Wothout the filter of who I am, who i picture myself to be and how I view the world (social identity), how am I 'actually' experiencing this moment of being alive?
One of the recent key insights I had into my actual experience of being alive is that, I could ask the question right in the thick of great anxiety! I noticed that upon first asking this there was an inkling of hope that I would just be happy and harmless. Without seeing how I was actually experiencing that momet of being alive. What led to the anxiety? Why do 'I' desire to act a certain way that could be potentially harmful? And at that moment of inquiry I caught a glimps of how some instinctual passions lead 'me' to act in ways that are harmful to others and block happiness. I then began running haietmoba through my head continually for the next 20-30 minutes while walking home from work. Flashes of actually experiencing the moment in the form of either the self'less pure consciousness experience or very close in excellence experience. I find that (along with attention to the 5 senses) proprioceptive awareness while asking haietmoba really gets things running in the direction of dwelling in the perfection of this wondrous moment of being alive.
Also I'm using a digital recorder to help with practice logs while walking. I just talk out loud and then transcribe later. I'm gonna try to. E more consistent on here with posting my practice notes. Any suggestions coments or whatever are welcome .

Ross

Also this is my new practice log as the one I was using titled no center was getting to be a mess.
Ross

Friday january 27th actualism notes:
How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?
There's a wanting or desire for this method to work, or frustration although slight.
In particular the emotions, or feelings I'm experiencing are worry, anxiety, or fear around money. See I got paid today and I'm figuring in my head all the expenses I have.  Rent and bills leaves me with about 30% what I made and Ive been living paychesk to pay check for some time. a feeling of never enough comes up.
So again asking the question, "how an I experiencing this moment of being alive?" I can only live this moment. I can only experience 'this' moment. I turn my mind to lookin at the actual experience of being alive. And, being alive is this body sensing things, sensing as an experience.  I'm walking down a side walk next to a fairly busy road. I feel the movement of my feat, right left right left - body swaying. Feeling the body from the inside with a proprioceptive awareness, scanning quickly front to back top to bottom, the way it feels where my spine meets with the pelvis, my shoulders swaying as I walk, the feeling of my hands moving freely. The way my body moves, and, just being aware of that. And not the way the body moves as seen by the eyes, say in the form of mannerisms. The inner  physical feeling of movement of muscles, tendons, bones, air... Once again asking haietmoba? This moment of being alive as it actually is. 
 The view of the actual is a natural inclining to wonder via nievete.  And nievete reinforces greater wonder to the extent of seeing this moment of being alive as perfect. Not perfection like I need to be perfect, because that is related to time. But perfect in that this moment can be no other way than the way it actually is right now. And I am experiencing this perfection. What do I see, hear, smell, taste, touch? 

This proprioceptive experience awareness and how is this actually? Even though there's a felt sense of being. The view of the actual is a natural leaning towards wonder. And that leaning towards wonder leads me to nievete, felicity. And then reinforcing more so the feedback loop to greater wonder. How am I experience of this moment of being alive? Walking under a bridge down town taking in the whole visual field. From one edge of my peripheral vision to the other. The images that are coming into contact. Where is the contact? Can I tell actually? Ok, so back up. It seems that I'm going off of a buddhistic thought. the eye, form, and eye consciousness, the meeting of the three is contact contact leads to... It seems to fit. But how am I actually experiencing this moment seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting a mint.
And, ya know I'm trying to push in or force in this perfect feeling. I  look around at things being just ordinary. But it is seen by me this ordinariness is quite extraordinary. And pose the question via nievete, is this moment I'm experiencing right now perfect in just it's ordinary way? How could it be any other way? So the actual meets with nievete. And, then the actual is seen with wonder. It actually is wonderful. This isn't just a smoke screen. 
What is wonder but something created? Now I'm getting up in my head... I'm walking down this quite dirty sidewalk. There's even potholes in the sidewalk salt rock to melt the ice. Loud traffic noises. I take it all in and get the big picture.
Smiles comes easy with wonderous nievete. 
I continue walking asking how am I experiencing this moment of being alive? Feeling from the skin to the bones, and the bones back out to the skin. And just now I am suddenly struck with a greater sense of lucidity. A vividness. Quite happy. Body feels light. Is this an altered state of consciousness or is this my actual experience of being alive? Is there a filter in any way?
HAIETMOBA ? 
Hearing people talking as I'm walking, traffic sounds, breathing in the air.
I feel relaxed and safe and just supported with just this ordinary wonderful world.
Nievete is not a blind stupidity. The nievete is actually very comforting and supporting. Nievete is filters gone away. Social identity constructs, where are they now?
I'm walking around the block to kill some time. Scanning the body with a propioceptive/apperceptive awareness. Taking in all the form smells seeing my breath. Feeling the softness of the inside of my coat pockets my feet touching the hard concrete. And the movement of my body. There is no emotional stickiness right here. HAIETMOBA? Neutral, vivid and luminous! Not anything spectacular that would be going of a filter. It just being alive. Not that 'here' is some sort of special place. But just being here. The only place I can be is here experiencing this moment of being alive as it actually is. And as I apply the nievete towards the vividness and the luminosity, things become more so. More pure pristine out from ordinary. The actual world in all it's wholeness all it's wonder. And so my pure intent is to live purely like this. There's no shame no guilt no anxiety. Proprioceptively actually aware of my body my expeience of being here now in this space and time.
HAIETMOBA? 
There's still a sense of controller, agency, being, but it is very close to perfect. Whoa And just saying that things brighten up. Not just throwing away the filter but looking at it HAIETMOBA and  there's an awesome clarity. When in try to pinpoint this it hard to tell if I'm purely experiencing this or is this an altered state of consciousness? Is the EE or the pce an altered state of consciousness actually? Well no. Because this is actually what's being experienced. And things just got more vivid. More real. More pure. And I think that enough for now and I feel great. Continuing on....

thanks for that, real poetry. i want to keep reading...

Your welcome ( I'm assuming your not being sarcastic, I did very little editing)!

I have found great practical value in two writings from The Hamilton project first is the sweet spot
http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/11/yogi-toolbox-sweet-spot.html?m=1
The other is questioning beliefs:
http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/11/yogi-toolbox-questioning-beliefs.html?m=1
More notes to come. Enjoy!
Ross

No sarcasm. Very enjoyable read. I've been doing alot of what you talk about lately; just letting the moment be what it is, feelings and all, letting go of striving, being OK to just feel what is going on and take it all in without an agenda.

Witness will do when PCE is not happening, or direct mode, or open awareness, or knowing mind/awareness itself.
I'm not quite sure how to go about questioning beliefs. There may be some subconscious defense going on as I get confused and frustrated when trying to trace back the beliefs, emotions, feelings to the point of origin. I have noticed fear arise often while questioning various beliefs. Could this be hitting on the so called instictial animal passions?
Now for my doubt. Isnt it true that happiness is affect? In the pce's I have experienced ( I'm using I for convienience) there was happiness. It was a happiness without felt sense of being. Or I would just be equanimous again without felt sense of being.

When fear comes up as a result of something I am investigating (like the sensations of my throat), I found what would help is to just do whatever causes the fear to come up, then sit with the fear until it fades... then do what causes the fear to come up, then sit with the fear until it fades... etc. de-conditioning the aversion to fear - the fearfulness of fear... and the fear eventually abates more & more which allows the investigation to continue more & more.

Ah thanks for the advice ! I am getting back into daily sitting practice. Trying to nail some hard jhana. I'm finding a tip from the all purpose jhana thread to be of great value. And, that is to become aware of the pleasant breath sensations. As opposed to just plain mindfulness of the breath. Getting some cool light shows and close to nimitta being solidified. Fun stuff ! For some reason there has been a strong pull back to samatha/vipassana practice.
Kenneth Folk mentioned a study that gave attention to experiential focus vs. narrative focus. And I just thought why don't I just do experiential focus as much as I can during waking hours. This would be AF, Bahaya's instruction from the Buddha, witness.....

More to come

Ross

THE JHANAS IN THERAVADAN BUDDHIST MEDITATION
By Leigh Brasington

Entry into the first Jhana from a physiological perspective proceeds something like this:
You quiet your mind with the initial and sustained attention to the meditation subject (vitakka and vicara).
By shifting your attention to a pleasant sensation (piti), you set up a positive reinforcement feedback loop within your quiet mind. For example, one of the most useful pleasant sensations to focus on is a smile. The act of smiling generates endorphins, which make you feel good, which makes you smile more, which generates more endorphins, etc.
The final and most difficult part of entering the First Jhana is to not do anything but observe the pleasure (sukkha). Any attempt to increase the pleasure, even any thoughts of wanting to increase the pleasure, interrupt the feedback loop and drop you into a less quiet state of mind. But by doing nothing but focusing intently on the pleasure, you are propelled into an unmistakably altered state of consciousness (ekaggata).

http://www.angelfire.com/electronic/awakening101/janas.html

As I was driving the bus today I considered that I should not confirm or deny any beliefs. I realize now that I was applying nievete and not even knowing it. Things opened up. I spotted a tree that was perfect. Then I posed the question, " are any of the trees not perfect?" every tree I could see was perfect. I then began to wordlessly dwell in this perfection. Taking in the whole landscape while driving. All the trees covered in snow what beauty! Then a few minutes later I notices a shift tacking place. The felt sense of being seemed to be dissolving and my vision got suddenly clearer. I started posing the same question of perfection to people boarding my bus. And just before full blown pce a bit of fear came up in the form of the belief or thought, " will I be able to function (drive) if I let my self go completely into this state?" I also did a quick proprioceptive body scan to observe the ebb and flow of being arising and passing away, arising and passing away. For the next hour I remained in what I think is excellence experience. If it was pce it was only for a few seconds. 

Anytime at all that I am not feeling perfect ( not to be confused with perfectionism), I can ask why. Ive come to the realization that I have a crap load of beliefs ( that is one right there). And all it takes to get back to feeling good as soon as possable, personally, is identifying what's blocking it. I have also found that I don't need a stunning realization just acknowledging the emotion, pattern, feeling a lo of time is enough. Almost everything I say is fueled or influenced by some belief. So yeah, theres plenty to work with. To be continued....

Have you found the answer?

I was in a similar situation as to yours about 2 years ago and found that it is not sensible to be driving and practicing which at the very least diverts a part of attention towards the practice from driving. It is selfish to be practicing for your own happiness when one may put oneself and others happiness at stake especially so when the practice is supposed to lead towards no self/Self/being.

I found myself in that state through employing a simple felicitous feedback loop. And a further nievete inclining to moment to moment experience of reality as perfection. And yes I know the answer to the question. I drive way better in the flow of perfection. This is not the first time this has happened. Along with good driving coming naturally, being a sincerely nice, friendly, certeous person is also a result. I'm not concerned with self and/or not self as these are just more concepts to clutter an experience.

Ross

Ive been practicing jhana again lately and I noticed a little trick that helps me, is to employ nievete to aid entrance into the first jhana, to be naïve towards the pleasurable sensation. I tend to focus on the nose most often sometimes I'll mess around with hara area or solar plexus. Another point that brings up is that I noticed when feelings of fear and aggression come up (anytime I'm trying to exert my power) there's a feeling of tension around solar plexus.

I started out a sit yesterday very restless from caffein. Mind would stay on the object for a couple minutes then go into racy thoughts. So i started to apply mlre effort to payig attention to pleasurable breath sensations. My mind wonder again and a funny thing happened. As the mind was in the distraction I suddenly found that pleasurable sensations had expanded. After a minute or two I found myself in a state where attention felt like it was trying to look around the corner before going around the corner (I don't know I'd this is what Dan was referring to as the phase problem?) frustration and stress were present as i was trying to keep a straight on focus. This seems to match up with some other 3rd jhana discriptions. The weird thing is I've had sutta style jhana many times. Vitakka and vicara fading as I go from 1st into second jhana pleasure peaking and fading away to transition into 3rd and the sukkha fading to go into 4th leaving an equanimous firm awareness. 
Also just to note here. First four jhana are not compounded at all. I'm still not sure if compounding is ( always) going on in 5th and beyond  I haven't been doing that long of sits (20-40 min) and last time, I did manipulate into formless jhana, because I knew the sit was about to end and I wanted to get the most bang for my buck lol. So I need to sit a good hour just letting the mind naturally go into formless jhana.
Ross

This present moment is the pinnacle of the mountain. And also this pinnacle represents an even scale. This pinnacle is the wonder that was referred to in Trent's post, "between chaos and order lies wonder". I have found that I have to apply nievete towards the thought of getting PCE. And truly living at this pinnacle this ever present pinnacle of experience. I have to be living here, and just here. And if the pce is not present right now then it's not present. I just continue to live in this moment. Experiencing this moment with all of my senses. And when living in this moment experiencing this moment this pinnacle or summit of the mountain of life. My mind inclines more so to greater and greater felicitous feelings, and from felicity on into and excellence experience. Staying at the summit. The summit has a panoramic view. I can see everything. Everything is in balance. Then I suddenly find myself in a pure consciousness experience. 

Some of this may sound redundant to you. But my point in writing about this is that I am understanding this process in my own terms. And as of late felicity, EE, PCE, and questioning beliefs, are startingbto become more and more natural.

I have also found that living the actualism method 'is' diametrically opposed to Jhana. What works is what matters. Some times living the contrast makes each respective practice easier and sometimes it makes things more confusing.

There is an undeniable pull and I have awoken in the middle of the night a few times in the last week deconstructing the social identity/questioning beliefs.

Ross

So I've been getting in 20- 40 minute sits daily. Im using more of an open approach. not worryiong about what jhana Im in. Just totally breathing if Im doing anapana sati. and just doing that. not trying to discern if im in 1st or 4th jhana or whatever. I really found Thanissaro Bhikkhu's essay, "*Jhana not by the numbers" helpful in this respect. Maybe not so much the specific instructuion, but not catagorizing things. Theres definate periods where concentration deepens, efforting and then less effort needed. pleasure arises (because, well, im giving attention to it). it almost seems as though the pleasure takes a sharp turn and turns into almost agitation, maybe due to the piti being more of a physical thing. Then things get a little strange. Theres a weird thing the happens. It doesn't seem that im able to look straight on. Theres a concentrated feel still present but it almost as if its being shook around and I know Im still concentrated because my body is very calm and stable, but not able to look straight on at the object. It seems almost off focus. and, then I'll notice it, and I dont know how to describe what happens, ill try my best though, its almost like the mind... i dont know if letting go would be the right term to use... seems like this out of focus-ness almost sneaks up on me. i think traditionally this would be going from second to third jhana. because a lot is going on with the rapture. anyway... somewhere in there i end up in equanimity. things are realy stable realy solid...

Here the last couple days Im doing more zen style shikan taza sitting. It seems to blend well with the open sensate awareness, the Buddha's instructions to bahaya, AF, dwelling in perfection, awareness itself, and living enlightenment now. it lines up a lot better integration wise as opposed to objectifying something like the breath. that stuff is great, but the shift that has to take place from say getting realy absorbed in the breath then swithing to sensate only awareness.

Im able to do this sensate only awareness very easily. I mean what could be easier than just seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, smelling? Im really feeling this flow, and this freeness. I also make sure that im seeing things as they actually are as oppossed to an altered state of conscioussness. I do believe theres a difference. And, for integration purposes I'd rather be seeing things clearly than being in an asc.

Over the last week ive succeeded in dwelling in a pure sensate awareness over 50% of the time. It's fairly easy to dwell in this knowing mind. and it may be the witness it may be direct mode of perception. it may be actualism. I've noticed that I dont even have to question beliefs so much when I just 'look', it just cuts all that crap out. Im not aiming for felicity. Im not aiming necessarily to be happy and harmless in that moment, and Im not not aiming at it. In that sense of not confirming or denying those outcomes I am by default, employing nievete. And.... 'I' step out of the way... and what 'actualy is' just is...

Ross

* http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/thanissaro/jhananumbers.html