Dear dharmaoverground community.
Since I have no Sangha, I want to introduce myself to you with the intention to visit this site on a regular basis and bring my "self" inquiry on a new level; and maybe will be helpful to some of you too. Please excuse my poor English.
---
Brief-History:
My Name is Jonas, and I am 33 years old.
As a child if I remember correct, I was mainly happy.
At the age of 16 I started smoking cigarettes. I really craved after the brain rush right at the beginning. Smoking a few cigarettes after another.
At 17, I got addicted to cannabis. At this age my parents got divorced. I probably developed a depression.
At 19, I took psychedelics like mushrooms.
With 20 I started reading Buddhist texts and other spiritual literature and began meditating occasionally.
At 23, I got addicted to online poker.
With 26 I took a hell of a lot of mushrooms. I had the feeling of my brain exploding into a starlit universe. But at the same time I saw my friends dying. I spoke the words: "love" and the universe became stable again.
At 27 first diagnosed psychosis with following depression.
Since then it was a seven year long crazy ride.
At 29 first 10 day retreat in Thailand. Was mainly in the head and in thoughts. Didn't really work out. But was a good experience.
At 30 second psychosis with following depression.
At 31 separation of long term relationship. Quit all drugs. Started meditating heavily.
Thoughts stopped completely for sometime. Felt blissful. In the mid of the night I woke up having an orgasm in the brain without ejaculation. Next days were wild. Had the feeling of dying. Also I thought other people would die. It became very dark and fearful.
Kind of stopped meditating, but kept trying to stay mindful all the time. I started praying and worked on repentance.
At 32 still working in a old people home. Trying to give love and stay mindful. Is a challenging work.
33 If I walk outside I can sometimes put almost my whole attention into my feet (which was not possible during the retreat). I feel way more grown-up/mature. Addictive behaviour way more under control.
Last few nights I had arkward dreams. In the dreams I just jumped or let go. I never had a free fall out of an airplane with a parachute. But I think this would feel like this. I have a little fear, but then just let go and fall.
---
Insights (?):
At the moment I look at who I am like this:
Oneself is the empty canvas. The canvas is not, but still is also not nothing. Everything one can sense/see/experience is the paint. Since the color changes every instance, the paint is also too not. Therefore, oneself can be the paint because both are not. The color is just a process happening on a non being canvas. If the canvas recognizes, that it is the canvas, then pain arises, because it thought it was the picture. The canvas does not want to be not. Too much invested into colorful paint. The canvas does not realize, that the paint was necessary to be able to "see" the canvas. As long as one doesn't realize, that one is the canvas, as long there will be the colors like when you send white through a prism and a picture is bound to arise. It will be divided into bright and dark colors. Through laying the focus on certain colors the most of the picture, and the upcoming colors will have the same color-tone. But neither the less, how much you paint you will never be able to fulfill the canvas, because the canvas is empty and vast and can not become full, fully satisfied. The canvas is not and the always changing colors are also truly not something. The synthesis of canvas and paint (Nirvana and Samsara), lets the brush be creative. But one should not believe, that one is the picture.
But whether there is something as a brush (will-power/God) I am not sure about that. It seems to be like that. Not that I can choose the upcoming color directly. But I have the feeling of being able to go with the impulse or not. And therefore can have an (/a small) indirect influence on future colors (e.g.habits).
As long there is a sense of I, one is not free; but just a dead leaf falling from a tree. Going where the wind takes it. If the sense of I vanishs completely, then one is free. One will become unpredictable. One is for the first time not anymore but at the same moment one is for the first time. This is probably what the following saying means: Because whoever has a desire to keep his life safe will have it taken from him; but whoever gives up his life because of me, will have it given back to him.
My sense for social hierarchy disappears more and more. Social anxiety is way less.
---
Goal:
Attaining 1. Concentration Jhana.
---
Any advice, any thoughts from your side is well appreciated.
Thank you!
Jonas
