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Cycles of Light and Dark: What is this?

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I've been cycling between what appers to be dark night, and some sort of peak events for the last six months, and it's only recently stopped. I'm interested to know what I can learn by posting these experiences here. But first I need to provide a little background.

On November 28, 2017 I entered the A&P (had been meditating for almost a year 2+ hours a day). I can remember the day and moment very clearly. I was walking, listening to an audio book, which had a bell inbetween chapters. The bell rang and everything slowed down. Gravity wobbled. The ground got shimmery. Mind relaxed, background tension melted away. Hip / back pain dissapered and my entire form of walking changed in that moment. Once I realized what happened it was like everything went back in fast forward, and all the pain and noise came back. So I stopped. Tried to remember the mental feeling of that last drop. And it came back. And started to 'stick'.

It lasted until Dec 17, 2017, and in that time I can say life was VERY different. Work was effortless. People seemed to know something about me, and were all reaching out asking to talk and for help. Even had an ex from 20 years ago call in crisis and ended up helping her. Both men and women wanted to sleep with me, though I had very little interest in it. On the 17th however, a completely opposite sort of thing happened. It was like a crash. No motivation, energy. Old attachments like coffee, alcoho, and cigarettes started popping into conciousness, which hadn't been around for months and months. I thought I was broken, and in fact my mind was just trying to convince me that I had just slipped a little, just gone back 6 months, etc. It wasn't until I remembered an old story my Llama told me about dark night that I clued into the fact that this must be it (I also remembered thinking - 'nah - that'll never happen to ME'.

DN lasted only a few hours after I realized what it was. Since then, I've experimented with inducing this drop, though without the hugely resounding effects. Eventually I could clear my mind of all activity, by focusing on empty spaciousness in mind. After a while of doing so, brilliant flashing lights happen. So I started to play with this, since it was a very interesting sensation, and seemed very tied to a third eye chakra activation / pulsing.

During this playing I found a way to let go of linking sensations from one moment to the next, and just to inspect them at the instant they hit mind, then let them go. I named this Teflon mind, since it seems so slippery. It also occurred to me that I (the ego 'I') was merely a compilation of memories that were generated through the linking of those sensations from moment to moment, in essence, the glue between moments.

Where this state of mind leads I found quite interesting. Eventually after letting go of control over where focus is, and letting go of linking moments together, it's like an orchestra of sensation, light, feeling, thought, all coming and going moment by moment. Then, it's like a creschendo happens. The light gets very intense, and throbbing as well. Then, nothing. All that happens is this feeling like someone is turning me back on, like flipping a switch. I faintly remember a buzzing sound, but it's not super clear what it sounded like.

Following these events, I become super creative. I write these poems that have insights in them, insights about moments, memory, ego, self, suffering, etc. They're all on https://www.somewhere.ca/category/poetry/ if there's interest. Anyways, I've had about 6 of these events over the last 6 months. Each one seems to be followed by an after-glow, and a mini-dark night. It's not as intense, or pronounced as the first one, but definitely has the characteristics of it. And like the first time, as soon as I realize I'm in it, it fades.

Another thing I've noticed is that the cycles were getting tighter. The last 'creative' event happened on May 13, 2018, followed by the mini-DN on the 16th. At that point I knew the DN was coming, and was prepared for it. It only lasted hours.

My problem is this: My Lama who first confirmed the A&P has gone on extended retreat. So I did speak to another about this cycle and was wondering if this was going to go forever. He indicated that it appeared that I had a preference for one state over the other, which is true. The instruction was that I should inspect that preference, and better understand why it is. This has lead to me seeing that it's another form of pleasure seeking. I figured out how to induce these events, and was now seeking them. Is that the cause of the DN after?

So I haven't gone seeking those events since then, and have greatly stabilized - no more super high-highs / or intense lows. There certaintly seems to be more equanimity now, given that I'm just letting things come instead of pushing them. And they do seem to come, though not as pronounced. And there does still seem to be mild lows as well, but again, I just notice them and move on.

Does anyone have any idea what these gaps / peaks were? Were these really dark nights? What is this cycle?

Others I talk to tell me to forget about categorizing / etc, and just continue practicing. I've got an analytical mind and would be very interested to hear what the possibilities are. There's a huge part of me that really doesn't buy into the idea that knowledge will prevent enlightenment...Also, if anyone has an opinion about inducing these types of events vs. just allowing them to happen.

Thanks!!

RE: Cycles of Light and Dark: What is this?
Answer
6/19/18 4:51 PM as a reply to Mind Hacker.
You experience a heightening of the energy volume, and then you experience a crash afterwards, when the energetic potential is spent. It is an eternal cycle in all affairs, but you become much more attentive to it when the energy volume is tuned way up, as is bound to happen when enough force is generated through meditation, focused awareness or similar techniques.

Instead of only dealing indirectly with ¬ękundalini phenomena» by soldiering on, non-grasping, cushion-fu, you may also consider to learn to deal with it directly through candali yoga aka tummo. This also opens up a whole new avenue of interesting practice stuff. Learn to do the kumbhakas & teh bhandas in order to anchor and control the energy, directing it into the middle channel: then you will not only experience its unfettered exploding bliss, but also its concluding dissipation not as a darknight crash, but as tension released into emptiness. Be warned that permanent heightening of energy volume may ensue as long as practice is kept up, but much more grounded, more solid, much less destabilizing.

RE: Cycles of Light and Dark: What is this?
Answer
6/19/18 5:24 PM as a reply to MetaYogi.
MetaYogi:
You experience a heightening of the energy volume, and then you experience a crash afterwards, when the energetic potential is spent....

Instead of only dealing indirectly with ¬ękundalini phenomena» by soldiering on, non-grasping, cushion-fu, you may also consider to learn to deal with it directly through candali yoga aka tummo. ... in order to anchor and control the energy, directing it into the middle channel: then you will not only experience its unfettered exploding bliss, but also its concluding dissipation not as a darknight crash, but as tension released into emptiness. ....

This rings true. Over the past weeks I've experienced activations in mostly the bottom 6 chakras, and only once in all 7. Not through any particular intention, mind you, simply as you say, cushion-fu. Reading up on Tummo, it seems to be in the general direction I'm headed; I already generate a ton of heat when meditating in the morning (fewer clothes, the better), generally following it with a cold shower. It will be interesting to play with this energy intentionally, and see where the practice goes. I've purchased Lama Yeshe's The Bliss of Inner Fire to do some further reading on the subject. Thanks for pointing that out!!

On a side note, this entire episode started after a 'spontaneous' vajra sattva initiation that happened to me at sherbaling monastary in india in october. So again, Tummo seems to be in line....