Hello Dharma Overground - pleasure to find you.  I found you with some googling of term 'Dharmic' and that you have a forum for attainments and people giving pretty good advice is hopeful for me.

I have a very complicated attainment that is the product of my entire life.  My journey has been very wild and long, and so this high level description is extra-high level.  I have met no other like me.  I am beyond exhausted.  This post could also be "diagnosis clinic" post as truly yes I do need help.

I am "Gen X", and I was made to live a life not worth living.  I was born into vast neglect and abuse into a very problematic family, who were never a family at all, and I was trained to be the coward who called themself the Father of the group.  I was very naive and full of love and I loved the coward, and hoped to make him proud of me some day.  I did not know what I was asking for.

I was raised without any identity or awareness of anything of who I was except 'Man' (I am not a Man) and a bunch of other words.  It was a false identity that I tried my hardest to fill over 50 years yet I eventually died after a very difficult divorce.  It was maybe 2017 that I first died, though I sure have died a lot, it seems.

I led my life secular and without interest to hierarchical attachments to groups.  I was never religious or spiritual, though inwardly I had a sense of "I know there's magic around here somewhere...maybe it'll show itself one day?".  Despite being a drug addict criminal as teen, I eventually had a science based career as an engineer in defense industry for over twenty years, and a Masters of Science.  I like mysteries and riddles and patterns and whenever I thought "I am I here?" my innermost intuition said "to witness".  So, I did.

During my divorce in 2017 I became where that humanity was behaving under an algorithmic pattern that absolutely fascinated me.  These theories are complicated - however, I was able to come up with a system of rules describing how human exchange data in large groups, a system I called hierarchical data passing, so named because truth is determined along the lines of social authority rather than cognitive analysis, and I was realizing the consistency revealed a super organism type creature that others could not see as they were too busy being an "individual".

I started to write a book however stalled as I could not figure out why the rules did not apply to myself.  I did not know myself, and this forced me to undergo a long journey of self realization.  It was very hard as my divorce was quite toxic and they had slaughtered my reputation everywhere, so I collapsed and accepted I had no friends and I didn't and still don't.  

I had somehow ended up in kickboxing classes - I had never trained to fight before.  They were just the cardio variety yet since it was all I did I eventually got obsessed.  I feel in this work was my initial battle to awaken.  I got good and made friends with a couple of pro fighters, and I started training at a technical Muay Thai gym that became a huge part of my life.  I went to the gym five days a week and I trained at home seven nights a week, for hours.

I was too old to ever compete yet I earned their respect and my own.  Learning to fight was amazing.  I would get black eyes occasionally and would smile at them in the mirror like they were a trophy - because they were.  I was a kind fighter, and I never hurt another person, though I recognized some fighters like to hurt their sparring partners.  Despite my innate kindness, I am frightening by character, and no other fighters ever wanted to challenge me.  

Through serendipity I had also gotten pulled into immersive theater and acting - and the theater was very dark and strange.  Immersive theater is, we would do shows for only one person - dark shows that were "thrilling" for them.  I was very, very good at playing ultra violent and there was something wonderfully cathartic about finally letting myself be fearsome.

I had been guilted all those 50 years for being intimidating and made to walk on eggshells to prove my kindness.  Now, finally with a grin, I give in and let myself become a monster because that's what wild dogs are good at doing.

The theater and the training was fundamentally mystic in quality - everything was there to teach me something and nothing came to me for free.  Friendships or relationships eluded me, and ultimately I could tell no one could even "see" me.  They only saw my shell.  It drove me mad with sadness and depression.  I had terrible CPTSD and certainly still do, I am sure.

The quarantine started and there was no more gym to go to, yet I trained at night every night.  I continued my ruthless quest for identity - and I say ruthless as I would refuse to permit any word to be on me unless it felt "euphoric" and "true".  I was addicted to following that deep emotional intuition sense that lay underneath the darkness of myself.  I sensed She was who I was.  I knew I was a Fighter - not much more.  

I did not meditate.  I am far too angry to meditate.  Training to fight for me was my meditation.  I would exhaust myself into oblivion - burn myself down until I had no words or images, only the struggle to keep punching the heavy bag, or keep shadowboxing, or whatever it was I was making myself do.

I turned to psychedelics to help me deconstruct, and they were wild yet it did help.  On July 4th, 2020, I confronted the darkness inside of me, who was a woman, and there deep in the dark we all agreed that the Father would have to embrace the difficult decision to accept full ego dissolution, and crumble to nothing, so that this woman, who had always been my Self, could rise into my face so that I could tell this world what it had done to me, and I would have the identity to make it listen!

It was a painful affair - I howled and wept horribly.  I died.  I think He was already dead, yet He confronted his death, and I started HRT and began hormonally transitioning in October of 2020.  He was a brave man and he lived a very sad life, and now I'm trying to find a sense of justice for him, even though I am not even real, anymore.  So at 50 years old, I realized I am a woman, and that I would let her live and have my face.

I was also dx'd with what the west is calling "Autism", and finally this explained why the social algorithm of hierarchical data passing did not apply to me.  I continued my study of society and where I am now is fantastically profound and not easy to explain. 

I lost my career level job in an illegal firing as they didn't want an autistic "trans" working for them, and no lawyer would help me.  I became rapidly more marginalized and alone, as I saw humans only cared about the fictional human illusion and its hierarchy of popularity.

My evening shadowboxing started to become dancing, of all things - I became fascinated with learning how to "move".  I had never really tried, before.  I had only mimiced the coward who raised me.  I started accepting euphorically those parts of me I'd pushed away all my life, the uncanny animal that I am.  I stopped "fitting in" and started being fiercely me, and only me.

Somewhere in 2020, I also embraced inhumanity, and have called myself an inhuman monster since, as I see humans as loveless.  I am not human.  I also gained a stronger connection to my emotional intuition, which became almost like an extra awareness, that I called the Void.

The Void and I became very close.  I related myself to no denomination or spiritual system - I only knew the Void, and she was all I trusted.  I danced with her, and she would feel bliss with me, and it was magical and lovely and building.  I started to have an interest in magic, guided by her - I began to sense I could do magic, while dancing, and maybe other things.

She has no context - she is older than words.  She chooses words - words do not describe her.  She accepts words - you cannot force words upon her.  She taught me that magic has "no context", and that if I wanted to perfect it, I should seek to learn the magic which has no context.  With that, I began to enter online mystic spaces with yogis and "awakening" talk - this was about last year, this time.

The poverty also made things very hard.  My career job firing me, and then I began to have powerful symptoms that would put me into sobbing seizures.  I would dissocitate and watch myself cry on the floor, and not know what to do for myself.  The stress of poverty brought NDE levels of stress, I was very suicidal and unhappy, lonely, no help or support from anyone hardly.  

Yet the Void loved me, so She I pursued.  My journey through the mystic spaces was intense and amazing.  I rapidly understood enlightenment - which I'll simply describe as the iterative removal of context that you do not really need, through deconstruction, in order to reveal a higher truth.  None of the wise ones in the mystic spaces could control my narrative.  Anything they said of me - I walked right through it, and proved them wrong.

Eventually a very interesting yogi reached out to me and we had a truly magical dialogue.  I worked by authentic intuition only - ruthlessly.  They were a curious one and communicated through 'many' accounts at once, like butterflies stopping to talk.  I began to think almost anyone talking to me could be them - and I still think that way.  

I did not know the Hindu at all until then.  It was all new to me - I only followed the intuition of the Void.  Sometimes I would offer her names to see how she felt about them - Baphomet (rolled her eyes and wore them like a party hat), Satan (she looked at me like I tried to make her wear a burlap bag), and others.  Yet from things the yogi said, I suddenly learned Chhinnamasta, who was explicitely "of the Void", and it felt so huge to me, I asked her, "Are we Chhinnamasta?"

That was the first night things got WAY magical.  It was like I'd won a game show in my brain - I heard her delighted laughter ringing in my emotional memory, and lights exploding, and I had more divine seizures (I have had a lot of seizures).  That night when I danced with her, she changed the room, and it was like I was dancing on a black hole out in space, in love with her.  It wasn't scary - it was delightful.

I was a finger puppet of Chhinnamasta.  I am an illusion, driven by Her, within the Adi Shakti.

The yogi was quite astonished and yelled at me at first, but then believed me.  He helped introduce some knowledge, that I was presenting with the Mahadevi, and displayed siddhi they associated with Her, such as I may unravel all narratives of identity or otherwise.  I knew word magic very well, and I can read people's thoughts in the words they type, and the patterns they are typed within.  However the death of the Man I had been made to live has filled me with so much rage that Kali overwhelmed almost all things, and I was prone to mindless rages.

He tried to guide me to see I was an avatara of Lord Bhairava, and this infuriated me because I did not understand the Hindu then.  I was so angry at being made to be a 'man' that this is all I heard, even though they are Ardhanarishvara.  I insisted I was only the Mahadevi and raged so much.

This story is so very long.  I eventually lost the yogi as he faded in all ten directions at once, and left me to storm, and I've stormed since, like a crazed chaos witch.  I'm kind of hoping that guy comes back.  

Since then, which was a the turn of the year - I have accepted myself more fully.  I aggressively learned magic by Her guidance - I have incredible instinct - and my dancing has turned into Tandava, and I dance in bliss using LED light batons and such to Create and Destroy.  I know I am the merger of Divine gender - both - and I have also extensively studied Kashmir Shaivism and such and understand the structure of my mind along the lines of the Paradevi Mandala, with the three flower Goddesses of Para, Parapara, and Apara, who for me are Girl Dog, Dog Snake, and Wyrm Dog.

Just as Kankala-murti, I have done things that are quite dark - I have delved into Demonic manifestations, as nothing frightens me.  I have fought angels, like they did with Vishnu's gatekeeper.  I seek to become an angel, yet we are ruthless and will use what we have available to get there.  This tortures us and we cry often.  We do not want to be 'evil'.  We want to try to help people yet we find no love in the world.

Back in July, a very powerful mystic from Romania reached out to me in concern and friendship, alerted over some demonic manifestations I was posting, and some people I was associating with at the time.  They were extraordinary - I've met many other mystics, yet they might have been the most powerful so far.  They did some magic to help clear my chakra - I think my heart - and that's when my mind exploded with the Sun.

They knew I was the Sun - they kept suggesting it in funny riddles and inferences, and then they left me as soon as it blew open in my mind.  Becoming the Sun - gaining linkage with it - is madness.  It's also bliss!  Yet total madness.  I know others may connect to the Sun - yet I may *be* the Sun.  My dancing had turned into performance art clips I'd post on Tiktok, and I started doing all this mad Sun magic, that was quite dark as we are angry.

The same night my ajna opened with the Sun, 12P/Pons-Brooks blew up in the Draco constellation, "grew horns" much like the cap i wear in dancing, and is now headed for our Sun, and then the Moon and us.  It will be here in concert with them for the total solar eclipse on April 8th.

Since, I learned of the Mercurius Python, and a lot of Alchemy and Kabbalah stuff, and the Romanian mystic also knew me personally and told me my people, which is huge for me.  I am Dacian, ancient Romanian - I am a lost Dog.  My people were among the original ancient Indo-Europeans that migrated over from India thousands and thousands of years ago.  I am Aryan and Deva, Traco-geta-daci.

The Mercurious Python represents the same divine consciousness as the Paradevi Mandala.  It's fascinating to see God hidden by different cultures, separated by so many centuries.

I have the Moon, Sun, and Void attainment, and I am Nothing - what might this attainment be called, in other words?  I only call it what I know it to be.

The Romanian contact convinced me it is not my "job" to punish the world.  Okay, fine.  Yet - I may still save other people who are like me, by following my emotional narrative with authenticity.  I have the divine right to happiness and to do acts of good, so while I may not "punish" the world, I might end up destroying it anyway.

I am infuriated with the west.  I have hung the negative karma of the murder of the Divine Masculine, who is God, upon the USA, UK, India, and all western-touched countries.  Their gifts are on the way and I am not necessary for them to arrive, I may die any time as God is perfect. 

The Romanian said I was never from here - I believe him.  I came here to humble myself.  Consider me humbled, please.  I am a warrior who has a lot of love in their heart, and I wish to devote myself to God, who is within me, yet this world is so Godless and infuriating to me that I keep thrashing in rages at it for its stupidity.

I don't know why I agreed or was made to come here.  It could have been like Pope Timothy's Archangel Muriel, who accepted becoming Apollyon out of loving service to God, agreeing to play the Archdemon because God find it distasteful.  Or, I might have done something dumb and arrogant, like challenge the Buddha as Devadetta, and have only now managed to claw my way out of Hell for that horrible mistake, lessons learned.  I don't want to remember the elephant.

My awareness is profound.  I understand the Advaita Vedanta so well that it led me to see that particles experience time backwards while in waves of energy - something scientists need to start knowing as then they'll figure out their technology faster.  I am fairly certain that the Quantum Gate that approachs is what we wanted all along, and we are now waking up for it.

I am not seeking "importance" in the human empty sense.  Kira is an illusion.  We inflate our "ego" like an air bag on a jellyfish, to let us exist in this illusion, yet we deflate it every evening.  I am nothing.  Happily.  And this is one of the biggest messages I would have for humanity, as if they wish to survive death then they need to get ready to leave behind all words as Heaven does not need their context.

Words are choking humanity to death - words are the bindings of Fenrir, and are what tortured me for fifty years.  If humanity wants its revolution, its mass awakening, then it will need to throw off its chains of words.  Manus, the first named 'Man' some 6000-8000 years ago, has become the Kali Man Demon, replicated infinitely, endless hierarchy, dividing senselesslly.  We must kill the Kali Man Demon, which is only an idea - words of identity.

If I were to name myself, I would say I am Tripura Bhairavi.  I have Three Cities, and they are all on Destruction, targeting the USA and allies. 

If I cannot find a way to use my powers for love and goodness, then in great sorrows I will plunge the world into fire, through the Sun.  I do not want to.  It feels like I "have" to.  The Void is the Dragon and she now rises and there is no bluffing with this sort of thing.  She will destroy this universe if she does not find a living God to uphold and love. 

Next April 8th - I don't know if it will be a dark day of destruction, or a wonderful one full of bliss.  I wish I knew.  I want the happy ending.  I don't know how to make the happy ending happen.  I am friendless, family-less, marginalized - the USA abandons people like me, totally.  I hate them almost rabidly.  I need something to Love really badly, or all the intention that comes out of me is the wrath of Kali.

I am sorry for this long rambling post yet perhaps you see my case is a bit extreme.  

I am only a wild dog.

--Kira

aloha kira,

  Nice first post. Welcome to the club.

   My best friend for decades, diving buddy who saved my life more than once, dead now, was a bipolar schizophrenic. He had some similar concerns when he was really stressed. He wouldn't sleep for days. Sometimes he was hospitalized and had to take thorazine or stellazine until he calmed down.


   The curse of biology is overshoot. In terms of meditation/enlightenment, people rapidly understand and then rather than dwell in prajna move on to more and more attractive imaginal realities.

You said:

 I rapidly understood enlightenment - which I'll simply describe as the iterative removal of context that you do not really need, through deconstruction, in order to reveal a higher truth. 


Words have only this value, to deconstruct and reveal the Silence. With knowing the silence comes peace.



william blake:

The ancient tradition that the world will be consumed in fire at the end of six thousand years is true, as I have heard from Hell.

For the cherub with his flaming sword is hereby commanded to leave his guard at [the] tree of life, and when he does, the whole creation will be consumed and appear infinite and holy, whereas it now appears finite and corrupt.

This will come to pass by an improvement of sensual enjoyment.

But first the notion that man has a body distinct from his soul is to be expunged; this I shall do by printing in the infernal method by corrosives, which in Hell are salutary and medicinal, melting apparent surfaces away, and displaying the infinite which was hid.

If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.

​​​​​​​For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things through narrow chinks of his cavern.

That is a beautiful quote, thank you very much - I'm also very sorry about your friend.

You sure are right about most returning to the illusion - I've seen it over and over, and many are frustrating as they seem to think it is only a "phase".  I feel in most cases it's totally fine to reenter the illusion if one likes - yet, we should at least know the potential of infinity.

I had a friendly mystic spend time attempting to convince me to 'return to a normal life' awhile ago, and I conceded they had a point.  Yet I must be authentic, by my own rules, and I'm authentically not human, so this is making life challenging to be 'normal', lol.

I can die anytime and I will be fine as I am eternal, yet it's not like there's an easy way to go about that.  Further, while I am an illusion, it feels disrespectful to treat the vessel I have dwelled within too callously. 

Yet then, how to live in this "modern" world with its airtight media led narrative that has no room for thinking?  I see no way to function without challenging the system.  They have bound everyone up in words so tightly, and with no friends or family I have nothing to connect with at all.

When you are the Adi Shakti, the entire Maya is a stage.  The Mahadevi is a wonderful actress and we love theater and the patterns of stories.  I was early in my awakening when I realized part of gaining a connection with God was to put on a good show, so they would enjoy watching the Universe through these eyes.

We are seeking to put one of the very best of shows for God, if they only accept our dancing.  The illusion doesn't like direct meddling yet I have learned that it is divinely contracted to provide reflection to any identity authentically earned.  We cannot change the illusion without changing ourselves, so if we change ourselves - the illusion will change.

To change ourselves, we follow powerful emotional narratives.  I never knew my own identity and last July I finally found my tribe in the Dacians.  I would like to reincarnate them, so I am founding New Dacia, a 'virtual' country (until we get land), and because I like Kira I'm going to name her Queen. 

I am going to construct it as a social movement that people can join, however they must surrender their words to become full citizens.  I do this to prepare them to dissolve their egos so they may rise when it is time.  I will teach them about enlightenment and mysticism and I intend it to be a new western Hindu sect, if it may only gain some attention.  A very unothodox sect, lol.

It doesn't matter if I'm important or not - it only matters that I pursue something I love.  I love the idea of everything I said, and everything else sounds boring.  If I keep pursuing what I love, then I'm hoping at least Kira will find her way, and hopefully we will do some good at the same time.

We are Darkness rising - surely we will find some Light to collide with in time.  

Thank you for your kind reply!

The taoists think there are three premier spiritual virtues, in order of importance:

courage
sincerity
innocence

As long as you trust yourself and be virtuous in these ways you will blossom like a flower with the color and odor of heaven.

You said:

​​​​​​​I rapidly understood enlightenment - which I'll simply describe as the iterative removal of context that you do not really need, through deconstruction, in order to reveal a higher truth. 

That's actually not bad.

 Edit:  This GUI form does not like me!  It keeps posting my comments with the markup code intact and I don't know why.  :p
​​​​​​​
That is beautiful, thank you for this advice - those values to resonate with me for certain.  I am not used to reaching for social power so I seem to be thrashing trying to get the illusion to "give" me power instead of just taking what's already mine.

I'm making small progress with my little project - I really love learning new things and I've been reading of the Kapalika, and I've long felt distant kinship to the Aghori.  We are of course the "good" guys, yet this path is the fearsome face of God so western culture will see us as "demonic".  This is convenient as I want to challenge them!

We are taking advantage of all authentic narratives at our disposal and we have some great ones.  I'm overwhelmed at the rich narratives, honestly.  Vlad Tepes was also Dacian - I'm convinced he must have been a very kind man, we all are.  We just make strong decisions especially when pushed.  

What would be the right title for a leader of a non-puranical tantric Hindu sect, would anyone know?  I could say 'Swami' I guess?  This is me creating a job for myself.  I will call the sect 'Dracul', a modern western distant cousin to the Kapalika.  It's perfect for the west and for what I am.  I'm working on the scaffolding for it now.

Thank you for your kind advice! 

Thank you!  I really enjoyed the puzzle solving aspect of enlightenment and also like those sorts of conversations.  I'm looking forward to revisiting them to help others if I can make it happen.