I value and respect people who are honest with me in their communications and so I try to do the same for others. Do I lack finesse? Maybe. It's definitely not one of my strengths. But it certainly wasn't my intent to provoke you to such a degree and I apologize for being overly blunt.

I was simply trying to be helpful in pointing out that, unless I've misunderstood your position, maybe there's room for improvement in your attitude toward practice. Our attitude is one of the few things in life that we actually have control over and it makes all the difference in every thing that we do. You can change it. Nobody wants you to be "forever broken," least of all me.

aloha bruno,


    In truth, all sentient beings always do the best that they can. Our curse as humans is that we tend to compare ourselves with others. Given there are seven billion people on the planet, that means many people are better than us, we are pretty mediocre and not much can be expected of us. (Monks who thought of themselves like this were "rice bags and clothes hooks" in rinzai's parlance.)

   It isn't reasonable or fair for us to judge ourselves against what we imagine others to be. If we want to use these feelings of failure, use this guilt and anxiety to better ourselves, we can toss out those scales of judgment and fashion new ones. We can judge ourselves as more or less awake, more or less aware of ourselves as "doing the best we can." If our ambition is to be awake all of the time, to practice incessantly and never give way to anger, hatred, greed and delusion, then while we have this aspiration, while we practice this way, we are 100% on our new scale, and perfectly happy with ourselves and our effort. Any time we feel guilty or disadvantaged, we can return to being aware we are doing the best we can, and feel fine about ourselves, in the moment, the present, the only moment which matters. The past is memory, the future is expectation: the present is action. All we need to feel good about ourselves all the time is to be awake, because we are awake in the awareness of doing the best we can. Not "trying" to do the best we can - to say "I'm trying" sounds egoic and whiny, while saying, "I'm doing the best I can" has dignity and reflects self respect. I realize that self esteem is not the aim of practice, but guilt and a basically false low assessment of oneself and one's capabilities causes a lot of unnecessary problems which insight can (and should) eliminate. (My latest understanding of guilt is that it results from not being "caught up" fully in the moment with all our faculties quivering with alertness.)

   It isn't about feeling better, it's about seeing clearly. Seeing clearly just incidentally makes you feel better. People are obsessed with happiness. Like love, they reify it and desire it as a substance. In truth, we only know we are happy in retrospect. If we want to be happy, all we can do is live life every minute as best we can, consciously. I take refuge in being awake. Happiness beams forth when we drop any concern with it.

    Zen might say, as in the platform sutra: Assume everyone else is consciously doing the best they can; assume you are not, and remedy that with constant attention. Meaning don't judge others and try to be 100% present and thus perfect. In that state of perfection nothing is impossible. In that state of perfection no one is better than anyone else, all are equally perfect.

   Just don't compare. (And don't listen to advice!)  (should be a smiley with a wink)


gassho,
terry



in the shobogenzo, dogen quotes the following koan:


When Nangaku Ejō first visited the Old Buddha Daikan Enō, the Old Buddha said, “What is it that comes thus?”
Nangaku thoroughly explored this mudball with his Master during a span of eight years. Finally he made his move, which was his thorough exploration with his Master, saying to the Old Buddha, “I have realized what you meant when I first came here. Upon receiving me, you said, ‘What is it that comes thus?’”
Thereupon, the Old Buddha Enō asked, “And, pray, just what have you realized?”
Nangaku then replied, “Were I to try to put the One Matter into words, they would miss the mark.” This was the manifestation of his thorough exploration with his Master, his manifestation of his eight years of training.
The Old Buddha Enō asked, “And is this a substitute for training to become enlightened?”


*****************
Nangaku responded, “It is not that there is no training for enlightenment, but rather, there is nothing to be had that will stain It.”

*******************[my emphasis - sometimes this line is given: "It is not that there is no training and no enlightenment, but that they can't be separated."]

Thereupon, Enō said, “I am no different, and you are no different, and all the Buddhas and Ancestors of India were no different.”
After this, Ejō explored the Matter with his Master, inside and out, during another span of eight years. Counting from beginning to end, it was during a span of fifteen years that he thoroughly explored the Matter with his Master.

aloha anna,


   Just practices, yes. And just views. Everyone has them, so they are common, but they are how we express ourselves. Humility and simplicity are universal truth, and human dignity. The middle way; not too high, not too low. Practice, practice. Resonance...

   Thank you, dear; aloha nui loa. And a hug (in rural hawaii, we are so used to hugging each other, even acquaintances, that we sometimes forget and hug (cultural) strangers, to their surprise and embarassment; we used to give aloha kisses, too, but that  sort of public intimacy is mostly gone, now).

terry