I've been going through this for years, and I still don't even know what "this" is. Is it schizophrenia? Other psychosis? Why do I feel like I'm being watched from inside my head and judged for every action I take? Sometimes I'm 100% convinced Alan Watts was right, and it's just a dream "god" is having because it hates being alone, so there are no stakes on the highest level, but that of course we want to avoid harm here because we feel the results ourselves and it's awful. 

But lately, with this "watched and judged" feeling, I feel like it's more like a Christian God is watching me, checking up sometimes, going, oh, no, you're not a good enough person for me to inhabit until you die and basically take over your life and run it CORRECTLY, and then abandons me and checks up on me again. 

I'm afraid to do anything. I'm afraid to not do things. I feel like I just don't want to live anymore because I'm terrified and exhausted and it all seems to be for nothing. 

MM, it sounds like you are describing what it is like to have a conscience, which is totally a normal part of being a human. (Conscience - Wikipedia). 

I'm not a psychologist but it sounds like you have some mental health questions and concerns that go beyond discussing basic meditation stuff. This board probably isn't the best place to find good assistance.   

These days there are some really good hotlines to find help, (for example https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help or https://www.nami.org/help in the U.S. --- just google "mental health hotline" and include the state/country where you live). A lot of these groups will also help people find free or low-cost services.

If you are feeling suicidal, there are people that are good at helping with that like: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline - Call. Text. Chat. (988lifeline.org)

There is also a lot of good mental health stuff on On Reddit:

• /r/MentalHealth is a safe place to discuss, vent, support, and share information about mental health, illness, and wellness. The /r/MentalHealth sidebar also lists many other more specific subreddits that you may find helpful.
• /r/SuicideWatch is the place to go if you are having thoughts of suicide. The subreddit maintains a global directory of voice and text hotline services and offers many other resources for those in need.

Your concerns are legitimate and you deserve to contact people who really know how to answer your questions. Please take care of yourself and talk to some people that can give you some high-quality guidance and can help you out in a meaningful way.

Hey friend !!

I have been there. I understand the struggle.

Do consider therapy and perhaps find a friend with whom you can candidly share your experience.

If you're here because you have been or are considering learning meditation then it may be wise to get some of this stuff smoothed out first. Life is full of potential and there's a lot to live for but I get it... that isn't always obvious and life can be challenging and it's easy to get wound up in all kinds of misery over it. 

If it provides you any solace there are people who have been through it and come out the otherside. There are people who understand. 

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Dear M M,

My first advice would be that feelings come and go. Feelings of being watched, being judged, feelings of being afraid...all feeling that come and go in the mind impersonally. So when they come, you don't take them personally. Intend to see them clearly so you don't cling to them.

And yeah, if you're have these sorts of feelings, probably best meet with a mental health practitioner. This forum isn't really ideal to get help for the sorts of things you mention, but at the very least the friends here can still lend an ear and be good moral support.

​​​​​​​Hope you can make the shift to having better feelings

I know there won't be much solace in anything a dude on the internet says, but I assure you there is no one or no thing that can watch you from inside your own head but you. I had a sense early on that went something like what you describe. Ultimately in this process all thoughts need to be seen as just thoughts. People say "thoughts are not real" and express other ideas like that, and it's true, but that doesn't mean your thoughts can't harass you or drive you nuts, or cause you to feel pain or doubt or worry or anxiety.  

M M, I'm in the camp with all the others who are suggesting you see a competent therapist. Please do so soon.

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