make you want to stop. 

It is no big deal to be uncomfortable or worried or have doubts etc. -- if they are conscious sensations, emotions, and thoughts. 

It is the semi- or unconscious stuff that builds up and eventually seems unbearable. It can be good to talk with friends or journal privately to expose and make peace with the stuff that scares or intimidates us... when we're fully conscious and accepting of our fears they are a lot less scary.

Thanks Shargrol,

Keeping an eye on these more subtle emotional flavours.

Tonights Sit 1h 20/40

Concentration - goodish - feeling steady, balancing effort - needed to keep refreshing intention to return to the object.

Noting - Different flavours this evening - not much shaking - dullness, sleepiness, Subtle aversion/boredom - Speeded up the noting a bit to try and get some energy going.  Dry mouth, some sadness/lack of inspiration - all quite peripheral - but noted as much as I could.

Solitary Retreat Report.

Context: I have started having 1-1 Guidance From Abre Fournier.  Prior to retreat I was sitting twice a day for 2 1hr sits with 20/40 breath concentration and Noting Practice.  On retreat I added 2 morning and afternoon  sits of 1.5hr 20/70 concentration and noting.  This is written in the sytle of a report I sent Abre:

Meditation has been going well, with some states of deep stillness clarity etc. Still lots of shaking as well....seems to come of when I tune into visual field....sparkles seem to erupt into shaking down the body before speeding up in the head. V.V fast. Starting to worry about giving myself brain damage by rattling it around so much.

2 nights previous before bed did a round of v.strong heart sutra mantras....body was buzzing after...lots of shaking. Lay down to bed and strobe lights behind eyelids.

Next day...amazing stillness in morning sits and between. By afternoon though...started feeling a bit nervous.

Carried on as usual. Went to bed...before sleep had awful visions of being swalloewed by a sea monster. Shook it off but everything felt creepy. Noticed all the spiders, moths, gnats. Noises in woods etc

Fell asleep. Woke up 2hrs later...felt gripped with fear. Like a panic attack. Had to use bathroom a couple of times. Paced up and down...everything still felt spooky. Hard place to get home from. Did some deep breathing. Had a cup of tea. Went back to sleep. But overall felt very freaked out.

Sounds a bit like Dark Night!? Feel clear headed and normal this morning but with knot in stomach. Although I feel OK now. Some fear around how to proceed. Don't want to freak out so much I get a taxi home. At the same time...it's seems textbook dukkha nanas...I don't won't to turn back.

I went on to do some metta practice that evening before bed.

The Following day was amazing. Started with a bit of residual fear from previous night.  After my morning sits felt back to normal. But meditation felt dry, unmotivated sort of going through motions.

Afternoon 1.5 hrs sit. A lot of noting of sensations around the eyes associated with location of self. Back and forth whole sit.

Afterwards...my mind felt AMAZING! Really clear....like synapses had been cleaned. No spacey meditation feeling. Just bright and enegised. Went for a walk afterwards to simply appreciate it.

Carried on routine. Still tons of shaking. Final sit was shinzen style Do Nothing. Lay down as shaking went up and down body.

Hard to sleep. Still fear from other night. Also a couple of times in hypnagogic..felt these awful itch sensations coming up body and terminating near nose. V.unpleasant.

Woke in night felt a glimpse of insight identity shifting to field of experience not the objects.  Rolling over...field stays still while objects move...again feelings of fear/excitement. Sense of identity as the field shifting in and out.

Morning sits. Could see fear in pit of stomach....come up to misery? Tear/ sadness in face. Just noted.

V. Serene afternoon. Less desire to practice to get anywhere. Intuitive says its always here. But doubt says...just depending on retreat conditions.

The Following days were charcterised by Doubt - I switched to Self Inquiry as my formal practice.  Fed up with shaking and the feelings in the energy body I thought maybe inquiry is the way the to go.  Started Reading the Awakening To Reality Document.  Lots of Self Inquiry/Observation practice.

On last day re-read Sam Gentiles Practice Log - Decided I had come too far to give up now.  Sat Down in the evening  Concentration followed by noting and afterwards wrote the following report:

Wow! another amazing sit.  Day of Self Inquiry might have helped but energetically body and mind felt transformed.  Can only imagine I was in Equanimity.  Emotional Centres felt switced off or silent.  Mind was Calm Clear and Steady.  Felt like I could sit all day. 

Came to conclusion that some sort of purification/rewiring had taken place - great sense of faith in the teaching and resolve to keep going . 

Sounds good!

Yesterday 3 1hr sits 20/40

each sit characterised by poor concentration and lots of shaking in the body.  Exhausting and distracting.

today 2 1hr sits 20/40

morning sit still not great concentration - post retreat slump/brain fog

evening sit:

concentration better at about 70% on the object - Noting - decided to very gently surpress the shaking.  Body was more steady.  Noting felt like hard work until last 10mins of sit.  Suddenly shifted gear - with an increased sense of stability - peripheral awareness sort of tracking experience on its own - notes becoming a bit quicker, rhythmic and easy.  Felt like less effort - more flow.  No great sense of Piti- at the same a more more enjoyable state and an echo of my better sits on solitary.

Morning Sit 1HR 20/40

Really struggling with concentration at the moment - I would say about 50% or less on the breath - mostly mind wandering - planning, relfecting, memory etc

Noting - Phisical symptoms have become quieter - quality of attention seeming to fluctate over sit - from Distracted surf noting - To periods where the visual field brightened and felt like I switched gears (or someone wound up the windows in a car) - and noting became easier/ noticing was constant - only to fall back into distractions.  

Update - still sitting 2hrs a day - Practice is steady - but with very strong phisical shaking - with I think might be kriyas.

this afternoon, missed morning sit. So did 30min walking - lifting,  moving, placing.

followed by 1hr noting.   Noting is steady - shaking seems to be getting more intense, staying lower in the body for longer before moving up into the head and face and erupting into a sort of stillness.  Noting resumes - it stays quiet for a bit before cycle repeating.

am noticing effects of the cushion...a buzzy background feeling almost like being stoned, quite pleasant. More present in activities and conversations and more pleasure in basic experience of sense contact.  Stong motivation to keep going.