After the definitive inversion event in May of 2013 my existential angst disappeared entirely, it remains so to this day. Bernadette Roberts refers to this as the unitive state. After this I enjoyed my newfound freedom for a period of a few months, after which I exerted myself again. I was blessed with visions, powers and nirvanic experiences. Because I was practicing within a Buddhist context, my experiences were Buddhist in flavour. For a period of nearly half a year or more I tasted emptiness daily and it remains so to this day. The acclimitization of this final and complete state is nearly complete.  

The odd part is that I had clung to this experience of fullness a little too much, having worked hard for what I earned, I spent most of my waking day in leisure, drinking music, smoking cigarettes and attempting to capture my experience in writing. I was unable to function, supremely happy though I was, I was absorbed in nirvana and useless to the world. I skipped several of my classes daily, lagged behind on homework and literally just blissed out all day. But not in a junkie sense, in a satisfactory sense. Bernadette Roberts (as does Zen), mentions how after the final awakening comes integration and re-entering into the world to see if one can function with one's newfound divine being. Me, being on academic probation, realizing that I had to be practical, decided to forego my cessatory nirvana, and re-enter the world like the bodhisattva. And that's pretty much where I'm at.

Addendum 1: I should mention that my Buddhist experience roughly coincided with the Tevijja, namely; retrocognition, the divine eye and the destruction of the outflows. In practice it was none other than the experience of the transmigration of several hundreds of lives, knowing and encompassing the world-system and final knowledge. During these visionary experiences I saw myself as the Tathagata, probably because I was Buddhist, had I been Hindu I'm sure my decoration of vision would have been different.

Addendum 2: I was actually stunned by these experiences because I didn't view myself as an ethical or worthy person. So their happening was a shock to me. Moreover I took the Buddha visions literally and sought to reconcile how some neck-beard dude like me could be the Buddha. Obviously the experience is not meant to be taken literally. Taken literally the implications are disturbing and this is psychosis, understood as merely an experience, and it is not taken literally.

Addendum 3: I am particularly excited to see if I can fully function in this integrated (roughly), unitive state. The reason is because Bernadette Roberts describes this as the halfway point, after which the falling away of self occurs.

Cheers,

James

JJ,

Please don't think I'm questioning your experience or anything, but I am wondering if you've tested yourself in situations where a fixed sense of self would arise?

There are a couple reasons I ask. The first is that most people who have achieved First Path (haven't myself) that I have heard talk about it say that it is not a very spectacular experience but the results afterwards are.  So any experience where there were some pyrotechnics, like the Tevijja, would seem to not be within the same ballpark.  See for example Kenneth Folk's handy card on the Stages of Insight here. What you describe seems more characteristic of an A&P event.

The second reason I ask is because it sounds to me like your experience was similar to an experience I had at my first long retreat in 1989. It was as if there was no separation between my mind and the world. There were various what one might call metaphysical effects, including viewing the past life of someone else, seeming to know what people would do before they actually did it, being able to sense some kind of energy in trees, etc. The effects lasted about a month and never returned. After the effects wore off, I did in fact get into situations where a fixed sense of self arose and it arose quite strongly, which is why I'm asking. I actually never talked about it until recently, and did not make any sudden life changing decisions as a result of the experience because I'd been warned to take at least a year after an intensive retreat experience before making any serious decisions.



                      

It is not necessarily psychosis.  When are you going to talk to me?

If you want a show, you'll be diappointed.

Many of our explanations for our experiences must be explained as if we are seeing pyrotechnics, but the real explosions are ineffable and without correlation to anything like what we percieve with the 5 sense gates.

svmonk, be advised J J is none other than James Yen, who has a notorious reputation of claiming things happened to him only to later claim that actually he was lying. This is historically not a sincere person. Continue at your own discretion. 

Hey Jeremy!

My bad, no I read your posts/messages, the affection is mutual. I noticed that you mentioned how Tantra can create DemonKings in another post, is this a reference to the Rudra story that Chogyam Trungpa mentions so often?

I fear that I may have achieved the walled fortress of egohood, and not instead, genuine liberation or some form of awakening.

Thoughts?

Hello svmonk,

As honest as I can be: if I am in some daily situation, my so called "liberation" is often in the background, so I can get tangled up in daily events and I often do/forget about stillness.

When I'm alone in leisure, the full experience of emptiness comes full force however. So it's definitely not a permanent shift, but it comes and goes.

Existential angst however, never reappeared.

Helpful?

It is a reference to many, many suttas.  Yes.  You do not need to worry about this.  You love too much.

I have pointed to the auto-biography of General Butt Naked to illustrate the powers of a Demon King.  They, too, have their purposes...

On June 4th, 2014, you wrote:

How can your existential angst have disappeared entirely, yet there is still a background worrying which is always present?

He is using the wrong term is all.
Some people have the aggregate of Concern.
To resist the desire of this aggregate is to resist Nibbana.
Good question.

Good question! Honestly I don't know, when I speak (or write here) I often have a disregard for facts, I speak in generalities.

In your example you wonder how I could be worried and have existential angst at the same time! First of all I don't possess existential angst, which is synonymous with the feeling of existence. Existence is the same as the feeling of existence.

I call it the inversion event (which was ironically a Christian rebirth) because I was turned inside out at the very core of my being, and because of this, I could actually massage the angst that had originally been a 'split of being', or 'I thou', a friction-like duality.

Now when I said "worrying that was always present", I was likely referring to the feeling of anticipation for something to happen during a meditation session.

And not necessarily a troublesome, barb-like, existential worrying. Existential worrying is ultimate, it is not time-bound, it is linked to existential issues, but existential issues, if followed through with, lead tot his inversion event.

<3

When you speak of teachers in reverance, even though I support these beautiful people, it makes me want to wash your mouth out with soap.
I am speaking to you only when I say this.  

Study the work of Meher Baba with me.