supaluqi's logs

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supaluqi, modified 5 Years ago at 3/6/17 5:16 AM
Created 5 Years ago at 2/14/17 7:20 PM

supaluqi's logs

Posts: 45 Join Date: 4/12/16 Recent Posts
hi everyone!
I was tempted to call these the “Wazoo Tulku, Supreme and Luminous Dharma King”'s logs as reading about all that made me laugh during a phase when I suddenly found non-dualist jokes actually funny rather than something else less wholesome.

Also I have recently been trying to adopt as a sangha a group more hierachicalised, but also more local, but I find myself unsuccessfully restraining urges to throw divisive cultural 'critique' bombs, like passing links to

https://tuttejiorg.wordpress.com/

whilst hopelessly slapping the desk in hysterics. This regretful unrestrained action was greeted by stoney silence. Ouch.

In stark contrast 'supreme and luminous dharma king, international teacher, author, a&e doc etc' Daniel replied "friggin' hilarious".

So best to either shut up and put up (until the poisonous swamp of my mind is drained) or bail. Im going to see if I can shut up and put up there, as I should, and experience that side of western Buddhist culture with the benefit of locality, lineage etc and adopt dharmaovergound as my inner sanctum of dharma pals as well as brothers and sisters with whom one shares ones thoughts without feeling one may be straying on to egg shells and violating taboos. The upside down-ness of this is somewhat ironic, but pragmatic.

Rather than dump all my personal intro stuff here (too lazy), I'll 'grace' any readers with it, when and if it 'comes up' (read: he deems worthy and glamorous) or 'drops/slides down the inner thigh' (read: he cant but help embarass himself) below.

Edit: found my logs from KFD days...ending in probable Stream Entry
http://awakenetwork.org/forum/kfd-archive-wetpaint/12212-sparqis-logs
http://awakenetwork.org/forum/kfd-archive-wetpaint/12291-sparqis-logs2
http://awakenetwork.org/forum/kfd-archive-wetpaint/12596-sparqi-s-death-notes

To practice (with great sloth, procrastination, whines and groans mostly edited out)...
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supaluqi, modified 5 Years ago at 2/15/17 1:43 AM
Created 5 Years ago at 2/14/17 8:04 PM

RE: supaluqi's logs

Posts: 45 Join Date: 4/12/16 Recent Posts
Immediately this 'comes up': I get the impression my phase of comic hysteria is passing. A couple of days ago I was working on the 'who amI' koan whilst life context dark, deadly serious and dreary, and was rotating around 'who is'... 'searching', 'letting up', 'trying', 'asking', 'hearing' etc. I felt nicely boxed in with nowhere to go for about an hour, brows furrowed etc when I thought "hang on, you're just making this stuff up!". I then began laughing ridiculously. Not sure this was accompanied with any articulatable insight, but non-dualist jokes work for me now, despite 'I' obviously being still here, but it is diminished. Whilst watching some tv later, I noticed more feeling down my back, and something like a muscle relaxed mid back and briefly I couldnt find the 'I' and there seemed a disidentification from thoughts. Browsing the humour section of dHo was most welcome after this, aswell as the bleed through from the somewhat hysterical comedics. I even wrote a comedic zen skit, like I geddit, but Im not there yet. Fortunately for all I managed to restrain myself from posting it here!

A little shift methinks. Previously the areas above the two domes either side of the top of my spine, next to the ears, were sore from a tight scalp I think. Now not sore. Wahey!

Unfortunately it blew my fragile self discipline out the window, and for two days Ive just lounged around watching tv.
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supaluqi, modified 5 Years ago at 2/14/17 9:16 PM
Created 5 Years ago at 2/14/17 9:16 PM

RE: supaluqi's logs

Posts: 45 Join Date: 4/12/16 Recent Posts
Anyway back to it...

Intent:

No timer (my current natural meditation time is, 30 mins-ish, curious to see if it'll naturally rise).
Work to relax/open/pleasantly into the hara. Make it nicer to be here. Samatha emphasis.

Looked at the clock at 30 mins-ish, impulse to stand at 40mins. Mainly worked to relax/open/gladden the head, inbetween drifting off in thoughts. Previous to my two days lapse, I'd decided on reaching particular markers before moving on to next phase. The first marker is that a slight smile naturally arises when the head reaches a suitable level of relaxation/openness feeling. I didnt reach that marker.
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supaluqi, modified 5 Years ago at 2/15/17 7:02 PM
Created 5 Years ago at 2/15/17 6:51 PM

RE: supaluqi's logs

Posts: 45 Join Date: 4/12/16 Recent Posts
Intent:
ummmm, see what happens. No timer

30mins Felt quite an urge to meditate. That is unusual. Often it is felt like an obligation overcome by 'need' to 'progress' somewhere, overcome something or something I have to bear, where 'perseverance' is a virtue.

This was a pleasant sit. It felt like something new. For I did very little indeed. The theme was no struggle, let go, rest. Trying to do anything seemed counterproductive. The head was the most relaxed and open I think I can ever recall feeling. Indeed any attempt to 'try' something or direct awareness was accompanied by some subtle added tension to the head. Even an active 'quietening'/suppression of a thought, could be felt as some contraction within the head. There seemed to be less being pulled into a thought. If some inner voice expressing thoughts popped up, one didnt lose overall awareness, so it mattered less. I have no idea what Im doing here. A worry was that I was abdicating responsibility to make use of the time. I guess this is what surrender/shikantaza is like! Sitting writing this I feel refreshed. Reminds me of Ajaan Brahm talking about the pleasure of relinquishment.

With the relaxation of the head those clusters of sensations, which are familiar and have that self-identification quality, were missing. At times there seemed no discernible self-identification quality, nor did I search for them (would add head tension). At one point there seemed to be a haze within the trunk, which the mind projected its inferred self onto, which felt quite unfamiliar, which in turn made one feel like somebody else! Strange but pleasant.

After the sit, I had occasion to speak to someone, and I did feel distinctly different. More open, more present, more aware of how the viscera tensions.

Maybe its a consequence of the relaxing and gladdening stuff, and/or its a consequence of this little recent shift.
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supaluqi, modified 5 Years ago at 2/16/17 12:27 AM
Created 5 Years ago at 2/16/17 12:27 AM

RE: supaluqi's logs

Posts: 45 Join Date: 4/12/16 Recent Posts
Felt the pull to meditate

Intent:
Do as little as possible (not to make stuff up as I go along!! still makes me laugh!) No timer.

20 mins sitting until the idea occurred to recline. Being that resisting that urge would be doing far too much, I proceeded to recline.

3hrs reclining. I did not sleep (I believe), I did not direct thought or awareness. Often very little going on, a really good rest, again head felt much relaxed. A nice recline. I was struck by being comfortable about doing as little as possible, was an ideal way of falling asleep, and was surprised that I didnt. Cannot remember much about it however. At one stage there was a sense of total body warm blood buzz accompanied with full body aura like kinaesthetic-like brightness, i.e. extended spatially beyond the skin. When advanced meditators talk about inherent luminosity, I often wonder whether the luminosity is restricted to within a sense gate or 'before' sense gates. To be clear Iam not claiming an inherent luminosity experience here.

I worry whether this is falling into a pleasant delusional haze. I do feel a compulsion to formalise, be disciplined, be crystal clear about aims and so forth. Nevertheless Iam going to continue this interesting line of meditation, perhaps this is a 'be as you are', shikantaza or extreme yin type meditation.
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supaluqi, modified 5 Years ago at 2/16/17 5:51 AM
Created 5 Years ago at 2/16/17 12:33 AM

RE: supaluqi's logs

Posts: 45 Join Date: 4/12/16 Recent Posts
Intent: Sit. Do as little as possible. No timer
50mins looked at clock, felt like carrying on. Finished at 55mins.

What a lazy bum! Noticed recently how my posture includes a too rigid back, and that I pull in my chin too tightly. Both of which increase tension in the body. Played with these awhile. Noticed that lifting the chin allowed the jaw to relax a little, also often the feeling is that chin pulled in with head tilted down gives rise to a sense of 'bearing down' on things, a driving of the awareness downwards and inwards. Suggests tightening into a ball. All adds tension. Lifting the chin, dropping the shoulders, pulling the head a little up and backwards, encourages more open awareness counteracting top and forward heavy with a more back and bottom inclination. Encouraged looser back, shoulder and neck joints. Felt a little dehydrated. Ended pleasantly, feel chilled out.
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supaluqi, modified 5 Years ago at 2/16/17 2:56 PM
Created 5 Years ago at 2/16/17 5:51 AM

RE: supaluqi's logs

Posts: 45 Join Date: 4/12/16 Recent Posts
Intent: Sit. Do as little as possible. No timer

50mins. No struggle, no effort. No self whipping to endure.
Noticed my eyes werent jumping/flicking about when I started. This is excellent news as the eye flickering was large part of arriving at this style of lazy bum meditation. The rest of the time I played around trying to optimise the most comfortable way of sitting which included a straight-ish back, minimal tension and loose joints. Noticed how posture influenced attitude. I still worry that this might not be the best use of my time...but it is new style for me...so see how it goes. What came up was the feeling of dehydration, of being dry and wrinkled, prune like, AGAIN. But this time it was bodily rather than just the head. Also what came into prominence was a sense that the breathing was restricted especially in the diaphragm.

OK At this point I have to regather my thoughts. Re-evaluate what Im doing and why.
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supaluqi, modified 5 Years ago at 2/19/17 1:34 AM
Created 5 Years ago at 2/16/17 6:34 PM

RE: supaluqi's logs

Posts: 45 Join Date: 4/12/16 Recent Posts
What are you doing Dave?

First a bit of back story:
Several years ago I probably got stream entry (although by unusual means) where a walnut-like knot of tension in the center of my head dissolved. This also woke me up to the fact I had a big headache and I just didnt like meditating anymore. I had white knuckled stream entry, and I felt sick at even the prospect of sitting (ok I exaggerate a little). Even the vipassana-ish 4th jhana was heady, and the rest of me felt uncomfortable. Whenever I stood up from meditating I felt worse than when I had sat down. And lets face it Stream entry was a bit disappointing. After all that self torture and effort, it just wasnt all that. I struck out in other directions.

Recently I mustered some enthusiasm, interest, inspiration for meditating again by reading: Paauk Sayadaw's "Knowing And Seeing" as this seemed to address for me some of the mistakes I had previously made. Additonally Ajaahn Brahm & Thanissaro Bhikku's perspectives are really helpful.

So OK the plan was aim for Paauk Sayadaw tradition level of monster concentration and deep jhana (unfortunately going on retreat is impossible currently). But using the hara more as 'subject focus' (mainly towards addressing the still identification with the head and eyes). In other words refabricate the moment with the hara as center where I would settle and rest...
Overall this required building up to sitting in 3-4hour slots 3 to 4 times a day, for months...

On first attempt, I set about it with zeal. Sitting samatha hourly slots, first day 4 hours, 2nd 6 hours, 3rd 8 hours and then my hara burst into bright kinaesthetic light! Wow! Then I stopped. My head hurt, my eyes hurt, my body was totally stiff, I felt like crap. The point of this type of practice is samatha 12+ hours a day, for months...This way I would be an invalid by the end of the week.

OK try 4 element meditation as the recommended preliminary practice in 'Knowing and Seeing'. Also suggested is to feel the air element in the head first. This I tried briefly because I came up against the same hinderances as previously, but in a different way.

Back to basics. If one is going to sit for long hours, one would need to be comfortable and as relaxed as possible. Forget the crossed legs for the time being, but preserve the straight spine. The next issues were more difficult. First, when I sat down to meditate and the more I absorbed into the hara, the more my head emerged into awareness like a dried up aching, stuffy, prune. Like I was wearing a heavy helmet of fired mud & straw brick. Second, the eyes would insist on getting involved, literally physically focusing on the hara as if they were looking at it. If I wished to focus on feeling details of the belly, the eyes would tense up. This tensioning was not sustainable and led to eye strain. If I tried to exclude the eyes from awareness focussing, they would flicker wildly (because self-identification occurs around the eyes it became like trying to meditate in a tumble dryer). In combination I would ping pong between the eyes/head and hara, which was a real irritating hinderance, to tranquility, stability, unification etc

So the first conundrum becomes how to relax the head?

Techniques tried (at my current quality of practice):
Attitude: Acceptance, warm and fluffy pleasant smiling regard. (my practice seems not able to shift anything at all)
Visual-kinaesthetic-isation: Hakuin's fragrant butter melting down ones head. Scalp & face as sieve and breathing through holes/pores. (Iam ineffectual with these currently)
Grounding energy: microcosmic orbit & central channel (My quality of practice seems to give very temporary relief. Seems the tension is back even stronger the next day)

Bottom line it seemed to me, was with doing these techniques, to some degree they seemed to add tension to the head. Therefore being somewhat self-defeating or self propagating.

So on a whim whilst in a temporary disidentification with the head (to the degree I can manage/imagine/refabricate) and attempting to take the whole head as the object of samatha from a partial absorption and identification with the hara, I asked the tension its meaning and it replied(!) 'grasping on for dear life'.  On a second whim I asked the head "who amI", and it replied 'Iam pain'!

Despite being dubious of my head talking to me (on reflection thats so ironic!) I contemplated this later and it occurred to me of course 'fear' perhaps the obvious 'of dying', but why the head specifically?, perhaps 'terrified of the unKNOWN'. I remembered at this point that as a young child I had these re-occurring terrible nightmares of first a ghost and secondly being transported into an unknown, incomprehensible frightening realm. Now, I imagine I would have been terrified of going to sleep, i.e. letting go... to sleep. Thus the "grasping on" to the head "for dear life" and not being able to let go. Additionally (going out on a speculative limb here) it explains a curious pattern Ive noticed. If a technique or something works... I stop, my mind then critiques and shreds it to crap, I then go on looking for something else, forgetting the previous, only to remember months later and wonder why I stopped. This seems to underlie a kind of gung ho attitude of wanting to 'explore new worlds' i.e. insight etc. So in short a fascination and an enthusiasm for the unknown countered by an undercurrent of terror of the unknown manifesting as a desperate grasping of the head. hmmmm. Perhaps the trigger is the loss of the familiar, and then automatically clamping/grasping on to return to it for dear life.

Thats just 'my shit', but perhaps for me, for the first time ever, some deep psychologising has proven useful! But what exactly to do with it? It has some explanatory power, but being somewhat dim-witted I was stumped as to what to do next (another theme!).

'Iam pain' -> 'self IS suffering'...something like the 1st Noble Truth?
Why rather than "hanging on for dear life", "grasping..."...2nd Noble Truth?

So then how to let go of that burning coal which Ive been carrying around with me unnecessarily apparently for many years? It is as if one is pinching oneself. How to stop pinching oneself? How to stop 'grasping' oneself...but being somewhat dim-witted I was stumped as to what to do next...

How to end suffering (3rd Noble Truth)....hang on...Im so close....just another step....3+1....what was it now?...Noble 3fold path....no not quite right....The Noble 8 Fold path!! Im back where I started! Damn.

However despite the running around in circles, I was thinking isnt it about time to nail this 'self' sucker once and for all. It might knock out the head ache and eye tension in one merciful blow...OK full throttle 'who amI?'

I was working on the 'who amI' koan whilst life context dark, deadly serious and dreary, and was rotating around 'who is'... 'searching', 'letting up', 'trying', 'asking', 'hearing' etc. I felt nicely boxed in with nowhere to go for about an hour, brows furrowed etc when I thought "hang on, you're just making this stuff up!". I then began laughing ridiculously. Not sure this was accompanied with any articulatable insight,... but non-dualist jokes work for me now, despite 'I' obviously being still here, but it is diminished. Whilst watching some tv later, I noticed more feeling down my back, and something like a muscle relaxed mid back and briefly I couldnt find the 'I' and there seemed a disidentification from thoughts.

Then the phase of comedic hysteria began and I started this practice log.

As can be seen from above posts I then 'invented' lazy bum meditation (TM) which I will begin my 'new age empire' building with. Look forward to my book 'Meditation for lazy idiots: a way of gaining enlightenment by doing as little as possible (otherwise you will just fuck it up)' by ButtieJi, Supreme and Luminous Dharma King (including previously unpublished Zen skit). It'll be expensive though because you dont just get this hard to find info for free on the internet.

Attempts at levity aside, what prompted me to spill my guts and their contents here is that, for sure, since all the previous happened something has changed. I dont think its on the insight map, but rather somewhere between silla and samatha. My head feels different, the tension has lessened and changed shape...and then in a recent meditation my body began feeling like a dried up stuffy prune (not just from dehydration methinks) hinting at decades old numbed out tensions rising to the surface.

Conclusion:
Before I start trying to talk to my diaphragm to find out Im terrified of x,y & z too, Im going to go full throttle again on the 'who amI' koan.
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supaluqi, modified 5 Years ago at 3/6/17 3:40 AM
Created 5 Years ago at 3/6/17 3:34 AM

RE: supaluqi's logs

Posts: 45 Join Date: 4/12/16 Recent Posts
It seems I passed through the gateless gate about 5 days ago. Confirmed.

It feels like the turning point has been passed, the more Iam able to relax and let go, the faster it'll go.

What a relief, the inner struggle is over, in the sense I have no dog in that fight. 'I'am done. Not in the sense of 4th path 'done', but in the sense the 'I' in 'I' is done, finished. I is that. It seems at the moment that the observed push and pull of the inner struggle will eventually wear itself out in a final whiff of absurdity. Aka Noah's dropping of the organising filter, aka to increasingly "move coolly like a lotus flower blooming in the midst of a roaring fire"

Hara meditation can now be done without visual or feeling metaphors.

One gets the impression from current meditation that dissolution (damn impermanency!) and emptiness are on the horizon.

This santa claus no longer searches for the unicorn! emoticon

Thanks to Chris Marti, his prompts helped, and Kim Kitami for his Awake ebook for lopping the horn off the unicorn!
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supaluqi, modified 5 Years ago at 3/6/17 5:20 AM
Created 5 Years ago at 3/6/17 5:20 AM

RE: supaluqi's logs

Posts: 45 Join Date: 4/12/16 Recent Posts
While Im figuring this to be a milestone, although not strictly on the MCTB 4 path schema, I found my KFD days previous logs detailing highly probably First Path:

http://awakenetwork.org/forum/kfd-archive-wetpaint/12212-sparqis-logs
http://awakenetwork.org/forum/kfd-archive-wetpaint/12291-sparqis-logs2
http://awakenetwork.org/forum/kfd-archive-wetpaint/12596-sparqi-s-death-notes

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