Hi Neko,
Thanks so much for your response. I'll try to answer these as best I can:
Could you share some more about your practice history? Some basics like: What techniques have you practiced in the past, how long for, and so on? What is this thing that you call "the first awakening" above?
What does your practice look like right now? What techniques, how many times a day, how long for, what difficulties are you encountering applying the techniques, do you feel that you are getting mileage out of them, stuff like that. Also include: What do you mean by "reprogramming the brain"? How do you do that?
I’ll answer these together because it hasn’t changed too much over time except by increasing or changing in consistency and adding different ways of approaching the same questions or concerns. I’ve tried various things but this is basically what stuck:
Sitting meditation for me normally involves watching the breath, then letting thoughts arise and watching them, then asking who or what is seeing the thoughts (or something like that), then returning to the breath; also frequently loving kindness meditation; other stuff as well, but this is the most consistent way I’ve done it. Then it’s mostly watching and naming thoughts, watching my reactions to thoughts, working through reasons for my behaviors and beliefs, sitting with feelings, questioning everything, stuff like that.
What I meant by the first awakening was stream entry. I can go into the details of that but that’s a whole other can of worms. Basically it involved dissolving, awareness of oneness boundless in space, without beginning or end, boundless consciousness, seeing human life as only a snippet of the continuing chain of being, with ecstasy, bliss etc.
Also important: What are your goals right now? Why do you meditate/practice?
I’m feeling a bit divided over the term goal. One part of me is just happy watching and being, no goals to be had, and the part of me that posted this is looking for a different perspective on all this because none of it fits together in any clearly meaningful way. Honestly, if your advice is just to sit with that, it would probably give me some peace of mind.
I meditate/practice because I love myself enough to not just keep suffering and I love humanity enough to put myself in a place where I could actually be helpful to others in that respect.
EDIT: for whatever reason, forgot to say a reason even more fundamental than that previous paragraph: to realize truth. I don't buy that the human mind can touch knowledge (that it's a Chinese room if you're familiar with Searle); ego is a barrier to seeing truth. Everything that seems important I suspect will come from realization of truth... not that awareness isn't already aware of truth...
There’s probably contradictions in all that, but that’s how everything looks now…
(For completeness: Have you been diagnosed with any kind of medical or psychological illness that you feel might be playing a role here?)
No but I self-diagnose as an Aspie. That was all unprecedented and not something chronic.
Specifically about your post: It would seem that:
a) You are relatively engaged with the content of your thoughts;
b) There is some unpleasant emotional material being activated that you seem to be engaged with from the point of view of its content (anxiety, fear).
Sure it’s unpleasant. The concern here has more to do with losing my handle on those emotions. I trained myself to not always let them drive me and to happily let them be, and all that seems to have gone away, leaving me with a seemingly less-trained mind, like returning to my teenage brain.
The way you are handling this sensory / cognitive / emotional material coming up is at least partially by looking for external or conceptual solutions, such as: contact with friends, external meaning, is the world empty or meaningful?, philosophy, scepticism. Is this in any way related to the practices that I asked about in Part 1?
Processing ideas to use in practice without clinging to them or assuming they hold truth has gone hand in hand with practice. There are a lot of levels friends play into that as well, so yes and no.
More generally, your intended practices and techniques, how do they suggest to handle this stuff that is coming up? Do you feel that you are practicing your techniques as you were instructed to (whether by a person, a book, a video)? Specifically:
i) In what ways do you think that you are doing a "good job"?
ii) In what ways do you think you could be applying your techniques better, more effectively, and/or more as intendended?
I could meditate more often, more consistently, but with watching my thoughts and all that stuff, it has gotten pretty consistent; it’s something I do most of the time rather than just when I intend to focus on it. More importantly, I started practice with the expectation that it would bear some fruit and it has, which is why I intend to keep at it. However, I’m always looking for ways to hone the practice rather than being content with it just because it’s working. Making it more consistent would help too.
Accepting what is has been a big one: on one hand, I’m accepting this state of confusion and on another I’m writing this out of accepting that my brain is looking for perspectives because it’s not content with this confusion.
thanks again