I don't know where I am on this journey and am not familiar with the terminology here, not all of it anyways so here's what has happened so far. I have been practicing deep meditation since I was 15. Astral projection several times a week, occasionally reaching a blissful state of vibration and white light over my being. I came into contact with a few past lives during this process that struck a familiar memory within. Visions of life before I was born as well. 

I would wake up and have hypnogogia episodes regularly during this period. Seeing hieroglyphs and symbols floating in my room as well as entity encounters such as mantis beings and the like.

In 2016 I started practicing kundalini yoga and semen retention and fasting and one day something exploded in my prostate area and started a pleasurable feeling building within me. This lead to random twitches, spasms and jerks that went on for years and even made me lose a job. This period was filled with many dreams and nightmares that occasionally would predict the future.

The energy within became overwhelming and I relied on alcohol to push the energy back down to my root chakra as it was the only way to tame it. I also began to feel an energy that I could build up at will that consumed the lower half of my body almost like chills. I began to have extreme visuals even during meditation.

Many years pass and last year I finally decided to try psychedelics. I took probably a dozen trips last year and my tolerance is very low so even a gram of shrooms give me good visions. I began to deal with memories and trauma one trip at a time and on my fifth trip the kundalini energy made it through my heart after I fully surrendered and it shot through my head. 

The moment this happened I became fully aware of what I have always been and what everything is. There was no longer a me anymore, it was consciousness alone that was everything I had ever thought was separate from myself. A white light filled my vision and my body consumed by a million orgasms and I began crying as I remembered this feeling, it's what I've always been looking for and it's been me the whole time. There are no words for this feeling except knowing and content. 

Now the world still feels very dreamy and I can see this static field that makes up everything and it has a life of it's own. I have random feelings of bliss that fills my heart and all thinking stops while this happens. I also have the ability to orgasm with thought now.

​​​​​​​So I guess I don't know how to be involved in the human experience again. I don't get dopamine hits from anything and there is no real pleasure derived from anything external anymore, it's more of a default neutral state of being.

​​​​​​​The kundalini energy is still with me and moves around, sometimes my head tingles and I get random sensations but I don't know if there's something I'm supposed to do now or not. I feel like there is no experience that will satisfy the way consciousness experiencing itself can. So the world feels very simulated to me. I still see the energy wave nature of everything as it is if I just stare at anything.
​​​​
​​​

​
​

My view on these "spiritual" experiences is that they're simply regression to early layers of consciousness. So you regress down to a layer of the mind prior to the development of object permanence, prior to the development of a self, and it feels like you are everything. Consciousness is in love with consciousness.

After a major regressive episode, the self-concept does gradually re-assert itself in a new way. So when you ask if there's anything you're supposed to do, I would say: "Be patient."

I agree it's a realization of what is there, underneath everything. Awakening is a removal process, you never gain anything it's the opposite, you're losing something. 

Check out Daniel's book mctb. Start with the section on the A&P, and read through some of the stuff on the dark night. I'd also recommend poking around the backlog of DhO posts on "kundalini awakening", etc

+1 read through MCTB. It's a great way to familiarise yourself with the journey and the language we use here. If you want to go deeper and continue meditating you could start a log here. That's the best way in my experience to get ongoing advice and deeper diagnosis. 

Many spiritual awakenings are ultimately rather transient. While they might hang around for days, weeks, months. They rarely give us the lasting release we seek. When one is ready deeper practice can lead us into realms of liberation beyond states and fleeting conditions. 

Can you link me these things. I'm familiar with the dark night, I assumed I had already went through this phase years ago

https://www.mctb.org/

I suppose I'm dealing with the direct perception aspect now. The whole world looks like it did as a kid, and the vividness and nowness that psychedelic experiences induce. The static visual snow field that flickers is something I noticed even as a child..but after the non dual event it's like I see it everywhere even when I don't want to. It's like I'm seeing pixels of light data in real time as it's being processed instead of just seeing the final processed image, I'm seeing the processing and the image

Awesome. You can see the flickering of sensation. All these particles of your experience are impermanent. They arise and pass away. 

​​​​​​​Can you also see that they happen without your control. They arise and pass, sparkling away without any input from you?

Yes, sometimes I don't notice it at all and other times it's in my face. There are times where I think I don't have visual snow anymore then it comes back. I have tried extended fasting and excluding dairy gluten etc and it actually got worse, my theory was doing those things only increased the spiritual practice hence the increase in snow
​​​

I think what BB is alluding to is that deeper layers can come from the seeing that ALL forms of control, even those surrounding "the practice" are, or can be(become) traps that bring us back to the sense that thoughts and the ego can latch onto and turn into beliefs about this or that. Ultimately ALL beliefs must go. All thoughts about what should and should not be done, thought, believed, practiced, must go. A total surrender. 

for me the "practice" is to believe no thought. Even the good ones. Even the ones that say: maybe I should cut out dairy (or whatever) to "advance" my practice. Which doesn't mean you don't do those things. You just don't believe in them, or "decide" whether they worked or not. 

Is there a place to find people to talk to on the phone here? I don't want to do physical meet ups but just one on one 

I believe Daniel Ingram offers zoom calls. daniel_ingram@interactivebuddha.com

I think he's going on a longer retreat soon so if you don't want to wait I'd reach out soon.

There's also a discord server for members where one can talk.

Edit: Looks like it could be difficult to get a call with him in the very near future. This is what he told me earlier in january when I reached out.


That said though, doesn't hurt to try. Might just take a little while.

Daniel is on retreat right now but will return the second week of February. This according to his away message.

Brian . Nice !!

Regarding meetups.

I know a teacher, his name is Roger Thisdell, he works on a donation basis and he can be awesome to talk to. He is very accepting and could help orient you. 

He does a great video series on the stages of awakening, probably my favorite model, though it is just a reworded version of classic 4 path model: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hyJxphAPZ8&list=PLPjpiUx9PU3TjM8IVWtH5CtQIeLMaE6Op

Daniel is currently away on a retreat, however he is scheduled to return during the second week of February. His departing message indicates that this is the case.