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Motivation and Results

feeling great, great reluctance after A&P


I'm posting this under 'motivation and results' because, basically, I am greatly lacking motivation and almost afraid of results. This might not be a hard and fast question, but I still felt the need to express it (and there are few places to do that!).

I recently had about a month of A&P type insight after pushing hard, following Mahasi Sayadaw's instructions as best I could. Great confidence, concentration, perception. After sitting one day for multiple times, seeing every mental act at high speed, though, it started to feel jangly, jarring, and unpleasant.

I have had very little motivation to do insight since. I've been doing more of a lightweight "jhana junkie" practice, when I practice at all, just focusing on piti and reading about how to do the concentration path instead of the dry insight path.

And, I am almost afraid of results. Do I want to see the dhukkha in sense experience? Even after doing some of my "lightweight jhana junkie" practice, I just felt like I was seeing dhukka everywhere after I left my meditation. Do I want to give up my mundane plesant sense pleasures and instead focus on being happy through insight, brahmaviharas, or jhanas? A big part of me is like 'why would I do that?' and 'am I going to be so different from 99% of people I know'? Or, 'I like drinking beer and watching TV!' Or alternatively, thinking I just want to do a big retreat.

Anyways, I expect this might be dissolution, although I'm not sure. I know that Mahasi Sayadaw wrote not to get discouraged at this point, but it is hard not to be . . . I get such results from following his instructions, I just find it hard to 'stay the course' so I've been playing with other techniques now.

If anyone has pertinent thoughts, they'd be appreciated.

Is it wrong of my to try to switch horses and move over to a more concentration type practice??

RE: feeling great, great reluctance after A&P
3/29/13 2:19 PM as a reply to Mike H..
I'd say concentration is fine, but sooner or later you'll be attracted back to insight. Nothing wrong with mixing it up, though. Taking it more gently for awhile may be what you need. As for thinking you'd be better off as an unawakened worldling, I certainly have felt that way many times, but then I take a look around me and realize once again that being a worldling is not so hot for just about everyone. But it's normal to feel reticent after a big opening. Take your time with it. Things will unfold.

RE: feeling great, great reluctance after A&P
3/29/13 3:03 PM as a reply to Jane Laurel Carrington.
Thanks Jane. I will keep trying to meditate in some form, but ease up on my inner dialogue. I am tend to be very grasping and eager when it comes to meditation, and I suppose it is just a bit tiring at times, even if sometimes it works!

RE: feeling great, great reluctance after A&P
3/29/13 10:39 PM as a reply to Mike H..
Comprehending dukkha is the duty associated with the first noble truth, and you are doing well with that. The duty associated with the second noble truth is to release the associated craving. When you do that, you will realize the cessation of the dukkha, and there will be rest. The trick is figuring out how to release the craving. I find that mixing the pleasure of jhana with the experience of the craving helps to maintain steady attention on it, and determine whether the craving is actually necessary. When I conclude that it is not necessary, it generally releases easily. Otherwise, yes, it is exhausting.

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