| I just finished a 10 day retreat in Goenka Meditation Center in Massachusetts (I came back on November 29. It is my first retreat and I went determined to make the most out of it. Well, now I feel that I would never want to go to any Goenka Center again. It seemed to be a sect with a personality cult in many subtle ways. They claim that you can practice any religion and they just will teach you the technique. But all through retreat Goenka is constantly chanting Buddhist scriptures; make you to take refuge in Triple Gem e.t.c. I follow a Buddhist path, so I don’t have a problem with it, but I didn’t feel it was right. Besides, they were not pushing Buddhism, but rather Goenka’s version of it. The assistant teachers were not helpful at all. Whenever asked a question, they would just repeat the same thing that we just heard on the tape. When I had some experiences or when I made a progress faster then the instructions on the tape, they simply were not interested. It looked like they were programmed themselves. However, the setting allowed me to go deeper in my concentration, then I was ever able before, and now I desperately need help in figuring out where I am on the map of insight.
So, we started with following our breath for 3 days, and then turned to body scanning. The very first time we sat in Vipassana for one hour without movement on the 4th day (strong determination sitting) I began to experience a very strong pain in the legs and in the back. The instructions were to scan the whole body part by part disregarding pain and not giving any special attention to it. I found that I was unable to do that and keep the same body position and remain equinimous, so eventually I began to observe the pain. With understanding that it consists of separate sensations that appear and disappear, I started to concentrate on the pain to dissect in into sensations of heat, pressure etc. The pain was very strong, particularly in the legs, so I had very strong motivation. I was able to perceive sensations more and more clearly, and by that time I felt strong vibrations in my head, and all parts of my body. Sometimes I would go over the body quickly to feel the vibrations, and then to scan some blind areas, where I didn’t feel much, and the blind areas would start to vibrate also, and then I would return to the legs. Eventually I reached the point where the pain in the legs disappeared, it seemed like the feeling of the legs disappeared, and all I experienced were waves of vibrations. It felt like they were not repeating the shape of my body, it was more like a sphere, and the strong waves of vibrations were bringing ecstasy of physical orgasm. There was a brief interval when I lost the feeling of my body; all I experienced were those orgasmic waves in the shape of a sphere. Then I started to regain the sense of the body, and then Mr. Goenka started chanting, it meant that the hour was over. After about 5 min of chanting, we were allowed to take a bathroom break, I went outside, I was all shaking uncontrollably. On the next day I noticed that the tension under the left shoulder blade which was the reason of my back pain for about 2 years was totally gone. Completely. I am not sure that it was gone after this particular meditation, but it was gone.
The next day it was easy for me to feel vibrations. I would feel vibrations in all body while meditating, not even meditating, just closing my eyes and taking a few conscious breaths. Not as strong as that first time. But fine very enjoyable vibrations all through my body. They were intensified in the head. Sometimes I would feel a very strong pressure on my head. I felt as if I could break through something and go deeper but I felt that my mind wasn’t concentrated enough to do that. I felt somewhat attached to my previous experience and tried to repeat it, but I couldn’t. I abandoned the sensations and went back to concentration on the breath, for several hours. I still felt vibrations in the head but I ignored them. On the next day, encouraged by the teacher I went back to sensations. It was very easy for me to start feeling fine subtle vibrations in all body intensified in the head. That day I started feeling vibration when I wasn’t meditating at all. It was enough to just be present to any gross sensation, such as stepping of the foot on the floor, or the wind on the skin, or touching. If I was present to any physical sensation, I would feel very pleasant subtle waves of vibrations throughout the body. And I felt them practically all day long and a part of the next day. After that they became less distinct.
In the last 3 days of the retreat I started experiencing burning pain on the right side of my back. Feeling as if a burning match, an electric cord or a large area of flame. My previous 2 years old pain on the left side was gone completely and without a trace. Again, I ignored their instructions and started looking into pain directly and try to perceive individual sensation and the beginning and ending of each sensation. Sometimes, it seemed that when I was very concentrated and precise, the pain would disappear. Sometimes, it would still be there, excruciating. Now, I am back at home. I came back last Sunday. I was sitting 2 hours a day on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Every time I sat on Sunday and Monday the pain was very intense, and in between the sitting, this area would still feel hot and burned by the prior pain. Yesterday, that is on Tuesday morning, I sat for my morning hour, and I started experiencing my usual pain, and then by the end of the hour a strong heat came to the right side of my neck and right shoulder, but it was pleasant heat and it was straightening and relaxing my body (which was contracted by the terrible burning pain in the back). Then my timer rang, and I laid down on the floor and I started experiencing subtle pleasant waves of vibrations throughout all body.
When I sat in the evening, I experienced some pain in the right side of the back, but very little and quite tolerable. Today I didn’t meditate yet.
I am sorry for the long post. If somebody out there has the patience to read the whole of it, and to help me to understand where I am, I will really appreciate it. |