Hi there,
i posted a few months ago about a mushroom trip gone wrong and thought I would follow up as it is consuming my mind extremely.
i took mushrooms alone over 3 months ago and this is what happened: I felt fear immediately and reacted very negatively, then wished I would die, thinking if I died I’d be enlightened. I eventually went home to sleep the pain away but ended up in this full dissociative state, with abstract thoughts / images in my mind: at first it was pleasant and thought I was dead, then it became unpleasant and I panicked about letting myself die with unresolved karmas.
For awhile I went back and forth between extreme fear and suicidal ideation (mostly fear of going crazy) to blissful feelings and the aspiration to attain enlightenment thinking it was the only way out of the pain.
I started taking seroquel, an antipsychotic and went up to a high enough dose where I was going back and forth between worrying I was crazy, and wanting to kill my self before shit hit the fan and I’d be hospitalized, and believing I wasn’t crazy and everything was going to be ok.
I went up and down the meds, at the lowest dose I had an evening where I felt amazing and thought I was awakening. Then when I realized it was delusion, this sent me into a panicked realization that I was crazy that lasted almost 2 weeks until yesterday, when my psych told me it’s all just anxiety.
all I have been able to think about he past few months is my own mind , worrying where it is going. And thinking obsessively about the dharma. I was a serious practitioner before this, and I keep thinking I need meditation to find equanimity again, and to “purify” all these I generated, but knowing I am far from a stable place to meditate.
Nearly the only things that cheer me up are when I believe I’m fine and will become normal again. But even in this state I fear re-entering the place of mind where I am worried my mind is going to shit and wanting to kill myself before that happens. The only reason I don’t kill myself is because I know my mind will live on.
Further, my ego has gotten much louder and I am having problems accepting it. Loud criticisms of myself, and other people. Overthinking and evaluating everything. I know that all I can do is accept all this but it’s been tough, layers and layers of chatter to accept. Another thing is that everything I do I associate with pre-trauma and have this longing for for my old self. In the bad mental state, this makes me want to escape life, in the good state it makes me just hope and long for everything to go back to normal.
one more thing. If anybody can speak about this dissociative state is like to hear more. I’ve done research and it hasn’t come up really. I had zero awareness of my body, all it was was super abstract incoherent images in my mind. First a general sense of pleasantness then unpleasantness. Can this happen when not on drugs. Can this happen when you die. Lol so paranoid. So so paranoid.
I just wanted to share this for some sort of solace, and anybody who can relate to this I would love to hear from you. Thanks