Hey all:

I have decided to start keeping a practice log here, as I don't currently have access to retreats or meditation teachers right this second. (That may change in a month or two.)

I meditated irregularly from 2017 to 2019, maybe once or twice a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I use Headspace which helped me greatly earlier in the process but feels irrelevant now.

My practice has been more consistent since 2020. 2020 I meditated every day for 20 minutes.
2021 and 2022 were back down to 3-5 days a week from 10 to 30 minutes a day.
Since December 5th 2022 (my "reality shift" point), minimum 20-40 minutes but more like 1-3 hours a day most days. Around March to April I dropped down to 5-10 minutes a day briefly, as I feel like that may have been my A+P Event, and I felt quite ungrounded, so I reduced practice and only did grounding meditations until that energy was a bit more stable. Jhana-like experiences followed, although now only show up quickly before dissipating into something else.

I have only felt "formlessness" of any sort for a millisecond or two, three or four times.

Yesterday I was in my part of my cycle that feels closest to Daniel's description of the Desire for Deliverance and Re-Observation stages. (I do not claim to have those, or any attainments, I just know I am cycling through states that I did not cycle through, at least at this rate, prior to last December when my experience of my reality changed.)

Seeking counsel from you folks helped me stay with the unbearable-seeming sensations, which of course are no longer present after examination.

Today I will sit for two forty minute sessions at least, although I tend to stay past the bell until I get "kicked out" naturally.

I feel as though I have just enough insight to see how impermanent sensations and thoughts are, and I can see when examined that there is no "mine" property to any of them. Trying to chase any sensation feels like a wild goose chase, as the faster I follow them the faster they move. What my brain solidifies into "sensations" seems more like a single electron jumping around the space of my body when I examine them.

I can see that my reality is only made up of sight, hearing, smell, feeling (and mostly internal feeling, at that!), thought and taste, but I'd say I'm still caught in the illusion of thinking these are co-present with one another sometimes.

I can still get quite caught in thoughts, although I have identified that they have a telltale "greasy" sheen to them. Still, I am more likely to catch them after they arise than before.

It is clear that there is fire, earth, and wind operating within the body with most sensations. ( I am told water is the cohesion between these elements, but don't perceive it directly, I don't think.)

I feel the tension the mental "doubling" of sensations is producing and find it quite unbearable when in a low point of the cycle, but have no idea how to undo it.

Just enough pieces of the puzzle to know something is deeply wrong with the way we are taught to conceive of reality, but not enough to know how to undo the conceiving. Which feels like a recipe for driving someone insane.

That's all for now! Update after my sits.

sit 1 12/14

Resolved to spend twenty minutes stabilizing on breath before retrying Shinzen Young’s “gone” noting method for 40 minutes, have not used since first time I tried it back in July, but do feel like it is an effective tool for me. Consciousness was dragged all over the place. Reached a point of tranquility around 20 minutes.

Began “gone” notation.

Many cycles of noting the disappearance of choking, hardness, energy.

Kriya energy up right side that usually would manifest as involuntary movement / teeth chattering - i was able to stay with the label ‘electricity’

Lots of throbbing sensations that would eventually subsist into nothingness as well as full-body energy / tightening / tension waves.

In-breaths felt imbalanced, followed by jolts of the ‘electricity’ sensation. Attempting to note when not present.

typically then an inclination to ‘hold’ abdomen and then arising sensations of wanting to breathe. perhaps did not witness the end of these sensations before breathing.

Out breaths sputtering and flickering.

Reached a point where practice felt good but my stamina for enduring the choking/tightening sensation ran out. 1hour mark precisely

Had difficulty noting the vanishing of sensations versus their appearance. the ‘throb’ of sensations coming into existence is much more dramatic than them throbbing back out. Did my best to count throbs to see when they were "gone."

16.33
Quick 20m ‘involuntary’ sit (I will fall into meditation if I pay enough attention  to what I am doing during a relaxing activity. Was playing videogame and tuned into bodily sensations of tension, suddenly modestly deep for around twenty minutes. Taken out by husband asking question.

“Quick” involuntary sit turned into 90 minute involuntary sit/lay down.

Fell back in - got to cold place where only sensation was of harsh ‘electricity’ or vibrations passing through the body.

Tension and solidity in upper neck area’ peaks as images related to doubt appear.  Usually involving parents. I am typically caught by these images and become aware of them retroactively partway down the out breath. 17.02

Get up, drop back down into while standing, body rotated slowly from left to right for a while until legs burned, then lowered to ground and sat on knees. Solid ‘tumour’ like structure on left side of torso. Was moved slowly left and right by body. Could sometimes apply ‘left’ or ‘right’ to note but often was already halfway through the move. Many ‘jolts’ but electricity, electricity works as a note. Difficult sensations in stomach seem to precede images of birth - umbilical?

Left-right sensations became very subtle but more uncomfortable. Dropped out partway down the out breath when caught by a thought of horror at having constructed a narrative self based on random disconnected sensations.

Keep hitting point of solidity at base of neck during up breath, into slow syrupy underwater/cold/oceanic bodily state. Third jhana? While pleasant, does seem to create ‘acidic’ feeling when it disappears.

Dropped “out” of meditation around 1745 for therapist session.

Overall sensation of cooling, full body breaths as ‘afterglow’ (common afterglow of a calm sit for the last 6 to 8 weeks or so). Cool pleasant feeling persists a few hours after session.

Skipping second planned sit after the 90 minute unplanned one. Bye for now ~*

Work stress delays my sit, although I do feel better when I meditate prior to work stress. Alas! I will get in as much time as I do today.

15.40
20m - expected to stay longer but kicked me out precisely at 20m. Clarity in mind and session not especially present today. Kept approaching what I conceive of as "the Fear of Not Breathing Wall". On the out breath body feels hollow, but then sensations of diaphragm spasming inward arrive in cycles. Subjectively able to note these with more success today, but not enough to eliminate the perceived desire to take a breath, nor to catch the volition to breathe before taking breath.

When chasing sensations in the body (the region of space I refer to as my body, rather), a "flicker" on/off is perceived, but not with enough accuracy to yet tell which is present when. Only note about the flicker is one side of the on/off switch seems to have a lot of negative or stressful feeling valence.

Also hit the "David Lynch Wall" today. There is a moment in recent occuring sits when I am caught by a visual image of a 'supernatural' element from a David Lynch film, usually, but not always, Inland Empire. As I realize I have lost awareness and recognize the image, a large loud exhale on the out-breath occurs, and my bodily awareness returns.

While the "Image of Parents Wall" always carry a negative feeling tone in the body, the David Lynch Wall seems to be linked to mildly pleasant states and a welcoming tone - clearly too welcoming, since I cannot identify it prior to realizing I've hit the Wall.

Will meditate a further 40m each way on public transit (obviously suboptimal conditions, but that's how I started my practice initially, and an easy way to practice during a time I'd otherwise be staring at my phone), then maybe one sit later tonight.

bye for now~*

First transit sit felt productive: "current of electricity" sensation reasonably clear on left side, moves from leg up through cheek, where I lose track of it. Noting "current" does not diminish it. Can perceive beginning and middle of sensation, perhaps not end. Sense of relief when the current sensation passes.

Second transit sit - car was packed, noisy, standing room only. Spent as much of it as I could attending to sensations of tension. Some seem to dissolve with the noting of fire for the "painful" spot, earth for the solid spot.

Sensations of cold or chill seem to arise as soon as I note "fire". Something in me believes there is some sort of doubling, inverting, or mirroring process going on with the process of consciousness, but I don't know what or how it is.

Hit classic "Seeking Reassurance Wall" while mindful on the walk home. This is one of the recurring theme "walls" that guarantees I get absorbed in a visual thought before realizing I've lost awareness. Visualization of me in Japanese robe asking Western meditation teacher for advice, typically. Followed immediately by "Conceit Wall", image of ego attaining wealth, power, success of some kind.

Strongly moving upward heat encounters wall of solidity at nape of neck. This solidity does not diminish with "earth, fire" noting. Reappearance of "exorcist neck" - solid pain - back in Three Characteristics?

As the energy descends down the neck with a loud long out breath, very weak version of "unknown strange head rush sensation" appears again. Rather weak, able to stay with it; when strong, feels as though it knocks me into a state for a few seconds where thoughts, appraisals, and situational awareness cannot be maintained or arise. However, always passes within five to ten "pulses" as my awareness becoming aware I'm not aware of the sensation, which takes me out of it.

This is not that, but is of that same "type" of sensation. But perhaps my ego is just lost in analysis and classification masquerading as insight.

Have more time for proper sits tomorrow, plan for two hours at least. Bye for now ~*

Very contracted and emotionally reactive today.<br /><br /><strong>Sat 12:55-14:35</strong><br />Resolved to enter whatever method would most effectively address sensations of blockages prior to sit.<br /><br />Began <em>metta</em> practice. Concentration arose very infrequently; mind felt battered from place to place, thought to thought, sensation to sensation. Applied effort to gently return to the <em>metta </em>mantras, visualizations and felt sense whenever possible. Constantly lost place, then effortfully but gently returned.<br /><br />One reoccuring sensation of thought stood out as insightful, and generated a feeling of connection between sensations of a particular body region, feelings of blockage or solidity, and two mental images that appeared to make a clear connection between aspects of self in the past, the way those show up in the present, and why those sensations are held in that region. Noted <em>insight, insight </em>and moved on.<br /><br />Applying metta even to self and to loved beings required immense effort and much distracting energy flowed through body. At one point abandoned good Theravada practice to invoke Yeshua, better known as Jesus, for assistance with anchoring in metta, and cultivating forgiveness, understanding, and compassion for self and all others.<br /><br />Was able to continue with <em>metta and forgiveness </em>meditation with Yeshua-Invocation for people who have hurt me, people I have hurt, and people I consider evil. Concentration did arise at end of session, as did many sensations of solidity higher up neck, near occipitalis muscle.<br /><br />Did not attain universal-sized <em>metta </em>but ended session refreshed and with the resolve to cultivate wholesome, loving, and forgiving qualities combined with wisdom to discern when and how to assert needs and boundaries skillfully rather than reactively. This resolve arose out of reflection on the perceived moment of insight listed. Bought into sensations of uncertainty over whether I was "indulging the tape loops of the mind" or discerning genuine next steps along my path.<br /><br />Will sit again later tonight. Bye for now ~*

15:30?-17:20
Second sit of the day wasn't meditation nor planned - just a whole lot of prostrating, surrendering to God, alternating crying out to Yeshua for mercy and relief and Buddha for courage and the wisdom to see the truth.

Moved into many strange contortions. Reappearance of what I like to call "the Matrix Wall" after the scene where Neo falls through the once-solid mirror goo - compelled to lower my jaw to the ground and observe the sensations of what I like to think of as my teeth and jaw give up solidity and sink into the hardwood floor.
I'm not very good at relaxing into sensations of my teeth and jaw spreading into the solidity of the hardwood floor.

Whenever I got a second of clarity would try to redirect attention to the sensations themseves...then cry out to God/Jesus/Buddha again.

Much energy moving up spine and bonking into solid spots all over the place, although attention feels spacious and diffuse.

remainder of dec 16/23

could not stop dropping into observing sensations all evening. strange, intense raptures. physical raptures included strong solidity, heat, and energy moving up spine. became so distracting I had to sit and stay with the physical sensations all evening.

dec 17 / 23
hazy, spacey quality to consciousness today.

sit was 40 minutes then interruption then another 20. what arose was pure sensations, very rapid. concentration reasonably clear. kept hitting ‘fear of not breathing wall’, realized it was arriving, invoked yeshua and buddha again, did not transcend fear of not breathing wall but did last longer until vibrations became really rapid and intense / face felt ‘purple’ from holding breath.

eventually cannot note sensations because they arise too quickly, need to switch to ‘bzz’.

invoked visual thoughts of others to try to examine mental images.

invoked auditory thoughts to break down into syllables. syllables seemed to slow down. could not take to conclusion. the appearance of the “mental” side of the physical/mental flicker seems to be responsible for the acrid, sharp sensations. no idea how to use this.

left sit with desire to sit longer coupled with resistance to the idea of sitting any more today.

19:30
pulled back in for around two hours. some prostrate with forehead on ground, some standing, final stretch laying down. don't really remember this sit well despite just getting out of it. lots of full body electricity, sensations of flowing/expanding alternating with solidity around third eye region, then back of head.

not a ton of conscious mental activity other than crying out to jesus/buddha for harder sensations, most mental activity was devoted to following/perceiving sensations. got caught by a thought or two of course.

first taste of the infamous head pressure.

feels notable: better able to perceive the way that physical sensations seem to be made out of earth element, air element, fire element, water element, including ones seemingly much smaller and faster.

bye for now~*

As you know, all sorts of body sensations can automatically happen during a sit, but when things like head or eye pressure start showing up that seems to be associated with consistent, strong practice... it can be worth considering if there is too much effort being used.

It's really tricky because meditation and purification seems to happen when the mind is pointed "at" sensations as they arise. This focused mindfulness seems to "melt" the solidity of the experience and release it. It's good to learn this technique. But it can also become a forceful habit that gets overused.

One good thing to experiement with is "how much effort does it take to be aware?". The quick answer is that once we develop a good sitting habit, the mind will sort of naturally vipassina things by itself. It can be interesting to get established in meditation and then "let the mind do the meditation itself" for 5 minutes or so, just to see what happens. You can always go back to what you were doing. But chances are you'll notice that the mindfulness is present even without trying to make it happen. And if this seems to balance the energy of practice, then it's a nice trick "to have in the tool box" as a meditator.

Most consistent meditators don't fall into problems of laziness, the fall into problems of trying to force things to happen the way they think it "should". There is a tiny bit of ego reward in "trying hard"  during meditaiton or "trying hard to get through what's arising" and it can be hard to loosen that up. Often all that needs to be done is to intend to have an experience of what is already naturally arising in a sit --- the sensations, urges, emotions, and thoughts ---  as intimately and completely as possible, but in a very gentle way.

True, sometimes we need to ramp up energy to get mindfulness online, but we often forget that we sometimes need to relax our own egotistical ambitions/manipulations and just let things arise and be "seen" on their own. It can be wild to see how arising and seeing can happen with minimal effort from the meditator.

(It will be interesting to see if this turbulance in your sit explodes in an A&P type way, or if it is more of a Reobservation type experience that will resolve itself into EQ. Sometimes when we use too much force, things explode in an A&P type way. Usually navigating Reobs requires a gentle but consistent mindfulness and a "going along for the ride" type appraoch. )

Shargrol:

Thank you so much for this advice and the kind intentions behind it. This ego-vessel is not particularly skilled at kindness towards self and prone to buying into doubt and fear about many things, but especially insufficient discipline.

But my meditations have been taking me wherever they wanted for some time now.
Sounds like you are recommending just letting that play out and see where things lead.

I was mildly excited about the head pressure only because I associate energetic phenomena moving upwards in the body with "progress".

I will also maybe re-engage with some of the other aspects of life I have disengaged from in my desire to attain stream entry as quickly as possible. This goal was borne out of desire to minimize these big "Kundalini"/practice-related symptoms and shifts in self-concept. But perhaps I've lost the plot.

Thanks again for your counsel. I sincerely appreciate it. I will attempt to cultivate gentler approaches and attitudes both on- and off-cushion.

Sit 1 Dec/18

"Involuntary" sit...felt myself relaxing into it while on my laptop, let myself go.

Shargrol's suggestion of reducing effort took me through many of the familiar hard parts, but allowed me to see how I was contracting around them while trying to investigate them, and how this dramatically increased perceptions of pleasant versus unpleasant. When unpleasant or agitating sensations arose, attention would drift towards the whole body or a wider frame.

Repeated mantra of "let reality reveal itself" when noticing this contracting.

Acidic abdominal sensations associated with intense distress reappeared. I felt myself thinking "oh no, I'm falling back down!" ... then tried to let that thought go and release effort. Abdominal sensations felt much less distressing. Definite "kid on christmas morning" energy at times, but tried to pan outward when I noticed this happening to other side of or whole body.

There was a sensation of awareness opening out rather than turning in which seemed to reduce the intensity of sensations.

General "underwater" spacey cool feeling. Pain and pleasure both seem to be around in the body somewhere. This state feels neither pleasant nor unpleasant, as it contains elements of both, in the way opiates can be both pleasant and nauseating concurrently.

Did allow myself to feel pride at thought of having made it to Re-Observation "myself", as until I posted on this board my practice was totally isolated between an app and some books I'd read. Let myself feel the pride while examining it. It felt "healthy," and there was also the sensation of not having felt "healthy pride" sensation in a long time. But then it was gone, as everything else that arose was.

I know I might not be in Re-Observation and Shargrol's message also left room for being in 3C prior to A+P,  but the thought of validation of being on the path was enough. I'm still just a mentally ill guy staring at the inside of his own eyelids for many hours a day, but "I" might not be only that.

Going to continue to let things flow and not strain to make them happen. bye for now ~*

Did not sit any further last night but went out into the world and maintained gentle awareness much of the time. Slight uptick in energy and slight difficulty falling asleep, but overall the state was tranquil and there was a sense that not much needed to be done other than to watch real life in front of me, which felt very rich while still completely ordinary.

There was a feeling of understanding of "in this very life," that nothing about my actual life would change, that my ordinary life would still be the area of study, that I only would have more space within it.

Because I was out and so were other people, tried to witness how the mind attaches "attractive" as a quality to some individuals and not others.

After some time of the calm state, strange raptures arose sometimes but I did not analyze or commit them to memory, as being with them seemed to require my full attention. Any time something novel-feeling or unusual arose, excitement and thought of "is this it? fruition!???" followed, which ensured no fruition followed, of course.

Woke up agitated with work stress, typical of Tuesdays when my articles are due, especially when I haven't started them yet. Sat for 20 minutes, bit of a struggle session, busy mind, but did not force technique other than just sitting and letting things show up.

Vibrations and pains and pleasures are still showing up, but there's more of a global focus of attention on the entire space of the body, and it's clear that "effort" magnifies them quite a bit.

Will update again tonight after work. Bye for now ~*

Last night was writing until late as predicted. Had two untimed sits later as a break in between papers - 40 minutes then 20. Tried to not direct or force anything. Strange raptures + emotional lability while walking, felt for a moment as though my body concept/prioreception lost its usual shape and became a large rectangle.

Images and thoughts in mind seem to be arising on subject of enlightenment or white knight complexes more frequently and are easier to get "caught" by.
Perhaps associated with sensations of lower body contraction? "Conceit" images tend to be associated with top of skull.

Attempting to ease back into relaxed awareness when I remember to.

Today will sit forty minutes at home and another hour later on the train. bye for now~*<br /><br /> 

Twenty minute sit, "no technique". Gosh this is a lot more "pleasant" (perhaps the right word is tranquil) than what I was doing before.

Sensations seem to move through and just above/around the body as though the body-image is 'off-gassing'. Pelvic region/hips quite contracted, body otherwise seems spacious.

Whenever attention contracts around a sensation the sensation feels much worse, some mild gentle attention is required to "pan out". bye for now~*

meditating on train, 1 hour, no technique.

aside from the occasional left-side whole body lightning bolt vibrations feel like they are very large and subtle. not much 'going on' in the sit. 

genial mood but good golly the ego is sticky and busy today