Welcome back here, Papa Che!
I'm happy you made the move...
Cheers
​​​​​​​smiling stone

aloha
​​​​​​​!

)smile(


no worries, there's an end to diapers, kids grow up

little puppies transcend newspaper


on the other hand, there's no end to shit...

So good to see you posting, Papa!

Good to see ya!

Child tip - as I called it - Daddies little helper--->

L-Theanine

Get some and test drive it....It halted intfincide several times ;oP

​​​​​​​~D

Thanks LJ  

Yes it can get dark and ugly but it also does pass away at one point. It's always darkest before tha dawn!  

Wishing your situation to unfold in a way that's of most benefit to you! 

​​​​​​​Best wishes LJ! 

40 minutes sitting S-meditation. Open eyes. Aloud. 

10 minutes White Tara mantra while eyes gently gazing on a screw head in the wall in front of me. 
20 minutes slow pace noting aloud. 
10 minutes radical allowing. 
a few minutes just come back to the room I sit in. Reflect and write down 2 memories from the sit (as instructed by shargrol). 

2 memories: 

1. as soon the mantra started there was that feeling of sinking into mind-body. Heavy body. Light coloured hazy image space. All in just there. Tiny vibrations in arms and hands/fingers. High pitch Nada sound with low rumble under it. Stiff left side of neck and under the shoulder blade. Body twitching every so often in the neck-arms region. 

2. had a vision of my mother dead in a coffin. She is alive however. But I let it unfold. I felt sad. But also a relief. Now she was for real gone out of my life. She is now the absentee mother for a reason if death of not being there any longer. Sad but also a relief. I did miss my mother a lot during my early childhood all the way into my early teens. 

extra memory; 
when stuff unpleasant arises, there is also a question arising "is this really happening? Is this the only thing happening? Is this really going on and on through the sense of time? Am I really suffering? Is this really permanent and unavoidable?" So I looked and it wasn't there. There was memory about it. There was this sense of an urge to re-cling to it. But there was so much more happening right here and that unpleasant thing was just a tiny jerk in the one field that doesn't need to continue. This unpleasant clinging must have this trance like believing in it to feel real and proliferate. It seems there might be a choice in here after all. Not that I can choose what arises within the senses but once there is holding onto a hot coal there is choice to hold onto it or let go of it. 
Is this the "continuation-ending" you spoke about shargrol? I certainly can sense such reflecting starting to arise at this time. 

pcd said:

2. had a vision of my mother dead in a coffin. She is alive however. But I let it unfold. I felt sad. But also a relief. Now she was for real gone out of my life. She is now the absentee mother for a reason if death of not being there any longer. Sad but also a relief. I did miss my mother a lot during my early childhood all the way into my early teens. 


++++++++++++++++

Sometimes a cigar is a penis.


The world as a habitable planet has expired already, it is lying in its coffin and it is more than a little ripe.

There is the smell of a dead elephant in the room. The knowledge makes us anxious but we repress it, don't face it, and it surfaces in dreams.

On the other hand, the corpse of god (the father) has already ossified and hardly smells at all anymore. One can make ornaments of the fossilized remains.


Never take symbol for allegory.
========



And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions

40 minutes sitting S-meditation. Open eyes. Aloud. 

2 memories: 

1. stiff pain under left shoulder blade and left neck. Body twitching approximately every 8-10 seconds. Arms and legs with lots of mild pins and needles. Sense of insects biting skin. A few sharp itches. Image space was hazy but evenly and light in colour (note; at one stage closed the eyes and there was lots of murk and purple haze there but not with open eyes). Thinking about this stage having 3C's flavour. 

2. During the radical allowing there was ill will towards something and then ill will towards feeling ill will. Then guilt , then shame. Then reflecting on this. 

Hey Papa Che!

Great to see you back here! Sending good wishes for your practice!

​​​​​​​Niels

40 minutes walking S-meditation. Aloud. 

2 memories: 

1. head/mind feels like a wast pot of popping popcorn. 

2. "how does it feel not to be in control of thisness?"

"don't know, fearful"

"ok friend"

"will I be loved if I stop chameleoning and shapeshifting so to make sure I'm loved and liked by others?"

"and?"

"don't know". 

"ok friend"

If you have the time give this video a listen. I'm sure most of us have heard about Gabor Mate through his psychological and spiritual work but I never knew he was a holocaust baby survivor. This video is about him sharing his view on the Palestine-Jerusalem issue. 
https://youtu.be/N6_GDDa4bmI?si=eCNlzQw6Jk8n8NJ4

Hi Papa che.It's nice to see other people talk about their lives on here.

Best of luck with the job search and I'm sending warmth to you and your newborn.

Interesting to see L Theanine mentioned... It only worked the first time I took it and got a permanent tolerance. But It worked amazing... I'd also add Lavendar oil to the list. You have to INGEST 5 to 7 drops. It stops physical anxiety in its tracks. But it's safer to encapsulate it and eat with a meal I assume, due to essential oils being possibly harmful to the bare skin of your mouth. The meal will help absorb the oil.

A little update; 

I can see a tendency to work hard at work so not to be judged as not being good enough. Also a tendency to work hard around others working with me so I stick above them to be a bit better. More not to be bellow ... or as slow as some of them are. So yes, see judging of those who work very slow. 

It's both funny and sad how this mind (patterns) come into being and create all sort of "realities" which really are not there if you look. There is bunch of sensory input wrapped in feeling tones and a bunch of body sensations, some imagery, which then proliferates into a narrative which again causes amplified feeling tone and on and on stuff bubbles and pops. 

It's possible to "see" these becomings as they are arising. Being "in it" , "allowing it". 

Another one; 
when sorting the packages there can be a belly-hunger-urge so to speak, and jaws clenching, salivating, hands grabbing ... as if hunting a prey! There is an image of guitar related gear I want to acquire, which would be delivered by post. In a package! I want to grab it and open it! I want to sense the inside of it. To let it enter my visual field. To bite into it!!! Arghhhh!!!!!!!!  

Anywho. 

This week was on a tough side as my youngest is sick and I keep him at home during the day and go to work in the evening. 

He is getting better but I'm now feeling me nose stuffed and sore throat. Life is flourishing in my mucus. May them all be free from suffering, awaken, and be happy. 

We find it hard to believe that we believe, hence down the paths we go to see how we find it hard to believe that we believe. 

I'm so enlightened I just want to rock'n'roll!!! With a huge Marshall stack! Wall of Marshalls! 



No, seriously, just grateful. 
 

Grareful for this job, my family, you folks, all folks and critters, wind and rain and clouds and this and that ... grateful for this awareness ...


​​​​​​​"ok friend". 

Everything is terrible! 


​​​​​​​"ok friend"

My selves are so proud and egoistic. Last night at work my boss passed the machine I worked on and gave me a can of soda drink! I was so happy thinking on and on how he did it because he appreciated my fast work and on and on my mind kept creating scenarios about how my boss thinks I'm such a great worker deserving a drink from him on and on and on ... "ok friend". 

At the same time sensations of sadness around the eyes as "ok friend" is seeing all this unfold. 

Btw when I moved to a different position at work last night (we rotate every two hours) I realised the boss gave everyone a can of soda drink! Self felt tiny, insignificant and pathetic. "It's ok friend". 

7th Fetter: conceit

"I am better than..." or "I am worse than..." or "I am same as..." -- all are equally forms of conceit.

The middle path goes between all three extremes of conceit. How simple and easy it is, yet how tempting the extremes! I am a King, I am a Serf, I am a Comrade...

Who would Papa be if he was neither better, nor worse, nor same? I think I like that Papa, but I don't have words to describe why. I do not know what he is. He's neither better, nor worse, nor the same. He's truly a very Papa-ish Papa!

"The way is easy for those without preferences" is the classic quote, but as my teacher added when saying it to me: "... ah, but too bad that guy doesn't exist. There is nobody without preferences."  So preferences are fine, but conceit becomes painful. No big change is needed, the difference is just a hair's width. 

I THINK I'm an enlightened person. 

I BELIEVE people should respect me now more as an enlightened person. 

I THINK, hence I'm full of enlightenment. 

I KNOW what is best for you! 
I BELIEVE you ought to listen to my way, because I'm full of it! 

​​​​​​​I ... 

I THINK I'm enlightened because I FEEL I'm done! 

Im enlightened! I KNOW this because my teacher told me so. 

​​​​​​​I ... 

BTW, today while changing my son's shoity diapers I've noticed how luminous they were! Like all of it! The smell, the content, and the diapers too! All was luminous! All was MIND! 

You certainly hit the nail in the head shargrol , by pointing out the fetter above. What was it called in English again? Conceit? 

I was watching this conceit wrapping up all experiences, all desires, aversions and all. 

Im a fake!  

Even when helpful I'm full of conceit! I'm full of it! 

I treat it with "ok friend" when it sees this conceit wrapping the experiences. It's like an attitude that follows the experiences. Without this conceit I think I would just look like a soft, weak and helpless person. Would cry maybe. So gotta live up to each situation to earn to br a part of this human tribe in all the social circumstances. 

Even within my own believes and inner narratives the conceit is the main wrapping material of all action, inaction and indifference. It gotta be same as, better than, not worst than. Good fellow, helpful fellow, to stand up against injustice etc ... 

At home it's a father and the oldest in the household. Must be respected! 

At work, we all are equal but I might just be a bit faster so my boss isn't regretting giving me a job! 

​​​​​​​Etc ... 

conceit is a tough one, restlessness too... that's why they're number 8 and 9 out of 10!

Just ignorance -- not knowing what you don't know... yet.

That one is an easy slam dunk after the first 9, no worries   

Radical allowing while playing (my favorite practice these days) 

https://youtu.be/Lfom_IQ64eo?si=b4DsQkgaZPMjzrq-

Shit happens! 

​​​​​​​No shit! 

Apparently there is something more important than living the life, and that is to awaken one day! ... one day ... down the path ... one day ... in the future ... I shall awaken ... until then ... 

I don't know shit!

How does that feel?

Which? 

Dunno, you brought it up! 

Ehm ...

You could re-imagine it!

Ok.

... ... ... 

What were we talking about?

Dunno.

But you brought it up or?

Not sure ... 

​​​​​​​Fuck! 

Was watching to recognise my core psychological thing after shargrol mentioning it several times. 

For me it seems it's FEAR of abandonment. not being good enough. So I strive and try to be funny and fast at work to be above the average . Even to be one of the best if possible. 

Then when I get into the circle of trust I put a mask saying "you can't hurt me now even if you abandon me! I don't care! As a matter of fact I will cut off the ties just to show you that I don't care!"  

Basically it's all FEAR related. 

I remember when first time I've experienced 5th Jhana! Never have I felt so safe in my whole life. If I could solidify that my seeking journey would have ended (and I would have become a Jhana junky). Luckily Anicca came to rescue and Dukkha and Anatta joined to screw that up for me  

And fear is basically an unwillingness to experience a sensation. Which is really strange because the sensation (e.g. the abandonment feeling) isn't that big of a deal, ultimately. (Of course it takes a while to be able to rest in the experience of it, but it definitely isn't impossible to do.) But before we can develop that ability, when we are on the threshold of experiencing our core wound sensation, it feels like we're going to fall off a cliff and die.

well said!

Thanks for the replies ya all! It does help getting a feedback! 

Hi mum
I'm a loser

A mixture of misery and restless manic-A&P. Ugh! It needs to move not to be miserable I guess. Ugh! Ugly feeling tone. 

Edit to add;
for those interested in the body sensations associated with the above, there is a hungry feeling in the belly and heavy salivating and contracted tension in the throat and jaw, slight unpleasant tension in the neck and arms, nada sound not too prominent, breathing in and out both short with a long pause after the outbreath and before taking new in-breath.

EDIT 2;
image field is diffused as if looking through things rather than focusing on them.

Thank you Papa for sharing, it helped me understand my fear of abandonment better.

It's funny, not long before I read in your log, I was re-reading the misery chapter of MCTB2... For me it's also this hunger feeling, tight throat and jaw with a cramped feeling in the stomach and tight swallowing, like nauseous.

I think what shargrol said is very helpful. Eventually the experience of abandonment is far more tolerable than we assume.

(And also: Ideal Parent Figure protocol (Brown, D. P. (2016). Attachment disturbances in adults: treatment for comprehensive repair (First edition). W.W. Norton & Company.)/four immeasurable-type practices!)

WILL I EVER AWAKEN???!!!!!

Papa, it might be time for 5 Elements. Have you read/learned about that style of meditation?

​​​​​​​

The 5 Elements is very appropriate for after someone gets both the psychological and tautological aspects of 6 Realms. 

The psychological aspect of 6 realms focuses on the main driver (anger, greed, stubbornness/habit, desire, ambition, and pride). This stuff is so simple it's taught to children as sort of a morality story - "don't be greedy or you'll become a preta". The tautological aspect of 6 realms is all about apparent solidity and actual emptiness. The hell being is angry because everything it sees reminds him of anger and he is angry because his entire body/mind is angry and the answer to every insult is more anger and his anger causes more insults which result in more insults comming back at him and insults make him angry. To get out this realm the hell being needs to see through the tautology -- which is really hard when you are angry. But it is interesting how in just a moment of cooling off, we quickly forget all the rationalizations of why were were angry and instead we look more objectively --- and suddenly lashing out and fighting is obviously doesn't help even if we feel a bit angry. So we can never quite trust our mind because it seems much truer than it is.

(Emptiness doesn't mean that it's a complete illusion -- emptiness just means that things are not what they seem but neither are they completely unrelated to how they seem.)

But I know you know all of this!

So 5 element comes in because it is the study of what happens in the first tenth of a second (literally) of a reactive pattern. Beyond psychology and truly into the world of tantric meditation.

So air is not psychlogical restlessness, for example. Air is actually a micro-second of an experience of emptiness, followed by a micro-second of anxiety, followed by a micro-second of >doing something<... which then goes through another cycle of reinforcement, which then shows itself as overt/obvious busyiness.  The practice is to use daily review and/or visualization to >intentionally< provoke these reactions while in meditation and attempt to see the first few microseconds.

The nice thing is that for us lay people, there are plenty of things happening over the course of the day which can be used! In a way, this is like "shargrol tonglen", because you just use the content of what comes up when you sit down at the end of the day and reflect on all the dramas (or when you do this when your head hits the pillow right before sleep).

The nice thing about this is it is 100% experiential, not conceptual. Even though there is intentional practice, it is clear that the untangling is very personal and very relevant to refining our own basic sanity. 

The Ken McLeod approach of doing visualizations works really well for getting established and developing basic "literacy" with the ideas. Then it quickly becomes adaptable for more personalized experimentation/creativity.

Definitely give a look on  p.173 in Wake Up To Your Life on "shock" .  Then look at Chapter 6 - dismantling reactive emotions on p.207 a look.

​​​​​​​Happy to respond to questions, etc. 

Happy to discuss in a separate thread, but definitely read the sections in Wake Up To Your Life -- that answers most of your questions.

I've found these two on Spotify 

Is that it? 


​​​​​​​

My father's nickname was Dakini. So ... I don't think I can use the Dakini visualization as a practice method. It's too distracting. 

But I can use the 5 Elements I guess , even though I would likely prefer to watch directly the URGE jerks of energy which I already reported ages ago in my post-SE logs here on DhO. I would call this mind-urge-surge a jerk towards, or away from something before even becoming an action or story. 
Even Chris asked me once "what do you mean by mind-jerk" but I couldn't explain it well maybe. Long time ago. 

Its basically what occurs before the forming of a Realm. As there can be awakeness in the Realm so can there be awakeness in any of these 5 Urges-jerks. There certainly is a surge of energy in attention and immediate following by some body sensation and these can then reinforce it all, the "what goes around comes around" cycles of re-inforcement. However Im starting to see this blowing up of URGE SURGE energy (its a bit like blowing up a children's balloon) and the realm seem to be seen as an option. Im talking about every day life situations at work or home (much easier to see these at work though). 

Shargrol, is this anything that resembles 5 Elements observation/investigation without actually going into the LABELS of 5 Elements which I find distracting?

​​​​​​​Thank you  

That is exactly how Ken McLeod describes it. You have the experience of not knowing/emptiness, there is an URGE that is a reaction to that, and if the urge is not seen as an urge, then there is a reinforcement reaction... and after that you are reborn in a realm. 

I really think you should read about 5 elements in WUTYL.