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Contemplating on ending it
Answer
8/11/18 2:47 PM
Hey all I’m contemplating on ending my life.


Things have turned out in the most nightmarieshest way it can.
I had an k awakening without a strong concentration and a slight resistance to everything. Everything went quite okey until my third eye awakened. People around me started to experience things, some that just was small things and other that is to much.
It is okay if things happens to oneself but when it gets onto others game changes.
My mind is to distorted and I don’t experience much because of dissociation.

I’ve been trying to meditate just a little per day and ground as much I can but things seems to go wrong anyway. 

Can’t meditate normally because it seems that my brain is to rewired to just be and get deep. Been trying it all.

If anyone got something I haven’t tried, I might go for it and try.


Thanks

RE: Contemplating on ending it
Answer
8/11/18 3:06 PM as a reply to melvin johansson.
Hey Melvin.

I'm sure you can get help, which is the way to proceed. Maybe there's someone you can call? Do you work with a teacher or with a peer group? Maybe you can talk to one of those people?

You can also call the suicide hotline:  1-800-273-8255

RE: Contemplating on ending it
Answer
8/11/18 3:27 PM as a reply to melvin johansson.
Melvin, things can always get better, and the world is full of great future possibilities.  Feelings come and go.  Hang in there and call on the resources around you to get some help.

Not sure if it is useful, but you might find wim hof fundamentals course will help to ground your in your body a bit more, and increase your control over your energy.  It is also much easier than meditation.  Follow all three components of the course (breathing, cold exposure, commitment/stretching) for 10 weeks.

Metta

RE: Contemplating on ending it
Answer
8/11/18 3:34 PM as a reply to melvin johansson.
Dear Melvin,

First point: if you are seriously suicidal or even contemplating it with any degree of interest, get immediate psychololgical help now on the ground where you are. This forum is a nice place to discuss meditation, and you are very welcome here, but it lacks the capabilities that local mental health professionals have to check you out and help stabilize whatever is going on with you, and it sounds like you need those types of services now. That's their job, training, and calling, so give them a chance to do what they do to help you be ok.

Once you get your psychological aspects stabilized, then think about adding meditational solutions in consultation with whomever is providing your local stabilization, monitoring and care.

As Chris pointed out, if you are in the states, can call the Suicide Hotline (might even be able to call them if you aren't, not sure). If you are in some other country, nearly all countries have their local psychological services entry method, and you should find it now.

As to "k awakening", I presume ketamine? Your post doesn't mention the details of what is going on with you, just generalizations about going deep, distortion, and dissociation, so, for further advice, once the emergent psychological aspects are stabilized, details might be helpful, such as medications, previous mental health history, current practice, practice interests, retreat experience, what was involved in the "k awakening" in terms of phenomenology, etc., as you think best.

In the meantime, get some psychological help now where you are, and very best wishes with this process, as it sounds like you are having a really rough time.

RE: Contemplating on ending it
Answer
8/11/18 3:55 PM as a reply to melvin johansson.
Hey, I read the other post that it looks like you either deleted or edited: sounds like there is some delusional stuff and psychosis going on also: definitely get help how locally with whatever mental health practitioner you have been seeing and whomever prescribes your medications, as stabilizing your mental health is going to be the first step.'

There are lots of things one can try for kundalini awakening and insight stages, but none come before getting the psychosis and severe depression under control through standard mental health methods.

Very best wishes!

RE: Contemplating on ending it
Answer
8/11/18 3:56 PM as a reply to melvin johansson.
Hey Melvin,

I'm sorry to hear you're having these difficulties. It's tough when practice gets weird like that, but it's only temporary. I've gone through some pretty disturbed and disturbing periods myself and it does get better. Do you have a teacher or mentor to help you with your meditation? If you don't, it would be a good idea to find someone once you get through this crisis period. If you do, you'll definitely want to check in with them so they can help you.

I'm worried that you are considering ending your life. That's definitely a premature idea--there are plenty of less extreme options for solving this problem before considering that! Reaching out to a family member would be a great next step. It may be that what you need is to take a break from meditation and consult with a doctor who can prescribe meds for a little while just so you can get more grounded. If you don't have a friend or family member handy, the suicide hotline that Chris Marti listed would be helpful and they might be able to assist you in finding local care options. Once you're feeling less dissociation, that would be a good time to get a practice plan for the future together.

Give us an update when you can.

With metta,

Andromeda

RE: Contemplating on ending it
Answer
8/11/18 4:00 PM as a reply to melvin johansson.
Thanks for the answers so far.

things are that I’m feeling quite fine, have psycological contact, but I have hard time living with myself when I might hurt others, I do get that it might get worse afterwards if one quits but it is quite worth taking the chance.

k awakening I meant kundalini A&P One thing is that my energy seems to have gone up the pingala instead of sushumma which have damaged my brain and what more. I have hard time noticing in my body where my energy nowadays is but I’ve noticed sensations at brain allot of times and before when I could be aware of my energy better.. I’m currently on phone so have hard time seeing everything to answer. will answer on a new post

RE: Contemplating on ending it
Answer
8/11/18 4:10 PM as a reply to melvin johansson.
Thing is that I have hard time even meditating with my breath, seems like it comes to much energy way to quickly, that I have no room for the energy, not knowing how it works or if I’m just overthinking it, but my experience tells it so. It seems also that I get no insights in my practice. There was one time when I felt allot of insights comming in but that later went away, could be that I was around people smoking marijuana, not sure. My mind seems quite solidfy and can’t get in insights, mind feels like before one started meditate at all..

Will check out with a teacher that is close, which I haven’t talked to yet but there seems like it is just so much that is stopping the process.

Trying to get in contact with a therapist who have feets in both meditation and ”normal” world.

RE: Contemplating on ending it
Answer
8/11/18 7:54 PM as a reply to melvin johansson.
Hey Melvin.

I’m just wondering but do you think that your fears about hurting others are grounded in reality? Unless you think that perhaps you might pose a physical danger, it might be wise to consider whether your fears about hurting your friends are actually based in reality.

If I could make a suggestion, it would be to perhaps consider taking a break from meditation and exploring some body-based practices. While in spiritual communities there is obviously huge focus on attaining spiritual progress such as the stages of insight or experiencing kundalini related phenomena, there is scarcely anything about grounding and integrating those insights into our daily life which is crucial as they can be psychologically destabilizing. This is especially true if you have a history of trauma or if you didn’t grow up in a nurturing and supportive environment which establishes our psychological foundation necessary for any spiritual insights to truely blossom.

My suggestion would be to try to get into contact with an experienced mindfulness based or transpersonal based psychotherapist and to focus your spiritual practice on grounding yourself through activities such as yoga or martial arts. Sports, dancing, swimming, immersing yourself in nature – anything that takes you out of your head and puts you in order body will be incredibly beneficial. Meditating at this stage will only make things worse until you can ground yourself and establish a firm psychological foothold. Once you have this I guarantee that your meditation practice can only flourish. 

Angelicphase

RE: Contemplating on ending it
Answer
8/12/18 7:02 AM as a reply to melvin johansson.
Dear Melvin,

Please do not give up. There are many resources available to help you work with these symptoms. If you are having suicidal thoughts of any kind, please get help from a mental health professional as soon as possible. That’s the most important thing for you to do right now.

Once you are stable, I strongly recommend that you contact Tara Springett (http://kundalinisymptoms.com/), a Buddhist expert in treating kundalini syndrome. She can provide you with techniques to rapidly alleviate difficult kundalini symptoms. Her session prices are flexible. Here is her page for booking a session: http://kundalinisymptoms.com/sessions/
I started experiencing kundalini-like symptoms in both ida and pingala after the energetic process of insight meditation hit the blockages I had in those channels. After doing certain types of body awareness practices and emotional work, the blockages in the ida channel entirely dissolved and the symptoms disappeared from the left side of my body. I’m still working on the blockages in pingala. Since my symptoms are relatively mild, I have not contacted a kundalini expert like Tara Springett for advice. However, I have personally experienced that the energy from pingala going up into the area of the brain is very painful, confusing and disconcerting.

I am sorry that this is happening to you, but it is workable. With the right assistance, any difficult symptoms from kundalini can be reduced and finally eliminated. Don’t give up hope. I believe this is the start of a new beginning for you.

RE: Contemplating on ending it
Answer
8/13/18 11:18 AM as a reply to melvin johansson.
melvin johansson:
Thing is that I have hard time even meditating with my breath, seems like it comes to much energy way to quickly, that I have no room for the energy, not knowing how it works or if I’m just overthinking it, but my experience tells it so. It seems also that I get no insights in my practice. There was one time when I felt allot of insights comming in but that later went away, could be that I was around people smoking marijuana, not sure. My mind seems quite solidfy and can’t get in insights, mind feels like before one started meditate at all..

Will check out with a teacher that is close, which I haven’t talked to yet but there seems like it is just so much that is stopping the process.

Trying to get in contact with a therapist who have feets in both meditation and ”normal” world.
Sounds promising—wishing you ease. I want to add that I have had a close friend, a partner, and a son all come within a whisker of ending their lives, at various points in time. Let me say as a witness to all of that, and as someone scrambling like crazy to get these people the help they needed (in one case over their strenuous objections), that there is nothing more devastating for a survivor, and that survivors never get over it. Please do not think this is worth the risk. FWIW. (Crying while writing this. Not trying to add emotional blackmail, just responding to what you said about not wanting to hurt others.)