Message Boards Message Boards

Toggle
Ego adaptation
Answer
11/25/17 3:16 PM
Ok. So i posted here sometime ago. What happened was i contionued to meditate. Strangest things started happening. Because of my aproach i just went spiraling through layers and layers of misery. I continued practicing andfinally found metta and compassion. Now problem was i developed concentration that simply eradicates any thing that surface during vipassana. Thing is as soon as i found metta i automaticaly eradicated it along with compassion. Now i think that these things cant be eradicated but doubt is still there. Practice wast his. Look withi and find chainsof emotions and later look at them and while i looked they dissolved. So this i did for some time however problems started apearing. Few days ago i couldnt bare this things and remebered i encountered cessation once before so i concentrated on it, it resurfaced and it dissolved at instant. So day after that i read culadasas book and i had his enlightement. Today im producing his emotions via mechanism of his awakening. I had his exp. This is nothing new, since i started meditating andresurfaced trauma ive been having those problems, i simply gather others emotions, repressed ones and meditate later and dissolve them like mine. Now what i found out is that when i dissolve something it just turs into somethingelse thats easier to bare. I mediated like this i concentrate on breath and relax and simply go through what it seems to me layers of concius. Now what happened was i started gathering othersdefence mechanisms  so in meditation they beggan working like mine dissolving my own emotions. While i know these thigs can be produced again i wonder how in hell can i snap out of this spiral. Also after taking others emotions you beggin to meditate like them even have same breaks and insights but different shape with different hurdles. I just pushed on and now i dont realy know what to do. I plan on meditating until i break through but hope to find some guidance here. I know awakening, cessation is ego thing, otherwise i couldnt imitate it(just to be clear i saw break wen reading culadasa book, like just nothing and click in forehead and after that calmness with insights into nature of i ). Now problem is after i take someones energy i produce what he produces so i feel like he feels. This aint imagination cos my friends saw all these hanges in me. I beggin looking like people, feeling like them, during vipassana you can see distinct difference between emotions, so i know this is thrue. Also when i write if i let hand go, it just writes what others people subconciusly think how they feel. Is there any advice on this state?

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/25/17 6:37 PM as a reply to Srdjan Slobodan Laketa.
Hi there. I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now, with practice, these things shall pass, but only after clearing the resistance that you still have. Could you tell us a little more about your cessation event? The type of suffering you appear to be facing suggests that you may have certain blockages where the mind is refusing to let go of so it sounds to me like you are in the dark night still, I will explain why in a moment. Please note that as I am only going by what you have wrote, it can be difficult to get the full jist of things. Also I apologize if you have already read or know things I'm typing.

The process of awakening has been described on here somewhere as "Basically getting out of your own way". What we count as ourselves in this instance exists in ever more subtle ways, and the dukkha you feel right now is where you have had a strong enough experience where your mind (which still believes it's you) hasn't quite stabilised and accepted things as they are. 

I believe that if you have had a cessation moment, there is a more restful natural state the mind can abide in when it is not all stirred up. For instance, 1st path has a natural resting state with similarities to 1st Jhana, 2nd path has a sensory 'vibe' of 2nd Jhana and so on. Do you feel that there has been a noticeable permanent shift since this moment? It may be important to figure this out because in the chance you're actually in Re-Observation, and your cessation moment was actually Dissolution, it may be difficult to accuracy assess what to do next. I am not positive this is the case, but it is worth thinking about.

You mention how your concentration meditation is getting in the way of Metta etc. The nature of concentration is simply to prevent the mind activity in the first place. You are right that if your mind is too concentrated, certain elements are lessened in Vipassana, however this doesn't mean you cannot do Vipassana while heavily concentrated. Sure, you're not going to notice lots of different things like before such as thoughts, however it does offer a different sort of territory to work with. Remember that the observation of ANY sensations can develop insight, but only if the 3 characteristics of it are noticed. On a 12 Goenka Vipassana retreat, the first few days are purely spent developing concentration to insane levels so very subtle objects can be observed.
As one of the Brahma Viharas, Metta can actually be practiced with high concentration as it is in essence a type of concentration practice in itself. Getting the mind to do as it's told...

It is ill advised to take the psychic symptoms you are experiencing seriously, for the simple reason that it is very very difficult to verify, they may be right one day, wrong the next, but any attachment or aversion inevitably lead to delusion, which with psychic phenomena can make reality hard to work with. Such states are to be noted as simply as possible. You always have time to think about them when things are less in turmoil.

 It's possible that concentration meditation could help you right now to take the edge off of life's harsh bits. It may not be as quick a route to stream entry as hardcore noteage, but neither is getting stuck in wrong view.

Some thoughts for enquiry:

What is it about your friends emotions that feel bad. Is it a physical feeling, or a mental feeling? If you didnt think it was uncomfortable, would it still be so? Who is it that thinks it is uncomfortable? All these answers lead to all more questions. Stillness and acceptance is the way forwards. To accept that there could be a chance you could feel like this for the rest of your life (you won't), and things won't be worse than they ever have. The mind ruminating is just thoughts and concepts, but stillness and clarity is nature's infinite perfect expression, upon which these concepts are made from, and where they go back to.

I hope all that makes sense, it's quite late and I'm very tired. Hope you work things out!

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/25/17 9:29 PM as a reply to Dom Stone.
I was raised in warrior family. This means certain natural ego adaptations. Since i was little i was violent and uncontrolable. In order to be true warrior you have to have death wish. We all have this its in our blood. So this lets us do certain things normal people cant. This made my life intersting to say the least. Now before meditation  i can say other people feared me, although i was best friend they can have. I was born in a war time so these things only became stronger. This was cos i carried with me certain horrors, its a way of my upbringing. When i started meditating i could go in absorbtion at once. I had great  oncentration. But traumas resurfaced. So i stood still while memories boiled out. What happened after that was i would meditate and relive others person trauma like my own. This made practice interesting. I would gain energy from this. What i didnt recognize in time was that my concentration and energy was based on fear. If you know somebody that was in war he would tell you that best clarity was in battle. I aproached this way to meditation. While this works great when applied to real world in introspective sense it breeds strange results. You basicaly work in oposite. Theres fear and theres horror. With fear you have courage, with horror you have energy. All things in you work ina same way. You feel sorry for your friends cos they are weak pussies. You dont feel bad for the enemy only have release and need. Also if you have barriers you can just turn off feelings, you dont feel anything at all. With time you learn to hide emotions but people feel some things.  This made practice easy cos i did not have ay hurdles at all. But when traumas resurface, part of me kinda died so other things that never made problems for me started getting ina way. I worked on hatred and anger all my life so when i let them go i kinda lost energy. This enabled other things to get in, or rather for me to let them. So what happened is dark night showed all madness in full glory. First there was form of bpd then misery, then paranoia, then dissociation, then madness then depression, panic attacks and shit. I developed DID as a form of coping cos my ego understood eradictions of chains like attack so it hid beyond others emotions. So i cant really meditate like myself. I didnt sleep like myself even for a 6 months i just enter some kinda shity half dream i found out this was called hypngnognia. This is also form of coping mechanism i took from my buddy. I beggan feeling and processing emotions like him. Also acting like him. This further fucked me up. I couldnt meditate at all for a while cos i unknowningly retraumatized myself meditating on others trauma. I found out that majority of problems was cos i denied pelasure whole my life. I simply found normal acticities boring. Constant need for stimulation prosuces funny things. I dont know what is this but is bad shit. I cant concentrate at all now. I became forgetfull cos i developed another mechanism of defense i became unable to feel things, made myself tougher if you will.. I know exact mechanisms of these things but its a strangest thing really. If i meditated on breath i would surely get awakened in a month or so but i had to do vipassana. Well shit tough break. Now im mad as shit. But i will have awakening. Itsa strange thing. I reverted to childhood i some way.. I dont know what to do anymore cept for breath awarenes. First cessation was like a beggining of bliping after month or so of hard practice. I was practicing from morning to evening. I got to states where i dont hear or think have unlimited concentration and attention. But people started influencing practice. After dissolving some of the trauma i became open to influence so people started implanting their shit in me. My slut of the mother in a panic attack implanted some kinda her fears in me. Also fucken grandma also, simply put people in my vicinity are sick, and it took year of practice to see just how much. I understood that im one thats letting them but man its hard. When i got to cessation event, first one i jerked when nothingess came, i later found out that its fear i took from grandma but i couldnt recognize it cos of manipulation mom implanted. You gotta understand that these are very sick people and i was sickess of them all. They are full of fears, they weaponized them and work in this way. I think i will be better if i can just sleep one night. But i cant for the life of me. I read culadasas book yesterday and when i was reading about cessation i took emotional energy. I later had his insight in nature of i. Its similar to mine cessation only it was diffrent ina way cos i produce his energy now. Im bound to get schizo this way. I want mine awakening. Simply as for exp it was just that blip click and then ego started shreding. But i know its just a form of my organism to cope with stress meditation is giving him. 

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/26/17 4:47 PM as a reply to Srdjan Slobodan Laketa.
See problem in these things is next. I did this whole my life in some form. Theres a mechanism where you gather others energy cos you feel responsible for others. Its mixture of guilt and greatness and wish to help. Next i would expunge it with exercise and some form of self expression. Its from maladaptive parenting and fierce upbringing. I dont think theres anything supernatural bout this. I dont think i owe anything to anyone, whole my life i gather others energy and give out my own. When some things happen to you you become closed of, you start not feeling. I dont think theres anything super natural about this. If your told your guilty for others problems whole your life and people in your vicinity act like this is the case you develop strange things. I dont think there is justice. I think theres just dinamic of life. Ive been punishing myself for others shit whole my life. Whole my life i thought bad about myself, looked down on myself and most of these things stemed from childhood. I could never help my brother. I could never help myself, but i thought i dont need help. Example. Mother sets me up for the beating, cos shes hysteric and paranoid. Father does the deed cos he lacks compassion and brain power to understand that moms playing possum and using him. I got beat. Moms enter sees shit(otherwise she ran from  these things and kid herself its not happening). She protects me cos she feels terrible guilt and cant bear it. I misinterpret this guilt as my own cos she manipulated me from childhood. So i take on the emotion as my own and misrepresent moms as savior so i dont view her as complete and utter shit she is. Its a form of coping. Like stocholm sindrome type shit. Example 2.Brother got beat for some of mine shit, since then i take others guilt to punish myself. Nevermind the fact i got beat up hundreds of times for anyones elses shit just cos im oldest one. Its all just dynamic. When your child you protect yourself however you can. You use mind tricks on yourself. Its simple fact. You grown up and you have mechanisms for everything but normal life. I could kill a man right now and i wouldnt have ounce of regret cos i know what people are. I can laugh in face of everything you can imagine. And i really mean anything. Things are simply not scary for me. Even as i type this i can feel i hide my emotions and use others. Im bored of this shit is only thing. I can really take anything. But why bother anymore? I started meditating to erase this shit. And i only got weaker in procces. Even this practice is a scam.  Its just a way to cope with yourself. I was happy on beggining i saw what i coulda been. If i die i wont die alone i promise you that. Out of pride no one of us told anything about beatings. Little did we know our parents did the talking. Course to expunge the guilt to seem "good" in worlds eyes. I think all that shit about karma is just that. There is only conditioning. If your will is stronger you prevail. Its just that. If i brainwash myself that im better i will be and people react to this ego shit. Deep down when it comes to it, good and bad people dont exist. I did brain shit outa curiosity cos i never beleived in these telepatic shit things. But what happened i simply conditioned the mind to do this on its own. Theres a quirk. I work on others deepest fears, i always sensed them and sometimes i take them. With fears comes the ability. Example, girl thats crazy for me reads peoples minds(she can know what you think, but shes too much into weed), this is some form of adaptation for fear of bonding or breaking bonds. I took her ability but with me it took a life of its own i hear subconcius shit all the time. Its this thing i take fears, emotions before i simply metabolised them but now i weakend my defence system that did this. Or rather i feel myself punishing more. I think ego can do whatever you pracitce and order it.

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/28/17 3:53 AM as a reply to Srdjan Slobodan Laketa.
But you are right in some way. World and everzthing in it function with path of LEAST resistane. Action and reaction. If your ego is strong and has good mechanisms of defence then you can do almost everything without any karma or similar bulshit. Its simple man. A man who fears nothing haves a lot of fear and this passes on others so they get him as scary and dont want nothing to do with him. A man who has much pain cant cope with himself so he hurts others. With good emotions is different, these are the ones *good* for society in time of peace. If you are good people walk all over you and you dress it up as im good they will have their karma or whatever. This is a form of coping. You love cos you are afraid you wont be loved. You are good cos you are afraid to be bad. All a man does he does cos of himself deep down. Now if you are greedy you seek to take others which is poor form of coping. If you make for yourself as you say its better. But its better just cos its a society norm, conditioning, whatever. So you punish yourself less. All defence mechanisms, all you have be it good or bad stems from fear of some sorts. Society, your family, life shapes you so you can better cope with fear. I had little *bad emotions* before. Now my genetics have simple solution for fear. Add a little more of it. When you add it enough you become fearless but you function on higher plane. You need constant stimulation and constant exertion. Its kinda hard on body and mind to function like this but its only thing i knew. This however, when you feel EVERYTHING is i think way harder. I think i simply cant relax. I though cessation will bring freedom but its jus a form of coping. Good one i might add but not best. It simply makes you weak and prone to others influence. Cessation is a emotional state i guarnty you this. If you dont beleive me go in vipassana and try to find tension on body that coresponds with memory. Or watch memory and you will see it. Its like courage, you get scared you buckle, you get more scared you get *spine* simply cos ego sees that is better to do so, or cant simply continue in that way. Cessation is like that, on maps of progress you can see ego trying to wigle out of this state but when it cant procide further it buckles...

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/28/17 6:01 AM as a reply to Srdjan Slobodan Laketa.
SSL, When it comes to going beyond the culture we were raised in or currently live in.... I agree with you, talking about meditation or vipassana or cessation is inadequate. Mediation is just one tool, and it's probably the wrong tool except for subtle problems, not big problems. For the big problems we need to be very tough and smart. We can't ignore the crazy way people/cultures work and we can't let ourselves go insane or be defeated by how shitty it is.

It's nearly impossible to stay sane unless we know there are other ways of looking at the world and other people who have gotten away from their limited family/culture. Without that, it seems impossible. That's why I found this article about human development so powerful --- it showed me that there were worldviews beyond the narrow minds I saw around me:

http://www.cook-greuter.com/Cook-Greuter%209%20levels%20paper%20new%201.1'14%2097p%5B1%5D.pdf

Human beings are born with a mechanism that says "beat yourself up, you are wrong, not your parents or culture". This keeps the child in the home until they have an adult body. But after this point, the child starts waking up and seeing what is really happening. Then the question is, how much more will an adult develop before they get so old that they cannot change their mind? Many people stop developing before they get very far. 

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/29/17 12:22 AM as a reply to Srdjan Slobodan Laketa.
Similar childhood, abusive knife-wielding blood-letting parents. As children, right up to adulthood, that child inside can never grow up without facing the demons completely, even assimilating someone else's problems as their own as an escape, as it no longer becomes 'I', even though at no point does it seem like it is an escape. The mind automatically finds the most viable (may not be the quickest or most painless) escape route, you'd be amazed at how efficient this hunter is. At times, it uses compassion to seduce, at other times it makes you feel that doing the most evil is the right thing. See through it all. You have not dissolved anything, your mind just saw and kept running. You have to stop it from providing 'solutions'. My advice is to find a quiet place to do a self-retreat, where you have close to nothing but your bare self with mindfulness as your keeper:

1. keep watching objectively all your emotions/thoughts and not let the mind wiggle to other people's problems as a temporary refuge, dismiss them and return to your prey.
2. Do not have any pre-conceived ideas of what is right or wrong morally, screw all that. Walk these emotions to their end, soak and feel their full power. You can decide what is good for you when it is all over.
3. When you think the above 'trauma' meditation is done, you are wrong. Call up all these nasty past memories and live them, do not let them dissolve. Analyze and stare at them until all you get is boredom from its nothingness, laugh at how helpless you are and face the inevitable answer of "So what can you do about it?".

There is nothing to dissolve, they are part of you. Face them, shelf them respectfully to where they belong and emerge with the outcome to decide what is a good life to live. Be glad you have these trials, no one who has not gone through what you had, can deal better with this world than you, if you do the job of conquering them.

You can run but you cannot hide...

Be strong where it hurts most. Metta+Karuna from someone who knows...

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/29/17 12:59 AM as a reply to Yilun Ong.
Oh and before you think that you can get rid of them, you can't. You can domesticate a tiger but it still has 3 inch canines and paws the size of your face. They will return when you are vulnerable, all you have to guard against what you have decided (from the exercise above) to be 'responding correctly' instead of reacting is mindfulness and remembering that important 'something' that is above all of this whatever. Stay off mind-altering substances. They'll only tighten the bad screws...

We can only work with what we have and that is a lot, ain't it?

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/29/17 4:52 AM as a reply to Yilun Ong.
Look dude. When i was 6 whole family beated on me for half an hour cos i went out to play while there was bombing. I got back got beaten and all they got was rage and *you cant beat enough* from me. I never cried from pain, i cried cos i couldnt get revenge. I never was affraid in instant i turn that shit to rage and you dont see it cos in my mind i decide whether you live or die. I can only seem sad and my eyes get glossy. I loved being alone all my life. My point is, no one ever comanded me. Only cos i felt sorry for people cos they are mainly pussies they could do anything. My whole lot of problems came when i started meditating cos i weakend defence mechanisms that holded me in place, all of them stemed from fear of death, now when you are exposed to such feelings when your kid you gotta work with it. I had an epiphany yesterday. I shoulda stay with what i had in january. I accepted finaly fear, before i purposly went to it. Difference would be if im in danger before i would gain imense energy and laugh an go straight fo it, and now its domesticated. Only problem was this whole year cos i didnt connect to other parts of my persona. That fear was my motivator for everything and thats main reason i was uncontrolable. First time in my life parents talk could affect me, or rather i thought it can. If you get me i simply needed to reroute all i had in little calmer way. I just continued practicing this shit. I simply didnt stop to reconect. And i had that fucking cessation its nothing more than type of courage. Everyone has it only it seems to me i was only mad enoughto get to the bottom of it. Shiiit i gues its better to be a gurru and claim godhood and shits. Well let me tell you when you get 3 deifferent cessations from 3 different persons cos of DID you get cured of IHAVE ATTAINED NIRVANA MOMENT. That shit is only type of courage for ego tosee its not that i portant cos in intant you had it it ceasses thats why its called fucki g cessations, after that you see, shit im alive and then ego beggins shreding of all misery you gathered through life. I know i cant lose anything. I k ow feeling will get back. O ly now i know what im doing and why. I will never be sorry for anyone or anything for that matter. Things i saw this last half a year would send a man into asylum. Things that resurfaced from me would give vietnam vet ptsd and to think all my life i thought i was like this cos of myself. Well lets just say a aint got a illusion anymore. People are spoiled cunts. I see this now. I NEVER BETRAYED ANYONE. Never hurt friend. Always helped no matter the cost. Always protected. Always was paragon and people looked down on me, cos they dont understand what lenghts you have to in order just not to kill a person when hes acting up. Now did i do these things cos momma and daddy taught me love and respect? I did these things cos from 7 years old me and my brother woved never to bow down to satanisms as we caled it. Now what i see. Even buddha is manipulative cunt. All that shit about loving fellow man stems from metta and compassion and gues whats beneath it all? Fear. As you all know what you carry in you changes the perspective you have o  the world and i cant abide by that. Your felow man, if he doesnt have a death wish like some hes gonna fuck you over. If he wasnt conditioned to take beatings on daily basis in order to releive brother from pain he wont releive you from nothing. I grateful for meditation cos it taught me to never ever doubt in my judgment. I knew people are scum. They are just affraid momma and poppa wont love them, that society is gonna judge them and shit like that. Good, comunity adored people did all these things to me and my brother. Did they do it in order for us to be better? Hell no. They didit cos their fragile egos wont let them see the truth like most of scum on earth. I simply cos of intense horror i carried learned to see whats beneath. Its all an act, when a mans angry hes scarred. When hes acting up hes just scarred shitless and he dreses it up like hes not. Well gues what pussy you dont know the meaning of fear. Whole my life i could do these things and only cos of sympathy i felt i was swayed, well no more. Theres a diffrence when somone is acting like a victim and when one is. What good comunity peole did to us they went to their also good comunity parents and talked loud how we don listen to them in order to disable us from seeking help. So i got whole family of cunts, whole fucking society of cunts, who lie and dress it up as something else. I think budha saw this, why should he insist on compassion otherwise? Why he said dont kill your mother or father? I see things clear now. I will contionue to practice but what i saw this year will never be erased.  And please for the love of all thats holly. Its an ego thing. Even fucking meditation. Emptiness is emotion. Cessation is emotion. Its just a way to cope for ego. Even in maps you can see what it is. All those stages are simply there in order to break balls of ego, in order to cessation and enilghtement to mature. All those shity insights.. I had stages repeat 3 times cos did resurfaced. All those mental sickneses? Just a way for ego to cope with stress. I am just really sorry i didnt stop in january. I had cessation in february. My cessation. But my ego ran way cos he took from other person. Now i have several others in me but i will route them out. Didnt sleep for 6 months cos of my *friend* who i wanted to help by taking his problem and trying to work it out with meditation. This i did whole my life, but before i would expunge it with training. KARMA much? I shit on karma. Its all a scam remember this. Understand this. Its just who has better defence mechanism. Nothing else. Just that. Thats the world we live in. No matter how we dress it up. Fuck all talk about metta and shit like that. If i wanted out of trouble and pain and misery i woulda died when drs cut me out of womb. Even then they said i woulda die. Even then i survived on will alone. Whole my fucken life i was way better just cos of the things i survived from mostly everbody i encountered. So theres your practice and shit about karma. Its just you and no one else. You do things to yourself. You let people do things. And for any fuck who thinks i had an out. I thought up to my 22 year that this way of life is good even normal. Well we will see. Maybe it is normal. Cos it shows you who are people and whats on thier agenda. Motherly love? Fear of being alone and fear of death trumps that shit it stomps it in puddle. Metta? Why should i be weak. I cant let myself be weak. People here on internet i think underestimate things that happen in real world. Friends? All my friends where affraid of me. Deep down they know when it comes to that who would come out on top. And worse thing my friends are all societys worst. They all wanna be killers. You cant be a killer when you feel for enemy, then you carry him on your soul, cept in war and why? Cos he wants to kill you. Theres your karma and shit. Its nothing. I fucking hate this hypocratic shit we call society. Adaptation. Based on fear. I shit on fear and on courage.

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/29/17 5:58 AM as a reply to Srdjan Slobodan Laketa.
Things i saw this last half a year would send a man into asylum. Things that resurfaced from me would give vietnam vet ptsd and to think all my life i thought i was like this cos of myself. Well lets just say a aint got a illusion anymore. People are spoiled cunts. I see this now. I NEVER BETRAYED ANYONE. Never hurt friend. Always helped no matter the cost. Always protected. Always was paragon and people looked down on me, cos they dont understand what lenghts you have to in order just not to kill a person when hes acting up. Now did i do these things cos momma and daddy taught me love and respect? I did these things cos from 7 years old me and my brother woved never to bow down to satanisms as we caled it.

 Your felow man, if he doesnt have a death wish like some hes gonna fuck you over. If he wasnt conditioned to take beatings on daily basis in order to releive brother from pain he wont releive you from nothing. 

I don't see how your story adds up. Are you imagining things or having fun? You have begun to let go of fear, but you have always been fearless. You have always acted with compassion and integrity but you ran when meditation shows the compassionate side of you? You walked a little bit, experienced an early stage cessation and assumed that's all there is - Fine. 

But you are in a war zone with internet connection and actually have time/thought that meditation can save your life?

emoticon

EDIT: Seeing your other thread, you are either trolling or you need to seek help from a doctor. All the best!

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/29/17 10:14 AM as a reply to Yilun Ong.
Im talking about meditation practice. Simply things that resurfaced. Imagine simply traumas resurfacing for half a year. I talked about that. Its not war zone anymore. There was a war here when we was kids. I never felt this type of fear. Other persons fear. Before practice i could see, or sense that man is afraid. Even know what he thinks if its strong enough. But i never felt his fear this way, like it was mine. I couldnt sense it because i was full of it and thats the main reason i couldnt sense fear. I learned to block my own fear in a way. Im talking about that. Im talking about period from 93 up to 2006 when there was riots in country and before it was civil war. Last 3 years i was in pretty bad shape, couldnt train and was pissed all the time so i started meditating in november of 2016. Since then my life was derailed completly, cos of the simple fact i did too much meditation and went too deep.I didnt know why i acted the way i acted and when things started surfacing i understood. I didnt remember any of it, cos of the simple fact i kinda blocked feelings below head. I ran cos the trauma resurfaced and sent me into child state cos of the intesity of feelings. Thats the whole point. And its a  main reason psychologists advise against meditation if your from traumatic background. And im talking about how poeple do things cos of their parents, just cos you saw something doesnt means its good, or cos something bad happened to you its not ok to guive others treatment. Simply empathy worked in funny way with me, so it beggan giving me problems now when it opened.

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/29/17 2:41 PM as a reply to Yilun Ong.
Yilun Ong:
Similar childhood, abusive knife-wielding blood-letting parents. As children, right up to adulthood, that child inside can never grow up without facing the demons completely, even assimilating someone else's problems as their own as an escape, as it no longer becomes 'I', even though at no point does it seem like it is an escape. The mind automatically finds the most viable (may not be the quickest or most painless) escape route, you'd be amazed at how efficient this hunter is. At times, it uses compassion to seduce, at other times it makes you feel that doing the most evil is the right thing. See through it all. You have not dissolved anything, your mind just saw and kept running. You have to stop it from providing 'solutions'. My advice is to find a quiet place to do a self-retreat, where you have close to nothing but your bare self with mindfulness as your keeper:

1. keep watching objectively all your emotions/thoughts and not let the mind wiggle to other people's problems as a temporary refuge, dismiss them and return to your prey.
2. Do not have any pre-conceived ideas of what is right or wrong morally, screw all that. Walk these emotions to their end, soak and feel their full power. You can decide what is good for you when it is all over.
3. When you think the above 'trauma' meditation is done, you are wrong. Call up all these nasty past memories and live them, do not let them dissolve. Analyze and stare at them until all you get is boredom from its nothingness, laugh at how helpless you are and face the inevitable answer of "So what can you do about it?".

There is nothing to dissolve, they are part of you. Face them, shelf them respectfully to where they belong and emerge with the outcome to decide what is a good life to live. Be glad you have these trials, no one who has not gone through what you had, can deal better with this world than you, if you do the job of conquering them.

You can run but you cannot hide...

Be strong where it hurts most. Metta+Karuna from someone who knows...

Really nicely said, though I confess I am fortunate that I cannot relate to it in the least. Perhaps it won't be helpful here, but I hope you won't hesitate to share this wisdom again somewhere/sometime when there is respectful listening.

Deep bows. 

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/30/17 12:12 AM as a reply to Stirling Campbell.
I surely will, Stirling. You would not be wrong to say that it is my job to do so. *Deep bows back at you*

Dear SSL, the problem, however it surfaces - as someone else's or yours - the person feeling it is you, no point in wriggling out of that one. I think my advice is clearly stated above. Only by facing it can you come to terms with it. I am sorry the fact that meditation causes "our stuff to bubble to the surface" has to hit you this way, but guess what? Embrace it and 'stronger' will have greater meaning to you. Let me know if anything is unclear.

May all beings be free from suffering!

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/30/17 12:44 AM as a reply to Yilun Ong.
Hey man apritiate your help an all. I just cant get my head around why i feel like others after talking to them. Before no one could influence me like this. Its fucked up. All my life i had to make hard choises so i could save myself and others from dark. Others dont face such decisions. So they can ease up on shit. They can cheat a friend, girl, do all manner of shit and nothing will seriously be wrong in their lives just cos they are easy on themselves. They are empty the lot of them. Dont have heart dont have brain nothing nada. But its funy cos they say same things as me although in their case things dont mean anything. Whole my life i thought people mean what they say to understand they lie all the time. And cos of what? Wheres karma? Where the fuck is my karma? What the fuck did i do that warants this kind of life? Nothing thats the point. And now all things i say have effect on me cos i defused my defence mechanisms. Why is that? Why i suffer more now than before? I suffered more before in intenisty but this is funny. 

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
11/30/17 1:23 AM as a reply to Srdjan Slobodan Laketa.
There's 3 kinds of karma:

1. Whatever good/bad thoughts/action/speech you had, you feel their good/bad effects. <- This is the only meaningful thing anyone needs to know about karma. The rest are guesswork and beyond our pay-grade to understand, so drop them.
2. When you slept with your neighbour's wife, he beat you up. <-Expect bad things to happen if you do them but do not expect good things to happen when you do good. This isn't sad, this is sanity. If you expect shit to happen, you will be fine with it. If better things come, hey isn't life great? emoticon
3. Whatever you ate for dinner just now, could save xxxx human lives or it could come back as an earthquake and swallow everybody you know. <- Why are you speculating karma is this or that? Forget about it. If you can be evil without feeling the effects of (1.), who is to say you are wrong? Is the lion wrong to kill the deer? Let the effects of your thoughts/actions guide you. Regard all else as nonsense or you will suffer endlessly going all righteous about it and demanding good begets good. 

And you are suffering now because you are the one creating your own karma -> see (1.) again. It will go on forever till you drop it, so when shall that be? The 2 most important words in the Dharma, IMHO, is "Let Go".

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
12/1/17 2:52 AM as a reply to Yilun Ong.
Well i function whole my life by accepting worst posibility. That gives me strenght to carry on. I never expected good things. Is it better to accept death than to run from fear. Its better to accept fear than to battle it. In retrospect i just had to ceasse fighting in beggining of the year. I wouldnt snap like this if i tried to lead more ballanced life. I just meditsted whole year all time i could manage. Shoulda paused after initial breakthrough and just wait for organism to recoup. And dont listen to any guru shithead, this swayed me from my original meditation, which by the way led me to absorption on second try. I had that shit locked and i did by instinct. I lost a year on destroying my psyche just cos i listened to others shit. Thanks dude for kind words and wisdom. Psychotherapy and pills fuck that shit. Train, work, girl, study, what i learned about life this year its mostly about ballance. If your crazy fuck then its gonna be hard to. But calm a bit, let things resurface and accept them and its easier.

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
12/1/17 4:25 AM as a reply to Srdjan Slobodan Laketa.
Well i function whole my life by accepting worst posibility. That gives me strenght to carry on. I never expected good things. Is it better to accept death than to run from fear. Its better to accept fear than to battle it. 
You functioned that way due to fear, so you protect yourself by such programming. May I suggest accepting uncertainty and the fact that you do not have control? Do not look forward to outcomes. Watch them as they occur and deal with them, moment by moment. All these preliminary guesswork, all these programming to accept the worst - how often do they realize? If they often do not turn out the way you thought, what is the point of all these nonsense mind-activity?
 In retrospect i just had to ceasse fighting in beggining of the year. I wouldnt snap like this if i tried to lead more ballanced life. I just meditsted whole year all time i could manage. Shoulda paused after initial breakthrough and just wait for organism to recoup. 

Looking back, there are many wrong things I did and even more wrong things that happened to me. But when I look back with the 'eyes' I have now, nothing was ever wrong, I would not change a thing even if I can, and nothing I do now can be wrong in the same sense. I will still make mistakes, just like everyone else, but if I reflect, I choose to marvel at how previous conditioning alters my actions, if I do not, there really is nothing funnier than laughing at yourself - you should try it, it is addictive. emoticon
Train, work, girl, study, what i learned about life this year its mostly about ballance. If your crazy fuck then its gonna be hard to.

Don't sweat over it. I am the exact configuration now due to the exact sequence of things that happened. And all of that changes every instant. What you can use to choose at any moment is what you have at that moment (nothing more/less); the choice to be calm/happy/satisfied is always amongst the spread. With your recently acquired powers, use them to drop suffering/craving/clinging if they come knocking.
But calm a bit, let things resurface and accept them and its easier.

I see that you have come out of it all, wiser! That's a fantastic thing to be happy about and I will choose that over beating myself up senselessly, at any moment.

You'll be fine just by being mindful... ;)

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
12/1/17 5:51 AM as a reply to Yilun Ong.
But its strange. Before i had defence mechanism for every type of emotion. Uncertanty was defeated by accepting worst. Fear of death was defeated by looking forwad to it. If i had any problem with particular situation i would just dissociate and let the demons take over. In effect i would turn off control of my actions. I was empty completly no feeling whatsover. Fear of lonliness was defeated by loving being alone. Terror was mechanism that fueled these things not normal fear. It was simple fact they are gonna kill me that fueled every action. I could lie and manipulate and was totaly impervious to those things from others. This granted me enormous energy. But made day to day interactions with people strange. Then came acting. I could act whoever i wanted. This is done by mechanism of acceptance where you mimic parents, which was never working in that orded in me. SImple fact that ist lower on list of priorities from fear for life. Im having doubts what is better now. My old self, or this new thing. Liberation is point of this for me and i saw that i was more free from anything. Bad thing is i never knew these things. Conciusly i mean. I just knew almost all the time why people do something and their act was not understandable to me. Why act? If nothing this dissociation thing showed me others perspective. Its puny. I akways wanted to understand people. Now i do. But man. These were all helpfull things.

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
12/1/17 6:19 AM as a reply to Yilun Ong.
Its strange really. Me and my brother in group of people and disscus fear and anger. 5 say tipical macho bulshit. 3 of them act mad. 2 of them are i would like to be angry. My bro says out flat(he has courage, spine and all i just go toward fear) im scared for my life whenever i fight. Im like nah man im coward i never fight. Then they disscus anger, these peolple want to be angry? They even psych themself up. Bro cant contain curiosity and asks why should you build up you just let go- and they look him strange. That society. Cunts the lot of them. Now i understand why someone is a cunt. I couldnt hide behind no one so i jsut couldnt afford to be cunt. But meditation makes me a bit sensitive. Now what i know. You cant change. But now first time in my life i can choose. Before I could too but it was all life or death. Now i can choose. But i cant change my brain that much i think what i did now is pretty good.

RE: Ego adaptation
Answer
12/1/17 8:52 PM as a reply to Srdjan Slobodan Laketa.
Many answers here, might help to read the whole book: https://albigen.com/uarelove/most_rapid/chapter02.htm