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Enlightened Fool - What now
11/19/15 1:41 PM

I've skimmed around the forum loosely for the past few months and finally felt the need to say something. First, thank you for providing this space. Second, what now?

The past year seemed to be a very accelerated process into self-realization. A few weeks ago, weary from searching, I planned to drink myself into a stupor and commit suicide. At the end of the episode, I noticed a stillness watching everything. In the days following, it became clear that the stillness was there the whole time, and that it is unshakable. Even now, there is lightness.

My journey has been a direct, all or nothing approach. My meditation practice isn't much of a practice, especially now. Whenever I felt the need to meditate, I'd simply sit, close my eyes and listen. I've subscribed to ideas from Ram Dass, Alan Watts, Eckhart Tolle and more recently, Mooji.

Non-dualism seems to be a philosophy which resonates the strongest and yields a model through which to express whatever this experience is. The challenge is that I've been flying blind. Now some dying part of me wants validation. I even posted on Reddit with the hopes of instigating a barrage of questions to test if this were true. I'm skeptical to a fault. But even that skepticism floats loosely on the surface of an impenetrable reality.

According to Mooji's perspective, the period I'm in now is one where I should be resting. It's a period where the last few strongholds of the ego are unleashed and awareness takes over. Maybe one of the last few things to die is my aversion to trust - which may be the answer I'm looking for.

With all of that said, has anyone had a similar experience or are you able to shed some insight into what could be going on?

Much gratitude!

RE: Enlightened Fool - What now
11/19/15 2:38 PM as a reply to Lathai.
hey lathai,
you mentioned that your current state is somehow confirmed by or paralell to something mooji said.  are you in contact with him or do you listen to his talks etc?  are you doing this all on your own?

you say that you have been making progress in the past bit of time and then in the next sentence mention suicide as a possible next step.  that is really unsettling.  could you describe more about what you have been doing and how you have been measuring your "progress"?  maybe then someone would feel comfortable walking over the eggshells you just laid down.

i have had a rollercoaster ride in my own practice over the years with periods of flat desensitization, ecstatic peaks and depressions but have always had hope, even in attenuated form, that life is worth living and at very least a very precious chance to improve the lot of myself and others.


RE: Enlightened Fool - What now
11/20/15 1:59 AM as a reply to tom moylan.
It certainly wasn't my intention to cause concern. I should have mentioned that there is a gap between the progress I had been feeling and the suicide attempt.

I've been doing this on my own since roughly the beginning of last year. For some reason, I began listening to Alan Watts more frequently. His subject matter teased a long held curiosity. At the time, I was unhappy with my job and pretty confused about which direction to take in life. Escaping that became my goal, but it was soon obvious to me that I was gearing up to run away again. I became deeply introspective, while at the same time wanting to try something new to get out of my comfort zone

A friend invited me to an EDM festival toward the end of last summer. That's where it happened - what I'd consider it my first glimpse of awakening. It had been a long time since I felt that sense of awe and wonder which culminates in childlike freedom. Of course, it was due to drugs. That's why it became a mission to know exactly what that freedom was, without drugs.

My search intensified, and I was conveniently laid off at the end of last October. Armed with plenty of time to meditate and listen to ideas, the search became an obsession.

It happened that Ram Dass began floating up near Alan Watts videos. At first, I was a little put off by his age. Then his story piqued my interest. He seemed to have an inkling into whatever it was I was searching for, and his method of using whatever it takes to get there was appealing. Plus he had taken acid. I was curious about what acid could show and how it might effect my search. Around the same time, I began taking an interest in Eckhart Tolle and his method for meditation, which gave me a more focused approach toward the practice.

My second glimpse of awakening happened in April of this year during a meditation session. It's hard to recollect now, but essentially I saw into the true nature of reality and was thrown back by the disappearance of the ego. For nearly an hour, all I could say was, "" It was cool, but didn't last. It confirmed that all I had been reading and listening to was pointing toward something very tangible.

It's important to note that none of this was actually planned. It's easy to go back and storify it, but there was a general sense of, "what the hell am I doing" underneath it all. Something was pushing me.

The biggest push was to throw everything away and put complete trust in the universe. I planned out the rest of my savings to cover me until after a big music festival, where I would take acid.

My first trip stripped me of every conception of reality and thrust me into a whirlwind of emotion and...well, it was an acid trip. But it again confirmed what all my sources were pointing to. My interpretation was that the universe is one big joke that you're either in on or the bunt of.

After the festival, I traveled a little bit, trying to make sense of what was happening. It was fantastic and magical, and I finally felt free. Meditation was easier and there were several glimpses of awakening, with different angles. In one moment I'd feel unbearable compassion toward someone, in another I'd be awestruck at the paradox, and in another I'd feel an inescapable connection with the planet. But there was still something tugging inside. I knew I wasn't finished yet. This is when Mooji started to interest me.

He talked about something which was permanent and beyond all the experiences I had gone through. There was a needlepoint clarity to his words and method, that being self-enquiry. I began to sincerely question who, or what, was beneath all this ego stuff.

Over the course of this, a dark night had been brewing. It was in this dark night phase that I took acid again, which plummeted me into a complete disconnection with reality. Somehow, by grace, everything settled back into place and my search continued.

I had been staying with a friend and his family for a month. The day I left is when everything collapsed again. I was tired of searching. I sat under a tree and began to stew in anger and confusion. Then, I thought, "what about suicide?" The search had revealed so much that I simply couldn't get to, and even worse, it stripped me of everything.

This where the story picks up about being in a drunken stupor. I remember wailing while wrapped in soaking sleeping bag. It had been raining, it was cold, I had thrown up several times, and there was nothing to be done about it. So I layer there. As I did, it suddenly became apparent that there was a stillness watching.

Every moment of awakening up until this point was sharp. It always had the flavor of an epiphany. This was different. It was actually comforting. I was still miserable, but there was this gentle comfort which blossomed through the whole thing. It seemed completely untouched by what was going on.

I laid there longer until, somehow, I felt the need to go back to my friend's house. It was still raining. I was still a little drunk, but there was a flow and ease to my actions. I simply packed up what was necessary and walked back. There was a moment when the sun started to rise and turn the sky a soft dark blue where I sat down and simply took in the rain. There were no thoughts. There was just silence, and the rain. I almost stayed there until a car passed and reminded me where I was going.

I recounted the story to my friend in the most nonchalant way. The suicide attempt was just something that happened. There was no connection to it all. No guilt, or shame. No emotional memory of what lead me to that point. Nothing. I felt empty, but ok.

Over the course of the next few days, it started to become more clear what had happened. While it wasn't the eureka I had expected, it was something much more profound and yet fundamentally simple.

Over the last week or so, I've been able to sit in meditation and immediately go into silence. There is a sweet, almost aromatic sense to everything - despite thoughts of confusion or doubt that may float up.

That's why I'm not giving this too much thought, and why the original post missed so much context (which was unfair). As mentioned, some dying part of me wants validation.

RE: Enlightened Fool - What now
11/20/15 2:13 AM as a reply to Lathai.
excellent.  its funny but when i read your post i thought of tolle right away.  minus the vomit he too awoke to the nature of things on a park while in a suicidal mode if i recall.

i don't know much about mooji and his methods or if he has organized his teachings into a followable path but after your post i did listen to a couple of his talks.   do you know if he describes stages of awakening or if he points toward the "stillness" in which everything rests?

thanks for the descriptions of your stages.  i would be interested to see how these changes persist or change over time but it sounds like you have at least attained 1st path as it is usually referred to here.

are you familiar with the jhanas? your recent experiences re: easy sitting and "going into silence" sounds to me like the relatively common experience of easy jhanic access after a path.  so how long ago did this big shift occur for you.

again thanks for the lucid descriptions.


RE: Enlightened Fool - What now
11/20/15 3:27 PM as a reply to tom moylan.
It doesn't seem as though Mooji teaches a specific path. Rather, he encourages seekers to question their identity at the very core level and to sense what the answer may be. It's based on self-enquiry as introduced by Ramana Maharshi and follows Advaita/non-dualist philosophy. He does point to stillness, calling it awareness, and asserts, "you are that awareness." Everything else is treated as phenomological, rising up out of that awareness. Some seekers may bring up questions about kundalini awakening or other experiences, but Mooji's response is always to question who these experiences are happening to.

I'm not familiar with the Jhanas, but after reading the descriptions in the MCTB, it seems as though my experience has progressed through the third Jhana.

This shift is only a few weeks old.

The only change I've noticed so far is that it was easier in the beginning to have a strong sense of awareness watching through the body. In fact, the body was almost secondary. For example, in conversations with others, there was only stillness meeting stillness. I was alert and could engage and carry on the conversation, but there was a soft awareness beneath it all. Recently, that kind of experience has tapered. Or maybe the sense of newness has tapered. Or, maybe my mind started getting noisy again, analyzing what was going on, and attention went there.

Either way, most of my time now is spent simply being aware, and that's all I seem to want. Even this is "in the way," though I definitely appreciate your willingness to help. Thank you!

RE: Enlightened Fool - What now
9/13/16 2:14 PM as a reply to Lathai.

I have just joined the site.

Do you have a report, an update?


RE: Enlightened Fool - What now
9/13/16 2:46 PM as a reply to Michael N.

The only update is that the experience above was only the beginning. There have been plenty of experiences since then, and may be plenty more.

It's quite a ride.

RE: Enlightened Fool - What now
9/13/16 5:04 PM as a reply to Lathai.

The only update is that the experience above was only the beginning. There have been plenty of experiences since then, and may be plenty more.

It's quite a ride.
I missed your earlier post Lathai.
I dont know if you have read thru the Progress of Insight stages. It will explain a lot of your expereinces.

Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha, an Unusually Hardcore
Dharma Book, by Daniel Ingram

Good luck,