Mr. Pixel Practice Log - Discussion
Hi Mr. Pixel!
2.6 hours every day is quite impressive, in my humble opinion! Good luck with stabilizing EQ
2.6 hours every day is quite impressive, in my humble opinion! Good luck with stabilizing EQ
Nicely done. Sounds like you did a bit of housekeeping and maybe got some reactivity out of the system.
Just remember, the difficult stuff is where the real learning takes place. Directly experiencing this stuff in our meditation is 100000 times more effective than reading/thinking about it. When the difficult stuff happens, take the position of "the observer" of the difficult stuff and get curious about it. Resisting what is already happening only makes it worse. (As they say in psychology, "what you resist, persists".) When you can be the observer and see confusion as confusion, anxiety as anxiety, anger as anger, fatigue as fatigue... it becomes a little less personal.
"You" are not confused, but the body and mind is. "You" are not anxious, but the body and mind is. Etc. Etc. See if you can notice the individual sensations and emotions and thoughts that make up "confusion". It's not one single solid thing --- it's a dance of events within the body. If you see all the pieces, it doesn't become a big pile of freak-out. Same thing with anxiety, anger, and fatigue. All of those are actually endlessly fascinating.
Once you get the hang of looking at it this way, at some point you might even want this stuff to arise, just so that you can investigate it! Reobservation can be a very bizarre and almost exhilerating feeling of turbulance, almost like the A&P, when the difficult stuff is experienced very directly, very closely, very intimately.
It's also helpful if you see how silly it all is. This poor mind freaking out about stuff when you're just sitting in a perfectly safe room with nothing to do! Remembering this silliness really helps. And then it's possible to have compassion for the poor try-too-hard and freakout-too-easy parts of our mind. These parts are like little children going through growing pains. And we just have to be the loving parent that observes intimately and watches the child grow up. It can be amazing how a grown adult can be turned into a weepy mess when they directly experiences how vulnerable parts of the psyche is. But that's just the way this meditation thing happens sometimes. It's okay. If there was a magical way to just wave a wand and fix everything it would be great, but instead we have to go through this very weird and humbling process of sitting with ourself with nothing to distract us from what's there.
Of course, it might be out of your system and the next retreat is just delicious and expansive equanimity. That's cool too! Just remember to do the same thing: see all the individual sensations and emotions and thoughts that make up Equanimity. Things like calm and ease and peace and space can also be investigated. Don't make the assumption that "you" are calm and at ease and peaceful and spacious --- these are also things that can be observed. So make sure to keep investigating in EQ and even investigating the sensations and emotions and thoughts that seem to be associated with "the observer". EQ can feel kind of trippy with a sense of being the observer of an observer -- wild stuff!
Best wishes. Take it easy, practice gently but consistently. Try not to take things too personally and see if you can find a way to laugh a little at the absurdity of it all. Only meditators can appreciate meditation and only people who have been on retreat can appreciate how challenging and rewarding it is to be on retreat.
Congratulations for making the time and commitment to your practice!
Just remember, the difficult stuff is where the real learning takes place. Directly experiencing this stuff in our meditation is 100000 times more effective than reading/thinking about it. When the difficult stuff happens, take the position of "the observer" of the difficult stuff and get curious about it. Resisting what is already happening only makes it worse. (As they say in psychology, "what you resist, persists".) When you can be the observer and see confusion as confusion, anxiety as anxiety, anger as anger, fatigue as fatigue... it becomes a little less personal.
"You" are not confused, but the body and mind is. "You" are not anxious, but the body and mind is. Etc. Etc. See if you can notice the individual sensations and emotions and thoughts that make up "confusion". It's not one single solid thing --- it's a dance of events within the body. If you see all the pieces, it doesn't become a big pile of freak-out. Same thing with anxiety, anger, and fatigue. All of those are actually endlessly fascinating.
Once you get the hang of looking at it this way, at some point you might even want this stuff to arise, just so that you can investigate it! Reobservation can be a very bizarre and almost exhilerating feeling of turbulance, almost like the A&P, when the difficult stuff is experienced very directly, very closely, very intimately.
It's also helpful if you see how silly it all is. This poor mind freaking out about stuff when you're just sitting in a perfectly safe room with nothing to do!
Remembering this silliness really helps. And then it's possible to have compassion for the poor try-too-hard and freakout-too-easy parts of our mind. These parts are like little children going through growing pains. And we just have to be the loving parent that observes intimately and watches the child grow up. It can be amazing how a grown adult can be turned into a weepy mess when they directly experiences how vulnerable parts of the psyche is. But that's just the way this meditation thing happens sometimes. It's okay. If there was a magical way to just wave a wand and fix everything it would be great, but instead we have to go through this very weird and humbling process of sitting with ourself with nothing to distract us from what's there.Of course, it might be out of your system and the next retreat is just delicious and expansive equanimity. That's cool too! Just remember to do the same thing: see all the individual sensations and emotions and thoughts that make up Equanimity. Things like calm and ease and peace and space can also be investigated. Don't make the assumption that "you" are calm and at ease and peaceful and spacious --- these are also things that can be observed. So make sure to keep investigating in EQ and even investigating the sensations and emotions and thoughts that seem to be associated with "the observer". EQ can feel kind of trippy with a sense of being the observer of an observer -- wild stuff!
Best wishes. Take it easy, practice gently but consistently. Try not to take things too personally and see if you can find a way to laugh a little at the absurdity of it all.
Only meditators can appreciate meditation and only people who have been on retreat can appreciate how challenging and rewarding it is to be on retreat. Congratulations for making the time and commitment to your practice!
"When the body and mind is in fight or flight mode it can really difficult to just observe.
Deep breathing is what saved me on the final day of the retreat. That is one thing I did get out of the retreat. I was able to sharpen a tool or two from my toolbox."
Hi Pixel and nice work!
When mind-body is in fight or flight mode we can note "difficulty to observe, dull, hard to concentrate, self-pitty, sadness, unpleasant, desire for all to just stop or be better, aversion, body sensations of sadness etc ..."
What "saved" helped me during my very heavy re-observation back in 2019 was shouting out aloud the matter of fact notes/labels of what was experienced (I was on the verge to start crying and my face was violently cringing) Did this shouting aloud Just to keep me on the seat as I was so close to roll up the mat and give up It helped.
But you can't do that on a group retreat so well done for making the breathing work that time!
Wishing you all the best!
Deep breathing is what saved me on the final day of the retreat. That is one thing I did get out of the retreat. I was able to sharpen a tool or two from my toolbox."
Hi Pixel and nice work!
When mind-body is in fight or flight mode we can note "difficulty to observe, dull, hard to concentrate, self-pitty, sadness, unpleasant, desire for all to just stop or be better, aversion, body sensations of sadness etc ..."
What "saved" helped me during my very heavy re-observation back in 2019 was shouting out aloud the matter of fact notes/labels of what was experienced (I was on the verge to start crying and my face was violently cringing) Did this shouting aloud Just to keep me on the seat as I was so close to roll up the mat and give up
It helped. But you can't do that on a group retreat so well done for making the breathing work that time!
Wishing you all the best!
To add on for Mr. P: remember that "desire for deliverance" is a state too. That whole wanting this to go away, wanting it to be better, developing strategies and manipulations to work on the the problem --- that's the desire for deliverance nana. When you can see all the struggle and problem-solving as struggle and problem solving in the body/mind, you are 99% through it.
"Desire for deliverance" feels very close to being a good meditator -- lots of talking to yourself, lots of thoughts about meditation maps and ways to the next nana, so smart and so clever, yet so desperate --- but that too needs to be seen just as it is by "the observer". Notice how this poor little mind is trying to be such a good meditator but it is making it complicated for himself by doing anything except simply noticing and noting what is occuring right now, just as it is. You can note "wanting it to be over", you can note "wanting to fix this", you can note "meditation mapping", you can note "meditation strategies", "future thoughts", "planning thoughts", "judgement thoughts", etc etc.
Then usually reobservation hits (and it's like desire for deliverance times three) and it feels like too much and total defeat and you want to give up --- so good, give up! But don't leave the retreat. Just give up trying to change things and keep sitting. You haven't lost. You're just not struggling anymore. Aha! Aha! You're not struggling any more!!! Just stay on retreat, lick your wounds a little without being dramatic about it... and notice how easy things are when you give up. That's usually when BIG equanimity hits again.
Hope this helps.
"Desire for deliverance" feels very close to being a good meditator -- lots of talking to yourself, lots of thoughts about meditation maps and ways to the next nana, so smart and so clever, yet so desperate --- but that too needs to be seen just as it is by "the observer". Notice how this poor little mind is trying to be such a good meditator but it is making it complicated for himself by doing anything except simply noticing and noting what is occuring right now, just as it is. You can note "wanting it to be over", you can note "wanting to fix this", you can note "meditation mapping", you can note "meditation strategies", "future thoughts", "planning thoughts", "judgement thoughts", etc etc.
Then usually reobservation hits (and it's like desire for deliverance times three) and it feels like too much and total defeat and you want to give up --- so good, give up! But don't leave the retreat. Just give up trying to change things and keep sitting. You haven't lost. You're just not struggling anymore. Aha! Aha! You're not struggling any more!!! Just stay on retreat, lick your wounds a little without being dramatic about it... and notice how easy things are when you give up.
That's usually when BIG equanimity hits again.Hope this helps.
When I was going through that rather rough experience thinking I will go insane, I did shout out notes 1-3 notes per second. I did lean into it all as the shouting was so audible it was motivating to keep at it.
I didn't do it to fix stuff but to rather keep my ars on the cushion sensing the urge to get up and run away
Noting silently or noting aloud is still very much the same. As long it's matter of fact.
My mind kept looping some assumption about a red car about to pass our house on the road. I could not see this road of course but it kept on and on with mind images and anticipation on on and on again. It felt like I'm to snap and go insane. But then after the 45 minutes sit the alarm went off and that was about it. I survived, and was not insane (or so I believe)
After this low EQ opened up and stuff developed from there. In this part it's of great importance not to cling to the EQ Nana, as in, out of fear of falling back into the Re-observation. It's ok. Just gently keep noting the qualities of the EQ Nana. Look around it as if entering a space of sorts. Matter of fact noticing/noting. Gently.
Best wishes!
I didn't do it to fix stuff but to rather keep my ars on the cushion sensing the urge to get up and run away
Noting silently or noting aloud is still very much the same. As long it's matter of fact.
My mind kept looping some assumption about a red car about to pass our house on the road. I could not see this road of course but it kept on and on with mind images and anticipation on on and on again. It felt like I'm to snap and go insane. But then after the 45 minutes sit the alarm went off and that was about it. I survived, and was not insane (or so I believe)
After this low EQ opened up and stuff developed from there. In this part it's of great importance not to cling to the EQ Nana, as in, out of fear of falling back into the Re-observation. It's ok. Just gently keep noting the qualities of the EQ Nana. Look around it as if entering a space of sorts. Matter of fact noticing/noting. Gently.
Best wishes!
Mr Pixel
I'm pretty sure that was me yesterday.
Does it matter if the mind is moving so fast that it's difficult to note? Will noting get me through dark night quicker? I usually just breathe and pay attention to sensations in the body. I don't note thoughts very well because the mind is so busy it's hard to keep up.
shargrolThen usually reobservation hits (and it's like desire for deliverance times three) and it feels like too much and total defeat and you want to give up
I'm pretty sure that was me yesterday.
Does it matter if the mind is moving so fast that it's difficult to note? Will noting get me through dark night quicker? I usually just breathe and pay attention to sensations in the body. I don't note thoughts very well because the mind is so busy it's hard to keep up.
AHA --- be very very wary of the idea of "getting through the dark night FASTER". That's the ego sneaking into the game. What you want to focus on is "learning from the dark night BETTER". The dark night is where we truly learn to drop our attempts at manipulating our experience. If we resist what is occuring, then the dark night is a suck fest. If we go with what is occuring, then the dark night becomes jhanic. So really, the dark night is teaching us to let go. Frankly, most of us wouldn't let go unless we were forced to in this way. (I remember someone saying something like, "everything I've eventually let go of has left a trail of clawmarks behind it.
)The trick with thoughts is to note broad categories of thinking. So just every 15 seconds or so, note the general theme of what you are thinking about. Come up with your own categories of thought. I've tended to use "planning thought" "judging thought" "past regret thought" "future worry thought" "comparison thought" "meditation mapping thought" "better performance thought" --- make up a few broad categories, including the categories of thought that tend to really trap you. What you don't want to do is come up with a note "this is the thought where I remember about that time when my family forgot about me in the car on that hot summer day..."
This is too long of a note and it just turns into more thinking. You would want to use something like "past abandonment thought". Basically, you are using your intellect in a way that simply and objectively describes what your mind is doing as if you were observing it from afar. The whole point of noting thoughts is you don't repress them, you don't indulge them, you observe them and you make a general note about them so you don't get totally sucked into them. This helps you to be an "objective observer" of your own mind.
Remember that "reobservation" is also called the "rolling up the mat" stage in Zen. It's when people leave the temple. But it's so ironic because it's sort of the last stand of the ego before it becomes accepting and broad minded. If you quit, then the childish ego gets to stay in control and you don't develop an adult equanimity with your own body/mind.
Here's another very important quote that has helped me a lot in the past. It's from Tarin, from the early days of DhO:
“the dark night territory - particularly late dark night - has a habit of making me unsure which methods are best to employ in practice. should i note? should i use open awareness? should i pay attention to the wide vibrations? should i go with the discomfort? should i observe the questioning? etc etc. i would feel very dissatisfied with anything i tried. eventually i realised that the nature of re-observation to was to have a cow with anything and everything and when i realised this it mattered a whole lot less what i did since i knew i would have no way of knowing if it was effective practice or not! regardless, my recommendation would be to note or observe frustration, pain, doubt, boredom, distraction, gaming, predicting, expecting, etc etc when and where they arise and make sure - i mean really make fucking sure - that if you're killing yourself trying to meditate that you note that too
“ Hope this helps!
Is it a solo retreat?
Be gentle to yourself and only ever keep noting or noticing what actually is happening. Do not go into wishful thinking. And if you do NOTE it 
All experience can be used for awakening.
If stuff gets too hectic bring attention back to the body sensations. Body sensations are a great starting and re-starting point. And there is always an aspect with the body even in EQ it can feel like space but in other Nanas it certainly offers experiential richness to be noted.
If concenteation is gone don't chase it! Instead note the qualities/feeling tones and mind states of that dull inability to concentrate.
Long story short, remain in Acceptance of any and all matter of fact arise-passing phenomena.
Be gentle and work the sits but cut yourself a slack when off cushion. It's not a military boot camp!
Best wishes!
Be gentle to yourself and only ever keep noting or noticing what actually is happening. Do not go into wishful thinking. And if you do
NOTE it All experience can be used for awakening. If stuff gets too hectic bring attention back to the body sensations. Body sensations are a great starting and re-starting point. And there is always an aspect with the body even in EQ it can feel like space but in other Nanas it certainly offers experiential richness to be noted.
If concenteation is gone don't chase it!
Instead note the qualities/feeling tones and mind states of that dull inability to concentrate. Long story short,
remain in Acceptance of any and all matter of fact arise-passing phenomena. Be gentle and work the sits but cut yourself a slack when off cushion. It's not a military boot camp!
Best wishes!
Well done on cutting the nicotine out of your life!
I know first hand what a bitch nicotine is, both for health and finance! Im
glad I stopped. And yes it was difficult but worthwhile!
Best wishes for your journey!
I know first hand what a bitch nicotine is, both for health and finance! Im
glad I stopped. And yes it was difficult but worthwhile!
Best wishes for your journey!
During my work with Kenneth Folk for 5-6 months, my longest session was 60 minutes. Mostly 45 minutes 2 to 3 times a day. Daily.
I didn't need to sit longer. But I was noting 3-5 sensations a second most of the sits without getting lost or sidetracked. If the concentration was bad I would note all the sensations and feelings and mind states associated with "bad concentration" hence really it was not bad at all
Just to share my experience. I'm not saying don't sit 1.5-2 hours in one go. Do as you feel inspired but dont go quantity over quality.
Best wishes!
I didn't need to sit longer. But I was noting 3-5 sensations a second most of the sits without getting lost or sidetracked. If the concentration was bad I would note all the sensations and feelings and mind states associated with "bad concentration" hence really
it was not bad at all Just to share my experience. I'm not saying don't sit 1.5-2 hours in one go. Do as you feel inspired but dont go quantity over quality.
Best wishes!
Ok so the meditation retreat was great but I ended up getting Covid the following day (Monday). Tuesday and Wednesday were the worst, I felt like I got hit by a cement truck. Lol.
Most of the symptoms have subsided and I seem to be in a lower state of EQ. It feels nice.
Concentration is slowly improving but it's still not focused. My teacher has empasized the quality of patience. So... you're pretty much looking at a new, more patient man
Right now I'm meditating about an hour and a half to two hours a day but it is a challenge because I still feel some fatigue. I have been meditating with eyes open. My teacher has instructed me to do fire kasina or to stare at a colorful piece of paper while sitting. There was some resistance to this initially but I'm starting to get into it. With eyes closed I tend to get sleepy.
I signed up for one more retreat. This time I'll be doing it full time. It's a 6-day retreat starting on November 6th. I have a good feeling about this one. I am smoke free, I have a nifty new meditation practice, and if I test negative and my symptoms are gone I'll be able to do it at the monastery. If I'm still sick then I'll have to do it from home on zoom.
Until next time.
Most of the symptoms have subsided and I seem to be in a lower state of EQ. It feels nice.
Concentration is slowly improving but it's still not focused. My teacher has empasized the quality of patience. So... you're pretty much looking at a new, more patient man
Right now I'm meditating about an hour and a half to two hours a day but it is a challenge because I still feel some fatigue. I have been meditating with eyes open. My teacher has instructed me to do fire kasina or to stare at a colorful piece of paper while sitting. There was some resistance to this initially but I'm starting to get into it. With eyes closed I tend to get sleepy.
I signed up for one more retreat. This time I'll be doing it full time. It's a 6-day retreat starting on November 6th. I have a good feeling about this one. I am smoke free, I have a nifty new meditation practice, and if I test negative and my symptoms are gone I'll be able to do it at the monastery. If I'm still sick then I'll have to do it from home on zoom.
Until next time.