Hello everyone! My name is Heath. This is going to be my new practice log. Previously I was keeping everything in notebooks, but this is so much more efficient and allows me to be more expansive, since I type faster than I write. After a few posts I will probably start to settle on a format that seems to make sense for an online forum. Eventually I will get around to posting some more background on my practice to help give context.
My last post on this forum should have been the first entry in my practice log, so I'm going to link to it here: '
Some questions about noting'. I listed two questions about my noting practice that I'd love some kind feedback on if anyone feels inclined. Either way, I am looking forward to keeping a log here and participating more actively on the forum. This is going to really help me ramp up my practice. Thanks everyone!
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1hr sit in my car this morning.
Today's practice continued the general downward trend in vividness and stability in my sits this past week and a half. Having a hard time settling into any technique. Tried just sitting and breathing contentedly and even then continued to get lost in thought. (Part of this I know is residue from not practicing over the weekend, combined with extended work hours (~12-15) for 5 days, and two nights of drinking...) I am happy that now I can get lost in thought and not be mad about it or feel like a failure. I also seem to be immune to feeling that a given sit is a "bad" sit or that I'm "not trying hard enough" or something to that effect.
For a moment I was thinking about the post I wrote yesterday, wanting someone to respond to it. All of a sudden Daniel's voice came into my head and, after reading my post, he said something like "I think your practice is good; you don't need any additional help right now. Just keep doing what you're doing." That was funny enough in itself. Once I noticed what was happening, I brought my attention back down to where the thought/voice seemed to emerge from and saw that it seemed to be of the same form and consistency, the same weight, as other thoughts/images that had come just moments before from my 'own' self (not an imagined someone-else) and realized that this Daniel-voice was just another one of the things that arise and pass away in my mind, did not come from 'me' and are not possessed by me. It was just one of the mind-stuffs that occasionally happen. This was something I've experienced many times before, but this time the realization seemed more solid. And of course I immediately got lost in thought again.
I also spent about 20 minutes attempting to look at my attention/awareness itself. The sense is like looking softly into a mirror that contains my 'face' looking back at me, but my face is not there, just my 'presence'. Sometimes I have felt like I alternating between these 'presences', trying to switch places, or trying to become the same thing, or something like that. I don't know if this is a concentration or insight practice or both. I find that this is almost my 'default' meditation practice. When I first attempted to meditate when I was younger, this is what I would do. I thought meditation was about becoming very still and settling into myself and this is the practice that I ended up doing.
